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Home - The Chronicles - The Retired Wing Commander IV The Retired Wing Commander IVIn which Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) is contacted by a dying widow who wants to donate her late husband's fortune to a good cause. Will Gilbert be able to persuade her to forget about the charities she had in mind and agree to donate it to his ludicrous England for the English campaign instead? Cast of characters
From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: GREETING IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST Sent: Thu, 15 Dec 2005 17:35:00 +0000 GREETING IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, I AM MRS KRISTIN FRYE GALLAHER, A WIDOW TO LATE FRYE GALLAHER. I AM 61 YEARS OLD, I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTIAN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST, FROM ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WON'T LIVE MORE THAN SIX MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE. MY LATE HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE US RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN, AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULDN'T PRODUCE ANY CHILD. MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA, ASIA, AND EUROPE. I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE AND I PRAYED OVER IT, I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $6,000,000.00 TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT FUND IS LYING IN Central Bank of Nigeria AND UPON MY INSTRUCTION, MY ATTORNEY, WHO PRESENTLY IS IN AFRICA DISTRIBUTING RELIEF MATERIALS TO OF BOMB BLAST IN SIERRA LEONE, WILL FILE IN AN APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE MONEY IN YOUR NAME. LASTLY, I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL BE SURE FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I AWAIT URGENT REPLY. YOURS IN CHRIST, MRS KRISTIN FRYE GALLAHER From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Regarding your email Sent: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 14:41:56 Dear Mrs Gallaher, I've just read the astonishing email you sent to me earlier. I don't know how you came across my email address or what prompted you to write to me, but by God I'm glad you did. I have to say, my dear lady, that I was deeply moved by your story, which was both sad and pathetic. It sounds to me as if you've been through hell and back. My heart goes out to you. So, your husband was killed by the Yanks in Afghanistan, was he? Damn bad show if you ask me. Mind you, I used to be in the RAF myself so I know how difficult it can be to make sure your damn bombs fall on the right people. It's damn near impossible in my experience. Best thing to do when someone starts bombing your country is to get the hell out, that's what I reckon. Damn shame your husband didn't have the foresight to do just that. Anyway, enough about your dead husband. It doesn't pay to dwell on these things, you know. Life goes on as they say... although not for very much longer in your case, by the sound of it. Sorry to hear you're not too well yourself at the moment. You've not had the best luck in the world recently, have you? Now then, this offer of yours to donate this money to a good cause. Good show. Well done to you, my dear. Very charitable and all that. As it happens, I run an organisation called England for the English and we're always in need of more funding. If you'd like to throw some of your money in my direction, I'll guarantee that it'll be well-spent. Let me know if you'd like to take this any further, dear lady. If so, I'll see what I can do. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Dearest Gilbert Murray In Christ Jesus Sent: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 18:47:49 +0100 (CET) Dearest Gilbert Murray In Christ Jesus, I really appreciate your response, I really appreciate your sympathy and your words of encouragement, I pray to God to give you the strength, knowledge and understanding to do his work without any obstacle. Please use the funds for the motherless baby homes, needy, charity homes, less privileged and the poor too including the widows and also for the deaf people around the world including the church of God. I want you to contact the bank so that they can transfer the funds into your bank account and you use it for the said purpose, I want you to know that before I contacted you in this transaction I prayed to GOD to lead me to an honest person who will not disappoint me and GOD of which the good LORD lead me to you, contact the paying bank immediately you receive this email and remember to be strong in the LORD because the time is at hand, dearest Gilbert Murray in the LORD, you will find below this email the details of the paying bank, use it and contact the bank for our way forward and keep me posted with the news. Telephone: +234 8035366211 Fax: +234 092722492 Email: cbn_nigapexbank@yahoo.ie Contact person: Professor Charles C Soludo Dearest friend in Christ Jesus I will trust you in this so contact the paying bank immediately you receive this mail and I will also tell my lawyer to write to the bank too so that they will know that you are from Mrs Kristin Gallaher, I also want you to know that I pray to God to keep me alive so that I can come over to your country and see you face to face, and also both of us will spread the good news of God. Keep me posted after contacting the bank and do not forget to always pray for me because my condition is getting worst every day, don't forget to update me after contacting the paying bank and I will send you my pic in the hospital last time I went for surgery. Thanks and remain blessed in Jesus name (Amen), Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: I think we need to clear something up Sent: Sat, 17 Dec 2005 09:59:55 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Thanks for your email, dear lady. I have to say, I was damn relieved to hear back from you. Given what you told me about the state of your health, I was a bit worried that you might have kicked the damn bucket just after you sent out that first email to me. That wouldn't have done at all. Bad show and all that. Anyway, never mind. I can see that you're still in the land of the living for the moment, so that's something to be thankful for. Now then, before I contact the bank, I think there's something we need to get cleared up. You said in your last email that you want me to spend this money on orphans and widows and deaf people and whatnot. Well that's all well and good, but it seems to me that these people already have enough charities helping them out. As I said in my last email, I was planning to donate the money to the England for the English campaign. I'm its Secretary, do you see, and we're in dire need of funding to carry out our work. What we in the campaign want to do is to devolve the historic country of England from the so-called "European Community" (EC) and the artificial construct that is the "United Kingdom" (UK), and to remove the county of Cornwall from the country of England, as it shares its heritage with the Celtic countries of Scotland, Ireland and Wales rather than England and is too far away to bother about. As you'll no doubt agree, it's a bloody good cause, my dear lady. The money you're so kindly offering to donate would boost our campaign war chest considerably. With all that money, we could afford to hold demonstrations up and down the length of the bloody country. Then the government would have to sit up and take notice of us. What do you reckon, my dear lady? Would this be OK with you? I thought I'd better check first. In a way, you could look at it as if your money's still going towards orphans, poor people, widows and other such riff-raff... well, English ones, at least. It'll be helping them out by removing the yoke of British and European imperialism from around their necks, and I can't see that there's anything more important than that. Get back to me as soon as you can, my dear. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. I don't suppose you have any English blood in you, do you? From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Your advice is highly welcomed and contact the paying bank now Sent: Sat, 17 Dec 2005 13:49:48 +0100 (CET) Dearest Gilbert Murray in Christ Jesus, Thank you very much for your advice? Your advice is highly welcomed, so this regards I urge you to contact the paying bank now and keep me posted as soon as the funds hit into your bank account and please do not forget to include me in your daily prayers because of my present condition and remember to be strong in the LORD because the time is at hand. I wait to hear from you telling me that you have contacted the bank for our way forward. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: A question Sent: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 09:43:38 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Thanks for your email, dear lady. Although you didn't actually come out and say it specifically, I assume from what you wrote that you've no problem with me using this money you're so kindly donating for the England for the English campaign. I'll tell our Treasurer, Dai Jones, when I speak to him later today. He'll be over the bloody moon at the news, I can tell you that for nothing. Before I contact this Soduko chappie at the bank, a thought's come to my mind. It's about your late husband. You said he was killed by the damn Yanks in Afghanistan. Well I met up with an old chum from my RAF days this weekend, Squadron Leader Forsyth. It was nice to see him, to see him nice. Anyway, we had a good chinwag over a few brandies, and from what he says, the English and the Yanks are still hard at it over there in Afghanistan, bombing the hell out of people in an attempt to coax Johnny Caliban out of the caves he's hiding in. Now then, my dear lady, given that your late husband was hit by one of these bombs, does that mean that he was one of these damn Caliban chappies? You'll see why this is a bit of a worry for me. Here at the England for the English campaign, it's our policy not to accept funding from the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish, the Cornish and from terrorists. If your late husband was one of these terrorist fellas, we wouldn't be able to accept this money you're offering us, do you see? That'd be a damn shame. With this in mind, my dear, before we go any further I'll need your absolute assurance that your late husband wasn't one of these Caliban terrorist fellas. I'll have to convince the committee, do you see? Get back to me as soon as you can. As long as you can give me this assurance we'll be able to move forward and everything'll be fine. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER/ATTENTION: GILBERT MURRAY Sent: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 15:44:58 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXCECUTIVE (sic) GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) Sir/Madam, This is in acknowledgement of your mail and the contents. Be informed that your name was pacified in my office by Barrister Dada Miyanke an attorney to MRS KRISTIN GALLEHER (sic) in related to the transfer of six million United States dollars (6,000,000.00) into your bank account and you are hereby advised to come forward for the claim. In respect to this your correct banking details is required for the transfer as this will enable this office to effect the transfer of the funds without any encumbrances, you are also advised to furnish this office with your telephone and fax numbers for easier communication, these will enable the transfer to be effected smoothly. Yours faithfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXCECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Keep me posted Sent: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 18:57:35 +0100 (CET) Dearest Gilbert Murray in Christ Jesus, I am writing this mail to believing that you will accept this project and accept it as God's given. I want you to believe me that my money is not from terrorist and shall never be and this is because the money in question resulted from the willed funds from my late husband and my husband is not a terrorist and has never been. I am urging you to contact the bank governor who is in a position to release the funds and keep me posted. I am tired of answering many questions please as you may know that I am in hospital bed now. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Soduko has been in touch Sent: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 09:33:09 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Thanks for confirming that your late husband wasn't a terrorist. Given that fact - and the fact that he presumably wasn't Scottish, Welsh, Irish or Cornish either - we at the England for the English campaign will be more than delighted to accept your kind donation of $6 million into our campaign funds. Good show. Well done. I mentioned your generous offer of funding to Dai Jones yesterday, and the man was bloody ecstatic at the news. He was so chuffed that he nearly dropped the damn leek he was holding. He told me he'd pass the news onto the campaign Chairman, Jock McCartney, later this week when they next meet up. I can't tell you how much this money will mean to us here at the England for the English campaign, my dear lady. With all that money sloshing around in the damn coffers, we'll be able to launch a whole new series of offensives in our campaign. Dai told me yesterday that one thing he's always wanted to do but hasn't been able to due to lack of funds is to blockade all of the roads leading into Cornwall. It'd be a purely symbolic blockade of course, but it'd raise the profile of the issue in the media... and even if we only managed to keep the damn Cornish out of England for a couple of hours, it'd still be worthwhile. I don't mind telling you that I can't stand the bloody Cornish. Coming over here, foisting their damn pasties and cream bloody teas in our faces. It's just not on. Well, with your help we might finally be in a position to put a stop to it. Now then, I got an email this morning from that Soduko chappie. It didn't make a lot of sense, but I'll get back to the fella and see what the hell he's on about. He mentioned some lawyer called Dado Miyake. Is that your lawyer or is he talking about someone else entirely? Anyway, you just rest and look after yourself. We don't want you exerting yourself too much; you've got to keep your strength up... well, at least until this damn transaction's all done and dusted. I'll get back to Soduko right away and see if I can work out what he was going on about. I'll keep you informed. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Regarding your email Sent: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 09:42:16 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I'm writing to respond to the email you sent to me yesterday. First of all, I'd like to say what an honour it is to be contacted by someone as high up as the Excecutive Governor (do you mean Executive Governor, by the way?) of the Central Bank of Nigeria. Now then, before we go any further, I'm a bit confused by what you said in your email, so I think there are a number of points we need to clear up:
The woman I've been corresponding with - Mrs Kristin Gallaher - has very kindly offered to donate $6 million to the England for the English campaign, of which I'm Secretary. Is this what you were on about in your email? Please get back to me by return with some clarification of what's going on here. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thank you for your prayer/follow up the bank Sent: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 13:41:04 +0100 (CET) Dearest one in Christ Gilbert Murray, I received your mail and I am glad you put me in your daily prayer for the wellbeing of my health and may the good Lord continue to follow you everywhere you go in JESUS NAME: AMEN. I want to inform you this morning that my lawyer Barrister Dada have already forward your first email to me to the paying bank for them to contact and I am also happy that you have communicated with the bank so I am advising you to follow the bank's directives accordingly to enable the funds transferred into your bank account for the purpose of helping the poor and the needy. Again I say thank you and God bless. Your sister in the Lord, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: CLARIFICATION Sent: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 19:10:44 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXCECUTIVE (sic) GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) Sir, I have your mail and the contents noted but be informed that your details was pacified in my office by an attorney to Mrs Kristin Gallaher in respect to the transfer of her funds into any of your nominated bank account. Also be informed that I addressed you as Messers Gilbert Murray and not because you are woman but because I have never met with you before in my life and I don't know who you are, so be informed. I was not claiming to be Mrs Kristin Gallaher instead I am the Executive Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) and I am in a position to effect the immediate release of the funds once approved by the presidency. You are advised to comply with the directives of this humble office to enable the transfer of the funds go smoothly by proving your correct bank account information including your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication and to avoid wrongful transfer of funds. Call me on my telephone number +234 8035366211 for more clarification and for onward remittance of funds to your nominated bank account. I wait for your swift response. Yours faithfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXCECUTIVE GOVERNOR CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Mrs Gallaher's millions Sent: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 09:32:47 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for your email. Good to hear back from you so speedily. If there's one thing my years as a Wing Commander in the RAF taught me, it's that the one thing you need for a successful mission is speed. Well, thinking about it, you need the element of surprise too. Yes, the two things you need for a successful mission are speed and the element of surprise. And luck too. Can't do without a bit of luck in my experience. That's right, the three things you need for a successful mission are speed, the element of surprise and luck. So think on. Anyway, back to business. As you know, Mrs Gallaher's offered to donate her $6 million to the England for the English campaign, which is damn generous of her if you ask me. It warms the cockles of the old heart, it does, to know that there are such charitable people out there. You hear about so many bad things going on in the world these days - things have been going downhill ever since the empires collapsed if you ask me - but characters like Mrs Gallaher restore the old faith in human nature. You asked me to ring you. Bit of a problem there, I'm afraid. We had some bad winter storms over here last week and the high winds have brought down the damn telegraph poles leading into the village. All of the damn phones in the village are out of action. We're a bit remote out here, so the telephone company hasn't got its bloody arse into gear and come around to fix them yet. It's a damn nuisance, I can tell you. The way I see it, we'll be lucky if we get the phone lines back into action before the new year. Luckily my internet connection's rigged up through my satellite dish, so at least I can still communicate with the outside world via email. If it wasn't for that I'd be cut off completely, and that'd make it damn difficult for me in my position as Secretary of the England for the English campaign, I can tell you. So, I'm afraid that until my damn telephone's back in action, we're going to have to carry on communicating by email. Sorry old chap, but needs must and all that. Trust it won't be a problem. Looking on the bright side, it'll save me a bit of money on long distance phone calls. I shouldn't think calling Nigeria's all that cheap. Right. What's next? Mrs Gallaher told me you'd be able to sort everything out, so where do we go from here? Get back to me as soon as you can so that we can get this damn show on the road. I'll be waiting for your next email. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: A progress update Sent: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 09:53:26 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Good morning to you... or whatever time it is over there in Afghanistan. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here, with a progress update for you. Good news. Things are progressing well with that Soduko chappie. There was a bit of a mix up at the beginning when the fella seemed to think I was a damn woman for some reason, but that's all sorted out now, so nothing to worry about. So, tell me my dear, how are you? Hope you're managing to grit your teeth and bear the pain. Lie back and think of England if the pain starts to get bad, that's my advice. Always helps. Well, some bloody strong painkillers wouldn't go amiss either, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, you tell those doctors to make sure they look after you. We don't want you popping your damn clogs before we've got this money transferred now, do we? One thing's been puzzling me, dear lady. How come you're over there in Afghanistan - where your husband got blown to bits by that damn bomb - but your money's in some Nigerian bank? I didn't think Nigerian banks were exactly renowned for their financial probity. From what I've heard, they're more renowned for backhanders, palm-greasing and corruption. What on earth was your late husband thinking of when he deposited his money there? Anyway, I'm glad to say that this Soduko chappie doesn't show any signs of that; he seems to be as straight as a paperclip from what I've seen so far, so that's all well and good. I'm sure that with him in charge, we won't have any problems with this financial transaction. Look after yourself my dear, and let me know how you are. I'll be thinking of you. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo; Cc: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: What's the reason for this damn delay? Sent: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 09:36:01 Soduko, I emailed you first thing in the morning yesterday, but I've yet to receive a reply from you. What's the reason for this damn delay? You may not be aware of this, but Mrs Gallaher is not a well woman; by the sound of it, she's hanging onto life by a thread right now, so we need to move quickly here before anything happens to her. Remember what I told you in my last email about speed? Well think on. Now then, I'll be travelling extensively with the wife over Christmas, and I'm keen to get the damn ball rolling on this transaction before we leave. That means you need to take action, and you need to take it now. I can understand that you must be a very busy person and I know that it's the Christmas party season, but Mrs Gallaher's fragile condition makes this business urgent in my eyes. With that in mind, I'd appreciate it if you could put down the bottle of bubbly, unhand your secretary, drag your backside off the damn photocopier and get back to me by return with details of what we need to do to arrange this transfer. The last thing we need at this moment in time is a damn delay from your end. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: SEND YOUR BANKING DETAILS NOW Sent: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 10:47:48 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, This is in acknowledgement of your mails and I am here to clarify you with your mails' contents which state that I as the Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). Sir, be informed that this office are waiting for you to come forward by sending your correct banking details where you want the money to be transferred into and also your telephone number and fax number for onward crediting of your bank account. Send the banking details now to enable this office to proceed in transferring your approved funds. So don't complicate me with issues as I am here to discharge my duty according to my profession. I wait for your information. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Details of my bank account Sent: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 11:34:29 Soduko, Thanks for the email. Good to hear from you. I was wondering what was wrong after you didn't respond to the email I sent to you yesterday. Presumably you were busy with banking business. Well, either that or you were probably engaged in a game of hunt the sausage with a tipsy typist in the broom cupboard after an overlong Christmas lunch. You don't have to tell me what goes on in offices around Christmas time. Man of the world and all that. Just make sure the wife doesn't find out, that's my advice. Anyway, let's hope you and your staff manage to stay off the damn bottle for long enough to get things moving with this transaction. So, you need my banking details, do you? Not a problem. Here they are: Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, UK Bank account name: Gilbert Arnold Murray Bank account number: 74053275 Sort code: 21-38-19 You also asked for my phone number. If you'd read the email I sent to you yesterday, you'd have known that there's a problem with my damn phone at the moment, so it's not working. However, I'm hoping that the telephone company will get its act together and reconnect me before too long, so here's the number anyway, for when the phone's back in action: 01927 58367. So, what's next? Now you've got my bank account details I presume you can just transfer the money straight into it. How long do you reckon it'll take before the money appears in my account? I imagine there'll be some damn delay because of Christmas, but do you reckon the money will be in there by the start of the new year? Get back to me and let me know, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER Sent: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 13:24:42 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, Your details was pacified in my office and according to our banking ethics you are hereby advised to complete the attached documents and send it back to enable the transfer of your fund take place. Yours faithfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)   From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: A few queries Sent: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 15:31:58 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for your email and for sending me those forms. It seems to me like we're making some real progress here. Good man. Old Mrs Gallaher will be delighted. Now then, I've cast the old eyes over the forms you sent me and I've got a few queries. Paperwork has never been my strong point, do you see? I'm much more the man of action: I've always left the form-filling to the pencil-pushers back at base. That's just the way it is, I suppose: some of us are born to conduct daring, dangerous bombing raids under enemy fire, while others are more suited to a namby-pamby existence spent behind a desk. No offence meant, of course. Each to his own and all that. I'm sure that working behind a damn desk must bring rewards of its own. Damned if I can work out what the hell they could be though. Anyway, these queries of mine. First of all, this "Authority to Remit" form. Mostly self-explanatory, but I can't work out what to put under "Contract No". There isn't any damn contract as far as I'm aware, so what do I put there? Secondly, this "Non-Residential Contractors'" form. What's that all about then? It says "I wish to apply for the Central Bank of Nigeria Banking Service" at the top of the form. Well no offence, but I don't; all I want you to do is to transfer Mrs Gallaher's money into my damn bank account. I don't understand the purpose of this form at all. Please explain. While we're at it, I'd better give you a heads-up on my movements over the Christmas period. I'll be travelling round the country from tomorrow evening onwards, visiting the wife's relatives and doing the usual family nonsense that goes on every Christmas and new year. The upshot of this is that I probably won't be available much at all after tomorrow until the beginning of January. I trust this won't be a problem. You banking johnnies usually take a lot of time off over Christmas anyway, don't you, so I'm sure this won't be too inconvenient for you. It's a bit of a shame, given Mrs Gallaher's current state of health, but there's nothing I can do about it. Prior commitments, do you see? The old dear will just have to hang onto life for that little bit longer over Christmas. Get back to me as soon as you can with answers to my queries, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Is everything alright? Sent: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 09:45:52 Dear Mrs Gallaher, I'm starting to get a bit concerned that I haven't heard from you for a few days. Is everything alright, my dear? I hope the doctor chappies in the hospital are treating you well and that you haven't shuffled off this mortal coil just yet. That'd make this whole transaction damn awkward, do you see? Do get back to me as soon as you can summon up the energy to raise your hands to the computer keyboard, dear lady. I'm worried about you and I need to know that you're alright. You'll be pleased to hear that things are moving along nicely regarding the transfer of your late husband's fortune into my bank account. Soduko sent me a couple of forms yesterday that I'm supposed to fill in. I sent him back a couple of queries, and as soon as I get a response out of the fella I should be in a position to move forward. I've told Soduko that I won't be available for most of the Christmas period: I'm travelling around with the wife visiting her relatives. Damn boring if you ask me, but it pays to keep the wife happy, that's what I reckon. Anyway, this means we'll probably have to put this whole damn transaction on hold until the new year. I imagine Soduko and his cronies at the bank will probably be on holiday then anyway, so it shouldn't be a problem in that respect. So, all you've got to do is to hang on in there and do your best to keep breathing until January, my dear. Trust that won't be a problem. Tell those doctor chappies to dose you up with morphine. That should help to dull the pain. Anyway, I'll sign off here by wishing you a damn merry Christmas. Well, as merry as it can be when you're lying in some fly-blown Afghan hospital with your life ebbing away from you. I'll be back in touch in the new year. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Here's a tip: if you see a bright light, don't go towards it. Got that? Jolly good. From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Get back to me immediately Sent: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 11:51:29 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I sent you a few queries yesterday about those damn forms you sent me. Why the devil haven't you got back to me yet with some answers? Given that it's the day before Christmas Eve, no doubt you'll be too busy scoffing mince pies, knocking back the brandy and chasing anything in a skirt around the damn office to bother yourself with any real work. But this is important, Soduko. I've already told you that I'm going away tonight, and I'd appreciate some answers out of you before I leave if that's not too much to ask. Mrs Gallaher and I are counting on you. I'll tell you something, Soduko, it's people like Mrs Gallaher who make you think about the true meaning of Christmas. It's not all about expensive presents, overindulgence and riotous office parties, do you hear? Never forget what Christmas really symbolises, Soduko: that bearded middle-eastern fella getting himself nailed to a tree so that we could carry on sinning and get away with it. Or is that Whitsun? Oh well, never mind. I'm here till the end of the day. Get back to me immediately with answers to my queries and hopefully we can make some real progress before the Christmas break. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I am sorry for late reply it is because of my health Sent: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 18:29:54 +0100 (CET) Dearest Gilbert Murray in Christ Jesus, Calvary of greetings in the Lord. Thank you very much for your mails and all the contents appreciated. I will advise you to give the bank all the needed support for the transfer of my money and please keep me posted with news immediately the money is transferred. I pray that heavenly father will give you the power and grace to work in his way in JESUS NAME: AMEN. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo; Cc: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Let's get this damn business back on track Sent: Mon, 02 Jan 2006 16:22:26 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Happy new year and all that palaver. As you'll see, I'm back from my Christmas break and I'm keen to get this damn business back on track. Now then, if you cast your mind back to the end of last year, I sent you a couple of queries about some damn forms you sent me to fill in. Well I'm disappointed to see that I still haven't had a damn response out of you. How the blazes you expect me to fill in the damn forms when you don't even answer my questions is beyond me, Soduko, it really is. As it's the season of goodwill and all that, I'm willing to be charitable and assume that you accidentally deleted the emails I sent to you at the end of last year after a drunken Christmas party. Assuming that to be the case, here's my queries again:
There you go. Now you've got my queries again, I expect an answer from you by return. Remember Soduko, Mrs Gallaher is close to death's door, so we need to get this damn transaction completed as quickly as possible. I expect you to put it right at the top of your list of priorities for 2006. That's certainly what I'll be doing. Get back to me with some answers so that we can make some damn progress, there's a good man. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Happy new year, dear lady Sent: Mon, 02 Jan 2006 16:28:49 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Happy new year to you and all that. Trust you had a good festive season and that the new year sees you still managing to cling desperately onto life. Glad to report that I had a good Christmas myself. Well, apart from the visit down to Devon to see the wife's cousin. Bit too near to bloody Cornwall for my liking, do you see? We were only six miles away from the border, and I swear I could smell the scent of cooking pasties when the wind was coming from the west. Not my cup of tea at all. Anyway, as you'll have seen from the email I forwarded onto you, I've been onto Soduko and asked him to get back to me right away with some answers to the questions I put to him at the end of last year. He was probably a bit too full of the Christmas spirit to get around to answering them last year. Let's just hope that he's made a new year's resolution to sober up and treat his business with a touch more urgency. Do get back to me and let me know how you're getting on. I've been worrying about you all over Christmas. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo; Cc: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Why the devil haven't you responded to my damn queries? Sent: Tue, 03 Jan 2006 17:32:17 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What the blazes is going on over at your end, man? Why the devil haven't you responded to my queries? Is everyone at your damn bank still hungover after Christmas or what? This won't do, do you hear me? It just won't do, I tell you. Thanks to your lackadaisical attitude, this whole damn business is going to hell in a handcart. Dear old Mrs Gallaher is dying, man. Do you understand that? She hasn't got much time left by the sound of things. If she pops her little Afghan clogs before we get this damn business concluded, it'll be all your fault. I've just about had enough of your damn delays. Get with the programme, Soduko, and get back to me immediately. I'm waiting to hear from you. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. You haven't got any damn Cornish blood in you, have you? Just wondered. It'd explain a lot, you see. From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: YOU ARE ADVISE TO COMPLETE THE NEEDED DOCUMENTS NOW AND RETURN IT Sent: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 13:58:59 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mails and regarding your questions:
Sir, you are hereby advise to complete those documents and remember that the contract number should be blank while the non-residential form should be filled up with your details. I wait to have the filled documents in your next email for onward crediting of your account without further delay. Yours faithfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Thanks for the advice Sent: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 16:42:22 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for the advice about those damn forms you sent me. Better late than never, I suppose. Rest assured that I'm now thoroughly informed. No damn question about that. I'll take a look at those forms tonight and see what I can do about filling them in. Might have a touch of trouble scanning the damn things in to send them to you, mind: we had the local butcher round for a spot of tiffin the other day and his lady wife managed to drop some bloody offal into the scanner. Damn foolish filly if you ask me. I've done my best to clear it out but the bloody thing's still playing up. I'll do what I can. I'll get back to you with those damn forms as soon as I can. In the meantime Soduko, how long do you reckon it'll be before that money's transferred into my damn bank account? You see I've told everyone in the England for the English campaign about my stroke of luck, and they're all straining at the leash to get their hands on the money so that we can start some new campaigns. Paddy O'Reilly reckons we should be able to afford to take out some full page ads in the national press to hammer home our anti-Cornish message. So Soduko, how long do you reckon it'll be before the money gets to me, eh? Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Bit of a problem Sent: Thu, 05 Jan 2006 11:34:15 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Bit of a problem with the old scanner, I'm afraid. The damn machine's not working. I reckon it's still got some guts somewhere in its workings. I'll have to take the damn thing apart and see if I can clean it out properly. Not to worry though, Soduko. It's the monthly meeting of the England for the English campaign this evening, and I know for a fact that Rhys Morgan's going to be bringing along his digital camera: he's promised to show us some snaps of his Christmas holiday up in Orkney. I'll take those damn forms along with me tonight and get Rhys to take a picture of them so that I can send them onto you. Have you heard from old Mrs Gallaher, by the way? I don't mind telling you that I'm starting to get a bit worried about the old dear. I've not heard a peep out of her since Christmas, do you see? I'm worried that she might have taken a turn for the worse. I don't suppose you know which hospital the old girl is in, do you? I was thinking of sending her some damn flowers. Women seem to like that kind of thing. A bunch from you and your sidekicks at the bank wouldn't go amiss either if you ask me. Anyway, I'll send on those forms first thing in the morning. You can get back to rearranging your damn paperclips now, or whatever it is you do in a bank. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: SEND THOSE DOCUMENTS NOW BY EMAIL ATTACHMENT Sent: Thu, 05 Jan 2006 18:37:23 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXCECUTIVE (sic) GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, This is in acknowledgement of your mail. And I want you to complete those documents and send it back to me through email attachment for my understanding and banking records and for onward processing of the funds transfer into your nominated bank account. I wait to have the complete documents today. Yours faithfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXCECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Documents attached Sent: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 10:34:42 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Good news: even though my damn scanner's gone for a burton I managed to take a photo of those two damn documents using Rhys Morgan's digital camera last night. Damn fine chap, Morgan. Don't know what we at the England for the English campaign would do if it wasn't for the likes of chaps like him. I've attached the documents to this email. Let me know the moment you get them, won't you? Now then, Soduko. Now you've got hold of these damn documents, how soon will you be able to transfer old Mrs Gallaher's money into my bank account? I've asked you this a number of times and you still haven't provided me with an answer. I'd appreciate one by return. Damn important thing, customer service. Bartletts swear by it. You could end up losing customers to other banks if you carry on like this, not answering your customers' questions. And then where would you be? Think on, Soduko, do you hear? Get back to me as soon as you can, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. I notice you've gone back to signing yourself off as the "Excecutive" Governor of your bank. Take a tip from me, Soduko. Once you've overhauled the customer service side of things in your bank, you might like to think about using a damn spellchecker. Damn poor show when you can't even spell your own bloody job title without making a damn fool mistake like that.   From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thanks for your mails and contact the paying bank now and also keep me posted with good news Sent: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 14:04:42 +0100 (CET) Dearest friend in Christ Jesus, I am very sorry for late response it is because of the nature of my health and I believe you will understand what I am going through now. Well I received all your mails this morning and I am very happy to hear from you, please I am advising you to comply with the paying bank so that our money will be transferred into your bank account in UK. Please keep me updated with the good news and do not forget to include me in your daily prayers because of my present condition so that even if I die today I will be rest assured that my money will be used for the said purpose and do remember to be strong in the LORD because the time is at hand. Contact the paying bank now and keep me updated as soon as you hear any good news from them because I will like to meet with you and your family members face to face in United Kingdom before backing out. And again I say thank you. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: YOUR URGENT ATTENTION IS HIGHLY NEEDED SIR Sent: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 12:44:42 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, After much verification and consideration, in collaboration with the Apex Bank of Nigeria, CBN has resolved to pay you your inheritance fund of $6 million with payment reference no 545000358, allocation no 604728, password no 9955104, pin code no 44779 and your certificate of merit payment no 202, CBN release code no 0494, immediate telex confirmation no 1144778401, secret code no XTV12349, which has been long overdue. Your payment is under category "A" special according to the Contractors'/Beneficiaries' Payment Law of 1995, section 2248, vol 4, sub-section 9811 of 1995 as amended in 1998 of the Contractual Law. However, irrevocable instruction has been given to Apex Bank of Nigeria to release the funds to you. Be advised that the CBN is now ready to release the fund directly into your account. You are hereby advised to produce an anti-drug and money laundry certificate, and a power of attorney and certificate of claim to enable us to carry this transfer successfully. This certificate is for your own security and to avert your government questioning about the source and the legality of the fund and so that your government of England will not charge you for money laundering and drug trafficking. You are also required to produce an attorney who will sign off the payment slip on your behalf because that will make your government to know that this transaction is legal with the backup of a CBN accredited attorney or your presence will be highly required for a swift transaction. You are advised to come up with the detailed requirements within the next 48 banking hours for the immediate release of your funds. Call me on +234-8035366211 for briefing and for swift release fund transfer. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: You've confused me now Sent: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 14:52:05 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Just read the email you sent me earlier. Afraid to say that I didn't understand a word of it. What the blazes do all those bloody numbers mean? Am I supposed to do anything with them? If so, what? And what's all this about money laundering and drug trafficking? I don't want anything to do with that kind of caper, Soduko. I'll have you know that I'm a decent, law abiding citizen, and there's no way I want to get mixed up with any nonsense like that. Got the old reputation to think about, do you see? I'm surprised you suggested it, to be honest. Tell you what, Soduko, let's do this the easy way. Just transfer the money into my bank account like I've asked you to, and let's not bother ourselves with all the rigmarole you went on about in your email. There's no need to complicate matters, is there? Why make things difficult for ourselves, eh? Now then, I'll be away for the weekend. Travelling up to Fort William to visit an old chum from my RAF days, Squadron Leader Charlie Kennedy. I don't mind telling you, he likes a drop of the old whisky does Kennedy. I'll never forget the time back in the Falklands War when he was leading his squadron into battle against the Argie fleet. He'd had a skinful the night before and he'd downed half a bottle of whisky for breakfast - hair of the dog, do you see - and would you believe it, he ended up bombing the living daylights out of one of our own battleships! He blew the damn thing right out of the water! The navy chappies were none too pleased, but it gave us something to laugh about that night in the bar, I can tell you. Anyway, do you reckon you can have the money transferred into my account by sometime next week, Soduko? Let me know and I'll touch base with you on Monday to see how things are going. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Glad to hear you're still alive Sent: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 14:56:25 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Damn relieved to receive that email from you. After I didn't hear from you for so long I was starting to worry that you'd breathed your last. Good to hear you're still hanging on in there. Keep it up. Good news about this damn money. Sudoko got back to me today and let me know that the bank's approved the transfer. He was waffling on about all sorts of nonsense - you know what these damn banking types are like - but basically the money's there, ready to be transferred. Good show. Have yourself a good weekend, dear lady, and try to cling onto life for a little while longer, there's a good girl. We'll soon have that damn money transferred, and then you'll be able to die happy in the knowledge that your money's being used for a damn good cause. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Dearest Gilbert Murray in Christ Jesus Sent: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 19:07:33 +0100 (CET) Dearest Gilbert Murray in Christ Jesus, I received an email this morning from the bank after my email communication with them about the new development and the secretary to the governor informed me through email that the reason of the requirement of an attorney is for the attorney to stand in as your authorised person and complete the signing process of the final transfer slip and they told me that they are going to send the original documents to you after the documents have been signed, so I am doing all I can and will continue until I hear from you that everything is OK. In a related development, I have applied for an attorney who will represent you in the bank because my personal attorney is in Germany for a conference and I cannot communicate with him as of now so I have to make an arrangement for an alternative and he also sent me an urgent response email that he is ready to work for us. So I want you to contact the attorney Barrister Chinedu Abel immediately you receive this my mail at his contact email: cas_equitychambers60000@yahoo.com. His telephone number is 234-8053372567 and let him understand that time is fast running out and that he should try and do all he can for us as the bank gave us only two days to come up with the requirements. Keep me posted with development. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: TRANSFER UPDATE AND READ MY MAIL CAREFULLY YOU WILL UNDERSTAND Sent: Sat, 07 Jan 2006 16:18:30 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and for more clarification I am here to discharge my duty accordingly and nobody is going to be treated differently. I want you to understand that whatever that is required from you is according to the banking procedure here in Nigeria as this bank is not going to be liable to any mistakes that might come from a beneficiary's end and so any beneficiary has all the authority to take this bank to any level on failing to serve him/her with due respect and integrity, so in this regards your attorney is highly needed in this matter because we are talking about millions of United States dollars and not peanut so cautious must be employed. The original documents must be fully signed and endorsed by me before sending it to you and that has to be handy to you or your attorney as the case may be. So take note. And finally I will be waiting for the requirements before the closure of office today. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Let's get this straight Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 09:33:32 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Got back late last night from my weekend away visiting my old mate Charlie Kennedy. Poor chap's not been having a good time of it recently. Like I told you last week, he likes a drop of the hard stuff. Well, apparently he was head of his local Liberal club, and he's been forced to resign because of his drinking. Damn shame if you ask me. Kennedy's a decent chap, and just because a fella likes the odd tipple, that's no reason to kick him out of his post. If you ask me Soduko, the odd drop of strong liquor never did anyone any harm. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm quite partial to the odd gin myself - once the sun's gone over the yardarm, of course - and going by your emails, I'm sure I'm safe in saying that you're not exactly averse to the odd drink yourself. Anyway, enough of this damn badinage Soduko. Let's try to stick to the bloody point for once. Back to business and all that. I've read your emails again and I have to tell you that I'm finding it damn difficult to get things straight in my head. The somewhat bibulous weekend I've just had with Kennedy probably didn't help matters, but that's neither here nor there. Now then, you say I need a damn lawyer to help me with this business, but I'm not finding it easy to work out exactly what I need a damn lawyer for. Just so that I know exactly what's going on here, I'd appreciate it if you could tell me plainly and simply exactly what I need a lawyer for. Once I have that information from you, I'll do what I can to obtain the services of some legal johnny who can sort things out for me. One final thing, Soduko. The old head's in a bit of a fragile state this morning, so I'd appreciate it if you could try not to use quite so much of that damn banking jargon you tend to lapse into in your emails. Try to put things in plain and simple English for once, there's a good chap. It'll make things easier all round, do you hear? Right then. I'm off to find the old Alka-seltzer. Get back to me as soon as you can, there's a good fella. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND ACT FAST Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 10:13:35 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and I want you to understand we need an attorney who will stand on your behalf to sign off your payment slip in this bank or if you can be able to come down to Nigeria and sign it by yourself your presence will be highly welcomed. So in this regards your attorney is highly needed in this matter if you wouldn't be available because we are talking about millions of United States dollars and not peanut so cautious must be employed. The original documents must be fully signed and endorsed by me before sending it to you and that has to be handy to you or your attorney as the case may be. So take note. And finally I will be waiting for the requirements before the closure of office today. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Answer Back Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 11:19:59 +0100 (CET) Dearest one in Christ Jesus, How are you and your family in the LORD today including your work? I do hope that this mail meets you in good health. Please let me know if you have contacted BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL as I directed you so that he can get all the needed certificates that were demand by the paying bank. Keep me updated if you have contacted the attorney. I wait to read from you soon. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: What about those damn certificates? Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 10:43:59 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for your email. You'll be glad to hear that the damn Alka-seltzer's starting to take effect, so the old head's not throbbing quite as much as it was before. So, you reckon that unless I can travel down to Nigeria myself, I'll need an attorney to sign some legal bumf on my behalf, is that it? I have to tell you Soduko, I'm none too keen on the idea of flying all the way to bloody Nigeria just to sign a blasted document. The damn climate doesn't suit me, do you see? On top of that, I found out many years ago during my time in the Sudan that I'm highly allergic to wildebeest, and my doctor advised me to steer clear of Africa - and safari parks - at all costs. The last thing I want is to come out in spots like that again. They were everywhere, Soduko... and I mean everywhere. Damn embarrassing, itching like that in public, I can tell you. Now then, you were wittering on last week about an "anti-drug and money laundry certificate", a "power of attorney" and a "certificate of claim". Do I still have to get hold of these things, or don't I need to bother with them now? Do I need a damn lawyer to sort all that out for me? Let's get this straight, Soduko. If I'm going to employ the services of some legal eagle, I need to be able to tell him right from the outset exactly what I need him to do. So stop dribbling this damn information to me bit by bit, and tell me once and for all, in a single bloody email, all of the things I'll need this lawyer johnny to do. Get back to me by return, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher; Cc: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: I'm still waiting for some information from Soduko Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 13:23:17 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for your emails. I haven't got in touch with that lawyer chappie you were on about as yet. I'm still waiting for some information from Soduko about exactly what we need the lawyer to do. Can't get in touch with a lawyer and ask him to work for me unless I'm in a position to be able to tell him exactly what I want him to do. That'd be nothing short of madness. Soduko's told me so far that I need the lawyer to sign some document or other, but he's not yet confirmed whether or not I need the lawyer to get his hands on some damn certificates. To tell the truth, dear lady, I'm finding Soduko's emails pretty bloody confusing. I'm a Wing Commander, do you see, not a banker, so a lot of this damn banking jargon is going right over my head. I just wish he'd put things plainly and simply. Anyway, as soon as Soduko's got back to me with a definitive list of what we need a damn lawyer to do we can make some progress. Look after yourself now, won't you? Stiff upper lip and all that. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: DO NOT QUESTION ME AGAIN JUST CONTACT ATTORNEY ABEL SAN Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 15:27:41 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mails and I am here to clarify you with your questions, the reason why we need these certificates is for your own security and to avert your government questioning about the source and the legality of the fund and so that your government of England will not charge you for money laundering and drug trafficking. Sir, I want you to understand that is why this bank need you to come down to Nigeria or you contact an attorney here in Nigeria as your friend Mrs Kristin Gallaher advised you so that he can come immediately with the needed certificates and sign off the payment slip on your behalf because that will make your government to know that this transaction is legal with the backup of a CBN accredited attorney or your presence will be highly required for a swift transaction. You are advised to contact attorney Chinedu Abel San. He is a well known attorney here in Nigeria. Contact him within the next 48 banking hours for the immediate release of your funds. Call me on +234-8035366211 for briefing and for swift release fund transfer. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Urgent Please Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 17:16:08 +0100 (CET) Dearest one in Christ Jesus, Thank you very much for your updated email, I am urging you to contact BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL now so that he can help us and get the certificates ready and also visit the bank and sign the documents so that things can work out as we planned. Dearest one in the LORD, you will find below in this email the lawyer's email address and telephone number: +234-8953372567 and cas_equitychambers60000@yahoo.com. Contact him now and keep me posted with the good news because I have already informed him that you will be contacting him so that he can help us out. I wait to hear from you telling me that you have contacted BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Let's be clear about this Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 16:24:08 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for the email. I think I understand it all now, but I'd appreciate it if you could just take a look at this email and let me know if I've got the right end of the damn stick or not. OK? The way I understand it, I need to hire a lawyer to do the following:
Is that it? Have I got the facts right now Soduko? Let me know as soon as you can and I'll get right onto this lawyer chappie. I'm just nipping out to the corner shop - I've run out of gin and pipe tobacco, and both at the same time, would you believe it? That'll never do. Can't put up with the wife's nagging without a stiff gin in my hand and a pipe in the old mouth. I'll check my emails as soon as I get back. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Are you a married man Soduko? Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't do 'em in for the insurance money for fear of getting caught. Oh well, never mind. From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I AM WAITING FOR THE ATTORNEY NOW Sent: Mon, 09 Jan 2006 16:56:07 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mails and I am here to clarify you once again with your questions.
You are advised to contact attorney Chinedu Abel San within the next 48 banking hours for the immediate release of your funds. Call me on +234-8035366211 for briefing and for swift release fund transfer. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: I'll find myself a lawyer right away Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 10:02:55 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for the email. Think I've got it all clear in my head now, so that's good. Right then. Now that's all sorted out, I'll find myself a lawyer right away. I'll get back to you as soon as is likely. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Lawyers Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 10:09:16 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Good news, dear lady: Soduko's explained everything to my satisfaction at last, so now things are as clear as a glass of ouzo and lemonade. So, it seems like I need to appoint a damn lawyer to sort things out for me. If I remember rightly, you said your own lawyer was over in Germany at the moment, so we won't be able to use him. A damn fine country, Germany. My late father - "Bomber Murray" as he was known by his chums in the RAF at the time - played a major role in the redevelopment of some of Germany's largest cities decades ago. Places like Berlin, Hamburg and Dresden wouldn't look the way they do now without old "Bomber Murray's" efforts. Of course, he was mostly involved in the preparatory demolition work rather than the reconstruction afterwards, but it's two sides of the same damn coin. Anyway, you mentioned some other lawyer chappie called Chinudo something or other. Sounds like a foreign fella to me. Look here, my dear lady, if my experiences with the damn Cornish have taught me anything, it's that you can't trust foreigners any further than you can throw them... present company excepted, of course. I was overcharged outrageously in a hotel down in Newquay back in the 60's, and I've never forgotten it. I'm sure this Chinudo's a good enough lawyer in his own way, but to be honest with you, I'd feel much more comfortable using an English lawyer. As it happens, there's a lawyer in the village who I've used on and off for over ten years: Welsby, of the firm Elton & Welsby. Welsby's a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. He also charges extremely reasonable fees. Welsby's got the sharpest legal brain I've ever come across. He proved invaluable the other year after an unfortunate incident involving one gin and tonic too many during the planning of a bombing raid in Iraq and the subsequent carpet-bombing of the biggest hospital in Baghdad. Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing war crimes tribunal at The Hague. Not only did he manage to get all charges against me dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved families. I can't recommend Welsby highly enough. What do you reckon, my dear lady? Shall I pop my head around his door and see if he can help us out with this damn business? Let me know what you think. If you approve, I'll get onto Welsby right away and ask him to swing into action on our behalf. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: INFORMATION Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 11:35:59 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and I am here to clarify you once more this morning, be informed that those certificates has be proclaim from Nigeria so be informed. I will be expecting your attorney along with the certificates today. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Stop delay contact attorney CHINEDU ABEL now and keep me updated Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 12:51:27 +0100 (CET) Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus, Thanks for your mail and I urge you to contact BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL in Nigeria so that he can help us out immediately because the paying bank informed me that if you cannot come down to Nigeria than we should contact an attorney in Nigeria that is why I have to get in touch with BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL so contact him immediately you receive this email and stop delaying. I am waiting to hear from you telling me that you have contacted attorney CHINEDU ABEL. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: I'm simply trying to make sure that we get the best damn lawyer we can Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 14:04:22 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. To tell the truth, my dear, I'm a bit damn insulted that you're accusing me of delaying things. All I'm trying to do is to make sure that we get the best damn lawyer we can to work on this transaction for us... and believe me, they don't come any better than Welsby. No offence to that Chinudo chappie, but I don't know him from Adam. He could be alright, but on the other hand he could be as much use as a chocolate control tower. And if there's one thing that's bound to delay us, in my experience, it's a damn useless lawyer. On top of this, I've got no idea how much that Chinudo fella will charge for helping us out, but I know for a fact that Welsby's fees are always bloody reasonable. What do you think, my dear? Shall I give Welsby a shout and see if he's free to act on our behalf? Trust me, you won't regret it. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: CHINEDU ABEL WILL HELP US OUT HE IS A NICE ATTORNEY CONTACT HIM NOW PLEASE Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 17:47:59 +0100 (CET) Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus, Thank you very much for your updated email and I want you to understand that BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL will help us out that is why I said you should contact because I have already informed him about the needed certificates and he assure me that he will get them ready for us and also go to the paying bank and sign off our payment slip. So in this regards dearest one in Christ Jesus, contact attorney CHINEDU ABEL now so that things can work out as we planned because immediately we get all these certificates ready from him your bank account will be credited and you must understand that the paying bank are waiting for us to come forward. Dearest friend in Christ Jesus, please I am pleading with you in NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST to contact attorney ABEL now because I know him very well he will help us out. I am waiting to hear from you telling me that you have contacted ABEL. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Contact attorney ABEL NOW he is a very good attorney Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 17:54:57 +0100 (CET) Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus, The paying bank are waiting for ABEL because I have already informed them that CHINEDU will be coming down to their office soon, so contact attorney CHINEDU ABEL and I want you to know that BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL is very good attorney that is why I want you to contact him immediately you receive this email. I am online now waiting for you to tell me that you have contacted ABEL he is ready to work for us try and understand me, I am here to protect you OK. I am waiting to hear from you soon please. From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: I'll contact this Chinudo chappie and see what I think of him Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 17:14:55 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. You seem pretty damn sure that you want us to use this Chinudo fella rather than procuring the services of the eminent Welsby. I have to say, I think you may be making a mistake here, my dear lady. I still reckon Welsby's our man. I'd be bloody amazed if this Chinudo chappie could get the better of him in a court of law. Nevertheless, you're a woman, and I know what you damn females can be like if you don't get your own way. So to keep you happy, here's what I'll do. I'll get in touch with Chinudo, explain the situation and ask him to give us a quotation. Let's see how much the fella intends to charge us before we agree to work with him. While I'm at it, I'll ask him about his qualifications and his experience. Stuff like that is important, do you see? I mean you don't want to find yourself in a court of law represented by a barrister who's still wet behind the ears now, do you? Let's see how this Chinudo chappie acquits himself in the first instance. Once I hear back from him, I'll make a decision about whether or not to take up his services. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel; Cc: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: An enquiry about your services Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 17:25:02 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I'm working on a financial transaction with Mrs Kristin Gallaher, a delightful woman who's unfortunately about to kick the bucket thanks to some hideous disease. Anyway, as you may be aware, Mrs Gallaher's kindly agreed to donate $6 million to the England for the English campaign, of which I'm Secretary. Damn generous of her, I'm sure you'll agree. Now then, we've been communicating with some fella called Soduko at the Central Bank of Nigeria, and he tells me that in order to get this damn money transferred into my account, I need to employ the services of a lawyer. Mrs Gallaher tells me that she's already spoken to you about this, so I won't bore you with the damn detail. But in brief, here's what we need you to do:
The bank's recommended that I procure your services to carry out these tasks. However, I've used the same lawyer for over ten years and I'm a tad wary about placing my legal affairs in the hands of someone I don't know. I'm sure you can understand. To set the old mind at rest, I'd appreciate it if you could get back to me by return with details of your legal qualifications and your experience. I want to be sure that I'm not entrusting my affairs to some young whippersnapper who's fresh out of law school, do you see? On top of that, kindly get back to me with a quotation for how much it'll cost for you to do this bit of work for me. My own lawyer, Welsby, has always charged damn reasonable fees, and I'm not willing to take you on for this job before I know exactly what it's going to cost me. Get back to me as quickly as you can, there's a good chap. Mrs Gallaher speaks damn highly of you. Let's see if you can live up to her words of praise. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: FROM BARR CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 10:49:34 -0800 (PST) Dear Gilbert Murray, Sir, I have your mail and I am sorry for the late reply, I was busy with my court litigation. Be advised that this chambers was equally briefed and contracted by MRS KRISTIN GALLAHER to assist you in the signing and claiming of your money from the Central Bank of Nigeria as I am going to procure the legal documentation within the armbit (sic) of the law towards the consummation and transfer of $6,000,000.00 ($6 million) into your nominated bank account. Be informed that I am going to carry out this project transfer of fund with the best of my ability and for the legality of the funds, I will not violate your country's law and ethics of your profession/integrity. Meanwhile, the contents of your mail were quite understood and for clarity, I shall secure in your favour the ANTI-TERRORIST and NON MONEY LAUNDRY certificates which will clearly show the source of the funds and that the fund is not meant for terrorism and will represent you accordingly. I have also applied for the documents that will cover this transaction and for the paying bank to transfer the fund immediately into your nominated bank. In this regards I have gone to the federal high court of Nigeria in Abuja the federal capital territory for the processing of the documents and I have done that through network communication and for clarity and your understanding the anti-terrorist and money laundering certificate will cost $2,320 and to obtain a power of attorney that will allow me to fully represent you is $1,275 and my airfare/welfare to the Central Bank's annex in Abuja will be $370 so I am up and ready for your services totalling $3,965. I will take the any available flight as soon as I receive the funds for the procedure and I am going to send to you the documents copy through DHL courier services for your understanding and reference purpose as the bank transfer your money. Send the money today through Western Union money transfer immediately including your full mailing contact address where I can direct the documents as I will be leaving for CBN on 12 January according to their mail and I will be expecting you to send the money through my secretary in the office. Receiver's name: Chuka Ngenede Security question: Chinedu Answer: Abel Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria I will leave for the processing of the documents immediately I receive your payment information. Send me the requested information including your direct phone/fax numbers for oral communication. Enclosed is attach application form fill it and return it along with the information which you use in sending the money to me to enable me to proceed. Yours faithfully, BARR CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)  From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Follow my advice and let me know once you hear from him Sent: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 20:08:45 +0100 (CET) Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus, Thanks for your mails and I am advising you to comply with attorney CHINEDU ABEL as soon as you hear from him so that things can work out as we planned. I wait to read from you soon. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Answer back now Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 09:22:19 +0100 (CET) Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus, How are you and your family in the LORD today including your work? I do hope that this mail meets you in good health. Please let me know if you have heard from attorney Abel as I directed you. I wait to hear from you soon. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Let's not run before we can walk Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 09:55:39 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I'm in receipt of the email you sent me. Now then, it sounds as if you're champing at the bit over there, eager to jump on board the first plane leaving town to get started with this work. Well that's all well and good, but it strikes me that we're in danger here of trying to run before we're sure we can walk. Putting the cart before the damn horse. Pulling the chocks away before we've checked that the damn runway's long enough for take-off. Do you see? You're talking as if I've already agreed to take you on to work for me in this business. But if you go back to the email I sent you yesterday, you'll see that I haven't agreed any such thing as yet. I've yet to make my mind up on that. I asked you to do two things. One, to send me a quotation for what this damn business will cost me. Two, to send me details of your qualifications and experience, so that I can make my mind up as to whether or not you're a suitable man to do this work. You've done number one - your damn fees seem a little on the steep side, but much obliged all the same - but you haven't yet done number two. Before we go any further with this business, I'd appreciate it if you could do as I asked and send me details of your qualifications and experience. As soon as I receive it, I'll mull things over and make a decision as to whether I'm going to take on your services. Soon as you can, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. You said in your email that you were going to do things "within the armbit of the law". What the blazes is the "armbit of the law"? I'll thank you to use less of your damn legal jargon, and to put things in terms that I can understand in the future. We didn't all go to law school, do you hear? From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: Things are in hand, dear lady Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 10:25:27 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Don't you worry your pretty little head about a thing, dear lady. Things are in hand at this end. We're making progress. Chinudo's already told me how much this palaver's going to cost me - his fees are a bit bloody expensive, but that's lawyers for you - so all he's got to do now is to send me details of his qualifications and experience so that I can decide whether or not to hire him. He sounds like he's on the damn ball, so I'm hoping he'll get back to me today. Now then, as you're generously donating your money to the England for the English campaign, I wondered if you'd like to help us out by signing our latest petition? I've attached a copy of it to this email. We're hoping to get over a million signatures, and every damn signature counts, do you hear? This is really bloody important to me, my dear lady. These damn pasties are a blot on the English landscape, and we at the England for the English campaign are determined to do everything we can to get rid of them. We're going to be sending the completed petitions off to the Queen in a couple of weeks, so I'd appreciate it if you could show your support by signing the petition I've sent you and sending it back to me as soon as you can. Perhaps you could pass the petition around the hospital while you're at it and see if any of the doctors and nurses and the other patients want to sign it. The more signatures we get, the more likely the Queen is to take action, do you see? Get the petition back to me as soon as you can, there's a dear. Meanwhile I'll get things sorted out with this Chinudo fella. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)  From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Contact the attorney now with fees Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 12:50:32 +0100 (CET) Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus, Thank you very much for your email and let me inform you that I cannot sign anything on the petition because I don't have scanner which I will use in printing out the form meanwhile contact attorney CHINEDU ABEL now immediately you receive this email and make sure you send him the charges which is the needed fee so that he can start working towards the good JOB. I will be expecting your email today telling me that you have sent him the money. Your sister in Christ, Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: FROM BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL SAN Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 03:57:41 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I am in receipt of your mail and I am furious and disappointed in you as a person and for not appreciating the fact that I am a professional financial attorney and for the fact that I never ask for my legal charges before carrying out this duty does not mean that I am begging for your job or that I am a beggar as well. I accept to do this job without asking for a dime because of MRS KRISTIN GALLAHER and not because of you as if I am begging you money or asking you to assist me in taking care of my family. Do you realise that you are insulting me as a person and my profession? Attached here are my credentials for your perusal, security and understanding and comply immediately as you are dealing with the right attorney. Lastly, be informed that I was at the bank this pm and I was duly informed by the bank that they are only waiting for the anti-drug and terrorist certificate, power of attorney that will allow me to fully represent you to enable them to effect the immediate release of your approved funds. Keep me posted with your payment information as I wait diligently. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS    From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: What's your problem? Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 14:21:54 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Goats and monkeys man, what's your problem? I send you a perfectly reasonable request - one that I'm pleased to see you've complied with at last - and you go and throw your bloody toys out of the pram! I have to say, Chinudo, if you're going to carry on being as damn prickly as this, I'm not sure that I want to hire you as my lawyer. My own lawyer, Welsby, is always the quintessence of calm. You could do with taking a damn leaf out of his book if you ask me. Now then. Back to business. Thank you for sending me copies of your legal certificates. Damn impressive. As you seem to have been at the legal game for quite a few decades, I can only assume that you're pretty damn experienced at this kind of thing. With this in mind, I'm willing to take a chance and take you on as my lawyer for this bit of business. So Chinudo, it's time to go to work. Get back to me as soon as you've got your hands on those certificates, will you? I'll be waiting to hear from you. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Were you aware that your damn passport's out of date? Time to get hold of a new one if you ask me. From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: I've given Chinudo the go-ahead Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 15:42:08 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Damn shame that you don't reckon you'll be able to fill in that petition for me. Surely there must be a scanner of some sort in the hospital? I would have thought the doctors would need one to scan in copies of your medical notes... and copies of your death certificate when you finally pass on to the great aerodrome in the sky. Do me a favour, dear lady. Ask your doctor if he's got a scanner the next time he's dosing you up with morphine and giving you a bed bath. I reckon if you ask around, you'll find one somewhere. Anyway, back to business. You'll be pleased to hear that Chinudo sent me copies of some damn certificates as proof of his qualifications. Pretty bloody impressive stuff, I have to tell you. With that in mind, I've given him the go-ahead to get those damn certificates that we need for the money transfer to happen. And there's some more good news for you: Chinudo told me that he'd agreed to do the job "without asking for a dime". What a nice fella he is. I wonder why he agreed to do the work for nothing? Maybe he felt sorry for you because you're about to meet your maker. Well, whatever the reason, good for him. Damn good show and all that. I'll get back to you as soon as there's more news. You look after yourself now, won't you? We're not out of the woods yet... not that you'll be getting out of the woods at all if what your doctors have said is right, but there's nothing we can do about that. No use crying over damn spilt milk, eh? Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: SEND THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 07:56:07 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I am in receipt of your mail and I am still waiting for you to send the money so that I can proceed in proclaiming the needed certificates. I wait for your Western Union payment details in your next email for onward action. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: I don't understand Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 17:32:11 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I don't understand what you mean in your last email when you say that you're "still waiting for you (ie me) to send the money". In your previous email, you said (and I quote) that you'd agreed "to do this job without asking for a dime". And yet here you are, standing with your hand held out like this was some damn Red Cross aid drop or something. What the blazes is going on, Chinudo? First of all you say you'll do the job for nothing, then you turn around and demand money from me. This is no way for a lawyer to behave. Explain yourself man. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: READ MY MAILS CAREFULLY AND COMPLY BY SENDING THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 12:00:33 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I am in receipt of your mail and I am furious and disappointed in you as a person who cannot understand simple English. Listen and listen carefully what I mean by not asking for my legal charges before carrying out this duty is my effort done that is what I mean by legal charges? I accept to do this job without asking for my effort done is because of MRS KRISTIN GALLAHER and not because of you as if I am begging you money or asking you to assist me in taking care of my family. So in this regards I urge you to comply immediately by paying the anti-terrorist and money laundering certificate that will cost $2,320 and to obtain a power of attorney that will allow me to fully represent you is $1,275 and my airfare/welfare to the Central Bank's annex in Abuja will be $370 so I am up and ready for your services totalling $3,965. Send the money with the below information through Western Union money transfer for onward action and you must understand that without the needed $3,965 we cannot proceed in proclaiming the money from the paying bank so you are advised to act fast. Receiver's name: Chuka Ngenede Security question: Chinedu Answer: Abel Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria Keep me posted with your payment information as I wait diligently. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Send him the money now and let me know once you send it Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 07:46:49 +0100 (CET) Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus, Good morning to you and your family in the LORD? I received your email this morning and also from BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL and I was meant to understand through email this morning that you are to pay for the certificate which he is going to get for us please contact him immediately you receive this email like he said with the needed money so he can get things done today and keep me updated as soon as you send him the money. I wait to hear from you telling me that you have sent the money. Mrs Kristin Gallaher From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Don't be so bloody rude, man Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 10:24:46 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. How dare you talk to a potential client in such an insolent manner? Where the blazes do you get off, telling me that I can't understand simple English? Has nobody ever taught you that you ought to address your elders and betters with a bit of bloody respect? Don't be so damn rude, man. If there's anything "simple" around here it's not me, I can tell you that for nothing. Now listen here, Chinudo, I still don't understand what you're playing at here. First of all you agree to do the job for nothing, then you change your damn mind and start demanding money from me. And now... "I never ask for my legal charges before carrying out this duty"... that's what you told me yesterday. And yet here you are, contradicting yourself by demanding money from me upfront before you've actually done any bloody work. You're not making any sense, man. Can't you see that? It was you who brought up the subject of beggars, Chinudo. Well I'd appreciate it if you could stop acting like one and start acting like a damn lawyer. I've never had problems like this with my own lawyer, Welsby. I'll tell you something Chinudo, you need to do more than take a page out of his book. It seems to me like you could do with a whole bloody chapter. Now kindly carry out the work I've asked you to do, and let's have no more of this inane whining. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: READ MY MAILS CAREFULLY AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 05:44:43 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and I want you to understand that those certificates has to be procure from the High Court on Nigeria so be informed. I also want you to be aware that without the needed funds I cannot proceed further in proclaiming the demanded certificates by the paying bank as doing so will be like kicking around the bush whereby at the end of the day nothing will come out of it. Mr Gilbert Murray comply today by sending the money across to my office immediately you receive this email for onward action. I will be expecting your Western Union details for onward crediting of your bank account. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: I don't understand Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 15:10:15 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Look here, it's all very well you telling me to read your damn emails carefully. I've read them as carefully as I possibly can, again and again, and I'm still none the wiser about what the devil's going on. You're making about as much sense as a Welshman in full flow. You obviously think you're expressing yourself in plain and simple English. Well no offence meant, Chinudo, but take it from me that you're not. I don't know if it's down to the fact that you're a foreigner or down to the fact that you're a damn lawyer - I know how you lawyers like to use impenetrable legal jargon to make yourselves feel superior to ordinary people like me - but the plain fact of the damn matter is that you're not making yourself understood, do you hear? Here's what I don't understand:
Can't you see that you're contradicting yourself, man? Christ on a bike, your standpoint has had so many damn twists and turns over the past few days that it's making me feel dizzy. It's almost as if you've been drinking. Here's what I suggest you do, Chinudo: first of all, put down the damn bottle. Then, get your wits about you - a good strong black coffee might come in handy here - and write me an email in PLAIN AND SIMPLE English, explaining these damn contradications and telling me exactly what we need to do in order to move forward. And let's have none of that bloody legal jargon you seem so damn fond of using, like "the armbit of the law". Write to me in plain and simple English for once so I can understand you, there's a good man. And snap to it, Chinudo. You seem to have forgotten that Mrs Gallaher isn't a well woman, so there's no time to waste. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. If you still find it difficult to make yourself understood, is there anyone else in your chambers with a better grasp of English? From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: I'm not very impressed with this Chinudo chappie Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 17:31:29 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Trust that you're still managing to keep one step ahead of the grim reaper. Ask not for whom the damn bell tolls and all that. I have to say, my dear lady, I'm not getting very far with this Chinudo chappie. Damn fella keeps on contradicting himself: he tells me one thing in one email, and another in the next. I can't work out if the fella's confused, stupid, or drunk. Or maybe all three. His atrocious command of the English language doesn't help matters either. Watching him trying to explain himself in English is like watching an ineffective escapologist who works on his own: all the man does is tie himself in knots. On top of that, he's one of the rudest damn people I've ever come across in my life. The damn fella accused me of not being able to understand simple English. It's no way for a lawyer to behave, I can tell you that for nothing. We knew how to deal with people like that back in the RAF. Oh yes. If we were both back in the RAF I'd have Chinudo up on a charge of insubordination before he could say "the armbit of the law". Feet wouldn't touch and all that. Anyway, this isn't getting us anywhere. Are there any other lawyers we can use? Preferably one who has a better command of the English language. Or can I not persuade you to give Welsby a try? His English is second to none, he doesn't drink, and as far as I know, he's never been rude in his life. This is damn frustrating, dear lady. We need to do something. What do you recommend? Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Get back to me immediately Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 11:19:38 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Why the blazes haven't you responded to my last email yet? What's the reason for this damn delay? There's work to be done here Chinudo, and we're not going to achieve anything if all you're doing is rocking back in your wicker chair, flicking paperclips into your spittoon and fantasising about the contents of your secretary's undergarments. I've been extremely disappointed in your performance on this job so far, so you've got a lot of ground to make up. Get back to me immediately so that we can make some damn progress. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: SEND THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY FOR ONWARD ACTION Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:03:20 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray, I have your mails and be informed that I cannot do anything unless I received the needed funds which is $3,965 before I can proceed forward with this JOB. Send the money immediately you receive this email for onward action. I wait to have your Western Union details in your next email for onward crediting of your account in United Kingdom. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Professor Charles C Soludo To: Gilbert Murray Subject: TRANSFER UPDATE AS OF TODAY Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:08:46 +0000 (GMT) FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) Attention: Gilbert Murray Sir, Your silence in this matter may be assumed as your unwillingness to continue, if you are still interested in the transfer of the fund, respond to this mail with the certificates to enable this office to sign off your payment voucher. Yours respectfully, Professor Charles C Soludo EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) From: Gilbert Murray To: Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: Hold your damn horses, man Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:54:14 Soduko, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Hold your damn horses, man. My "silence in this matter" may bloody well NOT be assumed as my "unwillingness to continue". The reason I haven't been able to get back to you before now is that the lawyer Mrs Gallaher put me in touch with - that Chinudo fella - has turned out to be about as much use as a chocolate toasting fork. The damn fella's been sending me confusing, contradictory emails all bloody week, and I'm still none the wiser about what I need to do in order to get him to shift his lazy backside and get to work. I have to tell you, Soduko, Chinudo's command of the English language isn't helping matters. His English is more ropy than a damn lasso convention. Reading his emails reminds me of the stuff that my son Gilbert Jnr used to produce when he was about six years old. Anyway, I'm determined to get this sorted out, so just you hang fire Soduko. I'm away for the weekend, but come next week I'll get right onto this damn business and get it sorted out once and for all. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Let's get on with this damn business Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 09:21:47 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I've spent the weekend going back over the emails you've sent me. Now then, even though you've kept on contradicting yourself and you still haven't managed to explain yourself fully to my satisfaction, one fact that I have managed to glean from your poorly-worded emails is that you need a bit of money off me before we can go any further. Now let me make it plain to you, Chinudo. I'm still not happy with the performance you've put into this matter so far. However, I'm being hassled by that Soduko chappie at the bank, so for the sake of poor old Mrs Gallaher and to get the damn bank off my back, I'm prepared to put your past failings behind me and to do whatever it takes to move forward with this damn transaction. So, I need to send you $3,965, do I? That's over 2,000 in real money. Sounds rather a lot for the little bit of work I'm asking you to do, but then I know what you bloody lawyers are like. Add a bit to the bill here, bump up your expenses there... I'm a man of the world, do you see? I know what goes on behind closed doors. Not much gets past old Wing Commander Gilbert Murray. Anyway, given the large amount of money that poor old Mrs Gallaher is donating to the England for the English campaign, I'm willing to overlook your no doubt dubious accounting practices. I'll be able to recoup my expenses from the money she's donating, do you see? But in return, I'll be expecting you to pull your damn socks up and to improve your damn performance, do you hear? I expect to start getting some first class bloody service off you for that amount of money Chinudo, and don't you forget it. So Chinudo, what's the best way to get this damn money to you? Shall I make out a personal cheque to you and pop it in the post? Will that do you? Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: SEND THE MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER NETWORK FOR ONWARD ACTION Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 07:37:16 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and I want you to send the money through Western Union money transfer network with my secretary information below this email. Receiver's name: Chuka Ngenede Security question: Chinedu Answer: Abel Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria Send the money immediately you receive this email and scan and send to me your payment slip to enable my secretary to pick up the money immediately. Send the money today through Western Union money transfer immediately including your full mailing contact address where I can direct the documents as well. Keep updated with your transfer slip to enable me to proceed in proclaiming the needed documents from the high court first thing tomorrow morning. I expect your Western Union details in your next email for onward crediting of your bank account in United Kingdom. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: What's all this about "Western Union"? Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 16:05:15 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for the email. Am I right in understanding that you don't want me to send you a personal cheque for the fees you want? Why the blazes not, Chinudo? Aren't my damn cheques good enough for you? It's not going to bloody well bounce, for God's sake man. To tell the truth, I've never heard of these bloody "Western Union" johnnies before. I've always placed my financial affairs in the hands of Bartletts, and I've never had reason to complain. Damn fine bankers, they are. I'd recommend them to anyone. "Western Union"... it's nothing to do with trades unions, is it Chinudo? Not sure I approve of them. Reds under the damn bed and all that. I'm alright Jack. Right lads, all out. Red Robbo. If you ask me Chinudo, it's all a damn Cornish plot. They still haven't forgiven us for the closure of their bloody tin mines, do you see? Anyway, how do I go about transferring the money by "Western Union", eh Chinudo? Can you give me any pointers? While you're at it, who the hell is this "Chucka Ngrenade" fella? Is he one of your lot? Another lawyer, is that it? Ah, I see that the sun's over the damn yardarm. About time too. Thirsty work, this international finance business. Get back to me as soon as you can, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: GO THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE IN YOUR COUNTRY SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE PAYMENT Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 11:05:47 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and you will find below in this email the Western Union money transfer network in your country. Find your location through the website below in this mail so that you can go their office and make the payment. http://www.westernunion.com/info/selectCountry.asp Use the name of my secretary in the office to send the money immediately you receive this email and remember to scan and send to me your transfer slip. I wait to have your payment information in your next email for onward action. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Bit of a problem Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 12:22:11 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but there was a bit of excitement in the village this morning. Padraig McClusky, one of the chappies from the England for the English campaign, called round to tell me that a Cornish couple had arrived in the village yesterday and had booked themselves into the local hotel for a couple of nights. Well Chinudo, we can't be having their types in the village. No sir, not on your damn life. You've got to nip stuff like this in the damn bud: if we allowed one Cornish couple to stay in the village, before too long we'd be overrun by the buggers. There was no time to waste, Chinudo; instant action was called for. McClusky and I got straight to work assembling a small mob, then we went to the hotel and drove the blighters out of the village. They won't be back in a hurry, I can tell you, and hopefully they'll take home the message that their sort are not welcome in Gypping in the Marsh. I don't mind telling you that McClusky excelled himself, Chinudo. Given the limited amount of time we had to sort things out, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that he'd managed to organise some tar and feathers. We didn't need them in the end; the pitchforks and burning brands were all the persuasion they needed. Damn shame really. We haven't had a good tarring and feathering in the village for a few months now. Now then, to business. I've had a look at that website you pointed me towards. Damn useful. Much obliged and all that. However. Bit of a problem. According to the website, there isn't a Western Union agent anywhere near here. Gypping in the Marsh is a bit remote, do you see? Off the beaten track and all that. According to that damn website, the nearest agent is over thirty bloody miles away. Well Chinudo, I'm a busy and important man, and I can't be wasting my time going on a sixty mile round bloody trip just to transfer some damn money to you. I've got a lot of important England for the English business to sort out over the next few days. But nil desperandum Chinudo, my old mucker. I've just been chatting to the local baker, and he reckons that the local post office does something called "MoneyGram", which he says is pretty much identical to Western Union. That'd be much more convenient for me, Chinudo. So Chinudo, what do you reckon? Would it be OK if I sent the money to that Ngrenade fella via MoneyGram instead of Western Union? Let me know as soon as you can, there's a good chap. Time's moving on, and time and tide wait for no man, Chinudo. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Your secretary's got a damn strange name. Sounds more like an instruction to a soldier than a damn legal secretary's name. Expect if the man was in the RAF he'd be called "Dropa Nbomb" and if he was in the Navy he'd be called "Firea Ntorpedo". Bit of military humour there, Chinudo. No offence meant to your secretary chappie. Not his fault he's got a damn silly name. I blame the parents. From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: ADVICE/ACT FAST Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 05:02:22 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and you are advised to go ahead to the MoneyGram office and make the payment with the below information: Receiver's name: Chuka Ngenede Security question: Chinedu Answer: Abel Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria Make sure you use the above correct name to avoid mistakes, scan and send me your transfer slip for onward action. As I wait to have your MoneyGram control number in your next email. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: MoneyGram it is then Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 14:02:33 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Glad to hear that sending the money via MoneyGram won't present you with any problems. I'm tied up with England for the English business this afternoon - I'm writing a damn speech for a rally we're holding next week - but I'll sort out this money transfer first thing in the morning. I'll get back to you tomorrow as soon as I've transferred the money to that Ngrenade fella. Hopefully you'll then be able to get the damn ball rolling at your end. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I AWAIT FOR THE SCANNED PAYMENT SLIP Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 06:22:21 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and hereby resend you the name which you will use in sending the money to avoid mistakes in the spellings. Receiver's name: Chuka Ngenede Security question: Chinedu Answer: Abel Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria Once again I repeat scan and send me your transfer slip along with the control number to enable me to proceed further tomorrow morning. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: No need to worry, man Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 14:52:48 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. No need to worry about any mistakes, man. Mistakes and me go together just about as well as a horse and marriage, so don't you worry your little head about it. I'll get back to you in the morning as soon as I've transferred that damn money to Ngrenade. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. No need to keep on sending me every bloody email twice. I'm not stupid, you know. From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: I've transferred the money to your secretary Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 09:21:55 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. A quick note to let you know that I've transferred the damn money to your secretary. I got to the bank as soon as it opened this morning, withdrew the $3,965, then went straight to the post office and made the transfer. I'll tell you something Chinudo, it's not exactly a cheap way of transferring money from one place to another, this MoneyGram malarky. I had to pay $247 for the privilege of sending the money to your damn secretary. I hope you realise that's a lot of money to a retired person like me, Chinudo. I'm going to have to scale down next month's gin order now. Damn poor show. Now then, the postmistress told me that your secretary would need the following information in order to be able to pick up the money at your end:
All the rest of the information is exactly like you told me. The postmistress gave me a receipt for the transfer, but I've not been able to scan it in; my damn scanner's broken, do you see? But that shouldn't be a problem. The postmistress told me that your man doesn't actually need it to pick up the money. Oh, you might like to tell your man to take along some ID when he goes to pick up the cash. The postmistress wasn't sure if he'd need to show any or not, but better to be safe than sorry, eh Chinudo? So, send your man down to your nearest MoneyGram agent as soon as you can, and let's get to work on this damn transaction at last. Get back to me as soon as the money's safe in your hands, there's a good chap. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher Subject: I've transferred money to Chinudo Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 09:24:17 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Good news, dear lady: I've transferred that money to Chinudo. His secretary should be picking it up today. Now hopefully he can get off his backside and start doing some work at last. How are you, my dear? I've not heard from you for a while. I hope you're not dead yet. That'd be a damn shame. Try to hang onto life for a little bit longer, won't you? At least until this damn money's been transferred. Do get back to me and let me know how you are. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: LOOK FOR WHERE TO SCAN THE PAYMENT INFORMATION FOR ONWARD ACTION Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 01:54:04 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and the payment information, I hereby advise you to scan and send to me your transfer slip which is the receipt for more confirmation to enable my secretary to pick up the money from the MoneyGram office here. I wait for the scanned payment slip. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Did you not read my last bloody email? Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 10:05:22 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Did you not read my last bloody email? I've already told you that my damn scanner's broken and that the postmistress told me that your secretary doesn't need a copy of the receipt to pick up the money anyway. Try reading my emails more carefully from now on, Chinudo. It'd save us all a bit of time and bother. I've sent you all the information you need. Send your man to pick up the damn money and get back to me when it's safely in your possession. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Has Ngrenade picked up the damn money yet? Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 13:21:04 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What's going on at your end, man? Has Ngrenade picked up the damn money yet? Assuming that he has, how long do you think it'll take you to get hold of those damn certificates we need? Get back to me as soon as you can, there's a good fella. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I AM UNABLE TO CONFIRM YOUR PAYMENT/SCAN THE PAYMENT SLIP NOW Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 06:01:02 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mails and for more clarification be informed that the MoneyGram office here is unable to confirm your payment due to one problem or other. Sir, you are only advised to scan and send me your transfer slip to enable the MoneyGram office to confirm your payment. I am waiting for the scanned payment slip in your next email for onward action. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: I've managed to find someone with a digital camera Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 15:42:54 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What do you mean, "the MoneyGram office here is unable to confirm your payment due to one problem or other"? What problem, for God's sake? I handed over a hell of a lot of money to MoneyGram this morning. They'd better not have lost it. That wouldn't do at all, do you hear? Anyway, I've been doing a bit of scouting around since this morning, and as luck would have it I've managed to borrow a digital camera, so I've taken a photo of the MoneyGram receipt. I've attached it to this email. Now then Chinudo. I suggest you print it out, hand it to Ngrenade and get him to go straight back to the MoneyGram office pronto to sort out the problem. Quick as you can, Chinudo. I don't like the idea of my money hanging around in the bloody ether for any longer than it damn well has to. Get back to me as soon as Ngrenade's managed to sort out the problem. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)  From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: What's going on at your end? Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 09:02:26 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What the blazes is going on at your end? Has Ngrenade picked up my damn money yet? There's work to be done here Chinudo. This is no time to be sitting on your corpulent backside. Get back to me at once and let me know what the damn situation is. At once, I say, do you hear? Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: YOUR URGENT ATTENTION IS HIGHLY REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 02:56:22 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, In respect of your mail and for your urgent attention sir, be informed that my secretary was still unable to confirm your payment from the MoneyGram head office here in Nigeria due to some reason. He was informed that your payment does not reflect to the MoneyGram paying system and I advise you to find any Western Union money network around you and send the money today because of the essence of time so as to avoid the presidency cancelling our payment due to delay. You can make the payment by using Western Union online store if their office is far from your city. Act immediately for our mutual benefits. I am waiting for your urgent response with the Western Union payment slip. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: What's the damn problem? Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 11:23:46 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What's the damn problem? What the hell are you and Ngrenade playing at over there? Did Ngrenade take the receipt I sent you to the MoneyGram office with him? Why the blazes didn't he pick up the damn money? I'll tell you something Chinudo, I'm not happy about this. Not happy at all. If what you tell me is right, it sounds as if my money's stuck in the bloody system somewhere. That won't do at all. Listen Chinudo, I'm a busy man, so before I bother myself travelling all the way to the nearest bloody Western Union office, do me a favour and tell me exactly what happened when Ngrenade visited the MoneyGram office. I want to see if I can get to the bottom of this damn problem. Get back to me by return, there's a good fella. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: THEY CANNOT FIND ANY MONEY ON THEIR SYSTEM/COMPLY BY GOING TO WESTERN UNION Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 06:25:13 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and for more clarification in this matter, be informed that the office of MoneyGram here in Nigeria confirm the receipt you sent to me and also go through their system they couldn't find any money. Sir, you are to go back to the office you made the payment in UK and collect your money back and you are only advised to travel to any of Western Union money transfer network office in your country to make the payment immediately to avoid more delay. Below is the information once again: Receiver's name: Chuka Ngenede Security question: Chinedu Answer: Abel Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria Scan and send to me your Western Union transfer slip for onward action. I wait for your Western Union money transfer payment slip in your next email. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: This is infuriating Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 15:08:03 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. This is infuriating, Chinudo. Damn infuriating, do you hear? Sorry to hear that you and Ngrenade have been having problems over there. At first I naturally assumed that the problems you were facing were as a result of your own damn incompetence, but from what you've been telling me, it sounds as if it's all MoneyGram's fault. Well, you live and learn. Anyway, I'm heading off to the post office right away to cancel that damn transfer I made yesterday. Don't you worry Chinudo, I'll get to the bottom of this. I'll get back to you once I've sorted everything out. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Problem solved Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 16:10:55 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Good news, Chinudo. I've sorted out the problem. And what's more, I didn't have to travel sixty bloody miles to transfer the money via Western Union. I went back to the post office this afternoon and I explained to the postmistress that you and Ngrenade were having problems getting your hands on the money I'd transferred to you. Well, the postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the middle of upgrading their damn computer hardware. This has apparently resulted in what she called "internet connectivity" problems. I'm not entirely sure what the hell that means, but apparently mine isn't the only damn transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. Apparently these problems meant that although my transfer was in the system, it wasn't showing up on your local agent's computer system. Damn poor show if you ask me, Chinudo. But not to worry; it turns out that this isn't a problem. Apparently there's a simple solution. The postmistress told me exactly what your local agent needed to do to access details of the transfer and gain access to the money. Apparently your agent just needed to initiate procedure MG-RV8 on their computer system, entering the reference number of the transfer that I gave to you. This procedure apparently gives the agent access to all transfers that have got "stuck" in the system. The postmistress was damn surprised that your local agent hadn't done this already: apparently it's standard bloody procedure for MoneyGram agents when things like this happen. She even showed me the procedure in her MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. She said to me that if your local agent hasn't heard of procedure MG-RV8, they probably don't know their damn job very well. She suggested that your local agent probably needs some bloody on the job training. Anyway, the postmistress assured me that if you and Ngrenade went back to your local MoneyGram agent and told him to initiate procedure MG-RV8, you'd be able to pick up the money instantly. Well Chinudo, that's all well and good, but seeing as we've had problems already with the transfer I made yesterday, I insisted that the postmistress cancelled that damn transfer and made another one. So that's what she did. So Chinudo, here's where we stand. I've cancelled the original transfer and made a new one. I've attached a copy of the new receipt to this email. All you need to do now is to get Ngrenade to go back to the MoneyGram agent with this new receipt and pick up the money. Might be best if you go with him, what with you being a damn barrister and all that. And if the MoneyGram agent tells you that he still can't see the money, just tell him to initiate procedure MG-RV8. If I was you, I'd also tell the useless bugger to learn how to do his bloody job a bit better. His lack of knowledge about MoneyGram's procedures has wasted your time, Chinudo. And more importantly, it's wasted mine too. Get back to me as soon as you and Ngrenade have collected the damn money. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)  From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU/WHY YOU CANNOT LISTEN? Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 00:07:30 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mails and the scanned payment slip which turns to be come a wrong one this morning because I went to the MoneyGram office this morning to find out all about this problem and I was told by the MoneyGram office here in Nigeria that they cannot find any money on with the information you sent me. Sir, I am totally disappointed in you because I told you to go the nearest Western Union money transfer network in your country to make the payment which you never did. WHY? Sir, I want you to go back to the MoneyGram office in your country where you made the payment. Ask them to return your money back so that you can go direct to the Western Union money transfer and make the payment of the $3,965 for onward action. Scan and send me your Western Union money transfer slip for more confirmation as I wait for the real information not wrong information. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: What the bloody hell are you and Ngrenade playing at? Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 09:21:39 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What the bloody hell are you and Ngrenade playing at over there? I've transferred money to you twice in the past few days and on both occasions you've completely failed to collect it. What is wrong with you, man? I'm trying to conduct an important business transaction here, but I'm being frustrated at every damn turn by you and that other clown Ngrenade. What is your problem, Chinudo? How difficult can it possibly be to collect money from a damn MoneyGram agent? Did you tell the MoneyGram agent to carry out procedure MG-RV8 like I told you to do? You can't have done: if you had done, you'd have my money in your hands by now. And what the hell do you mean, telling me that the payment slip I sent you was "a wrong one"? What the hell is "wrong" about it? All I've done is send you the receipts that I was given by the postmistress. If anything's "wrong" around here Chinudo, it's the way you and Ngrenade are managing to foul up this transaction. Listen here, Chinudo. I've already told you that my nearest Western Union office is a sixty mile round trip away. I'm far too busy and important to waste my time travelling all that way just because you and Ngrenade are too bloody useless to conduct a simple MoneyGram transfer. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go back to the post office, I'm going to cancel the second transfer I made, then I'm going to go to the bank to see if they can suggest a better way of getting the damn money to you. Preferably one that you and Ngrenade won't be able to cock up. As for you, I'd thank you to stop blaming me for your own inadequacies. For God's sake, stop whining like a spoiled little kiddie who's just soiled his damn pants, and start taking responsibility for your own damn cock-ups. I'll tell you this for nothing, Chinudo. All this damn carry on is doing nothing for my damn blood pressure. Now then, I'll get back to you when I get back from the bank. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: CONTACT YOUR WESTERN UNION OFFICE IN YOUR COUNTRY NOW Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:36:16 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and I am advising you to comply immediately by sending the money through the Western Union money transfer network for onward action. Contact your Western Union money transfer office in your country so that we can conclude this project today and have our money transferred into your bank account in United Kingdom. Keep me informed with your Western Union money transfer slip. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: I've transferred the money via Western Union Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 10:52:28 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. You'll be glad to hear that I've calmed down a bit now. I have to admit that it made my damn blood boil, reading earlier about how you and Ngrenade had managed to mess things up yet again. Anyway, that's all behind us now. I'm writing with good news. I went to the post office this morning and cancelled the MoneyGram transaction - the postmistress was at a loss to explain why you and Ngrenade hadn't managed to pick up the money - and then I went straight to my bank to see if they could suggest anything. Well, I explained the situation to my bank manager, Nat West. He's a damn fine chap - you'd like him, Chinudo - and he came up with the perfect bloody solution. I've told you that my nearest Western Union agent is thirty miles away. But that doesn't matter, because apparently my bank has got into bed with those Western Union johnnies. I didn't realise it before, but it turns out that I can transfer money via Western Union directly out of my damn bank account, using Western Union's new Consolidated Universal National Transfer System. This is good news all round, Chinudo. I didn't have to travel sixty miles make the damn transfer, and you can collect the money from your nearest Western Union agent, just like you wanted. More good news: I took my scanner apart last night and gave it a damn good clean. I managed to get all the damn offal out of its innards and I managed to get it working. So I've managed to scan in the Western Union receipt that I got from the bank. Now then. As well as having to show some form of damn identification, Ngrenade will also have to answer a test question. To make things as easy as possible for you - and God knows I need to - they're the same ones I used when I transferred the money via MoneyGram. Right Chinudo. Snap to it. Get back to me as soon as you've collected the money. And let's have no more bloody cock-ups from your end, do you hear? Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)  From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: YOU ARE JOKING WITH ME Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 06:25:13 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and I want you to understand that the Western Union head office here in Nigeria cannot confirm your payment and I also want you to know that the payment slip you sent to me is not a Western Union payment slip so be informed. Send me your direct telephone number where I can contact you and you are also advised to confirm with me your real Western Union transfer slip. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: What the devil are you on about man? Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 14:45:03 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I've just read your astonishing email. Actually, seeing as you sent the damn thing to me twice, I've just read it twice. I have to say Chinudo, even after reading your email twice I'm still at a loss to understand what the devil you're on about. How dare you accuse me of "joking" with you? Have you been drinking? I've told you before, I'm a busy and important man, and I've got far better things to do with my time than to waste it "joking" around with asinine advocates like you. I'm trying to conduct a serious business transaction here, Chinudo. One worth millions of dollars. You might think that this is some kind of game, but it's no damn joke to me, I can assure you. And what the hell are you on about, telling me that the Western Union receipt I sent you "is not a Western Union payment slip"? Well what the hell else do you think it is? My bank manager told me that this Consolidated Universal National Transfer System farrago was quite new. I suppose it's possible that it's not been implemented yet in your neck of the woods. Expect you're not the first to get these new damn technologies over there. Maybe that's the problem... I don't bloody know. Listen Chinudo, this is the third time I've transferred money to you and Ngrenade, and this is the third time you've completely failed to collect the damn money. I'm at a loss as to what to do next. There must be some way of getting the money to you that you and Ngrenade can't cock up. You know your own limitations. Have you any suggestions? This is getting tedious, Chinudo. Get back to me with a concrete suggestion by return before I get sick of this entire bloody caper and start looking for a lawyer who doesn't act as if he was dropped on the damn head as a child. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: THIS IS NOT A WESTERN UNION PAYMENT SLIP OK Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 10:19:17 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail and you are advised to comply by visiting the Western Union office and pay the charges as demanded. Send to me your telephone number where I can call you for more information and make sure you send to me the full Western Union payment slip for onward action. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: I'll sort things out Chinudo Sent: Sat, 21 Jan 2006 08:41:44 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I'm still bloody mystified about what the hell is going on here and why your local Western Union johnnies are telling you that the receipt I sent you isn't a Western Union receipt. I'm telling you Chinudo, Bartletts have a faultless reputation and they've never let me down in all the years I've been banking with them. I can only assume that the Consolidated Universal National Transfer System is too new to have reached your neck of the woods. Are things a bit backwards where you are? Well it's either that or your Western Union agent doesn't know how to do his bloody job. Anyway, once again I see that you're leaving it up to me to sort things out. I suppose if I want old Mrs Gallaher's money to be transferred into my bank account, I've got no damn choice. So here's what I'll do. Come Monday morning I'll go back to the bank and cancel that Consolidated Universal National Transfer System transfer I made to you. I'll then get the Morris Marina out of the garage, don the old driving gloves and set off for my nearest Western Union office so that I can make a traditional Western Union transfer. How's that for you? Do you reckon you and Ngrenade will be able to cope with a standard Western Union transfer without messing things up? Eh, Chinudo? I'll get back to you on Monday when I get back from the Western Union office. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: URGENT ATTENTION Sent: Sun, 22 Jan 2006 23:20:24 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mail this morning and I want you to make sure that you confirm your real payment information before writing me this morning because I wouldn't be able to reply to your mails because I have a lot of job to attend to today. Confirm your real payment information and stop joking with me. I wait to have your Western Union details. Yours faithfully, BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN) EQUITY CHAMBERS From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Western Union receipt attached Sent: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 15:16:47 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I've just got back from a long drive to my nearest Western Union agent, where I transferred that damn money to you via a standard Western Union transfer. I've scanned in the damn receipt and attached it to this email. All the details you and Ngrenade need to collect the damn money are on the receipt, apart from the test question and answer, which are as follows: Test question: No more what? Answer: Cock-ups I have to tell you, Chinudo, I've been extremely unimpressed with your performance so far in this damn transaction. I wasted a lot of time last week thanks to you, making new transfers and cancelling old ones, and all because you and Ngrenade were incapable for some reason of carrying out the simple act of picking up my damn money. I've very nearly had enough of this Chinudo, do you hear? If anyone's been "joking" around here, it's been you and Ngrenade as far as I can see. Now then, I expect to start seeing some real action out of you this week. So, I'd be grateful if you and Ngrenade could stop acting like a pair of damn kiddies playing in a sandpit and start acting like the pair of professionals which you claim to be. Let's see some bloody proof of it for once, eh Chinudo? Now then. Start as you mean to go on. You and Ngrenade scurry off to your local Western Union agent at once and get back to me as soon as the damn money's in your hands. And look sharp about it, man. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) PS. Remember, Chinudo: NO MORE BLOODY COCK-UPS, do you hear?  From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Have you collected the damn money yet? Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 10:17:21 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Well, how are things going over there? Have you collected the damn money yet? I went to a lot of trouble yesterday to transfer that money to you. The least you can do is to get back to me and let me know what the situation is, do you hear? Poor old Mrs Gallaher must be going spare, worrying over this damn transaction. And that won't be doing her any good, will it? I mean the old bird's dying already. The last thing she needs is you and Ngrenade fouling things up and giving her even more to worry about. Get back to me at once, Chinudo, and give me an update on the damn situation. Try to get back to me before lunchtime, there's a good fella. Quite apart from the fact that there's probably a better chance of catching you sober if you get back to me in the morning, I'll be busy this afternoon. I'm visiting a friend's club, do you see? This Turkish chappie I know is a member and he's signing me in as a guest. I'm thinking of joining myself - it'll be somewhere to get away from the damn wife for a few hours - and I want to check out the facilities. Make sure they're all shipshape and Bristol fashion. Make sure there are no Cornish members, that sort of thing. Actually, thinking about it Chinudo, you've been wanting to call me. Well my damn telephone's still out of order, but if you wanted to give me a ring and chat about this damn transaction, you could probably get hold of me at the club this afternoon. Let me know if you think you think you'll be needing to call me, and I'll get the number off my Turkish friend. Get back to me as soon as you can. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: YOU ARE NOT A SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN/DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 02:49:23 -0800 (PST) Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray Sir, I have your mails and I want to let you know that the Western Union head office here in Nigeria informed me that you did not make any payment with the information which you provided me with. WHY? WHY are you playing a game? I am not happy with you and do not contact me again because this is my last email to you. I have told you to send me your direct telephone number where I can contact but you refuse. WHY? Do not contact me again? From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Call me: we need to sort this out Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 11:06:52 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I'm speechless, Chinudo. I could barely believe my eyes when I read your damn email. What the bloody hell are you and Ngrenade playing at over there? I travelled sixty bloody miles yesterday to transfer that money to you, and now you're telling me that you can't get your hands on it for some reason. What the blazes is going on over there? What is wrong with you, man? Can't you do anything right? I did have one thought. The Western Union agent told me that Ngrenade would have to show some form of ID when he went to pick up the money. If his passport is out of date - like your is - maybe that's the reason why your Western Union agent won't hand over the damn money. While we're on the subject, have you applied for a new passport yet Chinudo? Damn shoddy, letting it expire like that if you ask me. Anyway, we need to sort out this damn mess that you've left us in, and I reckon the only way to do this is for us to talk, man to man. Like I said, my own phone is still out of order - damn that telephone company - but I'll be at my Turkish friend's club this afternoon, so you could call me there. What do you say, Chinudo? I can't see any other way of digging ourselves out of this damn hole you've dropped us into. Let me know if you're free to give me a call this afternoon and I'll get hold of the club's telephone number and send it on to you. Get back to me at once, man. At once, I say. Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Chinedu Abel To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I NEED THE NUMBER NOW Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 04:22:32 -0800 (PST) I need the number now. From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Call me in an hour at the club Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 13:31:48 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I've been in touch with Youssouk Maddic, that Turkish fella I was telling you about who's taking me as a guest to his club this afternoon. According to Maddic, the number of the damn club, Kandy's, is xxxx xxxxxx. I'll be there in an hour from now. Call me then and let's sort out this damn thing once and for all. By the way, as I'm only a guest at the club this afternoon, Maddic reckons that the receptionist, Miss Hoare, won't know who I am if you ask for me. So ask Miss Hoare for my friend Youssouk Maddic when you call. She'll put you through to Maddic, and he'll put you onto me. Looking forward to talking to you at last, Chinudo. Let's hope you acquit yourself better on the damn telephone than you do over email. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) The telephone number is that of a rather dubious-sounding "gentlemen's club"... From: Gilbert Murray To: Chinedu Abel Subject: Call me at once, God damn it Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 15:49:55 Chinudo, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Why the hell haven't you called me yet, for God's sake? I've been waiting here in the club for your call for ages now: you were supposed to call me an hour ago. Maddic told Miss Hoare to expect a call for him as soon as we arrived, and she's been looking out for your damn call ever since. But according to Miss Hoare, nobody's called and asked for Maddic all afternoon. She did say that she got a call a bit earlier from some sleazy-sounding foreign type who slurred his words and sounded as if he'd been at the damn bottle all day. That wasn't you, was it Chinudo? Miss Hoare told me that she'd found it damn difficult to understand this foreign chappie, but that he'd propositioned her in a most offensive manner. Was that you, Chinudo? Have you been drinking again, man? For God's sake Chinudo, we need to get this damn business sorted out once and for all. I'll give you one last chance. Put down the bottle and call me here at the club immediately, or I'm taking my damn business elsewhere. And mind not to offend Miss Hoare this time. She was damn shaken by that last phone call she had. If that was you, you should be ashamed of yourself Chinudo, do you hear? Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) From: Gilbert Murray To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher; Cc: Chinedu Abel; Professor Charles C Soludo Subject: I've given up on this whole damn business Sent: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 09:24:14 Dear Mrs Gallaher, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Sorry old girl, but I'm writing to tell you that I'm giving up on this whole damn business. Sorry if this leaves you in the lurch and all that, but I feel as if I've got no bloody choice in the matter. It's that damn fool lawyer Chinudo that you put me in touch with, do you see? The man's a complete bloody imbecile. We've made absolutely no bloody progress at all in the time I've been dealing with him. The man's incapable of carrying out the simplest act without having his bloody hand held all the way through. It's been like dealing with a damn kiddie. I'm surprised the man's a lawyer at all, to be perfectly honest. I'd always thought that to be a lawyer you had to have an IQ that's at the very least larger than your damn shoe size. But this Chinudo chappie seems to have all the mental acuity of a bloody dung beetle. Talking of dung, I reckon sweeping it off the streets would be a much better career for him. He's much better suited to it if you ask me. My dog would make a better hash of being a lawyer than Chinudo... and he's dead and buried at the end of the bloody garden. Well, dead lady (oops, sorry, slip of the damn finger: I meant to say "dear lady"... mind you, you will be a dead lady before too long, so no matter), I'll sign off here. Damn shame that Chinudo wasted all that bloody time, and all for nothing. Oh well, such is life. I received a damn attractive proposition from some chappie called Abacha yesterday, so I'll be following that up. He at least sounds like he's got more than two brain cells to rub together. Best regards, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) Copyright 2003-2025 www.gilbertmurray.co.uk. All rights reserved. Copyright notice |
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