Saint Bodkin's Church

Saint Bodkin's parish church is the heart of Gypping in the Marsh, as it has been for centuries past. Although the church dates back to Saxon times (a small amount of Saxon masonry is still extant at the base of the north wall of the chancel), most of the present building dates from the 11th Century onwards.

Saint Bodkin's church

Service Times

Services are held three times each Sunday, at 8am, 10am and 4pm. Attendance to two of these services each Sunday is compulsory.

Ritual scourging and excoriation is undertaken during each service on the first Sunday of each month.

Saint Bodkin's Through the Ages

Like many English parish churches, Saint Bodkin's has undergone a gradual process of development and renovation down the centuries.

As a result of this continuous development, much of the history of English church architecture can be read in this one building.

Architectural highlights include the round-headed Norman arches in the south aisle (displaying some fine dogtooth detailing), the Early English lancet windows of the chancel, the exquisite Decorated tracery of the windows of the south aisle, the fine Perpendicular windows of the north aisle and the ornate Victorian font.

This process of development and renovation continues down to the present day. Following the recent rededication of the church and its conversion from the Church of England to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal (see below), the current vicar of Saint Bodkin's is gradually replacing the existing stained glass and statuary - which is rich in inappropriate Christian iconography - with modern stained glass windows and statues that depict important episodes in the life of the Great Prophet Noel, and some highly-respected figures in public life.

The Unique Triple Helix Staircase

Of particular note is the unique staircase in the tower, which dates to around 1400. Double helix parish church staircases are incredibly rare - the one at Saint Editha's, Tamworth, is the only complete example, and All Saints, Pontefract, has an earlier, but incomplete, example - but Saint Bodkin's is the only English parish church to be able to boast a triple helix staircase. This unique arrangement, in which three separate spiral stone staircases wind around the same central newel, enables three people to ascend or descend the tower at the same time without ever having to pass one another on the stairs. The staircase has three separate entrances at ground level: one inside the base of the tower, and two in the west and north outer walls of the tower. At the top of the tower, an intricate 'triple trapdoor' arrangement allows people from all three staircases to exit onto the roof.

Opinions differ as to why Saint Bodkin's was provided with such a complex staircase arrangement. One story recounts that the vicar at the time the staircase was built, Anselm de Meurray, had a major falling out with the verger and the curate and designed the staircase to ensure that they would never accidentally meet one another on the stairs. Another account suggests that the vicar had plans to further his career in the church, and designed the staircase to impress the Bishop of Lincoln. Whatever the reason, Anselm de Meurray has left Gypping in the Marsh with a unique and intricate staircase of which we can all be proud.

As an aside, the Saint Bodkin's triple helix staircase is known to have inspired one of Gypping in the Marsh's most celebrated artists, Maurits Cornelis Murray (1898 - 1972), a graphic artist who specialised in woodcuts, lithographs and mezzotints, many of whose most famous works include fantastical spiral staircases.

Four artworks depicting fantastical spiral staircases

Four of MC Murray's works, depicting fantastical spiral staircases

Conversion to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal

2006 was a momentous year for Saint Bodkin's parish church, as it saw the conversion of the church and its congregation from the Church of England to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal. This conversion, which came about after a disagreement between the current vicar and the bishop over the design of some hassocks, was welcomed by the vast majority of the congregation. This can be illustrated by the fact that over 90% of the congregation followed the vicar into the new church. Thanks to their own actions, the few recusants who objected to the change in denomination became social pariahs, and most have either moved away from the village or are in the process of doing so.

As a result of this conversion, the vast majority of the villagers now adhere to the writings of the Great Prophet Noel, the founder of the Church of Zeal or no Zeal. As well as enjoying the benefit of ritual scourging and excoriation once a month to rid them of their sins, the congregation prove their loyalty to the church and to the Great Prophet Noel by donating 25% of their earnings to the church and agreeing to leave their entire estates to the Great Prophet Noel after their deaths.

Following the unfortunate and unexpected deaths of some of the village's largest landowners following the conversion, the Church of Zeal or no Zeal has quickly become one of Gypping in the Marsh's largest landowners: second in terms of acreage only to the 18th Earl of Gypping, in fact.

Visitors to Saint Bodkin's will no doubt be impressed by the way in which the old Christian icons and imagery are being seamlessly replaced by icons and imagery of the Great Prophet Noel. Visitors are positively encouraged to inspect the fine, hand-tooled Book of Noel that can be found on the altar.

The Book of Noel

Visiting heretics and non-believers who wish to avoid eternal damnation should contact the vicar, who will be pleased to supply them with an application form and the necessary direct debit forms.

Examples of the New Stained Glass

The stained glass is being hand-produced by one of the country's finest stained glass studios, Chegwin & Philbin Ltd. Two of the finest examples of their work, which can be seen in Saint Bodkin's, are illustrated below:

Stained glass depicting the Great Prophet Noel

South aisle window, depicting the Great Prophet Noel

Stained glass depicting the Great Prophet Noel holding the holy winning red box

Chancel window, depicting the Great Prophet Noel holding the holy winning red box

Examples of the New Statuary

August 2024 saw the unveiling of three important new statues, each one replacing a historic medieval original.

The first statue to be unveiled was a new bust of the Great Prophet Noel Himself, which is located in the south aisle, replacing an original 14th Century statue of the Madonna and Child. The vicar is most pleased with the likeness that the sculptor has managed to achieve, with the Great Prophet Noel staring directly at the congregation with a suitably stern look on his face.

A stone statue of a bearded man inside a church

The new statue of the Great Prophet Noel in the south aisle

The other two statues were commissioned by Reverend Murray to represent two highly-respected public figures. Unfortunately, the two highly-respected figures that the vicar chose didn't stay highly-respected for very long, but in both cases, it was too late to cancel the commission.

This explains why Saint Bodkin's now boasts a Liz Truss gargoyle on the north-west corner of the tower, replacing an extremely eroded medieval original.

The new Liz Truss gargoyle on the church tower

Boris Johnson may be something of a tarnished public figure nowadays, but nobody could deny that the sculptor has managed to capture his likeness beautifully in the third new statue to be unveiled in August 2024, which now graces the plinth to the side of the south porch: 'Boris Johnson's descent into the underworld', which replaces an original 13th Century statue of St Peter.

'Boris Johnson's descent into the underworld', to the side of the south porch

Reverend Murray reports that the original statues have been broken up with sledgehammers and are going to be used as hardcore for an upcoming extension to the church car park.

The Relic of the Great Prophet Noel's Beard

August 2024 was an exciting month for Saint Bodkin's: as well as the addition of three fine new statues, Reverend Murray managed to obtain, at great expense, an important relic for the church: a lock of the Great Prophet Noel's beard. The relic, which is housed in a beautiful, jewelled, golden reliquary, was purchased on Ebay from a renowned seller of hair-related artefacts - K9Kutz of Penzance - following a frantic bidding war. It is now available for veneration behind a screen of bulletproof glass in the south aisle of Saint Bodkin's church, close to the new statue of the Great Prophet Noel.

Reverend Murray anticipates that the acquisition of such a fine relic will make Saint Bodkin's a place of pilgrimage for many, and requests that worshippers form an orderly queue.

A jewel-encrusted reliquary with photographs of Noel Edmonds

The reliquary containing a lock of the Great Prophet Noel's beard

The Vicar's Unusually Large Organ

Saint Bodkin's parish church is most famous for its unusually large organ. The current vicar is rightfully proud of the fact that he has the largest organ in Lincolnshire, and never misses out on an opportunity to show it off to anyone who is interested.

The famous Gypping organ is currently in need of extensive - and expensive - restoration, and the current vicar has been a tireless fundraiser to this end. As well as holding a great many fundraising events to raise money for the organ restoration fund, the vicar has received many generous offers of financial aid from kindly benefactors... most of them hailing from West Africa, for some reason.