In which the improbably-named Dr Shaky Musah asks for Gilbert's assistance in removing a large amount of money from a dead bank customer's account. Gilbert is only too happy to respond: after all, circuses are very expensive things to run, and Gilbert Murray's Flying Circus is running out of money - and acts - fast.

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray - ringmaster and owner of Gilbert Murray's Flying Circus.
Dr Shaky Musah - allegedly Auditor General at a Nigerian bank.
Dr Ramford Dowell - allegedly an official working for a security company in Amsterdam.

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL

Sent: Tue, 11 May 2004 20:14:09 -0700

Dear sir,

We might be strangers to ourselves now but as time goes on in case you are willing to assist me in making this proposal a reality, we will now probably meet in person.

We want to transfer to an overseas account $32,000,000 (thirty-two million United States dollars) from a prime bank here in Nigeria. I want to ask you if you can look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new bank account immediately to receive this money. Even an empty account can serve to receive this money, as long as you will remain honest to me till the end for this important business, trusting in you and believing in God that you will never let me down, either now or in future.

I am the Auditor General of one of the prime banks here in Nigeria. During the course of our auditing, I discovered a floating fund in an account opened in the bank in 1996 and since 1998 nobody has operated on this account again. After going through some old files in the records, I discovered that the owner of the account died without an heir or will. Hence the money is floating and if I do not remit this money out urgently, it will be forfeited for nothing. The owner of this account is PEDRO F HASLER, a foreigner, a great industrialist, and he died in 1998. No other person knows about this account or anything concerning it, the account has no other beneficiary and my investigation proved to me as well that until his death he was the Manager of Gold Ark PTY, SA.

We will start the first transfer with twelve million dollars ($12,000,000). Upon the success of this transaction without any disappointment from your side, we shall re-apply for the payment of the remaining amount to your account.

The total amount involved is thirty-two million United States dollars only ($32,000,000). I want to first transfer $12,000,000 from this money into a safe foreigner's account abroad before the rest. But I don't know any foreigners. I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money cannot be approved to a local person here without a valid international foreign passport, but can only be approved to any foreigner with a valid international passport or driver's licence and foreign account, because the money is in US dollars and the former owner of the account is a foreigner too, and the money can only be approved into a foreign account.

However, we will sign a binding agreement, to bind us together when we meet face to face after the first transfer of $12 million, before transferring the second part of $20 million. I am revealing this to you with belief in God that you will never let me down in this business. You are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently. Send also your private telephone and fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the deposit.

I want us to meet face to face to build confidence and to sign a binding agreement that will bind us together immediately after the first transfer before we fly to your country for withdrawal, sharing and investments.

I need your full co-operation to make this work fine because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has the correct information of this account, which I will give to you upon your positive response and once I am convinced that you are capable and will meet up with the instructions of a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business. I need your strong assurance that you will never, never let me down.

With my influence and my position in the bank, the bank official can transfer this money to any foreigner's reliable account that you can provide, with an assurance that this money will be intact pending our physical arrival in your country for sharing. The bank official will destroy all documents of the transaction immediately we receive this money, leaving no trace to any place. To build confidence, you can call me for a heart to heart discussion through my private satellite phone which I secured for the security and safety of this business, as you know that this business is confidential. I will use my position and influence to obtain all legal approvals for the onward transfer of this money to your account with appropriate clearance from the relevant ministries and foreign exchange departments.

At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 20% of the total amount. 75% will be for me, while 5% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transfer.

I look forward to your earliest reply through this email address.

Thanks and God bless.

Yours truly,

Dr Shaky Musah

NB. Definitely, a transaction of this magnitude needs funds to execute it and make it a reality. Before I contacted you, I have already made a feasibility study on how much we would need to carry out this project and it is about $35,000.

Do not be alarmed, you are not going to spend any fund of yours because before I contacted you, I have already made an arrangement with an investor in Canada who is going to assist us with the funds needed for us to complete the transaction.

If you are interested, immediately give me your telephone/fax number and contact address for me to give to the investor to contact you and send the funds needed for us to complete the transaction.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: In response to your email

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 17:35:26

Dear Dr Shaky,

I have just read the email you sent to me, outlining your most intriguing proposal. I do not know how you obtained my personal email address, or what made you write to me on this matter. However, it seems to me that you're in need of a decent, honest and straightforward chap, with an eye for a good deal and who knows when to keep his mouth shut. Well congratulations, Dr Shaky: in me you have found just such a man.

I am extremely interested in finding out some more about your proposal. I thought that the details you gave in your last email were somewhat sketchy. Provide me with some more information on this matter, and I'll give it my urgent consideration.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: In response to your email

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 01:46:18 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you very much for your response to my mail and your willingness to assist me in this transaction.

Please do go back and read my first mail to you, because it is very explicit and tells you all about the origin of this transaction. All I need you to help me do is write a claim to the bank as the beneficiary to the funds of the deceased and everything will be okay with me at the bank.

However, before that, you have to be the beneficiary of the funds the investor is going to assist us with, after which you are to immediately transfer them over to me to get some outstanding bills settled over here. Presently, the investor is somewhere in North America, Canada to be precise, and it will be easier for you to get the money from him than myself.

Please send me your private telephone number for easy communication between us and I shall send it to the investor who shall call you and let you know how you shall get the money. I await your immediate response. You may also call me immediately on 234-1-8121041 or 234-8037274345.

I await you urgent response and do not forget to let me have your telephone number.

Dr Shaky Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I will re-examine your initial email

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 19:04:21

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. I will do as you suggest and re-examine the email you initially sent to me.

My main area of confusion relates to the role of the third party investor: the one in Canada. In your initial email, I was sure you said that I was the only person you had contacted about this matter. But if you have got another investor involved, surely this makes me the second person? Also, if the other investor is a Canadian (and therefore a foreigner), why do you need me at all?

I always think that in business it is better to clear up any potential misunderstandings at the outset, to avoid any problems later on. I am sure you agree this is sensible. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could enlighten me on this matter.

You asked for my telephone number. It is 01927 58367. I look forward to hearing from you, and hopefully to working with you on this transaction to our mutual benefit.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I will re-examine your initial email

Sent: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:11:07 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

I tried to call you yesterday but could not as I do not have your country code number. Please let me know your country, state and their code numbers. I await your urgent response.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Sorry about the confusion

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 18:34:28

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry that you have not been able to get through to me. I did not realise that you did not know which country I was emailing from. I am based in the UK. I am sorry, but I am not too well up on telephoning other countries, so I do not know the international dialling code. I am sure that you will be able to find it in a telephone book.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to devote any time to this transaction this weekend. I own and run a circus (I also act as the ringmaster), and we are travelling up to Yorkshire this weekend to give a performance on Saturday night. I will be leaving quite soon, in fact. So it is probably not worth telephoning me until early next week. However, please be assured that after this weekend I will be able to devote a lot more time to the success of this transaction.

It strikes me that we do not actually know much about one another. I would appreciate it if you could let me know a little more about yourself: your family, hobbies, etc, so that we can get to know each other better. When I return from Yorkshire I will do the same. I always think the personal touch makes business much more pleasurable, and a little more personal knowledge will help us to build up trust between each other.

I look forward to receiving some more personal information about you. Wishing you a most pleasant weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Sorry about the confusion

Sent: Sun, 16 May 2004 01:21:53 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

How are you and members of your family? I hope they are okay? I had a hectic week in the office.

There is not much I have to tell you about myself. I am 44 years old and married to Rakiya (38 years old). We are blessed with three children: Aaron, Adamu and Zainab, who are still very young. I love reading and travelling. These are all I feel you asked for and if there are other things you want to know about me, do let me know. Also, do tell me some more about yourself. I await your response.

Presently, the funds have been deposited in a security company and shall be taken to a branch office of the security company in Europe where you shall go and make claims as the legal beneficiary of the funds. Please email me your response.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: More information about myself

Sent: Sun, 16 May 2004 19:03:26

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email, and for providing me with some more information about yourself. I hope you wife and children are all in the best of health.

As for me, I am 52 years old, married to Elizabeth, with a son aged 8 called Gilbert Jnr. I live in a small, remote Lincolnshire village called Gypping in the Marsh.

As I mentioned in my last email, I own and run a circus: Gilbert Murray's Flying Circus. The circus has been in my family for generations, and I inherited it from my father, Gilbert Snr, twelve years ago. We travel around the country giving performances, and as well as being the owner, I also act as the ringmaster. It is an unusual profession, but an extremely satisfying one. I love seeing the looks of delight on all the kiddies' faces when they see the clowns' antics, and their looks of awe when they see the lion tamer and the fire eater.

Unfortunately, the circus is going through rather a difficult time at the moment. Many children nowadays seem to be more interested in Playstations and X-Boxes and what have you than in seeing a traditional circus, so our takings have been falling year after year. I am hoping that this transaction will enable me to breathe new life into the circus, with a grand scheme of new investment.

Our performance last night in Yorkshire did not go terribly well. The big top was only half-full, and I was very disappointed by the performance of our new flying trapeze artists, the Flying Garibaldis. Last night was their first performance with us: I took them on to replace my previous trapeze artist who fractured three vertebrae in an accident during his last performance - this is a traditional circus, so we do not use nets. I had thought that the Flying Garibaldis would be a good replacement, but their act is disappointingly tame. I will have to have a word with them and tell them that they need to introduce some more thrilling, dangerous stunts if they are to keep the crowd amused.

Sorry, I digress. Regarding the transaction, I really would appreciate it if you could let me have some more information on this Canadian investor who will be funding things: I would like to know who I am doing business with. I am sure you can understand my caution.

Also, you say that the money is now lodged with a security company. Does this mean that you have managed to get the fund out of the dead customer's bank account already? This is marvellous news: I thought this would be difficult. How on earth did you manage that, my dear chap?

I look forward to your response. I have a feeling in my bones that this transaction is going to work out very well.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: More information about myself

Sent: Mon, 17 May 2004 19:43:24 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks a lot for your swift response. How was the weekend? You are dealing directly with me but I just had to let you know that there was an investor financing this transaction because at the end of the transaction, he will be entitled to part of this money and he may come to you to mind his share and also in the course of this transaction, you may need to collect money from him for us to finance this transaction. Please do let me know when precisely you shall be able to travel and make claims for this money because by the grace of God the money shall be in the branch office of the security company this weekend.

I was able to do this out of my tireless efforts to see to the success of this transaction. In fact I had to sell one of my properties in the eastern parts of the country to get some bills settled here in Nigeria before this money was moved. Please do let me know as soon as possible when will be convenient for you to travel. I await your urgent response.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I am somewhat confused

Sent: Mon, 17 May 2004 14:43:26

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. I have to say, I am somewhat confused about things. First of all you said that the money was in a Nigerian bank account. Now you say that you have lodged the money with a security company. Why this complication? I would have thought it would have been easier to transfer the money directly from the Nigerian account into my own bank account. Now you are telling me that I will have to travel to Europe in order to pick up the money. Surely this complicates matters?

Also, the matter of the Canadian investor. You still have not given me any information on this person. I am sorry, Dr Shaky, but I am a great believer in knowing all the facts before I commit myself to anything. As my father always told me, "always keep your eyes open and your braces tight". I must know who this person is before I go any further. You may know this gentleman, but I do not. Can the man be trusted with a transaction of this magnitude? The last thing I want to do is to get involved with anyone remotely dodgy.

On top of this, you told me at first that I would be entitled to 20% of the total amount. Is this still the case if this Canadian chap gets involved? He's bound to want a share of the cake too. Will this mean I end up with less?

You also said that I would have to contact this investor and get some money off him. Do I still need to do this now that you have sold one of your properties? If so, how?

I am sorry to raise all these questions, Dr Shaky, but I really am not clear about exactly what we are going to do to get our hands on this money. I would be grateful if you could answer my questions and clarify things.

Regarding a potential trip to Europe, luckily we are not travelling anywhere with the circus over the next few weeks, so I should be able to nip over to Europe for a day or two at fairly short notice if required. We always set up the big top in the village in the middle of May and perform for the locals for a few weeks before taking the circus back on the road again in June. The men are busy putting up the big top for tonight's performance right at this moment.

I had a word with the Flying Garibaldis earlier today regarding their act. I laid it on the line to them, and told them that if they didn't spice up their act with more daring stunts, they were out. The flying trapeze artists are one of the highlights of the show, and today's audiences demand ever more thrilling and dangerous stunts. The Garibaldis reluctantly agreed, and promised that they would practise some more audacious stunts for tonight's show. I want thrills and danger from my flying trapeze artists. The show's the thing. If the Garibaldis are not willing to risk life and limb for the audience, they can start looking for another job.

Tell me, Dr Shaky, are you a fan of the circus yourself? We have travelled all around Europe with our show, but we have never been to Africa. Is there a circus tradition in Africa, or is it a European thing?

I look forward to your response. Please, Dr Shaky, try to explain exactly what we have to do, and put an end to my confusion.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Is everything alright?

Sent: Tue, 18 May 2004 12:24:36

Dear Dr Shaky,

I am disappointed that you have not yet responded to the queries I put to you yesterday. I am keen to move forward with this transaction, but I hope you will appreciate that I need to be confident about what I am doing first: hence my questions to you.

You may be interested to hear that the opening night of the circus in Gypping in the Marsh went marvellously well last night. The Flying Garibaldis had obviously taken note of what I had said to them: their act was considerably more thrilling than it had been on Saturday night, and although they looked rather nervous performing some of the more risky stunts, they carried off the show magnificently. The crowd loved it. I was extremely pleased.

Please get back to me as soon as you can with answers to my queries. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I am somewhat confused

Sent: Tue, 18 May 2004 19:32:08 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

You do not have to be confused. As for the money you talked about, that was in Nigeria and is now lodged in a security company. I did this because of you. I thought it will be easier for you to reach the security company in Europe than transferring the money from here in Nigeria. If the fund is to be transferred from here by bank to bank transfer, you may need to come over to Nigeria if your signature is needed. Now all you need do is go over to the security company and ask for your consignment that I lodged in the company. I am optimistic that before the end of this week, the money should have reached Europe and it is likely they would get in contact with you to go over to collect it. I want you to mail me immediately telling me when you can travel over to collect this money.

As for the investor, I was introduced to him by a reliable person who assured me that he is reliable. You are still entitled to your 20% and I am going to reward the investor at the end of this transaction, depending on how much he does invest in this transaction. For now I cannot say if you will have to collect money from the financier as regards this transaction as I have made some settlements over here financially. We have to watch out and see what happens. Everything will work out as soon as possible by God's grace. Please email me immediately to let me know when will be convenient for you to travel to Europe. I await your urgent response.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Regarding the security company

Sent: Tue, 18 May 2004 17:03:29

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email, and for attempting to explain things. I think I get the picture now. It still all seems rather complicated to me though.

You say that the money is now lodged with a security company, who are transporting it to Europe. Whereabouts in Europe are they planning to move it to?

Do you think there is any chance they could deliver it directly to my door? That would certainly be the easiest option as far as I am concerned. $12 million must weigh quite a bit, and although I'm not a small man, I'm not exactly built like the Mighty McVitie. Surely I would have problems carting that much cash about once I'd collected it from the security company?

The Mighty McVitie is our circus strongman, by the way. He's a huge man: built like an ox. One of his specialities is running around the ring with an anvil hanging from his teeth, a member of the audience under each arm and with our two clowns, Jammy and Dodger, on his back. He is a impressive sight, I can tell you.

Let me know whether you think it will be necessary for me to fly to Europe, and if so, where to.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: A dreadful accident

Sent: Wed, 19 May 2004 10:39:21

Dear Dr Shaky,

I have had a terrible night. The circus opened last night for the second of its traditional May performances in Gypping in the Marsh. The big top was packed, and the audience was in a marvellous mood. The performance went extremely well, until it was time for the climax of the show: the Flying Garibaldis on the flying trapeze.

Their act started off well. Once again, I was pleased to see that they had taken note of what I had said, and their act was once again extremely exciting: they were making incredibly tricky and brave moves up there on the trapeze. There were gasps of awe and cheers of excitement from the crowd as the Flying Garibaldis flung themselves through the air with style, confidence and daring.

And then it all went horribly wrong. Maria Garibaldi hung upside-down from her knees on one of the trapezes, ready to catch her brother, Vincenzo, as he prepared to execute a particularly tricky triple somersault with double twist. The audience held their breath in excitement as Vincenzo swung back and forwards high above their heads, gaining more and more speed in preparation for the stunt. And then the moment came. Vincenzo leaped into the air, somersaulted three times and twisted twice... and Maria completely failed to catch him. The crowd screamed in fear as Vincenzo plummetted down to earth.

To make matters worse, Vincenzo's momentum carried him far beyond the circus ring, and he landed with a terrible crash in the middle of the audience. It was an awful scene. Where Vincenzo had landed, there was carnage. Vincenzo himself was dead - he broke his neck when he hit the audience and must have died instantly. Unfortunately, his fall also injured six members of the audience; two of them severely. An ambulance was called, and the injured people were rushed off to hospital. I later heard that the four lightly-injured people were discharged from the hospital in the middle of the night, but two people are still in intensive care. As for Vincenzo, we called the local undertaker, who arrived in no time and took away his broken and bloody body.

Maria Garibaldi was inconsolable with grief at the loss of her brother. She wailed and cried bitterly as his lifeless body was taken away in the hearse. Very excitable, these Latin types. Mind you, she wailed and cried even louder when I told her she was sacked. Terrible shame, but you can't afford to carry anybody in this business. Especially a butter-fingered trapeze artist who can't catch for toffee.

This leaves me in a bit of a dilemma. I am now without a grand finale for tonight's show, and I won't be able to get hold of another trapeze artist at such short notice. I am thinking of asking Monsieur Bourbon, the lion tamer, to put on an extra-special show for tomorrow night, and using that as the finale. I will have to ask him to make it an especially exciting act if it's to take place of the flying trapeze. I'm sure he'll come up with something.

Let me know about the security company. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I am becoming concerned by your lack of communication

Sent: Wed, 19 May 2004 16:55:52

Dear Dr Shaky,

I am becoming concerned by your lack of communication. I asked you a question regarding the security company yesterday, and I have still not received a reply from you. You're not trying to cut me out of this deal in favour of that Canadian chap are you? I hope not, Dr Shaky. We are supposed to be business partners.

I believe there are two things that differentiate successful business partnerships from unsuccessful ones: trust, communication, and strict attention to detail. While we seem to have established trust between ourselves successfully, I'm not entirely convinced that you're doing your best on the communication front. The success of this transaction is extremely important to me: without it, I will not be able to fund my circus adequately in the future, and that circus is my livelihood. I would therefore ask that you start treating this transaction with a degree more urgency, and start responding to my queries in good time.

It has been a terrible day here in Gypping in the Marsh. Following last night's accident, the big top has been crawling with police, local council officers, and people from the Health and Safety Executive. Interfering busybodies. I've been told on more than one occasion that had I installed a safety net, Vincenzo Garibaldi's life could have been saved. Fools. They don't seem to be able to grasp the fact that a circus needs fear and excitement. Without that, the circus is nothing. I can't wrap my performers up in cotton wool, for God's sake. What would be the point in that?

Unfortunately, Vincenzo broke three of the seats in the big top when he fell last night. We can't use them tonight, so we've lost three ticket sales, and they're going to have to be replaced. That's coming out of Maria Garibaldi's final wage packet, I can tell you now.

On a more positive note, Monsieur Bourbon has been practising with his lions all afternoon, and assures me that he will provide me with a finale for the show tonight that will have the audience on the edges of their seats. I hope he's right. Action and excitement, that's what the crowd want. And it's my job to give it to them.

Get back to me by return with answers to my queries regarding the security company.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I am becoming concerned by your lack of communication

Sent: Thu, 20 May 2004 19:12:13 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

I am very sorry for my silence. I travelled shortly on an official assignment to Ghana. I have just seen your emails.

The name of the security company is TRUST DEPOSIT SECURITIES AND FINANCE, AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS.

Tel: 31625148512

Fax: 31205248206

Email: admin@tdsf-online.zzn.com

Contact: Dr Ramford Dowell

Private email: ramforddowell@spinfinder.com

Please call the security company as soon as possible and find out how you are to get this consignment containing the money from them. Please, I await your urgent response confirming that you have contacted the company.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I am relieved to have heard from you

Sent: Thu, 20 May 2004 12:35:52

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. I am extremely relieved to have heard from you. When you stopped emailing I feared that something dreadful had happened to you, or that you had pushed me out of this transaction in favour of this shady Canadian character. I am delighted to see that this is not the case.

May I suggest, Dr Shaky, that if you are going to be unavailable for any length of time, you let me know beforehand? That would have saved all my worrying.

Things are not going well here. I can barely believe what happened last night. After the dreadful accident involving the Flying Garibaldis on Tuesday night, cruel fate dealt us another blow: we suffered another terrible accident during last night's performance.

Once again, it was during the finale of the show. Monsieur Bourbon, the lion tamer, had promised to close the show with the performance of his life. Well, he certainly gave us a performance that he will never be able to better. Unfortunately, he wowed the audience not only with the performance of his life, but with the last performance of his life.

Things were going fine, as they always do during his performances. He always keeps his three lions drugged up to the eyeballs, so there is never any danger of them harming him. They're so doped up that it's all they can do to stand up without falling over. Last night Monsieur Bourbon rounded off his performance by placing the three lions around him. He placed each of his hands into a lion's mouth, then got Lenny, the largest of the three, to open his mouth wide, and he placed his head right between Lenny's gaping jaws. The crowd gasped with astonishment.

And then Lenny sneezed. Maybe he had a slight chill... maybe it was the drugs... maybe a fly landed on his nose. Who can tell? Whatever the cause, the result was terrible. As he sneezed, Lenny took Monsieur Bourbon's head clean off with one bite.

There was pandemonium in the audience. The people sat nearest the horrific sight were physically sick. A near riot ensued, as the entire audience tried to get out of the big top at the same time.

Things cannot get much worse for me at the moment. Not only have I lost another one of my star performers, the man owed me 500. I won't be seeing that money again.

Once again, the place is full of police and other interfering busybodies today. This is the last thing I need. I have to concentrate on finding a new finale for tonight's show, and it is hard to do that with all these nosey parkers crawling around the place. I think I will have to ask Mr Tunnocks, the sword-swallower, to come up with something special for the end of tonight's show. I am fast running out of options.

Sorry, I digress. I apologise, but I am under a lot of stress at the moment. Back to business. I need to contact the security company. How should I introduce myself to them? Are they aware of who I am? And, importantly, how much do they know about this whole business? I would hate to give the game away by being indiscreet, so please advise me on what to tell them, and what not to tell them. I will contact them as soon as I hear back from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Please respond to my queries in a timely manner

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 07:08:34

Dear Dr Shaky,

Yet again, I send you a query and receive no response from you.

Kindly treat this business with a degree more urgency, or I shall be forced to look elsewhere for the funds I need to revitalise my circus: I received a very interesting proposal from a Mr Abacha only last night, which I will be tempted to follow up if we do not start making more progress with this transaction.

To repeat my question, how much does the security company know about the nature of this transaction? I am unsure how much information to give away, and need to you advise me what tell them: I do not want to give the game away by being indiscreet.

Get back to me at once please.

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Please respond to my queries in a timely manner

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 17:14:17 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today? Once again I am sorry for my late response to your mail.

The security company know nothing about our transaction, all they know is that I deposited the money with their company and you are the beneficiary of the money. Please do get in contact with them immediately.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: Regarding a consignment of mine

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 12:05:51

Dear Dr Dowell,

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gilbert Murray. I am writing to you concerning a consignment that I gather is currently held within your security company.

The consignment contains $12 million that has been siphoned out of a dead person's Nigerian bank account by my colleague, Dr Shaky Musah, one of the bank's auditors. Dr Shaky, who deposited this consignment with you, tells me that it has recently been moved from Nigeria to Amsterdam.

As the legal beneficiary of this $12 million, I would therefore like you to transport the consignment to me at my home address, which is Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK.

Please contact me to arrange delivery of this consignment.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I have contacted the security company

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 13:29:58

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. Are you alright, my friend? I was worried that you were ill or something.

I am pleased to tell you that I have contacted the security company. I will let you know when they get back to me.

Incidentally, last night's performance went without a hitch, to my great relief. However, Mr Tunnocks' sword-swallowing act wasn't quite as dramatic as I had hoped. I have asked him to give a more thrilling performance to end tonight's show.

Wishing you a very pleasant weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have contacted the security company

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 22:18:30 +0800

Gilbert,

Do let me know how you got in contact with them. Was it by phone, email or fax? I do think a telephone call would have been better and faster. Do let me know now.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I contacted the security company by email

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 15:40:23

Dear Dr Shaky,

I contacted the security company by email. I would have telephoned Dr Dowell, but unfortunately one of our workmen accidentally brought down some telephone wires during the erection of the big top on Monday, so the telephones in the village are out of order at the moment. We've been in contact with the telephone company and they're hoping to rectify matters next week sometime. Unfortunately, being so remote, they obviously do not see Gypping in the Marsh as a priority.

I am quite fortunate in that I send and receive email via a satellite link, otherwise I would have been completely unobtainable this week.

Are you doing anything pleasant over the weekend? I will be very busy here: as well as our show tonight, we are giving two shows each day on Saturday and Sunday. We should pull in some excellent crowds, even though our headline acts aren't performing (for obvious reasons).

I've also got a meeting with an official from the Health and Safety Executive tomorrow. He's written up a report following this week's accidents and will be presenting his findings to me. I'm not looking forward to that, I can tell you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. As you're a doctor, I wonder if you could help me out? I have this strange pain in my left knee, and it sort of clicks when I bend it. Any ideas?

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Regarding a consignment of mine

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 08:52:28 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert,

The consignment can be transported by diplomatic baggage to your country but you will have to bear the cost of delivery, send to us documents to show that you have been mandated and your valid address.

Meanwhile as soon as we receive the cost of delivery we will proceed and we will intimate you the delivery procedure and time.

Sincerely,

Ramford Dowell

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: Re: Regarding a consignment of mine

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 17:12:23

Dear Dr Dowell,

Thank you for your email. Could you please clarify what you mean by "documents to show that you have been mandated"? I do not understand what sort of documents you mean.

As for my address, please refer to my last email.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Dr Dowell has been in touch

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 17:20:11

Dear Dr Shaky,

A quick note to let you know that Dr Dowell has been in touch. He has asked me to send him some documents. I'm not quite sure what he's after, so I've asked him for clarification.

I'll get back to you when we've made some progress.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Regarding a consignment of mine

Sent: Fri, 21 May 2004 13:22:48 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

We will need from you a certificate of deposit and letter of authorisation. A fee of 9,500.00 Euros.

Regards,

Ramford Dowell

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: Regarding the documents you require and your fee

Sent: Sat, 22 May 2004 09:39:04

Dear Dr Dowell,

Thank you for your email. I will contact my associate, Dr Shaky, and obtain the certificate of deposit and letter of authorisation that you need. I should be able to get these to you sometime next week.

In the meantime, perhaps you could explain to me how it can possibly cost 9,500 Euros to transport my consignment from Amsterdam to Lincolnshire? I own and run a travelling circus, and when we toured Europe last year it cost considerably less than that to transport the entire circus, big top, horses, lions, elephants and all, across to Europe and back.

I'll get back to you with the documents you require. You get back to me with a more sensible fee.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: The security company

Sent: Sat, 22 May 2004 09:44:36

Dear Dr Shaky,

Dr Dowell from the security company tells me that I need to send him a certificate of deposit and a letter of authorisation. Presumably you have these documents. Please send them to me and I will forward them on to Dr Dowell.

Dr Dowell is also asking for a fee of 9,500 Euros to transport the consignment from Amsterdam to my door. This is outrageous: it's more than it cost me to transport my entire circus over to Europe last year.

What on earth made you choose such an expensive security company? Did you specifically look for one with sky-high fees? Perhaps they have gold-plated bullion vans. I can't think of any other reason for their fees to be so high.

I'm sure they're trying it on. But don't worry, Dr Shaky; I have our best interests at heart. I have told Dr Dowell to get back to me with a more reasonable figure.

Get back to me with the documents as soon as you can.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Any ideas on what might be causing the pain in my knee? It's particularly bad this morning.

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: The security company

Sent: Sat, 22 May 2004 22:20:06 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you very much so far. When I get to the office on Monday, I shall let you have these documents because I left them in the office.

I want you to immediately send me your full address as we have to act very fast now and round up with this transaction immediately.

Also do let me have all the mails you have sent to Dr Dowell and all he has sent to you. Please do let me have them today. I await your urgent response.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I will forward on Dr Dowell's emails

Sent: Sat, 22 May 2004 17:54:28

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. I will forward on the emails I have exchanged with Dr Dowell.

I have not had a good day. Although the circus performances have gone relatively well so far this weekend, Mr Tunnocks' sword-swallowing act is still not exciting enough as a finale. Some of the audience looked bored during the finale of this afternoon's matinee performance. I will see if I can get him to make his act even more daring and exciting for tonight's show.

On top of this, my meeting with the Health and Safety Executive did not go well. They inspected everything in the circus, and have threatened to close us down unless I implement a long list of safety enhancements. According to them, our animals aren't caged securely enough, performers and audience are both at risk from inadequate or missing safety equipment... they don't know what they're talking about if you ask me. This is showbusiness. However, apparently I have no option but to carry out their demands. This is going to cost a lot of money, so I really do need this transaction to succeed.

Anyway, hopefully tonight's performance will be better than this afternoon's was.

I look forward to receiving the documents from you on Monday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: The security company

Sent: Sun, 23 May 2004 04:49:10 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

You have not sent me your address as I asked you. Please, I am waiting for your address right now. I await your response.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: My address

Sent: Sat, 22 May 2004 22:50:41

Dear Dr Shaky,

I did not send you my address separately as it was included in one of my emails to Dr Dowell that I forwarded on to you. I assumed that you would read the emails and get the address from that.

For the sake of clarity, my address is Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I look forward to receiving the documents from you on Monday.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You have not got back to me regarding the problem I have with my knee. It's really been painful today. I would very much appreciate your advice as a doctor, my friend.

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Fees

Sent: Sun, 23 May 2004 23:03:49 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Please understand that this is a Grade A package and cannot be compared with what you transported. It is coming via diplomatic baggage to you. So many protocols such as security and others have to be observed. Besides, there is the demurrage cost for the consignment, transportation costs and the handling fees.

That is the stipulated fee for the consignment. Kindly make the fees available to our account officer by Western Union money transfer as stated below.

Name: Iyke Nicholas

Address: Kleiburg 245A, Amsterdam 1235th, Netherlands

Please, you MUST have your valid identification ready because without it the consignment will not be handed over to you.

I await the documents for our verification.

Sincerely,

Ramford Dowell

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: Re: Fees

Sent: Mon, 24 May 2004 08:56:30

Dear Dr Dowell,

Thank you for your email. I trust that you had a pleasant weekend.

I fully understand the nature of the consignment that you are going to transport over to me. However, the fees still seem unusually high. In transporting my circus over to Europe, we also had to consider issues such as security: one does not transport lions and tigers without a good deal of security, I can assure you. I would have thought that providing security for one single trunk box, completely devoid of claws and teeth, would be considerably less expensive that providing security for an entire circus.

You also mention "demurrage cost for the consignment, transportation costs and the handling fees" in your email. Kindly break down the amount you are charging into its constituent parts so that I can see precisely how you have arrived at the figure of 9,500 Euros. I have never paid an invoice before without knowing exactly how the total sum has been arrived at, and I do not intend to start now. Perhaps once you have provided me with a detailed breakdown of the amount, I will be able to understand why the total figure is so high.

Regarding the documents you require, I will get them to you as soon as possible.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Dr Dowell's fee

Sent: Mon, 24 May 2004 11:03:27

Dear Dr Shaky,

Dr Dowell has replied to me this morning. He is still insisting that he needs us to pay 9,500 Euros before he will release the consignment. I have asked him to provide me with a detailed breakdown of the fee, so I can see exactly what he is charging us for. I'm confident that I'll be able to knock him down a bit: I'm sure he'll be open to a bit of negotiation. I'll let you know how I get on with the man. Don't worry, Dr Shaky. I've got our best interests at heart. I'll do my best to save us some money.

How are you coming along with the documents I need? Do you think you'll be able to get them to me today?

More bad news at the circus, I'm afraid. I've lost another headline act. Mr Tunnocks did as I asked and jazzed up his sword-swallowing act for me. Unfortunately, swallowing three cutlasses at the same time proved too much for the man, and he managed to puncture a lung. That didn't go down well with the audience at last night's performance, I can tell you. That leaves me without a headline act for tonight's show, and looking for another sword-swallower. I don't suppose you happen to know any?

I'm going to see if Big Chief Arrowroot, the Red Indian knife-thrower, can lay on a special act with his assistant Marie. Well, I call him "Red Indian"... he's actually from Scunthorpe. But this is showbusiness.

I look forward to receiving the documents from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Dr Dowell's fee

Sent: Mon, 24 May 2004 18:54:28 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

I have just reached my office right now. How am I to send the documents to you? Through email or by fax? And if by fax, I do not have your fax number. However, do tell Dr Dowell that he will receive the documents tomorrow because I shall let you have them today and it may be too late before you send them to him.

I have told you before regarding your health problems, I am not a medical doctor but a PhD degree holder. That is why I am refered to as "Dr". Tell me how you want to receive the documents.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Please email me the documents

Sent: Mon, 24 May 2004 12:07:32

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. I apologise for troubling you with my medical problems: when I saw "Dr" in front of your name, I assumed that you were trained as a physician. I didn't realise you weren't a real doctor.

If we ever have accidents during a circus performance, I usually call on the audience to see if there is doctor in the house. It's a good job not just anyone with a PhD comes forward when I do so. Imagine the havoc a Doctor of Philosophy or a Doctor of Economics could wreak if left alone with an injured person. Not that a doctor of any sort would have been much help with Vincenzo Garibaldi or Monsieur Bourbon last week.

Regarding the documents. Please send them to me by email. The telephone company has still not reinstated the lines to the village, so faxing is not an option at the moment. If you send me them by email, I will be able to forward them on to Dr Dowell as soon as I receive them.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Do you think Dr Dowell is a real doctor? Maybe he might know what's wrong with my knee.

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Please email me the documents

Sent: Mon, 24 May 2004 23:30:15 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

Attached to this mail are copies of the certificate of deposit and the power of attorney. I do hope you see them clearly as I am having little problems with my computer.

These documents are what Mr Dowell wants from you. Please email me immediately to confirm receipt. I await your urgent response.

Dr Musah

The certificate of deposit
(Click to enlarge)

The power of attorney
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I have received the documents you sent

Sent: Mon, 24 May 2004 17:12:51

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for sending me the documents. I have printed them off and read through them. The certificate of deposit seems fine, but unfortunately the power of attorney has not been signed, by either you or your lawyer.

What I know about the law could be written on the back of a small postage stamp, but from past dealings I do know that an unsigned power of attorney is as much use as a chocolate trapeze. I can't send that on to Dr Dowell; without signatures, the document wouldn't stand up in a court of law. Sorry, my dear chap, but you will have to send me another one.

I'm surprised your lawyer made such an obvious cock-up. May I suggest that you consider finding yourself another lawyer? Making such an elementary blunder doesn't bode well for the future.

If you want to drop your own incompetent lawyer, I could recommend one I have used before, Mr Welsby, of the legal firm Elton & Welsby. He is a very decent chap and I trust him implicitly. He is thoroughly honest, and also charges a very fair fee. If you like, I could contact Mr Welsby at a moment's notice and ask him to swing into action on our behalf on this business. What do you reckon? Do let me know.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Fees

Sent: Mon, 24 May 2004 10:53:50 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Details of fees:

Administrative fees: 4,900.00 Euros
Transportation/security/others: 2,850.00 Euros
Tax and others: 1,750.00 Euros
TOTAL: 9,500.00 Euros

Sincerely,

Dr Ramford Dowell

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have received the documents you sent

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 05:01:35 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for the mail. If you say there is a problem with the power of attorney, it means my personal assistant was very careless. However, you may let Mr Dowell have the certificate of deposit and tell him that the power of attorney is in your possession but you are looking for it. Do that as soon as possible.

I do not need the services of another lawyer, as I already have one who stood as a witness while I deposited this money with the security company. This is the most important. He has it in his records.

When are you paying Dr Dowell the money to transport the funds to your house? Do let me know immediately.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: Regarding the breakdown of your fees

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 10:17:42

Dear Dr Dowell,

Thank you for providing me with the breakdown of fees that I asked you for. Although the breakdown is not as detailed as I had hoped for - in particular I am very disappointed by your use of the word "others" in the breakdown to cover miscellaneous costs that you have not listed in detail - I am prepared to work with it.

Working through the breakdown, I am happy enough with the costs for "transportation/security/others" and "tax and others" (there's that word "others" again). They seem reasonable, if slightly on the high side.

However, I am not most definitely not happy with the amount you have quoted me for "administrative fees". Your so-called "administrative fees" make up more than half the total amount!

I would like you to justify this obviously inflated fee to me please, Dr Dowell. Exactly what do these "administrative fees" cover? Precisely what "administration" is required for this transaction? As I see it, we are conducting this entire transaction via email, the cheapest form of international business communication yet invented. How can the "administration" for this transaction possibly amount to 4,900 Euros?

Forgive me for saying so, Dr Dowell, but it is plain to see that these "administrative fees" are inflated and completely unreasonable. I am perfectly happy to pay the transportation, security and tax fees you have quoted. And I am perfectly happy to pay a reasonable administration fee. But 4,900 Euros is clearly not a reasonable administration fee. I am not prepared to pay 4,900 Euros for your secretary to sit on her backside, staring out of the window and painting her nails while you tap out a few emails.

I am not an idiot, Dr Dowell; I am a hard-headed businessman, so please do not treat me as if I have just stepped off the boat. Get back to me by return with a REASONABLE administration fee and provide me with details of exactly what "administration" this fee covers, and we are in business.

Regarding the documentation you require, I now have the certificate of deposit in my possession. However, my colleague, Dr Shaky Musah, is having some difficulty getting his hands on a power of attorney (his lawyer forgot to sign the first one). As soon as I get a revised power of attorney from Dr Shaky, I will forward both documents on to you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Dr Dowell's fees

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 10:19:32

Dear Dr Shaky,

Dr Dowell has sent me a breakdown of the 9,500 Euros fee he is charging. Would you believe it, OVER HALF the total amount is taken up by so-called "administrative fees"?

As I thought, it is now clear that Dr Dowell is on the make. It is completely unreasonable to charge this amount for so-called "administration", especially when the cost of transportation and security only comes to 2,850 Euros.

I have responded to Dr Dowell and made my feelings clear to him on this matter. I have told the man to get back to me with a more reasonable figure. I am looking out for both of us, and for your Canadian investor, Dr Shaky: I am a hard-headed businessman, and I am simply not prepared to waste our money on outrageously inflated fees. When Dr Dowell gets back to me with a more reasonable "administrative fee" (I would have thought somewhere in the region of 1,000 Euros at the most), I will be ready to do business.

I am sure you will appreciate the fact that I am trying to save us both money, Dr Shaky. Why on earth did you choose to place the money with a security firm like this? Did you not look into their fee structure beforehand?

On the subject of the documents, I have told Dr Dowell that we are having trouble getting hold of the power of attorney document, following a slip-up by your lawyer, and that I will send him both documents when they are in my possession. Obviously, the sooner you can get a proper power of attorney to me, the sooner I can forward them on to Dr Dowell.

I am not entirely happy with the way things are turning out here, Dr Shaky. I do wish you hadn't involved this money-grabbing security company in the transaction. That decision of yours could cost us dear in the end.

Get the revised power of attorney to me as soon as you can, there's a good man. I'll let you know when Dr Dowell gets back to me.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Dr Dowell's fees

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 19:28:00 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

I do want you to go ahead and send the certificate of deposit to Dr Dowell. I do not think you should have told him we have a problem with the lawyer. You should simply have told him you were still looking for it in your files. Please do let him have the deposit certificate and pay him a reasonable amount to transport the money to you.

Depositing this money with the security company was the best option I had at the time I did. Please do let us round this up. It would have been proper if you could raise a reasonable amount, up to five or six thousand.

I await your response.

Dr Musah

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Fees

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 05:27:53 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

As a businessman you should not interfere with how other people run their business. You have asked for a breakdown of the fees and I have given it to you. How we run our affairs is entirely our business.

If you do not want to pay the required fees, there is absolutely nothing we can do. We need the documentation and your identification for verification.

Sincerely,

Ramford Dowell

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: Your fees

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 13:43:58

Dear Dr Dowell,

I am in receipt of your email. Frankly, I found it rude.

You are the one who is charging exhorbitant fees without specifying what they are for. I am asking you for clarification over precisely what these "administrative fees" are for. Kindly send it to me by return.

I have already explained to you that I am a hard-headed businessman, and no fool. Let me lay out the facts for you:

FACT: I have stated that I am willing to pay your fees for "transportation/security/others" and "tax and others".

FACT: I have stated that I am willing to pay a reasonable "administrative fee".

FACT: The "administrative fee" you have stated is unreasonable. It is clearly grossly inflated.

FACT: You are unwilling, or more likely unable, to justify this inflated "administrative fee".

I suggest that to move forward, we act like businessmen and come up with an acceptable compromise. I will be happy to pay you an "administrative fee" of 2,500 Euros, plus your other fees. And in doing this, I feel that I am being generous to you. I am not prepared to pay the original figure you quoted to me of 4,900 Euros. That would be absurd.

Let us strike a deal, Dr Dowell. As a fellow businessman, surely you will agree that negotiation makes the world go round.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Don't worry yourself

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 13:48:23

Dear Dr Shaky,

Don't worry yourself. I am currently in negotiation with Dr Dowell over his fees. I am sure we will be able to reach a compromise that we're both happy with.

I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, perhaps you could busy yourself over getting me that power of attorney that I need?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Your fees

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 08:17:32 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your mail. As a businessman there are so many bottlenecks here in the Netherlands. Transactions are taxed heavily because that is where the goverment makes their money. I will be willing to accept 3,200.00 Euros for we have given you a discount.

Thanks once again for your co-operation.

Regards,

Ramford Dowell

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: You have a deal, Dr Dowell

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 17:05:27

Dear Dr Dowell,

I was delighted to receive your email. I am pleased to accept your kind offer of a discount. You have a deal, Dr Dowell.

"Never pay the price on the biscuit tin," as my father used to say. I have always found that to be good advice. I trust that we are both happy now.

Just to clarify, taking your discount into account, I calculate that you now require the following fees:

Administrative fees: 3,200.00 Euros
Transportation/security/others: 2,850.00 Euros
Tax and others: 1,750.00 Euros
TOTAL: 7,800.00 Euros

Please get back to me and confirm that my understanding is correct, then we can start the ball rolling.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. As you're a doctor, I wonder if you could help me out on an unrelated matter? I have this throbbing pain in my left knee, and it clicks loudly when I bend it. Any ideas?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I have struck a deal with Dr Dowell

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 17:07:09

Dear Dr Shaky,

I am pleased to report that I have managed to strike a deal with Dr Dowell over the question of his fees. The good doctor has seen fit to offer us a discount, which I have accepted on our behalf. I told you I'd save us some money, didn't I?

I am just waiting for final confirmation from Dr Dowell as to the final amount he requires. Then all we need from you is the signed power of attorney document, and it's all systems go. I'm sure you'll agree, this is splendid news.

When do you think you'll be able to get the signed power of attorney to me, by the way? I assume your lawyer is working on it at this very moment.

On an equally positive note, I'm pleased to report that Big Chief Arrowroot, the Red Indian knife-thrower, gave a sparkling performance during the finale of the show last night. He astounded the crowd with his skill and accuracy. For the highlight of his act he strapped his assistant, Marie, to a revolving board and got a member of the audience to blindfold him and spin him round ten times. He then called for absolute silence, and threw fifteen razor-sharp hunting knives, in quick succession, at Marie's revolving body. When he had finished, the knives formed a perfect outline of Marie's body. The audience went wild!

At last, I seem to have found an act that can close the performance in an appropriate manner. Maybe things are looking up for the future of the circus, as well as for the future of our business transaction.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have struck a deal with Dr Dowell

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 01:33:51 +0800

What deal did you strike with Dr Dowell and how much are you sending finally to him?

My lawyer is preparing another document at the moment and I shall let you have it as soon as he is through in a few minutes from now.

Shaky Musah

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THE POWER OF ATTORNEY

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:06:35 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

Attached to this mail is a copy of the signed power of attorney. I do hope you see it clearly and also confirm receipt.

Once again, what is this deal you have struck with Dr Dowell?

Dr Musah

The second power of attorney
(Click to enlarge)

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: You have a deal, Dr Dowell

Sent: Tue, 25 May 2004 11:17:15 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

The fees stated are correct. We await the documentation.

Sincerely,

Ramford Dowell

PS. It is better you go and see a doctor.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: The documentation you require

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 10:04:03

Dear Dr Dowell,

Thank you for confirming the fee amount.

Regarding the documentation you require, I am experiencing some delays in obtaining the power of attorney. My associate, Dr Shaky, forwarded me another draft yesterday but unfortunately this one has not been signed correctly either, so this draft is useless too. I will contact Dr Shaky directly and ask him to send me a properly signed power of attorney as soon as he can. If you ask me, he should consider getting himself a new lawyer.

I apologise for the delay this is causing. Please be reassured that I will do all I can to resolve this problem as quickly as possible. I will get back to you as soon as I have all the documents you need.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Sorry for bothering you with my medical complaints, but Dr Shaky told me that you were a doctor. Is he mistaken?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: The power of attorney document

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 10:06:37

Dear Dr Shaky,

I received the revised power of attorney document that you sent me yesterday. Unfortunately, there is a problem with this one too. Although it has been signed in the appropriate place by your lawyer and by someone from the Ministry of Justice, it has not been signed by you. Even with my limited knowledge of legal matters, I can see that this omission completely invalidates the entire document. Therefore, I am afraid that I am going to have to ask you to obtain yet another power of attorney document - properly signed this time - and send it to me.

Incidentally, I noticed that the second draft of the document was dated the same as the first draft: 17th May. Surely this is incorrect? Please ensure that the third draft you send me is dated correctly: the date should be the date on which the three signatures are made and witnessed, otherwise the document will be invalid. If your lawyer manages to produce a third draft today, it should be dated with today's date, not 17th May.

Are you sure your lawyer is up to this job, Dr Shaky? He's making some fairly fundamental errors here with what should be a relatively simple job for someone in his profession. I hope you will make it clear to the man that our transaction is now being held up by his blundering incompetence.

Perhaps you would like to rethink your decision to carry on using this lawyer's services? I could contact Welsby and get him to take your lawyer's place immediately if you like. I can't recommend Welsby highly enough. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a broken lock on the tigers' cage and a minibus full of girl guides. Not only did Welsby manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award us costs against the bereaved families. Let me know if you'd like me to contact him.

You asked what deal I've struck with Dr Dowell. I'm pleased to say that after some hard bargaining, I've managed to negotiate a reduction in his fee. Instead of 9,500 Euros, he is now only charging us 7,800 Euros. A useful saving, I'm sure you'll agree.

Get the revised power of attorney to me as soon as you can, there's a good chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Ramford Dowell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: The documentation you require

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 03:00:12 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

How are you today? You can tell Dr Shaky to send either a letter of authorisation signed by him or the power of attorney. Any one of them will be acceptable.

You can forward to me the certificate of deposit and your identification so that we can start the release of the consignment. The fees can equally be sent.

Is that your authentic address? We will need your direct telephone number during the process of delivery.

Sincerely,

Ramford Dowell

PS: I AM NOT A DOCTOR IN MEDICINE BUT IN BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: The certificate of deposit

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 11:38:32

Dear Dr Dowell,

Please find attached the certificate of deposit. I will forward the second document on to you as soon as I have it in my possession.

You say you're a doctor of business administration? Sorry for the confusion. I assumed you were a proper doctor. If that's the case, I suppose you won't have any idea what's wrong with my knee then? Never mind.

Just to confirm, I would like the consignment to be delivered to my home address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK. Gypping in the Marsh is a rather remote village in the middle of the fens, but your delivery driver will find it approximately midway between Spatchcock and Fribberton Fen. Hemlock Cottage is a little difficult to find - Cold Harbour Lane is just north of the village, rather than in the village itself - but I will send you some detailed directions nearer the time.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: The power of attorney document

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 22:20:56 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

It is not necessary that I have my signature on that power of attorney. I want you to go ahead and send the documents to Dr Dowell. He surely would have confirmed already that I actually deposited the consignment in his branch office in Lagos, Nigeria. These documents I have sent you cost me so much and I cannot afford to pay for other amendments unless you are willing to assist me financially. Please do let me know. Send the documents immediately to Dr Dowell.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: I need a valid power of attorney from your useless lawyer

Sent: Wed, 26 May 2004 17:23:41

Dear Dr Shaky,

Thank you for your email. What do you mean, "it is not necessary that I have my signature on that power of attorney"? Of course it's necessary! This is a legal document we are talking about, and from my own previous brushes with the law I know full well that it is always necessary to dot the t's and cross the i's on legal documents.

To quote the power of attorney document:

"Signed, seal and delivered by the within named... principal: Dr Shaky Musah"

The document requires your signature. Without your signature, the document is invalid and useless.

The fact that Dr Dowell can confirm that you have deposited the money is irrelevant to this matter. I have forwarded the certificate of deposit to him. What the power of attorney does is give me the right to act as your "beneficiary and representative" and act in your name. Without a valid power of attorney, I will not be able to do this. And without your signature, the document you have sent me is not a valid power of attorney.

As for you not being able to afford to get another power of attorney document, you should not have to pay for one. Presumably these cock-ups are the fault of your lawyer. If the mistakes are his fault, get the lawyer to pay for the document. If I were you, I would come down on this useless lawyer like a ton of bricks. He sounds like he needs a kick up the backside.

Without a new power of attorney document from you, my hands are tied. Tell the lawyer he is holding us up, and get a new document to me as soon as possible. These delays are becoming extremely tiresome.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Please get me a new power of attorney by the end of the day

Sent: Thu, 27 May 2004 12:21:50

Dear Dr Shaky,

Do you think you will be able to get me a correctly-signed, correctly-dated power of attorney by the end of today? I am extremely keen for us not to hold up this transaction, which is dragging on now, thanks to the incompetence of your lawyer.

I will be unavailable for most of tomorrow, as I am travelling to Warwickshire to interview a pair of potential new trapeze artists who call themselves the Blue Ribands. Try as he might, Big Chief Arrowroot's knife-throwing act is just not exciting enough to use as the finale to a show. After tomorrow is the weekend, and then Monday is a bank holiday in the UK, so unless you get the revised power of attorney to me by the end of today, I won't be able to pass it on to Dr Dowell until next Tuesday.

Please do all you can to obtain a new power of attorney by the end of the day. And try to make sure that your lawyer gets it right this time: remind him that it needs to be signed by you and him, then countersigned by the Ministry of Justice, and dated with today's date.

I look forward to receiving it from you as soon as possible.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: An update on the situation

Sent: Thu, 27 May 2004 13:57:28

Dear Dr Dowell,

A quick email to let you know that I have asked my associate, Dr Shaky, to send me a properly signed and dated power of attorney as soon as possible. I will forward it on to you as soon as it arrives.

For your information, I will be unavailable tomorrow and Monday - I am travelling tomorrow and Monday is a bank holiday in the UK - so I am hoping that Dr Shaky will be able to get the power of attorney to me by the end of today. If not, I am afraid that I will not be able to pass it on to you until Tuesday.

Once again, please accept my apologies for this delay. I hope you can appreciate that it is not my fault, but that of my colleague's incompetent lawyer.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You mentioned in a previous email that you required some identification from me. Please let me know what identification would be acceptable to you and I will send it on.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Why the delay?

Sent: Thu, 27 May 2004 17:04:32

Dear Dr Shaky,

Why the delay in responding? I told you earlier today that I was going to be unavailable tomorrow, most of the weekend and Monday. I expected some action from you! I have been waiting here, poised like a human cannonball, waiting for you to send me a valid power of attorney document. As soon as I receive it from you, I will launch into action.

If the delay is being caused by your lawyer, please reconsider my offer to get the eminent Mr Welsby involved in this transaction. He has never let me down, and manages to leap over the hurdles and fences of the legal world quicker than a thoroughbred racehorse with ginger up its back passage.

Please, Dr Shaky, I urge you to take action as soon as you possibly can. You are now delaying this transaction. Kindly get back to me immediately and let me know what is going on.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell; Cc: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Will this power of attorney document suffice?

Sent: Fri, 28 May 2004 05:49:34

Dear Dr Dowell,

I am slightly concerned about my associate, Dr Shaky. I can't seem to get hold of him. This is worrying, as I am relying on Dr Shaky to send me a valid power of attorney document. Without that, we can't move forward.

All Dr Shaky has sent me so far is the attached power of attorney document, which he has not signed. However, his lawyer has signed it, and it has been countersigned by someone from the Nigerian Ministry of Justice. Will this document suffice for our needs? Please let me know.

Could you also advise me what form of identification I should send you, and how best to get your fees to you?

As I mentioned to you yesterday, I am travelling today, but I will be back this evening. I look forward to your prompt response. Hopefully we can tie up all these loose ends quickly: I am keen to have my consignment delivered to me.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Will this power of attorney document suffice?

Sent: Fri, 28 May 2004 22:55:07 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

I have told you before that I cannot afford to pay for another power of attorney. Do send the one you have to Dr Dowell. If not, do assist me with money to prepare another.

Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah; Cc: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: I have sent the power of attorney to Dr Dowell

Sent: Fri, 28 May 2004 20:32:42

Dear Dr Shaky,

As you will have seen from the email that I forwarded to you, I sent the power of attorney to Dr Dowell first thing this morning. I was hoping that Dr Dowell would have responded to my email, but I have heard nothing from him all day. I hope that power of attorney document will suffice, even though you did not sign it yourself.

I also asked Dr Dowell what form of identification he wanted me to send him, and how best to send him the fees he requires. He has not got back to me on these issues either.

I am extremely keen for us to conclude this transaction as soon as possible. Could you possibly get in touch with Dr Dowell yourself, impress upon him the urgency of this situation, and ask him to respond as quickly as he can?

You will be pleased to hear that the Blue Ribands performed marvellously well when I auditioned them today. I have offered them a job in the circus, and am hoping that they will respond positively. I think they will provide me with just the act I need to close each show.

Please get on to Dr Dowell as soon as you can, Dr Shaky. As I mentioned to you earlier, although I may be able to check my emails tomorrow morning, after that I will be unavailable until Monday night, so the sooner Dr Dowell gets back to me, the sooner we can tie things up.

I hope you have a very pleasant weekend yourself, my friend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell; Cc: Dr Shaky Musah

Subject: Please answer my queries

Sent: Sat, 29 May 2004 11:48:23

Dr Dowell,

I am disappointed not to have had a response from you in answer to my queries. I am keen to conclude this transaction as soon as possible. I cannot do this if you do not answer my questions.

To repeat:

I sent you Dr Shaky's power of attorney. Will this document suffice, or do you need one that he has actually signed?
What sort of identification do you need me to send you?
How should I get your fees to you? Bank transfer? Cash on delivery?

Please get back to me by return with answers to these questions. Then hopefully we can conclude this business next week.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: The identification you require

Sent: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 14:02:42

Dear Dr Dowell,

I have been most disappointed at your failure to get back to me, especially given the urgency of this transaction. To speed matters forward, I attach a scanned copy of my international passport for identification purposes. I trust this is satisfactory for you.

As I need to have this business concluded by the end of this week, please get back to me immediately and let me know how best to get your fee to you. I will transfer the money as soon as I hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah; Cc: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: I have decided to move forward with Mr Abacha

Sent: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 18:58:38

Dear Dr Shaky,

I have sent Dr Dowell the (admittedly useless) power of attorney document you sent me, I have sent him a copy of my passport for identification, and I have asked him on more than one occasion for information on how to proceed. But nothing I do seems to shake him into action.

I am not a patient man, Dr Shaky, and I have had enough of Dr Dowell's inaction. I mentioned to you a while back that I had received a promising business proposal from a Mr Abacha. I am sorry to tell you that I have decided to drop my business partnership with you and enter into partnership with Mr Abacha. The man sounds very professional, and is quick to answer my queries, in stark contrast to Dr Dowell.

I told you that depositing that money with that money-grabbing security company was a mistake, Dr Shaky. Your bungling lawyer didn't help either. If only you had followed my advice, we would have been home and dry by now.

I will travel into town tomorrow morning, pay Dr Dowell's fee back into my bank, and use it to fund the business partnership I am now building with Mr Abacha.

Your loss is Mr Abacha's gain, Dr Shaky.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. If you're ever passing by Gypping in the Marsh, do drop in and say hello. I'd hate to end our business relationship on bad terms, so I'd be only too happy to give you a half-price ticket to the circus. I'll even seat you a safe distance away from the trajectory of the flying trapeze. Now there's consideration for you.

From: Dr Shaky Musah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You are incompetent

Sent: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 20:09:10 +0800

Dear Gilbert,

I long discovered your incompetence in handling this transaction and instructed Dr Dowell to stop communicating with you because I feel you are a very cheap gold digger.

I might only reconsider you if you go down on your knees to beg for this money and take a photograph of yourself in the process.

I await your urgent response.

Dr Musa

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Shaky Musah; Cc: Dr Ramford Dowell

Subject: You're calling me incompetent?

Sent: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 14:44:51

Dr Shaky,

I am in receipt of your regrettably rude email. I cannot believe that you are calling me incompetent. I am not the one who forgets to sign his own so-called "power of attorney". I am not the one with the so-called "lawyer" who knows less about the law than I do about particle physics. I am not the one who transferred money to a so-called "security company" that charges ludicrously high fees for no reason whatsoever.

What on earth have you been playing at, Dr Shaky? Time after time when I bent over backwards to move things forward, you and your "lawyer" delayed our transaction with your incompetence. And you call yourself a "doctor". I find it hard to believe that you are a doctor of anything. If you ask me, your IQ is probably considerably less than your shoe size.

Anyway, I am pleased to be able to report that my business deal with Mr Abacha is progressing nicely. He presents himself in a much more professional manner than you - the man can spell and knows how to punctuate correctly, for a start - and I am confident that I will soon raise more than enough money to keep Gilbert Murray's Flying Circus on the road for many years to come, without having to resort to your idiotic scheme.

Incidentally, if Dr Dowell or yourself ever feel like moving into a career more suited to your somewhat limited intellectual capacities, I am looking for a couple of new clowns for the circus. Jammy and Dodger have unfortunately had to take early retirement on health grounds after they inadvertently drove their clowns' car right into the middle of Big Chief Arrowroot's knife-throwing act. After your bungling and gooning around over the past few weeks, I think you and Dr Dowell would make an excellent pair of clowns.

If you are interested in applying for the positions, may I suggest you start practising by emptying a bucket of water over your heads and asking someone to throw a custard pie in your faces? I only wish that I could be there with you in person: I would happily oblige myself.

Gilbert Murray