In which Gilbert Murray MP responds to a plea for help from the nephew of the notorious war criminal, Charles Taylor, the ex-President of Liberia. All in all, not the nicest of people to go into business with; still, when you're being blackmailed by a journalist, you can't afford to be too picky about your business partners.

New - Gilbert Murray has recently regained his Gypping in the Marsh parliamentary seat and has started writing a regular Westminster blog. Click here to read it.

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray MP - Member of Parliament for Gypping in the Marsh.
Lucky Taylor - allegedly the nephew of the disgraced ex-President of Liberia, Charles Taylor.

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Good day

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 08:33:32 -0800 (PST)

I have a new email address! You can now email me at luckytaylor3@yahoo.com.

Dear friend,

First I must solicit your strictest confidence in this transaction and I pray that my decision to contact you will be given genuine approval considering the facts you and I just meet in the net but with your attention you sound so good to me, I wish to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you. I am Mr Lucky Charles Taylor. I am a Liberian by birth living in Calabar, Nigeria, Africa. I am a relative of the deposed president of Liberia, Charles Taylor.

During the tenure of my uncle Mr Charles Taylor in office, I helped him to forerun all his business in and outside Liberia.

During this period I made quite some reasonable amount of money from the sales of real diamonds, up to the amount of 25 million US dollars, which is presently in a security warehouse (security vault company).

I have deposited this money in a consignment with the security safekeeping company, as computer accessories. The reasons why I did it that way was that I could not bank this money in my country or anywhere in Africa, due to the kind of family I came from, and also to protect the image of my uncle Mr Charles Taylor, as at then.

I am presently on asylum with my uncle in Calabar, Nigeria. I am planning to invest this money in the Europe, so as to enable me to move over the Europe with my wife and children.

Please I need your assistance to help me receive this money on your behalf and bank it in your account.

Presently I cannot leave Nigeria to do something contrary to the asylum agreement which was signed with the Nigeria government, unless I receive an invitation letter from somebody, inviting me to come down to his or her country presently been kept in a branch of the self keeping warehouse.

Please, if I receive your positive response to my proposal, I shall give you all the contacts of the safekeeping company in Ghana. The package could be arranged to move down to the Europe by this same company, through their diplomat debt.

I will give to you 20% of the total sum of 25 million dollars, for your friendly and personal assistance towards this issue. Moreover, 5% of the total sum will be earmarked for any expenses that may arise during the course of moving the funds to the Europe.

I intend to use part of the money to buy a residential apartment where I will stay with my family through your help and also invest in your field of specialisation. I guess it should be a lucrative business too.

Also note that this proposal is 100% risk free, I have proofs to back up this fund. But because of the problem my family is facing with my government, I cannot invest with my name in Africa. That is why I need a trustworthy foreign assistance.

I am sick and tired of living under the umbrella of Nigeria government, as an asylum. Need a better life for my family and me. I only need your assistance to help me come out of this kind of asylum bondage.

If I ever try utilising this money in my name in Africa, the funds might risk the chance of being confiscated by government. So please I want you to understand with me properly.

I wait to hear from you soonest.

Your reply should be to my private email: luckytaylor@email.si.

Best regards,

Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Regarding your business proposal

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 08:50:17

Dear Mr Taylor,

I have just read the astonishing email you sent to me the other day. I'm not sure where you got my private email address from or what on earth prompted you to write to me on this matter, but I'm rather glad that you did so: as it happens I'm in need of a bit of money at the moment - for reasons I shan't go into at the present time - and what you are proposing sounds rather lucrative. As Member of Parliament for Gypping in the Marsh, I may be able to use my contacts to help you out.

What a coincidence that the day after you sent me that email, I heard it reported on the news that your uncle had been detained by the authorities while trying to escape from Nigeria and was being flown back to Liberia to face a war crimes tribunal. He obviously wasn't as "lucky" as you appear to be. I do hope that these developments haven't affected you at all and that the proposal you put to me the other day still stands.

Please get back to me as soon as you can with further details. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Sat, 01 Apr 2006 00:35:08 -0800 (PST)

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

Thank you for accepting to rescue me on this matter. Yes I am a lucky child of God, because if not for God intervention which makes me to travel out of Nigeria to Ghana because of this my money I could have been in the entourage of my uncle when he was arrested some days ago. By now it could have been a different story.

Right know I am on hiding I just have to stay in hotel without going out, luckily to me people don't know me much by face. Please the only hope left for me is this money I keep with Global Storage Company in Ghana. I urgent need your help to come to Ghana help me and get this money out of Ghana.

I cannot take it to bank because of my name it will risk the money. I think my most important need is to take part of this money and change my identity with your help.

As I need your help urgently I will not waste time in sending you my international passport as I will also like to have yours to enable me know you. By the time you reply this email, I will send you all the documents I signed with the company when I deposited the money with them.

I urgently need your reply. Send your private number where I can call you.

My private mobile phone number is +233 2090 38830. Call me so that we can talk.

Yours truly,

Mr Luck

Lucky Taylor's passport
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Thank heavens that you managed to evade capture

Sent: Mon, 03 Apr 2006 13:52:18

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for your email. Thank heavens that you managed to avoid getting caught up in the arrest of your uncle last week. I was worried about you. As I told you in my last email, I'm in need of a bit of money at the moment and I was worried that if you had been captured alongside your uncle, the proposal you put to me last week would have been jeopardised.

You say that you have managed to escape from Nigeria to Ghana... the same country as the one in which you deposited the $25 million. Good show. I do hope that you will be safe there for the time being before we can make arrangements to move you on to a more secure location.

Thank you for sending on a copy of your passport. Computers aren't really my thing, but I asked my PA, Janet Alia, to scan in a copy of my passport this lunchtime. She has just shown me how to attach it to this email, so fingers crossed it will get to you without any problems. Please let me know as soon as you have received it so that I can be sure that it went through OK.

I must go now: I am due to give evidence before the Select Committee on Party Funding. I am expecting it to take up much of my afternoon. Do get back to me as soon as you can with information on what our next step should be. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Did you receive my passport yesterday?

Sent: Tue, 04 Apr 2006 15:38:27

Dear Mr Taylor,

I am surprised not to have heard back from you in response to the email I sent to you yesterday. Did the scanned image of my passport get to you without any problems?

Given your current situation and what has happened to your uncle, I would have thought that you would be treating this business with a touch more urgency. I am extremely keen to move forward without delay. Please get back to me by return so that we can make some progress.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Did you receive my passport yesterday?

Sent: Tue, 04 Apr 2006 07:55:14 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thank you for your email and your passport which I received very clearly, actually I have to escape come to Ghana to be close where I deposited my money, so that if I can get any trusted person like if we are able to conclude I will immediately go with you to the Global Storage Company and request for the claim of the money.

I think we should be working towards claiming this money, I will advise you try to get about three days work leave that will enable you to visit Ghana as soon as possible now.

Attached are the documents I signed when I deposited the money with the company which we will present on claiming the money.

I had think you will call me as I have given you my number, I think it is good we talk on phone, I requested for your contact phone number so that I can call you if you fail to call.

Thank you as I expect your reply.

Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I would rather conduct this business by email

Sent: Tue, 04 Apr 2006 16:12:30

Dear Mr Taylor,

What a relief to hear back from you. I was beginning to worry that you had been caught by the authorities like your uncle and bundled off to Sierra Leone in the back of a van. Thank heavens you are still at large.

Actually, I heard some of my colleagues discussing your uncle over lunch today. From what they were saying, it sounds as if he was a nasty piece of work. They were saying that the forces he backed were renowned for hacking off peoples' limbs, raping people... and worse. They do say that all's fair in love and war, but there's no way I can condone actions like that.

I take it you weren't involved in any of this unpleasantness, Mr Taylor? I've got my reputation to think about, and I can't go getting myself involved with a war criminal; my relations with the press are strained enough already without the bad publicity that would result if news of our relationship ever got out.

Thinking back, I'm sure I hold a directorship in a defence company that used to sell arms to Liberia when your uncle was in power. Mind you, I'm sure we used to sell arms to the other side too. We always thought that selling arms to both sides was the fairest way to go about it, and it did a marvellous job of assuaging any guilty consciences. That's the great thing about the arms trade: you just can't lose. Well, not unless you're a civilian who gets caught up in it all and ends up with your hands hacked off, your wife gang-raped and your children conscripted into a rebel army at the age of eight.

Anyway, you said in your last email that you had attached some documents, but nothing was attached to the email. Please send the documents to me immediately so that I can take a look at them.

You asked for my phone number. There's a bit of a problem there. As you know, I'm an MP, and given the tightened security around the Houses of Parliament at the moment, I know for a fact that all MPs' phones are tapped - bugged - as a matter of routine by the security services. Obviously, given the rather delicate nature of this business, there's no way I want news of this getting out to anyone. With that in mind, I think it'd be safer all round if we conducted this business via email rather than using the phone. That way there's no way the security services will be able to track our discussions.

I trust this will be satisfactory. Now then, get back to me with those documents by return and I'll give them a read through at my club tonight.

I must go: the division bell's just gone so I've got to run off to the House to vote. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I would rather conduct this business by email

Sent: Tue, 04 Apr 2006 16:32:24 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your prompt reply to my mail; I am reattaching the document. I believe you will get it this time. Talking about my uncle you know when a person is in power many thing may be happening which he will not know, but because it is his government does it people believes he did it.

I understand what you mean about security required in this matter, we will continue through email.

As for me nobody is looking for me. I am innocent man just because of my name nobody know me by face what I have to do is to change my identity immediately we get this money out I can move to any country and stay.

Please I expect you to contact a travel agent to arrange your possible trip to Ghana. Let me know as we progress.

Regards,

Mr Lucky Taylor

A contract from the security company
(Click to enlarge)

A certificate of deposit
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: When do you want me to travel to Ghana?

Sent: Wed, 05 Apr 2006 11:13:07

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for sending me those documents. I printed them off when I got back to my office after leaving the House last night and took them down to my club, where I perused them over a gin and tonic or three. They seem to be fairly self-explanatory. Everything certainly seemed to be in order from what I could see.

I was pleased to read in your email that you had nothing to do with the atrocities that your uncle appears to have carried out. He does sound like a bit of a monster. Mind you, they always say that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. There's always someone who brings shame on a family. In my case it's great-aunt Beryl. One sniff of a barmaid's apron and she's up on the table singing bawdy songs that'd make a sailor blush. It's terribly embarrassing.

Anyway, back to business. You reckon I'll have to travel down to Ghana, do you? Well that shouldn't be too much of a problem. I should be able to work the trip into my expenses somehow and claim back the cost of the flight. I'll say I'm travelling down to Ghana on a fact-finding mission or something. They never check that kind of thing. Why only last year I managed to claim back a two week holiday to Barbados with my PA on expenses. Said it was a fact-finding mission to look into rum production on the island on behalf of the British Distillers' Association. Nobody batted an eyelid.

So, when do you want me to travel to Ghana, and how long do you think I'll need to spend over there? Let me know and I'll get Janet Alia to check through my diary and see when I've got a window.

How are things with you, Mr Taylor? Are you still safe and secure in that hotel you're currently holed up in? Please be careful, my dear fellow: the last thing we want is for you to get caught before we get a chance to complete this transaction.

Get back to me as soon as you can. I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Urgent

Sent: Wed, 05 Apr 2006 08:01:57 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

I received your mail, with your encouraging advice. How is your family? God knows my problem and connected me with somebody like you with experience and in authorities. I know what my problem is, I know the importance of been extremely carefully especially in handling this matter.

Sir, I am safe here. I do not have any reason to patrol about. I am confined here in my hotel room busy with internet and my television.

I know that you will have some expenses to make in order to claim this fund like your hotel bill and round trip airfare to Ghana. Your government will ask you to pay tax on the money when you deposited it into your account. That is why I have mapped out 5% of this money for expenses. Money you spend in the course of claiming the fund, you will first take it immediately you arrive in Ghana. We go to the company with those documents I signed with the company and sign out the money, we will open the box and take out all your expenses and some money which I will need to change my identity to enable me to travel back with you.

From the day you arrive in Ghana, we will only spend three days to complete the transaction and go back with the money. If you can get three days work leave it will be enough to complete this transaction. I will have no choice for the day of your coming; I will wait for any date your work will permit you, just keep updating me on your arrangement and as soon as you have your travelling schedule let me have it so that I can inform the company up front that I am coming to claim the fund to enable them to get ready ahead of time, as you come we will not have any delay.

As for me I will beg you to come down to Ghana as soon as possible.

Sir I will stop here and expect to hear from you.

Thanks and God bless,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I'll ask my PA to check my diary tomorrow

Sent: Wed, 05 Apr 2006 16:52:18

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thanks for your email. It's good to hear that you're confining yourself to your hotel room rather than wandering the streets. Much safer that way. I hope you're not getting too bored, being cooped up in your room like that. Mind you, hotels offer much more in the way of in-room entertainment these days than they used to.

I take it you've got pay-per-view movies available? I always find they help me to relax when I'm away from home, travelling on business, and I don't get the chance to watch stuff like that at home: the wife doesn't approve. Seeing as you've got access to the internet, there's no way you should get bored. Just don't go overdoing it now, will you? They say that too much of that kind of thing will send you blind. Hasn't happened to me yet though, so you're probably safe there.

Anyway, to business. You reckon it'll take three days to get this business concluded when I travel over to Ghana, do you? That shouldn't be a problem. I'll get my PA to check my diary tomorrow and work out a good time for us to fly over.

I'm sure that Janet will be delighted when I tell her I'll be taking her abroad for a few days. I don't think she's ever been to Africa. Tell me, Mr Taylor, whereabouts in Ghana are you at the moment? You haven't told me. I'll need to know where you're staying. After all, I don't want to book myself a flight to Accra, only to find that you're holed up in Bolgatanga or some other place in the back of beyond.

Hopefully Miss Alia will be able to make room in my diary sometime next week. I've already told you that I'm in need of a bit of quick money at the moment, and today that need became a damn sight more urgent.

Mr Taylor, you're placing a great deal of trust in me, so I feel that I can trust you as well. I'll be absolutely frank with you: I need this money because I'm being blackmailed by a journalist. He's got some rather unfortunate photographs of me and another man, and he's threatening to send the pictures to a national newspaper unless I give him an extremely large sum of money.

It's all a huge misunderstanding. Basically, I was taking a late night walk on Clapham Common the other month when I came across a young fellow in the bushes who appeared to be in a spot of trouble: he seemed to be having trouble breathing. I ran to his help, and quickly loosened his clothing - and removed some of it too. I positioned myself behind the chap and attempted to administer the Heimlich manoeuvere, hoping to dislodge whatever blockage was preventing him from breathing. Unfortunately, during my exertions, my belt snapped and my own trousers fell to my ankles, taking my boxer shorts with them. At that point, the journalist appeared from behind a bush and quickly took a series of photographs before I realised what was happening.

Obviously, the whole situation was completely innocent, but the journalist has sent me a copy of some of the photographs, and I have to admit that they are open to misinterpretation. Quite apart from the damage their publication could do to my career, there's no way I want my wife to see them. There'd be an awful lot of explaining to do, especially after that unfortunate incident with the Russian sailor in Amsterdam a couple of years ago.

Anyway, the journalist contacted me again today. He's getting increasingly impatient for his money. I have got the money he wants in a series of joint savings accounts, but if I took the money out of there, I'd have to explain its disappearance to my wife, and that might be awkward. That's what prompted me to respond to your proposal, my dear fellow.

I managed to placate the journalist again today, but he told me that he's not prepared to wait much longer for his money. That's why I need this business to work out as quickly as possible: so that I can pay the man and have done with it.

I'm sorry for unburdening myself on you like this, Mr Taylor, but I've not been able to tell anyone else about this matter, and I've been dying to get it off my chest. Given the huge amount of trust that you are placing in me, I feel that I can trust you implicitly. I trust that you can appreciate the scale of my predicament.

I must go: I am due at the local Womens' Institute tonight, where I will be judging their annual organic vegetable growing competition. No doubt it will be extremely dull, but the more hands I shake at things like this, the more votes I'll get in the next election.

I'll get back to you tomorrow once Janet Alia has consulted my diary.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Urgent

Sent: Thu, 06 Apr 2006 00:45:05 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

I received your mail and your encounter with journalist, I really sorry for the incident, one living in a glass house don't throw stone. Your name is greater than silver and gold, journalist are dangerous set of people. They painted my uncle blue and black which everybody believes he is today.

I don't like them. They are more dangerous than armed robbers. An innocent man go through trial but God will always see him through, when journalist enter into you (sic) it is only you and your God and journalist can tell the trout (sic). God have seen you are innocent you are only trying to help so he made this provision to link you with somebody who need help. I have trusted you and each mail you sent to me built more trust on you.

We will work as a team, we will have enough money to settle journalist and you have your peace.

I stay at hotel in Accra called ROYAL PALM HOTEL.

It was not a five star hotel but they have all the facility that could keep one indoors.

I will be very much expecting your mail to know when you will be coming.

Yours truly,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Possible dates for travelling to Ghana

Sent: Thu, 06 Apr 2006 10:08:33

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for your email. I appreciate your kind words of support... although I'd like to make it perfectly clear that I've never had a journalist enter into me, and especially not one who writes for a fishing magazine. That would be far too risky: there'd be no way you could keep something like that out of the press. Anyway, I am truly thankful that you contacted me when you did: without you, there's no way I'd be able to pay off this damn journalist.

How are you today, my dear fellow? Did you spend a pleasant night in the hotel, watching pay-per-view movies and surfing the internet? Let's just hope that the hotel is appropriately discreet when it comes to totting up your final bill, to save you any unnecessary embarrassment.

I'm afraid to say that things didn't go particularly well for me at the Womens' Institute last night. For a start, I was due to give a short speech before the judging of the organic vegetables, but I found to my dismay that I'd put the wrong speech into my jacket pocket. I ended up giving a speech that I am due to give next week at the British Pesticide Producers' Association. I didn't realise until it was too late; I'd already passionately extolled the virtues of a regular pesticide-spraying regime before the grumbles of discontent from the audience made me realise that I'd made a mistake. It didn't go down at all well, I can tell you.

As if that wasn't bad enough, there followed an extremely unfortunate incident while I was judging the cucumbers, melons and pumpkins, in which I completely misunderstood one of the women competitors when she invited me to give her melons a good squeeze. Thankfully Janet Alia managed to calm people down during the ensuing uproar, and she managed to dissuade the woman in question from calling the police. I don't mind telling you that I needed a good stiff drink to calm my nerves when I finally got out of there. I don't think they'll be inviting me back next year.

Anyway, to business. I've just had Janet Alia into my office for a diary session. After a good bit of hard probing, it looks as if the best time for me to travel down to Ghana would be sometime in the week beginning Monday 17th April. Unfortunately there's no way I'll be able to come over next week - my diary's booked solid - and then it's the Easter break when I'm going away with the wife. Looking at my diary, the earliest date I can possibly travel over is Tuesday 18th April - and I'll have to rearrange a few dates in order to fly over that week. I know it's a bit later than we both hoped for, but would that date be good for you? Do let me know.

Please get back to me as soon as you can. If that date's OK, I'll get Miss Alia to look into flights. I look forward to hearing from you, my dear fellow.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Urgent

Sent: Thu, 06 Apr 2006 12:02:14 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your mail; I appreciate your speed up effort in concluding this transaction. The 18th April you give is OK with me. Once you buy air ticket please let me have your flight schedule.

I am been more carefully, only it is not easy as such to be indoors. Hotel bills are there take all the money in my pocket. You know when you are spending no one is coming in the one you have must be going down.

Thank you once more as I will be counting days to meet with you.

Yours truly,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I will ask Miss Alia to book me a suitable flight

Sent: Fri, 07 Apr 2006 10:10:18

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for your email. I am delighted to hear that Tuesday 18th April is an acceptable date for you. I will ask Miss Alia to get to work and book me a suitable flight as soon as she arrives in the office this morning.

Miss Alia is always a little late in on Fridays, as she attends a language school on Thursday evenings that goes on until quite late: she is learning to speak French. I learned a little bit of French back in my school days, and to help her with her studies we often converse with each other in French. I know for a fact that Miss Alia enjoys it when we indulge in a bit of French and I try out the tongue on her.

I was down at my club last night and I got chatting to my old chum Tubby Broccoli. We've known each other for years - ever since we were students - and he's now working for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office. It's a good job I bumped into old Tubs, because according to him Miss Alia and I will need visas to travel to Ghana. I wasn't aware of that. Luckily Tubs told me he'd pull some strings for me in the FCO and get a couple of visas sorted out for me early next week.

Tell me, Mr Taylor, what are your plans once we've got this money out from the security company? You were talking about moving abroad and changing your name. Have you had any thoughts on where you'd like to travel to? I was thinking, you see, that I could maybe have a word with a few people I know in the right places and call in a few favours, and we may be able to help you out. What are your thoughts about moving over to the UK? Do let me know.

I must go: I'm due to appear before the Select Committee on Party Funding again this morning. It seems as if they weren't completely happy with some of the answers I gave them last time I appeared, so I'm expecting a bit of a grilling. I've got to keep my mouth shut: David Cameron's made it perfectly clear to me that I mustn't let on about the sheik who I persuaded to donate money to the party last year. I'm a man of my word, so I've told him he can trust me to keep shtum.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Miss Alia has booked our flights

Sent: Fri, 07 Apr 2006 16:42:19

Dear Mr Taylor,

I write with good news, my dear fellow. My PA has just paged me to tell me that she has booked us flights to Accra. I don't have any details as yet, but I'll be meeting up with her first thing on Monday morning so I should be able to send you details of our itinerary early next week.

Perhaps you could do me a favour, Mr Taylor? Miss Alia and I will be needing a good hotel during our stay in Ghana. I'd very much appreciate it if you could do a bit of scouting around for me and recommend a decent one.

Now you may be willing to put yourself up in a less than ideal establishment, but I never stay anywhere that doesn't have at least five stars. Miss Alia and I don't want to spend our time in the sort of place where we have to wipe old lipstick off the cocktail glasses and listen to a poorly-tuned piano in the lounge bar of an evening. Obviously, we'll need a hotel that's expensive enough to put off the riff-raff. I'm sure you know what I mean. See what you can do about finding us a suitable establishment, there's a good chap. We'll be needing a pair of interconnecting rooms, by the way.

Perhaps you could also give some thought towards a plan of action for when I arrive in Ghana. You said you thought that this business would take about three days. Is that three days solid work, or do you think Miss Alia and I will have time for a bit of sightseeing? I'd like to see a bit of local colour while I'm over there.

I'm going home to my constituency this weekend, but I'll be back in touch next week. It'd be nice if you could sort out a hotel for me over the weekend. I like to know where I'll be staying when I go abroad.

Have yourself a good weekend, my dear chap. And don't overdo it watching those pay-per-view movies now, will you? Quite apart from getting square eyes, you'll be growing hairs on the palms of your hands if you're not careful.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Your Hotel Details

Sent: Fri, 07 Apr 2006 20:36:45 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

I received your mails of today packed with progress report of our transaction. It is great working with achievers all they do works and their dreams materialised. Your today's mails give dream of seeing myself receiving a handshake with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth.

Thank you very much for proposing to me that it could be better if after we claim the fund and have my ID changed I could come to England and invest my money. This acutely is my heat desire I have it in mind that I ask you to advise me in a good business I can invest my money in and help to get apartment I will buy to stay which will be located in London.

Sir, visit the below website of five star hotels in Accra Ghana and make your reservation online: http://www.hotel.com.au/cities/Accra-Ghana-hotels.asp.

I told you we may have three days but it is not three hectic long hours in a day. It is just from the hotel to bank of Ghana you open an offshore dollars account with the bank, that we could finish on the first day which may not take more than three hours.

On the second day we will go to the company, sign all necessary clearance documents with the company and claim the money, we take their security van, move the money to the bank and deposit the money. Because of the time it will take to count the money, open the account and deposit that is why the day we may have more hours to stay at least five hours. We are back for that day and have all the remaining hours of the day to go for sightseeing in Accra.

Last day will be to go to bank and order the transfer of the money to your local bank account in England. That will not take us more than two hours and we have all the day to visit anywhere you wish to go. I have one friend who is a Ghanaian. He will take us to all their cultural centres so you can see all African natural heritage and historical sites like slave trade castle. So sir, the visit is not going to be a hectic one, we will do what we come for and still have time for yourself.

I will be expecting to get details of your itinerary that will help me to know the airline you are coming with and the time of your arrival. I will like to welcome you from the airport. My God that will be a wonderful meeting. I cannot wait to see this day. Sir have a pleasant weekend. I expect to hear from you when you are back early next week.

Yours truly,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Details of my itinerary

Sent: Mon, 10 Apr 2006 10:04:56

Dear Mr Taylor,

I got back into London early this morning after a weekend at home in the constituency, and I've just had a diary session with Janet Alia. I'm writing to you with details of our itinerary.

Miss Alia has booked us two first-class tickets onto British Airways flight BA0081 on Tuesday 18th April. The flight leaves Heathrow at 14:15 and arrives in Accra at 20:00. Our return flight is on Saturday 22nd April: BA0078, which leaves Accra at 22:30. Given what you said in your last email, this should give us ample time to conduct our business, as well as allowing us time to see a bit of local life too.

Thank you for sending me that link to the hotel website. Are there any hotels you would particularly recommend? With you actually being in Accra at the moment, I'd appreciate your advice. After all, I've come across hotels before that look fine on a website or in a brochure, but which don't live up to expectations upon arrival. I don't want to spend mealtimes in the hotel picking bugs out of limp salad, so if you could scout out the hotels for me and recommend the best, I'd appreciate it.

Thank you for your kind offer to meet Miss Alia and I at the airport, by the way. We'd really appreciate that. Tubs Broccoli at the FCO warned me last week that there have been problems reported at Accra airport in the past, with all sorts of dubious individuals hanging around pretending to be taxi drivers and whatnot, so if you could be at hand to guide us safely to our hotel, that would be much appreciated.

Now then, I was wondering over the weekend if we should think about getting a lawyer involved in this business. There's a lot of money at stake, and it might be useful to have a lawyer at hand to make sure that there aren't any loose ends that need tying up.

As it happens, there is an excellent lawyer in my constituency - Welsby, of the legal firm Elton and Welsby - whose services I have been using for over ten years. Welsby's a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. He also charges extremely reasonable fees.

Welsby's got the sharpest legal brain I've ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving an Albanian lady friend of mine who accidentally suffocated in my hotel room while giving me a hands-on demonstration of the correct way to bridle a horse (there wasn't a horse involved at the time, naturally).

Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved family... and against the manufacturer of the leather harness we had been using at the time.

I can't recommend Welsby highly enough. Do you think I ought to contact him and see if he can help us out in this matter, my dear fellow? I am sure he would do an excellent job for us.

I must go now: my diary is extremely busy this week. Do get back to me as soon as you can with your thoughts on the best hotel to stay at, won't you? I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

PS. You mentioned the possibility of meeting up with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth when you move over to this country. I'm afraid there won't be much chance of that, my dear fellow; I've been persona non grata in royal circles for a couple of years now, ever since a drunken prank that went wrong at a royal garden party in 2004, involving a member of the Household Cavalry and a champagne cork. Her Majesty was most definitely not amused, and I've heard that the guardsman still has difficulty sitting down to this day.

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Details Of Your Hotel

Sent: Mon, 10 Apr 2006 15:29:33 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

How was your weekend? Hope it was a pleasant one, thank God for journey mercy. How many hours drive is your constituency to London? Do you go by road or by air? You are welcome Sir.

Thanks for giving me your travelling schedule. It will help me to prepare for your arrival. I promise you I will be in the airport to welcome you. Before the date of your departure to Ghana I will let you know how you will identify me upon your arrival to Ghana airport.

I will suggest you make your reservation with LA PALM ROYAL BEACH HOTEL, it is good. Visit their website at http://www.southtravels.com/africa/ghana/lapalmroyalbeach/
index.html and make your reservation online.

Sir, we will not need a lawyer. I have a lawyer who will work for the change of my identity. If there is any legal document that is required I will contact him to do that, he will have more influence being a Ghanaian lawyer. But I do not think there is need for such document.

Your coming with a lawyer from England will be unnecessary expenses, you should resave such money, and we may still have some expenses to make like we must need money to open a dollars offshore account which will first accommodate the money before you finally transfer the money to your account. I have contacted a bank manger who will do that for us.

Furthermore it is not in our best interest to let more people know about this transaction, human being is a jealousy being. It will be better everything is done confidentially.

I will stop here as we count days, hope to meet with you on the 18th. We will keep updating each other as the date approaches.

Yours truly,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: My movements over the next few days

Sent: Tue, 11 Apr 2006 09:23:17

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for your email and for recommending that hotel to me. I've had a look at their website and it looks as if it'll be just about adequate for my needs. I'm not sure that I like the decor in the bedrooms, but no doubt Miss Alia and I will be able to find a way to take our minds off that when we retire to our rooms at night.

You asked about my constituency. It's about 140 miles away from London, deep in the Lincolnshire fens. I used to drive to and from London myself, but I lost my driving licence last year following an unfortunate incident involving a few too many gin and tonics and a poorly-situated pedestrian crossing, and ever since then I've had to employ a driver to ferry me about in the Jaguar.

Have you any idea how expensive it is to employ a full-time driver? It's not cheap, I can tell you that. I'm only thankful that I had the good sense to marry into a wealthy family.

If you ask me, I should never have lost my licence in the first place. I argued with the judge at the time that I needed my licence for my work as an MP, but I just couldn't make him see sense. If only Welsby hadn't been away on holiday at the time: I'm sure he would have been able to persuade the judge to see things my way. I really don't see what all the fuss and bother was about anyway; if you ask me, that schoolgirl should have looked both ways before stepping out into the road. And anyway, from what I've heard there have been great advances in wheelchair technology recently.

Anyway, back to business. You don't reckon there's any need to get Welsby involved in this business, then? Well, I'll take your word for it. I just hope this lawyer you're on about knows his stuff.

Now then, I'd better keep you updated about my movements over the next few days. We've got some local elections coming up in the near future, and I've been contacted by the bigwigs at Conservative Party Central Office. Apparently they want me out of the way for a while, to avoid any negative press coverage. Well that suits me fine. With that in mind, I've cancelled all of the dates in my diary for tomorrow and Thursday, and I'm taking Janet Alia away for a few days by the seaside. I haven't told the wife; what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

What this means is that I'm going to be pretty much out of contact for the coming few days, because as soon as I get back from my few days away with Miss Alia, I'll be going away over Easter with the wife.

With all these comings and goings, I probably won't get a chance to email you much from tomorrow until next Tuesday morning, and my flight's booked for Tuesday afternoon. With this in mind, it might be an idea if you could get back to me with final arrangements for our meeting up next Tuesday evening. Send me the details in an email, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Now don't you worry if you don't hear from me for a few days; as I say, I don't know when I'm going to get a chance to email you. But rest assured that if I don't manage to get back to you before then, I'll definitely get in touch on the morning of my flight to Ghana.

I must say, I'm looking forward to meeting you, Mr Taylor. Tell me, are you a drinking man? I think we'll be more than justified in celebrating our success with a bottle or three of champagne at the end of next week.

Get back to me as soon as you can with our arrangements for meeting up.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Very Urgent

Sent: Tue, 11 Apr 2006 07:39:58 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

Your mail was received with thanks; I understand your movement for the next few days. At this point I believe that we must claim the money next week, so I will be on my way to notify the Global Storage Company our intention to claim the consignment on 19th April 2006 and to ask them to make clearance ahead of the date so that we will not have any delay on claiming the fund next week.

I think we have almost concluded every arrangement, so your absence for some days may not matter, but on the Tuesday morning please you must check your mail to get information on how you will identify me at arrival hall of Ghana international airport, I will tell you the type of dress I will put on and the CODE that I will write in the placard I will have on me. It will not be too late just check your mail before going to the airport.

I think it will be wise if you come with gifts for the clearance officers who will handle our matter. Something like befitting. Wristwatches will be ideal.

I do not forbid drinks especially champagne for toast of success. We look forward for that.

Sir, you always attach MP after your name. Is that a kind of title? Let me know how your friends address you.

We will be looking forward to meet with you on Tuesday evening. Have a safe movement as we look forward to our meeting day.

Yours truly,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I will check my email next Tuesday morning

Sent: Tue, 11 Apr 2006 15:53:18

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for your email. I will do as you suggest and check my email next Tuesday morning. Kindly ensure that you send an email detailing how I will recognise you at the airport before then. If I may make a suggestion, a simple placard with my name - "Gilbert Murray MP" - should suffice. Kindly ensure that the placard is a good size and that the letters are clear and large: my eyesight isn't what it used to be and I have to admit that I am too vain to wear spectacles.

You asked why I sign myself as "Gilbert Murray MP". As I have already explained to you, I am a Member of Parliament. "MP" therefore stands for "Member of Parliament". It is a standard way for us MPs to sign ourselves.

As for how my friends address me, those close to me simply address me as "Gilbert". I would be honoured if you would do the same.

May I wish you a pleasant Easter break. If I am not in touch before then, I will contact you by next Tuesday at the very latest before my flight. I look forward to meeting you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

PS. I appreciate your comment about bringing some appropriate gifts for the officials we will be meeting. If the odd gift helps to oil the wheels of business, I see nothing wrong with that. I will see what I can pick up at the airport next week.

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Very Urgent

Sent: Tue, 11 Apr 2006 14:17:07 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

We have some development, today I went to inform the Global Storage Company our intention to come and claim the fund on 19th of April 2006. They told me that they will contact me after they conduct clearance on my file with them.

After that, this evening I received the below attached email from them reminding me that I have some balance money to pay them before I can claim the fund.

This could have not been a problem but my long stay in hotel have kept me without much cash.

Immediately I received this mail I called Mr Solomon to explain to him that I will have the money to pay if they can permit me to gain access to the box first, but he simply told me that I should come with the money if I do not want a delay because if I do not pay the money I will not have access to meet with the department that will release the box of the fund to me.

Please try and help me. See if you can get this money as you are coming. We will pay back the money with interest.

This mail may have come late, but it is better we have known this now than to get to the company and meet this development.

Furthermore your last mail was received with thanks, and I will keep as I promise.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Mr Lucky Taylor

A clearance notice from the security company
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Don't worry about the money

Sent: Thu, 13 Apr 2006 16:44:16

Dear Mr Taylor,

I have been pleased to discover that the hotel in which Miss Alia and I are staying has internet access. Most of the time their computer is being used by spotty little kids playing computer games, but I've managed to get some time on the hotel's computer by giving one little lad a few pounds and telling him to bugger off and buy some sweets. Knowing the state of Britain's youth nowadays, he'll probably be straight off down to the off-licence to buy himself some strong cider, but that's not my concern.

Anyway, to business. I read the email you sent me the other day about those charges that are outstanding at the security company. How remiss of you to forget to pay the monthly storage fee. I can only assume that all of your money has been going on pay-per-view movies, watched in the privacy of your hotel room late at night. Be careful: that kind of thing can become addictive.

Well no matter. Please don't worry about the money. It won't be a problem. I'll make sure that I bring along sufficient cash to cover this, along with any other incidental expenses we may come across during the course of this business.

One spot of good news, by the way: good old Tubs Broccoli paged me the other day to let me know that he's sorted out the visas for Miss Alia and I, so everything's now in place for our trip to Ghana next week. Tubs mentioned to me in passing last week that credit card fraud is quite common in Ghana at the moment, so he's advised me to take whatever money I need in the form of US dollars. He says it's much safer that way. I'll be going to the bank next Tuesday morning and withdrawing enough to pay all our bills during our stay in Accra.

I must go: the hotel we are staying in has a firing range, and Miss Alia is keen to try her hand at shooting. Knowing that the hotel had a firing range, I actually brought my own rifle away with me. Miss Alia can't wait to see me get my hands on my weapon and shoot my load.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks For Your Email Sir

Sent: Sat, 15 Apr 2006 11:54:33 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

How are you enjoying your keep of live? It was interesting hearing that you can shoot and get at target. I do not know how to shoot. I wish I knew how to shoot. I could have killed many monkeys when we are in Nigeria. The city where we stayed in Calabar, they have monkeys that they always come out from bush, I do wish I know how to shoot.

Sir, I will not fail to give many thanks to you for your kind of understanding, your mail easy my worries. At the moment I can say we have put up 90% preparation to complete this transaction. Everything is working out with your persistent helping hand. Thank God for this hotel computer game boy that you feed with his heart's desire to free the computer.

At the moment with your visa being ready I think we are set only counting on days. My next mail at the moment is to describe how you will identify when you arrive at Ghana airport.

I will stop here expecting to hear from you.

Regards,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THIS IS HOW YOU WILL RECOGNISE ME AT THE AIRPORT

Sent: Mon, 17 Apr 2006 14:32:25 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

I am writing you following my promises to send you directives on how you will recognise me at Accra Ghana International Airport. This is the code of our conduct. I will wait at arrival hall with plan card inscribed your first name eg "GILBERT MP". It will be written in bold marker pen.

Once you notice this inscription when you approach me you introduce your name eg "I AM GILBERT MURRAY MP" and you wait for me to introduce myself eg "I AM MR LUCK TAYLOR".

Please after you have read this mail please reply to this mail, confirming you have read and understand the mail, then if by the time you read this you know the type and colour of the dress you will put on. Please I must be in the airport waiting for your arrival. If for any reason we couldn't locate each other please the only enquiry you will make is to ask for where you can make a call within the arrival hall and call my number: 02090 38830.

Please I wait for your reply as I look forward for your safe arrival.

Yours truly,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I look forward to seeing you at the airport

Sent: Tue, 18 Apr 2006 09:51:27

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for your emails. I trust that you had a pleasant Easter. I enjoyed my few days away with Janet Alia last week immensely. The days I spent away over Easter with my wife were not nearly as enjoyable, but never mind; I will have the pleasure of Miss Alia's company - with all that entails - during the time I am in Ghana.

I am currently waiting for Miss Alia to arrive at work. We have a bit of work to sort out, then we shall be leaving for the airport. Thank you, by the way, for sending me details of how to recognise you at the airport. That all sounds simple enough. I am sure that we will be able to meet up without any problems.

On the subject of meeting up at the airport, you asked me what colour dress I will be wearing. I shall not be wearing a dress at all, my dear fellow; despite any rumours that you may have heard to the contrary, cross-dressing has never appealed to me all that much. I shall instead be wearing a smart business suit. Miss Alia, on the other hand, probably will be wearing a dress... although I couldn't tell you what colour it will be.

Ah, I have just looked out of the window and I can see Miss Alia walking across the park towards the office. She has stopped to play with the security guard's rottweiler, Bruce. I can see her throwing balls for Bruce to run and fetch.

Miss Alia has always had a great passion for dogs. It's lovely to sit here in my office, watching her out of the window as she plays with Bruce's balls and gives him a big bone as he licks her face and pants.

So Mr Taylor, all being well our flight should touch down in Accra at eight o'clock sharp local time. Miss Alia and I are very much looking forward to meeting you. I imagine that after such a long flight we will probably want to freshen up when we arrive. Presumably you will be able to run us to our hotel, then collect us from the hotel in time for us to conduct our business in the morning?

See you later today.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I have been mugged!

Sent: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 10:21:03

Dear Mr Taylor,

You are probably wondering why you didn't see Miss Alia and I at the airport last night. Well I don't quite know how to tell you this... Miss Alia and I have been mugged!

Our flight arrived at Kotoka International Airport on time last night, and once we had collected our baggage we made our way out to find you. Almost immediately, we came across a heavily-built fellow on the other side of the security barriers who was holding a sign with my name on it.

I went up to him and introduced myself, and asked if he was Lucky Taylor. He told me that he wasn't, but that you had been unavoidably detained and that you had asked him to collect us from the airport. The man seemed very plausible, so I accepted what he told me at face value. The man showed us over to a waiting car - a dusty old Mercedes saloon which was being driven by another heavily-built fellow - put our luggage into the boot and ushered Miss Alia and I into the rear seats. He climbed into the front passenger seat and we drove off at speed towards the city.

I attempted to engage the two men in the front seat in conversation, but they seemed to be very unwilling to talk. All the same, everything seemed to be going fine until we turned off the main road onto what seemed to be no more than a dirt track and headed into the suburbs of the city. I asked the men where we were going on a number of occasions, but all they would say was that we would be there soon and that I was not to worry.

All of a sudden, the car pulled into a deserted back alleyway and came to an abrupt halt. Before we knew what was happening, the two men leaped out of the front of the car, threw open the rear doors and pulled Miss Alia and I out into the street. Any thoughts I had of fighting back were quashed at once when I saw that they were both brandishing large knives.

The two men then proceeded to rob Miss Alia and I. They relieved us of our wallets, our watches and all of Miss Alia's jewellery. One of the men then punched me squarely in the face, and as I reeled back in shock and pain, blood spurting out of my nose, they leaped back into the car and sped off, leaving Miss Alia and I alone in the alley.

When I had come to my senses, Miss Alia and I made our way out of the alley and found a main road, where we flagged down a passing taxi and asked the driver to take us to a hotel - any reasonable hotel. He did just that, and took us to the hotel where we are at the present moment: the Cresta Royal Hotel, which I believe is located in a district called Legon. It is not up to my usual standard, but at least it seems to be safe.

Miss Alia and I are lucky to be alive, my dear fellow. Over breakfast this morning, I tried to piece together what had happened. The only thing I can think of is that the robber who picked us up saw you waiting at the airport, made a quick copy of your sign and made sure that we came across him before we came across you. I can't think what else could have happened.

I imagine that you must have waited for us at the airport for some time last night, my dear fellow. I know that I should have contacted you straight away to let you know what had happened, but after the terrible ordeal Miss Alia and I went through, I was simply too shocked to contact you last night. Please do accept my apologies.

On a more positive note, you will be pleased to hear that all is not lost. The robbers may have made away with my luggage and my watch (and with the watches I bought at Heathrow as gifts as you suggested), but they haven't made away with my money. You see, ever since an unfortunate incident in Frinton some years ago, I have always taken the precaution of carrying a "dummy wallet" whenever I travel abroad. The dummy wallet contains nothing but a few small bank notes and some out of date credit cards. It means that if I am mugged - as happened yesterday - I can happily hand over the wallet to the thief, safe in the knowledge that my real money and bank cards are safe in a money belt around my waist. Thank heavens I was carrying a dummy wallet yesterday.

What this means is that I still have all of the money I travelled over to Ghana with, so despite the robbers' best efforts, we will still be able to conclude our business.

The current situation is this. Miss Alia and I are currently sitting in the coffee lounge of the Cresta Royal Hotel. Please respond to this email as soon as you receive it, then make your way as soon as you can to the Cresta Royal to collect Miss Alia and myself.

I think it would be safer this time if you make the first move when you enter the coffee lounge. I am wearing the same dark business suit as I was wearing yesterday - all of my other clothes have been stolen - and Miss Alia is wearing a dark dress. Please do come forward and introduce yourself.

I look forward to hearing back from you by return, and to seeing you soon. I only hope that the rest of our visit to Ghana is less eventful than the trip has been so far.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Where are you, for heaven's sake?

Sent: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:32:16

Mr Taylor,

Hours have now passed since I last emailed you, yet I am still sitting here in the coffee lounge, with nothing to do other than to play with my Janet Alia. Where are you, for heaven's sake?

My trip to Ghana started off extremely badly. Let's do all that we can to salvage something out of this mess, Mr Taylor. Do you want my help or not, for God's sake?

As it happens, I have got talking to a very nice Nigerian chap called Abacha, who is proposing what sounds as if it could be a very lucrative business opportunity. Unless you get back to me immediately, I am very tempted to pursue the once in a lifetime opportunity that Mr Abacha is offering.

This is no way to treat an honoured member of Her Majesty's government. Get back to me at once, Mr Taylor. I am waiting.

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Where are you, for heaven's sake?

Sent: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 08:14:15 -0700 (PDT)

I am sorry for the incident but why can't you just call me on 02090 38830? I waited at the airport but I did not carry any placard on your name as I checked the flight passenger name before the arrival of the plane and could not find your name on the passenger list, which made me believe that you are not in the aeroplane before the arrival of the plane. I further made arrangements with an immigration officer to help me get you out when you arrive. He also confirmed that you are not among the passengers of the flight.

I have been sick of the stress and the shock I received when it became clear that you are not on the plane.

I just called the Craitral Hotel (sic) and asked of your name. They told me that there is no name like that in their guest book. Please call if you are there.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: How on earth did the robber know I was going to be landing in Ghana yesterday?

Sent: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:56:19

Dear Mr Taylor,

Thank you for your email. I must say, although your email does answer some questions, it also raises some other questions entirely.

For one thing, if you weren't holding up a placard bearing my name, how did the robber who intercepted me know that I was going to be on that flight? I didn't tell anyone my travelling arrangements - not that I know anyone in Ghana to tell anyway - so I can only assume that this lapse in security has come from your end. Who have you told about our business, Mr Taylor? I thought this was supposed to be confidential. You haven't been shouting your mouth off about our plans in some local backstreet bar, have you? I can't think of any other way in which a thief would get to know that I was going to be arriving in Accra with a large amount of money on my person. Shame on you, Mr Taylor: you should learn to keep your mouth shut about delicate matters like that.

As for why my name didn't appear on the airline's passenger list, Miss Alia and I travelled under assumed names. Given the risk of global terrorism and the corresponding heightened security these days, it is standard practise for British MPs and their staff to travel under assumed names. To this end, the FCO has supplied all MPs and their staff with a second passport, to be used when travelling to avoid the risk of being identified by undesirables.

Why didn't you stick to the plan, Mr Taylor? If you had held up the placard with my name on it - as we had agreed - Miss Alia and I probably wouldn't have fallen into the hands of those damn criminals. I hope you realise that I am holding you partially responsible for what happened to us yesterday, my dear fellow.

And you say that you have been stressed and shocked? Well how do you think Miss Alia and I feel after our ordeal? We were robbed, for God's sake! We are lucky to be alive!

Now then, why on earth did you say that you had called the "Craitral Hotel"? Where on earth is that? Miss Alia and I are booked into the CRESTA ROYAL HOTEL. If you are going to go and call the wrong hotel, there's no wonder that the hotel staff deny all knowledge of us. I repeat, Mr Taylor, Miss Alia are booked into the CRESTA ROYAL HOTEL, under our assumed names. What on earth is so difficult about that?

I am getting sick and tired of all this messing around. Miss Alia and I will be in the hotel's coffee lounge for the next two hours. If you want to move forward with this business, you will come and meet us AT ONCE. If not, you can wave goodbye to me and my financial assistance, and I shall move forward with Mr Abacha, who seems like a jolly decent fellow.

The ball is in your court, Mr Taylor. I feel that you have let me down shamefully. Do not let me down any more. I am waiting.

Gilbert Murray MP

PS. I have tried calling you on a number of occasions, but I can't get the hang of your damn phone system. All I have been able to get is a series of indecipherable beeps and then I get cut off each time.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I have decided to move forward with Mr Abacha

Sent: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 09:45:48

Dear Mr Taylor,

Seeing as you did not make an appearance in the hotel coffee bar last night, and seeing as you kept me waiting around all day yesterday with my Janet Alia, I have decided to drop you as a business partner and move forward with Mr Abacha's proposal instead.

I did actually think that I saw you in the hotel at one point last night, when a short, scruffy man in an ill-fitting and dirty nylon suit shuffled into the hotel and came up to me, muttering incomprehensibly and breathing over me with foul breath that smelled like a goat's backside. However, I couldn't understand a word of what he was saying and I took him to be a passing vagrant, so I lost no time at all in getting the hotel's security staff to throw the man out into the street where he belonged.

Actually, come to think of it Mr Taylor, could that have been you? Are you a short, scruffy man in an ill-fitting and dirty nylon suit, with foul breath like that smells like a goat's backside? Maybe it was you after all.

Anyway, even if that was you, I am pleased to say that Mr Abacha puts himself forward in a much more professional manner than you have ever done. He can even spell properly. I am meeting up with him later this morning, and we are going to travel to a security company to arrange for the release of a large consignment of gold bullion that he has managed to smuggle out of Nigeria. I am confident that with Mr Abacha's help I will be able to make enough money to pay off that blackmailing journalist before the end of the week.

I am sorry that I have had to drop you like this, Mr Taylor, but you have only yourself to blame. If you had acted in a professional manner, rather than acting like the man who sweeps up the dung at the local goat market, we would have been well on the way towards releasing your money from the security company by now. Oh well, such is life. Now don't go spending too much time watching those pay-per-view movies, will you? Too much of that will make you go blind.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 03:54:01 -0700 (PDT)

Hello Sir,

I don't understand what you are talking about, besides I have checked everywhere in the hotel.

I don't think you are real, I know you have been playing with me all this while, here send me your number so I will talk with you if you are in Ghana.

I gave you my number but you did not call me, this is my number again: 02090 38830. If you can't call me then keep it up with whoever you want to.

Regards,

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: How dare you doubt my word? Telephone me immediately at the hotel

Sent: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 12:16:03

Mr Taylor,

I have just read your last email, with a mixture of shock and indignation. How dare you doubt my word? I am a Member of Parliament, for God's sake. I have better things to do with my time than to waste it playing around with idiots like you.

I travelled over here to Ghana in good faith, hoping to help you out of your predicament and make myself a bit of money at the same time. Yet despite all my efforts, you have displayed nothing but incompetence in this matter right from the moment my plane touched down on Tuesday night.

What do you mean, you have checked everywhere in the hotel? You can't have done; I would have seen you... unless you were that short, scruffy fellow with breath like Satan's bottom who I had thrown out onto the street last night. Was that you? If it was, why on earth didn't you explain yourself better? You sounded as if you'd been drinking, for God's sake.

I think we need to speak on the telephone and sort this out once and for all. I have already told you that I can't get the hang of your damn phone system, and I've run out of small change trying to ring you over the past few days. Therefore I suggest that you call me at the hotel.

According to the fellow on the desk, the hotel telephone number is 233 21 517556. Telephone me at once, and let's get this thing sorted.

I've already told you that Miss Alia and I are travelling under assumed names for security purposes. Therefore if you ask for Gilbert Murray and Janet Alia, the hotel staff won't have a clue what you are on about. Miss Alia and I are booked into the hotel as Mike Hocsmall and Ivana Hoare.

Telephone me at the hotel at once and ask to be put through to me. Perhaps we will be able to salvage something out of this debacle after all.

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: How dare you doubt my word? Telephone me immediately at the hotel

Sent: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 07:00:10 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert,

I am sorry about that, I was not really happy when you told me you are dealing with another person when we have come all this way long. Anyway I am happy to see your new email message, but I have tried to call you many times. I am not true. Why? Sir, if you and your PA are there in the hotel, why can't you have a mobile phone line or something?

I told you to call my number but you did not, my cell phone is always on. Here is my number again: 020 903 8830. You can use the hotel phone to call me if possible.

Sir what is your hotel number and I want you to call me. I have been lonely for the past two days. Why you are in another place I don't know. I have been to the hotel this morning again, but no lucky searching for you. I know you have better things to do, likewise me, because both of us are government members if you will want to know, is only that my brother is not in power again.

Why will you call me names? I will wait to hear from you.

Mr Lucky Taylor

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: Call me at my hotel, for heaven's sake

Sent: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 15:25:27

Mr Taylor,

I feel as if we are going round in circles here. I have already told you that I can't seem to get the hang of your damn telephone system. I have tried calling you on a number of occasions, and frankly I am sick of it. All I have managed to do so far is to get through to some mumbling halfwit, who gabbles something incomprehensible at me before cutting me off time after time.

Which hotel did you go to this morning? Did you come to the Cresta Royal Hotel where Miss Alia and I are staying, or did you shuffle off to the Craitral or whatever other dump you seem to be confusing with this hotel? And why all this confusion over which hotel I am staying at, for God's sake? You seem to be making things more difficult than they actually are for some reason.

If you did come here this morning, it's possible that you missed me: Miss Alia and I went out with Mr Abacha to open a new bank account. Our trip to the security company has been delayed now until tomorrow afternoon: apparently there is some small problem over the paperwork. Happily, Mr Abacha assures me that he knows a lawyer who will be able to sort everything out for us.

That leaves Miss Alia and I with the rest of today and tomorrow morning free. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't pursue two lines of business at once, but if you still want to do business with me, Mr Taylor, I suggest you start acting like a professional businessman for a change, rather than like a kiddie playing in his sandpit.

I have already given you my hotel's telephone number. Just in case you have had some kind of a mental breakdown, here it is again: 233 21 517556.

If you still want to pursue this business, call me at the hotel at once. And remember not to ask for Gilbert Murray or Janet Alia; the hotel knows us as Mike Hocsmall and Ivana Hoare. We are currently sitting in the hotel bar: ask the chap on reception to put you through to me there.

Alternatively, seeing as you seem to be having some problems with the Ghanaian telephone system yourself, why not pop down and see me in person? Miss Alia and I will be here in the bar for the next couple of hours at least.

I am waiting... but I warn you that my patience is fast running out.

Gilbert Murray MP

From: Lucky Taylor

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: you be maya

Sent: Fri, 21 Apr 2006 08:23:25 -0700 (PDT)

you be big fool i nor go airpot go waith you you just dat wits your time so go and kill your sif lollllllllllllllllll

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Lucky Taylor

Subject: I can see now that you have indeed suffered some kind of a mental breakdown

Sent: Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:44:16

Mr Taylor,

Having read your last email, I can see now that you have indeed suffered some kind of a mental breakdown. If you ask me, you've probably spent too much time cooped up in your hotel room watching dirty movies. They do say that it rots the brain. Well yours is certainly rotten to the core.

Or perhaps your mental breakdown has been caused by the intense frustration that you must have felt over the past few days, as you travelled backwards and forwards to the airport and the hotel in a vain attempt to meet up with me.

Or perhaps you are just naturally dimwitted. Who knows?

I'd like to say that it's been a pleasure doing business with you... but I can't, because it hasn't.

I have to go: I have matters of real importance to deal with. Ta ta for now, my dear fellow.

Gilbert Murray MP