 |
|
The Gypping in the Marsh Village Website Gypping in the Marsh in Times Past
|
Home - The Chronicles - The Retired Wing Commander The Retired Wing CommanderIn which Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) attempts to help an Iraqi get his fortune out of the country, and in which he discovers that his ludicrous campaign for English independence attracts very little support in the Ivory Coast. Cast of characters
From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Assistance Sent: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 20:43:03 DEAR SIR, I AM RAHIM ALALI FROM IRAQ. I AM CONTACTING YOU IN CONNECTION WITH THE $120 MILLION I HAVE IN MY POSSESION WHICH I HAVE THROUGH MY BROTHER MOVED INTO A BANK IN ABIDJAN WHERE HE WORKS. PLEASE COULD YOU HELP IN PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT SO THAT THIS MONEY COULD BE TRANSFERRED TO YOU SO THAT I CAN COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR RESETTLEMENT AND START A NEW LIFE AND INVEST THE MONEY? PLEASE, FOR THE CONDITION OF ME AND MY FAMILY AND WHERE WE ARE STAYING. I CANNOT DO THIS MYSELF SO MY BROTHER WILL HELP US. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, I WILL GIVE YOU HIS FULL NAME, E-MAIL/PHONE CONTACTS, AND ALSO THE BANK CONTACTS WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU SO THAT YOU CAN CONTACT THE BANK ON HOW THE TRANSFER WILL BE MADE TO YOU INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. THANKS. I BEG TO STOP SO FAR TILL YOU REPLY. ALLAH BLESS YOU, RAHIM ALALI From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: Re: Assistance Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 14:14:47 Dear Alali, I do not know how you obtained my personal email address, or what made you write to me on this matter. However, your story touches me greatly. I know that things are difficult for you johnnies in Iraq at the moment. If you ask me, things started to go downhill in the third world when the empires started to collapse, but that is neither here not there. Anyway, I may be in a position to help you. If you require my assistance, email me back with further details. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: PLEASE CONTACT MY BROTHER Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 19:20:13 +0200 DEAR GILBERT, THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL AND ALSO YOUR KINDNESS TO ASSIST ME. ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO ASSIST ME IS TO CONTACT MY BROTHER WHO IS WORKING WITH THE BANK WHERE I DEPOSITED THIS FUND SO THAT HE WILL DIRECT YOU ON HOW THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT. BUT BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING, YOU HAVE TO SEND ME YOUR FULL CONTACT DETAILS AND CV BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, THIS TRANSACTION IS BASED ON TRUST. BUT I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FAIL THE TRUST I HAVE DEPOSITED ON YOU. PLEASE, YOU ARE TO CONTACT MY BROTHER WHO WORKS WITH THIS BANK WHERE I DEPOSITED THIS FUND. HE IS TO DIRECT YOU WELL. AS YOU KNOW, THE SITUATION HERE IN IRAQ IS VERY BAD. I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A PHONE NUMBER WHERE TO REACH ME FOR MORE INFORMATION, BUT I PREFER WE COMMUNICATE WITH EMAIL. I HAVE ALSO SENT A MAIL TO MY BROTHER INFORMING HIM OF YOUR INTREST TO ASSIST ME. PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST TO CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL. YOU ARE TO SEND TO HIM YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS WHERE THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFERRED. PLEASE, YOU ARE TO GET BACK TO ME AND FORWARD TO ME THE INFORMATIONS I HAVE REQUESTED FROM YOU. BELOW IS THE CONTACT OF MY BROTHER: NAME: MR BALI ALALI TEL: 0022507556465 ABIDJAN, COTE D'IVOIRE I WILL BE EXPECTING TO READ FROM TODAY. MAY ALLAH GOD BLESS YOU, RAHIM ALALI From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: Re: PLEASE CONTACT MY BROTHER Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 08:56:21 Alali, Thank you for your email. Very prompt response. I like that in a man. Well done. Couple of points before we go any further. First, kindly address me as "Wing Commander Murray". Only my closest friends call me "Gilbert". And Mrs Murray, of course. Second, turn off the CAPS LOCK key on your keyboard. Damned difficult to read your emails when you write them all in CAPITAL LETTERS. Very shoddy. You asked for my CV. Well, here's my life in brief. Born 1937 in Oxford. Educated at Eton, where I learned the values of decency, discipline, teamwork and always having a clean pair of shoes, but precious little else. Never been much of an academic. Much more of a can-do, practical type of chap. After school, moved straight into the Royal Air Force. Cut my teeth flying Vulcans, teaching Johnny Arab a lesson in Aden and Suez. Moved up the ranks as quick as a rat up a pole. Decorated with sundry honours and medals. Last saw active service in the first Gulf War, liberating Kuwait. Might well have strafed you at some point, you never know. Retired two years ago. Now living in quiet retirement with the wife in remote Lincolnshire village. Financially sound. Excellent health and all my own teeth. Keep myself busy managing my many investments and acting as Secretary for the England for the English campaign. There's my background in a nutshell. Now, kindly send me more information on yourself. You've not given me much to go on so far. I'm always on the lookout for a profitable wheeze, and this one sounds right up my street. But I cannot go any further without more information. What's all this about your brother? What's he doing in the Ivory Coast? Used to be a nice place, or so I've heard. Even though it used to be owned by the French. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. All this "Allah bless you" business: I take it you're one of those Muslim fellas? Never mind. Probably not your fault. C of E myself. Still, all brothers together and so on and so forth. From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: CONFIRM Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 17:53:17 +0200 DEAR WING COMMANDER MURRAY, PLEASE, YOU ARE TO CONFIRM THE RECEIPT OF MY MAIL TODAY CONTAINING INFORMATIONS ABOUT ME. LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CONTACT MY BROTHER BALI, BECAUSE HE WROTE AND TOLD ME THAT YOU HAVE NOT CONTACTED HIM. YOU KNOW IT IS IMPORTANT YOU CONTACT HIM BECAUSE HE WORKS IN THE BANK WHERE I DEPOSITED THIS FUND. HE WILL DIRECT YOU AND ALSO WILL SUBMIT YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS TO THEIR BANK REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT FOR THE TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. BE INFORMED THAT YOU ARE TO CALL HIM WITH THIS NUMBER: 0022507556465. WAITING TO READ FROM YOU TODAY. BEST REGARDS, RAHIM ALALI From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: Re: CONFIRM Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 17:15:46 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. I note to my dismay that you have not done as I instructed and turned off the CAPS LOCK key on your keyboard. Was it blown off in the recent bombing campaign or something? If not, turn the damn thing off now and stop writing your emails all in CAPITAL LETTERS. Writing all in capitals is RUDE, man, has nobody ever told you that? I asked you for more information on yourself. You have not provided it. Perhaps I did not make myself clear. Before I go any further with this caper, I want to know more about your background and how you came to have all this money. I must be satisfied that there is nothing fishy going on here, do you hear me? For all I know, you could be Saddam Bloody Hussein. For example. Whereabouts in Iraq do you live? How old are you? Have you a family? What is your profession? I must know that I can trust you before I go any further. So to answer your question, no I have not yet contacted your brother. I will contact your brother when you send me the information I have requested. Shake a leg, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: CONFIRM Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 18:58:39 +0200 Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, This is the information you requested from me as follows: Name: Rahim Alali. Occupation: gold and oil dealer (businessman) and an industrialist. Marital status: married with two children. Age: 53 years. Country: Iraq. This is a little information about myself. Best regards, Rahim Alali From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: CONFIRM Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 13:10:02 +0200 Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, Thanks for your mail and the content is well noted by me. I have sent you a mail with a little information concerning my person, but I am surprised that you did not receive it. Below are the details again. Name: Al Rahim Alali. Country: Baghdad, Iraq. Occupation: gold and oil dealer/industrialist. Marital status: married with two children. Please this is a little about myself. I am not Saddam and will not be that type of person. Please try your best to assist me to transfer this fund into your account and also to assist me to relocate with my family to your country, but first you have to contact my brother who will direct you as a banker and has every document regarding the deposit. He will also detail you how they will transfer, since you can reach him on phone it will help this transaction to be fast. I have to move out of this place where we are in southern Iraq because it is too difficult for me and my family here. Please assist us, but if you can not assist, please let me look for another person who will do so. My children are suffering and I do not want anything to happen to them. Please try to contact my brother and submit your account details to him for the transfer. Awaiting to read from you today. Best regards, Rahim Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: Re: CONFIRM Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 12:37:32 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Thank you for the extra information. However, you still have not answered one of my questions, man. How did you come about this large amount of money? I am relatively wealthy myself, but $120 million dollars is a lot of money by any standards, and I don't want to get involved in any shady dealings, do you see? I have my reputation to consider. If you can show me that this money is legitimately yours, I believe we can do business. Glad to see you've got the hang of that CAPS LOCK business. Well done, man. Keep up the good work. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: One more thing Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 12:44:32 Alali, One more thing. You say you're not Saddam Hussein. Fair enough. Well done. But you're not one of his cohorts, are you? I don't want to get involved in this business and then find the American 5th Bloody Fleet knocking down my door because I'm aiding and abetting Saddam's ex-Minister of Torture or something. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH Saddam Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 15:29:33 +0200 Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, First I will thank you for your carefulness in this transaction, but I want you to understand that I have nothing to do with Saddam. Like I told you, I am a gold and oil dealer. I have been in this business for 18 years and I was based in Brunei. It was just last year, November 23, that I came back to invest in my country Iraq, but it is unfortunate that the industry which I have started building was destroyed last month. I got this rumour of war early this year, then my brother assisted me to deposit this fund in the bank where he is working. I wanted to leave with my family then, but my thought was that this war is not going to get to this stage. My belief was that after the Americans will remove this man Saddam, that everything will be better for us the Iraqians because many have suffered in silence in this Saddam's regime. Do not have fear over this transaction because I am a very honest man and will not involve you in anything that will jeopardise your personality. I know the impression other parts of the world have about us, but it is not that all of us are the same. I made my money through a genuine and my hard working way. Please, we have to proceed. You do not have anything to fear. Go ahead and contact my brother on this phone number 0022507556465 so that as we enter this new week the fund will be transferred to your account, then you can now start to make arrangements for my coming over with my family. Awaiting to read from you today. Rahim Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: You have convinced me Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 19:08:47 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Thank you for sending me the information I requested. Getting it out of you was about as easy as getting sense out of a Welshman, but we got there in the end. Well done. I am delighted to say that you have convinced me that you have nothing whatsoever to do with Saddam Hussein, and are not one of his cronies. This is most excellent news. However, before I contact your brother, I also require some background information on him, to satisfy myself that he is on the level too. I trust you can appreciate my caution - as Secretary of the England for the English campaign, I have to be extremely careful who I do business with. My predecessor in this role got into a frightful pickle when one of his "business contacts" turned out to be a rather shady character, and he ended up being caught with a 14 year old Philippino boy in a Kings Cross hotel in a compromising position. I don't want any of that stuff and nonsense happening to me, do you see? Not that I'm intimating that you or your brother have anything to do with 14 year old Philippino boys, of course. I would imagine they're rather difficult to come by in Iraq at the moment. So, my good man, send me some background information on your brother, and we are in business. Now then. As I'm going to be doing you a big favour, you can do me one in return. You scratch my back and all that. I've attached a petition for you to sign. It's for the England for the English campaign. Print it out, fill it in, scan it into your computer and send it back to me, would you? We're gunning for as many signatures as we can, so if you could get any of your friends and colleagues to sign it too, that would be capital. At the very least, I'll expect the signatures of you and your immediate family. Alright? Marvellous. Look forward to your response. Chop chop. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Don't suppose you have any English blood in you, do you? Just wondered.  From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: Where are you, man? Sent: Sun, 07 Sep 2003 18:29:14 Alali, I'm surprised not to have had a response from you after my email of yesterday. I've offered to help you out in your plight, but I get nothing but silence from your end. Perhaps you're taking a bit of time to make sure you get enough signatures to completely fill the petition I sent you. Good thinking. But do you not think we need to get things moving here? Send me the information I need on your brother and we can get this project airborne. I'm sitting here in the cockpit right now ready for the off, but it seems like the chap in the tower's asleep. You may be interested to know that I received a very promising proposal yesterday from a Mrs Abacha in Nigeria which aroused my interest. I'm a patient man, Alali, but my patience has its limits. If I don't hear from you pronto, I'm tempted to explore the business opportunity this Mrs Abacha has put forward instead of devoting my time, energy and resources to helping you out. Jump to it, there's a good fella, and we'll have your money safe and sound before you know it. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: My brother will give you all info you need Sent: Mon, 08 Sep 2003 17:14:17 +0200 Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I want you to understand my situation here in Iraq. All this load you are trying to give me before you will be able to assist me is very hard for me this time because of my situation. Please all I can tell you about my brother is that he is a banker in Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, West Africa, and he works with the BIAO Bank where I deposited this fund. Please, all you need to do is to contact him and he will direct you on how this fund will be transferred to your account. I have already told him about you and he will be waiting for you to contact him. Please contact him and ask him any question you will need to know about this transaction and himself or about our family since you can be able to talk with him on the phone, then he will give you any information you request of him. Awaiting to read from you today. Best regards, Rahim Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: I am prepared to help you Sent: Mon, 08 Sep 2003 20:59:43 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Frankly man, I'm astonished at your attitude. I am fully aware of the situation in Iraq - I listen to the news on the radio every day. If you ask me, Iraq has been going steadily downhill ever since the Shah left. Now I know that things are a little difficult for you right now. But for god's sake, all I am asking you to do is fill in a petition. It can't take more than a few minutes of your time, and this is something that is extremely important to me. What could be more important than the future of this fine country? Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, man, stop complaining and start taking action! Now. Despite your unfortunate attitude, I am prepared to help you. I am prepared to contact your brother and get further information on this caper. Right. To the logistics. I live in a particularly remote part of this fine country of England, and we have no telephones here. The telephone company tried to connect our village last year, but the telegraph poles sank into the marshy ground, and they have not tried again since. Therefore I carry out all my business via email. I trust this is acceptable to you. Therefore I cannot telephone your brother using the number you gave me. Kindly send me your brother's email address, and I will email him directly. Another question. What do I stand to gain from all this hoo-hah? I think we need to establish this from the outset. Now, be sure to send me back the petition I emailed to you within the week, there's a good man. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. You failed to answer my enquiry. Do you have any English blood in you or not, man? From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: You are not doing anything to assist me Sent: Tue, 09 Sep 2003 18:20:34 +0200 Please, I want you to understand that I am a serious man and will not want to do anything with a player. Please if you are not capable to assist me, I will not like to waste my time with you. Please if you cannot contact my brother, that means you are not trying to assist this transaction. Thanks and Allah bless you. Rahim Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: What the blazes are you on about, man? Sent: Tue, 09 Sep 2003 17:33:12 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. What the blazes are you on about? What the devil do you mean, calling me a "player"? What the bloody hell is a "player"? Is this Iraqi slang for something? I am doing all I can to help you and your family in your plight, my good man, and yet what do I get from you? Insults! At least I assume it is an insult. What have I done to deserve this sort of treatment at your hands, man? Explain to me what you mean, having the nerve to call me a "player", whatever that means, when I am trying to provide you with my honest assistance. I am offended, man. Deeply offended. Despite your petulance, I am still willing to offer you my assistance. If you do not require my assistance, then so be it. However, if you do, then forward me your brother's email address by return so that I can contact him. I have explained to you that due to the remoteness of my house, I am not connected to the electric telephone network. I do all my business via email, using a satellite link devised by my neighbour. Explain yourself, and get with the programme, for god's sake. I await your response. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: And another thing Sent: Tue, 09 Sep 2003 17:39:54 Alali, One more thing: address me properly, god damn it. I have told you before, my title is Wing Commander Murray. I am not used to receiving such insolent, incorrectly-addressed emails. Congratulations. You have now succeeded in raising my blood pressure as well as my hackles. We knew how to deal with insolence from subordinates like this in the RAF, I can tell you. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: I am ready to proceed Sent: Wed, 10 Sep 2003 20:05:33 Alali, Frankly, man, I am confused. Do you want my help or not? I have placed myself at your disposal, yet get no reply from you. All I can think is that the electricity is off again in Iraq or something. If you and your family require my assistance, I am willing to provide it. Get back to me promptly with your brother's email address. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Elizabeth Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: Can I be of any assistance? Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 12:33:25 Dear Mr Alali, You do not know me, so please allow me to introduce myself. I am Mrs Elizabeth Murray. I gather that you have been corresponding with my husband Gilbert over the past week, regarding the terrible situation in which you and your family find themselves in Iraq. My husband has kept me informed of the correspondence he has had with you, and I can honestly say that your story moved me. Therefore, I was most concerned to hear yesterday from Gilbert that the two of you had fallen out over what sounds like a very trivial matter. I had been hoping that Gilbert would be able to help you and your family escape from your current troubles. Gilbert is currently extremely angry, and says that he wants no more to do with you: he told me that you had insulted him, and he used some rather intemperate language himself to describe you. You must excuse my husband. He is a kind and generous man, but he is also extremely proud, irascible, and prone to violent tempers. He is liable to take offence at the slightest thing, often when no offence was intended. I do not feel that it is fair on you or your family that my husband's temper should condemn you to have to stay in Iraq in your present situation. Therefore, I would like to do whatever I can to help you. Please, Mr Alali, I must ask you not to inform my husband that I have contacted you. Gilbert is a fine man and a good husband, but he can also be rather controlling, and he would not be happy if he thought that I was going behind his back. Please pass on my warmest regards to your family, Mr Alali. I hope to hear from you soon. Yours truly, Mrs Elizabeth Murray From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I have been directed by my brother Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 12:32:33 +0100 (BST) Dear Mr Gilbert, I have been directed by my brother Al Rahim Alali for the transfer of his fund that is deposited here in our bank to your account. Please, for this fund to be transferred to your account as directed by my brother, you have to send to me your account details so that I will submit them to our International Remittance Department of our bank as the co-beneficiary of the fund. Sir, I will be waiting for the informations and also your phone and fax numbers so that I will be contacting you to direct you on any urgent matters. Waiting for your urgent response. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali Subject: Regarding your email Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 13:55:27 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. To be frank, I am extremely surprised to hear from you. I had thought your brother Rahim had foolishly rejected my selfless offer of help outright. In his last email to me, he also insulted me by called me a "player", whatever that is. I take it to be some form of Iraqi insult. However, despite your brother's insulting behaviour, I am willing to let bygones be bygones and help him and his family in his plight. Now then. It seems to me that before we proceed any further, we have a few things to sort out. No good rushing into the wood with our eyes shut and our peckers out, as we used to say in the RAF. Firstly. Your manner of address will not do. Kindly address me as "Wing Commander Murray". Only my closest friends call me "Gilbert". And nobody calls me "Mr Gilbert". That would just be silly. Secondly. I have already explained to your brother that due to the remoteness of my house, I am not connected to the electric telephone network. I do all my business via email, using a satellite link devised by my neighbour. I am surprised that he has not passed this information on to you. Perhaps the pounding of the bombs during the recent campaign affected his short-term memory. No matter. Thirdly. We have yet to establish what monetary benefit I will gain from this transaction. I am a generous and charitable man, but there has to be something for me in all this. Perhaps you would like to discuss a figure with your brother then get back to me. Fourthly. Your brother Rahim told me that you were located in the Ivory Coast. Yet you have a UK-based email address. What's that all about then? Clear up these matters to my satisfaction, and we are in business my man. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Rahim Alali To: Elizabeth Murray Subject: Thank you for your kindness Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 14:41:03 +0200 Dear Madam, Thanks for you kindness. I have already instructed my brother Bali to contact your husband regarding the transfer of the fund, but I have never heard from my brother to update me on the developments which I know that he will inform me may be today or tomorrow. My wife was very happy when I informed her about you. Please take it easy with your husband. You know we men have our way, but the way of a woman is that they always care. Thanks and extend my regards to your loved ones till we come over to meet in your country. You are free to write me any time. Best regards, Rahim Alali From: Elizabeth Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: Thank you for your email Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 17:22:51 Dear Mr Alali, Thank you for your kind email. My husband told me about an hour ago that he had received an email from your brother and that he had responded. I am so pleased that the two of you seem to have patched things up. I do so hope that my husband will be able to help you and your family escape from the terrible situation in which you find yourselves. If I may, I would like to pass on some womanly advice to you. I mentioned in my last email that my husband was a good and decent man. I also mentioned that he is not without his faults. He can be proud, arrogant, rude even, and is prone to taking offence. I blame his lifetime's service as an officer in the Royal Air Force. However, despite his faults, you could not hope to find a more honest man, and he will go far out of his way to help someone in trouble. I would advise you to mention this to your brother, and to perhaps persuade your brother to put up with my husband's little quirks of character if he can, and to forgive him if he gives offence. Trust me: I know my husband better than anyone, and this is by far the best way to deal with him. Gilbert can be a bit of a cantankerous old fool at times. But he has a heart of gold, and I love him. Once again, my warmest regards to you and your family. I look forward to meeting you soon, once Gilbert has helped you out of your current predicament. Yours truly, Mrs Elizabeth Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: The wheels are in motion Sent: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 08:59:45 Alali, A quick email. As you are probably aware, I am now in contact with your brother. Glad to see that you saw sense in the end. Well, I will do what I can to help you out. Just hope your brother's a decent sort of chap. Another Muslim fella, I take it? Never mind. Don't worry my good chap. We'll have you out of Iraq before you know it. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. How's that petition coming along? You must have been able to get a good many signatures by now. Well, send it back as soon as it's full, there's a good man. From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Regarding your email Sent: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 12:12:38 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, Thank for your mail, all the question and correction you stated. I wrote my brother and he told me that for your assistance to this fund transfer that he will give you 10% of the total fund and also a manger of any investment that he is going to start over there in your country. Secondly, I work here in Cote d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast), why I use the Yahoo UK account is because it is my choice in all the Yahoo and I don't think it is wrong to make such choice. Please sir, I am still waiting for the account details for submission for the transfer to be effected today or tomorrow. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali Subject: Percentages Sent: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 13:55:27 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. You appear to have answered all of my queries satisfactorily. Well done. Good show. Now then. I must take issue with the percentage your brother is willing to offer me for my assistance. Strikes me that this whole affair might be blurring the edges of what's right and proper in a strictly legal sense, if you catch my drift. I must be taking some sort of risk here. Don't want Johnny Taxman getting his hands on my money, do you see? I reckon 20% is more suitable for this level of risk. What do you reckon? Do we have a deal? The money will come in useful to fund the England for the English campaign, for which I am Secretary. Your brother's probably mentioned it to you. Keeps me busy. Out of mischief. And a jolly good cause too. Sure you agree. So, let's agree on 20%. Let me know if we have a deal and I'll forward on my account details immediately. In the meantime, I've attached a petition for you to sign. It's for the England for the English campaign. Your brother's busy collecting signatures for me in Iraq. Least he can do, you know? So shouldn't be too much of a bother for you to do the same in the Ivory Coast. You scratch my back, etc? Anyway. Print it out, fill it in, scan it into your computer and send it back to me, would you? We need all the signatures we can get, so pass it round your colleagues at the bank and get all your family to sign, there's a good man. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali Subject: Shake a leg Sent: Sat, 13 Sep 2003 07:59:34 Alali, Rather surprised that you have not got back to me regarding the question over percentages. Thought you were in a hurry to get this show on the road. This is your brother's life we're talking about. Shake a leg, my good man. I will be checking my email later this evening - I am spending the day driving Mrs Murray into town for some shopping. Waste of a day if you ask me, but the dear lady says she simply must have some new shoes, and who am I to argue? Now then, let's have some progress, and less of this inaction. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: MY LAST MAIL WITH YOU Sent: Sat, 13 Sep 2003 22:25:13 +0200 Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I HAVE NOT SEEN ANY SERIOUSNESS IN YOU SINCE THIS TRANSACTION STARTED. ALL I CAN SEE IN YOU IS PRIDE. PLEASE, I CAN ACCEPT TO GIVE YOU THE 20%, BUT THIS WILL BE MY LAST MAIL IF I DO NOT SEE ANY ACTION IN YOU. YOU EVEN INSULTED ME TO MY BROTHER, ARE YOU SERIOUS? AL RAHIM From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali; Cc: Bali Alali Subject: Regarding your last email Sent: Sat, 13 Sep 2003 22:31:57 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. I have to say that I found it astonishing, man. You say that I have insulted you to your brother. How so? If I have said anything to your brother about you that you have found insulting, then I must apologise, as that was not my intention. But I honestly cannot think what you are referring to. I am trying to help you for god's sake, not insult you. It is you who have insulted me, by calling me a "player", if you remember. I still do not know exactly what that means, but I shudder to think. I am used to ripe language from my time in the RAF, but that is not an insult I have come across before. You call me proud. Well maybe I am proud. Nobody is perfect. But I am also willing to put myself to the trouble to help you and your family in your time of need. You accuse me of not being serious. I do not know what you are basing this on. Believe me, I am a very serious man. Always have been. Always will be. I have to assume that we are misunderstanding each other because of our cultural differences. I do not think we should let this come between us. After all, we are all brothers, are we not? Given the situation your family finds itself in, I would have thought you would show some gratitude rather than picking fault with my character. We seem to have got off on the wrong foot. I am willing to put our differences behind us, forget your insults, and move forward with all good intentions. Are you willing to do the same, man? Assuming that you are, then I thank you for accepting my suggestion of 20%. This will be most satisfactory. Now, is it you or your brother I am dealing with when it comes to the nitty-gritty? Assuming it will be your brother, kindly get him to get back in contact and we will move forward at once. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. See you're still having problems with that CAPS LOCK key. Here's a tip for nothing: a touch of light oil might help free it if it's sticking. From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I need action Sent: Sun, 14 Sep 2003 19:40:13 +0200 Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, This is not a matter of writing mails and talking too much. Please, I have told you to send your account details to my brother Bali who will submit them to the Remittance Department of their bank to effect the fund transfer to your account. Please, if you have made yourself available to assist me, send your account details to my brother by Monday so that this fund will be transferred this new week. We have talked a lot. Please let me see action from you. Best regards, Al Rahim Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali; Cc: Bali Alali Subject: Action is my middle name Sent: Sun, 14 Sep 2003 19:04:21 Alali, Glad to see you're willing to let bygones be bygones and move forward. Good man. Like me, I see you're a man of action. Like your new attitude. Send my account details to your brother, eh? Well, I think we've sorted out all the necessary formalities by now, so no sooner said than done. How is the petition coming along by the way? Getting close to getting a full roster of signatures, I should think by now. Looking forward to getting it back from you soon. Please pass on my regards, and those of my wife, to your family, my good man. I have told my wife of your plight and she was deeply moved. That's women for you, eh? Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali Subject: Account details and so forth Sent: Sun, 14 Sep 2003 19:05:01 Alali, Been in contact with your brother. Keen to move on and all that without any further delays. So, without any further ado, here's the details of the account you can move the fund into: Account name: Gilbert Arnold Murray Account number: 74053275 Sort code: 21-38-19 Account holding bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK. This is a business bank account that I use for the occasional business venture. I have emptied this account in preparation for the receipt of the sum from this transaction, so it currently has a zero balance. Trust this is acceptable to you. Not sure if you have my address either. It's Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK. So, there we go. Trust we can move forward with all speed now. Let's have no more of these delays, eh? Let me know what happens next. Good man. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. How is that petition I sent you coming along? You must have plenty of colleagues in the bank who'll be happy to put their names to it. Let me know, there's a good chap. From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali Subject: Let's have some movement Sent: Mon, 15 Sep 2003 14:23:34 Alali, I sent you my account details yesterday and asked you how we proceed from here. What have I heard from you in return? Nothing! Time is of the essence here, I feel. That's certainly how your brother seems to view the situation. I am sitting here, poised like a cheetah, ready to spring into action as soon as you give the word. Let's go, man! Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Rahim Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Have they contacted you? Sent: Mon, 15 Sep 2003 17:01:49 +0200 Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, My brother wrote me and told me that the bank will contact you. I don't know if they have done so. Please, you know the banking system in Africa. Please wait till you hear from them and immediately you hear from the bank get back to me. Best regards, Al Rahim Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali; Cc: Bali Alali Subject: Re: Have they contacted you? Sent: Mon, 15 Sep 2003 17:29:21 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Afraid to say, not heard so much as a peep from your brother's bank. Not much experience of dealing with African banks. Bit slow to get moving, are they? Not the sharpest tools in the banking box, is that it? Probably the heat. That's what I put it down to. Hot climate, do you see? Complete absence of the Protestant work ethic also has part to play if you ask me. Damn shoddy. Don't worry, just say the word and I'll send them a rocket of an email that'll be sure to get them moving. Give me a sign and I'll knock seven bells out of the blighters with a carefully-worded missive. Good at that. One of my talents, do you see? Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: From Bali Alali Sent: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 11:42:00 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Murray, I am in receipt of this mail. Please sir, if you are writing me, you have to direct your mail to me, not copy the mail you write my brother to me. Sir, the International Remittance Department of our bank has started to process your transfer and they will be contacting you with their remittance form to fill and return to the bank. I advise you to fill it in and return it immediately they contact you with the form. Please, it will be good if you can find a place to call the Director of the International Remittance Department, Dr PAUL BAPOU, and instruct him to fasting up the transfer because they have a lot of transfers they are doing. Sir, I want to inform you that you need a fax where the bank will send you the remittance form. I am expecting your response. Thanks, Bali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: Regarding the remittance form Sent: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 12:22:53 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Dashed difficult keeping up with you two chappies, do you know that? I send you an email, your brother responds. I sent your brother an email, you respond. Making me dizzy, you know? Anyway, glad to see that progress is being made. Your brother will be pleased too, no doubt. Now. I have already explained, both to you and to your brother, that due to the remoteness of my house, I am not connected to the electric telephone network. I therefore do not have a telephone or a fax machine. I do all my business via email, using a satellite link devised by my neighbour. Perhaps your short-term memory has been affected by the heat over there in the Ivory Coast. This shouldn't present a problem. All this Bapou fella has to do is to attach the remittance form to an email and send it on to me. Much like you'll be doing with my petition, do you see? I'll then print it out, scan it back in and send it back, quick as a flash. Right? So, get onto this Bapou today and get him to pull his finger out, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. How's the petition coming along? Don't keep me in the dark, for god's sake man. I need it back from you sharpish. From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: I've had nothing from Bapou yet Sent: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 22:14:21 Alali, I've had nothing through from this Bapou chap yet. Is the fella asleep or something? Tell you what. Give me his email address and I'll get the man moving. Your brother won't be pleased at this delay, I can tell you that for nothing. Also, will you please tell me how that petition's coming along? Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall here sometimes. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: OPEN THE ATTACHED FILE TO FIND BANK REMITTANCE FORM, FILL IT AND RETURN Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 05:24:55 -0700 (PDT) ATTN: MR GILBERT MURRAY, THIS IS TO BRING TO YOUR URGENT NOTICE THAT RAHIM ALALI, THE DEPOSITOR OF $120,000,000.00, HAS SUBMITTED YOUR NAME AND BANK ACCOUNT AS THE LEGITIMATE BENEFICIARY OF THE LODGED FUND AND HAS INSTRUCTED THIS BANK TO MAKE TRANSFER TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT. WE THEREFORE REQUEST THAT YOU FILL THE FUND REMITTANCE FORM ATTACHED TO THIS MAIL AND RETURN SAME FOR ONWARD WIRE TRANSFER OF YOUR FUND BY SWIFT. YOU ARE TO CALL THE DIRECTOR OF THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT ON RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL, DR PAUL BAPOU, FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON ALLOCATED LINE: +22503087678. UPON RECEIPT OF THE FILLED REMITTANCE FORM, YOUR FUND TRANSFER PROCEDURES WILL BE CARRIED OUT AND YOU WILL EXPECT ARRIVAL AND CONFIRMATION OF YOUR WIRED FUND UNDER BANKING WORKING HOURS. THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED COOPERATION, MRS REGINA KOYI SECRETARY BIAO BANK  From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I am worried Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 15:18:41 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, The director has informed me that they have sent you the form. Please let me know if you have returned the filled form to them. Please also let me know if my brother has mailed you today. I have tried to send him mails today, but no response. I am worried. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Rahim Alali Subject: FAO Mrs Regina Koyi Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 17:32:02 My dear Mrs Koyi, I am in receipt of your email. Good to see your bank seems to have pulled its finger out at long last. Surprised to have been contacted by a woman, I must say. Have never held with the idea of Mrs Murray working. Need her there to tend to the house and cook and clean, etc, do you see? Mind you, assume you're there mostly to make the tea and look decorative? No matter. Important job. Someone has to do it. Mind you don't neglect your husband though. Anyway. First things first, kindly address me using my proper title, "Wing Commander Murray". Only my friends call me anything else. Second, you seem to have the same problem with your computer as my associate Rahim Alali does - the CAPS LOCK key appears to be sticking. Here's a tip. It's rude to write emails ALL IN CAPITALS. Turn it off, there's a dear. If it's stuck, try a touch of light oil. Works wonders. Now. To business. I am in receipt of the form you sent. Marvellous. But before I fill it in, I have a query - I've always been much more a man of action, and have always left form-filling to the pen-pushing underlings, so it's not something I'm all that good at to be brutally honest. Sure you can help me out. What's this "Swift Code" you're after? Don't know what to put there on the form. Never heard of it before. Another thing. I have already explained, twice, to your colleague Alali Bali, that I am not connected to the electric telephone network, so I cannot call this Bapou fella. Would have thought Alali would have passed this information onto you. Obviously not. Most disappointing. Conduct all my business via email. Not been a problem so far, don't anticipate it will be in this instance. Anyway, if this Bapou wants to talk to me, give him my email address. And tell him to make sure his CAPS LOCK key isn't stuck. It's infuriating. Answer my query by return my dear lady, and I shall send back the form before you know it. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: The remittance form Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 17:34:34 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. As you will already know I have received the form and have returned a small query to the bank. Will return the form as soon as I hear from them. Not heard from your brother. Why are you worried? Are the Americans still bombing over there? Hope all is well. At least things are going swimmingly at this end. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: URGENT Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 10:22:34 -0700 (PDT) Attn: Gilbert Murray, Be informed that this bank has no time to waste, so should you be willing to have your fund transferred to your nominated bank account, then fill in the remittance form and send immediately. Our Secretary, Mrs Regina Koyi, sent you the bank remittance form based on instructions from the Director of the Foreign Remittance Department, Dr P Bapou, and you must abide to bank instructions for a smooth transfer of your fund. Fill the form and let the space for the swift code remain empty as this bank will later get that from your bank since you do not know what is swift code. It is our pleasure to inform you that we have nothing to do with your status and titles but strictly on basis of remitting your fund. Awaiting the filled remittance form. Thanks, Dr Paul Bapou Director, International Remittance Department BIAO BANK From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Rahim Alali Subject: Regarding your insolent email Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 21:52:55 Bapou, I am in receipt of your email. Do you have no manners, man? Firstly, I asked your Secretary to address me using my correct title: "Wing Commander Murray". It is no good telling me that "we have nothing to do with your status and titles". Plain politeness and decency dictates that one should address one's superiors correctly. You will address me as "Wing Commander Murray" from now on, or I will finish with this business immediately. It is also no good telling me that "this bank has no time to waste". You, my good man, are in a decent job, living a secure life in a country with no major problems. We are trying to help a man here who is currently going through a living hell in Iraq. Don't tell me that you have no time to waste. Compared to the suffering this man is going through, your problems are as naught. Concentrate your mind on the matters at hand, man, and less of your moaning. Having said that, I have to thank you for clearing up the matter of the Swift Code. Message received and understood. Now then. There is a space on this form for the signature of a "nominated legal attorney". I have not as yet nominated a legal attorney. Should I contact one and obtain their services for this transaction before we proceed any further? I have used the services of a local lawyer, Mr Welsby, in the past, who has proved to be consistently reliable. I am sure that he would be willing to help us out in this matter and sign the form accordingly. Give me the nod, and I shall contact Welsby and get him involved immediately. Let me know about the attorney as soon as possible and we can proceed. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: This man Bapou Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 21:58:41 Alali, As you will have seen, I am in receipt of an email from your colleague, this Bapou fella. Never come across such an insolent cove in all my life. What way is this to do business? Do us all a favour. Give this Bapou chap a rocket and tell him to mind his manners, else he is in severe danger of losing a valuable customer. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Sorry Sir Sent: Thu, 18 Sep 2003 07:53:32 -0700 (PDT) Attn: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.), This is to inform you that you should pardon us in any manner we must have addressed your personality. Please be informed that the attorney space should be kept vacant as our accredited bank attorney will take care of that. We then expect receiving the remittance form now to proceed wire of your fund to your nominated bank account. With all pleasure sir, we are here to render good services to you. Thanks for your anticipated co-operation, Management BIAO BANK From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Rahim Alali Subject: Thank you. Apology accepted Sent: Thu, 18 Sep 2003 16:45:51 Bapou, I am in receipt of your email. That's more like it, man. Apology accepted. All behind us now. All friends together, that sort of thing. Thank you for the information on what to do about the attorney. No need to contact Welsby then? Well, okay, as long as your attorney's up to scratch. What's the fella's name? I must be confident that this attorney's worth his salt before we go any further - I'm not having any old Tom Dick or Harry representing me, do you see? Satisfy me on this point and we are in business. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Thank you. Apology accepted Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 12:19:21 +0100 (BST) Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I received a mail from my brother's wife informing me that Rahim is very sick and that they are having big problems. Please sir, you have to fasting this transaction. The bank have given you the form to fill, but you do not want to do so. Please send the form and then they will tell you the next thing to do. Thanks, Bali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: Shocked to hear the news about your brother Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 12:37:54 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Shocked to hear your brother's sick. What's wrong with him, man? Is it anything serious? By god, I hope he's got himself off to a doctor. I like your brother. My kind of chap. Send him my best, there's a good chap. Now what are you on about, telling me that I do not want to fill in the form? I want to move forward with this transaction as soon as possible. But before I do, I must know something about the attorney that will be representing me. Surely you can understand this. Don't want the job going to senile old buffer or some young chick fresh out of law school. As soon as I receive information about this lawyer I will send back the form and we can move. The hold-up is at your bank's end, not at mine. Have a word with that Bapou chappie, will you? Getting sick of his delays, to tell the truth. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali Subject: What's your problem, man? Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 12:41:42 Bapou, Why are you delaying sending me the information I require about the lawyer? I have just heard from Alali Bali that his brother Rahim is seriously ill. We need action, man, now more than ever. Let's have no more of your delays. I must know more about this lawyer fella. Get the information to me by return and I will send you the form. It is filled in and ready to be sent. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank Subject: Delays at the bank Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 16:35:06 Alali, Emailed Bapou earlier today and have heard nothing back. Have they not heard of customer service at this bank of yours? I've told Bapou that I've got the form all filled in and ready to go, but I just need some reassurance on the bank's choice of lawyer. Don't want to place my affairs in the hands of a legal buffoon, do you see? As soon as I hear some more about the lawyer's credentials, I shall send the form to the bank. Not going to be able to do much over the weekend unfortunately. Going to an England for the English rally on the border with Cornwall. Planning to block a few roads and generate some publicity for our call to have Cornwall disassociated from England. Should be a good day. Might even get the chance to duff up a few of the native Cornish too if we're lucky. Expect to have heard from the bank by first thing Monday morning, when I shall be chasing up this business like a dog after a rabbit. Hope your brother's alright, man. Give him my best. Chin up. Worse things happen at sea. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: My sympathy Sent: Sat, 20 Sep 2003 09:14:33 Alali, Your brother tells me you're sick. Poor show. Sympathies, and all that. Hope it's nothing life-threatening. Hear medicine is a bit hard to get hold of in Iraq at the moment. Trust the doctors can deal with it. What is it that's wrong with you? You must let me know how you are. Your brother sounds very worried about you. Castor oil and bananas. My mother used to swear by them. Took them every day of her life till she died at the ripe old age of 47. Take note. Thought I'd cheer you up in your sickbed with a quick update on how this business with your money is going. Moving along nicely when all's said and done, but delays from the bank are proving to be tiresome. The man I'm dealing with there, Bapou, must spend half his time asleep or fiddling with his secretary as far as I can see - he's dashed slow at responding to banking matters. Even when I've impressed on him the urgency of this whole business. Asked your brother to get Bapou moving a bit faster. Hope that should do the trick. Anyway, this Bapou chap only has to answer one question of mine about the lawyer he's intending to use, and we're ready to go. No response from him all of yesterday. Hoping for a response on Monday. I've got his form all filled out here and ready to go. So don't you go worrying yourself over this transaction. As soon as I hear from the bank, it's chocks away and ready for take-off. Off to an anti-Cornish rally today with the England for the English campaign. Should be a jolly good day. Get to knock some Cornish heads together if we're lucky. I'm driving down there with the campaign treasurer, Paddy O'Halloran. Damn decent chap. You'd like him. Now then, this petition I sent you. Haven't heard hide nor hair from you about it. Well, I need it back by Friday at the latest. You may be sick, but I'm sure you're not too sick to hold a pen and sign your name. Get it back to me as soon as, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Contact Attorney for notarisation Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 02:28:54 -0700 (PDT) Attn: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.), With due respect, we the management of BIAO Bank apologise for the delay in issuing the contact details of the accredited bank attorney. Below is full contacts: EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI TEL: +22507891882. FAX: +22522422330 E-MAIL: equity_chambers03@yahoo.fr CONTACT: MRS BOMA MANUEL ESQ. (Principal Attorney) Thanks. Management, BIAO BANK From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali Subject: Many thanks for the information Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 12:15:42 Bapou, Many thanks for sending my the contact details of this lawyer. Surprised to see she appears to be a woman. Not sure I approve, but there you go. Modern times and all that. I shall get straight onto her, as it were, and ask her for some details of herself. As soon as she's reassured me that she's not some dizzy young thing with her head in the clouds, I will send you your completed form. You'll be pleased to hear that my anti-Cornish rally this weekend went splendidly. We blocked the main road between England and Cornwall and handed out a good many leaflets for the England for the English campaign. The police turned up after an hour or so, but it was all fairly good-humoured, and I managed to get the boot into a few of the locals when the police chappies were looking the other way. Damn successful. Made the papers and everything. Has your colleague Alali Bali asked you to sign that petition I sent him, by the way? If not, ask him to give it to you. All in a good cause and so forth. Could you let him know I need it back by Friday as well? Good show. Will get back to you presently once the lawyer's satisfied my concerns. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Equity Chambers; Cc: Bali Alali; BIAO Bank Subject: FAO MRS BOMA MANUEL Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 12:31:42 Dear Mrs Boma Manuel, I am writing to you concerning a piece of business I am transacting with an unfortunate Iraqi, Mr Rahim Alali, in conjunction with the BIAO Bank. I'm dealing with a splendid couple of chaps at the bank - Bapou and Alali Bali, who happens to be the brother of this Rahim fella. No need to bother your pretty head with all the details at this moment in time, but basically Bapou has told me that you're going to act as attorney for us throughout this business. Now I'm a cautious man, and before I proceed with this business, I need some assurance that you're capable of handling this matter with the professionalism and dedication one would expect. I have always used my own lawyer in matters such as these before - a Mr Welsby, well-respected in Lincolnshire law circles, don't know if you've come across the chap - and I'm a little nervous about placing my particulars in the hands of a new lawyer. Especially one of the female persuasion. Bapou suggested I contact you directly for some reassurance. Now nobody could call me sexist, but I have to say I'm a bit unsure about female lawyers. Never used one before. Can you assure me that you'll be able to handle this business properly? Don't want to go ahead if you'll be sitting at your desk with your head full of thoughts of pretty handbags and designer shoes while there are important legal documents to deal with. Also, I'd like you to provide me with details of your professional qualifications, and with a couple of references from satisfied clients. You know the sort of thing. Put my mind at rest. Now time is of the essence here, my dear lady, so I'd appreciate a quick response. Thank you in advance. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Elizabeth Murray To: Rahim Alali Subject: I hear that you are not well Sent: Sat, 22 Sep 2003 13:49:09 Dear Mr Alali, My husband Gilbert has just told me that you are not well. Please accept my sympathy. I do hope that you are not ailing with anything serious, and that you will soon be better. Hopefully, with Gilbert's help, you will soon be able to leave Iraq. I am sure that you will be able to receive better medical attention when you arrive in this country. Gilbert tells me that things are going well enough, but that the bank he is dealing with has been causing delays. He has found this most irritating. I do hope that the bank are able to sort things out quickly for you. Do let me know how you are getting on. Please send my kindest regards to your family. Yours truly, Mrs Elizabeth Murray From: Equity Chambers To: Gilbert Murray Subject: ATTN: SIR Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 17:44:58 +0200 (CEST) Sir, Your mail was well received, and this legal firm is here to give to you a satisfactory services so relax your mind. To be precise, your fund requires clearances and these will be secured from the Ministry of Finance and Ministry of Justice, Cote d'Ivoire. To authenticate your fund transfer for a smooth remittance of your fund to your nominated bank account, we are to secure the clearance certificates from the ministries to have your fund cleared from relating to any criminal activities such as drug trafficking, illicit diamond trading and money laundering, etc. Upon securance of the above mentioned clearance certificates, BIAO Bank will transfer your fund immediately without wasting any time. To secure the required clearance certificates and actualise this transaction, you are to send immediately the sum of 6,800 Euros by Western Union money transfer for quick receipt, in the name of associate Mrs Chinwendu Okafor. Send the transfer information to this mail account, such as control number, test question and answer, including the name of the sender. The above is all it requires for your fund to be transferred to your account. Contact us to notify your willingness for our services, so that we can start on it. Thanks. Yours in service, Mrs Boma Manuel Esq. EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI From: Gilbert Murray To: Equity Chambers; Cc: Bali Alali; BIAO Bank Subject: Hold your horses, woman! Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 17:31:28 Dear Mrs Boma Manuel, I am in receipt of your email. Now wait a minute, madam. I think you are trying to run before you can walk. I asked you in my email to provide me with details of your professional qualifications and a couple of references from satisfied clients, to satisfy me that you are a suitable attorney to use in this venture. Have you done what I asked? No, you have not. You haven't answered my questions at all. Instead, you've wittered on about drug trafficking, diamond trading, money laundering and other nonsense. On top of this, you seem to assume that I have already agreed to use your services. Nothing could be further from the truth. I will not agree to use your services until you provide me with the information I requested, satisfying me that you are suitable. This is precisely the kind of woolly-headed folderol I was afraid you would come out with. As I said in my last email to you, I feared that, being a woman, your mind would be too full of make-up and gossip to concentrate on the matter at hand. From reading your email, I have to say that this appears to be the case. Now then, madam. Try again. Sit yourself down, empty your head of all the feminine nonsense that's obviously cluttering up your thought processes, re-read my original email and see if you can answer my questions. It's not difficult. I simply want details of your professional qualifications and a couple of references from satisfied clients. Ask your husband for some help if things get too difficult. I look forward to your prompt response. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Knew someone who went by the name of Manuel, some years ago, down in Torquay. The chap was a waiter if my memory serves me. Short fella, none too smart. Don't suppose you're any relation? Small world and all that. From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali Subject: Are you sure this woman is a lawyer? Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 17:33:08 Bapou, You'll have seen the email I just sent to this lawyer woman you've suggested using. As you can see, she's not made the best of starts. Seems to me to be a bit of an air-headed bimbo. Are you sure this woman is a qualified lawyer? Going by her email, I'd say she's spent quite a bit of time at the bar, but not necessarily at the right kind of bar, if you get my drift. The woman has a lot of ground to make up. I have very little confidence in her. Let's hope she makes a better hash of responding to my last email. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I will change you as the beneficiary Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 18:34:39 +0100 (BST) Mr Gilbert Murray, Please, I do not like the way you are handling this transaction, you always find fault in people. You have to understand the situation of my brother and his family. Please, this will be my last mail to you if you continue with this rubbish. I personally am not ready to plead to you. All I am going to do is to apply for change of your account as the co-beneficiary, and find someone who is more capable to handle this transfer. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: Re: I will change you as the beneficiary Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 20:48:56 Alali, I am in receipt of your astonishing email. Firstly, may I remind you that I am going out of my way to help your brother and his family. I am spending my valuable time, out of the goodness of my heart, to help out a fellow man in need. Secondly, you say that I always find fault in people. Well I speak as I find. Always have done. Always will do. If I find fault in people, it is only because there is fault to be found. I speak my mind. If I find myself surrounded by a bunch of cloth-headed dunderheads, I will say so. I make no apologies for this. Plain speaking like this has got me where I am today. Thirdly, the question of the lawyer. I asked this lawyer of yours a couple of questions. She completely failed to answer them. I therefore asked her to address my questions once more. You are obviously an intelligent man. Would you not do the same if you were in my position? I imagine this whole shebang is going to cost me a bit of money when all's said and done. Now I am willing to use my considerable financial resources to help your brother out. But if I am going to part with my hard-earned cash, I want to be sure that things are going to be done properly, do you see? I don't want to pay a useless lawyer who is going to muck things up and get things wrong, potentially costing me a lot of money in wasted legal fees in the process. Surely you can see the sense in this? I asked for more details of the lawyer precisely to ensure that they were capable of doing the job efficiently. This lawyer appears not to be capable of this. She may yet prove me wrong. I hope so. Fourthly, you say that you are about to find someone else to do business with. Well, feel free to do so if you wish, but believe me, you would be making a mistake. In me you have found a trustworthy, reliable, honest and decent person, who is willing to go the extra mile to help your brother out. I am willing to put my personal and financial resources at your brother's disposal. Do you really want to throw this away? Yes, I may be outspoken. But I speak as I find for a reason. I do not suffer fools gladly, and if I find myself dealing with an incompetent buffoon (such as the lawyer), I will say so. I firmly believe that this has played a large part in my success in life. If I have insulted you or your brother, then I sincerely apologise. I have no problems with either of you. But, going on her performance so far, this lawyer will have to pull her socks up. I have already said that as soon as the lawyer provides me with details of her qualifications, I will send the bank their completed form. I suggest the lawyer applies herself to this as soon as possible. Now. I propose that we both take a step back from the brink, take breath, and start again. I want to help you and your brother. Do not throw away my honest offer of help. I look forward to hearing from you. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. I would very much appreciate it if you would address me correctly. I have mentioned this before. From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: WHY????? Sent: Tue, 23 Sep 2003 03:41:59 -0700 (PDT) Attn: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.), We expect that you send the bank remittance form to enable your fund transfer be processed. Also, it is surprising that instead of you to follow with instructions, you rather argue unnecessary things. Our bank accredited attorney is a senior advocate who has been soliciting for this bank for years and is in the best position to secure all fund clearances from the ministries on your behalf to enable your fund have a smooth remittance to your nominated bank account without any problem. Take this fact and let us move forward. Bank thereon is waiting to receive the remittance form. Thanks, Management BIAO BANK From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers Subject: Re: WHY????? Sent: Tue, 23 Sep 2003 22:21:49 Bapou, I am in receipt of your email. Despite my severe reservations about the seemingly incompetent attorney you propose to use, which have been exacerbated by her pathetic performance so far in this business, I am willing to accept your recommendation and move forward. I do not accept that I have been arguing over "unnecessary things", as you put it. Rather, I have been trying to ensure that the people I am dealing with are competent. I am satisfied that you and Alali Bali are worth your salt; I remain to be convinced about the lawyer. Hopefully she will prove my suspicions wrong. You cannot expect me to simply follow your instructions without question, if following your instructions mean that I end up dealing with a foam-headed muppet like this so-called Mrs Boma Manuel. I expect all those who I deal with to show at least an ounce of professionalism. This woman has not yet done so. Therefore, despite my reservations, I attach the completed remittance form for you. I hope that we can now continue with this transaction smoothly and without upset. I warn you though. Any more signs of incompetence from this lawyer woman and I will not be a happy man. Now that you have received the form from me, I expect your full attention to this business. Let's have no more delays. Rahim Alali is depending on us. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)  From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers Subject: Get a move on, man Sent: Wed, 24 Sep 2003 13:43:59 Bapou, I sent you your completed remittance form yesterday. And yet I have heard nothing back from you. What is going on over there? You've not been taking lessons in time wasting from that empty-headed lawyer woman, have you? Now. Let's have some movement from you. This whole hoo-hah has been going on too damn long for my liking. The longer you delay, the longer my good friend Rahim Alali's health is at risk. On your head be it if anything happens to him while you're busy sharpening your pencils. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers Subject: I am ready to complete this transaction Sent: Wed, 24 Sep 2003 21:17:33 Bapou, I sent you the completed remittance form. You did not respond. I emailed you urging you to act. You did not respond. How many times do I need to say this before I get through to you? I am now ready to move forward and complete the transaction. You now have everything you need from me to proceed. For god's sake, man, let's get this show on the road. I am sick of your prevarication. What is our next step? Rahim Alali is depending on us. Stop fraternising with your secretary or whatever it is you're doing and get on with it, man. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: How do we pay for the clearance paper works? Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 10:55:52 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I want to inform you that the lady lawyer you are insulting is our bank accredited attorney who has worked for our bank for so many years. The director who directed you to this woman is not stupid, she is not collecting any money for her services because the bank is paying her for working for our clients. All we need to pay for is for the documents she is going to acquire from the Ministry of Justice and the Ministry of Finance as clearance to enable the bank effect the transfer to your account without any questioning here. I met with this woman this morning. She was not happy because of the type of mail you wrote to her, and this nearly made her to push me out of her office, but I pleaded to her with other people in her chambers who made her to calm down. Sir, let me know from you how we are going pay for the clearance certificate? The woman told me that the two documents will cost 6,800 Euros. This is the only thing that is holding up the transfer. Thanks, Bali Alali From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: FUND TRANSFER Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 03:42:01 -0700 (PDT) Sir, With due respect to your personality, we wish to advise that your fund can only be wired to your bank account only when you co-operate and follow with directives, which is by coming down here to secure all required clearances from the Ministry of Finance and a sworn affidavit of claims from the Ministry of Justice, Cote d'Ivoire, to enable our bank to effect your immediate fund transfer to your nominated bank account. You have been notified earlier by the attorney for notarisation which they informed you to send the amount of 6,800 Euros via Western Union for fast receipt and securance of the clearance certificates so that your fund be transferred as instructed. Contact the attorney immediately and send the amount so that the clearances be secured ASAP. Upon receipt of the secured clearance certificates from the resident attorney, the bank will transfer your fund and you will confirm receipt of your transferred fund in under 48 hrs. Thanks for your anticipated co-operation. Management BIAO BANK From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers Subject: Regarding your emails Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 12:05:51 Bapou/Alali, I am in receipt of your emails. Good to see the train is back on the rails. Thought it was stuck in the station for a moment with the signal on red and the driver having a smoke behind the engine shed. This is good news. You both seem to have confidence in this lawyer woman. Well fair enough. I trust your judgement. I shall take your word for it that she knows what she's doing. I will contact her forthwith and sort out whatever needs to be done next. This is no time for hanging about. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Bapou - could you please confirm that the form I sent back was up to scratch? Got all the information you need, I take it? From: Gilbert Murray To: Equity Chambers; Cc: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali Subject: This fund transfer business Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 12:13:33 Dear Mrs Boma Manuel, Been corresponding with Bapou and Alali Bali about this fund transfer business. Despite my initial reservations on your competency, Bapou and Alali have convinced me to move forward with you. They seem to have confidence in your abilities, and who am I to argue? You're obviously not as stupid as your email suggested. Good show. Well done. Now. Apparently there is some money to be paid up front. Alali mentioned a figure of 6,800 Euros. Fair enough. Not a problem. What I want from you is the following. Please read this carefully so that it sinks in - I do not want to have to ask you twice for this information:
I can arrange the money transfer as soon as you get back to me with this information. I am placing my trust in you, my dear lady. Please do not let me down a second time. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. It is Mrs Murray's birthday next week. Not got a clue what to buy her. With you being a woman and all that, any advice you could give me on suitable presents would be much appreciated. From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: The petition I sent you Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 14:05:37 Alali, Quick reminder that I need that petition I sent you returned by tomorrow. Has to be back to me by then so I can forward it on to Jock McTavish, Campaign Manager for England for the English. Hope to see a good number of signatures on it. Look forward to receiving it from you tomorrow, if not before. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Equity Chambers To: Gilbert Murray Subject: URGENT Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 15:14:54 +0200 (CEST) Sir, Your mail was well received with contents noted. The amount you are required to send is for securing a fund clearance certificate from the Ministry of Finance, and also a sworn affidavit of claims from the Ministry of Justice, Cote d'Ivoire, which clears your fund from any illegal activities here in Africa and enables a smooth remittance of your fund to your account. Yes, Dr Paul Bapou is very right by advising you to send the amount by Western Union transfer, which will make it be received faster and secure your clearance certificates the same day, and be submitted to the bank for onward wire transfer of your fund to your account. You are therein to send the amount in the name of associate: Mrs Chinwendu Okafor Country: Cote d'Ivoire, West Africa And send the transfer informations to this mail address, such as test question and answer, including the control number. Sir, you can convert the worth of 6,800.00 Euros to Pounds Sterling and send the equivalent. Consider your fund transfer done, once the clearances are obtained. Thanks. Yours in service, Mrs Boma Manuel Esq. EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: The form will be completed very soon Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 14:51:19 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I have been doing my best to see the form filled completely. I have been going to some important personalities to see that this form is completed. It remains only five people to complete the form. Some of the ministers that gave me an appointment for them to sign the form gave me a date of next week. Sir, the form will be ready by Thursday next week. Then I will send it back to you. Please, you have to bear with me because it is not an easy task. Please sir, let me know if you have been able to hear from the lady attorney. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: Sending back the petition Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 17:31:04 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Glad to hear you're making progress with the petition. McTavish won't be pleased that it's late, but if as you say it contains some decent signatures on it, I should be able to placate him. Just make sure it's no later than next Thursday, else McTavish will have my guts for garters, do you see? On the subject of the petition, I sent one to your brother in Iraq too, but I've not received his back yet. Could you do me a favour and push him in the right direction please? I'd be obliged. Is he any better, by the way? You must let me know how he is. Now. The lawyer. She has indeed been in touch, and I have to tell you she made a lot more sense this time around. Maybe it was her time of the month or something the last time she emailed me. Women, eh? Can't live with em, can't live with em, as Squadron Leader Manning used to say. Take my mother in law, no really, go on, take her, and all that. Regarding this transaction. Things finally seem to be moving freely at last, so don't you worry about a thing. I'll co-ordinate everything with this Manuel woman and we'll have everything sorted out before you know it. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Equity Chambers Subject: FAO MRS BOMA MANUEL Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 17:33:59 Dear Mrs Boma Manuel, I am in receipt of your email. Pleased to be able to tell you that you made a lot more sense this time. Much better. Well done. Keep up the good work. Now then. I see why the money is required. No doubt you know what you're doing. I trust you have the necessary contacts at the appropriate ministries and are able to get the ball rolling, smooth its progress, etc. Expect your feminine charms come in handy at this juncture, if you know what I mean? Amazing the hoops a man will jump through when confronted by a well-turned leg and the hint of a petticoat. Know that well from my time in the RAF. Anyway, no need to tell you your job. Sure you're used to it. Lie back and think of England. Or the Ivory Coast in your case. Hope your husband doesn't mind. You talk about this "Western Union". Sorry if I sound like a bit of a buffo, but I'm a novice in the world of international finance, and I don't actually know what "Western Union" is, or how I go about using it. Or even where to go. I'm going to have to ask you for more information. Is this something my bank will be able to handle, or is it something that's specific to the Ivory Coast? And what do you mean by "test question and answer", and "control number"? Please explain. If this is a problem for you, I can always contact my own lawyer, Welsby, who I am sure will be able to put me right on the ins and outs of international finance. Wouldn't be any trouble for the man. Could contact him at the drop of a hat if need be. Please advise. Glad to hear we can do the business in Sterling, by the way. Much more to my liking. Don't hold with all this Euro nonsense. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. You made no mention of Mrs Murray's birthday. I asked you for your ideas on a suitable present. I really would appreciate the advice of a woman on this. What do you reckon? Shoes? Handbag? Jewellery? A new vacuum cleaner? Help a man out, there's a dear. From: Equity Chambers To: Gilbert Murray Subject: LEARN TO TALK AND BEHAVE LIKE A MAN Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 20:00:03 +0200 (CEST) Sir, Do not deceive yourself, because England has one of the biggest operational Western Union money transfers in the whole world. Also, you may be delaying your fund from being remitted should you keep on deceiving yourself. Please on a more serious note, you are warned to abstain from using useless words to me because I am married and blessed with children who are even married, so stop using such stupid words of yours to me, OK!!!! Your fund remains untransferred should you keep on delaying sending the amount for securing clearances or rather visit the offices yourself here in this country. Talk sense and stop talking like a fool. Bye. EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI From: Gilbert Murray To: Equity Chambers; Cc: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali Subject: The money is ready. Why will you not answer my query? Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 20:54:41 Dear Mrs Boma Manuel, I am in receipt of your email. I am baffled. I have asked you for more information on how to send you money via "Western Union", because I genuinely have not heard of this before, and need advice on how I use it. At present, I do not even know where to go in order to send you money via Western Union. I have never seen a Western Union branch in any town that I have visited. And yet, what do you do? You do not send me information on how I can send you money via Western Union. Instead, you send me a bizarre email in which you accuse me of delaying sending you the money. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SEND YOU MONEY VIA WESTERN UNION. I do not know how else to put it. It is all very well you telling me that "England has one of the biggest operational Western Union money transfers in the whole world". But this information is of no use to me if I have never heard of it, and have never seen one of their branches. The money is here, ready and waiting to be transferred to you. I simply do not know how to do this. I need more information from you on Western Union. Is there a website you can direct me towards, perhaps? Furthermore, I do not appreciate you calling me a "fool". This is no way to talk to a client who is preparing to transfer thousands of pounds to you. I would advise you to watch your mouth, my dear lady, or you can forget about this entire deal. I do not deal with people who insult me. I have dealt with a number of lawyers in the past, and I have never come across a lawyer as insolent and unhelpful as you. Alali, Bapou, can either of you help with this matter? It would appear that your lawyer is unwilling to pass on the information I need. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Equity Chambers; Cc: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali Subject: Western Union Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 08:56:27 Dear Mrs Boma Manuel, I have decided to travel into town this afternoon. Mrs Murray needs a bit of shopping and wants to look at a few hats. I am sure you understand. If I have not heard from you by lunchtime with further information on this "Western Union" business and how I should go about using it, I shall pop my head round the door of my lawyer Welsby, and ask him for advice on it. Sure he will have heard of "Western Union". You never know, he might also be able to give me a bit more advice on this whole matter. Sure he's dealt with things like this in the past. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Please ask your bank Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 10:01:53 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, This woman call my office this morning and was angry the way you wrote her yesterday. Please sir, I have respected you so much and don't know why you want to make things difficult for us. I don't believe that you don't know anything about Western Union money transfer. Anyway, it might be true. Sir, just go to your bank and ask them that you want to send money through Western Union and they will direct you how you can do that. Please sir, we have to use this morning hours to see that we end this matter than making thing that is very easy to become difficult. Go to your bank. They will direct you how you can make a Western Union transfer. Sir, make a move so that this woman will get this clearance today to allow the bank do the transfer today. You know my Rahim is very sick. We need to see that we can a least send a good news to him that the transfer has been effected. Expecting your response. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers Subject: Re: Please ask your bank Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 13:09:02 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Appreciate your response. I shall visit my bank while I am in town this afternoon and ask them for advice on this "Western Union" business. I should have plenty of time to talk this over with them and find out what I need to know. In fact, given the time it normally takes Mrs Murray to choose a hat, I will probably have time enough to arrange a mortgage, sort out my pension arrangements, revise my life insurance policies and draft a will. Not that I need to, you understand. Women and shopping, I don't know. I cannot for the life of me understand why you expect me to know all about this "Western Union" thing. I have never transferred money in this way before. Put yourself in my shoes, man: I know all about flying Vulcans and Harriers in a combat situation, but I would not expect you to know anything about this. It is not your field. International finance is not mine. So, good news for your sick brother. You can tell him that it's all go. Pass on my regards, will you? What exactly is it that's wrong with the man? I still don't know. Now. This lawyer woman. She is angry with me, is she? I am the one that should be angry with her. The bloody woman called me a fool yesterday. And she completely failed to provide me with any suggestions on what to get Mrs Murray for her birthday next week. What use is that? I never put up with that sort of insubordination in the RAF, I can tell you. However, for the sake of your afflicted brother I am willing to ignore her insults and move forward. Just you tell her to keep a civil tongue in her head, that's all. A man can only be pushed so far, do you see? I will get back to you as soon as I return from town. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers Subject: Western Union money transfer Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 15:51:49 Alali, I have just returned from town. After much deliberation at the milliners, Mrs Murray finally plumped for a fine looking blue pillbox affair that will be very fitting for her appearances at England for the English rallies. Most suitable. While Mrs Murray was immersing herself in the world of fashionable headwear, I popped round the corner to my bank, and gained an audience with the bank manager, Mr Nathaniel West. Decent chap. Doesn't stand on ceremony or anything. Asked me to call him "Nat". Perhaps a tad over-familiar, but there you go. I think it's what they call "customer service" these days. Take note, Bapou. Well, this West chap was most obliging and told me all I need to know about "Western Union". Sounds like an excellent method of transferring money around the world. Turns out my bank doesn't deal with Western Union itself, but there are a couple of agents in town. However, West proved himself very useful, and suggested to me that a simpler and cheaper method of getting the money to you would be a straight bank transfer. This would cut out all the fees and overheads charged by Western Union, and would also save you from having to go anywhere to pick up the money. Seeing as you work in a bank yourself, this makes it even easier. Can't think why you didn't suggest this yourself. So. To make things easier for all of us, I propose to transfer the money directly from my bank account into a bank account nominated by you. West tells me that all I need is your sort code, account number and account name, and we are in business. Obviously, I already have all the other details I need about your bank. The bank is obviously closed now, and we can't do much over the weekend. However, get me this information sometime over the weekend and I'll transfer the money straight over first thing Monday morning. What could be simpler? Good show. Hope you have a fine weekend planned. Mrs Murray and I are heading over to a fundraising comedy night on Saturday in aid of the England for the English campaign. Light entertainment, you know the sort of thing. Dai Llewellyn, our Fundraising Manager, has managed to book a few rather impressive names for the night, including none other than The Chuckle Brothers, The Krankies, Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear, and the star of the show, Bernie Clifton. That man has me in stitches. Especially that thing he does with the ostrich, do you know? Should be a marvellous evening. Looking forward to it immensely. Well now. Get me the banking details I need, and we'll have the money transferred to you on Monday morning. Then that Manuel woman can get to work on our behalf and start earning her salary. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Follow instructions for safe transfer Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 08:26:37 -0700 (PDT) Dear sir, With due respect, we humbly ask that you work in line with the bank accredited attorney's instructions, because the amount which you are sending is not meant for this bank or the attorney's fee, but rather it is for the purpose of the lawyer securing the government required clearance certificates to enable your fund have a smooth inflow to your bank account. Good thing that you have known what Western Union money transfer is, so send the money today by Western Union as the attorney instructed to enable them receive it quick and secure the clearance certificates since the time difference here is same London time. The Equity law firm has their operating bank account with which they do receive money, and will be willing to give it out to you to transfer the amount but that will take some days to clear which will delay the transaction. As such, the best way to sort out such international fast transfers are by Western Union money transfer, which is being received immediately after payment. But if you must insist to send by bank to bank, then the Equity Chambers will be very willing to give you an account for the transfer, but remember it will delay. We have informed you. Congrats to you and madam. Thanks, Mrs Regina Koyi Secretary BIAO BANK From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers Subject: Regarding your email Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 16:52:01 My dear Mrs Koyi, I am in receipt of your email. Thank you for the information. Most useful. Have to say, I'm confused. Is this your email address or Bapou's email address? Well, no matter. Apologies if I've been addressing you as "Bapou" all this time, madam. But here's a tip: it helps if you always put your name at the end of each email you send, rather than simply putting "Management". You signed your name at the end of your last email. Well done. Good work. I suggest you ask Bapou to start doing the same. Saves unnecessary confusion and all that, do you see? Perhaps a change in banking procedures is called for here? You'll be thanking me for that little tip, no doubt. Not a problem. Don't mention it. Now then. I hear what you're saying about the pros and cons of Western Union versus bank transfer. What you said made a lot of sense. That Manuel woman could learn a thing or two from you, my dear. As I'm back home now, it's too late to send the money either way until start of business Monday morning, so I will mull it over in my mind over the weekend and decide which method to use. Keen to avoid delays, as ever, so from what you say, it'll be worth going the Western Union route come Monday, even if it does cost a little more. Assuming I do go via Western Union, I'm assuming that this Manuel woman is capable of picking up the money as required once I've transferred it. Wouldn't normally ask, but it seems to me that the Western Union method requires a bit more user interaction at your end than a simple bank transfer, and I've not been that impressed with Mrs Manuel's performance so far. Wouldn't like to think I'd sent the money through only for her to mess it all up at your end. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Equity Chambers To: Gilbert Murray Subject: This is their website: www.westernunion.com Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 17:55:57 +0200 (CEST) Sir, We the entire staff of Equity legal firm, apologise for any insult passed on you, and do hope that you will understand that we are out to help you. You will find informations and locations of Western Union money transfer in this website: www.westernunion.com. Then you will find that it does exist all around you. Make the payment to have the clearance secured. It is very important you note that bank can be blamed but not to say that they will pay, it is absolutely impossible as banks all over the world encounter such errors in the Telex Department, and in such situations the beneficiary can not abandon his or her fund than to meet with the requirements to enable such funds be released. Hope you would not allow your fund stay for too long or even get confiscated by any authority. Thanks, Mrs Regina Koyi Secretary BIAO BANK From: Equity Chambers To: Gilbert Murray Subject: This is their website: www.westernunion.com Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 17:58:55 +0200 (CEST) Sir, We the entire staff of Equity legal firm, apologise for any insult passed on you, and do hope that you will understand that we are out to help you. You will find informations and locations of Western Union money transfer around you in this website: www.westernunion.com. Then you will find that it does exist all around you. Make the payment today to have the clearance secured and for BIAO Bank to transfer your fund. Thanks, Equity Chambers Cabinet From: BIAO Bank To: Gilbert Murray Subject: We work half day tomorrow Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 09:33:04 -0700 (PDT) Dear Sir, Thanks for your prompt response, and know that we want your fund remittance to be among the first transfers that will be handled by next week. Also, take to instructions so that we achieve your successful fund transfer to your nominated bank account. Send the money by Western Union tomorrow as we work half day. Website: www.westernunion.com. You will find England location centres where you can send from. Please sir, I am the Secretary to Dr Paul Bapou, the Director of the Foreign Remittance Department, BIAO Bank, and the mail address is the bank's mailing address. I am sometimes instructed to type our clients' message and send. Thanks, Mrs Regina Koyi Secretary From: Gilbert Murray To: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers; Cc: Bali Alali Subject: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 17:35:42 What the bloody hell is going on here? I get two emails, in quick succession, both from the same email address, equity_chambers03@yahoo.fr, which I thought was the lawyer's email address. The two emails both have exactly the same title. The two emails also have exactly the same content, apart from the end, where one purports to be from "Mrs Regina Koyi" of the BIAO Bank, and the other purports to be from "Equity Chambers Cabinet" - the company that Manuel woman is supposed to work for. And yet both emails have both obviously been written and sent by the same person. Explain yourselves! Who wrote these emails? Mrs Koyi or Mrs Manuel? What the blazes is the Secretary of the BIAO Bank doing sending emails from that Manuel woman's email address? Or did Mrs Manuel write them both? From what I can see, it would appear that "Mrs Koyi" and "Mrs Manuel" are the same damn person! Or perhaps that Manuel woman has multiple personalities? Or is this just another one of her interminable cock-ups? And why do this Manuel woman's emails appear to come from someone called "Bob Manuel"? Is this a cross-dresser we're dealing with? A transvestite? Confused about his/her gender, are they? I think there's something fishy going on around here. I've a nose for it. Explain yourselves, god damn it! And what about this Bapou chap? Does he actually exist, or is he the same person? I demand an explanation from you IMMEDIATELY. And it had better be a good explanation at that. I demand to know EXACTLY what is going on here. I've never come across anything quite so bizarre in all my dealings with banks and lawyers in all my life. No money is leaving my hands until this matter is cleared up to my absolute and complete satisfaction. This is no way to run a business transaction. And it is certainly no way to run a bank or a legal firm. I'm appalled. Absolutely bloody appalled. Let's have an explanation by return, or you can consider this whole matter CLOSED. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Equity Chambers To: Gilbert Murray Subject: We are sorry sir Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 18:43:58 +0200 (CEST) Dear Sir Murray, Please do not misunderstand me, I am ready and willing to render my good professional services to you and you will at its end be satisfied. I am sorry if I have used harsh words, which was simply because I need to protect my married status. I ask that you send the amount through Western Union money transfer which is the best way to receive the money faster and eradicate the outstanding situation of securing the clearance certificates. I expect that you send it tomorrow and guarantee to secure your fund clearances to enable the bank to transfer your fund. In case you find it difficult to locate a Western Union office, you should lodge in this website to find the nearest location: www.westernunion.com. Please sir, do not be annoyed as I am here to render you good services. Thanks. Yours in service, Mrs Manuel Esq. EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I will apply for change of account Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 19:16:44 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I am very surprised on all this you are talking about, you have started finding another fault. Please, if you don't want to assist on this transaction for this fund to be transferred, you make it open to me in time so that we will look for someone else. You have delayed this transaction so much and don't even care what my brother and his family is passing through over there in Iraq. Sir, you are the one making all this mistake which is very wrong. You send mail and you will copy it to the bank, it is very wrong. I have never come across a man like you before. You make simple things look difficult and if you are corrected you will still claim right, which is very wrong. You are the person sending copies of mail of another address to another person. If you are not ready to continue, then stop. Let me look for another person to take over your place, because I will not waste my time with you and blame myself if something happens to my brother and his family. If this transaction does not finish on Monday, I will apply for change of beneficiary account and look for a more capable hand that will handle this transaction. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers Subject: You have not explained what is going on here Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 23:29:38 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Stop your blustering, man. It is you and your brother who need this transaction to succeed, not me. I am not a fool, so stop treating me like one. How dare you go on about me "finding another fault"? As a result of the emails I have received today, it has become perfectly obvious that "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" are one and the same person. Instead of complaining, you should be thankful that I have uncovered this now obvious deception. I asked for an explanation for this. So far, none has been forthcoming. It is now blatantly obvious that "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" are actually same person. It is not worth trying to deny it. The question that remains is who they are trying to deceive - me or you? If you know that they are the same person, I must presume that you are in league with them, trying to deceive me. If you were not aware of this fact, it would appear that they are trying to deceive you as well as me. Despite all that has happened so far, I still trust you. However, I now have absolutely NO trust in "Mrs Regina Koyi" or "Mrs Boma Manuel", who as far as I know, are probably one and the same person. As I said in my last email, the money is ready to be transferred to enable this transaction to continue. However, NO money is leaving my hands until this disturbing matter has been thoroughly explained to my satisfaction. And for the record, I do care what happens to your brother. Believe me, I am a compassionate man, and it matters greatly to me. The matter is with you now, Alali. Explain these deeply worrying inconsistencies or wave goodbye to my assistance, and to my money. Then try explaining that to your sick brother. Get back to me by return. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Equity Chambers To: Gilbert Murray Subject: TALK GENTLY ALWAYS PLEASE AND NOT BEING HARSH Sent: Sat, 27 Sep 2003 15:36:10 +0200 (CEST) Sir, We are surprised that instead of you following with procedures of remitting your fund, that you find more time instead in looking to areas that does not affect your transaction. BIAO Bank is our client bank and we notarise and legalise funds for smooth remittance, our staff secretary is attached with the bank for emergency handling affairs so the mail sent to you has nothing strange about it as this is the operational code unit. Should you need our services, we will proceed to procure the clearances on your behalf. Thanks. Yours in service, EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: This is all I have for you Sent: Sat, 27 Sep 2003 18:13:30 +0100 (BST) Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, All I have to explain to you and stand the fact is that Mrs Regina and Mrs Boma Manuel are two different persons. I have it in mind that you are not sending any money to me. If you say you are not going to continue, I will never in his life plead to you, but all I will do is to get someone who will take your place and I will apply to the bank for change of account to new person's account. So do not think you are doing any good to me. If you continue or not, I have already given you my mandate that if you can not complete this transaction by Monday, I will take my action, because you have delayed this transaction and I will not continue waiting for you while my brother and his family are suffering in Iraq. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers Subject: Despite my reservations, I will move forward Sent: Sun, 28 Sep 2003 20:51:52 Alali, Despite your abrupt (some would say rude) email and your complete failure to provide me with any explanation as to how "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" are able to send me identical emails from the same address, I am willing to proceed. This is purely out of my concern for the wellbeing of your poor brother in Iraq. However, I still retain my suspicions. Be warned: I fear that whoever is pretending to be "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" is probably trying to deceive us both. Watch your back. I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. Now then. This so-called Manuel woman instructed me to send the money to a "Mrs. Chinwendu Okafor". Who is this? Does this woman actually exist, or is she the same person as "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel"? Have you ever seen these three people in the same room together? Provide me with information on who this woman is, first thing tomorrow morning, and I will travel into town and transfer the money as required. But I warn you. The first sign of any monkey business from any of these so-called women and I will come down on them like a ton of bricks. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. You still have not told me what is wrong with your brother. How difficult can it possibly be to put this information in an email? Tell me at once for god's sake. From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Do not be afraid of anything Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 11:22:57 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I have told you that these two people are not the same. Mrs Koyi is our bank's Secretary and Mrs Manuel is the bank's accredited attorney. I called Mrs Manuel's office this morning to ask her about Mrs Chiwendu Okefor. She informed me that she is one of the associates in her chambers that will go to pick up the money immediately you send it. Sir, I don't know why you will have fear when I am here to see that everything went well. Please send them the money, then inform me with the copy of the transfer information so that I will follow up to see that they will get the clearance today and also effect the transfer. About my brother's illness, the wife informed me that the doctor said that he had heart attack, and up till now he is still in coma. Expecting your urgent response. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers Subject: The Western Union payment has been made Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 12:03:58 Alali, Just got back from town and read your email. Dreadful news about your brother. Heart attack, you say? In a coma eh? Terrible news. Poor show. Sure the doctors are doing all they can. Hope the man will be well enough to leave Iraq as planned when the time comes. Preferably walking, and not in a box, do you see? My sympathy. Anyway, to business. Pleased to be able to tell you that I popped into town early morning and have made the money transfer via Western Union. Never used the service before. Surprisingly easy after all that kerfuffle we had earlier. As I refuse to have anything to do with all this Euro nonsense, I have converted the amount you quoted into good old English Pounds Sterling. Came to 4711.29. Rounded it down to 4711.00 to make the figures easier. Trust this is acceptable. Presume you can collect the amount in groats or beads or whatever you use for currency down there. Now. You'll need the details of the payment so you can collect the money. Slight problem at the bureau de change - couldn't find the piece of paper on which I'd written this Chinwendu Okapi's name and couldn't remember how to spell it - but not to worry, I made the payment out to that Manuel woman instead. Trust she can pop her head round the door of her local Western Union office and pick up the payment without any trouble. So. Here's the details you need: Receiver's name: Mrs Boma Manuel Test question: My favourite song? Answer: The Urban Spaceman Had a bit of trouble thinking of a suitable question. Came up with this one off the top of my head. Favourite song. By the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Quintessentially English group. Marvellous. Talking of light entertainment, Mrs Murray and I had a cracking time at the England for the English fundraising comedy night on Saturday. Bit of an awkward situation when The Krankies turned up and they turned out to be Scottish - can't have any Celtic types performing at one of our rallies for god's sake - but Dai Llewellyn called in a few favours and managed to get hold of Max Boyce, who stepped in at the last minute and gave a damn good performance. To be honest, nobody was too disappointed not to see The Krankies. Something damn odd about a grown woman dressing up like a schoolboy and sitting on her husband's lap if you ask me. Shouldn't be allowed. Have to say, Bernie Clifton was undoubtedly the star of the show. That ostrich may be looking a bit threadbare after all these years, but I laughed so much I nearly soiled myself. Not his legs, do you see? Fake ostrich and all that? Now. Back to business. Let me know as soon as you've collected the money and give me some idea of what our next step is. I gather this is where that Manuel woman tugs a few strings at the relevant ministries. As long as that's all she has to tug, do you get my drift? And let's have no more of these interminable delays. Best foot forward and all that. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Informations not complete Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 13:47:25 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I just called the attorney's office and the woman informed me that you did not give her the complete informations of the transferred amount, such as the control number and sender's name. It is quite obvious that the lawyer will secure the clearances once received the amount from you, so please avoid any delay so that this fund can be transferred to your bank account today after getting the clearances. Sir, send to her the control number and the sender's name so that she can collect the money today and secure the clearance certificates. Expecting your urgent response. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers Subject: Re: Informations not complete Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 14:03:33 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. I omitted the sender's name as you know it already! It is my name, for god's sake. I only have the one name. As for the control number, it is written down somewhere, but the young girl at the bureau de change informed me that it was not that important - that all you really needed to pick up the money was the test question and answer. The paperwork is in the study somewhere, but I've no time to go rooting through my piles of correspondence this afternoon to find a number you don't need. More delays. This is no way to carry on when your brother is in a coma. Contact me when that Manuel woman has collected the money. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Informations not complete Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 14:59:46 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I believe that you are not ready for this transaction. I have met with this woman and she told me that I should forget you, that you are joker, that you are not ready to help my brother, that no reasonable person will be behaving the way you are doing. Sir, like I told you, I have only today with you and let me tell you, this woman has decided not to write you any longer till you prove yourself to be a normal person. They all take you as to be irresponsible. The Bank Director said that you are drunk and that you can not handle this transaction, so sir, since this transaction began I have never seen any thing serious in you like they have said. If you are being truthful to yourself, send the woman the slip you used in making the transfer. Please, this will be my last mail to you. If I do not see anything fruitful from you, then today I will apply for the change of your account and another person will take your place. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers Subject: How dare you speak to me like that? Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 15:33:01 Alali, I am in receipt of your astonishing email. How dare you speak to me like that, you impudent cur? Your so-called lawyer calls me a "joker", the so-called director of your so-called bank calls me a "drunk", and you sir, you add insult to injury by telling me that I am not serious. You can tell your bloody "bank director" to shove his remittance form up his APACS, for a start. I am doing all I can here to help your brother, and what do I get from you and your bunch of indolent cronies? Insults! Bloody insults! And all this while your poor brother lies in his sick bed! Before you start insulting me, sir, I suggest you take a long hard look at the knaves and varlets you appear to be surrounding yourself with. I have never in my life seen such a breathtaking display of incompetence like this. And I have been to Wales, sir, and they know a thing or two about incompetence there, let me tell you. Unless I receive a full apology from you, Bapou and "Mrs Boma Manuel", I am going to revisit the Western Union office and withdraw the money transfer that I made this morning. And then you can all go to hell as far as I am concerned. Returning to the business in hand, let me put this to you, clear and plain. I have given you all the information you need to collect the money I transferred via Western Union this morning. Here is the information once again, in the hope that it sinks in this time: Sender's name: Mr Gilbert Arnold Murray (that's me, for god's sake) Receiver's name: Mrs Boma Manuel Test question: My favourite song? Answer: The Urban Spaceman As for the control number, I have rifled through the piles of paperwork in my study, and I believe that the number is 8455390274. Although as I have told you already, you do not need this number to collect the money. Be thankful that I am not there with you in person, or I would treat you like my computer and punch the information into you. Now. Get that so-called lawyer's lazy arse into gear. Tell the woman to stop painting her nails and send her to collect the money forthwith so that we can proceed. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Attach the transfer slip and send to the woman Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 16:19:11 +0100 (BST) Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, The woman told me that she called the Western Union and gave them the information and they said that there is no such transfer. You need to send the slip through attachment to prove to them that you are telling the truth. I was there. Even I was mad with the woman, but when she called the Western Union office I was disappointed. I am writing you now from her office. If you know what you saying, please attach the transfer slip to her and copy to me. This is the only thing that will make me believe you because the woman is taking me to be a fool, that since she started doing such transactions with people, that this is the only different one that everything is a lie. Please prove yourself. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers Subject: How dare you impugn my honesty? Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 16:53:49 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. Two things. ONE. You have not apologised for the unforgivable insults you directed towards me in your last email. Nor have I received apologies from that Manuel woman, or from Bapou. I demand an apology. TWO. You are now calling me a liar. I cannot believe this. I am an Englishman - my word is my bond - and my reputation is extremely important to me. How dare you imply that I am being in any way deceitful? Are you taking the word of the shady "Mrs Boma Manuel" over my own word? I have told you that I have transferred the money via Western Union. And yet you have the nerve to doubt me. Why the blazes would I lie? What in god's name could I possibly stand to gain from lying to you in this caper? It makes no sense, man. THREE. I will not jump through hoops on your command, simply to satisfy your so-called lawyer's fevered whims. Are you playing games with me, man? Besides, even if I wanted to scan in the transfer slip and send it to you, I could not do so; I have lent my scanner to the England for the English Vice-President, Colm O'Reilly, so that he can produce more campaign literature. Okay, that's three things, not two. No matter. Now. Have you considered that your local Western Union agent might be at fault? They may have some problem with their computer system, for example. Alternatively, your local Western Union agent may simply not know their arse from their elbow. Perhaps Mrs Boma Manuel and your local Western Union agent attended the same school and they both received the same lamentably poor standard of education. I suggest you do two things, immediately: ONE. Send me an immediate apology. TWO. Get down to your Western Union agent and sort things out. Perhaps if you were to accompany that Manuel woman, you might be able to get some sense out of them. If you want something done properly, do it yourself, man. I knew a simple bank transfer would have been easier. What did I tell you last week? It would have saved all this pissing around and we would have been home and dry by now. I await your response. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: How can my brother trust a man like you? Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 18:31:25 +0100 (BST) Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, I went to the Western Union office with the woman attorney. In my own presence they told us that there is no money sent with the informations you sent. You just made us look stupid before the officers. Sir, I informed you that I will be applying for the change of account today and that is what I will do. Thanks for your effort so far. Thanks, Bali Alali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: What is the matter with you? Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 20:56:31 Alali, I am in receipt of your email. I am at a loss for words. What can possibly be so difficult about collecting this money? It was a simple task for me to send it to you via Western Union. Surely it is a simple task for you to pick it up? You work in a bank, for god's sake. Surely you are used to dealing with money transfers. How on earth have you managed to make such a lamentable cock-up of this affair? I'll bet your brother won't be pleased when he hears about your incompetence in this matter. It's lucky for you that he is currently in a coma. Otherwise I expect he would be wanting to tear a strip off you. And don't blame me for making you look stupid at the Western Union office. If you ask me, that's something you do spectacularly well on your own. What should I do about the money I have transferred via Western Union? It is still there waiting for you. Surely you don't want me to cancel the transaction? Wouldn't want to think I was wasting my time with this caper. Let me know how we proceed from here. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Looking forward to receiving that completed petition from you on Thursday. Can't wait to see what signatures you've collected for me. The entire England for the English campaign will be most grateful for your efforts. From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: My petition Sent: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 12:03:26 Alali, Expecting to receive that petition from you today. Make sure it gets to me by the end of the day, will you? It's late already. Chop chop, man. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Bali Alali To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Answer me Sent: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 15:27:54 +0100 (BST) Gilbert, Are you OK? Are you a fool? Are you a drunk? Please let me know. Thanks, Bali From: Gilbert Murray To: Bali Alali Subject: I now consider this matter closed Sent: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 16:36:10 Alali, How many times do I have to remind you, the correct manner of address is "Wing Commander Murray"? Show some respect when talking to your superiors, god damn it. I take it from your impudent email that you will not be returning my petition. Well, so be it. I don't know you try to do something decent to help out your fellow man, and what do you get in return? Nothing but insolence and ingratitude. We'd have soon whipped you into shape in the RAF, let me tell you. As a result of your insolence and your astonishing level of incompetence and stupidity, I now consider our business relationship over and done with. I have therefore cancelled the Western Union money transfer and retrieved my money. I have to say, it's your brother I feel sorry for. If you were incapable of making a success of this business with me, I doubt you'll have much success with anyone else. Please pass on my regards to your incompetent colleagues. I now consider this matter closed. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) Copyright 2003-2025 www.gilbertmurray.co.uk. All rights reserved. Copyright notice |
|
|
