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Home - The Chronicles - The Aristocrat II The Aristocrat IIIn which Lord Murray, 18th Earl of Gypping, responds to yet another lucrative business proposal from yet another crooked African banker. The past three years have not been kind to the fabric of Hemlock Hall, so the money will come in very handy indeed. Cast of characters
From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:03:16 +0100 (CET) FROM THE DESK OF MR ALIDU KAF DEAR FRIEND, FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. THIS IS BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE AS BEING UTTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET. HOWEVER AFTER SERIES OF PETITION WAS RECEIVED BY THIS PRESENT REGIME FROM FOREIGN CONTRACTORS AND INABILITY OF THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) TO FULFIL THEIR OBLIGATION FOR THE PAYMENT TO ITS FOREIGN CREDITORS, IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE COUNCIL OF MINISTERS, THEY MANDATED US TO CARRY OUT A CAREFUL AND COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW OF ALL OVERDUE PAYMENTS TO FOREIGN CONTRACTORS AND TO EFFECT PAYMENTS IMMEDIATELY. DURING THE ABOVE MENTIONED PROCESS, WE DISCOVERED AN ABANDONED SUM OF $20 MILLION (TWENTY MILLION US DOLLARS) IN AN ACCOUNT THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR FOREIGN CUSTOMER WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY IN A PLANE CRASH. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO VISIT THE WEBSITE BELOW FOR MORE INFORMATION: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm SINCE WE GOT INFORMATION ABOUT HIS DEATH, WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING HIS NEXT OF KIN TO COME OVER AND CLAIM HIS MONEY BECAUSE WE CANNOT RELEASE IT UNLESS SOMEBODY APPLIES FOR IT AS NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDELINES AND LAWS BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE LEARNED THAT ALL HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION DIED ALONGSIDE WITH HIM AT THE PLANE CRASH LEAVING NOBODY BEHIND FOR THE CLAIM. IT IS THEREFORE UPON THIS DISCOVERY THAT I AND OTHER OFFICIALS IN MY DEPARTMENT NOW DECIDED TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO YOU AND RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED FOR SAFETY AND SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT SINCE NOBODY IS COMING FOR IT AND WE DON'T WANT THIS MONEY TO GO INTO THE BANK TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED BILL. I AGREE THAT 40% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS A FOREIGN PARTNER, IN RESPECT TO THE PROVISION OF A FOREIGN ACCOUNT, AND 50% WOULD BE FOR ME, WHILE 10% WILL BE FOR EXPENSES INCURRED DURING THE TRANSACTION. THEREAFTER, I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT ACCORDING TO THE PERCENTAGE INDICATED. THEREFORE, TO ENABLE THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOU AS ARRANGED, YOU MUST APPLY FIRST TO THE BANK AS RELATION OR NEXT OF KIN OF THE DECEASED INDICATING YOUR BANK NAME, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR EASY AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION AND LOCATION WHEREIN THE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED. UPON THE RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL SEND TO YOU BY EMAIL THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION TO FILL AND SEND TO THE BANK. I WILL NOT FAIL TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS HITCH-FREE RISK AND THIS TRANSACTION WILL ONLY TAKE US 14 BANKING DAYS BECAUSE AS A BANKER, I KNOW WHAT TO DO AND MOVE THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANY DELAY AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY ATOM OF FEAR AS ALL REQUIRED ARRANGEMENT HAVE BEEN MADE FOR THE TRANSFER. YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER SO THAT I WILL SEND YOU THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION TO APPLY TO THE BANK AND THE DATA INFORMATION OF THE DECEASED CUSTOMER. YOURS FAITHFULLY, MR ALIDU KAF BILL & EXCHANGE MANAGER BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) NOTE DO NOT FAIL TO REPLY ME WITH MY ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS: abu_1bello@yahoo.ca From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: Re: CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 10:20:59 Kaf, What is this fresh nonsense? Where did you obtain my personal email address? And why are you using the email account of some fellow called Bello? Is this some kind of business proposal? If it is, it makes no sense to me whatsoever. Explain yourself man, and at once. Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Waiting... Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 05:43:54 -0500 (EST) Dear Gilbert, Thanks for your quick response to my confidential proposal and also your willingness to assist me to claim and transfer the fund in our favour, via into your private bank account. First and foremost, I want to introduce myself proper to you. I am Mr ABU ALIDU KAF BELLO and I work with the BANK OF AFRICA here in Burkina Faso. I have three kids, one girl and two boys and I'm married to Mrs Fati ALIDU. Subsequently, I contacted you to assist me to transfer the fund over to your country by presenting you to the bank where the fund is deposited as the next of kin, so that the bank will transfer the fund to you as the beneficiary/next of kin and thereafter, the fund will be share between me and you in the ratio earlier stated. Why I request for your support and assistance in this deal is because the owner of the account is a foreigner, for that reason a Burkinabe national cannot stand as the next of kin to the inheritance of this fund. In furtherance to authenticate the genuineness of our claim before the bank, I am going to send to you the text of the application and the bank contact which you will fill and send to the bank but before I will do that, I want you to email me back with the above stated informations below:
Once I receive your mail, I will send to you immediately the bank contact and the text of the application which you will use to apply to the bank as the beneficiary and also give you further informations that will be necessary for this transaction in due course. I promised you that immediately you apply, the bank will release this fund into your bank account. Moreover, this transaction is 100% risk free and remember I told you that this transaction is secret and confidential because not everybody in the bank is aware of it. Please, visit the website below for more verification: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm Dear, I have secured the account information of late DR ANDREAS SCHRANNER who dead in Kenya plane crash, as such you don't have to entertain any atom of fear because I will work as your insider in the bank here to monitor the whole thing on your behalf, but in case the bank respond to your application, you must have to inform me for my further advice. Honestly, this transaction is considered as part of my prospective achievement in life. I have worked for years without concrete evidence of my achievement in the banking industry and I plead you to keep this transaction utmost confidentiality until the fund is transferred. Lastly, I shall require your sincerity, support and full co-operation towards this transaction. I want you to know that after the bank have transferred this fund into your bank account then I will come over with my family to your country for investment after disbursement of the fund accordingly. My regards to your family and remember I told that I will offer you as the account owner 40% out of the total amount $20 million dollars and I will also invest in your country with my own percentage which you will be the financial advisor. Nice to meet you. MR ABU ALIDU KAF BELLO From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: Are you serious about this? Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 12:04:38 Bello, Are you serious about this? On the face of it, your proposition sounds extremely attractive... but surely what you are proposing could not possibly work? You are asking me to stand in as this dead German fellow's next of kin, but I'm not German; my family is English through and through. Surely there is no way that the bank would believe me if I claimed to be related to this dead fellow. And what made you contact me with this proposal? Where did you get my personal email address? I only give this address out to close personal acquaintances. How did you get hold of it? And another thing. Isn't what you are proposing illegal? You are asking me to claim to be this dead man's next of kin in order to claim his money. That cannot be legal... and I am quite sure that if the authorities got wind of what we were doing, we could both get into serious trouble with the law. I have my reputation to consider, Bello, and there is no way I could get myself involved in anything remotely dodgy. Mind you, having said that, the money would come in extremely handy: the bad weather this autumn has not been kind to the fabric of Hemlock Hall and the roof desperately needs replacing... but surely this just wouldn't work? I am interested in your proposal, Bello. But before I am willing to move forward, I will need some firm reassurance from you that there would be absolutely no chance of either of us getting into trouble with the authorities if we were to move ahead. If you can reassure me on this point, I may be willing to proceed. By the way, I had a look at that website you pointed me towards. Terrible business, that Concorde crash. I remember it as if it were only yesterday. But what's this "Kenya plane crash" you're on about? The website said that this Schranner fellow died on Concorde. Was it perhaps the rest of his family who died in the Kenyan plane crash? I'm confused. Get back to me as soon as you can with the reassurance I am requesting. I will then consider your proposal in more detail and come to a decision. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping PS. Kindly remember who you are addressing and note that the correct salutation when addressing me is "Lord Murray", not "Gilbert". I am sure that you did not mean to cause offence by addressing me in such an inappropriately familiar manner, but please make sure that such a lapse in protocol does not happen again. From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Fill this application and send it to the bank Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 14:41:20 -0500 (EST) Dear Pertiner (sic), How are you and your entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health. Thanks for your mail and your comprehensive manner over this transaction business. Honestly, this transaction is 100% risk free and I have secured the account informations of the deceased, as such you should not entertain any atom of fear becuase I will work as your insider here in the bank but I hope you will not sit with my own share after the bank have transfer this fund into your bank account. Moreover, I am a banker in the bank and I know the procedures involved in making this kind of claim, that is why I have contacted you to come and apply for it and if you send the application to the bank it will not come to my table for that simple reason, immediately the bank respond to your application you should let me know for my further advice. Once again, that you are not a German does not mean anything. If the bank ask about that, it is your responsibility to claim that you travelled out due to job opportunity that you are a German. I have taken all this into consideration before I contacted you to come and apply as the beneficiary to this inheritance of this fund. Finally, go ahead and apply to the bank so that this fund can be release to us. I am stopping so far while waiting to hear that you have finally applied to the bank. Have a nice day, Mr Alidu Kaf NOTE: PLEASE SEE THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION AND I WANT YOU TO SEND IT THROUGH THE BANK EMAIL ADDRESS (boa_remittanceannex@excite.com) IMMEDIATELY FOR THE TRANSFERRING OF THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.
From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: You have convinced me... but I have a few queries Sent: Sat, 30 Dec 2006 16:13:57 Bello, I am pleased to be able to say that you have convinced me to accept your business proposal and move forward with this transaction. I have to say, you seem extremely confident that nothing can possibly go wrong with this business, and I admire a man with confidence. Well done, sir. You may now consider me a business partner. If I may just say, I demand a great deal from those with whom I choose to go into business. I expect you to be as honest, trustworthy and reliable towards me as I will be towards you... in fact I will accept nothing less from you. Do not let me down, Bello. Now then, before I send off that application to the bank, I have a few small queries that you will need to deal with:
I must go: I am about to interview a fellow who has applied for the post of Butler at Hemlock Hall. Unfortunately I had to give my previous butler, Winton, his cards a few weeks ago, after I caught him engaging in some extremely inappropriate behaviour with one of the stable lads. The excuse that Winton proffered at the time - that the stable lad had been bitten in the upper thigh by an adder and that he was merely attempting to suck the poison out - was obviously complete balderdash, so I had to let the two of them go immediately. I must say, it has been terribly awkward having to manage without a butler for the past couple of weeks. I have missed having a butler at hand on many occasions, but the mornings are the worst: it's just not the done thing for a fellow of quality to have to dress himself. I'm sure you'd agree. Anyway, I have high hopes for this fellow that I'm about to interview. The chappie's called Beaker, and apparently he used to work as the verger in the local church. To be perfectly honest with you Bello, I'm so sick of not having a butler around that if this Beaker fellow is even half-suitable, I will probably give him the job. Right, get back to me as soon as you can with answers to my queries so that I can contact the bank. I will be waiting to hear from you. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping PS. We still haven't quite got the hang of how to address an Earl, have we? May I remind you that the correct form of address is "Lord Murray", not "Gilbert" or "Pertiner" (whatever that may mean). Kindly take note, Bello. I do not expect to have to remind you of this again. From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Send it and inform me Sent: Sat, 30 Dec 2006 15:25:17 -0500 (EST) Thanks for your mail. How are you and your entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health. My good friend, in every rumour there's an element of truth and I want you to visit the bank website for your verification: www.bankofafrica.net. Answer to your questions are as follows:
Finally, please fill the application form and send it to the bank for immediate transfer of this fund into your bank account. I am here with you and if the bank respond to your application send it to me first so that I will tell you the best of what to do before you reply them to avoid mistake because I have worked for years without concrete evidence of my achievement in banking industry. Thanks, BELLO From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: I will contact the bank forthwith Sent: Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:24:18 Bello, Thank you for your email, which I read as soon as I returned from the early morning service at the local parish church, Saint Bodkin's. Despite the fact that you failed to clear up the matter of where the Kenyan plane crash comes into this business - and where on earth "Gammany" is - I shall contact the bank forthwith. I just hope that they do not question me on these matters. If they do, I shall get in touch with you at once for clarification before responding to them. Tell me Bello, what are your plans for the new year? Will you be celebrating at all? Lady Murray and I are hosting a New Year's Eve ball tonight, as we do each year. I am expecting one of my old chums from Eton, Sir Leonard Lion (or "Lenny the lion" as I affectionately call him) to arrive this afternoon with his butler, Terry Hall. As well as attending the ball, he will be staying with us for a few days. We are planning to go out for a swan shoot tomorrow morning on the estate. A morning spent shooting in the crisp early morning air should blow the cobwebs away. It should blow some swans away too with any luck. I am pleased to be able to tell you that I offered that Beaker fellow the butler's job yesterday and that he accepted. He's a bit of an odd chap - and to be perfectly honest I'm not at all sure that his standards of personal hygiene are quite up to scratch - but he seemed keen and I am sure I will be able to whip him into shape. Although when I mentioned "whipping him into shape", he visibly flinched, and told me that he had had quite enough of that in his last job, thank you very much. Anyway, Beaker is currently moving his few belongings into the servants' quarters in the attic and is due to start work this afternoon. With it being Sunday I will not be able to take him to the gentlemens' outfitters in the village to get him measured up for his butler's uniform until later in the week. For now, I have instructed him to wear Winton's old uniform. Winton was considerably shorter than this Beaker fellow, but it will have to do for now. Beaker's first job will be to prepare the guest apartments in the east wing for Sir Leonard and his butler. Do have a pleasant new year, Bello. It is such a shame that you cannot come along to the New Year's Eve ball here at Hemlock Hall: I am sure that Beaker would appreciate having someone on hand to help him serve the drinks. Oh well, you were talking about moving over to this country. Perhaps you will be able to attend next year. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS Sent: Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:31:55 ATTN: ALHAJI JAMES SAWAM Sawam, APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND SUBSEQUENT TRANSFER OF MY INHERITANCE FUNDS OF $20 MILLION FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER 18463464711. I am the brother and next of kin to late Dr ANDREAS SCHRANNER, your deceased customer who held the above account number with your bank, and who died in plane crash. I discovered the said account details in my late brother's bedroom in GAMMANY (wherever that may be), and as his next of kin I humbly appeal to your esteemed office to release and transfer these funds to my bank account. Below is my account profile stated:
I shall appreciate your prompt attention to this application as I solemnly promise to abide by all your transactional protocols and requirements. Yours sincerely, Sign From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Update... Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:17:03 -0500 (EST) Thanks for your mail. I wish you happy new year in advance. Lord, I want to use opportunity to let you know that I consider this transaction as part of my achievement in life and you should follow my direction so that the bank will transfer this money to us without suspicion. I pray that almighty Allah will do everything possible. Let me hear from you as soon as you apply. Nice to meet you, BELLO From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: I contacted the bank on Sunday Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 11:03:08 Bello, Happy new year to you, my dear chap. May 2007 bring you the luck that you deserve. I truly hope that this year will see you getting what you have coming to you. I contacted that Sawam fellow at the bank on Sunday, but have not heard back from him yet. I expect the bank will have been closed over the new year period; with any luck Sawam will get back to me today. Did you have a pleasant time celebrating the new year, Bello? I am pleased to say that the Hemlock Hall New Year's Eve ball went splendidly... for the most part. Unfortunately there was a bit of an upset when the local vicar arrived and saw that Beaker was working as my butler. The vicar flew into a frightful rage when he saw Beaker, and was on the verge of scourging him with his ceremonial knout. Luckily Sir Leonard Lion was on hand to pull the vicar off Beaker and hold the fellow down until he had calmed down a bit. I spoke to the vicar once he had regained his composure. According to the vicar, it appears that Beaker had left his previous employment under something of a cloud. According to the vicar there was some unresolved business between them over approximately $2,000 worth of church funds that had gone missing when Beaker left his job. The vicar was all in favour of turning Beaker in to the police over this matter. However, once I had explained to him that it just wouldn't do for a gentleman in my position to get involved in a police investigation, the vicar agreed to let me sort out this matter myself. Consequently, whatever the rights and wrongs of this matter, I have agreed to dock the $2,000 out of Beaker's wages in order to pay back the money into the church funds. Naturally, I remonstrated with Beaker over this matter after the ball was over. I told him that I was very disappointed in him, and warned him that if I got one more whiff of a scandal involving him, I would sack him on the spot. I also insisted that Beaker must start attending church again twice every Sunday as is demanded by the Book of Noel. The vicar will be able to purge Beaker of his sins through the regular scourging and excoriation that is administered once a month. I must be off: I am taking Beaker to the gentlemens' outfitters this morning to get him measured up for a new uniform. I had not realised quite what a difference in height there was between Beaker and Winton, and unfortunately Beaker looked quite ridiculous at the ball, with his trousers at half-mast. I am also planning to take him to the local pharmacist to see if we can do something about the man's breath. It could knock down a horse at fifty paces. I will get back to you as soon as I hear from that Sawam fellow at the bank. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Update Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 15:15:10 -0500 (EST) How are you my good partner? I hope you are fine? Today the director called the official members for an urgent meeting but I am not at the meeting because I was very busy in the office, at the same time, before we close I asked Mr Mohammed a bank official who attend the meeting why or what is the aim of the meeting and he told me that matters concerning your application was brought to focus and the director said that he will go for verification before he will respond to your mail. My friend, if the bank respond to your application please let me know for my further advice and I want you to promise that you will not sit with my own share after you have gotten this money in your account. Secondly, the main important thing in this transaction is to follow the bank instruction for the immediate release of this money into your account and I want you to look for a reliable business which I will invest in my own share. Remember I told you that I will coming over to your country with my entire family for sharing and investment. Please, I don't want the bank to know my involvement because that will hamper everything. Thanks, Bello From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: I still haven't heard from the bank Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 22:10:47 Bello, I still haven't heard from that Sawam fellow at the bank. You work with the man. Tell me, is he always this slow at responding to his customers? I'm not at all impressed with your bank's customer service, I can tell you that for nothing Bello. On the subject of the bank, who are these "Mohammed" and "Allah" chaps you've been talking about? Do they work for the bank as well? If so, which chap should I expect to hear from: Sawam, Mohammed or Allah? Kindly clarify by return so that I know which email to look out for. Returning to other pressing matters, I am pleased to report that I managed to get Beaker fitted up for a butler's uniform in the village earlier today. The tailor expressed surprise at Beaker's somewhat unusual shape, but he is a fine craftsman so I am sure that he will be able to turn out a fine-fitting suit. Even for Beaker. I am also pleased to report that following a trip to the local pharmacy, I have managed to procure some industrial-strength breath freshener for Beaker. I have instructed him to take it at least once an hour and I am praying that it has some effect: the interior of the Bentley was absolutely humming by the time Beaker had driven us into the village this morning and I was feeling quite faint, despite my having opened both rear windows. I must go. Beaker has just run me a bath, and having spent time in an enclosed space such as the Bentley with Beaker, I feel the need to cleanse myself fully before retiring. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Don't worry my good partner Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:48:22 -0500 (EST) Hi, I am fine and you? My good friend Mohammed is the bank official in our bank. Again you should not contact anybody, I know the bank will get back to you as soon as possible and if you receive any mail remember to inform me because as have apply the bank respond to you, secondly there is what we the bank security in our bank (monitoring term). They may send you an email to know if you are the real next of kin to this inheritance so please my good friend don't worry about this transaction because I am here with you. THANKS, BELLO From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS Sent: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 04:34:39 -0500 (EST) ATTENTION CUSTOMER, WE THE AFOREMENTIONED BANK OF AFRICA ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR APPLICATION OF CLAIM OVER THE FUND OF YOUR LATE BROTHER DR ANDREAS SCHRANNER WHICH THE ACCOUNT NUMBER IN YOUR APPLICATION WAS FOUND THE SAME IN THE DECEASED FILE. THEREFORE, YOU ARE ADVICE TO GO THROUGH THE ATTACHED FILE THIS FINANCIAL HOUSE FOR YOUR ONWARD TRANSFER AND ACT ACCORDING TO THE RULES AND REGULATIONS GOVERNING. SEQUEL TO YOUR APPLICATION FORM, YOU'RE PRONE TO FORWARD YOUR ACCOUNT PROFILE SUCH AS:
FAILURE TO ACT AS DIRECTED WILL ENHANCE THIS HONOURABLE FINANCIAL HOUSE TO DECLARE YOUR APPLICATION INVALID AND TRANSFER YOUR INHERITED FUND INTO THE BANK TREASURY. FINALLY, WE ARE VERY SORRY FOR THE DEATH OF YOUR LATE BROTHER. DR JAMES SAWAM DIRECTOR BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO  From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: I have just heard from that Sawam fellow Sent: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 12:08:41 Bello, As you can see from the email that I am forwarding to you, I have just heard from that Sawam fellow at the bank. I haven't heard a peep out of Mohammed or Allah yet, but perhaps they will be contacting me later today. You asked me to let you know as soon as the bank got in touch. So, now that they have done, what is our next step? Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Contact your lawyer immediately Sent: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 11:49:46 -0500 (EST) Hallow, Glory be to almighty God that the bank have approved our fund, approved your application and also approved you as the beneficiary. As I told you before the most important thing in this transaction business is to follow the bank instructions and with reference to the bank mail you are given only 5 days to complete everything to enable the bank transfer our money to you so hurry up and contact your lawyer. I know him very well and I know that he will do everything on your behalf. He work in our bank appointed by the government. My good friend, I hope you will not betray me as soon as the bank transfer this money to you and remember that the bank asked you to forward your account information so that if your lawyer bring the documents to the bank then he will sign and the director will transfer the money to your account. Please follow the bank instruction and in the bank mail, they said if you do as they directed our money will re-transfer to the bank account so please my good friend do not disappoint me because I don't want anything will make transaction business turn down and that is why I contacted you to assist me to handle this transaction transaction. Finally go ahead and contact the lawyer, explain everything to him that you want him to represent your interest in the bank and also help to go to the court issue some documents and submit it to the bank and sign for you. Let him know that the money belongs to your late brother and that the bank has agreed to transfer the money to your account. Thanks, Bello From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: I didn't realise you knew my lawyer Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 08:53:37 Bello, Thank you for your email. I must say, I didn't realise you knew my lawyer... but you say that you know him very well. It's a small world. To tell you the truth, I had been wondering what made you contact me on this matter in the first place and how you got hold of my personal email address. Well now I know that you know my lawyer, Welsby, it makes perfect sense. No doubt it was Welsby who suggested that you contact me about this matter. He's a wily old fox, and I am sure that he would have known that a bit of business like this would be of interest to me. What a sly old dog the man is. And he never breathed a word of it to me! Well, as you probably know, I cannot get in touch with Welsby about this until next week; he is on holiday at the moment and he is not due back until Monday. However, I will pop into his office first thing on Monday morning as you suggest and instruct him to swing into action on our behalf. I will pass on your regards when I see him. I am looking forward to today. Beaker is driving me over to Frottagesham to see my old friend Lady Anne Detrampe at Fockett Hall. After a spot of morning tea we shall be saddling up and riding out with the Frottagesham hunt. The hunting is marvellous over at Frottagesham: far better than it is here in Gypping in the Marsh. I did try establishing a hunt here some years ago, but the horses found it very hard going in the boggy ground, and after losing two of my finest fillies in the marsh I was forced to give it up as a bad job. I only hope that we do not have too much of a problem with those damn hunt saboteurs. Anyway, I have a secret weapon at my disposal now: if those miserable little unwashed oiks give us any trouble I shall set Beaker onto them. I have instructed him not to take any breath mints today. If it comes down to it I am sure that the stench of Beaker bearing down on them with his mouth wide open will have the joyless, dirty layabouts scattering in all directions. Tell me Bello, are you much of a horseman? Do you ride out with a hunt over there in Burkina Faso? I must go: Beaker has just informed me that the Bentley is warmed up and ready to go. Have a good day Bello. I will get back to you once I have discussed this matter with Welsby next week as you suggested. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Follow my instruction and advice please and please Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 06:48:24 -0500 (EST) HO, Why are you doing like this my good friend? The bank gave you the bank accredited lawyer contact who will represent you here in Burkina Faso to go to the various office and issue the documents and also sign for you before you will now confirm the money in your account. Gilbert, remember I told you that this transaction is confidential and top secret, please don't let anybody know of this transaction business. If you don't know, the bank gave you 5 days the lawyer to go issue the documents and bring it to the bank and below is the lawyer contact which the bank gave you in the approval letter:
Please, forget about your lawyer and contact this email so that barrister Akpara will help us to go to the various offices. Do this immediately and inform me. Don't disappoint me. The bank did not tell you to contact your lawyer, they are talking of the bank lawyer here in Burkina Faso and the documents must be issue here in Burkina Faso. Bello From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: FROM BOA Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 07:47:53 -0500 (EST) ATTN: CUSTOMER, SEQUEL TO OUR REQUEST, THE MANAGEMENT OF THIS HONOURABLE BANK HAVE NOT YET RECEIVE YOUR LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE BESIDE YOU ARE GIVEN 5 BANK WORKING DAYS TO COMPLETE THE DOCUMENTATION FOR YOUR ONWARD TRANSFER. IN ALL, THIS AFOREMENTIONED BANK REQUIRED YOU TO FORWARD YOUR ACCOUNT PROFILE WHERE YOUR INHERITED FUND WILL BE TRANSFER INTO AND YOUR DELAY TO ACT AS DIRECTED WILL ENHANCE THIS MANAGEMENT TO RE-TRANSFER YOUR INHERITED FUND INTO THE BANK TREASURY AND DECLARE YOUR APPLICATION INVALID. MANAGEMENT BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: I misunderstood you Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 15:51:41 Bello, I have just returned from a marvellous day's hunting over at Fockett Hall. Thanks to Beaker we didn't have any problems at all with hunt saboteurs. In fact he was even more effective than I thought he would be: at close range, his breath actually knocked two anti-hunt protestors out cold. Now then, about this lawyer business. It looks as if I misunderstood your last email. When you advised me to "hurry up and contact your lawyer", I naturally assumed that you wanted me to hurry up and contact my lawyer, not some johnny I have never heard of who works for the bank. And when you referred to my lawyer and told me that "I know him very well", I naturally assumed that you meant that you knew my lawyer, not this Alpaca fellow or whatever his name is. Are you sure about using this other lawyer? To be perfectly honest with you Bello, I'm a tad uneasy at the prospect of entrusting my legal affairs to some chap I've never heard of before. If you ask me, we might be better off seeing if my own lawyer, Welsby, can help us out in this matter. Welsby is a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. Lady Murray and I have been using his services for over ten years. Welsby has got the sharpest legal brain I have ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a faulty gas fire in a very poorly-ventilated guest room and the Duchess of Moss Side who was visiting at the time. Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges against me dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved family. I cannot recommend Welsby highly enough. I think it would be for the best if I contacted him when he returns from holiday to see if he would be willing to work on our behalf instead of using that Alpaca fellow. What are your thoughts on the matter? Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: My bank details Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:04:33 Sawam, I am in receipt of the email you sent to me earlier today. You asked for details of the bank account into which I wish you to transfer my late brother's money. Here they are:
Regarding the other matter that you raised in your email, seeing as my late brother's money has been sitting in your bank and earning you interest for a number of years now, I consider it ludicrous for you to suddenly impose a completely arbitrary five day deadline to conclude this matter. Given the geographical distance over which we are conducting this business - and the fact that I am a very busy man indeed - I would be extremely surprised if we managed to get this business concluded within a mere five working days. As a result, I consider your deadline null and void: this business will take as long as it takes. I am pleased to be able to report that I am currently in the process of engaging a lawyer to work on my behalf. I will be back in touch once negotiations with the lawyer have been finalised. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping PS. Could I ask you to desist from addressing me ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS? Quite apart from it making your emails extremely difficult to read, over here in this country only small children and the mentally-challenged write COMPLETELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Kindly take note. From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Please, hurry up and the lawyer Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:34:11 -0500 (EST) Hello Partner, I told you once again not to relate this transaction business to anybody and remember I told you that the most important thing in this transaction is to obey the bank instructions and advice. Now, you want to disappoint me and if the bank suspect that you are not the real next of kin they will not transfer this money to you and if this thing happen I will not forgive you because I have let you know everything regarding to this transaction business. In the approval letter which you forward to me, the bank told you to contact the bank accredited attorney that is Akpara Mohamed who will represent you here in Burkina Faso to go to the various ministry and issue the requested documents and sign your payment release order. Now how can you disobey the bank instruction and hope that the bank will transfer this money to us? Please, please and please contact the lawyer which the bank gave you. Below is the contact of the lawyer which I saw in the approval letter: Email: akpara_chambers1@yahoo.fr I am not happy that you have not contact him by now. Thanks From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: Alright, I will contact this Alpaca fellow Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 08:47:02 Bello, I am in receipt of your somewhat ill-tempered email. Kindly remember who you are addressing, my good man: I am not used to putting up with such ill-natured whinging from my business associates. I have been doing my best here, trying to ensure the success of this transaction by suggesting that we engage the services of one of the finest legal brains in Lincolnshire, and all I get from you in return is a display of peevish grizzling. Despite this, I am willing to put your poor behaviour to one side for the sake of this transaction. If you are certain that this Alpaca fellow is the right man for the job, then I shall take your word for it and contact him immediately. But let me tell you this, Bello. In turning down the chance to use the services of the eminent Welsby, I feel that you may be making a big mistake. This Alpaca fellow had better be up to the job. I will expect nothing but the best from him. Welsby is back from holiday next week. At the first sign of incompetence from Alpaca, I will drop him like a stone and contact Welsby to see if he can help us out. I must go: after I have composed a brief email to this Alpaca fellow I will be going into the village with Beaker to collect his new butler's uniform from the gentlemen's outfitters. I will get back to you as soon as I have heard back from this Alpaca fellow. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I may be interested in using your services Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 08:58:48 Alpaca, Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Lord Murray, the 18th Earl of Gypping. I am currently engaged in attempting to bring about the transfer of $20 million from the bank account of some dead German fellow called Schranner into my own bank account. To this end, I am claiming to be Schranner's brother. Schranner's money is currently held in an account with the Bank of Africa in some place called Ouagadougou - in one of the former colonies, I believe. One of the directors of the bank, a fellow by the name of Sawam, has instructed me to contact you with a view to obtaining the necessary documentation for the successful completion of this transaction. Sawam has informed me that you are an accredited attorney with the bank. I would therefore appreciate it if you would liase with Sawam in order to ascertain precisely what needs to be done in order to bring this transaction to a swift and successful conclusion. Kindly get back to me as soon as you have done this and inform me of your findings. Please also furnish me with an estimate of how much it will cost to engage your services in this matter and with brief details of your legal qualifications and experience so that I will be able to decide whether or not to hire you. This transaction is extremely important to me, Alpaca, and I do not mind telling you that I feel somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of taking on a lawyer whose services I have not used before. My usual lawyer, Welsby, is the quintessence of legal excellence. With this in mind, I ought to let you know that if I do decide to take you on, I will expect nothing but the best from you. I look forward to hearing from you. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:38:58 +0100 (CET) Dear Client, In regards to your message today being the 5th of Jan 2007, concerning your financial claim with the BANK OF AFRICA, OUAGADOUDOU, BURKINA FASO. Immediately I received your mail, I rushed to the bank for fact findings. Sequel to my discussion with the management of the BANK OF AFRICA, DR JAMES SAWAM the foreign auditor director pledged that the management of the bank have gone through the diseased (sic) file for proper screening and that the management in general have approved you as the beneficiary and also appoint me to represent your interest about your request that I represent you sign your fund release order documents with BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO and procure the affidavit of claim, certificate of legality and tax clearance certificate from the High Court of Justice and Internal Board of Revenue where I will procure the tax clearance document. I have presented myself to the bank as your attorney for the signing of the fund release document because I was shown a message from you in regards to that, the bank have made it clear that you have to sign the fund release order documents (FRO) before the transfer of your claim fund into your nominated bank account and I promise you that I will do everything on your behalf, I am a public advocate and I will give you the best service. I have been to the Ministry of Justice in regards to the procurement of the two vital documents. LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE TERMS OF PAYMENT The costs to procure the documents are as following:
The management of the bank said you will pay for my services charge as they will not deduct from the sum till it get to your account and the bank account information of your late brother ANDREAS SCHRANNER and your bank account profile have been given to me by the management which I will take to the ministries involved for the procurement of the required documents. 4,350 Euros part payment to be paid before I start the work at hand and the balance 10,500 Euros to be paid after the work is completed and I am the bank accredited attorney, as far as you have contacted me, you will confirm your claim fund in your account if only you abide by my submissions. Conclusively, you will send the money fast to allow me to receive it as I will like to get the money and do your job on schedule. Thanks for contacting these chambers and your recognition. I await your mail as soon as you send the money. NOTE: send the money with the name of my secretary (Mr Monday Azuka). Yours in service, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED AKPARA & ASSOCIATES From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I will review your email over the weekend Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:55:23 Alpaca, Thank you for your email. I have to admit that I did not expect to hear from you so quickly. Your promptness is entirely commendable. Keep this up and I will have no complaints. Unfortunately I have not had time to read through your email in detail, and nor will I have for the remainder of today; Lady Murray and I are in the midst of preparing for a weekend away and we are due to leave in an hour's time. However, I have printed out your email and placed it in my travelling bag. I will review it in detail over the weekend and get back to you with a response when I return on Monday morning. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: Alpaca has responded to my email Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:59:39 Bello, You will be pleased to hear that that Alpaca fellow has responded to my email. Unfortunately I will not get the chance to read through his email today; Lady Murray and I are due to leave for a weekend away in an hour's time. Beaker is busy packing our cases at this very moment. However, I have just sent the fellow a quick response and told him that I will consider his email over the weekend and get back to him on Monday morning. Lady Murray and I are going to stay with an old chum of mine, Sir Kay Deyanne, at his family seat of Bugrette Hall. It is vital that Lady Murray and I are not late: Sir Kay is a stickler for punctuality. In fact he runs his household like clockwork: everything runs to a strict twenty-four hour rhythm. Tell me Bello, do have any plans for the weekend? A spot of hunting, shooting or fishing maybe? Or perhaps a society ball or two? I must say, I am looking forward to showing off my new butler to Sir Kay. Beaker is looking resplendent in his new uniform and he appears to be adjusting to his new duties and responsibilities remarkably quickly. As long as the man keeps his mouth shut, he comes across as quite an imposing character. I must go: I need to instruct Beaker to give the Bentley one last polish after he has finished packing our cases and loaded them into the car. Do have a pleasant weekend, Bello. I will be back in touch first thing on Monday morning. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: It is a good news Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 16:09:41 -0500 (EST) How are you and lady? Thanks for your comprehensive manner over this transaction business. I was very happy went I saw Akpara in the bank premises today. As he came, he moved to the director's office and Dr Sawam gave him some informations of the dead fellow and your own. Akpara said that he will come back with the documents and he have agreed to do everything but please anything he tell you please follow his instructions because he is a very big lawyer and he is a title man in this country. Actually, the director has started to process your transfer documents. Even your cheque is all ready today but the director said will transfer it into your account if Akpara submit the needed documents and I don't want anything that will delay us. By Monday as you said I will be waiting to hear that you have finish with Akpara as he came today I believed he will do everything for you. Thanks, Bello From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: UPDATE FROM BOA Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 05:58:50 -0500 (EST) Attention customer, We the aforementioned group Bank of Africa wish to inform you that your legal representative Hon Barr Akpara came to our bank this morning and he maintained that you sent him a mail that you will be travelling by weekend and give him response on Monday and we told him that you are given 5 days to complete the documentation but apologised for the need to extended the deadline. As a recognised attorney and with regards to your mail, we the group Bank of Africa have extended the deadline to 1 week for you to complete the documentation. Management From: Gilbert Murray To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: Matters are in hand Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 12:18:33 Sawam, I am in receipt of your email. As I told you last week, your arbitrary deadlines are completely irrelevant to me. This business will take as long as it takes. Matters are in hand. I will keep you updated as this business progresses. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping PS. Congratulations on getting the hang of that CAPS LOCK business. Well done, my man. From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: An update on progress Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 12:25:29 Bello, I have just returned from a most enjoyable weekend away at Bugrette Hall. Beaker was on his best behaviour and Sir Kay Deyanne was most impressed with him. I have had a chance to cast my eyes over the email that Alpaca sent me. I have a number of queries which I shall be asking Alpaca to address today. If Alpaca is able to clarify the outstanding issues, we will be in a position to move forward. Tell me, how was your weekend, Bello? Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I have a number of queries Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 12:33:12 Alpaca, Having reviewed the email that you sent to me last week, I have a number of queries. Kindly address them by return.
Be a good chap and get back to me as soon as you can. That Sawam fellow at the bank is bothering me with some nonsense about deadlines, so it would be preferable if we could get things moving as quickly as possible. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Clarifications on your queries Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 21:18:26 +0100 (CET) Dear Client, In regards to your message today being the 8th Jan 2007, which you need some clarification on some queries, well, I will be glad to clarify you on those queries. First and foremost, the email you receive from this chambers was type by the secretary and the error that you saw inside are typing errors. Here are clarifications to your queries: The word "diseased file" that the secretary wrote is a wrong spelling and you are the one that is bring this to my notice by pointing out the fact on your email. Well, just like I told you, that it is a typing error and moreover, nobody is above mistake, so I will advise you don't capitalise on that word, as the correct spelling is "DECEASED FILE". My dear client, what I mean by consultation fee is simply like this, here in my country when you contact a chambers for legal representative, you pay him consultation fee which is the same as mobilisation fee and this fee is being used to move around, such as going to the bank, going to the ministries and other places. While service charge is the same thing as chamber's charges which is what you will pay to the chambers after working for you. Moreover, you are learned enough to know that a chambers does not make up of only one attorney as there are other barristers and delegates that have already been working on your matter. As for me, you are the one delaying this business as you called it, because with my capacity as a senior advocate of Burkina Faso, I have the veto right to get those certificates under one day. Moreover, I have booked for those certificates in the Ministry of Justice and the Internal Board of Revenue respectively, so if I can have the part payment of 4,350 Euros by tomorrow, I will rapidly get to those ministries and pay for the certificates, which will be issued to me immediately I make the payment. So believe the business will only take two days, I will use tomorrow to get the certificates and at the same time submit them to the bank, after which I shall go back to the bank the following day to sign the final release order. My dear client, I have promised you that I am going to give you best of my services and that is why I have put everything in place to procure those certificates as soon as I receive the part payment, so I will kindly request that you send the part payment to these chambers by tomorrow through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER with the name of the chamber's secretary MR MONDAY AZUKA after which you shall send the transfer informations to this chambers. Dear client, you are the cause of DR JAMES SAWAM bothering you, because on my own side I have the capacity to get those certificates as soon as I receive the part payment, so let the bothering of DR JAMES SAWAM don't worry you, just go ahead and send the part payment to these chambers by tomorrow and I promise you that I am going to send you copies of the certificates by tomorrow evening. Due to the urgentness in this business, I will advise you call me on my private telephone number once you have sent the part payment, so that it will enable us receive it in time and commence action, so here is my private number: 00226-76-562-476. You can reach me on that number at anytime, unless I am in a sitting in the court, I do switch it off, so the ball is on your court. I hope to hear from you soonest. Yours in service, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED AKPARA & CO ASSOCIATES From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thanks for your update Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 17:57:47 -0500 (EST) How are you and you entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health. Thanks to almighty God that you returned peacefully and enjoyable. Today, I was so busy in the office and I was wondering that you did not let me know that you are back from Bugrette Hall. According to my previous mail, I told you that Akpara will do everything successful. Well if you have anything you can ask him but he is eligible to stand on your behalf and do everything. Even he came to the bank today and the director called the bank officials meeting and matters concerning the transfer of our money was brought to focus and Sawam told him that the bank gave you 5 days to do everything but Akpara stood up immediately and asked the management to wait a bit that plan was on pipeline to bring the needed documents and sign the transfer slip. He further told the management that you travelled and you will arrive today. Honestly I was so happy the way he handle eveything. Since you contacted him, he always came to the bank. Even when he came today the director told him to hurry up that he have already process the transfer documents of our money. So I don't know what you have to ask him and why you are delaying before we proceeded. I told you that the most important thing for this transaction to be successful is follow the bank instructions and now the bank requested for some documents and gave you helping hand who will help you to process documents as you are not here, you are telling me you have a number of queries which you want from him? Please, put effort my partner. Time wait for no man. My coming to your country is at hand and I know that God have done this to us. My partner, the weekend was very convivial, enjoyable and remarkable. Well as I told you, keep your trust on Akpara and I know that with him everything will be OK. I am here monitoring everything and I want you to believe that the bank will transfer our money very soon according to my observation. I am stopping here while waiting to hear good news as soon as you finish with your attorney. Thanks, Bello From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: Your fees Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:52:03 Alpaca, Thank you for clearing up those queries so promptly. Once again, the rapidity of your response is laudable. I would doff my cap to you out of respect... were it not for the fact that the unbridgeable gulf between my social standing and yours would make such a deferential gesture - and indeed the very wearing of such a lowly item of headgear - entirely inappropriate for one in my position. Now we come to the matter of your fees. I do not have a problem with the amount you are charging to obtain the various documents, certificates and whatnot. What I do have a problem with is the amount you are attempting to charge for your "consultation fees" and your "services charges", videlicet a total of 12,500 Euros. You told me in your last email that you would be able to conclude this business in a mere two days. Given that you already appear to have commenced work on this business on my behalf - without having first received my authorisation to do so, if I may say so - I calculate that in total this business will occupy you for a total of three days. I am perfectly capable of operating a pocket calculator, Alpaca, and I have calculated that this works out at a total of 4,167 Euros per day. Assuming that you work a seven hour day, that works out at an eye-watering 595 Euros per hour. That is 400 per hour in real money - or nearly 7 a minute! I would like you to explain to me how you can possibly justify attempting to charge such an outrageously high fee for your services. Good Noel man, even Madame Blamm down at the local massage parlour doesn't charge that much for her services... and let me tell you, Alpaca, her services do not exactly come cheap. Where does all this money go, Alpaca? If your secretary is anything to go by, it certainly does not get spent on staff training. Having a secretary who cannot spell to save her life does not reflect well on your business. Having had some experience of lawyers in the past, I have a good idea of what constitutes a reasonable fee. And what you are attempting to charge me for a mere three days work comes nowhere close to being a reasonable fee. If you do indeed wish me to engage your services in this matter rather than turning to another lawyer - one who does not charge on a "how much can I possibly get away with" basis - then you will reconsider your ludicrous demands. I would suggest that a reasonable amount to pay for your "consultation fees" and "services charges" would be 2,000 Euros... and even then I consider that I am being generous to you. I suggest that you go away and have a good long think about this Alpaca. I do not take kindly to those who see me as some kind of golden goose and attempt to overcharge me. If you wish to redeem yourself in my eyes, you will reconsider your fees. If not, I will simply find myself another lawyer. The ball is now back in your court. I expect you to return it back to me with a satisfactory response. Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello Subject: Alpaca's fees Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:56:16 Bello, I am sorry to report that we have a problem. Having examined that Alpaca fellow's fees, it has become obvious to me that the wretched man is attempting to overcharge me for his services on a monumental scale. I am no fool, Bello. I can see when a chap is trying it on. But don't you worry; I have just sent Alpaca a stormer of a letter, demanding that he reduce his fees if he wants me to retain his services in this affair. I am confident that once the man realises that I know his game, he will respond in a positive manner. Well I can tell you this for nothing Bello: if Alpaca does not agree to bring his fees down to a more reasonable level, I am damned if I am doing business with him. I must go: one of my old chums, Sir Kit Braker from Screwham Hall has just arrived for a morning spent shooting otters on the estate. Sir Kit is a marvellous fellow: a real bright spark. You would like him, Bello. Beaker is preparing the rifles at this very moment. I will check my email again when I get back for the morning's shoot. Hopefully by then that Alpaca fellow will have seen sense. He had better do... Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I HAVE NO OPTION THAN TO EXECUTE MY JOB, GO AHEAD AND SEND THE 2,000 EUROS Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 15:12:39 +0100 (CET) Dear Client, I am not surprise to read such mail from you, because I have already started working for you, so I have no option than to finish with my service just the way you have calculated to your own knowledge. So I will advise you go ahead and send the 2,000 Euros the way I have directed you, so that I can execute the job for you as I have already started it and moreover it is the bank that gave you my contact to represent you, so I have no option than to terminate the job. So send the 2,000 Euros immediately to enable me to secure the certificates today after which I shall send copies of the certificates to you, thereafter you shall know me well. I await your urgent respond. Yours in service, Hon Barrister Akpara Mohamed Akpara & Co Associates From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Let me hear from you urgently Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 19:42:47 -0500 (EST) How are you and your entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health. My good partner, what is the situation of things? Let me hear from you urgently. Thanks, Bello From: Beaker To: Abu Bello Subject: Lord Murray has had an accident Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 08:21:11 Hello Mr Bellow, It is not Lord Murray it is his butler Beaker. I am writing to you because Lord Murray has had an accident and he has told me to use his email address and write to you and tell you what happened and carry on with this stuff that he is doing with you on his behalf. Lord Murray went out shooting animals with a friend yesterday and I went along too to carry the guns and when we got back to Hemlock Hall and his friend had left Lord Murray told me to clean and oil his rifle but I told him that I had never cleaned and oiled a rifle before so I did not know how to do it and he told me that he would show me what to do. So we went into the gun room and Lord Murray showed me how to clean and oil his rifle but I can be a bit clumsy sometimes and I get a bit confused sometimes as well when there is a lot to take in and I made a mistake when I was cleaning the rifle and I do not know exactly what happened but the rifle went off by accident while I was holding it and I shot Lord Murray in the backside with both barrels. Lord Murray shouted at me very loudly and he went all red in the face and I thought he was going to hit me and then he went all quiet and he went all white and then he passed out. I called for Lady Murray and we sent for the doctor and the doctor came and he sent for an ambulance and the ambulance came and took Lord Murray to the local hospital and Lady Murray and me went with him and we both stayed there at the hospital all night. Luckily Lord Murray was not too badly hurt and the doctors operated on him and they removed all of the buckshot from his backside and he was unconscious for most of the night but then he came round at about 5 o'clock in the morning and at first he was very angry with me for shooting him but then he calmed down a bit and he told me that if I could manage to get this stuff with you sorted out while he was in hospital without making any cockups then he might not fire me when he gets out of hospital because he said that this business was very very important to him. So Lord Murray told me all about this business that you and him are doing and he told me his email address and his password so that I could get into his email account and use it to do this business with you. I got back to Hemlock Hall about an hour ago and the first thing I did was to turn on Lord Murray's computer like he told me to and I have looked through all of the emails that you have sent to Lord Murray and that he has sent to you and that Lord Murray has sent to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and that the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed has sent to Lord Murray and to be honest with you I am a bit confused about what is going on now so could you please reply to this email and let me know what I need to do next because I am not sure and I want to do this right because I do not want Lord Murray to sack me when he gets out of hospital. Please reply to this email quickly and tell me what I need to do. Thanking you, Beaker From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Please hurry up Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 07:20:19 -0500 (EST) Thanks for what you are doing to me. Now I believed that you are not a wise investor. Meanwhile, I have contacted another partner who is capable to handle this transaction to my expectation and I want you to send mail to the bank immediately. Tell the bank to extend the date of validity and also give you the change of ownership form that your senior brother did not allow you to claim the money. Tell the bank that you send the form to your senior brother for him to forward his account information and also tell him what is necessary for him to do. Do this immediately and get back to me. From: Beaker To: Abu Bello Subject: I do not understand Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 12:54:39 Hello Mr Bellow, It is me Beaker again. I have just read the email that you sent to me and I do not understand. I told you I was confused about what I had to do and I asked you to tell me what to do next but I do not understand what it is that you are telling me to do. Who is this other partner that you have contacted? I hope you are not getting someone else involved in this instead of Lord Murray because if you are doing Lord Murray will not be pleased because he told me that this is very important to him and if he is not pleased then he will blame me and he will sack me for shooting him in the backside like I told you he would. Who should I contact at the bank? And what is the date of validity that you want me to ask the bank to extend? I do not understand what that means. And what is the change of ownership form that you have told me to ask for? And who is this senior brother you are talking about? I do not have a senior brother. I do not have a younger brother either. Or any sisters. And where does the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed come into it? Lord Murray told me that I would have to deal with him even if he is an unscrupulous overcharging cad which is what Lord Murray called him. But you did not mention him at all. Is he the person I need to contact at the bank? I expected you to explain things to me Mr Bellow but I do not understand what you are telling me at all and I am more confused than ever now. Please explain things to me clearly and simply so that I can do what I need to do for Lord Murray and keep my job. Thanking you, Beaker PS. Lady Murray has just come back from the hospital and she has told me that Lord Murray is sleeping comfortably now so that is good news even if he is having to sleep on his front because of the operation he had last night on his backside. From: Abu Bello To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Understand what? Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 09:40:39 -0500 (EST) What is happening lord? Akpara came to the bank today and he is complaining that the money which he asked from to enable him to the ministries and obtain the needed documents. Now, I want to contact other person who will pay the money and the bank will transfer the money to him. Please if you don't want to pay the money to Akpara, send mail to the bank tell bank to give you the change of ownership form that your brother will finish the transaction so that I will contact another person who will pay that money to Akpara. At first I told you that I don't want the bank to know my involvement in this transaction and you agreed to handle the transaction. Now what is happening? If you involve me I know I will lose my job without getting this money, it will cause a lot of havoc between me and you. Get back to me. From: Beaker To: Abu Bello Subject: Lord Murray is in hospital Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:45:12 Hello Mr Bellow, It is me Beaker again. I have already told you that Lord Murray is in hospital and he has told me to take over and finish this transaction with you on his behalf because he cannot do it himself from his hospital bed. Have you not read the emails I sent to you properly or are you just stupid? You are dealing with me now instead of Lord Murray until Lord Murray is discharged from hospital. Lord Murray has told me all about this business and he has given me instructions to complete this transaction for him. Do you understand? Lord Murray told me that you were a clever man but I do not see any evidence of that from your emails so far. Seeing as I cannot get any sense out of you I am going to contact the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and see if I can get some sense out of him. Thanking you, Beaker From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: Lord Murray is in hospital and he has asked me to complete this business on his behalf Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:52:07 Hello Mr Mohamed, My name is Beaker and I am Lord Murray's butler and Lord Murray was rushed into hospital yesterday and he has told me all about the business that he is doing with you and Mr Bellow at the bank and he has asked me to complete the business for him while he is in hospital. Lord Murray gave me his email address and his password so I could look at the emails that he has sent to you and that you have sent to him and I have looked at them but I am a bit confused and I do not know what to do next so could you please let me know? From reading through the emails it looks as if Lord Murray and you were disagreeing on the amount of fees that he was going to have to pay you. What amount did you agree on in the end? Let me know and I will check it with Lord Murray when I visit him in hospital tomorrow morning and then I will be able to send you the fees. Please get back to me and explain what I need to do next as quickly as you can because Lord Murray has told me to get this business finished as quickly as possible because he said that it was very important to him and he told me that if I mess it up he will sack me so I do not want that. I will be waiting to hear from you. Thanking you, Beaker From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Update of validity from BOA Sent: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 06:29:09 -0500 (EST) Attn customer, After the Board of the Directors' meeting today been 11 Jan 2007, we the aforementioned bank wish to inform you that your legal representative Hon Barrister Akpara has not submit the required documents to this bank. At the same time, he was here yesterday without the said documents, saying that he have been waiting for you to pay the 2,350 Euros which the ministries demand before the said documents can be obtain. This is normal procedure and we want to use this media opportunity to inform you that the deadline will be expire by Monday next week. Finally, your failure to act as directed will enhance the management to declare your application of claim invalid and transfer your inherited fund into the bank treasury. Dr James Sawam Foreign Remittance Director (BOA) From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPOND... Sent: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 13:42:36 +0100 (CET) Hello Mr Beaker, I am sad to hear that my client is been rush to the hospital; please extend my greeting of get well soon to my client. Let us get down to business, actually, the whole amount is 14,850 Euros which I have ask him to send to me a part payment of 4,350 Euros after the job have been completed, he will now send me the balance of 10,500 which he promise sending 2,000 Euros as a part payment two days ago. Actually, I have already started the job, so if he said it is the 2,000 Euros that he will send as a part payment, then let him go ahead and send it, so that I can get what the bank need from him to finalise the transaction with the bank. Please remind him of the deadline date that the bank gave to him, because the bank called me yesterday and was asking me what is happening which I told them that I have not heard from my client, so all you have to do is to send the part payment of 2,000 Euros through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER with the name of my secretary MR MONDAY AZUKA so that I can go and get the bank requirements and then submit it to the bank after which I shall sign the final release order. I await your urgent respond. YOURS IN SERVICE, HON Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED AKPARA & CO ASSOCIATES From: Beaker To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: Lord Murray is in hospital so please bear with me Sent: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 13:31:57 Hello Mr Sawam, It is not Lord Murray it is Beaker and I am his butler and I got the email that you sent to Lord Murray earlier today and I am writing to tell you that Lord Murray has been rushed into hospital after an accident the other day and while he is in hospital he has told me to take over this business for him so that is what I am doing now. Lord Murray told me that just before he was rushed into hospital he was in the middle of agreeing the fees with the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and I have just had an email from the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and before I can do anything else I have got to OK the fees with Lord Murray when I visit him in hospital later today and then I will be able to transfer the fees to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed. Lord Murray told me that this business is very important to him and he has told me that he will sack me if I do not do it right so please bear with me because I am finding all this very confusing and I am doing my best and I am trying to get things sorted out as quickly as I can. Thanking you, Beaker From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I will check the fees with Lord Murray this evening Sent: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 13:43:57 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I am going to visit Lord Murray in hospital this evening with Lady Murray and I will pass on your greetings and I am sure he will appreciate it. Thank you for telling me how much the fees will be. I will print out your email and take it with me tonight to the hospital and I will show it to Lord Murray and I will see if he agrees with it and if he does then I will transfer the fees to you. I got an email from the bank about the deadline date and I will tell Lord Murray about that tonight and see what he says. For now if you can do anything to get this deadline extended please do it because I am doing this as fast as I can but it is difficult with Lord Murray being in hospital and Monday is not far away and if the bank declares Lord Murray's claim invalid then he will sack me and I do not want that to happen. I have got to go now because Lady Murray has asked me to help her out with something in her bedchamber. Lady Murray has a very large and expensive antique Chinese jewellery box and some of the lacquer is peeling off it so it needs a good clean. She told me that it has been a very long time since Lord Murray paid any attention to her box in the bedchamber and now that I am here and he is away she wants me to give her box a good seeing to. I will send you an email later tonight or tomorrow when we get back from the hospital. Thanking you, Beaker From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: What Lord Murray said Sent: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 08:43:29 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. Me and Lady Murray went to the hospital last night to see Lord Murray and he is looking a bit better although he had to have another operation yesterday because the doctors realised that they had not managed to remove all of the buckshot from his backside during the first operation so he was in quite a bit of pain and he was not in a good mood. He asked me how things were going with this transaction and I passed on your best wishes and I showed him the email that you sent me yesterday that I had printed out. When he read the email he got very angry and he said that was not what he had agreed to pay you and he said that you were trying to rip him off and he called you some names which I will not repeat partly because I do not think you would like to hear them and partly because I did not understand some of them. He got so angry that he got very red in the face and started to have difficulties breathing so Lady Murray called for a nurse and the nurse gave him an injection and sedated him and told him that he must not get angry because of his blood pressure. When he had calmed down he told me what he had agreed to pay you earlier this week and he made me write it down on a piece of paper so that I would not get it wrong and this is what I wrote down:
That comes to a total of 4,350 Euros not 14,850 Euros like you said and Lord Murray told me that he had agreed this amount with you earlier in the week and that in his opinion you were trying to take advantage of the fact that he is in hospital and that he does not take kindly to money-grabbing shysters and that he is not willing to pay you a penny more than 4,350 Euros and that if you do not like it then you can... well I will not tell you what he said you can do because it is not very nice and I do not want to offend you and I do not even think that what he said is physically possible and the goat protection division of the RSPCA might have something to say about it as well. So Lord Murray told me to email you and tell you this and to find out whether you will do the work for 4,350 Euros and he told me to tell him what you said the next time I visit him in hospital and that if you agree to do the work for that amount of money he will give me the authority to send the money over to you immediately. So please send me a reply as soon as you can and I will tell Lord Murray what you say when I go to visit him in the hospital later today. I have got to go now because Lady Murray has offered to take me out horseriding with her. I have never ridden a horse before and I am a bit scared of them and I told Lady Murray that I am a bit worried that I might not be able to get onto the horse and to get down off the horse afterwards. But Lady Murray told me that she would let me ride her mare Davina and she told me not to worry because Davina is very well behaved. Lady Murray told me that Lord Murray used to ride her all the time but that he has not done for a while now. She said that she is looking forward to helping me to mount her in the stable and that she was sure that I would be able to get myself off without any problems after a good long ride. Please get back to me as soon as you can because I will check my emails when I get back. Thanking you, Beaker From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: I HAVE NO OPTION THAN TO TERMINATE THE JOB AS I HAVE ALREADY STARTED THE JOB... Sent: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 11:41:03 +0100 (CET) Hello Beaker, Thank GOD my client is getting better and I pray he get better soon, well I will not like his illness to increase more than this, so if he said it is 4,350 Euros he will pay, then tell him to go ahead and send it, so that I can procure those certificates like that I can terminate his job for him. I have already embark on this job, so I have no option than to terminate the job, moreover the bank have called me and it is the bank that gave my contact to him, which I promise him that I am going to give him the best of my service, so go ahead and send the 4,350 Euros. Please tell him to try as much as he can to send the money today, so that it will enable me to secure those certificates. I have to go as I have a client to defend in the court this morning and I will check my mail once I am back from the court, but tell my client to make sure he send the 4,350 Euros today. I await your urgent respond. YOURS IN SERVICE, HON Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED AKPARA & CO ASSOCIATES From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I will tell Lord Murray what you said this evening Sent: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 13:41:47 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I am very pleased to hear that you will carry out this work for the amount of money that you and Lord Murray agreed. I will tell Lord Murray what you said this evening and I am sure that he will be pleased too. If you ask me it might raise his opinion of you. It can hardly make it any worse. I am sure that once Lord Murray hears that you are willing to finish the job he will lend me his bank card and tell me his PIN number so that I can withdraw the money from his bank account and send it to you on Monday morning. I had a lovely ride with Lady Murray this morning. She was right when she told me that I would soon get the hang of riding and she was also right when she told me that Davina was very well behaved. It took me a few attempts to get on top of her and she wriggled and squirmed a bit underneath me as I fumbled around trying to mount her but eventually I managed to. Once we got going she went at it hammer and tongs. She kept up a very fast pace and gave me the ride of my life. I was so exhausted by the end of it that Lady Murray had to pull me off with her bare hands. The weather has got better this afternoon and Lady Murray has asked me to help plant some herb seeds in the walled garden. She is a very keen gardener and she is going to teach me how to be a gardener too because I do not know much at all about gardening. Lady Murray tells me that she is going to use her trowel to dig holes for the seeds and then water the ground so that it is wet. When her hole is nice and moist she is going to give me a signal to let me know that she is ready for me to unload my seed into it. We are going to see Lord Murray early this evening so I will get back to you over the weekend and let you know what he said. Now that you have agreed on the amount of fees I am sure that he will give me the go ahead to send you the money first thing on Monday morning. Thanking you, Beaker From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: Lord Murray has told me to transfer the money to you Sent: Sat, 13 Jan 2007 09:31:55 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. Me and Lady Murray went to see Lord Murray again in the hospital last night and I told him that you had agreed to do the work for 4,350 Euros and he was very happy and he said that maybe you were not such a bad chap after all. So that is good news. Lord Murray gave me his bank card and his PIN number and he told me to go to the bank and take out the money and send it to you first thing on Monday morning so that is what I am going to do. Lord Murray was looking a lot better last night by the way and the nurses said that he will probably be up and about again within a week so that is good news too. Seeing as you are a lawyer and that must mean that you are a very wise man despite all the things that Lord Murray has said about you can I ask for your advice please Mr Mohamed? You see while I was looking through the emails on Lord Murray's computer I came across some very personal ones and I am not quite sure what to do. Maybe I should not have read them but I was curious so I did and from reading the emails which are between Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe at Fockett Hall it seems as if Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe are having an affair. Some of the emails were very graphic in what they talked about and to be honest with you some of them made me feel a bit sick when they were telling each other what they were going to do to each other the next time they met. To be honest with you I did not know that people got up to such things. Some of the things they were talking about were really horrible. In one recent email Lady Anne Detrampe was describing what she was going to do with one of her pet hamsters the next time Lord Murray came to visit. But given Lord Murray's current condition I think they are going to have to postpone that particular activity until a later date. I have grown quite close to Lady Murray in the past few days and I like her a lot and she is very kind to me and I am sure that she does not know about any of this and the disgusting things that Lord Murray gets up to with Lady Anne Detrampe and her hamsters and her chickens and the marrows from the garden. I am wondering whether I should tell Lady Murray about what Lord Murray has been up to because I think she deserves someone better. Someone who would be faithful to her. Someone like me maybe. And if she found out what Lord Murray had been getting up to I am sure that she would leave him and that would mean that she could then find somebody better and more faithful. And less perverted. What do you think I should do Mr Mohamed? You must be a learned man so I would value your advice. Should I tell Lady Murray about what her husband has been getting up with with Lady Anne Detrampe or should I keep it to myself? It might hurt her to find out about it but I think it might be for the best in the long run. Please advise me. What would you do? Thanking you, Beaker From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: I AWAIT THE TRANSFER THE INFORMATIONS Sent: Sat, 13 Jan 2007 13:44:31 +0100 (CET) Hello Beaker, How is my client feeling today? I hope better than before. Well, I will wait for the informations of the transfer on Monday morning. I hope you still have the informations on how you will send the money? If no, then here is the informations again. Send it by WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER with the name of my secretary MR MONDAY AZUKA. On the issues of my client and the so call Lady ANNE DETRAMPE, I will advise you leave it within you, because if you should tell Lady MURRAY it will bring some kind of problem that might even affect you, so let the secret rest within you. I await your urgent mail by Monday morning. YOURS IN SERVICE, HON AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: Are you sure I should not tell Lady Murray? Sent: Sat, 13 Jan 2007 16:47:39 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. Are you sure I should not tell Lady Murray about what Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe have been getting up to behind her back? I am growing to like Lady Murray a lot and I think it is a terrible shame that her husband is doing things like that behind her back with another woman. Some of the things they talk about in their emails are really disgusting. I think some of the things might actually be illegal in some countries. You are a lawyer so maybe you could advise me on that. I just feel so very guilty that I know what Lord Murray has been doing and that Lady Murray has no idea. She is such a lovely woman and she is kind and intelligent and pretty and I think I may be falling in love with her and it is just not right the way that Lord Murray is treating her. Are you sure I should not tell Lady Murray Mr Mohamed? I think it would be the right and decent thing to do. What do you think? I am not sure that I can carry on working for such a raging old pervert. I have my standards you know. Even if they are quite low. Anyway I am going to see Lord Murray in hospital tonight again with Lady Murray and I will pass on your best wishes to the dirty old man. Before we go to the hospital I am going to help Lady Murray in the kitchen. Cook is on holiday so Lady Murray is having to cook for herself and she is preparing a nut cutlet for dinner tonight but she has told me that she always finds it very difficult to crack the nuts so I have told her that I will help her. Lady Murray tells me that she is very much looking forward to seeing me crack one off in front of her. Please do get back to me and let me know what you really think about telling Lady Murray about what dirty old Lord Murray has been getting up to. I really do not know what to do for the best. Thanking you, Beaker From: Abu Bello To: Beaker Subject: Any improvement? Let me hear from you Sent: Sun, 14 Jan 2007 06:02:40 -0500 (EST) Hi Beaker, How is my partner? I hope he has been discharge from hospital. Honestly when I read your mail that lord got an accident I was shocked and disappointed but I prayed to almighty God for his quick recovering and I want to know if he is getting better. About the transaction at hand, on Thursday last week there was an officials meeting in the bank and matters concerning the transfer of our fund was brought out and the director deliberated that you are given on 15 of Jan 2007 to complete the documentation. Now that lord handles this transaction business to you, I hope you are sending mail to the lawyer. Did you let him know that lord got an accident? Well I saw the lawyer at the director's office on Friday and I know that he is there because of the business transaction. Now if you did not tell the lawyer that lord got an accident please let him know and extend my greetings to lord and I pay for his quick in Jesus name amen. Thanks, Bello From: Beaker To: Abu Bello Subject: I am sending the money to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed tomorrow Sent: Sun, 14 Jan 2007 13:23:09 Hello Mr Bellow, It is me Beaker again. Lord Murray is still in hospital and will probably be in there for another week or so because he has had two operations to remove all of the buckshot from his backside and the doctors say that he is comfortable but Lord Murray says that he is anything but. Talking of removing things from peoples' backsides do you know anything about what Lord Murray has been getting up to with his mistress Lady Anne Detrampe? I have been reading some emails that they sent to each other and it is quite disgusting and I am trying to work out whether or not to tell Lady Murray that Lord Murray has been playing around behind her back. Anyway Lord Murray has given me his cash card and told me his PIN number and he has told me to go to the bank tomorrow and withdraw the money and send it to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed so that is what I am going to do. I must go now because Lady Murray has asked me to help her make some sandwiches for the local womens' institute which is meeting tonight. Lady Murray has had some very nice local sausages delivered from the butcher in the village. We are going to work as a team: she is going to spread the butter onto the bread while I cut up the sausages and put them into the sandwiches. Lady Murray tells me that she is looking forward to spreading them on the kitchen table so that I can put in the sausage. I will let you know what happens after I have transferred the money to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed. Thanking you, Beaker From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: There is no Western Union agent near here Sent: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 12:10:56 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I went to the bank this morning and I took out the money from Lord Murray's bank account but when I asked at the bank if I could transfer the money to someone using Western Union they told me that they did not do that so I asked them where I could go to transfer money using Western Union and they sent for the manager and he told me that the nearest Western Union agency is quite a long way away from here. I was very disappointed when I heard that but then he told me that the local post office does something called MoneyGram and that is apparently very much like Western Union and so the bank manager suggested that I should find out whether sending the money using MoneyGram would be OK so that is why I am emailing you now. Could you ask your secretary Mr Wonday Azuka if it would be OK for me to send him the money by MoneyGram please and then get back to me and let me know? I must go now because Lady Murray has asked me to join her in the morning room where she is doing the Times crossword and apparently she wants me to help out her with some of the clues that she is stuck on although I do not know how much use I will be because I am rubbish at crosswords. But Lady Murray has told me that she will teach me how to do cryptic crosswords and that in her opinion it is not worth doing a crossword unless it is hard to do. She tells me that there is nothing she likes more than getting to grips with a good hard one in the morning room each day. Please get back to me as soon as you can and let me know if MoneyGram will be OK. I will check my email later but I do not know if I will get the chance to transfer the money now until tomorrow because this afternoon I have to drive Lady Murray over to see a friend of hers Lady Taibel at Dashett Hall. But if you tell me that MoneyGram is OK then I will go into the village tomorrow morning and I will go to the post office and I will transfer it then. Thanking you, Beaker From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: MONEYGRAM IS OK BY THIS CHAMBERS, PLEASE TRY AND SEND IT TODAY Sent: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 14:02:11 +0100 (CET) Hello Beaker, How are you and my client this morning? I hope all is well. Beaker, my secretary said there is no problem with that, so you can send it by MONEYGRAM, but you must try and send it today as the deadline is just at the corner, so that it will enable us get the certificates today. Please try as much as you can to send it today and also after sending it by MONEYGRAM, send the whole informations so that there will be delay in receiving the money. I await your urgent respond today. YOURS IN SERVICE, HON Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: It will have to wait until tomorrow Sent: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 13:52:38 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I am glad to hear that I will be able to send the money to your secretary Mr Monday Bazuka by MoneyGram because I will be able to do that at the local post office but it will to wait until tomorrow now because I am about to drive Lady Murray over to see her old friend Lady Taibel at Dashett Hall and after that we are going to visit dirty old Lord Murray in hospital and the post office will be closed by the time we get back. But do not worry because I will transfer the money tomorrow morning. You asked me to send you the whole informations. What are the whole informations that you need? I must go now because I have to polish the Bentley so that it is ready for the journey to Dashett Hall. Lady Murray tells me that she is very much looking forward to seeing her old friend Lady Taibel. Apparently they go back years and have always been close. Apparently Lady Taibel has a lot of pets and Lady Murray is particularly fond of her pussycat which is always very affectionate and likes to get lots of attention. Lady Murray tells me that she is looking forward to seeing her old friend and giving her pussy a good stroke. Please let me know exactly what information you need from me once I have transferred the money and I will give your best wishes to Lord Murray when I see him this evening. Thanking you, Beaker From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: PLEASE MAKE IT VERY EARLY SO THAT IT WILL ENABLE US RECEIVE AND SECURE THE CERTIFICATES Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 00:02:19 +0100 (CET) Hello Beaker, I have heard all that you said, but try to make it very early tomorrow morning, so that it will enable us receive and secure the certificates. Also you should not make any mistake when sending the money, because any mistake will give us difficulties to receive the money in MoneyGram. Beaker, the name of my secretary is MR MONDAY AZUKA, please you should not spell the name incorrect, and if not so we are going to find it difficult to receive the money. Here are the informations you are to send to me after sending the money:
With all these informations, we will find it easy to receive the money and then go ahead to secure the certificates. Please you have to make it very early. I await your urgent respond by tomorrow morning. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I have transferred the money to your secretary Mr Monday Azuka Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 10:20:41 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I have just come back from the post office where I transferred the money to your secretary Mr Monday Azuka using MoneyGram. The postmistress told me that the money would be available for Mr Azuka to collect within a matter of minutes which is a bit amazing really when you think about it given how far away you are from here. I do not know how they manage to get the money across to you so quickly. Anyway here are the details that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka will need to collect the money:
When I went to transfer the money the postmistress told me that she was not sure whether you would be able to collect the money in Euros in your country because you are somewhere in Africa and not in Europe and she told me that it would probably be safer if the money was converted into United States dollars because she said that United States dollars are used very widely around the world and she told me that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka would definitely be able to collect the money in United States dollars so she converted the 4,350 Euros into United States dollars and so the amount that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka will be collecting is not in Euros it is in United States dollars and it is $5,629.01. Lady Murray and me went to see Lord Murray last night and he is looking a lot better but he was a bit annoyed when I told him that this transaction had not been completed yet and he told me to tell you to pull your finger out and stop delaying things because he wants everything to be completed as quickly as possible so there you go I am just passing on a message. The doctors at the hospital told me and Lady Murray that Lord Murray should be able to go home in a couple of days which I suppose is good news but to be honest I am a bit sad about it really because I have enjoyed being on my own with Lady Murray and getting to know her and I do not think it will be the same when Lord Murray gets back to Hemlock Hall. I still do not know if I should tell Lady Murray about what dirty old Lord Murray has been getting up to with his mistress Lady Anne Detrampe. I cannot understand why Lord Murray would want to take a mistress like Lady Anne Detrampe when Lady Murray is so kind and beautiful and nice. If you ask me Lady Anne Detrampe is a bit of a dog. I must go because I am driving Lady Murray to the local girl guides' hut this morning where she is handing out rosettes to the winners of the annual Gypping Good Girl Guide of the Year competition. Lady Murray does not know exactly how many rosettes she is going to have to hand out so she has told me that she wants me to stand right behind her with a supply of spare ones just in case she runs out. Lady Murray says that as soon as she runs out of rosettes she wants me to slip her one from behind without anyone noticing. Please get back to me as soon as your secretary Mr Monday Azuka has picked up the money from the MoneyGram agent. Thanking you, Beaker PS. Please do not tell Lord Murray what I put for the test question and answer because I do not want him to find out my true feelings for Lady Murray and I chose the test question and answer on the spur of the moment and I am regretting it already in case he finds out because he might sack me. From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: THE INFORMATIONS ARE INCORRECT, SEND US THE CORRECT INFORMATIONS IMMEDIATELY Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 16:49:37 +0100 (CET) Dear Beaker, My secretary cannot receive the money as he was told that the informations are wrong, why wrong informations? Please can you urgently cross check with the MoneyGram office where you sent the money from or cross check with the payment slip that the MoneyGram gave to you, because he was told that the number is incorrect? I will be glad if you can resolve this matter immediately as my secretary is still in the MoneyGram office waiting for the correct informations. Please be fast as we want to make sure we secure the certificates today and submit them to the bank by tomorrow. Please make sure that the address where the money is coming to is Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. Please call me once that is done on 00226-76-562-476. I await your urgent call. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I am very sorry but I made a mistake Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 17:25:02 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I was very surprised to find out from your email that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka had not collected the money yet. At first I thought that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka must have done something wrong or gone to the wrong place or something but then I double checked the receipt that the postmistress gave me and I can see that I have made a mistake with the MoneyGram reference number because it is 86229347 not 86221347 like I told you this morning. I am very sorry Mr Mohamed but the postmistress has very bad handwriting and her 9s look a lot like 1s and that is why I was confused. I am very sorry if this has caused you and your secretary Mr Monday Azuka any problems and if it has delayed this transaction. Anyway now that you have the right number your secretary Mr Monday Azuka will be able to go and pick up the money right away. Lady Murray and me are going to see Lord Murray in hospital very soon and he is bound to ask me how things are going and I do not think that I will tell him that I made a mistake and that the transaction might have been delayed because I do not think that he would be very pleased if he heard that and he might threaten to sack me and I do not want that so I think I will just tell him that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka picked up the money today and that the transaction is moving forward because by the time I get to the hospital he probably will have collected the money anyway now that you have the right number so it will not be as if I am lying to Lord Murray. I think it is for the best because there is no point in upsetting him if I can possibly help it. After we have visited Lord Murray in hospital Lady Murray has told me that she is going to take me out for a meal in the local restaurant and that is very nice of her. I have not eaten in the local restaurant before because it is very expensive and I have never had much money so this will be a real treat and it will be a real treat to enjoy a meal out with a lady of quality like Lady Murray. In fact it would be a real treat for me to enjoy a meal out with any lady to be honest because I have not had much luck with women in the past and they are always getting the wrong end of the stick and I am getting sick of getting all these restraining orders. Because I am Lord Murray's butler and Lady Murray is Lord Murray's wife Lady Murray has told me that she does not think that it would be right and proper for the two of us to be seen eating together in a restaurant without her husband because she says that she has her reputation to think of and that she has to be careful about being seen consorting with the lower orders so she tells me that she has made a special arrangement with the restaurant owner who is a friend of hers and that he is going to set up a special table in a private room for us and he is going to let us in and out through the back door of the restaurant so that nobody will see us entering or leaving. Lady Murray has told me to bring a torch because apparently the passageway that leads to the back of the restaurant is very dark. Lady Murray tells me that she is looking forward to a bit of eating out after I have taken her up the back passage. Please get back to me as soon as your secretary Mr Monday Azuka has collected the money. I will check my email again first thing in the morning. Thanking you, Beaker From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: I WILL ADVISE YOU STILL GO BACK TO THE MONEYGRAM OFFICE AND CONFIRM THE NUMBER Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 20:05:56 +0100 (CET) Dear Beaker, Honestly speaking I am not happy with the way you have delayed this transaction today, but I have accepted your apology, so what I will advise you to do is to go back to the MoneyGram office and confirm the number very well as I will not like to hear that there is another mistake by tomorrow, because it is tomorrow morning that my secretary will go back to the MoneyGram office as they have closed for today. Once he receive the money by tomorrow morning, I will rush down to the ministries to secure the certificates as I have already book for the certificates. Please make sure that the number you have given me again is correct as I will not be happy if they should tell him that the number is not correct again by tomorrow morning. Whatever be the situation of things by tomorrow, I will keep you inform, but still go back to the MoneyGram office and confirm the number very well. I will keep you inform by tomorrow morning. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: It is definitely the right number now Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 08:53:27 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I asked Lady Murray to check the MoneyGram receipt after I had finished serving her breakfast this morning. She had darjeeling tea and hot buttered crumpets for breakfast. Lady Murray tells me that there is nothing like enjoying a bit of hot crumpet first thing in the morning. Anyway she checked the receipt and she said that she was certain that the number on the receipt was 86229347 like I told you yesterday. I forgot what I had written on the form as the test question and answer and when Lady Murray saw it she blushed slightly and told me that we had better make sure that Lord Murray never sees that form otherwise he would be very angry indeed if he knew how I felt about his wife. Then she said that she was very flattered but that there was no way that a lady in her position could ever consider conducting an illicit affair with one of the lower classes and certainly not after what happened with Mellors the gamekeeper the other year. I came so close to blurting out what I know about dirty old Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe but I kept my mouth shut for now. But I am determined to show Lady Murray that I am a better man than Lord Murray and I will woo her and I will make sure that she finds out about Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe and the hamsters and all that one way or another. Anyway when we went to see Lord Murray in hospital last night I did not tell him that I had made a mistake with the number and I told him that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka had already collected the money and that things were progressing so your secretary Mr Monday Azuka had better pick up the money first thing this morning or else I will be in trouble with Lord Murray. Get back to me as soon as he has collected it because I will feel a lot happier when the money is safe in his hands. Thanking you, Beaker From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: Definitely it is not the right number again, call me on this number 00226-76-562-476 Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 11:30:47 +0100 (CET) Dear Beaker, The number is incorrect again, so I will like you to send me the payment slip so that I can go through it as the MoneyGram people over here said that there is nothing like that in the system. Listen, you must know that you are delaying the whole things, If possible, I will advise you go and collect the money back and go to where you will find WESTERN UNION and send it by WESTERN UNION. This will be the last mail I will send to you if I do not receive the money today. I await your urgent respond. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: Here is a copy of the payment slip Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 11:12:42 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. What is your secretary Mr Monday Azuka playing at over there? I am sorry that I made a mistake the first time I gave you the number but he has definitely got the right number this time and here is a copy of the payment slip to prove it. Does your secretary Mr Monday Azuka know what he is doing? It is not me who is delaying this transaction Mr Mohamed it is your secretary Mr Monday Azuka. When I transferred the money the other day the postmistress told me that collecting it at the other end was so easy that even a small child would be able to do it so why is your secretary Mr Monday Azuka having so much trouble? Maybe it is your MoneyGram agent who does not know what they are doing. If I was you I would print out the copy of the payment slip and give it to your secretary Mr Monday Azuka and tell him to take it down to the MoneyGram agency and sort things out. In fact if I was you I would be very tempted to go with him to make sure that he did not manage to mess things up. I am not happy about this Mr Mohamed because this is Lord Murray's money that we are talking about and I have told him that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka has already collected the money and if he finds out that he has not done he will not be happy and he will sack me. Print out the receipt and take it down to the MoneyGram agent and get this sorted out once and for all and get back to me when you have the money. I am not happy about the way you are handling this. I must go because Lady Murray has just received some bad news in the post this morning because apparently an elderly relative of hers has died and she is very upset. She is sitting in the library crying and sobbing and she has asked me if I will pour her a stiff whisky. She tells me that when she gets upset nothing restores her spirits more than the butler giving her a good stiff one. Get back to me as soon as you have the money. I am not pleased with you and Lord Murray will not be either. Thanking you, Beaker  From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: PLEASE GO AND COMPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE MONEYGRAM OVER THERE Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 13:23:53 +0100 (CET) Dear Beaker, I have received the copy of the payment slip, but right now the banks have gone for break and will be back in 15.00 o'clock (GMT TIME). This time I will go with my secretary to the MoneyGram office to confirm myself, but what I will advise you to do is to go back to the MoneyGram office where you transfer the money and tell them that the money you sent have not yet been received by the person as the MoneyGram over here said the number is not correct. I will like you to do that and keep me inform, because if I should take my time and go with my secretary to the MoneyGram and they said this same thing, I will not write you again, so go and tell the MoneyGram over there and keep me inform. Please I want you to call me on this number 00226-76-562-476. I await your urgent call. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: The post office is closed now until tomorrow Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 13:34:39 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I cannot go back to the post office today to check if there is a problem because Wednesday is early closing day in the village so the post office is closed now until tomorrow so if you are still having problems I will not be able to go and see what is going on until tomorrow morning. But that should not be a problem because you have the correct number now and you have a copy of the receipt too so you can see for yourself that the number is correct so if you go to the MoneyGram agent with your secretary Mr Monday Azuka with the receipt I cannot see that there would be any reason why you would not be able to pick up the money. Get back to me as soon as you have collected the money so that I can tell Lord Murray that everything is progressing well when I visit him in hospital tonight. And please make sure that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka does not mess things up again because the longer this goes on the more chance there is of Lord Murray finding out about the delay and the more chance there is of him sacking me. I will be tending to Lady Murray this afternoon because she is still very upset over the death of her elderly relative that she heard about this morning and she is not in a good state. After she asked me for a whisky this morning I gave her a good stiff one like she wanted and once she had had that she kept on asking for more so I gave her one again and again and again until she collapsed back onto the chaise longue in exhaustion. I hope she manages to compose herself before we go to visit Lord Murray tonight. I will be waiting to hear from you. Do not let me and Lord Murray down Mr Mohamed because we are counting on you. Thanking you, Beaker From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: ASK YOUR OWN LAWYER TO COME DOWN HERE AND PROCURE THOSE CERTIFICATES Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 16:36:34 +0100 (CET) Dear Beaker, I just came back from the MoneyGram with my secretary and I have confirmed from the MoneyGram office that nothing was sent on that name, because I ask the lady in the MoneyGram office to check it with the number and name which she did and nothing was seen. Well, I am only writing this mail to you just to let you know that the bank have called me today, which I told them that you are not serious and I am using this media to advise you to send your own lawyer to come down here and procure those certificates, because I will not work for you again if you don't send the money by WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER. So if really you send the money, then I will advise you go back to the MoneyGram office and collect the money, after which you have to go to wheresoever you will find WESTERN UNION and send the money by WESTERN UNION. That is all I have to tell you for now. THANKS, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Beaker To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I do not understand what is happening Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 16:10:41 Hello Mr Mohamed, It is me Beaker again. I am very distressed to hear that you and your secretary Mr Monday Azuka have been turned away from the MoneyGram office empty handed for a third time. This is no good at all. Lord Murray thinks that you already have his money and if he finds out that you do not he will be very very unhappy indeed with me. And he will be very very unhappy with you too. I can only think that there is some problem with the transfer that I made. Maybe there has been some technical problem. I do not know what could have happened because I have never used this MoneyGram before so I do not know what things can go wrong with it. I am very sorry if you and your secretary Mr Monday Azuka have been put to any trouble over this but believe me I would bet that you are not as worried about this as I am. My job is on the line here and there is no way I want to lose that. Like I told you before the post office is closed this afternoon but I will go back there first thing tomorrow morning and speak to the postmistress and tell her what has happened and see if I can find out what the problem is. I will get back to you as soon as I have done so. There must be some way we can sort this out and I promise you that I am going to do all I can to get the money to you. I must go because Lady Murray wants me to help her out in the formal gardens before I drive her to visit Lord Murray in hospital. She has stopped crying about the death of her elderly relative and she has decided to plant a bush in the formal garden in their memory and she wants me to help her plant it. Lady Murray went to the local garden centre earlier this afternoon with Titchmarsh the gardener and together they chose a suitable bush to plant. Lady Murray tells me that she is very much looking forward to showing me her bush in the garden and that she is sure that I will like it. I will get back to you as soon as I get back from the post office tomorrow morning. We will get this sorted out one way or another you mark my words. Thanking you, Beaker From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Update Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 12:33:18 -0500 (EST) Attn customer, After the board of directors' meeting this afternoon, we the aforementioned Group Bank of Africa wish to bring to your notice that the management of this financial house have deliberated with your legal representative concerning the necessary requirements, while he divulged that you did not live according to his directions. Therefore, be inform that you are given more 2 days to complete the documentation and your failure to act as directed will enhance this management to transfer your inherited fund into the bank treasury and declare your application invalid. Dr James Sawam Director Group Bank of Africa Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso From: Akpara Mohamed To: Beaker Subject: THIS CHAMBERS WILL ONLY ACCEPT INFORMATIONS FROM WESTERN UNION Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 21:03:54 +0100 (CET) Dear Beaker, My secretary said he will never go back to that MoneyGram office again, so what I will advise you to do is to collect back your money from the MoneyGram and go to anywhere you will find WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER which you have to send the money by WESTERN UNION. So if you go to the MoneyGram office tomorrow, just tell them to refund you the money back, after which you shall go to WESTERN UNION office and send the money by WESTERN UNION as that will be better, because there is a WESTERN UNION office close to the chambers. This chambers will never accept any information from MoneyGram again, because what have just happen want to dent the reputation of this chambers, so send the money by WESTERN UNION or you ask your lawyer to come down and procure those certificates for you, which I can assist him if he need my assistance. I will only accept transfer informations from WESTERN UNION. I await your urgent respond. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: What in Noel's name is going on over there? Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 08:43:55 Alpaca, Lord Murray here. I assume that my butler has kept you informed of what has been going on for the past week, so presumably you are aware that I have been hospitalised ever since the bloody idiot shot me in the rear end while he was cleaning my gun. Thankfully the injuries were not too severe, and although I am still in some considerable pain and discomfort, I am happy to report that I was discharged from the hospital late last night. Lady Murray and Beaker came to collect me in the Bentley, with some extra padded cushions for me to sit on. Whilst I am very happy to be back home, I am not at all happy to hear from Beaker what has been going on regarding this transaction. I had expected to get back to Hemlock Hall to find that this transaction had been completed, but Beaker has just informed me that you have not even collected the money he transferred for you to pay for the documents we require. I am severely displeased with Beaker - whilst I was in hospital the man told me that you had actually collected the money and that this transaction was moving forward nicely, presumably in an attempt to avoid incurring my wrath - but I am even more displeased with you, Alpaca. According to Beaker, he transferred the money to you days ago, yet you and your so-called "secretary" have not yet collected it for some unknown reason. Did I not warn you when I first agreed to retain your services that I expected nothing but the best from you, Alpaca? I certainly did not expect to encounter such hapless bumbling from you... especially when one considers how extortionate your fees are. I have found it next to impossible to get much sense out of Beaker - one is already regretting having employed him as a manservant - so I would be grateful if you could get back to me with an explanation of precisely what has been going on here. I have just received a rather uppity letter from that Sawam fellow at the bank, so I want a detailed situation report from you, Alpaca. And I want it by return if you would be so kind. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: Regarding your latest email Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 08:59:10 Sawam, Having been discharged from hospital late last night, I have just read your latest, somewhat presumptuous email. I had expected to return home to find that this transaction was all over bar the shouting, and to be honest with you I am at a loss to explain why this is not the case. According to my butler, to whom I entrusted this business during my enforced absence, the lawyer I engaged has proved to be somewhat unreliable and inefficient. As I see things at the moment, this appears to be the cause of this regrettable delay. I am currently investigating the situation in order to ascertain what has been going on and I am confident that I will be able to rectify matters shortly. In the meantime, I would be grateful if you would bear with me. I will keep you informed. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: WELCOME BACK TO BASE MY CLIENT, CALL ME NOW Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 11:54:50 +0100 (CET) Dear Client, I am very happy that you are back, well the so called Beaker transfer the money by MoneyGram which my secretary and I have gone to the MoneyGram office to collect the money, but it was reveal to us that nothing was sent on that name or number, so I asked him to go back to the MoneyGram office and retreat the money back after which he shall send it by Western Union. Dear client, you don't have to blame me for anything, because I am at your service and if I do not receive the money, do you want me to say I received it? Well I was in the bank yesterday, which I made them to understand that you are the one delaying the whole things, because I cannot procure those certificates without money, so the situation of the whole thing right now is the money to get those certificates which I have ask the so called Beaker to send the money by Western Union and not MoneyGram, as we have a Western Union office closer to the chamber here. Now that you are back, I want you to go and send the money by Western Union immediately, so that it will enable me secure the certificates today and tomorrow. I have asked you to call me on my private number, which up till now I have not receive any call from you, please try and call me on this number: 00226-76-562-476. The faster you are the better for this transaction. I await your urgent call. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Be specific to your legal representative Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 07:18:23 -0500 (EST) Attn Murray, Adoration be onto his holy name who delivered you and more Greece in his elbow. The management of this Group Bank of Africa held officials meeting for your inability to provide the necessary requirements. During the meeting, his Excellency Dr Abraham Mustapha, the Governor of the Group Bank of Africa advised the management to let you know that plane is on pipeline to transfer your inheritance fund into your nominated bank account. He further said that you should try to fulfil the chamber's demand so that fit and start of your fund transfer reconstruction will be a thing of the past. On the other hand, your legal representative has been trying to procure the requested documents but it seem your so called butler did not obey his instructions because the management of this bank called your legal representative during the officials meeting yesterday that the bank did not yet receive the required documents and Hon Barrister Akpara said that he have been putting effort in your service that he was asked to pay some money at the High Court of Justice by his Chief Justice before the documents can been obtain. It is certain that he will be charge and he is the bank accredited attorney appointed by the government to with the Bank of Africa. At the same time, we can never appoint another body to perform his duty and he have been doing this kind of your job for a long time and you don't have to say he is unreliable and inefficient because it is unspeakable. In all, remember that you are given 2 days to complete the documentation. This statement is signed by Governor Dr Abraham Mustapha and the management in general. Dr James Sawam From: Gilbert Murray To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: I want the money transferred into my bank account, not air-freighted to me Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 13:57:30 Sawam, I am in receipt of your email. To be perfectly honest with you, it has left me somewhat perplexed and confused. What is all this nonsense about a "plane being in the pipeline"? Why the dickens are you planning to send the money to me by air freight? Why not just use a simple bank to bank transfer like any normal person would? And what on earth has Greece got to do with it? I am based in the United Kingdom, Sawam, not Greece. Have you by any chance enjoyed a liquid lunch my good man? Well, at least one aspect of your email made sense. You were absolutely right when you said that "you don't have to say he is unreliable and inefficient" with regards to that Alpaca fellow. Spot on, Sawam: some things are so blindingly obvious that there is simply no need whatsoever for one to put them into words. I note that you have imposed yet another deadline of two days on me. Given the fact that I have just been discharged from hospital and I am still attempting to ascertain what the problem is, I had hoped that you would have been a tad more lenient with regards to timing. However, I am not unduly worried; I have noted that you have been as free and easy with the deadlines you have set in the past as you have been with spelling, punctuation, grammar... and with the English language as a whole. I can assure you, Sawam, that I will not rest until I have brought this transaction to a successful conclusion... and given the injuries I sustained last week at the hands of my bumbling butler Beaker, it is unlikely that I will rest for quite some time after that. I will keep you informed. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I am taking control of this transaction myself with immediate effect Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 13:59:31 Alpaca, This is most unsatisfactory. Beaker is blaming you for your incompetence and you are blaming the entire MoneyGram organisation. As for myself, I do not know who to blame, and nor do I care. What is important at the moment is to sort out whatever is the problem and get this transaction back on track. Let us save the name-calling, blame and recriminations for later. With this in mind, you will no doubt be pleased to hear that I have relieved Beaker of his duties with regards to this transaction and I will be taking full control of it myself. I intend to take whatever action is required to get this transaction up and running again without any delays whatsoever. Unfortunately, I have been moving about rather too much for my own good today and as a result my posterior is throbbing rather unpleasantly. I will therefore be spending the afternoon doing precisely what the doctor ordered, and lying down on my front. However, first thing tomorrow morning I will get Beaker to drive me down to the local post office, where I will do everything I can to sort out this problem. I will get back to you as soon as I have done so. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: This chambers will only accept transfer informations from WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 16:41:57 +0100 (CET) Dear Client, Why on earth will Beaker blame me? Am I the MoneyGram that said the number is incorrect? Please I will not like anybody to blame me, because the money is to complete my job and without the money cannot complete my job. So Beaker should not blame me for anything. Well thank GOD you are back from the hospital, so what I want you to do is to go to the MoneyGram office and retreat your money, after which you have to send the money by Western Union as I will not accept any transfer informations from MoneyGram. So I advise you send the money by Western Union money transfer as this chambers will never go back to that MoneyGram office again. Please my client, I will advise you take some rest. I await your urgent respond by tomorrow. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: You would do well to remember to whom you are addressing yourself Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 17:03:48 Alpaca, I have just raised myself from the couch on which I have been resting to stretch my legs and to check my emails. I was in the middle of composing a missive to my old friend Lady Anne Detrampe (the contents of which need not concern you) when your last email arrived in my inbox. If I may say so, Alpaca, I found the tone of your email abrupt and hectoring. Who are you to tell me that you "will never go back to that MoneyGram office again"? You would do well to remember to whom you are addressing yourself my good man. Let me be clear about this Alpaca. In this business relationship, I am the one who is remunerating you for your services and you are the one who does what I say in return for pecuniary compensation. It is not for you to tell me what to do in this business; I am paying you in order that you will do my bidding. I believe that Beaker has already explained to you on a number of occasions that the nearest Western Union agent is located a considerable distance from here. Given the fact that I am not willing to entrust this business into Beaker's hands again, I will have to be present in person when this affair is sorted out. However, the current condition of my pelletted posterior means that I am in no condition to undergo a long car journey. This means that a trip to the Western Union agent is completely out of the question. It is my understanding that MoneyGram is a reputable international organisation with a decent reputation. I cannot see that we will not be able to resolve whatever issues are causing us problems when I visit the post office tomorrow. My intention tomorrow is therefore to visit the post office first thing in the morning, find out what the problem with Beaker's transfer is, and then to resolve it. There will be no travelling to the Western Union agent. My constitution would simply not bear it as things stand at the moment. I will get back to you in the morning. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping PS. Could I ask you to have a word with that Sawam fellow at the bank? He sent me an email earlier today in which he was spouting some nonsense about air-freighting my money over to Greece for some reason. Kindly impress upon the man that once we have obtained the requisite documentation, I simply require him to transfer the money directly into my bank account. From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: OK THEN GO AHEAD AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS GOOD Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 00:00:13 +0100 (CET) Dear Client, If you say so, then do what you know is good. As for the bank, I will be there tomorrow to sort out things with the bank. I await your urgent respond by tomorrow morning. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: It is certain and we are waiting for the requested documents Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 03:11:44 -0500 (EST) Attn Murray, It is my pleasure to bring to notice that your legal representative came here this morning and stressed the need of transferring your inherited fund into your nominated bank account as soon as he present the requested documents. In the same vein, we are only waiting the requested documents and as soon as he brings the documents to this aforementioned bank, this management will remit your inherited fund into your nominated bank account in United Kingdom within the nest 72 hours. James Sawam From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: Problem solved Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 10:03:52 Alpaca, I write to you with good news. I have just returned from the post office in the village and I am pleased to report that I have managed to ascertain the cause of the problem with Beaker's MoneyGram transfer. I explained to the postmistress that your local MoneyGram agent had not been able to locate Beaker's transfer. The postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the midst of upgrading their computer hardware in this country. This has apparently resulted in what she called "internet connectivity" problems - whatever they may be - and apparently Beaker's is not the only transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. What this means is that the transfer is definitely in the MoneyGram system - the postmistress showed it to me on her own computer - but it is not showing up on your local MoneyGram agent's computer because of these "internet connectivity" problems. However, the postmistress explained that there is a simple solution to this. She told me exactly what your local MoneyGram agent needs to do in order to locate the transfer on their computer and gain access to the money. Apparently all they need to do is to follow procedure MG-ZS180 in their MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. This will apparently give your local MoneyGram agent access to all transfers that have got "stuck" in the system, and will mean that your secretary will be able to collect the money there and then. The postmistress was somewhat surprised that the MoneyGram agent your secretary visited had not followed this procedure already: apparently it is standard procedure for MoneyGram agents in situations such as this. She showed me the procedure in her own copy of the MoneyGram Procedures Handbook... in fact she was even good enough to photocopy the page for me. I have scanned it in and attached it to this email. The postmistress said to me that if your local agent did not know to carry out procedure MG-ZS180, they probably do not know their job very well and that they could probably benefit from some more training. Perhaps you ought to suggest this to the MoneyGram agent when you go back there with your secretary to collect the money. After all, their ignorance of their own procedures has wasted not only your time and your secretary's time, but - more importantly - mine as well. As it appears that your MoneyGram agent does not know their job very well, perhaps you should print off the page from the MoneyGram handbook that I have sent you and take it along with you. Then even if your MoneyGram agent does not really know what they are doing, they can follow the instructions that the postmistress gave me to gain access to the money Beaker transferred earlier in the week. Please get back to me as soon as you and your secretary have been back to the MoneyGram agent to let me know that the money is safely in your possession. I will be waiting to hear from you. Hopefully we will be able to make some real progress now that I have managed to resolve this unfortunate situation. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping  From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: ASK THE BANK TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER ATTORNEY CONTACT Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 14:49:50 +0100 (CET) Dear Client, I just came back from the MoneyGram office with my secretary and nothing was found in their system, I even print out the MoneyGram handbook which I showed to them and they said nothing can be done with that handbook. My dear client, I will advise you to ask the bank to give you another attorney contact or you can as well send down your own attorney, as I cannot conclude this job if you are not ready to send the money by Western Union money transfer. YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: What in Noel's name are you playing at man? Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 13:54:12 Alpaca, What in Noel's name are you playing at man? How can it possibly be so difficult to complete a simple money transfer? You are supposed to be a barrister, Alpaca - an educated, erudite, urbane sophisticate. But good Noel man, I have had more professional business dealings with the lad who comes to comes to sweep the horse manure out of the stables. It would seem as if you have done nothing for the past week other than scurry backwards and forwards to and from your local MoneyGram agent, and all to no avail. I simply do not understand how it can be possible that you have not yet collected the money. Have you tried going to a different MoneyGram agent? One that knows what they are doing? Here am I, bending over backwards to do everything I can to bring this transaction to a successful conclusion - and believe me, Alpaca, bending over backwards is a painful old thing in my current condition - and yet all that you seem to be able to bring to this business is sheer bloody incompetence. You make Beaker look like a paragon of proficiency, and that is saying something. Yet again you are demanding that I transfer the money to you using Western Union. Pray tell, Alpaca, precisely what the point of that would be. If you cannot complete a simple money transfer using the MoneyGram system, what is there to say that you would fare any better if I were to transfer the money to you via Western Union? I have to tell you, Alpaca, that my confidence in you is fading fast. Yet this transaction is of vital importance to me. I will tell you what I will do. I will instruct Beaker to make an appointment for me to go and visit my bank manager first thing on Monday morning and I will enquire at the bank if they can recommend any way of transferring money to the former colonies. How does that sound to you? Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: Alpaca Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 13:59:58 Sawam, I am sorry to have to tell you this, but that lawyer fellow you recommended to me is turning out to be about as much use as a chocolate knighthood. The man has displayed nothing but gross incompetence right from the very start of this business and thanks to him, this transaction has suffered nothing but delays. I am going to have to ask you to bear with me, Sawam. I am trying to resolve matters with the lawyer as we speak, but my confidence in the fellow is fast dissipating. Tell me, do you have any other lawyers you could recommend to me? Preferably one with a bit of common sense for a change. Noel give me strength. Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: It would appear that my local bank handles Western Union transactions Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2007 13:53:03 Alpaca, I trust that you have calmed down after the trials and tribulations of last week and that you are ready to conclude this business like a man. I have just returned from my bank, where I enquired about the best way to transfer money to the former colonies. To my surprise and delight, my bank manager, Nat West, explained to me that the bank had recently entered into a partnership with the Western Union organisation, and that they were therefore now in a position to transfer money via Western Union's new United Monetary Universal Priority Payment Express Transfer system. Considering the fact that you have been whining on at me to transfer the money to you by Western Union right from the start - and taking into account the complete hash that you made of collecting the money at your nearest MoneyGram agency - may I presume that transferring the money to you in this way would be acceptable? Get back to me at once and let me know. You have wasted far too much of my time already on this transaction, so I am keen to bring matters to a successful conclusion as soon as is humanly possible. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Alhaji James Sawam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: WE HAVE DELIBERATED WITH YOUR LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE TODAY Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2007 13:19:55 -0500 (EST) Attn Murray, Today, we wish to inform you that the Group Bank of Africa deliberated with your legal representative concerning the release of your inherited fund. Due to the personality of your appointed attorney, we the aforementioned bank hereby extended the deadline to Wednesday this week and your legal representative said he will as usual perform his duty. He further said that you if you refused to send the money as directed as to enable him obtain the required documents and sign your final release order will enhance the chamber to stop representing your absence. Final, he promised to be in the bank by tomorrow if you send the money by Western Union. Management From: Akpara Mohamed To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Go ahead and make the payment Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2007 19:35:05 +0100 (CET) Dear client, Well, I'm in the bank this evening and I have apologised to the directors and officials in the bank for your reluctance to send money by WESTERN UNION AGENCY to enable me secure the certificates. Now, go ahead and make the payment by WESTERN UNION tomorrow and send the payment slip. Note: my secretary made a trip to London so you are advised to send the money with my name (Akpara Mohamed). YOURS IN SERVICE, Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED From: Gilbert Murray To: Alhaji James Sawam Subject: I will be transferring the money to Alpaca tomorrow Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2007 20:48:22 Sawam, I am in receipt of your email. I am pleased to see that you have extended your deadline yet again. It is gratifying to note that your deadlines are as firm as one's John Thomas after an hour or so in the company of the delightful Lady Anne Detrampe. Please note that the delays that we have regrettably experienced so far in this transaction have not been down to me; they have all resulted from your bank's accredited attorney's sheer bloody cack-handedness when it comes to collecting money that has been transferred to him. I pray to the Great Prophet Noel that Alpaca will have no such trouble with the Western Union transfer I am going to make to him. I will be transferring the money to Alpaca in the morning. Expect him in the bank later in the day. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping PS. I would thank you to start showing some proper deference and respect and cease addressing me as "Murray", you grubby little man. The correct form of address is "Lord Murray", and don't you forget it. From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I will transfer the money to you in the morning Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2007 20:59:41 Alpaca, I am pleased to hear that a transfer via Western Union's new United Monetary Universal Priority Payment Express Transfer system will be acceptable to you. I will get Beaker to drive me into the village tomorrow morning in order to make the transfer. What a shame you did not tell me that your secretary was in London at the moment. If only I had known, I could have arranged for Beaker to travel down to meet him to ensure that he got what was coming to him in person. I will contact you as soon as I have made the transfer tomorrow. Be on the lookout for my email. These constant delays on your part are becoming exceedingly tiresome. Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: I have transferred the money Sent: Tue, 23 Jan 2007 10:27:48 Akpara, I have just returned from the village, where I visited the bank and transferred the money to you via Western Union's new United Monetary Universal Priority Payment Express Transfer system. My bank manager explained to me that Western Union recently set this system up to enable the transfer of large amounts of money directly from one's bank account, so it is absolutely ideal for our purpose. My bank manager assures me that the money will now be available for you to collect from your nearest Western Union agent immediately. I have attached a copy of the receipt to this email. It contains all of the information that you will need to pick up the money. Incidentally, it appears that I owe you an apology: I have just noticed that I have been spelling your name incorrectly ever since the start of this business. Why did you not mention this, my dear fellow? Anyway, unaccustomed as I am to excusing myself to members of the lower orders, I feel that I must apologise for any accidental slight: my error must have seemed most discourteous to you. I received another email from that Sawam fellow last night, and it sounds as if he is dreadfully keen to move things forward. He even set another deadline... the man certainly does like his deadlines, does he not? Anyway, I would appreciate it if you could see your way to collecting the money as soon as possible so that we can finally bring this business to a successful conclusion. I must go: the district nurse if due to arrive at any minute to inspect my tormented tush and to change my dressings. Kindly get back to me as soon as you return from the Western Union office. And let us have no more delays, Akpara, do you hear? Best regards, Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping  From: Gilbert Murray To: Akpara Mohamed Subject: Have you managed to get your hands on my money yet? Sent: Wed, 24 Jan 2007 08:54:55 Alpaca/Akpara/whatever your name is, What's going on at your end, man? Did you scurry off to your nearest Western Union agent yesterday clutching that Western Union UMUPPET receipt in your hand? If so, how did you get on? Have you managed to get your hands on my money yet? I hope to Noel that you have not managed to make a mess of this business yet again, Alpaca. Sometimes it appears as if making a mess of things is all that you are capable of. I am hoping against hope that you will be able to prove me wrong on this occasion. Get back to me at once with an update on the current situation, you tiresome little man. Don't you know that it just isn't the done thing to keep a member of the British aristocracy waiting? It is extremely bad form. I must go: there is a wedding in the village this afternoon and I have to prepare myself for this evening, when I will be exercising my traditional droit de seigneur over the maiden. Ah, being lord of the manor is a tough job, Alpaca... but somebody has to do it. Get back to me immediately. I am waiting. Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping From: Gilbert Murray To: Abu Bello; Akpara Mohamed; Alhaji James Sawam Subject: I wash my hands of this entire bloody business Sent: Thu, 25 Jan 2007 12:04:47 Bello; Alpaca; Sawam, Thanks to the unbelievable incompetence you three chaps have shown over the past month, I feel that I have no alternative but to wash my hands of this entire bloody business. The three of you have acted like a bunch of bloody clowns right from the start of this transaction, and to be perfectly honest one is fed up to the back teeth of the lot of you. I mean, how many times does one have to transfer money before one of you blithering buffoons proves yourself capable of picking it up? You have been the worst, Alpaca: you seem to have spent so much time skulking to and from the MoneyGram and Western Union offices that you have had no time to do any actual bloody work on this transaction. What have you been playing at, man? Were you dropped on the head when you were a child? It would not surprise me. As it happens, I received a very promising business proposal from a jolly nice chap called Abacha this morning. This Abacha fellow seems like a very professional chap... in sharp contrast to the three of you, who have been just about as professional as a bunch of nine-month old toddlers sitting around in a playpen soiling their bloody nappies. You are an absolute shower, all three of you: an absolute shower... Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping Copyright 2003-2025 www.gilbertmurray.co.uk. All rights reserved. Copyright notice |
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