Hello, it is not Mr Murray writing this. It is me Beaker Mr Murray's Personal Assistant. I am writing this because Mr Murray is not around to write the blog. He was missing last week and then he turned up and then things went very wrong indeed and I still cannot believe that what has gone on this week has actually happened because it has been so shocking.

I went to London again this week to look for Mr Murray because I was very worried about him and I had not seen him for a long time and he owed me my wages and I was running out of money to buy bananas for Donald Trump and my tech bros. I was walking along Caincross Gardens to the building where he has his flat and I noticed that Mr Philby the electrian's van was parked outside and I had nearly got there when I heard this big bang that sounded like a gunshot and then the door to the building where Mr Murray's flat is burst open and a man ran out. I couldn't see him very clearly but it looked a bit like Mr Murray to me and I shouted out his name thinking it was him but the man didn't stop. He just carried on running down the street away from me and then he went around the corner and he was gone.

So I went into the building where Mr Murray has his flat and there was Mr Murray's Russian friend Georgy lying in the hallway covered in blood just outside Mr Murray's flat. There was a trail of blood on the floor leading out of Mr Murray's flat and it looked like Georgy must have crawled out of Mr Murray's flat and left the trail of blood. I do not like Georgy very much because he has been nasty to me in the past and in particular he got me drunk on the Feast Day of Saint Bodkin and persuaded me to take part in the ceremony and we all know what happened after that and it was not at all nice and my bottom was stinging for ages afterwards. But even though I do not like Georgy I felt like I had to help him so I went up to him.

"Beaker," he said to me when he saw me. He was clutching his chest and there was a lot of blood on his shirt and it looked like it was gettng worse and he was very pale and he did not look very well at all.

A bearded man wearing bloody clothes lying on the floor in a grand hallway

Georgy's last moments

I asked him if he had a nosebleed because I thought that might be where the blood was coming from. I get nosebleeds sometimes and they are not very nice.

"I've been shot," he said to me. His voice sounded very croaky so I asked him if he wanted a cough sweet. I always carry cough sweets because I sometimes get a cough and I find they help but mostly I carry them because sometimes people say my breath smells very bad and sucking a cough sweet makes it smell better for a bit.

"I don't want a cough sweet. Call an ambulance," he said. "Philby and Maclean. In there. Both shot." He pointed weakly to Mr Murray's flat. His voice was getting fainter and fainter.

I asked him who had done it.

"Gilbert," he said. "Gilbert shot us."

I asked him which Gilbert he meant.

"Gilbert Murray," he said. "Help her Beaker," he said.

I asked him who I should help.

"Ivanya," he said. "He is going after her."

Ivanya is Mr Murray's nice girlfriend and I like her very much because she is very nice to me and she gave me a peck on the cheek when I last saw her and that made me blush because she is very pretty.

I asked Georgy who was going after her.

"Gilbert," he said. "Gilbert is going after her. Stop him."

Again, I asked him which Gilbert he meant. There are lots of Gilberts in the world. There is Gilbert Murray and there is Gilbert Andgeorge and there is Gilbert Andsullivan. I did not know which one he meant.

"Gilbert Murray, you fool," he said. Which was not very nice. Sometimes Georgy is not very nice to me and this was one of those times.

"Call a bloody ambulance," said Georgy and by now his voice was getting very faint so I asked him if he was sure he didn't want a cough sweet.

"I don't want a bloody cough sweet," he said very faintly. And then he made a strange croaking sound and he laid back on the floor with his eyes open staring at the ceiling and he did not move any more so I think he might have been dead.

I was very confused. He told me that Gilbert Murray had shot him and Mr Philby and Mr Maclean but there are lots of Gilbert Murrays in Gypping in the Marsh so I did not know which one he meant. There is Gilbert Murray the MP and Gilbert Murray the vicar and Gilbert Murray the inventor and Gilbert Murray the lord of the manor and there are lots more too and how am I to know which one he meant?

I went through the door into Mr Murray's flat and there was a lot of blood and I saw two more bodies lying on the floor covered in blood and I think that must have been Mr Philby the electrician and Mr Maclean the landlord. It was all very confusing and I could not understand what had happened so I decided to go back to Gypping in the Marsh and see whether Mr Murray was there because maybe he could help me understand what was going on. So that is what I did.

When I got back to Gypping in the Marsh later that day I went straight to Mr Murray's house and just as I got to Cold Harbour Lane I could not believe my eyes because I saw Mr Chuckle my chimp who has been missing for weeks. It was definitely Mr Chuckle because there are not many chimps in Gypping in the Marsh and there is only one with a bloody bandage around his head because of the brain surgery he had at Gypping Life Sciences before he came to live with me. I called out to him but he ignored me. He was peering down the road at someone who was walking up the road in the other direction towards Mr Murray's house and then he suddenly ran towards that person on all fours and gave her a big hug and I saw that the other person was Mr Murray's nice girlfriend Ivanya. Mr Chuckle has always been very fond of Ivanya. He has a photograph of her and he plays with himself while he looks at it.

I think it must have been a bit of a shock to Ivanya when Mr Chuckle ran up and hugged her but then she had an even bigger shock because Mr Murray came out of the front door of his house with a bit of a mad look on his face and when he saw Ivanya and Mr Chuckle he smiled a horrible smile and he ran toward them and as he did so he put his hand in his pocket and he drew out a gun and he pointed it at them both. Mr Chuckle grabbed onto Ivanya protectively.

A chimpanzee with a bloody bandage around its head clinging on to a frightened-looking woman dressed in a fur coat and hat

Mr Chuckle holding Ivanya protectively

"You bitch!" I heard Mr Murray shout and then he looked as if he was going to fire the gun but just then Mr Chuckle let go of Ivanya and leaped at Mr Murray screaming and Mr Murray was so surprised that he nearly dropped his gun.

"Blasted chimp!" he shouted and he pointed the gun at Mr Chuckle and fired but he missed. Mr Chuckle ran away down the road and Mr Murray ran after him firing his gun.

By now I was very confused and I ran after them both. Mr Chuckle ran to the churchyard and Mr Murray ran after him shouting that he was going to kill him.

When Mr Chuckle got to Saint Bodkin's church he started climbing it to get away from Mr Murray because Mr Murray was better at running than Mr Chuckle despite his age. Chimps are very good at climbing and it was not long before Mr Chuckle managed to get all the way to the top of the church spire. He sat there clinging on and holding onto his photograph of Ivanya. A few children were flying drones in the churchyard and they flew them near to Mr Chuckle and Mr Chuckle kept on trying to swat them away.

A chimpanzee with a bloody bandage around its head clinging on to the top of a church spire with some drones buzzing around

Mr Chuckle clinging to the top of the church spire

Mr Murray was standing near the foot of the church tower when I caught up with him and he was pointing his gun up at Mr Chuckle and before I could say anything he shot the gun. He is a very good shot because it only took two shots before he hit Mr Chuckle and Mr Chuckle screamed and let go and he fell all the way to the ground and he lay there in a pool of blood and I could see at once that he was dead.

A chimpanzee with a bloody bandage around its head lying dead in a pool of blood in a churchyard

Mr Chuckle meets his maker

Poor Mr Chuckle. He died protecting the thing he loved. I will miss him. But looking on the bright side at least I will not need quite so many bananas from now on.

I looked around and Mr Murray had already gone. I did not know what to do so I thought the best thing to do would be to go back to Mr Murray's house and see if he was back there and maybe Ivanya would be there too. So that is what I did.

But just as I was walking into Cold Harbour Lane I heard this big bang that sounded like a gunshot and then the door to Mr Murray's house burst open and a man ran out. I couldn't see him very clearly but it looked a bit like Mr Murray to me and I shouted out his name thinking it was him but the man didn't stop. He just carried on running down the street away from me and then he went around the corner and he was gone. It was just like what happened in London earlier that day.

So I went into Mr Murray's house and I heard noises from upstairs so I went upstairs and the noises were coming from Mr Murray's bedroom and so I went into Mr Murray's bedroom and there was Mr Murray's nice girlfriend Ivanya lying on the bed covered in blood. She really did not look very well at all.

A woman dressed in a fur coat and hat lying on bloody sheets

Ivanya's last moments

"Beaker," she said when she saw me. "Help me, Beaker."

She had a lot of blood on her. I did not think this was a nose bleed. The blood seemed to be coming from her chest and not her nose. I did not think a cough sweet would do her much good so I did not offer her one. Besides, I had sucked quite a few on the train back to Gypping in the Marsh so I did not have many left and I did not want to waste them.

I asked her what had happened.

"Gilbert. Gilbert Murray. He shot me," she said very faintly. "Beaker, tell him I am sorry." she said. And then he made a strange little croaking noise just like Georgy had done earlier that day and she laid back on the bed and I think she was dead. And that was a shame because she was nice to me.

What a confusing day. Two dead Russians and one dead landlord and one dead electrician and one dead chimp. Even more confusing because just like Georgy Ivanya did not make it clear which Gilbert Murray had shot her. There are a lot of Gilbert Murrays in this village and it could have been any one of them. I think I will be treating everybody called Gilbert Murray with a bit of suspicion from now on given all the things that happened that day. I just do not know who to trust.

Anyway to finish off I have still not managed to catch up with Mr Murray because after what happened with Ivanya I have not seen him since. Because he has not paid me recently this will be the last time I write his blog for him and I do not know when he will be back to write his blog himself. I am starting to think that I need to look for a new job because Donald Trump and my tech bros are very hungry and I have got no more money left now to buy bananas. If anyone knows of a job I could do in Gypping in the Marsh please let me know.

Beaker (Gilbert Murray MP's PA)

Given the current state of things in Gypping in the Marsh, it is unclear when Gilbert's next blogpost will be published.

Previous month

Read more about the goings-on in Gypping in the Marsh in 'The Vicar V, in which Reverend Murray is asked to help the widow of Nigeria's ex-dictator to hide away her family's ill-gotten fortune, out of the reach of the Nigerian government. What will Mrs Abacha make of Gilbert's recent conversion to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal? What will she make of Gilbert's new verger? And will she be willing to give Gilbert's unusually large organ the attention it deserves?