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The Gypping in the Marsh Village Website Gypping in the Marsh in Times Past
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Home - The Chronicles - The Vicar V The Vicar VIn which Reverend Murray is asked to help the widow of Nigeria's ex-dictator to hide away her family's ill-gotten fortune, out of the reach of the Nigerian government. What will Mrs Abacha make of Gilbert's recent conversion to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal? What will she make of Gilbert's new verger? And will she be willing to give Gilbert's unusually large organ the attention it deserves? Cast of characters
From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Greetings And Reply!!! Sent: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 04:22:55 +0100 (BST) ATLAS OIL NIGERIA LIMITED (a subsidiary of Abacha Real Estates) From the desk of her excellency, Dr Mrs Mariam Abacha Dear, This might seem very deplorable for a person that you do not know but as the title implies I am Dr Mariam Abacha, wife of the late General Sani Abacha. I am contacting you due to the present situation as regards the special panel set up by the present democratic administration in my country (Nigeria) under the anti-corruption law passed mainly to recover what they termed Abacha's looted money. This law is yet another smear campaign aimed to frustrate, humiliate, dismember and widen the scope of hatred to family. A personal vendetta by president Obasanjo who was jailed by my husband's government for plotting a coup d'etat against his administration. This highly calculated attempt by this administration cum Swiss government through bilateral relationship has taken away from us over $1.4 billion in Switzerland. The rampaging situation in our accounts abroad has yielded to the barbaric pressure and just last month we were squished out of another $39 million and all these funds can be ascertained independently. You may wish to confirm this from a leading newspaper in Nigeria (this day) from their website at www.thisdayonline.com from the archives section in the March 10, 2002, January 26, 2002 and February 21, 2002 editions. This government is bent on destroying our family. You may be aware that my son (Mohammed), heir apparent to the family just got out of prison after three years of detention. Therefore, I am soliciting for genuine partners that I can invest the family fortune that is scattered all over the world. According to my estimation in West Africa alone we still have about $85 million in cash in a security company that we intend to invest abroad through your assistance. For the purpose of investment in area of your interest, contact me as handsome reward of 30% of the total sum awaits you, subject to our negotiation and agreement. You can contact me via my email for security reason for further details for now. In the event of you not being interested in this proposal, endeavour to keep this highly confidential! Thanks and God bless! Sincerely, Dr Mrs Mariam Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Regarding your fascinating email Sent: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:59:24 Dear Mrs Abacha, I have just read the email you sent to me. Firstly, may I offer you my sincere condolences regarding your late husband's unfortunate demise. I have heard tell that your late husband had his faults - in fact from what I have heard, it sounds as if he was a bit of a monster - but losing a loved one is never easy, all the same. Things must have been very difficult for you after your late husband's death, and I am saddened to hear that the current Nigerian government is still attempting to deprive you and your family of the millions that your husband stole from the state. Can they not forgive and forget, one is forced to ask oneself? Now then, to your proposal. I have to say that I found it extremely attractive. As vicar of Saint Bodkin's church in Gypping in the Marsh, I am currently searching for a source of funding to restore the church organ (I have the largest organ in Lincolnshire), so I could definitely put the money that you are offering me to good use. However, I have to admit that I am a trifle concerned that if I were to help you out in this business I may get into trouble myself with the Nigerian government. The last thing I want is to wake up in the morning to find a gang of Nigerian debt collectors banging on the church door and demanding that we give up our silver plate. Would you be able to give me your word that if I were to get involved in this business, there would be no danger of such a thing happening? I am sure that you can understand that a man in my position has to be careful. I don't want to get myself involved in anything that could get me into trouble with the authorities. With this in mind, I would be grateful if you could send me further details of this business, Mrs Abacha, and if you could do your best to quell my misgivings. I look forward to hearing from you. May the Great Prophet Noel grant your late husband eternal peace. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Very Urgent Sent: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 21:02:20 +0100 (BST) Dear Murray, Thank you for your mail, first and foremost I must assure you that this business will be very successful and has no legal implications whatsoever as I have investigated and found out that no risk involved or any trouble on it, because our family attorney will provide all the necessary documents needed in order to claim this money out, I am willing to do this business with you, thank you for your time and attention. So you have to feel very free with me as I am now beginning to trust you and promise that I will never let you down, I want to have that promise from you also. I believe that it is God that brought us together to do this business and I assure you that with your full co-operation in this business it is going to be very successful. Please send me your private telephone number and your home address so that I will start processing the payment of the funds accordingly and like I said before a handsome reward of 30% of the total sum will be for you. Sincerely, Mariam Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I have one remaining concern Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 08:51:58 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for responding to my email so promptly and for reassuring me that there is absolutely no risk involved in this business. I am happy to accept your word on this - the word of a lady. Thank you also for your assurance that you will never let me down. I am happy to give you the same assurance. As a man of the church, my word is my bond. This proposal of yours really is very tempting indeed. As I mentioned in my last email, I am on the lookout for funds to restore my church organ. But with the amount of money you are talking about I could afford not only to restore my unusually large organ, but to reroof the nave, repoint the masonry in the tower, shore up the footings of the south porch... in fact there are no end of jobs that need doing to the church that this money would enable me to carry out. However, I do have one remaining concern. You mentioned in your initial email that your son, Mohammed, had just been released from prison. I don't mean any disrespect towards your son, but a man in my position has to be very careful who he associates with, and it wouldn't do for me to get myself involved with a criminal. Tell me, my dear lady, what offence was your son imprisoned for? And, more importantly, has he fully repented for whatever heinous behaviour it was that earned him a custodial sentence? I must go: I have just taken on a new Verger and he is due to pop into the church this morning so that I can show him the ropes. I can't tell you what a blessed relief it will be to have a new Verger: I have been without one for nearly two years now. The previous Verger is away on a seven-year sabbatical polishing the silverware in Pentonville chapel and he isn't due to return for another five years (or one and a half with good behaviour). I am sure that the new Verger - a Mr Beaker, who used to work for a local inventor - will be more than capable of filling the old Verger's shoes. Please get back to me as soon as you can with more details of your son's misdemeanours. Depending on the severity of his offences, I may unfortunately be forced to turn down your proposal: I have my reputation to think of. May the Great Prophet Noel watch over you in everything that you do and provide useful guidance wherever necessary. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Urgent!!! Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 13:38:45 +0100 (BST) Dear Murray, Thanks for your mail and I am very happy to hear from you and upon the claim of the funds, I would like that your esteemed firm to invest the funds in projects that cannot be traced to my family. Once your response, indicating your willingness to assist me on the above, I will send an urgent message to our family lawyer, who will provide all the necessary documents needed in order to claim this money out. My eldest son Mohammed Abacha was falsely accused of murder and was imprisoned, thanks to Allah, he has been released of his innocence. Please view this site and read its content carefully: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/468903.stm Thanks be to almighty God who brought my son out from prison, and clean all the allegations levelled against him after the death of my husband General Sani Abacha (former Nigerian military Head of State) with the help of the former Senate President Chief Anyim Pius Anyim and the Speaker of the Lower House Alhaji Ghali Na'abba, who help release my son from prison. Please send me your private telephone number and your home address and like I said before a handsome reward of 30% of the total sum will be for you. 60% will be for my family and the remaining 10% will be invested in charity organisations. Sincerely, Mariam Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I am willing to proceed provided that your son has no involvement in this business Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 15:36:22 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for your email. I must say, I was shocked and disappointed to hear that your son had been imprisoned on a murder charge. I had been hoping that he had been imprisoned for some relatively minor offence - some unpaid parking tickets or a drunk and disorderly charge, for example. I had no idea that he had been accused of murder. After I had read your email, my first reaction was to forget about this whole business altogether - after all, a man in my position can't go associating himself with murderers. However, upon reflection, I could do a lot of good works with the money you are offering me, and chances like this only come along once in a blue moon. I was unsure about what to do, so I prayed to the Great Prophet Noel for guidance. Having prayed long and hard, I have decided that I am willing to move forward with your proposal, but only on the strict provision that your son has no involvement whatsoever with this business. I will be happy to work with you (assuming of course that you have had no murder charges levelled against you - please confirm that this is indeed the case), but I will have nothing at all to do with your son. I hope and pray that this will be acceptable to you. Please let me know if this is indeed the case. If it is, then we can continue and I will send you the personal details that you requested. My new Verger, Mr Beaker (or "Beaker" as he appears to prefer to be called), turned up at the church this morning as planned. I am pleased to report that I am sure he will settle in nicely to his new role. I showed him around the church and explained his duties to him and he seemed to take most of it in without too many problems. Unfortunately, there does appear to be a slight issue regarding body odour. Actually, "slight" is perhaps not the best word to use, given that the aroma is still strongly present in the church this afternoon, despite the amount of incense I burned after he left in an attempt to get rid of the smell, but I am sure that we will be able to do something about that. I may have to tactfully bring up the subject of personal hygiene when Beaker turns up for work tomorrow morning. Anyway, back to business. Please get back to me as soon as you can to let me know whether my idea of keeping your son out of this business is acceptable to you. I will be waiting to hear from you. May the Great Prophet Noel shine His torch of love into the darkest depths of your soul. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. May I respectfully point out that as a vicar of the Church of Zeal or no Zeal, the correct manner in which to address me is "Reverend Murray" rather than "Murray"? From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thanks for your understand!!! Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 19:49:38 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Thank you for your mail and my son has nothing to do with this business OK, so send me your personal details both telephone number and your home address, so that I will send an urgent message to our family lawyer, who will provide all the necessary documents needed in order to claim this money out. Sincerely, Mariam Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: The details you requested Sent: Thu, 17 Aug 2006 08:50:04 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for your email. Now that I have your assurance that your murderous son is not going to have anything to do with this business, I am happy to move forward. Here is the personal information you requested:
Unfortunately, there is a problem with my telephone line at the moment: we had a delivery of communion wine last week and the delivery driver backed his lorry into a telegraph pole, which brought down the telephone lines to the vicarage. It is proving to be rather difficult to get the line reinstated, as there is some debate over exactly who is responsible: me, the telephone company or the company that the delivery driver works for. Until we can work out who is responsible, the phone company will not come out and fix the line. I am praying that this situation will be resolved early next week. Until then, I suggest that we continue this business via email. I trust that will be acceptable to you. Please let me know. I must go: I have to open up the church and make preparations with the new Verger, Beaker, for the weekly choir practice. We need to dust down the pews, sweep the nave and polish the church organ. It will be good to have someone else to polish my organ for me again after all this time: I have had to do it myself for the past two years. Hopefully the unpleasant aroma that Beaker left behind yesterday will have dissipated by now. If we have the same problem today, I may take him to one side and have a quiet talk about the benefits of regular washing and a good anti-perspirant deodorant. After all, cleanliness is next to Noeliness. Anyway, please do get back to me as soon as you can with further details about this business. May the Great Prophet Noel, the fisher of souls, lure you into His net of redemption with His bait of eternal joy. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. I noted yesterday that you made reference to someone called "Allah". Am I correct in assuming that you are therefore a member of one of the lesser religions? From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Did you receive my last email? Sent: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 08:43:16 Dear Mrs Abacha, As I did not hear back from you yesterday, I thought I would send you a quick note to check whether you received the last email I sent to you, containing the personal details you requested. Please get back to me and confirm that this is indeed the case. I confronted Beaker yesterday about his body odour problem. The poor man was completely unaware that anything was wrong; apparently he dealt with so many chemicals on a daily basis in his last job that the stench emanating from his armpits was completely overpowered by the smell of all the noxious substances he was dealing with. It was not an easy conversation to have, Mrs Abacha. Beaker was quite hurt when I explained the extent of the problem to him. However, he was able to see for himself that something needed to be done when Mrs Carruthers - one of the more sensitive members of the choir - fainted during choir practice (halfway through a rendition of "The Great Prophet Noel's My Shepherd") because of the strength of the odour. The poor woman knocked her forehead on the back of a pew as she fell, and sustained quite a nasty bump. We were wondering what to do to bring her round - unfortunately nobody had any smelling salts to hand - when Mrs Ffarquhar suggested that Beaker's armpits might be a good substitute. I called Beaker over and instructed him to lift his arm up and place his armpit directly over the prostrate Mrs Carruthers' nose. Well, it certainly did the trick. No sooner had Beaker clamped his armpit around Mrs Carruthers' nose than her eyes opened wide and the poor lady leaped to her feet in a trice. Clamping one hand firmly to her mouth, she ran down the aisle, straight through the door of the church and out into the churchyard, where she was comprehensively sick over the 16th Earl of Gypping's marble tomb. Given what had just happened, I decided that it would be wise to call an early halt to the choir practice. I assured the members of the choir as they left that something would be done about the odour problem. I then sent Beaker out into the churchyard with a mop and bucket to clean up the mess. I will just have to see whether Beaker has followed my advice and purchased some underarm deodorant when he turns up for work later today. I pray that he will have done so. Anyway, back to business. Do get back to me to confirm that you have received my personal details, my dear lady. Tell me, what is the next step in this process? May the Great Prophet Noel bathe you in a golden shower of His love. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thanks for your mail Sent: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 22:13:41 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, I am very sorry that have not reply your mail and have so forward the information to my family lawyer, he will get back to you with more details on this business. Please let me know once you hear anything for him. Sincerely, Mariam Abacha From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I expect your reply immediately!!! Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 09:48:11 +0100 (BST) JOHN BERNARD & ASSOCIATES Telephone Number: +234 085473 7870 Attention Sir, I am Barrister John Bernard, a solicitor and the personal attorney to late General Sani Abacha and also a family attorney to all the family member, but I want to know that if you are capable to handle this important business believing that you will never let my client down. So I want you to assured me that and kindly notify me without delay. Sir, you have to pay sum of $3,000 to enable me pay the money to the Chief Justice on your behalf, so that he will release the affidavit of facts, please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, his name: Chidi Francis and address: Nigeria and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two time as list below.
I am waiting for your favourable response, including the Western Union information. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Do you know a "Barrister John Bernard"? Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 13:45:11 Dear Mrs Abacha, I have just received rather an impertinent email from a chap calling himself "Barrister John Bernard". He mentioned your name in his email. Do you know this chap? Is he anything to do with you? I ask because the email I received from him was rather rude. I had assumed that a woman in your position would have taken on a lawyer who is capable of conducting himself in a more seemly manner than this Mr Bernard. Is the man anything to do with you? The man appears to be demanding money from me for something or other. I don't quite understand why. Please get back to me with the name and contact details of your personal attorney. I shan't do anything about this "Barrister John Bernard" until I hear back from you, my dear lady. I am pleased to report that my new Verger, Beaker, has now purchased some underarm deodorant, and that it has made quite a difference to the aroma he gives off. Things are not quite perfect (the lack of underarm odour unfortunately now brings into focus the smell that is emanating from his feet) but it is a definite improvement. I shall have to see if I can purchase Beaker some odour eaters for his sandals. Tomorrow is a very special day: during the church service we will be welcoming Beaker fully into the arms of his new church (he had to join the church in order to get the job). It has been some time since I undertook a ritual scourging and excoriation. I am looking forward to it immensely. Do get back to me as soon as you can and let me know the situation regarding this attorney chap. May the Great Prophet Noel tuck you into bed at night and watch over you as you sleep. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Try your best and contact him!!! Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 15:26:48 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your understand and I know him, he is my personal attorney and my family lawyer also you have to follow his instructions. Please see the contact address show below:
Thank you for your time and attention. Sincerely, Mariam Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: So, this John Bernard is indeed your attorney? Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 17:57:52 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for your email. So, this "Barrister John Bernard" character is indeed your attorney? Well I never. I never would have guessed that he was a barrister from the email that he sent to me, my dear lady. For one thing, it was riddled with spelling mistakes, and the tone of the email was extremely abrupt. One could even call it rude. And on top of all this, the man was demanding money from me like some common beggar in the street. Maybe you do things differently over there in Nigeria, but here in England a lawyer would never send such an impertinent email and demand money off someone without first introducing himself properly. Anyway, now that I know that this fellow really is your attorney, I shall get in touch with him and ascertain what needs to be done. I probably won't have a chance to contact him until Monday now: I have to be at the church in half an hour to help Beaker prepare it for tomorrow's service, and being a vicar, Sunday is obviously the busiest day of the week for me. I do hope Beaker doesn't get too nervous when he finds out what his induction to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal involves. He does seem like the nervous type to me, and I'm not sure how happy he will be at the prospect of having his sins whipped out of him in front of the rest of the congregation. I shall just have to do my best to reassure him. I mean, it's nothing that the rest of the congregation hasn't already gone through... and they all have the scars to prove it. I shall pray to the Great Prophet Noel that everything will be alright. I shall get back in touch with you as soon as I have contacted your attorney and update you on the current situation. May the Great Prophet Noel smile down upon you and show you which way true happiness lies. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: Please explain yourself Sent: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 08:44:12 Dear Mr Bernard, I am in receipt of the rather terse email you sent to me on Saturday. Having consulted with Mrs Abacha, she has confirmed - to my not inconsiderable surprise - that you are indeed her personal attorney. As you are no doubt aware, Mrs Abacha has asked me to assist her in moving $85 million in cash out of a Nigerian security company and into this country, where she is planning to invest it. In return for my help, she has kindly offered to donate 30% of this sum to my church. I would be grateful if you could get back to me and outline the steps that we will have to take in order to bring our plans to a successful conclusion. May the Great Prophet Noel bless you and your colleagues in the legal profession. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I have just contacted your attorney Sent: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 08:54:15 Dear Mrs Abacha, How are you, my dear lady? I trust that you had a pleasant weekend. I have just contacted your attorney and asked him to outline the steps we will need to take in order to move this money out of the Nigerian security company. Hopefully he will be prompt in responding to me. I am happy to report that Beaker's induction into the church went reasonably smoothly yesterday. Given his somewhat nervous disposition, I decided that it would be easier if I kept the precise details of the induction ceremony from him until the last minute. I have to say, for a man with such a slight, wiry frame he turned out to be surprisingly strong: it took six of my burliest parishioners to hold him down while I scourged his sins out of him. Beaker was obviously somewhat distressed by the whole experience, but I assured him afterwards that administering the scourging had hurt me far more than receiving it had hurt him. Anyway, now that's all over and done with, Beaker is now a full member of the church. He is now therefore guaranteed a place in heaven at the right hand of the Great Prophet Noel - unlike those poor people who are unfortunate enough to be members of a lesser religion. No offence. I have given Beaker a few days off work to recover from his initiation into the church. People do tend to find the initiation ceremony emotionally draining, and on top of that his wounds will heal more quickly if he rests on his front in bed for a few days. I will call in on him later this morning to see how he is. I will get back to you as soon as your attorney responds to my email. May the Great Prophet Noel cleanse you of your sins with His soap of forgiveness and His flannel of redemption. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Urgent!!! Sent: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 14:38:55 +0100 (BST) Attention: Reverend Gilbert Murray, Permit me to introduce myself to you hoping that you will understand me. Like I said before, I am Barrister John Bernard, a solicitor and the personal attorney to late General Sani Abacha and also a family attorney to all the family member. The first step you have to take is to send the money to my personal assistant so that I will get the whole documents from the Chief Justice here in the Federal High Court of Nigeria. So I will send a copy to you and forward a copy to the Nigerian security company to enable them tell me the next steps we have to take. Please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, his name: Chidi Francis and address: Nigeria and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.
I have a nice day and get back to me. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: What document is it that you need to obtain? Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 08:48:52 Dear Mr Bernard, Thank you for your email. I not ashamed to admit that I am finding this matter rather confusing. I would therefore appreciate it if you could explain things to me in a touch more detail. For a start, what document is it that you need to obtain from the Chief Justice of Nigeria? What exactly will this document enable us to do? Mrs Abacha told me that she had deposited the $85 million into the safekeeping of the security company. Why then do we need a document of any kind in order to withdraw the money? I don't have to apply to the High Court for a document simply to withdraw money that I have deposited into my own bank account. Surely then Mrs Abacha can simply go back to the security company, present them with some form of identification and withdraw the money that she deposited with them earlier? Why does she need a court document to enable her to do this? You must forgive my ignorance, my dear fellow, but being a simple country parson, legal matters are not exactly my forte. I trust that in light of all the legal training you must have gone through in order to attain your current position, you will be able to explain matters to my satisfaction. Please get back to me as soon as you can. I shall be waiting to hear from you. May the Great Prophet Noel restock the refrigerator of your soul with His provisions of righteousness. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Discussions are ongoing with your lawyer Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 08:57:49 Dear Mrs Abacha, Good news, my dear lady: Mr Bernard has got back to me and we are currently engaged in discussions with a view to bringing this business to a fruitful conclusion. How are you, my dear? I trust that you are keeping well and that your murderous son has not been causing you any further problems since his release from prison. Tell me, is he managing to stay out of trouble? It is a sad fact, but the rates of reoffending for prisoners in this country are very high, and I see no reason to expect things to be any different in your country. I shall pray to the Great Prophet Noel that your son manages to curb his homicidal tendencies. I popped in to see Beaker yesterday, and I am pleased to report that although the lesions on his back are still very sore, he is recovering well from Sunday's initiation ceremony. I took him a "get well soon" card and a little present: a pair of odour eaters for his sandals and some more underarm deodorant. I regret to say that he was not quite as appreciative as I was expecting him to be; he tossed the presents aside without so much as a "thank you". In fact, I couldn't help but notice that Beaker seemed rather cold towards me yesterday in general. Obviously, having your sins flogged out of you is not what one would call a pleasurable experience (although our local Member of Parliament doesn't seem to mind his monthly scourging one little bit, and has even asked if he can have it done once a fortnight), but the Book of Noel teaches us that regular monthly scourging and excoriation is the only way to ensure that one is purged entirely of one's sins. I explained this to Beaker yesterday, but he did not seem to appreciate what I was trying to say. Oh well, I am sure that he will come round to our way of thinking eventually, now that he is a member of the church. Do get back to me and let me know how you are getting on, my dear lady. I look forward to receiving your next email. May the Great Prophet Noel season the soup of your life with His salt of kindness and His pepper of understanding. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: What is the reason for your delay in responding? Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 17:13:55 Dear Mr Bernard, I sent you an email at the beginning of the day, in which I put a number of queries to you regarding the retrieval of Mrs Abacha's $85 million. I am surprised and disappointed not to have received the courtesy of a response from you yet. The subject titles you apply to the emails that you send me - and the excessive number of exclamation marks with which you round them off - imply that you are well aware of the urgency of this situation. However, this is completely at odds with the somewhat lackadaisical manner in which you appear to be conducting this business on Mrs Abacha's behalf. They do say that silence is golden. However, I do not think that this applies to people in the legal profession who have a job to do. I have just heard that I may be called away on some urgent ecclesiastical business later this week. With this in mind, I would thank you to deal with the queries that I put to you earlier by return. If you do not start treating this business with the urgency it deserves, I will have to consider finding myself a different lawyer. May the Great Prophet Noel guide your index fingers as they clumsily tap out a response to this email. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Attention Please Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 18:15:55 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your understand and also my son didn't put me any trouble so you have to follow my attorney instructions and do what he ask you to do OK. Thank you for your time and attention. Sincerely, Mariam Abacha From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Please try to understand me Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 21:02:34 +0100 (BST) Attention Reverend, I am very sorry for my late reply because am very busy in the office today but the document we need to get is the affidavit of facts and I will get it from the Chief Justice here in the Federal High Court of Nigeria. Because without this document the security company will not move this money out to any country that is the reason why I notify you to pay $3,000 so that I can enable to obtain it from the Federal High Court. I assure you that this business will be very successful and has no legal implications whatsoever as I have investigated and found out that no risk involved. Please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.
Please sir, get back to me as soon as you can, both the Western Union information. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: I still do not understand Sent: Wed, 23 Aug 2006 08:42:19 Dear Mr Bernard, Thank you for your email. Whilst I can appreciate that you must have other clients to deal with, I hope and pray that you are not allowing your other work to come before this particular business: there is a great deal of money at stake here, my dear fellow. Also, do not forget that you are working for the egregious Mrs Abacha. This is important business, my good man, and don't you forget it. I am sorry, my dear chap, but I still don't understand why we need this "affidavit of facts" in order for Mrs Abacha to withdraw her own money from the security company. It is Mrs Abacha's money (well, it was probably stolen from the Nigerian people by her reprehensible late husband, but that's neither here nor there; it's hers now). She deposited the money with the security company herself. Why then can she not simply go back to the security company and withdraw the money? I just don't understand. And while we're on the subject of this "affidavit of facts" that you say we need, how can it possibly cost $3,000 to obtain a single document? That's a huge amount of money. How can one single document possibly cost so much? Even if it was printed on gold leaf I can't see how it could possibly be that expensive. I am sorry, Mr Bernard, but I really don't understand this at all. Please get back to me by return and explain exactly what this document is, exactly why we need it, and exactly how it can possibly cost $3,000 to obtain it. And please, let us have no more delays. It is looking more and more likely that I am going to have to go away on church business later this week. If we cannot get this matter sorted out before I go, I may have to leave matters in the hands of my new Verger, Beaker... and I would rather not have to do that. If you met Beaker, believe me, you would understand why. Let us both work our hardest to conclude this matter swiftly, Mr Bernard. Mrs Abacha is relying on you. May the Great Prophet Noel find the words that you need to explain yourself to me and help you type them into your next email in the correct order. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Update Me Sent: Wed, 23 Aug 2006 19:59:59 +0100 (BST) Attention Reverend, I did like to bring to your notice that without the affidavit of facts the security company will not move this money out, that is the more reason why I demanded for the affidavit of facts, and because of the position of the family in this country it's not going to be easy getting the affidavit of facts from the Federal High Court of Nigeria. I have a personal discussion with the Chief Justice and he say that the document will cost much to get it but I on my part will see what to do about it that's why I have notify you to pay $3,000 it's going to cost more than that but whatever comes up I will take care of it. Please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.
Please sir, get back to me as soon as you can, both the Western Union information. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: I will get back to you Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 08:51:59 Dear Mr Bernard, Thank you for your email. I have to say, I thought that have to pay $3,000 for a single document was rather expensive, but now you are telling me that the document will cost even more than that! Surely that cannot be right, Mr Bernard? How can it possibly cost even more than $3,000 to obtain one document? I have had a number of dealings with lawyers in the past and they have never charged me anything like that amount for their services, never mind for a single document. I will have to give this matter some serious consideration and consult with Mrs Abacha. Please do nothing until you hear back from me. May the Great Prophet Noel explain to you the wisdom of charging reasonable fees for your services. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I think Mr Bernard may be overcharging us Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 08:59:44 Dear Mrs Abacha, How are you today, my dear lady? I trust that the Great Prophet Noel - or whatever false idol it is that you choose to worship - is smiling down upon you today. I am sorry to report that things are not going well with your attorney, Mr Bernard. As you will have seen, he is attempting to charge me over $3,000 simply to obtain a single document. Now I do not profess to be an expert on the law, but I am no fool my dear lady, and I would be amazed if one single document could possibly cost $3,000 to obtain. If I may be frank with you, my dear, I am afraid that Mr Bernard is attempting to take advantage of our good nature. I think he is attempting to overcharge us... and by a considerable degree. Being of the feminine persuasion as you are, this possibility has probably not entered into your pretty little mind. No doubt you left financial matters to your late husband when he was alive - if the amount of money he managed to embezzle from the Nigerian economy while he was in power is anything to go by, he must have been a bit of a financial wizard so this would have been a good move on your part. I'll bet Mr Bernard would never have attempted to charge your late husband this much money to obtain a single document, my dear lady. Given the fact that Mr Bernard appears to be attempting to overcharge us by such an outrageous degree, I did wonder whether it might be worth me getting in touch with my own lawyer - Welsby, of the legal firm Elton and Welsby - whose services I have been using for over ten years. Welsby is a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. Unlike Mr Bernard, he also charges extremely reasonable fees. Welsby has got the sharpest legal brain I have ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a mix-up between a case of communion wine and a case of industrial floor cleaner. Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges against the church dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved families. On top of that, he managed to get the church floor stripped and cleaned at the families' expense to get rid of the red wine stains. I cannot recommend Welsby highly enough. Do you think I ought to contact him and see if he can help us out in this matter, my dear lady? I am sure he would do an excellent job for us in this matter, and I am sure that he would charge us a lot less than your Mr Bernard, who appears to be more interested in feathering his own nest than assisting us in this business. I must go: a coach party from the Womens' Institute is visiting the church later today. They have heard about the impressive size of my organ and I am keen to show them exactly what I can do with it. Do get back to me as soon as you can and let me know your thoughts. May the Great Prophet Noel strew the ground on which you walk with rose petals and steer your feet away from the devil's cowpats. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. I am pleased to report that Beaker is up and about again, and that the stronger deodorant and odour eaters I purchased for him seem to be doing the trick. A few breath mints would perhaps not go amiss, but we are slowly getting there. From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Please follow his instruction Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 14:16:25 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your understand and I think the best thing you have to do is to send the money which is $3,000. Because he is the only person who know the way to get it fast so do not involve your lawyer because it's going to bring more problem to my family. Remember I told you that my son just got out of the prison so eyes are on us, I have seriously discussed that with my attorney and he complained about the Chief Justice demanding lots of money from him but he said that $3,000 will solve everything, and I believe him because he has been my family attorney for over 20 years now even before the death of my husband, so he can never disappoint us or do us bad. Kindly follow his instructions. Thanks and may God be with you. Amen, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: $3,000 is a lot of money for a simple country parson Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 16:32:02 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for your email. If you think that getting Welsby involved in this affair would be a bad move, then so be it. After all the shame that your despotic husband and your jailbird son have heaped upon your family, the last thing I would want to do would be to cause you any more problems. I am relieved to hear that you are confident that Mr Bernard is not trying to line his own pockets by overcharging us. I had feared - given the amount of money he was demanding for a single document - that he was no better but an opportunist thief, but if you are willing to place your trust in the man then so am I. However, the fact remains that we still need to find $3,000. That is a lot of money for a simple country parson such as myself, Mrs Abacha. We do not earn a lot of money in the first place (our rewards come in the next life), and on top of that I have to donate 25% of all my earnings to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal. I simply do not have $3,000 sitting around. Is there any way you could help out with this money, my dear lady? Given the huge amount of money that your late husband embezzled from the Nigerian people during his reign of terror, surely you must have a few thousand dollars stashed in various locations around the house in case of emergencies? Might I suggest that you try looking in a few biscuit tins or down the back of the sofa? Of course, there is always the money that my parishioners have raised for the restoration of my unusually large organ - I think that fund stands at a little over 9,000 at the moment - but that money has been raised specifically to be lavished on my organ and I really shouldn't use it for anything else. I would get into terrible trouble if I did so and anyone found out. Please, my dear lady, search your house and do your best to see if there is any way in which you can come up with the $3,000 we need in order to obtain that document from the Chief Justice. It would be a big help. Please get back to me as soon as you can. I will be praying to the Great Prophet Noel that you will have found a way for us to come up with the money. May the Great Prophet Noel guide your hands as you probe around in the back of the sofa and lead you to discover the money that we so badly need. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: You have to understand Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 22:46:22 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, May the Great Prophet Noel be with you, I got your mail and everything was well understood, but you just have to know that at the moment I don't have any money around, because the government of my country is still monitoring me. Just last week the security agent came for searching in my house, so at the moment I can't assure any money on my side because everything as regard to cash has been moved out and I don't really go out, I would have borrow from somebody but they are watching my movement. I did like to advise that you just get some money out of the 9,000 for the restoration of your unusually large organ, am also not trying to put you in a difficult situation, but you just have to understand that this will not take us up to seven working days so you can as well replace the money for your large organ. So that the security company will bring the money to your doorstep as soon as my attorney confirm the payment of $3,000 we just have to do something fast, if possible send the money to him by tomorrow. I must commend your understanding as regard this transaction, never mind in no time success will be ours. Hoping to hear from you. Best regard, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I have an idea Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 08:46:28 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that you cannot help out with the money. You must indeed be in dire financial straits at the moment. This puts us in a rather awkward situation, does it not? If neither of us actually has the $3,000 that the Chief Justice is demanding for that document, I am not sure whether we will actually be able to move forward. You suggested that I should use some of the money that my parishioners have collected for the restoration of my organ. I suppose I could use some of that money as a last resort, but I would much rather find the money in some other way if at all possible. My parishioners have worked long and hard to raise all that money, holding jumble sales and church fetes, and making and selling jam, scones and the like - one of the local farmers even put his daughter on the game for a week to raise money for the organ restoration fund - and they would not be at all happy if they discovered that I had used the money for another purpose. I did have an idea though. My lawyer, Welsby - I believe I mentioned him the other day - is rather well-heeled. I did wonder whether it would be worth asking him to loan me the money. I am sure that once I explained everything to him he would be more than happy to oblige. What do you think, Mrs Abacha? Should I ask Welsby for a loan? It seems to me as if this is the only way to raise the money. Do get back to me with your thoughts. May the Great Prophet Noel ensure that you eat a healthy, balanced and nutritious diet. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Try your best Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 17:43:35 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Please take my advice and just get some money out from the 9,000 you have raised of your church large organ and am not trying to put you in a difficult situation, but that is the only way we can get the money out so you have to understand me. Your idea is OK to me but I do not think that Mr Welsby will give you a loan if so try your best and may the Great Prophet Noel help us out, Amen. Hoping to hear from you again. Best regard, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard Subject: A regrettable development Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 17:58:22 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for your email. You do not sound keen on the idea of getting the eminent Welsby involved in this business at all. Under different circumstances I would tempted to argue this point with you - I cannot see any problem at all with the idea of us borrowing the money from Welsby - but unfortunately I do not have time to debate this matter with you. You see, I have just received an email from the Great Prophet Noel's office. It is just as I feared at the beginning of the week when I first caught wind of this: an ecclesiastical emergency of some kind has blown up, and apparently the Great Prophet Noel Himself has requested my presence to help resolve the issue. I have to say that whilst I am honoured to have received such a summons from the Great Prophet Noel Himself, it does come at rather a bad time in terms of this transaction. I am loathe to pack my bags and head off at this crucial stage in the proceedings, but obviously, there is no way that I can turn down a personal summons from the Great Prophet Noel. I would be excommunicated at once were I to do so, and stripped of my ceremonial knout. I am very sorry, Mrs Abacha, but I have no choice but to leave this matter in the capable hands of my new Verger, Beaker. I have given him a brief resume of the current situation, so Beaker is well aware of what we are attempting to do. I have also given Beaker your email address - and that of Mr Bernard - and instructed him to make contact with you both with a view to expediting this business as quickly as possible. Crucially, I have also given Beaker access to the organ restoration fund bank account and instructed him that he is to withdraw $3,000 from this account and send it on to Mr Bernard as quickly as possible... provided that Mr Bernard can provide Beaker with a few vital assurances first. Beaker will be contacting him regarding this in due course. Here is Beaker's email address, so that you will be able to make contact with him: xxxxxx@yahoo.co.uk. As you will have noted, my dear lady, I have sent a copy of this email to your attorney, Mr Bernard. Presuming that you will both be reading this email, I would like to make a plea to both of you. Beaker is not the best-educated of individuals. You may find that you have to explain things more than once to him before your point sinks in. With this in mind, could I please ask you to be as clear and simple as possible in your communications with Beaker? The more clearly and simply you put things, the less potential for confusion there will be. I have instructed Beaker to contact you both at some point during the weekend. Please bear in mind that he will be extremely busy over the weekend, especially given the fact that I will be away. He will be spending a lot of his time preparing the church for the Sunday services - which, in my absence, will be taken by my Curate, Mr Segg. I must apologise once more for my absence, but as I am sure you will appreciate, I have no choice in the matter. I am sure that Beaker will be able to handle things admirably on my behalf during my absence. I am not sure how long I will have to be away for, but I will be back in touch as soon as I return. May the Great Prophet Noel keep His hand firmly on the tiller of this transaction, ensuring a straight and speedy journey around the jagged rocks of failure that no doubt lie just submerged below the water of this business. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha; Barrister John Bernard Subject: HELLO I AM BEAKER Sent: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 09:53:36 Hello Mrs Abacha and Mr Bernard, I am Beaker my full name is Billy Beaker but everyone just calls me Beaker so you can call me Beaker too if you like. I am Reverend Murray's Verger and I work for him at the church and I keep the church clean and it is a very important job. Reverend Murray had to go away on church business it was something to do with the Great Prophet Noel but I do not know exactly what the business was all about but before he left Reverend Murray told me all about the things he is doing with you and he told me to send you an email and he told me to ask you what I need to do to get this money transferred. Please send me an email and tell me what I need to do and I will do it but I will be very busy in the church this weekend so it might not be until next week but I hope to hear from you soon. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: Very Urgent!!! Sent: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 19:33:05 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Thank you for your quick reply and Reverend Murray told me that he has instructed you to withdraw $3,000 from the account because I will use the money to get the document. And please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.
Please sir, get back to me as soon as you can, both the Western Union information, below is the last mail I got from him and he sent a copy to Mrs Abacha. Best regard, Barr John Bernard From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: From Mrs Abacha Sent: Sun, 27 Aug 2006 17:23:31 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Thanks for your mail and Reverend Murray's Verger told me that his go out for a church business and he has instructed you to carry out this business until him return back and the simple thing you have to do now is to send the money to my attorney Barr John Bernard as him instructed you. Please Beaker, take my advice and withdraw $3,000 from the account number. May the Great Prophet Noel help us out Amen. Hoping to hear from you again. Best regard, Mrs Abacha From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR ADVICE PLEASE? Sent: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 09:10:59 Hello Mrs Abacha, I just read the email that you sent to me yesterday and it confused me or maybe it is you that is confused in fact I think you must be because you told me that Reverend Murray's Verger told you something but I am Reverend Murray's Verger and I have been for a couple of weeks now so I do not know what you meant by that. I was very busy in the church yesterday because it was Sunday and I was helping out Curate Segg who was taking the service because Reverend Murray is away. I do not think that Mr Segg likes me very much but I do not like him very much either because he keeps on telling me that I smell and that is not very nice of him. Reverend Murray keeps on telling me that I smell too which is not very nice of him either. I wish people would stop telling me that I smell because I do not like it and it is very rude of them and I can't help it anyway because it is just the way that I am and it is making me unhappy. To be honest I have not been very happy at all since I started working for the church. Are you a member of the church Mrs Abacha? I had to join the church to get the job but I am starting to wish that I had never accepted the job because I have to work very long hours and the pay is very bad and I have to give a quarter of my pay to the church every month and that does not leave me with much money at all and I have to wear these church robes and sandals all the time and I think I look stupid wearing them. I am starting to wish that I had taken the other job that was on offer which was sweeping the floor at the local slaughterhouse because although that would have been a nasty job the pay would have been better and I would not have had to join this stupid church and wear these stupid clothes and my boss would not have had to whip my sins out of me which is what happened to me last week and that was not nice because it hurt and my back still hurts now. And I bet if I had taken the job at the slaughterhouse people would not keep on telling me that I smell either because they would probably smell of guts. And this church is stupid too. I used to believe in Jesus and be a Christian before I got this job but Reverend Murray tells me that I have to stop worshipping Jesus and start worshipping the Great Prophet Noel because Reverend Murray tells me that Jesus was not the son of God after all but was just some bloke with a beard who got on the wrong side of the Romans and got himself nailed to a tree but I am not sure that is right. And it does not feel right to be worshipping this Great Prophet Noel person because he is still alive and Curate Segg told me that he lives in a big mansion down south so I do not see why we should be worshipping him. How can he be God? It does not make any sense. I am sorry for going on like this Mrs Abacha but there is nobody else I can talk to about this because everyone in the village is a member of this church now and if I told them what I was thinking they would tell Reverend Murray when he gets back and he would be angry and that would not be good. I feel like I want to leave the church but Reverend Murray told me when I joined that when you join this church you join for life and there is no way of leaving and I am scared about what might happen to me if I tried to leave. What do you think I should do Mrs Abacha? I do not think that I want to work for this church any more but I am scared to leave it. What do you think I should do? Please tell me what you think I should do Mrs Abacha. Reverend Murray tells me that you are a wise woman and that you are educated even if he said that you would never guess that from your emails so I would appreciate your advice. There really is nobody else I can talk to about this and I am unhappy and I am scared. Thanking you, Beaker PS. Please do not tell Reverend Murray about any of this because he would be very angry if he found out that I had been talking like this. From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: WHAT IS WESTERN UNION? Sent: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 09:14:27 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I cannot take the money out of the church bank account today because it is a bank holiday in this country and that means that all of the banks are shut and they are not open until tomorrow but I will be able to take the money out then. What is Western Union? I have never heard of that before. I thought I was going to take the money out of the bank account and put it in the post for you or something like that but you are telling me to do something different and I do not know how to do that. Please explain to me what Western Union is and then I can send you the money by Western Union whatever it is tomorrow. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: I hope you will understand it Sent: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 16:02:46 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Western Union money transfer is the quick service to send money online and you have to go to Western Union office in your country as well send the money to my personal assistant like I said before. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.
After that just come back and send me all the Western Union information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: THERE IS NO WESTERN UNION OFFICE NEAR TO HERE Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 08:42:20 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I looked in the phone book and there is no Western Union office near to here. The closest one is in the town but that is quite a long way away from the village. If I had a car I could get there quite easily but I do not have a car because I do not drive. I have a bicycle but it would take me a long time to cycle there and back and I do not have the time to do that and anyway my legs would be very tired if I did. Is there some other way I can get the money to you Mr Bernard? How about if I put the money in an envelope and send it in the post to your personal assistant Mr Francis? Would that be OK? I have to go now so that I can go to the church and start work for the day. Reverend Murray has left a long list of jobs for me to do while he is away. I am going to start by giving his organ a good clean. Reverend Murray has a very large organ and he is very proud of it and he gives it a good polish twice a week and he has asked me to polish his organ for him this week. After I have done that I am going to clear out my office because there is still a lot of stuff in there that belongs to the last Verger and I want to get rid of it so that I can make room for my stuff. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: GO TO TOWN AND DO IT Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 13:59:11 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Please try all your best and go to the town just look for any bank tell them that you want to send money through Western Union money transfer to Nigeria and Mr Chidi Francis is the name you are going to use OK and send the money with that name because is my personal assistant like I said before. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.
After that just come back and send me all the Western Union information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response. Thanks, Barr John Bernard NB. Please do not put the money to any envelope or go to any post office OK. From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: CAN I SEND THE MONEY USING MONOGRAM AND I WANT YOUR ADVICE PLEASE Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 17:32:32 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I told you last time that the nearest Western Union office is a long way away from the village and that it is too far for me to cycle there. And I do not have time to go on the bus because Reverend Murray has left me a list of jobs to do around the church that is as long as my arm and if I do not get all of the jobs done before he gets back he might be angry and I would not like that. I was talking to Curate Segg about this just now and he told me that the post office in the village does something which I think he said was called Monogram and he said that it was like Western Union and that you could use it to send money to people all over the world. If I could send you the money using Monogram that would be a lot easier for me because the post office is just down the road from the church and it would not take long. Will that be OK with you Mr Bernard if I send the money using Monogram? Please let me know and if it is OK with you then I will send the money tomorrow. If it is not OK then I do not know what we are going to do because I will not get time to go into town for quite a few days. I probably should not tell you this but I found some rude pictures while I was clearing out the old Verger's things from my office. They were of girls and boys who were not very old. They were very nasty pictures. I think the old Verger must have been a pervert or something like that. I did not know what to do with the pictures so I stuffed them into an envelope and left it in my office while I decide what to do with them. You are a lawyer Mr Bernard. What do you think I should do with them? I was thinking that maybe I should take them to the police because things like that are against the law. But I am not very good at explaining myself sometimes and people always seem to get the wrong end of the stick and I am worried that if I took them to the police maybe they would think that they were my photographs and not the old Verger's photographs and that would not be good. What do you think I should do with the pictures Mr Bernard? Should I go to the police with them? As you are a lawyer I would appreciate your advice because Reverend Murray tells me that you are a very learned man even if he said that you would never guess that from your emails which is what he said about Mrs Abacha too. Please give me your advice on this as soon as you can and let me know about the Monogram thing too. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE!!! Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 21:46:12 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Thanks for your understand and all is well also try send it through MoneyGram is OK and about the rude pictures what you have to do now, just find any envelope put the picture on it and left it in your office. But Mr Chidi Francis is the name you are going to used OK and send the money with that name because is my personal assistant like I said before. You have to send it through Travellers' Express MoneyGram transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below:
After that just come back and send me all the MoneyGram information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: BUT SHOULD I GO TO THE POLICE WITH THE PICTURES OR NOT? Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 08:54:12 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I told you in my last email about those naughty pictures that I found in the office that must have belonged to the last Verger and I asked you for your advice about what I should do with them. But in the email you sent me back you only told me to put the pictures in an envelope and leave it in my office. But I have already told you that I have already done that so why are you telling me to do something that I have already told you that I have already done? You are a lawyer and so I was expecting to get some good advice from you but that advice was rubbish. I want to know if you think I should go to the police with the naughty pictures or not. You are a lawyer so you probably know more about this kind of thing than I do. I mean you probably know more about going to the police than I do not about naughty pictures of young children. I hope you do not know much about that at all because that would make you a sick individual and I am sure that is not what you are. Anyway what do you advise me to do Mr Bernard? I am very worried about this because if I take the pictures to the police they might get the wrong idea and think that they were mine and if I do not take them to the police and somebody finds them then they might think that they are mine too so I really do not know what to do. I am so worried about this that I hardly got any sleep last night and I cannot concentrate on my job which is bad. Because my mind is not on the job I dropped an effigy of the Great Prophet Noel in the church this morning when I was polishing it and it fell onto the floor and his little head fell off and I had to glue it back on with superglue. But I did not manage to glue it on quite straight and his little alabaster beard and his little alabaster pullover are both a bit chipped from where they hit the flagstones and I hope that Reverend Murray does not notice that it is broken when he gets back because he will be very angry with me and I do not like it when he gets angry. I need your advice Mr Bernard. Please tell me what I should do. Should I go to the police or not? Thanking you, Beaker PS. Is Mrs Abacha OK? I sent her an email on Monday and she has not got back to me and I wondered if she was sick or something. When I say sick I mean ill not sick like I meant it when I was talking about you being a sick individual. Which I am sure you are not by the way. From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: PLS SEND IT TODAY OK Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 14:19:18 +0100 (BST) Attention: Beaker, Thanks for your understand and you promise to send the money today because am going to use the money to obtain a document from the Chief Justice here in the Federal High Court of Nigeria. I want to let you know that the only advice I can give you as a lawyer is to leave this matter until Reverend Gilbert Murray return back because I will not put yourself in any problem OK so take my advice. Look!! If there is anything I hate in this world that is insults. How dare you insult me because Reverend Gilbert Murray instructed you to withdraw $3,000 from the church account is the reason why you insult me. Please try to send the money today, but Mr Chidi Francis is the name you are going to use OK and send the money with that name because is my personal assistant like I said before. You have to send it through Travellers' Express MoneyGram transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below:
After that just come back and send me all the MoneyGram information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response again. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: I DIDN'T MEAN TO INSULT YOU Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 15:37:48 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I am confused now because you said in your last email that I insulted you but I didn't insult you or at least I didn't mean to insult you. Reverend Murray told me that you were a very important and intelligent lawyer even if he said that you would never guess that from your emails and he told me that with your help we were going to raise a lot of money for the church so I would never want to insult you. I can only think that because your English is so rubbish you misunderstood something in my email that was not meant to be an insult and that you took it to be an insult when it wasn't an insult. People are always misunderstanding me because I am not very good at explaining myself sometimes especially when I get stressed like I am now over these naughty pictures of children that I found and over all of the jobs that Reverend Murray has given me to do and that is why I am worried about going to the police or about someone finding those pictures because I might get flustered and then I might not be able to explain that they are not mine. Well I am sorry if I did insult you because I really did not mean to. Please do not tell Reverend Murray that I insulted you because he would be very angry with me and I would not want that. He is going to be angry enough with me anyway if he finds out that I broke the little alabaster effigy of the Great Prophet Noel and I do not want to give him any other reason to be angry with me. Anyway I will do what you suggest and leave the pictures in the envelope in my office until Reverend Murray gets back and then I will ask him what to do. I think I will have a look through them a bit later on because although most of them were of children they were not all of children and one or two of them were of this woman who reminds me a bit of Miss Fortesque who sings in the choir only with bigger lady bumps than Miss Fortesque and with less clothes than Miss Fortesque normally wears and doing something that Miss Fortesque would probably never do and I like Miss Fortesque because she looks very nice. I might keep those ones for myself. As for the money that I need to send to you I am sorry but it is too late now to send it today because it is early closing day in the village and the post office is shut now until tomorrow. But do not worry I will send the money tomorrow like Reverend Murray wants me to do. Now I come to think of it I am sure there was something that Reverend Murray wanted me to ask you before I sent you the money but my memory is not very good and I cannot remember what it was. I hope I will remember what it was by tomorrow. I asked you how Mrs Abacha was and you did not tell me. How is she? I am worried about her because she has not replied to the email that I sent her on Monday and I want her advice about something so I hope she will reply soon and I hope that she is not sick. Thanking you, Beaker From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: How are things progressing? Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 18:47:33 Dear Mr Bernard, I have managed to extract myself from the ecclesiastical emergency that has been taking up my time this week for a few moments and by chance I have come across a computer with internet access, so I thought I would send you a quick email to enquire how things are progressing. I presume that Beaker has transferred the money to you by now. Have you managed to obtain the document you need from the Chief Justice? Please get back to me with a progress update as quickly as you can. I will do my best to check my emails again tomorrow, but I am not sure whether I will be able to get away again like this. If I do not manage to, I will catch up with you upon my return to Gypping in the Marsh. May the Great Prophet Noel ensure your continued productivity each day by sending you to work on an egg and putting a tiger in your tank. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: PLS LET ME KNOW Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:35:44 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, I am very happy to hear from you again and all is well but what you have to do is to keep working with church for the meantime and I will find a way to help you out OK. Please try all your best and send the money to my personal attorney Barr John Bernard and try to follow all his instructions you get from him OK. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: ALL IS WELL Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 08:54:35 +0100 (BST) Dear Gilbert Murray, Thanks for your quick response and all is well. Beaker promise to send the money today. As soon as he do so I will let you know OK so that I will be able to obtain the document from Chief Justice. May the Great Prophet Noel be with you Amen. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: What is the reason for this delay? Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 08:45:16 Dear Mr Bernard, I have just managed to pop out after breakfast to check my emails before the day's work begins. I have to say, my dear fellow, I am rather concerned to hear that things do not appear to have moved on at all since I left Gypping in the Marsh last week. What is the reason for this delay, Mr Bernard? Do you not appreciate the urgency and importance of this business? Do we not read in the Book of Noel (Philbin 2:25) about how the Great Prophet Noel cast the prevaricators out of the studio? I would urge you to take a leaf out of the Great Prophet Noel's book, Mr Bernard, and to stop prevaricating and to hurry this business along. Let us have no more of these tiresome delays my dear chap. May the Great Prophet Noel turn your attitude towards this business from that of an indolent donkey into that of a speedy stallion with His horsewhip of eternal diligence. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: The Delay Is From Beaker Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 10:48:10 +0100 (BST) Dear Gilbert Murray, I am very happy to hear from you again and Beaker told me that the post office is shut now until tomorrow which means he will send the money today. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: The post office closes early on Wednesdays, not Thursdays Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:04:29 Dear Mr Bernard, I have managed to pop out again briefly to check my emails. Surely you must be mistaken, my dear fellow? I gave Beaker express instructions to transfer the money to you as soon as possible. I cannot imagine that he would have disobeyed my orders and delayed matters for this long. No, you must be mistaken. You are certainly mistaken about the opening times of the Gypping in the Marsh post office. I am one hundred percent certain that Beaker would not have told you that the post office was closed today: it closes on Wednesday afternoons, not on Thursdays. And if the post office was indeed closed today, how could he send the money to you today? I hope you do not mind me saying so, my dear chap, but you sound somewhat confused about your dates. What you wrote in your last email to me simply does not make any sense. Tell me, Mr Bernard, do you enjoy a drink at all, by any chance? I have to go: the Great Prophet Noel will probably have finished his cigarette break by now and there are important matters to attend to. Please, Mr Bernard, I implore you to apply yourself to the matter in hand and to expedite matters as quickly as possible, with no further delays. And if you don't mind a bit of well-meant advice, it might be worth you limiting your consumption of alcoholic beverages to a couple of glasses of red wine - and no more - in the evening. May the Great Prophet Noel encourage abstinence and moderation in all aspects of your life. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. May I gently remind you that as a vicar, the correct way in which to address me is "Reverend Murray"? I am sure that you do not mean to cause offence, but if you were to take a little more care with your emails you would ensure that you did not do so unwittingly. From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: I HAVE REMEMBERED WHAT IT IS THAT REVEREND MURRAY WANTED ME TO ASK YOU Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:10:52 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I have remembered what it is that Reverend Murray wanted me to ask you before sending you the money. Reverend Murray told me that he is a bit worried about taking the money out of the organ restoration fund because he said that if anyone found out that he had taken the money and used it for something else a lot of people would be very angry with him and he could even get thrown out of the church and get accused of fraud or something and of course he does not want that to happen. Reverend Murray wanted me to find out from you before I send you the money exactly how long it will be before he gets hold of the money from the security company so that he can replace the money that we are going to take out of the organ restoration fund. He asked me to ask you for a definite date and to give me your personal assurance that it would not take any longer than however long you tell me it will take. So Mr Bernard how long will it be before we get the money? Please let me know because then I can send the $3,000 to your personal assistant Mr Francis. I went through those naughty pictures yesterday like I said I would and there were five of them that were pictures of the lady who looks a lot like Miss Fortesque who sings in the choir only with bigger lady bumps so I took them out and put them in a separate envelope and hid that somewhere else in my office because I am going to keep those ones because they are not of children. I am still very worried about the fact that I have still got all those naughty pictures of children hidden in my office. The sooner Reverend Murray gets back and I can get rid of them the better as far as I am concerned. I must go now because I have to clean and polish the twenty-two ceremonial boxes of Noel. I am still nervous about having those pictures in my office but not as nervous as I was before so hopefully I will manage to clean the boxes without breaking anything today. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: PLS TRY TO DO SO TODAY Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 13:01:41 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, I am very happy to hear from you again and I have to let you know that Reverend Murray just send me email yesterday and both today he ask me whether you have send the money to me and I just say no to him OK. As soon as you send the money to me and I will try all my best to get the money out from the security company. Please try to send the money today. I hope to hear from you with the information immediately. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: BUT WHAT DATE WILL WE GET THE MONEY? Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 14:41:21 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I did not know that you had heard from Reverend Murray. He did not send me any emails. How is he? Did he tell you how things were going with the Great Prophet Noel? Did he tell you when he would be coming back to Gypping in the Marsh? You didn't tell him about the naughty pictures did you? I hope you didn't because he might have got the wrong idea and he might be angry with me when he gets back. You didn't tell him did you? Well did you? Well? Did you? Did you tell him Mr Bernard? Did you? Well? I am sorry Mr Bernard but you did not answer my question. I asked you what date we will get the money but you did not tell me a date. You just said that you will do your best to get the money from the security company. Reverend Murray was very specific when he asked me to make sure that you gave me a date when we can expect to receive the money and he told me not to send the $3,000 to you until you had given me a date but you have not done so and now you are even sounding like you are not sure that you will be able to get the money out from the security company at all and that is not good and if Reverend Murray heard that I do not think that he would want to send you the $3,000 because if there is the slightest chance that he will not get it back then he could get into big trouble with the Great Prophet Noel. Reverend Murray told me to make sure that I followed his instructions to the letter and that is what I am doing because if I do not do that then he will be angry with me so before I can send you the money I need a date from you and I need your word as a lawyer that there will not be any delays and that the date that you give me is definite. Thanking you, Beaker From: Beaker To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Barrister John Bernard Subject: BARRISTER BERNARD IS DELAYING THINGS Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 16:43:58 Hello Reverend Murray, I do not know when you will get this email or even if you will be able to read it before you come back but Barrister Bernard told me that you had managed to send him a couple of emails so I am hoping that you will manage to read this one too at some point before you come back. I am very sorry Reverend Murray but I have not sent the $3,000 to Barrister Bernard yet because he is delaying things. I have asked him what you told me to ask him but he has not given me a firm date like you said you wanted and in fact he is now saying that if I send him the $3,000 he will just do his best to get the money out from the security company. That does not sound very promising to me because it sounds to me as if Barrister Bernard has got doubts as to whether he will actually be able to get the money out from the security company so from what he has told me it sounds as if there is a possibility that even if we send him the $3,000 he will not be able to get the money and then your $3,000 will have been wasted and you will not be able to pay it back into the organ restoration fund and then you will get into trouble with the Great Prophet Noel and with the people in the parish who have donated money into the fund. What should I do Reverend Murray? Barrister Bernard has been so slow in replying to my emails that it is now too late to do anything again today and so that is another day wasted thanks to him. Please tell me what to do Reverend Murray because I need your advice. Onto other things now. I have been following the instructions that you left me to the letter and I have been doing all of the jobs that you told me to do and I have managed to do most of them without anything going very wrong so that is good. Curate Segg is not being very nice to me but then I do not think that he likes me much. I am hoping that you will like me more when you get back and see what a good job I have done around the church. The one job that I have not managed to do yet is to climb up to the top of the spire and remove your weathercock and then give it a good polish and then put it back up there because it has been too windy and I have been afraid that if I climb up to the top of the spire in the strong wind I will fall off. But Curate Segg told me that it is supposed to be less windy tomorrow so if he is right I will climb up to the top of the spire and I will pull your cock off and I will give it a good polish and then I will get it erect again and I will do my best not to get blown off while I am doing it. Please get back to me and tell me what to do as soon as you read this email because Barrister Bernard is delaying things and confusing me and not answering my questions and I want to do the right thing so that you are not angry with me. Thanking you, Beaker PS. If Barrister Bernard has mentioned anything about any pictures to you please ignore him because I will tell you all about that when you get back. From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: KEEP INSULT ME OK Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:51:37 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Keep insult me OK and I got the last email you send to Reverend Murray fine insult but God is there watching you OK my friend and I will not tell him anything yet but my God will tell him. So you will get the money back on 8 September 2006 because I will take two day to obtain the document from the Chief Justice so that the security company will now move the money out $85 million in cash. May the Great Prophet Noel keep watching you and insult me more OK. Barr John Bernard From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Pls Contact Beaker Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 18:10:23 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Beaker is not capable to handing this transaction because you just said that you give him express instructions to transfer the money to me and I have not got the money from him please try to contact Beaker as soon as possible. May the Great Prophet Noel be with you Amen. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: Not another delay? Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 21:57:55 Dear Mr Bernard, I have managed to get away and quickly check my emails before the end of the day. By the sound of things, it is a good job that I have managed to do so. What exactly is going on here? Beaker sent me an email earlier today - I believe that he sent a copy of it to you - in which he told me that this entire transaction was being delayed because you had not yet told him the date on which the money would be transferred over to me. I have no reason to disbelieve Beaker's email. After all, Beaker works for me and I work for the Great Prophet Noel, which means that Beaker is in a direct line of authority to an actual deity. And yet now I receive an email from you telling me that "Beaker is not capable to handling this transaction" (I believe you will find that the correct phrase is "Beaker is not capable of handling this transaction", but let us leave that aside for the moment). According to Beaker, the delays in this transaction have been caused by you failing to let him know exactly what date I can expect to receive the money from the security company. I would be extremely grateful if you could let Beaker have the information he needs immediately so that we can move forward with this transaction, Mr Bernard. And please stop trying to shift blame onto other people: it is most unbecoming for someone in your exalted position. I look forward to hearing that some progress has been made at last in this transaction. Kindly stop delaying things my good man so that matters can take their course. May the Great Prophet Noel shine His torch of productivity into your abyss of sloth. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. Beaker mentioned something about some pictures in his email, but I did not know what he was referring to. Do you have any idea? From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Pls tell him Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 09:09:39 +0100 (BST) Reverend Murray, I am not delaying things OK, because I have just give Beaker the date the money will come over there on 8th September 2006 and I will take two days to obtain document from the Chief Justice so that the security company will move out $85 million. Please tell Beaker to send the money today and about the pictures Beaker mentioned I have no idea ask him. May the Great Prophet Noel shine you day Amen. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: I HAVE TRANSFERRED THE MONEY TO MR FRANCIS Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 09:42:58 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. Thank you for telling me at last which date Reverend Murray will receive the money from the security company. Now that you have told me that I have been able to transfer the money like Reverend Murray told me to. I have just come back from the post office where I transferred the $3,000 to your personal assistant Mr Francis. I did not do two separate transfers like you suggested because I could not see the point and I would have had to fill in two forms and that would have been stupid and a waste of my time so I only made one transfer of $3,000. The woman at the post office told me that Mr Francis will be able to pick up the money straight away but that he will need some information to pick it up and here is the information that he will need. The money was sent by me Billy Beaker in a transfer of $3,000 to Chidi Francis and the MoneyGram reference number is 67915795 and there is a test question and answer and the test question is Miss Fortesque has nice what? and the answer is Lady bumps. Please get back to me as soon as Mr Francis has collected the money so that I know what is going on and so that I can tell Reverend Murray when he gets back whenever that may be. Thanking you, Beaker PS. Why do you keep on telling me that I am insulting you because I am not insulting you and if you think that I am then you must be misunderstanding me because your English is so bad. From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: Why insult? Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 13:37:01 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Mr Francis cannot collect the money because the reference number 67915795 is invalid. Why? Go back to post office and check it out. I am waiting to hear from you today before end today? Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: SORRY I MADE A MISTAKE WITH THE NUMBER Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 14:42:26 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I have checked the MoneyGram receipt and I am sorry but it looks like I made a mistake with the number. The woman at the post office has very bad handwriting and her 7s look like her 9s and now that I have looked more carefully I can see that the reference number is not 67915795 like I told you it is 67715795 instead. I am really sorry for making that mistake. Please do not tell Reverend Murray that I made a mistake because he might be angry with me. Anyway now that you have the right number your personal assistant Mr Francis will be able to collect the money so that is a good thing. The wind has dropped now so I am going to climb the church spire to take off the weathercock so that I can clean it. Please send me an email as soon as Mr Francis has picked up the money. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: I will tell him Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 17:38:46 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, Mr Francis cannot collect the money because the two reference numbers you gave me 67915795 and 67715795 is invalid so try to send me the receipt but am not happy with you or you want me to tell him everything about your behaviour OK. Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 17:55:31 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. What do you mean that the numbers are invalid? I do not understand? I made a mistake the first time but the second time I definitely gave you the right number and I know that because I double checked it. Wny are you threatening me with telling Reverend Murray about those things I asked you not to tell him about? I have not done anything wrong and it is not my fault if you and your personal assistant are screwing things up at your end. I cannot send you a copy of the receipt right now because we do not have a scanner. Curate Segg told me that the old Verger used to have a scanner but the police took it away with the rest of his computer equipment. But I will ask around the village and see if anyone has one and if they do I will scan in the receipt and send it to you this weekend. I bet I will be able to find someone with a scanner tomorrow. Just you wait and I will send you the receipt. In the meantime have you thought about trying a different MoneyGram office? Maybe it is them who are screwing things up and not you. Try a different MoneyGram office and let me know how you get on and I will do my best to send you the receipt tomorrow. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: All the reference numbers is invalid Sent: Sat, 02 Sep 2006 13:19:29 +0100 (BST) Dear Beaker, I am not threatening you because the whole number is invalid and Mr Chidi Francis can't collect the money out so I will not tell Reverend Murray anythings yet but you have to try all your best and scan the receipt so that my personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis will collect the money by Monday. Or you want me to tell him everything about your behaviour OK? Barr John Bernard From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: HERE IS THE RECEIPT AND I HAVE FOUND OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS Sent: Mon, 04 Sep 2006 08:36:03 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I asked around after the evening service yesterday and I could not find anybody with a scanner but I managed to find somebody in the village with a digital camera so I borrowed it off them and I took a picture of the MoneyGram receipt and I am sending it to you with this email. I talked to Curate Segg this weekend about the problems you and Mr Francis have been having and he told me that I should go back to the post office first thing this morning and see if there was a problem at this end so this is what I did and I got there as soon as it opened and I spoke to the woman at the post office and I have just got back and I am writing you this email straight away and this is what she told me. The woman at the post office said that MoneyGram had been having some technical problems over the past week because they are upgrading some computers somewhere in their network and this has meant that some transfers have got stuck in the system or at least that is how she put it and she reckons that this is what happened to the transfer I made to your personal assistant Mr Francis. She checked her system to see that the transfer was still there and it was as you can see from the receipt and she told me not to worry because MoneyGram have a procedure for when things like this happen and that all your MoneyGram agent has to do to gain access to the transfer I made is to carry out this procedure which is called MoneyGram Operating Procedure MG-RV8. What this means is that all Mr Francis needs to do is to go back to the MoneyGram agent and tell them to got to their computer and enter the MoneyGram reference number of the transfer which I gave you and which is written on the receipt and to carry out procedure MG-RV8 on their computer and this will give them access to my transfer and it will stop it from being stuck in the system and Mr Francis will be able to collect the money straight away. The woman at the post office was very surprised that your MoneyGram agent had not done this already because she told me that it is standard operating procedure and she told me that it was very likely that your MoneyGram agent is new at the job and could do with some more training and maybe you and Mr Francis should tell them that when you go back to get the money because they have wasted your time and my time and Reverend Murray's time and Mrs Abacha's time and that is not good. Anyway now we know what the problem was Mr Francis will be able to collect the money straight away so please send him back to the MoneyGram office right now and tell him to get the money because I do not want Reverend Murray to be angry with me when he gets back and let me know when you have got the money. Thanking you, Beaker  From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: I am most displeased with you Sent: Mon, 04 Sep 2006 12:05:44 Dear Mr Bernard, I am writing to let you know that I am most displeased with you. I returned to Gypping in the Marsh earlier this morning and found to my surprise and displeasure that you have still not managed to collect the money that Beaker transferred to you. Beaker explained to me that he has done everything in his power to make it easy for you to pick up the money, but that you and Mr Francis have inexplicably not yet managed to do so. I have told you before, Mr Bernard, this is an extremely important transaction. There is a great deal of money at stake here. What we need you to do is to take action, my dear sir. What we emphatically do not need to you do is to bumble around ineffectually as you seem to have been doing right from the start of this business. I knew I should have tried harder to persuade Mrs Abacha to engage the services of my own lawyer, the eminent Welsby. Welsby told me quite some time ago that in the legal world, if you pay peanuts you get monkeys. I am now beginning to see the truth in his statement. But this is not the main reason for my extreme displeasure with you, Mr Bernard. I needed to have a look at some old church accounts this morning that I knew were stored somewhere in the Verger's office, so while Beaker was outside dusting the gravestones I went into his office and started searching for the files I needed. I came across a plain brown envelope which I thought might contain the accounts. However, when I opened it and had a look inside, I was shocked and horrified by what I discovered. It was a collection of photographs - extremely indecent photographs - of young children! They were obscene, Mr Bernard... complete filth. I called Beaker into the office straight away, confronted him with the photographs and demanded that he should explain himself. Beaker understandably got very flustered and I found it difficult to understand exactly what he was trying to tell me. However, what I did manage to make out from his somewhat incoherent attempt at an explanation was that the pictures were nothing to do with him, but that you knew all about the pictures and that you had told Beaker not to go to the police with them! I demanded to know where the pictures had come from, but all Beaker did was to ramble on about how you knew all about them and how you had instructed him not to go to the police. Did you send those pictures to Beaker, Mr Bernard? I cannot for the life of me think where else he could have got his hands on such disgusting material, and you seem to be the only other person who knows anything about them. What on earth do you think you are playing at, Mr Bernard? You ought to be ashamed of yourself... a man in your position, sending such repulsive, obscene - and, for that matter, illegal - material to a man of the church. Your type of people disgust me, Mr Bernard. If I had known that you were a paedophile, I never would have agreed to engage your services in this matter. Tell me, is Mrs Abacha aware of your deviant sexual proclivities? I have no doubt that she is not. Well I have a good mind to tell her. This kind of behaviour is completely against the teachings of the Great Prophet Noel, and it needs to be stamped out right now. To this end, I have locked Beaker in his office and instructed Curate Segg to round up four or five of our burliest churchgoers. As soon as they arrive at the church we are going to strap Beaker to the altar and whip any deviant thoughts out of him. It will not be a pleasant experience for any of us, but thanks to you it is unfortunately necessary. If you were here, Mr Bernard, I would be doing exactly the same to you. You disgust and appall me, Mr Bernard. You are a sick deviant, who in my opinion ought to be whipped to within an inch of your life and then locked up for a very long time indeed. However, as we still have a job of work to do, I see that I must put my personal feelings about you to one side for the moment and continue to work with you until we have managed to conclude this transaction. Believe me, my dear sir, it will pain me to do so. Beaker tells me that he sent this money to you days ago. I would be grateful if you would stop wasting your time pleasuring yourself while looking at obscene pictures of little boys on your computer and swing into action, Mr Bernard. Send Mr Francis to collect the money immediately so that we can bring this transaction to a swift conclusion. And if you do not stop peddling your vile filth to members of my church, I will inform the authorities of your pederastic proclivities. I will pray to the Great Prophet Noel for your salvation, Mr Bernard, but I fear that I am too late. I fear that even if you were to repent now, your hideously deviant sexual tendencies have already damned you to an eternity in Hell. May the Great Prophet Noel wield His birch of redemption to stop you distributing your repugnant pictures of small boys being abused by you and your ilk to innocent members of the church. AMEN, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard Subject: Your odious lawyer has let you down Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 08:54:22 Dear Mrs Abacha, I am sorry to have to say this, my dear lady, but thanks to the odious behaviour of your lawyer, I do not feel able to move forward with this business any further. I have told you before that I have my reputation to think of. For the sake of this transaction, I was willing to forget the fact that you had a cruel and despotic husband and a murderous son. After all, you cannot choose your family. However, you can choose your lawyer, and the fact that you chose a barely-literate, incompetent paedophile as your lawyer shows singularly poor judgement on your part. Beaker bent over backwards to move this transaction forward, and yet all Mr Bernard seemed to be interested in doing was sending pornographic pictures of small boys to him. He seemed to have little interest in collecting the money that Beaker transferred to him. I cannot tolerate such despicable behaviour, Mrs Abacha. As a result of your lawyer's perverted behaviour, I am therefore dropping this transaction. As it happens, I have just received an email from a jolly nice chap called Barrister Okeke, who has written to me with a very promising offer. He puts himself forward in a much more professional manner than you or your lawyer have ever done... and I have no doubt that he has no interest whatsoever in young boys. May the Great Prophet Noel teach you the error of your ways and ensure that Mr Bernard spends a very long time in prison in return for his crimes. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: AM NOT HAPPY WITH BEAKER OK Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 14:31:31 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Mr Francis just back from MoneyGram office and he told me that the agent say that this is not MoneyGram? And the reference number is invalid and them carry out operating procedure MG-RV8. No way out so you have to send Beaker back to the post office. About the pictures see what Beaker said:
Please sir, send the money through Western Union money transfer, so that I will obtain the document from the Chief Justice so that the security company will move out $85 million to your church but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.
After that just come back and send me all the Western Union information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: Your one and only chance to redeem yourself Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 16:04:39 Mr Bernard, I am surprised to have heard from you again. Did you not read what I put in my last email to Mrs Abacha? I did send you a copy. I can only assume that you did not read that email; no doubt you were far too busy interfering with young boys, as is your wont. Well to summarise what I said in that email, I told Mrs Abacha that as a result of your disgusting sexual deviancy, I am no longer willing to carry on with this transaction. As it happens, I received a very lucrative-sounding offer this morning from a countryman of yours - a nice chap called Barrister Okeke - and I will instead be moving forward with his proposal. If I may say so, Mr Bernard, the fact that you are trying to blame poor Beaker for your depraved behaviour only makes matters worse. It is no use you forging emails that you say you received from Beaker, because I know what really happened. You see, I strapped Beaker to the altar yesterday and flogged him until his skin was hanging down from his back in bloody strips, as punishment for being in possession of such disgusting material. Sure enough, towards the end of his punishment, the truth emerged. Beaker confessed everything to me: he told me that you had sent him those photographs, that you had told him not to go to the police about them and that you were threatening to tell me that he had the pictures in his possession at the same time. This is absolutely despicable behaviour, Mr Bernard. What on earth were you trying to achieve? Were you trying to blackmail Beaker into joining your paedophile ring? Is that it? Well thank the Great Prophet Noel that your odious plans came to nothing. You are a sick man, Mr Bernard. You need help. You need a damn good whipping too, if you ask me. The depth of your depravity is brought into even sharper focus at the moment, because my congregation is currently raising funds for ChildLine, a UK-based charity that provides help and support for children in need. How sharp is the contrast between my congregation's attitude to children and your own. I pity poor Mrs Abacha. Not only does the woman have a monster of a late husband and a homicidal jailbird son, she now has a perverted lawyer to contend with. The poor woman must be at her wits' ends. For the sake of Mrs Abacha and because I am a man of the church (and therefore forgiving by nature), I am willing to give you one last chance, Mr Bernard. However, given the despicable, depraved behaviour that you have displayed, I am only willing to move forward if you are willing to do the following:
If you are willing to meet all three of those demands, I will be able to see that you are starting to atone for your sins and I will move forward with this transaction. If not, then you may as well stop emailing me right now, because I will not be sending you a single cent; I will move forward with Barrister Okeke instead. The choice is yours, Mr Bernard. May the Great Prophet Noel protect all small children from the attentions of you and your ilk. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Your odious lawyer has let you down Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 21:34:55 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, I am very happy that you are back from your trip and all is not well because Mr Beaker keep insulting my lawyer and that is a bad behaviour from Beaker. But Mr Bernard told me that Beaker need his advice what he will do with rude pictures he find out when he is clearing out the old Verger's in his office. My lawyer is innocent of this allegation. The only advice Bernard gave him was that he will leave this matter until you return back so you have to ask Beaker? Who is Barrister Okeke? What do you have to do with him? Please stop mailing him OK. About that money Beaker say he send to Mr Bernard is invalid transferred from MoneyGram so carry out the transaction again. Below is the attachment MoneyGram receipt Beaker send to my lawyer. May the Great Prophet Noel help you to carry out this transaction. Yours, Mrs Abacha A copy of Beaker's forged MoneyGram receipt was attached to Mrs Abacha's email. From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard Subject: Your lawyer's guilt has been proved on the altar of the Great Prophet Noel Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 08:46:22 Dear Mrs Abacha, Whatever despicable lies your lawyer may be telling you in an attempt to get himself off the hook, I know the truth: your lawyer's guilt has been proved on the altar of the Great Prophet Noel. You see, with the help of five of the strongest members of my congregation, I strapped Beaker to the altar on Monday afternoon and flogged him until his blood ran like a dark red stream down the aisle of the church. Towards the end of his punishment, Beaker confessed to me that your lawyer had sent him those pictures. Like me, Beaker is a man of the church. I know that there is no way he would dare to tell untruths in the house of the Great Prophet Noel. Therefore, your lawyer's guilt has been proved beyond all reasonable doubt. Mr Bernard's disgraceful behaviour is truly beyond the pale. Nevertheless, I am a forgiving man - and the Great Prophet Noel is a forgiving God - and therefore I have decided to give Mr Bernard one last chance to repent. I have told Mr Bernard that I will only be willing to continue with this transaction if he will first do three things:
If Mr Bernard is willing to do these three things, I will be willing to continue with this transaction, and I will also promise to do all I can to help rid him of his deviant sexual tendencies. If he refuses, I will refuse to have anything more to do with him - or with this transaction - and I will instead move forward with the lucrative business proposal that Barrister Okeke has kindly placed before me instead. It is up to Mr Bernard now, Mrs Abacha. I am waiting to hear from him. The success of this entire transaction rests upon his response. May the Great Prophet Noel prompt Barrister Bernard to do the right thing. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. As from the end of today, I will be away on church business until next Monday, and therefore will not be contactable until then. From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: I GOT WHIPPED BECAUSE OF YOU Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 08:56:09 Hello Mr Bernard, It is me Beaker again. I am not happy with you because Reverend Murray found those pictures when he got back and he got very angry like I thought he would and I tried to explain but I got muddled and he would not listen and he locked me in my office and he got some men and they tied me to the altar and Reverend Murray whipped me to within an inch of my life as a punishment and it is all your fault. Reverend Murray kept on yelling at me to confess my sins as he was whipping me but the pain was so bad that all I could do was scream but in the end I had to say something to get him to stop whipping me so I shouted out that you sent me those pictures because I thought that if I told him that he would stop whipping me and he did stop whipping me in the end after I told him that but not straight away because he was so angry. This is the second time I have been tied to the altar and whipped in the three weeks I have been working for the church and I am not happy about it at all because my wounds from the first whipping had only just healed and now my back is a bloody mess again and this whipping was all your fault because you told me not to go to the police. Reverend Murray is very angry with you now and he told me that he will only be willing to work with you again if you repent and if you join the church and if you make a donation to his charity and that if you do not then he is going to do some business with a man called Mr Bukkake or something like that and if he does that and stops working with you then I think that will serve you right for the rubbish advice you gave me that ended up with me getting whipped. I have to go now because Curate Segg has just come in to change the dressings on the wounds on my back. Thanking you for nothing, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: PLEASE SIR, GET BACK TO ME Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 11:53:16 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, See what Beaker send to me today, isn't a right thing? The Great Prophet Noel is my witness. Barr John Bernard
From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Barrister John Bernard Subject: Fwd: PLEASE SIR, GET BACK TO ME Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 12:13:41 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your mail and Beaker told you a pit of lies against my lawyer Barr John Bernard so see a copy of the message OK, I have to say that the Great Prophet Noel is my lawyer's witness and if you want to help me out send the money to him today before you will go to church business. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: Stop trying to blame others for your own depravity Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 12:44:37 Mr Bernard, What are you playing at? This is the second time you have forged an email and tried to pass it off as one sent by Beaker. Like me, Beaker is a man of the church, so I know that he would never write such a thing. By forging emails in this way you are only adding to your catalogue of sins. What is worse, you have taken the Great Prophet Noel's name in vain. Shame on you, sir. Stop trying to blame others for your own depravity, Mr Bernard. If you want me to continue this transaction, you know what you have to do. Either you agree to satisfy my requirements, or I consider this matter closed. May the Great Prophet Noel scourge you clean of your sins with His knout of vengeance. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: YOU HAVE GOT TO HELP ME GET AWAY FROM THIS CHURCH Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:29:16 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. You said the other week that you would help me to get away from this church but that I had to stick it out until the end of this transaction but I do not think that I can stick it out that long because Reverend Murray tied me to the altar and whipped me again on Monday and it was agony and it will take ages for the wounds on my back to heal again and Reverend Murray said that he was doing it for my own good but it did not feel like it was doing any good to me. I do not think that I can stand being whipped again like that. This is a cruel church Mrs Abacha and I do not want to be a part of it any more. I do not think that the Great Prophet Noel is a god at all. I think he is just an evil man who is conning people into worshipping him and conning them out of their money and it is obvious to me but nobody else in the village seems to be able to see that. If only your lawyer Mr Bernard and his personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis had not been so incompetent when they went to collect the money that I transferred to them then maybe this would all be over by now but your lawyer was incompetent and so things are dragging on and on top of that he gave me some very bad advice about some photographs I found and it was all his fault that I got whipped again. I spoke to Curate Segg this morning about what would happen if anyone wanted to leave the church but Curate Segg told me that would not be possible because when you sign up for this church you sign up for life and what is more he told me that he had heard that the Great Prophet Noel has a crack squad of enforcers and if someone tried to leave the church they would end up sleeping with the fishes. I want to leave the church but I do not want to end up sleeping with the fishes because my bedclothes would smell of fish and I do not like fish apart from battered cod so you have to help me get out of the church. I wish now that I had taken that job at the slaughterhouse because I might smell of guts all the time but at least I would not get whipped once a fortnight. Please help me Mrs Abacha because you are my only hope and I am relying on you. Thanking you, Beaker From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: The choice is yours Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:44:11 Mr Bernard, I am just about to leave Gypping in the Marsh for a few days. I will be travelling on church business. While I am away, perhaps you would like to consider your position. As I have already said, I am willing to complete this transaction, provided that you agree to make a full, signed, written confession of your sins, to fill in an application form to join my church and to make a donation of $50 towards my church's ChildLine appeal. Then, and only then, will I transfer the $3,000 to your personal assistant again. What is more, if you are willing to do this, I am willing to provide you with whatever assistance I can to help you atone for your heinous sins. I will contact the Great Prophet Noel's office and find out whether we have a representative of the church in Nigeria, and if we do I will be happy to arrange for him to visit you on a regular basis and administer however many ritual scourgings and excoriations are required to purge you of your sins. If you are not willing to do this, I will simply forget about this business and move forward with that nice Barrister Okeke. The choice is yours, Barrister Bernard: if you choose to do the right thing, you will be able to save both this transaction and your immortal soul in one fell swoop. If not, both this transaction and your immortal soul will undoubtedly go to Hell. I hope to have received a positive response from you when I return on Monday. May the Great Prophet Noel ensure that no small boys fall into your clutches between now and then. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Please help me out Sent: Mon, 11 Sep 2006 13:38:47 +0100 (BST) Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your update and I am very happy to hear from you again but all is well so try your best to complete this transaction with my Barrister John Bernard and I will donate one of my family houses to the Great Prophet Noel and I will be one of your representatives of the church here in Nigeria. So send me the application form so that I will join the church as a member of the Great Prophet Noel. May the Great Prophet Noel help us to complete this transaction. Amen! Amen!! Amen!!! Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Whether or not we proceed is entirely up to your paedophile lawyer Sent: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 08:54:27 Dear Mrs Abacha, Thank you for your email and for your kind offer to donate one of your houses to the church. I am sure that the Great Prophet Noel will be delighted at this news: he is always keen to add to the church's ever-burgeoning property portfolio. Please send me further details of the property (design, layout, floor area, approximate value, etc) and I will pass the details on to the Great Prophet Noel's office. On top of this, I am overjoyed to hear that you want to join the church yourself. No doubt the prospect of spending an eternity in Hell for being a heathen has been preying on your mind. I have attached an application form to this email. Please print it out and fill it in, then scan it back into your computer and send it back to me by return. I shall expect to receive it from you tomorrow. Speaking of the church, I am sorry to have to report that Beaker has been rather careless in his duties. I noticed upon my return to the church yesterday that a small plaster effigy of the Great Prophet Noel had been broken and had been very clumsily glued back together. I confronted Beaker and he readily confessed to having broken the statue while he was cleaning it. Naturally, I had to lash him to the altar and whip him again as a punishment. I do hope he starts to buck his ideas up: given the number of times I have had to chastise him, my arms are starting to ache. Now then, regarding this transaction. I have already told Mr Bernard that I will not be willing to carry on with this business unless he agrees to make a full confession of his sins, fill in an application form to join the church and make a donation of $50 towards my church's ChildLine appeal. So far, I have not heard back from him regarding this. Unless he responds positively to these demands (which are completely non-negotiable) I will be forced to drop this business and move forward with that nice Barrister Okeke instead. It would pain me to have to do this, my dear lady. But this is what happens when you employ a lying, cheating paodophile as your lawyer. The success of this transaction now lies entirely in the hands of your lawyer. Might I suggest that you take him to one side and have a word with him? In fact, why not print out an extra copy of the church application form and give it to Mr Bernard? That would save me from having to send him one. I wish you the best of luck in trying to persuade your lawyer to do the right thing. I will be waiting to hear back from you. Oh, and don't forget to send me details of this property, will you? May the Great Prophet Noel use His holy cat of nine tails to curb your lawyer's pederastic tendencies. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray  From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: PLEASE HELP ME OUT Sent: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 13:42:02 Dear Reverend Murray, I am very happy to hear that from you and about the property I will give you more details about it later. Please try to carry on the transaction with my lawyer because he is already in Catholic church as a member of "Christian Father" in the church so he cannot join your church because of that OK and try all your best to help me out in this business. Well, you have to resend the application form because the attached cannot open on computer so that I will join as a member of the Great Prophet Noel and I will fill it. My Great Prophet try to understand my lawyer Barr John Bernard for his reason why he cannot join the church as a member of the Great Prophet Noel. All is well you can still help me out on this matter at hand. Again who is Barrister Okeke? Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Either Mr Bernard complies with my demands, or this transaction is off Sent: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 13:51:42 Dear Mrs Abacha, I am sorry, my dear lady, but the matter is simple. Either Mr Bernard complies with my three demands, or this entire transaction is off, and I shall instead move forward with the alternative business proposal that has been put to me by Barrister Okeke. You say that Mr Bernard is currently a member of the Catholic church. Well, that explains a lot. But does he not realise that by remaining in that church he is condemning himself to eternal damnation? You have obviously seen the light, my dear lady, so please do your best to persuade Mr Bernard of the wisdom of converting to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal, as you yourself are about to do. You ask who Barrister Okeke is. I am sure that I have told you this on a number of occasions. He is a countryman of yours - a terribly nice chap - who contacted me a couple of weeks ago with a very lucrative-sounding proposal involving a wealthy client who unfortunately died without any surviving relatives to leave his fortune to. As it happens, Barrister Okeke contacted me again today: he is keen for us to make progress with his proposal. However, I have told him that out of the goodness of my heart I am giving you and your lawyer one final chance before dropping this business and moving forward with his proposal instead. Now then, you say that you cannot open the application form that I sent you? It is a PDF file. I have discussed this with Curate Segg and he tells me that all you need to do to open it is to download some free software called "Adobe Acrobat Reader", which apparently is available on the following website: http://www.adobe.com/. It is not my fault if you are using substandard computer equipment that lacks the most basic of software. Kindly download the necessary software and get the form back to me as soon as you can. I am growing tired of this, Mrs Abacha, and Barrister Okeke is keen to make some progress. I repeat, this success of this transaction is now in Mr Bernard's kiddy-fiddling hands. Either he meets my three demands, or you can forget about this entire transaction. May the Great Prophet Noel guide you to Adobe's website and watch over you as you download the free Acrobat Reader software that you need to open the application form I sent you. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: OK Sent: Wed, 13 Sep 2006 11:46:47 Dear Reverend Murray, What you have to do now is to transfer the $2,950 to my personal assistant again and take $50 out for the ChildLine appeal. I think have donate something to your church but I am very sorry about the advice I gave to Beaker by stopping him going to the police office and I will join your church so send me the application form. Please you have to send it through MoneyGram transfer.
I am still waiting to hear from you with the application form both the MoneyGram information and your name and address you used to send it. Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: REJOICE! For you have made the right decision Sent: Wed, 13 Sep 2006 12:21:40 Dear Mr Bernard, Thank you for your email. I am pleased to see that have made the right decision. Obviously your soul is not quite beyond redemption, sullied as it has been by your pederastic proclivities. REJOICE, Mr Bernard, for the agents of the Great Prophet Noel will soon be on hand to scourge you clean of your sins. It is the only way. Now then, as you are well aware, I laid down three demands which you must meet before I am willing to continue with this transaction. Let us deal with them one by one. Firstly, I require you to make a full confession of your sins to me. To this end, I require you to write out the following text by hand onto a piece of paper. I require you to sign it and date it, then scan it in and send a copy of it to me so that I can place it onto the altar of the Great Prophet Noel and pray for your redemption. Here is the text I require you to copy out:
Secondly, I require you to fill in an application form to join my church. I have attached one to this email. Please print it out, fill it in by hand, scan it back in and send me a copy. You may be aware that Mrs Abacha has also agreed to join the church, so you will be in good company. Thirdly, I require you to make a donation of $50 towards my church's ChildLine appeal. This is to atone for your pederastic behaviour. To this end, please send the sum of $50 to the appeal treasurer, via either MoneyGram or Western Union, using the following details:
Once you have transferred the money to Mr xxxxxx, you must send the information that is required for him to collect the money to me, so that I can pass it on to him. I also require you to scan in a copy of the Western Union or MoneyGram receipt that you are given, and send that to me as well. As I have told you before, I am not willing to transfer the $3,000 to your assistant until you have satisfied all three of these demands. I think I will be able to put Barrister Okeke off for a little while longer, but he has told me that he is not prepared to wait around forever, so make haste, Mr Bernard. I expect to receive your signed confession, your completed application form and proof of the payment you have made by return. I look forward to welcoming you into my church. May the Great Prophet Noel bless your converted cotton socks. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray A Church of Zeal or no Zeal application form was attached to Reverend Murray's email. From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Good news, dear lady Sent: Wed, 13 Sep 2006 12:46:32 Dear Mrs Abacha, Good news, dear lady: I have just heard from your paedophile lawyer, Mr Bernard. For the sake of this transaction, he has agreed to meet my demands in full. I can only imagine that you had a quiet word with him and made him aware that the success of this entire transaction rests upon his hunched shoulders. I must thank you, dear lady: without your intervention, not only would this transaction have failed, but Mr Bernard's soul would have been damned for all eternity. The Great Prophet Noel would be proud of you. Talking of the Great Prophet Noel, I look forward to receiving your completed membership application form by return, along with the information I have demanded from your pederastic barrister. May the Great Prophet Noel use His cocoa of redemption to ensure that you always enjoy a good night's sleep. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Good News!!! Sent: Wed, 13 Sep 2006 21:13:01 Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your understand on this matter at hand and all is well with what you just said and I cannot open the application form you just sent to me because I do not know how to download software on my computer so kindly give me the necessary details on the application form so that I will provide the necessary information needed to enable you fill it on my behalf. Stop send email to Barrister Okeke and where him from? I think you have to take out $50 from the $3,000 and send the remaining $2,950 to my lawyer and may the Great Prophet Noel be with you. Amen, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I am growing tired of all this nonsense Sent: Wed, 13 Sep 2006 21:32:45 Dear Mrs Abacha, I am sorry, my dear lady, but I am growing tired of all this nonsense. If you are unable to open the PDF file that I sent to you, please ask one of your friends to assist you. PDFs are a very common file format, according to Curate Segg, so if you follow the instructions I gave you, you should be able to open it without any problems. I am not willing to put up with any more excuses on your part... especially when Barrister Okeke is so keen to move forward. As regards your pederastic lawyer, I have sent him comprehensive instructions on what he must do. Either he adheres to all of my demands, or I will move forward with Barrister Okeke... who is pressuring me more and more each day to commit to his proposal. If Mr Bernard meets my demands before the end of tomorrow, I will be happy to move forward with this transaction and transfer the $3,000 to his assistant. If he does not, I will be forced to move forward with Barrister Okeke. May the Great Prophet Noel make Mr Bernard fully aware of the dangers of prevarication in this business. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister Okeke To: Mariam Abacha Subject: THIS JAND AKATA GILBERT MAN HE IS MINE NOW Sent: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 08:53:09 HEY OLODO THIS JAND AKATA GILBERT MAN HE IS MINE NOW YOU HAVE YOUR CHANCE YOU BLOW IT NOW I CHOP HIS MUGU DOLLAR BACK OFF MAGA OR I SHOOT YOUR THORUGH THE HEAD BARR OKEKE From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: You promised to help me but you have been no help at all Sent: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 12:02:40 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. I am not happy with you because you promised to help me but you have been no help at all and you didn't even answer my last email and I thought you were my friend but what kind of friend doesn't even answer their friend's emails? I have not been able to leave my room for the past few days because Reverend Murray whipped me yet again and this time it was for breaking a little statue of the Great Prophet Noel and it was an accident and I told Reverend Murray that but he said that it did not matter because I had committed a grave sin even if it was an accident and he said that I must be punished and later that day some big men came and tied me to the altar again and Reverend Murray whipped me for breaking the statue. That is why I have been stuck in my room because Reverend Murray whipped me so hard that all the skin on my back has come off and I have been lying on my front for all this time waiting for it to heal. Reverend Murray is not a nice man Mrs Abacha. As if it was not bad enough that he keeps whipping me every time I make the smallest mistake he is docking my wages for the time I have not been able to work because of the wounds on my back and that is not fair because he caused them in the first place. I hate it here Mrs Abacha and I do not think that I can stand it any longer. I am going to run away and I am going to go to the police and I am going to tell them that Reverend Murray keeps whipping me and I am going to get the police to arrest him for grievous bodily harm or whatever it is that they can charge him with and I hope that they will be able to protect me from the Great Prophet Noel and his men who will want to stop me from leaving the church. I have made my mind up. I am going to run away tonight when it dark and when the wounds on my back have healed a little bit more. I overheard Reverend Murray talking to Curate Segg earlier today and he was saying that you and your useless lawyer Mr Bernard were going to join the church but I want to warn you not to because I think this is an evil church and all that seems to happen when you join the church is you get whipped all the time and it hurts a lot. I also overheard Reverend Murray tell Curate Segg that he had sent your email address to the other Nigerian man he is dealing with who I think is called Mr Bukkake or something like that because he said that Mr Bukkake had asked for your contact details because he wanted to offer his services as a lawyer to you seeing as you had such a useless lawyer at the moment. Please Mrs Abacha if you hear from Mr Bukkake please warn him not to join the church either because he will just end up getting whipped all the time. My back hurts again so I am going to go and lie on my front now for the rest of the day and I am going to save my energy for tonight when I am going to run away. Wish me luck. Thanking you, Beaker From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: See What Barrister Okeke Send Me Sent: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 08:08:33 See What Barrister Okeke Send Me:
From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ME Sent: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 08:20:15 Dear Reverend Murray, Look!!! If there is anything I hate in this world that should be insult. How dare you insult me because I made a business proposal to you, this is a business I gave you in confidence with the believe that you will never let me down in any way. Before I will go on with the application form you sent to me and what you have to do is to send the $2,950 to my family lawyer Barr John Bernard because you and Barrister Okeke have urgent arrangement to run away with my money when the money came into your hand and I see that as a scam and fraud? I am not telling you this to convince you because it is a matter of choice, but I believe that nobody sees this type of opportunity and play with it. So if you are no longer serious to complete this business the way we started it you hands off completely so that I will look for another serious and more purposeful partner because this business is my life and my family hope!!! May the Great Prophet Noel take you out from Barrister Okeke handle because he called you his mugu and maga all he want from you is your money and I see Barrister Okeke as a scam and fraud star. But may the Great Prophet Noel open your eye and get you out from Barrister Okeke hand. Thanks and God bless! Amen!!! Sincerely, Dr Mrs Mariam Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: You must be mistaken Sent: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 09:23:16 Dear Mrs Abacha, I am confused by your emails. When have I insulted you, my dear lady? I have done no such thing as far as I can recollect. And what was that illiterate garbage you sent me? I did not understand a word of it. That cannot have come from that nice Barrister Okeke; he is a very well-spoken fellow. The email you sent to me reads more as if it came from your own lawyer, the pederastic Mr Bernard. I have pressing matters to attend to today - Beaker is nowhere to be found and the church needs cleaning - so I do not have time to deal with your bizarre outpourings. Mr Bernard knows what the situation is. As soon as he complies with my demands, we will be able to make some progress. May the Great Prophet Noel shine His light of truth into your eyes. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: GET BACK TO ME!!! Sent: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 11:00:05 Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks your for positive responses and co-operation in this matter at hand, in fact before I will fill in the application form to join your church you have to take out $50 from the $3,000 and send me the remaining money which is about $2,950 OK. And send it to my personal assistant using the following details below:
Also you should not worry about the application form and about confession signed I will try to do it when the time comes OK but what you have to do now just by sending the money right away and also to enable me finish processing the documents out from the court because every legal documents backing this money will be provided by me. My fear now is the security of this money once the transaction came to your side and I do not know your capability and facilities to handle this big amount of money. I really want to know if you will maintaining these communications with me. Finally you have to be following my instructions which I will be giving you that is the main key to the success of this transaction so I will get back to you as soon as I receive the money from you but I think you have put Barrister Okeke off in this transaction. May the Great Prophet Noel help you to do so. Amen!!! Thanks, Barr John Bernard From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: How many times do I have to tell you this? Sent: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 12:43:27 Dear Mr Bernard, How many times do I have to tell you this? I am not willing to transfer any money at all to you or your personal assistant until you have done what you promised to do, ie:
I repeat, you need to comply with these three demands before I will be willing to send any money to you. This is to show contrition for your pederastic leanings. I am growing tired of this whole business, Mr Bernard. That nice Barrister Okeke is promising a smooth and hitch-free transaction - in stark contrast to the mess you are making of this transaction. Either you comply with my three demands immediately, or I drop this business and move forward with Barrister Okeke. The choice is yours. I must go now: Beaker has not turned up for work today and nobody has seen him. I am going to search around the village to see if I can find him May the Great Prophet Noel knock some sense into you. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: Why have you not yet done what you promised to do? Sent: Sun, 17 Sep 2006 09:05:30 Dear Mr Bernard, I have just found time to send you this quick email before morning service. Why have you not yet done what you promised to do? Where is your signed confession? Where is your completed application form? Where is your $50 donation to my church's ChildLine appeal? I fear that you are probably too busy interfering with small boys to continue with this business. Well shame on you, sir. I am seriously tempted to suggest to Mrs Abacha that we find ourselves a different lawyer. Maybe that nice Mr Okeke will be able to help us conclude this transaction. On a more positive note, I am pleased to be able to tell you that Beaker has turned up safe and well. I was beginning to worry about him, but he arrived back yesterday evening in the back of a police car. Sadly, it appears that he had attempted to run away and leave the church. It appears that he wandered round for a while and then decided to go to the local police station. The police constable - who is a member of the church - tells me that Beaker told him all kinds of stories about cruelty and maltreatment. How terribly sad. I can only think that the poor man must be sick in the head. Well, thankfully the police constable brought Beaker straight back here, into the loving arms of the church, where he can be looked after. There truly is no better place for him. Of course, Beaker had to be punished for running away from the church and abandoning his duties. The Book of Noel is quite clear on that point, and even goes so far as to state precisely what the punishment for such behaviour should be. Therefore, with the help of the police constable, Curate Segg and I took Beaker down to the crypt last night and hung him by a chain from the ceiling by his ankles. I flogged Beaker until his shirt was hanging off his back in bloody ribbons, while Curate Segg beat the soles of his feet with a cane. It was a sad thing to have to do, but it is the only way. Anyway, we will release him from his bonds tomorrow, and then let him out of the crypt next weekend. Hopefully that will have taught him a lesson. May the Great Prophet Noel teach you a lesson Mr Bernard and persuade you to stop fiddling with small boys and complete this transaction. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Barrister Okeke To: Mariam Abacha Subject: THIS GILBERT FOOL HE MINE NOW Sent: Sun, 17 Sep 2006 09:35:52 HEY OLODO YOU LOSE BINGO SCAMBOY THIS GILBERT FOOL HE MINE NOW HE SICK OF YOU HIS MUGU DOLLAR MINE NOW YOU GO BACK TO YOUR MAMA AND LET THE BIG BOYZ TAKE THE BIG DOLLAR YOU BIG FOOL YOU NEVER AMOUNT TO NOTHING YOU DIE POOR IN THE STREET GOATBOY BARR OKEKE From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I suggest we find a different lawyer Sent: Mon, 18 Sep 2006 12:38:35 Dear Mrs Abacha, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news my dear lady, but thanks to your lawyer Mr Bernard, this transaction appears to have ground to a complete halt. Although he promised to join my church, to confess his sins to me and to donate $50 to my church's ChildLine appeal, he has done none of these things. If you don't mind me saying so, dear lady, you have made a very poor choice of lawyer. Mr Bernard has shown himself to be nothing more than an incompetent, lying paedophile. I am sorry, but I can no longer work with such a man. He offends my religious sensibilities on so many levels that I do not know where to begin. However, it would be a shame to let Mr Bernard scupper this entire transaction. I would still like to continue with this business, but I will only do so on the proviso that we use a different lawyer. What do you think, dear lady? Do you know any other lawyers that we could use? If not, I can wholeheartedly recommend my own lawyer, the eminent Welsby... or maybe we could engage the services of that nice Barrister Okeke who I have been telling you about. Please get back to me as soon as you can with your thoughts on the matter... and with your completed application form too. May the Great Prophet Noel protect the young boys of Nigeria by gelding Mr Bernard with a rusty pair of garden shears. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: SIGN OFF Sent: Tue, 19 Sep 2006 07:59:44 Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your understand and before I will fill in the application form you have to send the $2,950 to my family lawyer Barrister John Bernard. If not sign your hand off in this business so that I will look for other person OK. May the Great Prophet Noel help you to sign off. Thank you, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I am transferring my business to Barrister Okeke Sent: Tue, 19 Sep 2006 08:37:26 Dear Mrs Abacha, I was sad to read your last email. Like your pederastic barrister, you are obviously not truly interested in joining my church and in receiving the grace and salvation that can only be provided by the Great Prophet Noel. This saddens me deeply, because I know for a fact that by not joining the Church of Zeal or no Zeal, you and Mr Bernard are condemning yourselves to spending eternity in Hell. As (despite your previous promises to the contrary) you are obviously not willing to join my church - all you seem to care about is me sending that money to your paedophile barrister for some reason - I am afraid that I am going to have to call a halt to proceedings. It is your loss, Mrs Abacha, not mine, for I am positive that the business proposal that has been put forward by that nice Barrister Okeke will prove to be even more profitable for the church than yours was going to be. This really is such a shame. I was so looking forward to meeting you and Mr Bernard in person so that I could administer a good ritual scourging to you both. I was looking forward to seeing the looks on your faces as I whipped your sins out of you. But that is not to be. I must go now: my unusually large organ needs a good polish so I have decided to release Beaker from the crypt earlier than planned so that he can get on with his job. I shall flog him mercilessly again later today to make up for the reduction in his original punishment. I wish you luck in finding a new business partner. May the Great Prophet Noel forgive you and your kiddy-fiddling barrister for turning your backs on the one true church. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister Okeke; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: Let us move forward, my good man Sent: Tue, 19 Sep 2006 08:51:03 Dear Barrister Okeke, I have finally decided to give up on the business proposal that was put to me by Mrs Abacha and to move forward with your own. I must apologise for having taken so long to come to this decision, but I was willing to give Mrs Abacha and her pederastic lawyer one more chance to prove themselves to be honest and trustworthy people. I am sad to report that they have failed to do so. I received your completed application form earlier this morning. Thank you very much. I shall pass it on to the Great Prophet Noel's office later for processing immediately. I look forward to welcoming you into the church when we meet in person. Regarding the $10,000 that you require, please be advised that I will be transferring it to you later today via MoneyGram. I will send you the details of the transfer as soon as it has been made, and trust that you will be able to expedite matters promptly with the High Court as soon as you have received the money. May the Great Prophet Noel bless every hair on your head and every bone in your body. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: IF YOU HELP ME THEN I WILL HELP YOU Sent: Tue, 19 Sep 2006 10:15:39 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. I am very angry with Reverend Murray because he keeps on whipping me every time I do something wrong and it is getting to be unbearable. I ran away the other day like I said I would and I went to the police but the policeman is a member of the church so he did not listen to me and he took me straight back to the church and Reverend Murray hung me upside down in the crypt and he whipped me and Curate Segg beat my feet and they left me hanging there for a whole day and then even when they let me down they locked me in the crypt in the dark without any food or water. I cannot stand this any more. This is a wicked church and Reverend Murray is a wicked man. I need to get far away from here out of the clutches of Reverend Murray and the Great Prophet Noel and I can only do that with your help. I have got a plan. I know that Reverend Murray has stopped contacting you because he told me so and he has started doing business with Mr Bukkake or whatever his name is and he has gone to the post office to transfer some money to Mr Bukkake right now and that is how come I could get away to send you this email. Reverend Murray told me that if you were not willing to join the church then you would just have to find yourself another business partner. My plan is that if you help me then I will help you. I will be your business partner and I will complete this transaction and you can transfer all the money to me instead of Reverend Murray like you were going to. I will be able to do this because although I do not have much money of my own I still have access to the organ restoration fund bank account so I can withdraw as much money as I like from that account. I know that would be stealing and that stealing is wrong but I am past caring and it will serve Reverend Murray right for whipping me so much for no good reason and I want to get my own back on him and the church. So if I take the money out of the organ restoration fund and send it to Mr Bernard then he can do the paperwork and transfer all the money to me and I can use the money to get away from here and start a new life far away from wicked old Reverend Murray and his whip. And that would be helping you out at the same time so that would be good for both of us. What do you think Mrs Abacha? Do you think that would be a good idea? Please let me know and let me know fast because I need to get away from here as soon as I can. I have to go now because Reverend Murray has just come back and I can hear him calling for me because he wants me to polish his organ for him and I do not want to get on the wrong side of him again because I do not want him to whip me again because I can barely stand up as it is. Thanking you, Beaker PS. Please do not tell Reverend Murray about any of this because I am afraid that if he found out he would whip me harder than he has ever whipped me before. This has got to be a secret between you and me and Reverend Murray must not find out. From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: Urgent Sent: Tue, 19 Sep 2006 15:17:52 Dear Beaker, Thanks for your understand and I am very happy to hear that from you so if you can send the $3,000 to my family lawyer Barrister John Bernard and send the money to his personal assistant, please do it as soon as possible by via MoneyGram.
And send the details of the transfer to my lawyer Barrister John Bernard so that the High Court will release the affidavit of facts on behalf of Billy Beaker not Reverend Murray and don't tell anybody or your friends about it OK and I give you a handsome reward of 30% of the total sum of $85 milion. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: TOGETHER WE WILL GET REVENGE ON NASTY OLD REVEREND MURRAY Sent: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 16:10:55 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. I am glad to hear that you want to work with me now and not nasty old Reverend Murray and that is good news and together we will get revenge on him for whipping me all the time which he did again yesterday afternoon and he said he had to do it because he let me out of the crypt early and I had to be punished in some other way and now I am in more pain than ever. I just hope there is enough money left in the organ restoration fund because Curate Segg told me this morning that Reverend Murray had taken $10,000 out of it and transferred it to Mr Bukkake or whatever his name is so I hope there is enough left. I will check at the bank tomorrow and if there enough left I will transfer it to Mr Bernard's assistant Mr Chidi Francis. Are you sure that you want me to use MoneyGram because last time I sent Mr Chidi Francis money that way he was useless at picking it up and that got me into trouble with Reverend Murray and I do not want to have to go through all that again. Please let me know. I must go now because I have to clean the vestry but I will check my email again tomorrow and see if you have replied. We are partners now and that makes me very happy. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister Okeke To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I GET THE MAGA DOLLAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Sent: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 18:32:38 HEY OLODO I GOT THE MAGA DOLLAR FROM THIS GILBERT FOOL HE SEND IT TO ME AND I WIN BIG TIME 10 BIG ONES I GET FROM HIM HIS HEAD SO FULL OF GOD NO ROOM LEFT FOR BRAINS NO ROOM FOR BRIAN IN YO HEAD TOO MUMU MAHU GO CRY TO MAMA COZ YOU LOOSE AND I MAKE BIG TIME BETTER GO SWEEP THE STREET COZ YOU NO GOOD AAT THE BIG GAME FOOL BARR OKEKE From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: DO IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN Sent: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 22:58:16 Dear Beaker, Thanks for replying and I very happy to hear that from you, but I sorry to hear that Reverend Murray he whip you again. Sorry for that my dear friend and he send $10,000 to Barrister Okeke. If there is any money in that account what you have to do, go to the town and send it to my family lawyer's assistant Mr Chidi Francis. Because Reverend Murray used MoneyGram to send $10,000 to Barrister Okeke or you have to go to the town and use Western Union OK.
If there is still enough money left in the organ restoration fund, so send it to my lawyer so that he will get visa for you to come down to Nigeria. I hope to hear from you again. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Urgent Sent: Thu, 21 Sep 2006 06:59:08 Dear Reverend Murray, I hope you will understand me because Barrister Okeke is a full of scam and fraud and you just enter your money in the hand of a 419 but if the Great Prophet Noel is a God, he could open your eyes to see what Barrister Okeke is all about? I want to join your church but understand you any more why? Because I gave you this business with confidence and believe that you will never let me down as a man of God. Of course you just let me down by following a scam called Barrister Okeke. Because you just made he a rich man by sending him sum of $10,000, about one million three hundred and seventy thousand Naira (N1,370,000). May the Great Prophet Noel stop you move forward with scam person Barrister Okeke Amen. Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: Re: Urgent Sent: Thu, 21 Sep 2006 13:45:34 Dear Mrs Abacha, I am surprised to have heard from you again. I must say, I do wish you would stop besmirching the reputation of that nice Barrister Okeke. He is a fine man - quite unlike your own barrister, Mr Bernard - and unlike Mr Bernard, I am quite sure that he would never consider doing anything inappropriate with small boys. I am happy to report that my business with Barrister Okeke is proceeding nicely. Please bear in mind that if you and Mr Bernard had joined my church as you promised, I would be doing business with you right now, not Barrister Okeke. This is your loss, Mrs Abacha. You have brought this upon yourself. I have to say, I did not understand some of what you said in your email at all. What is a "419"? And what is a "Naira"? Is that a breed of goat or something? May the Great Prophet Noel persuade you to stop rubbishing the reputation of one of Nigeria's finest barristers. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Urgent Sent: Thu, 21 Sep 2006 20:08:24 Dear Reverend Murray, Thank you for your mail and I have just fill in the application form and I will send you a copy of it. About 419 the simple meaning when you send money to person and you don't get the business back with the own money that is meaning OK. About the Naira is our currency we use in Nigeria OK. May the Great Prophet Noel make you understand what Barrister Okeke is all about OK. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I look forward to receiving your completed application form Sent: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 08:47:01 Dear Mrs Abacha, Rejoice! Praise be to the Great Prophet Noel, for you have seen the light and will be joining the one true church! Your soul will be saved! Noelelujah! Please get the completed form back to me as soon as you can: there is no time to waste where the saving of souls is concerned. Tell me, will your pederastic barrister be completing a form and joining the church too? I do hope so: if ever I have come across a soul that needed saving, it is his. I am afraid that I have some rather unfortunate news about Beaker. He acted disgracefully on Wednesday evening during vespers. I was in the middle of a reading when he sneezed all over the Book of Noel. Despoiling the Book of Noel is a grave sin, and one that demands serious punishment. Therefore as soon as the service was over I strapped him to the altar once more and flogged him to within an inch of his life, then locked him in the crypt. He has been there since Wednesday evening and I shall not be letting him out until after the weekend. If I am feeling generous, I shall be providing him with some bread and water later today. But he really does not deserve it. Unfortunately, there appears to have been a slight hitch in my business with that nice Barrister Okeke. Apparently some additional court fees have come to light, and they require paying before we can move the business forward. Barrister Okeke is currently negotiating the fees with the court officials, but it is looking as if I am going to have to pay an addition $6,000 in order to complete the business. It is unfortunate, but the rewards at the end will make it all worthwhile. I look forward to receiving your completed application form by return. May the Great Prophet Noel bless the pen you have used to fill in the form. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. Tell me, have you managed to find yourself a new business partner yet? If you and your barrister are now willing to join the church - and if Mr Bernard is now willing to confess his sins and donate $50 towards my church's ChildLine appeal - then maybe we can move forward after all. Do let me know your thoughts on this. From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I have completed the application form Sent: Sun, 24 Sep 2006 08:57:48 Dear Reverend Murray, Thanks for your mail and I am very happy to hear that from you OK. I have attached application form to this email. Below is the copy of it but you are still my business partner and I hope my lawyer will join your church as a member so that we can complete this business. Please sir, try your best to send the $2,950 to my family lawyer Barrister John Bernard by Monday. May the Great Prophet Noel will make you to understand me because you are the only hope my family have. Thanks, Mrs Abacha  From: Barrister John Bernard To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Urgent!!! Sent: Sun, 24 Sep, 2006 10:02:59 Dear Reverend Murray, I have managed to complete the church application form. I am now a full member of the Great Prophet Noel Amen!!!! So try to send the $2,950 to my personal assistant and I have donated $50 to your ChildLine appeal well take the $50 out from the $3,000 and send the remain to me so that the security company will now deliver the $85 million in cash to your doorstep. And no additional fees after payment of $3,000 to the court OK so send the money though MoneyGram and below is the info to be used.
Am hoping to hear from you as soon as you can. Thanks, Barr John Bernard  From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha; Barrister John Bernard Subject: Thank the Great Prophet Noel that you have seen the light Sent: Sun, 24 Sep 2006 15:51:33 Dear Mrs Abacha/Mr Bernard, Thank you both from the bottom of my heart for your completed application forms. I shall forward them on to the Great Prophet Noel's office first thing in the morning for processing. If they have any queries regarding the forms, I shall get back to you. Thank the Great Prophet Noel that you have seen the light. You will be able to go to bed tonight and sleep safe in the knowledge that your souls are well on the way towards being saved. And the Great Prophet Noel alone knows just how badly they need saving. Unfortunately, before we can continue with this transaction, there are a couple of outstanding matters that need to be resolved. Firstly, there is the matter of the signed confession that I need from Mr Bernard. Given the pederastic sins he has committed, there is no way I can continue until I have received this. If you remember, Mr Bernard, I instructed you to write the following confession out by hand onto a piece of paper, sign and date it, then scan it in and send me a copy:
Secondly, there is the matter of the $50 donation towards my church's ChildLine appeal that I need from Mr Bernard. I am afraid that it is simply not good enough for him to ask me to deduct $50 from the money that I am due to send to him; to show true contrition before the Great Prophet Noel, he must send the $50 to the appeal treasurer himself, via either MoneyGram or Western Union, using the following details:
I repeat, I am only willing to continue with this transaction if Mr Bernard shows true contrition. In order to do this, he must send me his signed confession and transfer $50 to my church's appeal. The sooner he does this, the sooner we will be able to move forward. I have just received another email from that nice Barrister Okeke. Unfortunately it sounds as if he is not having much luck in trying to negotiate a lower fee with the court officials. I only hope that there is enough money left in the organ restoration fund to continue business with you after I have sent Barrister Okeke all the money he needs to move his business forward. The sooner that Mr Bernard does the right thing the better if you ask me. I must go: Beaker's cries and wails of anguish from the crypt are becoming quite unbearable. I am going to go and warn him that if he does not quieten down I shall have to whip him again. May the Great Prophet Noel grant a permanent shine to your broken, dusty shoes. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. When I printed out your application forms, I was struck by how similar your handwriting is. Did the two of you go to the same school, or does everyone in Nigeria have such similar handwriting? From: Barrister Okeke To: Mariam Abacha Subject: GET YOU HAND OFF THIS GILBERT OR I KILL YOU Sent: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 12:04:16 HEY OLODO THIS GILBERT FOOL HE MINE NOW I GET 10 BIG ONES OFF HIM AN NOW I READY TO MILK HIM FOR MORE I JUST BUY ME BIG MERCEDES BENZ NOW I GET HIM TO SEND ME MORE DOLLARS I GO TO MILK HIS FULKING CHURCH DRY THIS MUGU HE MY MARK NOW SO GET YOU HAND OFF THIS GILBERT OR I KILL YOU COZ HIS MONEY MINE NOW YOU DONT MAIL HIM NO MORE OR I USE BLACK MAGIC AND I FIND YOU AN I COME AND I BLOW YOU BRAINS OUT THE BACK OF YOU HEAD I WARN YOU BIG TIME YOU BACK OFF OR I KILL YOU BIG TIME BARR OKEKE From: Mariam Abacha To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Send the money to lawyer Sent: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 07:50:07 Dear Reverend Murray, Please take $50 out from the $3,000 and send the remain one to him today. Am still waiting to hear from you again. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha Subject: When Mr Bernard fulfills his obligations, we can move forward Sent: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 12:10:27 Dear Mrs Abacha, As I have already stated on numerous occasions, we will not be in a position to move forward with this business until Mr Bernard has fulfilled his obligations. As both you and he are well aware, this means that he must send me his signed confession and that he must donate $50 to my church's ChildLine appeal. To be frank, my dear lady, I am growing weary of having to explain this to you over and over again. May the Great Prophet Noel give me strength. This has all been caused by your barrister's disgusting pederastic behaviour. I am simply not willing to do business with the man until he has shown true contrition by carrying out the two above obligations. Time is running out, Mrs Abacha. The sooner Mr Bernard takes action, the sooner we will be able to move forward. I will not be sending any money to him or his personal assistant until he has satisfied my demands. The ball is in your court. Regarding your application forms, I forwarded them on to the Great Prophet Noel's office yesterday. I will get back to you as soon as I have any news. I am sad to have to report that I was unable to release Beaker from the crypt yesterday as I had planned to. I am beginning to think that the man must be deranged: he attacked me when I went into the crypt yesterday with some bread and water. As a punishment I have decided to keep him locked away down there until the end of the week, without any food or water. He will have to be sustained and nourished by the love of the Great Prophet Noel alone. I am hoping that will teach him the error of his ways. I will be visiting the crypt again later today - with Curate Segg as my backup - to administer another good flogging to Beaker. That should help him on his way to redemption. These problems I am experiencing with Mr Bernard are becoming extremely tiresome. I have to say, I am not having any of these problems with that nice Barrister Okeke. I suggest that you have a word with your lawyer and make him see sense. I will be waiting to hear from you. May the Great Prophet Noel make you see that the only way forward is for Mr Bernard to show true contrition and act upon my demands. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Barrister John Bernard Subject: What are you waiting for? Send me your confession and your donation immediately Sent: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 17:08:39 Dear Mr Bernard, What are you waiting for? Your slothful inaction is delaying this transaction interminably. My business with that nice Barrister Okeke is unfortunately turning out to be more expensive than I initially thought it would be: we have come up against a number of unfortunate setbacks, and each one has required a bit more money to resolve. If I do not receive your signed confession and the $50 charity donation from you in the very near future, I am afraid that there will not be enough money left in the organ restoration fund to continue with this business at all; I will have sent it all to that nice Barrister Okeke. If you really want to continue with this business, send me your signed confession and the $50 donation immediately, while there is still some money left in the organ restoration fund. The future of this transaction lies in your kiddy-fiddling hands, Mr Bernard. Do not let Mrs Abacha and myself down now, at the final hurdle. May the Great Prophet Noel place a holy rocket up your backside in order to spur you on to action. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Mariam Abacha; Barrister John Bernard Subject: There are some problems with your completed application forms Sent: Thu, 28 Sep 2006 08:32:11 Dear Mrs Abacha/Mr Bernard, I have just heard back from the Great Prophet Noel's office regarding the application forms that you sent to me. Unfortunately there appears to be a problem with both forms, and the Great Prophet Noel's clerical assistant, Mr Craven, requires clarification before the forms can be processed. The problem is all down to what you have entered against the "Total value of savings and other investments" question. Apparently what is required here is a specific monetary amount. What the two of you have written here ("Abacha Real Estates" and "House management") is not what is required at all. In fact, as Mr Craven pointed out to me, it doesn't even make any sense. Mr Craven expressed surprise that you had both misunderstood such a simple question. Given that, and the barely-legible childlike scrawl you both used when completing the forms, he wondered whether you had both been dropped on the head when you were children. In order for your forms to be processed promptly, please get back to me with proper answers to the question by return. I will then pass the information on to Mr Craven, and we will be able to move forward. Regarding our transaction, I note to my dismay that Mr Bernard has still not sent me a signed confession and that he has still not donated $50 to my church's ChildLine appeal. I can only assume that he is too busy abusing small boys to spent time on this business. What is your problem, Mr Bernard? Do you actually want to go to Hell? Because that is precisely where you are currently heading, my good man. Not only are you letting Mrs Abacha, myself and the Great Prophet Noel down, you are letting yourself down. I am going to be away next week: I shall be attending the Church of Zeal or no Zeal's annual convention. Therefore, if you still want to proceed with this transaction I suggest that you do so before the end of tomorrow. I am sad to have to report that Beaker is still misbehaving dreadfully. The man appears to be raving now, and he has been shouting all kinds of unNoelly threats at the top of his voice from the crypt. Things got so bad during choir practice last night that his shouting nearly drowned out the singing of the choir. I had no alternative but to call a temporary halt to choir practice, during which I went down to the crypt and bound and gagged him to shut him up. Naturally, as soon as choir practice was over I returned to the crypt and whipped him soundly. Given Beaker's current reprehensible behaviour, I fear that I will have no choice but to leave him locked in the crypt while I am away next week. I shall instruct Curate Segg to provide him with a modicum of bread and water each day. I pray to the Great Prophet Noel that the enforced isolation will encourage him to reflect on his behaviour and bring him to his senses. May the Great Prophet Noel whip some sense into Mr Bernard, for the sake of this transaction. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard Subject: HELP ME GET MY OWN BACK ON NASTY OLD REVEREND MURRAY Sent: Mon, 09 Oct 2006 08:53:44 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. Nasty old Reverend Murray has kept me locked in the crypt of the church for over two weeks and all because I sneezed and blew bogies all over the Book of Noel and he has only just let me out and it is not fair. Before I got locked in the crypt you said that you would help me get my own back on nasty old Reverend Murray by giving all that money to me instead of Reverend Murray and that all I had to do was to transfer $3,000 to your lawyer Mr Bernard. Can we still do that? Because after all the bad things that Reverend Murray has done to me since I started work at the church I want to get my own back on him now more than ever. I still have access to the organ restoration fund bank account so if it is not too late I want to carry on with this transaction with you so that I will have enough money to get away from nasty old Reverend Murray and this stupid evil church and I will go far away where the Great Prophet Noel and his men will never find me. I heard Reverend Murray talking to Curate Segg about you a bit earlier and he was saying some very nasty things about you and Mr Bernard. But I do not agree with what he was saying about you. I do not think that you are stupid or a liar. I also heard him talking about that Mr Bukkake and it sounded like things were not going very well there because Reverend Murray was telling Curate Segg that he was having to send even more money to Mr Bukkake and he was not happy about it. Anyway I hope it is not too late Mrs Abacha. Please tell me that it is not. If it is not too late please tell me what I need to do. You are my only hope. Please get back to me as quickly as you can. Thanking you, Beaker From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: I WILL HELP YOU Sent: Mon, 09 Oct 2006 13:40:48 Dear Beaker, I am very sorry for what he did to you and it is not too late for you to send the money. Yes, I want to carry on the transaction with you not the old Reverend Murray so what you have to do just send the $3,000 to my family lawyer assistant and send it today because the security company them will come to your country with $85 million in cash. Please use this information to send the money by MoneyGram. See it below this message OK.
I look forward to a favourable response from you. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: I WILL GO TO THE BANK TOMORROW Sent: Mon, 09 Oct 2006 16:25:49 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. I am very happy to hear that it is not too late for us to carry on with this transaction. I was worried that it might be too late what with all the time I spent locked up in the crypt. Reverend Murray is a very wicked man. It was bad enough him locking me in the crypt and whipping me when all I did was sneeze on the Book of Noel but for some of the time he kept me tied up and gagged so that I could not make a sound. And there is no heating in the crypt and Curate Segg did not bring me bread and water every day so I was cold and hungry and thirsty. I think Reverend Murray is an evil man. He used to be OK until he joined this weird church and I think joining the church has made him go funny in the head. In fact lots of people in the village seem to have gone funny in the head since they joined the church. It is like they are being brainwashed or something. Anyway with your help I will be able to get out of here and I will be able to get my own back on nasty old Reverend Murray. You would not treat a dog the way he has treated me. I am being on my best behaviour right now so that I do not make Reverend Murray angry because then he might whip me and lock me in the crypt again and then I would not be able to do this transaction with you. So I am keeping my head down and doing my job the best I can and I am trying to keep out of his way. Please Mrs Abacha you must promise me that you will not breathe a word of this to Reverend Murray because if he found out what we were doing he would be very angry indeed and I shudder to think what he might do to me. Please promise me that you will not tell Reverend Murray anything about this. Mind you given the way that Reverend Murray was speaking about you and Mr Bernard earlier it does not sound as if you and Reverend Murray are on speaking terms any more. He called you and Mr Bernard some very nasty names when he was talking to Curate Segg. I did not even understand some of the words he used. And he sounded like he was questioning your parentage too which I thought was very rude of him. I am sure that your mother never did anything untoward with a goat. And even if she had done I do not see how Reverend Murray could have got to know about it because it is not the sort of thing that you would want to talk about if it was your mother. Anyway I will slip out of the church and go to the bank tomorrow morning and I will take the money out of the organ restoration fund and I will transfer it to Mr Bernard's assistant Mr Chidi Francis. Do you know how long it will take for the security company to get the $85 million to me once I have done this? I hope it does not take long because if Reverend Murray finds out that I have taken money out of the account he will be very very angry with me so it would be good if the security company could get the money to me as quickly as possible. Do you know how the security company will be getting the money to me? You said that they would come over to this country with it. Because it is such a lot of money will they be bringing it in an armoured van or anything like that? I hope they do because then maybe they could give me a lift in their armoured van and they could take me far away from here and out of the clutches of Reverend Murray and this evil church. I will send you another email as soon as I come back from the bank. Thanking you, Beaker From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: Thanks Sent: Tue, 10 Oct 2006 09:24:19 Dear Beaker, Thanks for your mail and may God be with you Amen. I will not tell Reverend Murray anything about my transaction with you OK. Once you send the money to my lawyer's assistant then the security company will come with the money and them will take you out far away when Reverend Murray will not see you again so forward me the MoneyGram information. I hope you send the money today without any disappointment from your side. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: THERE IS NOT ENOUGH MONEY IN THE BANK Sent: Tue, 10 Oct 2006 12:05:03 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. I went to the bank this morning like I said I would to withdraw the $3,000 so that I could send it to Mr Bernard's assistant Mr Chidi Francis but when I checked the balance of the bank account I found that there is not enough money in there. There used to be lots and lots of money in the bank account but now there is only a little under $2,000 in it. I asked for a statement and it looks as if Reverend Murray has been withdrawing lots of money over the past few weeks. I think he has been withdrawing the money to send to Mr Bukkake or whatever his name is because he was talking to Curate Segg about that yesterday and it sounded like he had to send Mr Bukkake a lot more money than he thought he would and he was not happy about it. Reverend Murray will get into lots of trouble if anyone finds out that all of the money that has been raised to restore his organ has disappeared and I think that is a good thing because it will serve him right for treating me so badly. But that means that I cannot send Mr Bernard $3,000 because there is not enough money in the bank account. I will only be able to send him just under $2,000. Do you think that would be OK? Tell Mr Bernard that I promise to pay him the rest of the money as soon as I get the $85 million. Do you think he will agree to that? I hope so because if he does not there is no way I will be able to carry on with this business. I have to go now. Reverend Murray has told me to clean and polish the church organ because he said he is expecting a visit this afternoon from a photographer from a magazine called Enormous Organs. Reverend Murray told me that the photographer had heard about how big Reverend Murray's organ is and he wants to take some pictures of it for the magazine. I will clean the organ very carefully so that Reverend Murray does not get cross with me. Please Mrs Abacha get back to me as soon as you can and let me know what Mr Bernard says about the money. I hope he will be OK with that. Thanking you, Beaker From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: Send all the money you can Sent: Wed, 11 Oct 2006 11:52:33 Dear Beaker, Thanks for your mail and may God be with you. Send all the money you can to my lawyer's assistant then the security company will come with the money and that will be OK so forward me the MoneyGram information. Send the money today. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard Subject: I HAVE TRANSFERRED ALL THE MONEY I CAN TO MR CHIDI FRANCIS Sent: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 08:56:19 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. I have taken all of the money out of the organ restoration fund bank account and I have been to the MoneyGram office and I have transferred it to Mr Bernard's assistant Mr Chidi Francis. I have attached a copy of the MoneyGram receipt to this email and that has all the information that Mr Chidi Francis needs to collect the money. I hope Mr Chidi Francis manages to collect the money without screwing up this time because he was rubbish at collecting it last time and I do not want there to be any delays. Reverend Murray is in a very bad mood today and he was yesterday too because apparently the photographer who came to take pictures of his organ was expecting something totally different and Reverend Murray said that he must have got his wires crossed and that there was no way he was going to agree to appear in a magazine like that and he chased the man out of the church with his whip. Because he is in such a bad mood I am staying out of his way as much as I can because I do not want to make him even more angry than he already is. Please send Mr Chidi Francis to collect the money as soon as he can because I want to get out of here as soon as possible and start my new life away from nasty old Reverend Murray and this wicked church. Please get back to me as soon as Mr Chidi Francis has collected the money and let me know when the security company is going to be arriving here with the money. Thanking you, Beaker  From: Mariam Abacha To: Beaker Subject: GET BACK TO ME Sent: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 10:15:17 Dear Beaker, Thanks for your understand and I think you have to list the information you used to send the money because the attach copy of the MoneyGram receipt is not clear so do what I just told you. Thanks, Mrs Abacha From: Beaker To: Mariam Abacha Subject: HERE IS THE INFORMATION Sent: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 10:46:04 Hello Mrs Abacha, It is me Beaker again. I can see the information on the MoneyGram receipt perfectly well so I do not know why you cannot read it. Do you wear glasses? If you do maybe you should put them on. And if that does not help then perhaps you need to go to an optician and get your eyes checked out. Anyway here is the information that Mr Chidi Francis will need to collect the money. I transferred $1,930 which was all the money that was left in the organ restoration fund to Mr Chidi Francis and the MoneyGram reference number is 69541928 and the test question is Reverend Murray is what? and the answer is a nasty evil bastard. Please ask Mr Bernard to send his personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis to collect the money straight away because I just overheard Reverend Murray talking to Curate Segg about needing to send more money to Mr Bukkake or whatever his name is and if he goes to the bank and finds out that I have emptied the organ restoration fund bank account he will be very very angry with me and I do not want that so send Mr Chidi Francis to get the money now please Mrs Abacha. If Mr Chidi Francis collects the money today when do you think the security company will be able to get here with the $85 million? I hope it will not take them long because I need to get out of here as soon as possible. Thanking you, Beaker From: Barrister John Bernard To: Beaker Subject: Fuck You Sent: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 23:04:50 Look Beaker what is it again and go back to post office and just collect your money back. I do not need it OK because you and your Reverend Murray have a big problem. Fuck you. From: Beaker To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha Subject: YOU ARE A VERY RUDE MAN AND A RUBBISH LAWYER Sent: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 08:53:02 Hello Mr Bernard, Why are you being so rude to me? You are a very rude man and a rubbish lawyer. I do not know why Mrs Abacha puts up with you because you cannot do anything right. Has your personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis messed up collecting the money again? I think your personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis must be a complete idiot if he cannot do something as simple as go to a MoneyGram office and pick up some money. Maybe you ought to get yourself a new personal assistant. One with an IQ that is bigger than his shoe size. You and your personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis have messed up this whole transaction. Maybe nasty old Reverend Murray was right about you after all. Maybe you are a complete moron with a brain the size of a very small pea. Now that you have let me down and been so rude to me and been so completely useless I am just going to have to run away without your help. I am going to cancel the MoneyGram transaction and get the money back from the post office and use it to buy a bus ticket and go far away from here. I am going to go somewhere very far away where nasty old Reverend Murray will not be able to find me. Nasty old Reverend Murray may not be able to whip me any more but after the mess you have made of this whole thing I wish he could give you a good whipping. It would serve you right for being such a rude brainless clot. Thanking you for nothing, Beaker Copyright 2003-2026 www.gilbertmurray.co.uk. All rights reserved. Copyright notice |
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