In which Gilbert is offered yet another chance to claim the funds left by yet another family of immensely rich people who died in yet another tragic plane crash (leaving behind no relatives, of course).

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray - cess pit cleaner extraordinaire.
Dr Marc Anthony - allegedly the Manager of Bill and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of the Bank of Africa.
Jibril Usman - allegedly the Director of the Foreign Remittance Department of the Bank of Africa, the spelling of whose name varies wildly.
Longinus Iwunna - allegedly a Secretary at the Bank of Africa.
Johnson Brown - a completely unrelated scammer, who just happens to have the same name as the person who has allegedly died in an air crash.

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent Please

Sent: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 01:12:04 +0200 (CEST)

Dear,

Greeting to you,

I am Dr Marc Anthony from the northern part of Burkina Faso. I want to seek your assistance after my discovery during auditing in my bank as am the Manager of Bill and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of BANK OF AFRICA (BOA). In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $10.8 million in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in plane crashes of NOVEMBER 1, 2001.

Since his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking and financial policies but unfortunately all the efforts proved abortive.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided as the head of my department to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bills.

Do not view this as being illegal but an opportunity for us to help enrich our hope in life instead of the bank converting this much money to the security funds. You should not nurse any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the smooth transfer of these funds and your acceptance is what will crown this effort.

We will conclude this operation within fourteen banking days based on the amount of co-operation you will contribute.

Thank you for your understanding as await your urgent response to enable me give you more details. Please reply to marcony75@yahoo.fr for security.

Remain blessed,

Dr Marc Anthony

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: Re: Urgent Please

Sent: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 08:49:55

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your email. I have to say, I am rather intrigued by the proposal you are putting forward. I don't know why you chose to send it to me - or how you came across my email address - but as it happens I am currently on the lookout for some funding to finance an expansion of my business. Your interesting proposal could be just the sort of thing I am looking for.

Please send me further information. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Go through and get back to me

Sent: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 14:29:49 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Mr Gilbert,

Greeting from my side.

Thanks for your understanding response towards my proposal mail to you.

Please, below is my instructions of how to do the deal with you, because I don't want to lose this opportunity. If you agree with me I will send to you a sketch of paying application which you will fill very carefully and send to the bank so that we will wait and know what will be their response.

The thing involved is as follows:

You have to keep this as top secret between you and I. This is to avoid lockage (sic) of any kind.
You must keep to yourself as soon as this money enters your account people knowing your secret for them not being greedy to expose you and I.
You must abide to the instructions of the bank to avoid being suspicious the bank officials who is going to process the transfer documents.
I will send you a fund release application which you are going to fill very well and send to bank for notification transfer of your fund to your nominated bank account.
You will make sure that you provide a good account that can carry up this huge amount of money without problems.
I will be giving you all the secret informations that may be asked by the bank if any, but make sure you do things as directed by me so that you will not encounter any embarrassments for the paying bank.
I'm assuring you of 100% risk free if you will keep this highly confidential and keep to the orders from the bank and as directed.
If possible I advise you not to do as if you have known anybody in the bank before now that you have been planning on how to come for this claim but time has not permitted you because of internal problems.

You are free to call and ask questions that you are not OK with. My telephone number is 00226-78864349.

Thanks for your understanding.

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I have a question

Sent: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 14:45:37

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your prompt response to my email, and for providing me with further details about your business proposal.

I must say, having reread your original email, it strikes me what terrible luck this late customer of yours had. For him and his entire family to all lose their lives in a series of aeroplane crashes is bad luck enough, but for the aeroplane crashes all to have occurred on the same day is almost unbelievably bad luck. What a dark day 1st November 2001 must have been for the aerospace industries of Burkina Faso. At least there was nobody left in the family to mourn for the deceased.

Anyway, they do say that every cloud has a silver lining, and this particular cloud seems to be no exception: this proposal of yours looks as if it will provide me with more than enough funds to expand my business. If only your late customer and his family could have known, as their stricken aeroplanes spiralled out of the sky and fell to the ground like stones, that their immense fortune would end up helping out others. It might just have made their certain impending deaths a little bit easier to bear. It might even have caused a smile to flicker briefly across their screaming, terrified faces, seconds before their lives were extinguished at the moment of impact.

Now then, although you described this transaction admirably in your email, I would appreciate it if you could clear up one small query for me. In point 1 of your email, you referred to "lockage" and said that we should avoid it. According to my dictionary, "lockage" is "a fee charged for passage through a lock in a canal or waterway". How exactly will this affect our business, Dr Anthony? I would have thought that banks transferred funds between accounts electronically these days, rather than by physically transferring the money by boat. Or do things work differently in Burkina Faso? Does this lockage fee tend to be expensive? Is that why we should do our best to avoid it? Please explain.

You stated in your email that confidentiality was of the utmost importance in this transaction. I would like to assure you that I will not reveal details of our business to anyone: not even to my wife Elizabeth. It will be a nice surprise for her when the money comes through.

I look forward to working with you on this project, Dr Anthony. Do get back to me as soon as you can.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 16:16:13 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your mail. Please call me immediately as soon as you receive this mail to enable me tell you how we are going to start.

Don't be afraid of anything. I am here to give you every informations needed in this transaction.

Thanks,

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I can't call you, for reasons of confidentiality

Sent: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 15:46:09

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, calling you is rather difficult, as I share an office with my business partner, Lepidus, and I don't want him to get wind of this transaction.

Could I ask you to respond to my questions by email, please? No doubt we will be able to talk later, but at the moment I am afraid that it is not an option.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 23:44:24 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

I read your mail and understand you very well, but there is no way I can do such big business with you without calling me. I believe that is blind business.

So if you know that you are willing to do the business with me you have call me. Even if it is a public phone there is no problem. Is not necessary that you must call me from your office.

Thanks,

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I cannot telephone you without breaching our tight security

Sent: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 08:47:37

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your email. Believe me, my dear fellow, I do want to move forward with the opportunity you have so kindly placed in my lap: you seem to be providing me with the ideal way of funding my planned business expansion.

However, telephoning you on this matter will be very difficult. I have already told you that I cannot telephone you from my office, as I do not want my business partner, Lepidus, to know anything about your proposal. To be perfectly honest with you, Lepidus is proving to be more of a hindrance than a help these days, and I am planning to buy his share of the business once our transaction has been completed so that I can go it alone. Of course, I have not mentioned any of this to him yet.

On top of this, telephoning you from home is equally difficult, as I do not want my wife Elizabeth to know anything about this transaction; I am keen to maintain absolute confidentiality, as you demanded.

Furthermore, I cannot telephone you from a public telephone box, as there are none in this area; I live in a very remote part of England, and the last public telephone boxes were removed some years ago as they proved to be too expensive to maintain.

Looking at this another way, conducting our business over the internet does have its advantages, other than excellent security. For one thing, we will both have a written record of our business decisions, so there will be no doubt as to what we have decided to do.

With this in mind, Dr Anthony, please get back to me as soon as you can with an answer to the question I put to you yesterday regarding this problem we may have to face with excessive "lockage" fees, then we can move forward. Tis time we twain did show ourselves in the field.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please fill this application and send it to the bank immediately and inform me

Sent: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 14:54:25 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your mail. Please, I want you to fill this application very well and send it to the bank immediately to enable us to know their response. Make sure that you call me as soon as you send the application so that I will monitor every situation here in the bank. If you can remember what I told you in my second mail that after the money hits your account I will come down for my own 60% percent while you will have 30% then 10% percent for every expenses both of us made in this transaction.

Please send it through the bank email address immediately.

Thanks and remain bless.

Dr Marc

NB. Please if you receive any proposal like my own, it may be with another country's name, don't ever reply it, rather forward it to me because the bank may try to know if you are the real next of kin to this money by sending such thing to you to find out.

Mr Jibril Usman
The Director
Foreign Remittance Dept
Bank Of Africa
Ouagadougou
Burkina Faso
Email: boafricabf@excite.com
Email: boafricabf@ahoo.fr (sic)
Tel/Fax: 00226 50420130

Sir,

APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF MY LATE UNCLE'S FUND MR JOHNSON BROWN

I Mrs......................................of the address stated below here by apply for the payment of my late uncle's fund of $10.8 million dollars in your bank. My late uncle died with his family in a plane crash while travelling for holidays with his family in NOVEMBER 2001.The family members have now asked me to apply for the payment of his left fund of $10.8 million dollars in your bank as his next of kin. His account number in your bank is 00142566BOA56231. With this, I request that the balance in his account mentioned above should be transferred to my account as stated below.

NAME: ..................................................

BANK NAME: ....................................................

ACCOUNT NO: ..........................................................

CITY: ..........................................................

COUNTRY: ...............................................

DATE OF BIRTH: ........................................................

POFFESSION: (sic)...........................................

NATIONALITY: ...........................................

PHONE NUMBER: ........................................

FAX NUMBER: ................................................

I strongly believe that my application will meet your urgent and favourable consideration.

Yours faithfully.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: A few small queries

Sent: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 16:37:44

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your email, and for sending me the text of the application that I need to send to the bank, which I printed out when Lepidus was not looking.

I have cast my eyes over this text, and I have a few small queries. I would be grateful if you could provide me with answers to them so that I can send an email to the bank:

You have given me two email addresses for the bank. Which one should I use?
The second email address you sent me ended in "ahoo.com". Is this correct, or should it read "yahoo.com"? Please advise.
The text of the application begins "I, Mrs...", but as you know, I am a man, not a woman. Does this mean that you want me to pose as a woman? If so, what name should I put on the application form? Should I make up any woman's name?
If I apply for this using a woman's name, won't this cause problems when the bank comes to transfer the money into my bank account, as the name on my bank account is obviously my own name, and not a woman's name?
The application has a section entitled "POFESSION". What does this mean? I don't know what to write here at all.

On top of this, you still have not advised me how we are going to get around these expensive lockage fees that you warned me about the other day. I am starting to get rather worried about this: a friend of mine had a cousin who once worked a barge for a living - his heart was to the rudder tied by the strings - and I remember him telling me that the costs of running such a boat could be quite considerable.

Please get back to me as soon as you can with answers to my queries. I will send the application to the bank as soon as I hear back from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Do what I said urgent

Sent: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 00:32:37 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your mail. You can send it to the two email addresses so that they will know that you are serious (boafricabf@yahoo.fr or boafricabf@excite.com).

You have to use your correct name so that there will be no argument when transferring the money to your account. Please correct it and put it Mr Gilbert Murray.

The place they write profession means what you are doing for your living, example trader, teacher and farmer. Whatever you do for your living you have to put it there.

About the expenses, whatever you spend in this transaction you have to note it down. As soon as the money is transferred to your account you take whatever you spend before we share the money.

Secondly remember what I told you to keep this transaction top secret because people are bad. I don't want to suffer in vain.

My dear, don't forget to let me know as soon as you send the application to the bank so that I will monitor every situation here in the bank. If you follow my instructions I promise you that this fund will be in your account within ten days.

Waiting to hearing from you as soon as you send it.

Thanks,

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: Thank you for your explanation

Sent: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 09:44:05

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your email, and for your answers to my queries. I think I understand everything now.

Unfortunately, I will have no time to complete the application and send it to the bank today; I will be busy with work all day. This is rather a difficult period for Lepidus and I in our business - we empty cesspits and clean septic tanks by the way - as a competitor, Pompey, has set up in business in the next village and is attempting to steal our customers from us.

If we are going to stop our customers from deserting us, Lepidus and I are going to have to jump into action and assemble we immediate council: Pompey thrives in our idleness. Therefore we are going to have to spend the day visiting our customers and persuading them to remain with us, rather than transferring their business to Pompey.

Lepidus and I may have our differences, but the fear of losing business to Pompey may cement our divisions and bind up the petty difference.

I am sorry for any delay that this may cause, but it is unfortunately unavoidable. However, please be assured that I will examine this application in detail this weekend, and get it sent off to the bank by Monday morning at the very latest. I trust this will be satisfactory.

I wish you a pleasant weekend, my dear fellow.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Good luck

Sent: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 12:48:38 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your effort towards this transaction. Don't forget to let me know as soon as you send it on Monday as you said so that I will monitor every situations here in this bank.

Please, I need your private number so that if there is urgent information I will let you know immediately.

Have a nice weekend.

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman

Subject: APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF MY LATE UNCLE'S FUND MR JOHNSON BROWN

Sent: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 09:58:47

Mr Jibril Usman
The Director
Foreign Remittance Dept
Bank Of Africa
Ouagadougou
Burkina Faso
Email: boafricabf@excite.com
Email: boafricabf@ahoo.fr
Tel/Fax: 00226 50420130

Sir,

APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF MY LATE UNCLE'S FUND MR JOHNSON BROWN

I Mr Gilbert Arnold Murray of the address stated below here by apply for the payment of my late uncle's fund of $10.8 million dollars in your bank. My late uncle died with his family in a plane crash while travelling for holidays with his family in NOVEMBER 2001.The family members have now asked me to apply for the payment of his left fund of $10.8 million dollars in your bank as his next of kin. His account number in your bank is 00142566BOA56231. With this, I request that the balance in his account mentioned above should be transferred to my account as stated below.

NAME: Gilbert Arnold Murray

BANK NAME: Bartletts Bank PLC

ACCOUNT NO: 74053275

CITY: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire

COUNTRY: UK

DATE OF BIRTH: 27th June 1952

PROFFESSION: Managing Director, Cesspits R Us Ltd

NATIONALITY: British

PHONE NUMBER: N/A

FAX NUMBER: N/A

I strongly believe that my application will meet your urgent and favourable consideration.

Yours faithfully,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I have just sent my application to Mr Usman

Sent: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 09:59:25

Dear Dr Anthony,

I trust you had a pleasant weekend. Just a quick email to let you know that I have just sent my application to Mr Usman at the bank. Please keep me informed of progress at your end.

Regarding my trials and tribulations with my rival, Pompey, I am pleased to report that things went well for Lepidus and I over the weekend. I think that we have managed to win back most of our customers by offering them a discount the next time they use our services.

However, we have not quite seen off Pompey. Let our best heads know that tomorrow the last of many battles we mean to fight with him. I shall keep you informed.

Do let me know as soon as you have any news, my dear chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Longinus Iwunna

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent from BOA

Sent: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 15:23:12 +0200 (CEST)

ATTN: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Sir,

This is the receipt of your application to this bank; we shall get back to you as soon as our database result comes out. We are sorry for the delay.

Thanks,

Mr Longinus Iwunna (Secretary for BOA)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Longinus Iwunna

Subject: I am pleased to hear that you have received my application safely

Sent: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 17:21:51

Dear Mr Iwunna,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that you have received my application safely.

You say that there is some sort of delay at your end. This is troubling news, as I am keen to move forward with alacrity. I trust that it will not take too long for your database result to come out, whatever that means. Know, sir, that I will not wait pinion'd at your master's court.

I have spoke already, and it is provided; go put it to the haste. Please get back to me as soon as you are ready to move forward with this matter.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for your effort

Sent: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:44:21 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Mr Gilbert,

Thanks for your effort towards this transaction. I'm very happy that you have sent the application to the bank. We have to wait for their response.

Please, whatever the said, don't ever argue with them so that there will be no suspect in this transaction. Make sure you do whatever the said so as to meet up within ten days as I told you that within ten days the money will be transferred to your account. So shall it be in Jesus name, Amen.

Waiting to hearing from you soon.

Thanks and remain bless,

Dr Marc

From: Jibril Usman

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: BOA OFFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE

Sent: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 13:42:21 +0200 (CEST)

ATTN: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

Attached to this mail is a BOA OFFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE. You are advised to open the attachment and get back to us within 72 hours. We are sorry for the delay.

Thanks,

Mr Jubril Usman

FOREIGN REMITTANCE MANAGER (BOA)

The bank's
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman

Subject: A few queries

Sent: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 18:13:44

Dear Mr Usman,

Thank you for sending me the questionnaire. I have a few queries. I would very much appreciate it if you could answer them for me.

I was under the impression that your name was "Jibril"; however, you have spelled it "Jubril". Please let me know which is the correct spelling of your name: I would hate to offend you by getting it wrong.
The questionnaire that you sent me states very clearly that "any alteration, cancellation, wrong information or mistakes made as a result of filling this official questionnaire, (CATEGORY A) will make such claims/transfer invalid and not genuine". However, you have spelled my middle name incorrectly on the form (you have spelled it as "AMOLD" rather than "ARNOLD"). Presumably, going by your rules, this make the form invalid. Is this so?
There are a number of other spelling mistakes on the form (for example, "advice" rather than "advised", "secatry" rather than "secretary", "dose" rather than "does" and "remmitance" rather than "remittance"). This is not an exhaustive list. Presumably these mistakes make the form invalid too?

I am extremely keen to avoid making any mistakes that would make my claim "invalid and not genuine". Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could send me a copy of the form that does not contain any mistakes. One cannot be too careful where things like this are concerned.

I trust that you will be able to get me an error-free form sometime tomorrow. I look forward to receiving it.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: The bank has sent me a form that is riddled with errors

Sent: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 18:18:47

Dear Dr Anthony,

Just a quick email to update you on the current situation.

The bank has sent me a questionnaire to fill in. I know that you advised me not to "argue with them". However, the questionnaire that they sent me states clearly that "any alteration, cancellation, wrong information or mistakes made as a result of filling this official questionnaire, (CATEGORY A) will make such claims/transfer invalid and not genuine", and the form that the bank sent me contains a large number of errors and mistakes.

Obviously, I want to make sure that this transaction is processed without any problems, so I have informed the bank of the mistakes that their form contains, and asked them to send me an error-free copy of the form. I am sure you will agree that this was the right course of action. After all, we don't want this transaction to fail just because some jackass at the bank can't spell for toffee, do we? That would be a shame.

I am expecting the bank to get back to me with an error-free questionnaire sometime tomorrow. I will let you know as soon as I receive it.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: Please respond immediately

Sent: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 08:56:27

Dear Dr Anthony,

I am becoming rather concerned that I have not heard from you or from the bank for the past couple of days.

Please respond to this email by return and give me an update on the current situation. I do not like delays. You may be interested to know that I received a very promising business proposal from a chap called Abacha yesterday. If I have not heard back from you by the end of the day, I am seriously considering dropping this business and moving forward with Mr Abacha instead.

The ball is in your court.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Jibril Usman

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT BOA

Sent: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 13:50:10 +0200 (CEST)

ATTN: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Sir,

We are very sorry for every mistake it was from our new secretary please go ahead and correct any mistake. You remember that you have only 72 hours, meanwhile I will be using my hand to write you from now henceforth.

Thanks,

Jurbil Usman (for BOA)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman

Subject: Are you asking me to correct all of the mistakes on the questionnaire?

Sent: Thu, 15 Jun 2005 14:11:57

Dear Mr Usman,

Thank you for your email. I was starting to become rather concerned because it took so long for you to respond to the email I sent you on Tuesday. Well, I am sure that you are a very busy man and that affairs at the bank must have been the reason for your delay in responding to me.

So, the numerous mistakes on the form that you sent me are your new secretary's fault, are they? No doubt you will be having a strong word with him as a result of his sloppy work. I've never seen a form with so many mistakes in all my life. If I were you, Mr Usman, I would consider letting him go and getting yourself another secretary who can actually spell.

I was unsure what you meant in your email when you said "please go ahead and correct any mistake". Do you mean by that that you want me to correct all of the mistakes on the questionnaire? Surely you cannot mean that, Mr Usman, because the questionnaire states very clearly that "any alteration, cancellation, wrong information or mistakes made as a result of filling this official questionnaire, (CATEGORY A) will make such claims/transfer invalid and not genuine". If I alter the bank's wording on the questionnaire, surely this will invalidate my claim?

I think the best thing for us both would be for you to take your secretary in hand and instruct him to correct all of the mistakes on the form, then send me a revised, error-free copy. As far as I see it, that is the only way we will be able to move forward here without breaking your own bank's rules and regulations, and I know how strict you bankers can be when it comes to things like that.

Could you please ask your secretary to hurry up with the new form? I am anxious to move forward and these delays are starting to become rather irritating. Perhaps it would speed things along if you bought him an English dictionary. Just a thought.

I look forward to receiving the revised questionnaire from you by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I am even more confused about your name now. I had been told that your name was "Jibril"; however, you spelled it "Jubril" on Tuesday, and "Jurbil" today. Please advise me which is the correct spelling: I would hate to offend you by getting your name wrong.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I have heard back from the bank

Sent: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 14:24:03

Dear Dr Anthony,

Good news, my dear fellow: I have heard back from the bank. Apparently all those mistakes on the questionnaire were the fault of Mr Usman's dimwitted secretary. I have advised Mr Usman to take him to task for his slipshod work.

I have also asked Mr Usman once again to send me a revised questionnaire as soon as he has got all of the mistakes sorted out. Hopefully it will not take him too long to do this.

Tell me, Dr Anthony, what do you think I should do about this new proposal I have received from Mr Abacha? He sounds like ever such a nice fellow. He's terribly quick at responding to my emails too; Mr Usman could do with taking a leaf out of his book in that regard. I would value your advice, my friend. Please let me know.

I must go: Lepidus and I have a busy afternoon ahead of us and the strong necessity of time commands our services awhile. We have a particularly large septic tank to empty this afternoon, which belongs to one of our oldest clients, a Mr Demetrius.

Do get back to me as soon as you can. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 00:01:43 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your effort towards this transaction, I want you to make sure that you call me. I can't be doing business of such huge amount of money without hearing your voice.

If you really mean to that we finish this transaction, call me or you write to the bank for changing of ownership and account before it will be too late for me to contact another person because if the approval comes out it will be hard for me to get the fund transferred to the new account.

Remember my number: 00226-78864349. Or you give me your own. I can call you.

Waiting to hearing from you.

Thanks,

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I understand your sense of urgency

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 09:44:51

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your email. Believe me, my dear fellow, I understand - and share completely - your sense of urgency. If only Mr Usman's cretinous secretary hadn't made so many simple mistakes on that questionnaire, we would not have experienced this delay.

I have to say, Dr Anthony, your words make me feel as if I am alone the villain of the earth. O Anthony, thou mine of bounty, how wouldst thou have paid my better service, when my turpitude thou dost so crown with gold? This blows my heart. How can you talk about contacting another person regarding this deal? You and I are partners, Dr Anthony, and we need to work together to resolve any problems that we face.

You say that you want me to call you. I have already explained on a number of occasions why this would be extremely difficult for me: you yourself have emphasised the need for maintaining the secrecy of this business, and I have told you that I do not want my partner Lepidus or my wife Elizabeth to know anything about this transaction.

Lepidus has been watching me like a hawk for the past few days. This problem with the bank's questionnaire has been playing on my mind and he has obviously noticed that I am agitated about something. I think he must be suspicious that I am planning something behind his back.

But cheer your heart; be you not troubled with the time, which drives o'er your content these strong necessities, because I have a plan, my friend.

I completely understand that I need to get this questionnaire back to the bank before the time limit of 72 hours expires. Unfortunately, I have not yet received a revised copy of the questionnaire from Mr Usman, and I am beginning to doubt that I will receive one from him in time. Perhaps his wooden-headed secretary is incapable of producing an error-free document.

Anyway, I am beginning to think that this will not actually matter. You see, I was worried that the multitude of errors on the questionnaire would invalidate my claim. However, from a closer reading of the questionnaire, it actually states that any mistakes made as a result of filling it out will invalidate the claim. Do you see what this means, my friend? It means that the mistakes that have already been made by the bank shouldn't actually matter, as long as I don't make any mistakes myself when I fill it in. I am sure you will agree that this is marvellous news: so long as I am careful when I complete the questionnaire, I am sure that the bank will have no reason to decline my application.

Lepidus is busy discussing the installation of an industrial-sized septic tank with one of our clients, so I will turn my attention to the questionnaire straight away while he is occupied. I must say, some of our clients really are pleasant people. The client that Lepidus is currently dealing with - a delightful fellow called Mr Creosote - has been kind enough to bring us a little gift: a box of wafer-thin mints. How thoughtful of him.

Anyway, back to business. I should be able to return the questionnaire to Mr Usman later this morning. I will copy you in on the email I send him.

Take heart, Dr Anthony. We both need this transaction to work out, and I am confident that if we work together as a team, we cannot fail.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman; Bcc: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I have completed your questionnaire

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 10:38:48

Dear Mr Usman,

Please find attached your completed questionnaire. I was disappointed not to have received a revised, error-free copy of the questionnaire from you, but never mind. I can only assume that your secretary was not up to the task, or that you have fired him from his post. He obviously isn't up to the job.

Please note that although I have not amended any of your own mistakes on the questionnaire - as to do so would have invalidated my claim, according to your rules - I have been extremely careful not to make any mistakes of my own when filling in the form.

I trust that this questionnaire will meet with your satisfaction, and I look forward to receiving confirmation of this from you by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

The completed questionnaire
(Click to enlarge)

From: Jibril Usman

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: BOA Ouagadougou

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 14:41:09 +0200 (CEST)

ATTN: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

We have received your answers and it can only be treated as soon as you send your application fee. $225 USD.

Thanks,

Mr Jubril Usman

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Who told you to answer the questions?

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 15:05:54 +0200 (CEST)

Gilbert my dear,

I don't understand what you are doing. Who told you to answer the questions? You would have forward it to me.

Don't you know that the answers is in the bank? If it is not the correct answers it will cause problems for this fund to be transferred to your account.

In fact what you answered was not the correct answers. Don't forget to let me know what the bank said.

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: YOU told me to answer the questions!

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 14:51:34

Dear Dr Anthony,

You have confused me now: YOU told me to answer the questions! You told me only this morning to (and I quote) "write to the bank for changing of ownership and account before it will be too late". So that's exactly what I did: I was only following your instructions. It's a bit late now for you to be telling me something different.

If I may humbly suggest something, Dr Anthony, this problem would not have arisen if you had been a bit more forthcoming in answering my emails. We are in this together, my dear fellow. This transaction will need effort and co-operation from both of us. It's no good not emailing me for days, then giving me instructions, then changing your mind as soon as you've done so. We're bound to make mistakes if you don't keep in touch properly.

Anyway, I shouldn't worry about it. Mr Usman has got back to me already to confirm that he has received my completed application form and he's not mentioned anything about any of my answers being incorrect. More good news: by the sound of it, the numerous mistakes that Mr Usman's doltish secretary made on the form do not seem to matter either. Mr Usman certainly hasn't mentioned them anyway, and if they were going to be a problem, I would have thought he would mention it straight away.

All I need to do now is to send a small application fee to the bank. Luckily it's only $225, which won't be a problem at all: I spent nearly twice that buying a round of drinks at the Cock and Bull the other week.

But what do you think I should do, Dr Anthony? If you think my answers may prove to be a problem, should I hold back on sending Mr Usman the $225? Should I tell Mr Usman that I have made a mistake and ask him to send me another form? Please let me know what to do.

On another matter, I was most dismayed by the way in which Lepidus dealt with Mr Creosote earlier today. I noticed that he was in a bad mood as soon as he came into the office this morning, but I did not expect him to be as needlessly rude as he was to Mr Creosote, who is a long standing client of ours. He made some extremely uncalled for comments about Mr Creosote's weight, which deeply offended the man. Mr Creosote ended up storming out in a huff, telling us that he was going to transfer his business to our rival, Pompey. He even snatched away the wafer-thin mints that he had given to us, saying that we didn't deserve them.

This is no way to treat our customers. I don't mind telling you, Dr Anthony, that Lepidus was grown too cruel that he his high authority abused. The events of this morning have made my mind up: once our transaction has been completed I am definitely going to find a way to remove Lepidus from the business.

Anyway, get back to me as soon as you can and let me know what to do about the fee Mr Usman is asking for. To be on the safe side, I will do nothing until I hear back from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You still haven't advised me what to do about this business proposal that nice Mr Abacha has put forward. Do you think it would be worth me pursuing it? Perhaps you would like a slice of the action too? Let me know your thoughts.

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 17:41:19 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

I read your mail. If you want me to finish the business without having two minds go ahead and send the fee to the bank immediately and tell them to do everything urgent and transfer the money to your account that you want to travel.

Don't forget that the time the bank gave is almost finished. Please be fast in anything you are doing.

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I will arrange to pay the fee to the bank

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 16:57:02

Dear Dr Anthony,

I have just read the email you just sent to me. To be perfectly honest, I found it rather rude.

Kindly remember that we are business partners, Dr Anthony. Business partners generally correspond with each other with a touch more courtesy than you showed in your last email. Well, they do if they wish to remain business partners, anyway.

Good manners cost nothing, Dr Anthony. If we are to continue working together as partners, I would thank you to remember that.

For the sake of our transaction, I shall put my feelings about your ill-mannered email to one side for the moment, and attend to the business at hand.

I will do as you suggest, and contact Mr Usman in order to make arrangements to pay his fee. However, as it is now very late on Friday afternoon, please note that I will be unable to transfer the fee to the bank any earlier than Monday morning.

I would like to wish you a pleasant weekend (there, you see: good manners cost nothing). I will keep you informed of progress next week. Hopefully by then you will have reconsidered the curt and inappropriate manner in which you have been addressing me.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman; Bcc: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: Regarding the application fee

Sent: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 17:04:16

Dear Mr Usman,

Thank you for confirming that my completed application form reached you safely.

You say that you require me to send you an application fee of $225. This will not be a problem. How would it be best to get the money to you? I presume that as you are the Director of the Foreign Remittance Department of the Bank of Africa, you will want me to transfer the money directly into an account at your bank?

Get back to me with the details of the bank account you would like me to transfer the money into, and I will see to it first thing on Monday morning.

Wishing you and your family a pleasant weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Marc Anthony

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Do the need

Sent: Sat, 18 Jun 2005 00:01:04 +0200 (CEST)

My dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your mail, Please am very sorry for any wrong comment I have made. Was only that I don't want to lose this opportunity that comes my way.

I promise you that I will give you every necessary information concerning this transaction and we shall finish it in JESUS NAME AMEN.

Thanks,

Dr Marc

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I accept your apology

Sent: Sat, 18 Jun 2005 10:13:42

Dear Dr Anthony,

Thank you for your email. I accept your apology, and I very much appreciate it.

As you will have seen, I contacted Mr Usman at the bank yesterday and asked him for details of the bank account into which he would like me to transfer the fee. Hopefully he will get back to me early on Monday morning.

As soon as I hear back from him, I will get the fee transferred so that we can move forward.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I need your advice urgently

Sent: Sun, 19 Jun 2005 11:18:32

Dear Dr Anthony,

I trust that you are enjoying your weekend. I am sorry to disturb you during your day of rest, but I have just received a rather disturbing email and I had to ask for your advice. You see, Dr Anthony, I have just received the following email from someone called "Johnson Brown":

BROWNJON IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY PLC
ATTENTION: COMPANY REPRESENTATIVE

I am MANAGING DIRECTOR/CEO BROWNJON IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY PLC. My company markets and exports polymeric polythene and other products for world trade.

We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting to our customers in Europe, Canada and America as well as making payments through you as our payment officer. It is upon this note that we seek your assistance to stand as our representative in your country.

Note that, as our representative, you will receive 10% of whatever amount you clear for the company and the balance will be paid into an account we will avail to you. Please, to facilitate the conclusion of this transaction if accepted, do send me promptly by email the following informations:

Your full names.

Your contact address.

Your personal phone/fax numbers.

Your company name.

Thank you for your time.

Very respectfully,

Reply me on my most confidential email address: johnson_brown7000@yahoo.co.uk.

MR JOHNSON BROWN

MANAGING DIRECTOR/CEO, BROWNJON COMPANY PLC

As of course you know, "Johnson Brown" is the name of the deceased chap whose fortune we are attempting to claim. This is such a strange coincidence: it is very odd indeed that someone of the same name should contact me at this point in time. I really don't know what to make of it all.

Are you absolutely sure that Johnson Brown is actually dead, Dr Anthony? Perhaps he wasn't killed in the plane crash after all; perhaps he miraculously survived, and is now running a polymeric polythene company? Perhaps he has somehow got wind of the fact that we are trying to claim his fortune, and perhaps this email is an attempt by him to find out what is going on. Or perhaps this is a relative of the chap who died in the air crash?

I really don't know what to make of all this, Dr Anthony. Do you think there has been a breach of security at the bank?

What should I do? How should I reply to this chap? Should I send him an email and explain what we are doing? He might not be too pleased if he thought we were trying to steal his money. I would value your advice. Please get back to me immediately my friend and advise me on what to do.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Jibril Usman

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent (BOA)

Sent: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:54:28 +0200 (CEST)

ATTN: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

This is the receipt of your mail to this bank, you are advised to follow the bank rules, the fee must be sent through Western Union money transfer/MoneyGram.

Waiting for your urgent response.

Thanks,

Mr Jubril Usman for BOA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman

Subject: Regarding the application fee

Sent: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:23:14

Dear Mr Usman,

Thank you for your email. I must say, I am surprised to hear that you want me to send the money via Western Union. As you are a high-ranking official within a bank, I would have thought that you would have preferred a direct transfer into a bank account. I find it most unusual that you choose to use an external organisation such as Western Union in order to send and receive money. Surely you must have perfectly good means of transferring money inhouse without resorting to companies like Western Union and MoneyGram? To be perfectly honest with you, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It would be like the Royal Mail using a courier firm like DHL to send their internal mail.

But maybe you do things differently over there in Burkina Faso and you obviously know your business, so who am I to argue, even if your instructions are verging on the bizarre? If you want me to send the money to you via Western Union, so be it: that is exactly what I shall do.

Tell me, Mr Usman, who should I make the money payable to? Should I use your name, or should I just make the transfer out to "Bank of Africa"? Please advise.

Oh, if I am to use your name, please advise me as to its correct spelling. You seem to have an unusually liberal attitude to the spelling of your own name, but I am sure that the Western Union organisation would prefer it if I spell your name correctly when I make the transfer. So tell me, do you spell your name "Jibril", "Jubril", "Jurbil"... or in some other way entirely?

Get back to me by return so that I can transfer the money to you as soon as possible: I am keen to make some progress with my application.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: Your immediate response is required

Sent: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 15:29:41

Dr Anthony,

I will come straight to the point. We are supposed to be business partners. Business partners communicate with each other. Why then, have you not got back to me and advised me what to do about the email I received from Johnson Brown yesterday?

If I may quote from the last email you sent to me, you said that "I promise you that I will give you every necessary information concerning this transaction". Well you are not doing so, Dr Anthony.

I am sitting here, fretting away about the possibility that Johnson Brown is not in fact dead and has found out about our attempt to claim his fortune, while you seem to be doing nothing but sitting on your backside, no doubt idling away the time by fiddling with your paperclips and fantasising about what lies beneath your secretary's blouse. I need your help and advice, Dr Anthony, and I need it now.

Mind you, you don't appear to be the only person who's doing nothing but sitting on his backside at the moment. I contacted Mr Usman hours ago to ask which name I should use when transferring the money to the bank and the man still hasn't got back to me. Is there anything you can do to prompt him into action? Perhaps you could poke him with a sharp stick and wake the man up.

This lackadaisical attitude to business may be all very well in Burkina Faso, but I can tell you for nothing, Dr Anthony, that it simply won't do here in Gypping in the Marsh. This whole business is taking far too much time.

If you and Mr Usman don't shift yourselves and start taking some action, I am severely tempted to pull out of this whole transaction and move forward with Mr Abacha's business proposition instead. Mr Abacha sounds like a fine, proficient man, and is offering me a very decent return on my investment.

In short, Dr Anthony, unless I see some action out of you right now, you can wave goodbye to me and my money and you can find yourself another business partner. I am waiting for your response.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman

Subject: I will be transferring the application fee to you this morning

Sent: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 09:01:52

Dear Mr Usman,

I am surprised not to have had a response from you to my last email, in which I asked you which name I should use when transferring the application fee to you.

In desperation, I read through the application form again and noticed that I am supposed to transfer the money to your secretary, Mr Iwunna. I am just about to head off into town to transfer the money to him.

I will contact you again once I have made the transfer, with the details Mr Iwunna needs to collect the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. May I suggest that you respond to my emails in a more timely fashion? Your delays in responding are delaying this entire business.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman; Bcc: Dr Marc Anthony

Subject: I have transferred the application fee to Mr Iwunna

Sent: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 10:11:32

Dear Mr Usman,

I have just returned from town, where I transferred the application fee to Mr Iwunna. Please find attached a scanned copy of the payment slip, which contains the information Mr Iwunna needs to collect the money from the nearest Western Union office.

As you will see from the receipt, going by today's exchange rates, the fee that you quoted me in dollars converted into 123,17 (Pounds Sterling).

Please get back to me as soon as Mr Iwunna has picked up the money. I trust that you will now be able to start work processing my application.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jibril Usman

Subject: Has Mr Iwunna collected the money yet?

Sent: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 17:16:27

Gibril/Gerbil or whatever your name is,

Frankly sir, I am amazed not to have heard back from you today. Did you receive the Western Union receipt I sent you? Has Mr Iwunna collected the money I transferred to him?

What is wrong with you? Did your parents not teach you any manners, or are you just naturally ignorant? Get back to me at once and give me an update on the situation.

I have never come across such a show of incompetence in all my life. Well, not since my colleague Lepidus installed his first cesspit and got his levels all wrong. He installed it four feet higher than the level of the drain. Things got terribly messy.

Get back to me at once, or I will be cancelling this Western Union transfer and turning my attention to something more profitable. I will not be messed around by ignorant fools.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Marc Anthony; Jibril Usman

Subject: I have had enough of this caper

Sent: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 12:02:47

Sirs,

I have had enough of this caper. The two of you have done nothing but mess me about right from the word go. To be honest with you, I am beginning to doubt whether there is any truth in your story at all. Thinking about it, it all sounds rather improbable.

On top of this, you two are the strangest pair of bankers I've ever seen in my life. I'm beginning to doubt whether you are actually who you say you are. From reading your emails, you sound more like a couple of goatherders to me.

For your information, I have cancelled the Western Union transfer I made yesterday and I shall be moving forward with that nice Mr Abacha. This is your loss.

Dr Marc Anthony, eh? I think I have seen the triple pillar of the world transform'd into a strumpet's fool.

Gilbert Murray