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Gilbert Murray MP's Westminster Blog - New The Gypping in the Marsh Podcast - New The Gypping in the Marsh Village Website - New
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The Vicar IIIn which Gilbert accepts an offer of money from Mrs Elizabeth Gardner, a widow who is apparently at death's door and wishes to donate a large sum of money to a good Christian cause. What better cause could there be than restoring Gilbert's unusually large organ to its original splendour? Cast of characters
From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: From Mrs Elizabeth Gardner Sent: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 15:59:55 +0100 Dear Sir, I am Mrs Elizabeth Gardner, a person from Malaysia undergoing medical treatment. I am married to Dr Alan Gardner, who worked with the Malaysian embassy in South Africa for nine years before he died in the year 2000. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $27.6 million with one finance/security company in Holland. Presently, this money is still with the security company. Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to a cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is this money. Having known my condition, I decided to donate this fund to a church or better still a Christian individual that will utilise this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church or individual that will use this to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. Please you can send me mail on my direct mailbox, elg3002003@yahoo.it. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard-earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death, hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom. If you will be of assistance, I will surely appreciate and thank you for your kindness in giving me this help. Thank you and God bless you and your family. Thank you. Yours sincerely, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: In response to your email Sent: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 17:56:01 Dear Mrs Gardner, I have just read the email you sent to me. I am terribly sorry to hear of your plight, and about what happened to your husband. You sound like a good, decent and honest Christian lady, and what you are proposing to do with your money is a credit to you. As it happens, your email has come at an ideal moment. I am vicar of Saint Bodkin's Church in the parish of Gypping in the Marsh, and I am currently raising funds for the restoration of the church's magnificent organ. Although my parishioners have been more than generous, our organ restoration fund is still well short of the sum required: approximately 500,000 short, in fact. Your proposal would provide Saint Bodkin's with more than enough money to restore its organ completely. And I am sure that we would be able to find a use for the rest of the money. The vestry is in need of a good coat of paint, for example. Your email shines like a beacon of light and hope to me: I am sure that the Good Lord has ordained that we should find each other in this way. Kindly send me more details, my dear lady. I look forward to hearing from you. May God be with you. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thanks for your mail Sent: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 23:57:51 +0100 (CET) Dear Reverend Gilbert Murray, Thanks for your mail and understanding. I quite appreciate having you as a partner in this mission based on your Christianity and your view. As a widow and devoted Christian I have nothing to lie to you. Be fully assured that part of this money will be invested into the restoration of your church's magnificent organ while the rest will be utilised in charity organisations around you. Please kindly understand my situation and help to utilise this fund. This is my vow to God, as my husband's relatives who have no pity for my condition have acquired others of my husband's properties for the fact that I am still in the hospital because they are all Muslim and they wouldn't want me to live. So my dear brother, all I will say is as far as you are ready to assist me to utilise this fund, you will not regret your involvement in using the fund to assist the poor and the needy because I have nothing to do with this huge amount of money since am at the point of my death. It has been my dream to utilise this fund left for me by my late husband into orphanage homes just for the fact that I have dedicated my life to God. I will forward to you the certificate of deposit which was issued when my husband deposited the fund and also I will ask my lawyer for the power of attorney in your name which will make you the bonafide beneficiary of this fund. Please be informed that the money is currently deposited with Diplomatic Security and Service Ghana Limited. As soon as I receive your full name and home address I will instruct my lawyer to prepare the power of attorney in your name and immediately I will send to you the security company's full contact information for you to contact them. Thank you once again for your view and regards. Hoping to read from you. Best regards, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: I am delighted that we will be able to help each other Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 09:04:21 Dear Mrs Gardner, Thank you for your email. I am delighted to hear that we will be able to help each other. I will be helping you to keep your late husband's money out of the hands of his evil relatives and buy you a place in Heaven, and you will be helping me to restore and repair my organ. Well, when I say "my organ", I do of course mean "Saint Bodkin's organ", but I feel so attached to it that I cannot help but refer to it as mine. May God forgive me. By bringing us together as he has done today, the Good Lord is truly smiling on us both. As the prophet Jim said in his letter to the Glaswegians, "Thou scratcheth my back and I shall scratcheth thine". I do not believe that I have mentioned how nationally important Saint Bodkin's organ is. Built around 1845, it is the largest parish church organ in Lincolnshire, and the second-largest in the country. Unfortunately, time has taken its toll, and it is in dire need of repair and restoration. The leather in the bellows is wearing out and needs replacing, and some of the organ pipes have come away from their mounts and hang limply. With your help, my magnificent organ will stand proud once more. Could you please reassure me on one point? You did not mention how your poor deceased husband came upon such a large amount of money. I trust he did not earn it through immoral or illegal activities? Please understand, I am not insinuating that you are involved in anything immoral or illegal yourself, but a man in my position has to be careful. I cannot risk getting involved in the Devil's work. You requested my personal details. Here they are: Full name: Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK Telephone: 01927 58367 Please note that as a good deal of my work involves travelling around the parish and attending to my parishioners, I can be difficult to reach by telephone. It is probably more convenient to email me as required. I must go. I have to prepare a talk that I am giving tonight to the boys of the local youth club on the perils of onanism. I intend to take the Verger along as a prime example of what can happen when one allows the Devil to turn one's thoughts to the trouser department. The Verger is a very short man, with extremely poor eyesight. He should be a great aid in getting my message across. May the Good Lord swat the Devil's flies away from your fruitbowl. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. You mentioned that you are extremely sick, and at death's door. I shall pray fervently to the Good Lord that you do not croak before the completion of this God-given transaction. From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Contact information Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 16:10:12 +0100 (CET) Dear Reverend Gilbert Murray, May the peace of the Lord be with you. I am happy for the seriousness and all the effort you are making to make our dream come true. I pray almighty God will continue to bless and protect you. Regards to your question, my late husband was a diplomat in South Africa and he earned the money legitimately while working with the government, so do not entertain any fear. My husband was a God-fearing person who never involved himself in any illegal activities. I am well pleased for the arrangements you are making towards the expenditure of the money. I am quite in support of that plan. However, since we do not have sufficient time left, I will advise you to contact the lawyer immediately to enable him to prepare the power of attorney in your favour, though I have informed him and forwarded your contact details to him, but I would appreciate it if you can contact him yourself to enable him to know how serious we are. Here is his contact information: Barrister Babiker Adam, Babiker Chambers, 12 High Street, Accra, Ghana Tel: +233-277-524700 Email: babikerchambers@yahoo.com Also I would like to give you the security company's contact information to enable you to get in touch with them immediately: Name: Diplomatic Security & Services Ghana Limited Address: Diplomatic House, PO Box 3000 OSU, Accra, Ghana Email: diplomaticsec@financier.com Tel: +233-244-847712 Fax: +233-21-411788 Contact person: Dr Morris More (Director of Operations) Security deposit reference code: INDO 90 CC Deposited items: Family valuables Please, I want to let you know that my husband deposited this fund with the security company as family valuables for security reasons, therefore when contacting the security company, you must quote the above-mentioned security deposit code - INDO 90 CC - to enable the security company to recognise the file for the consignment. Kindly get back to me as soon as you have made contact with the security company and the lawyer. Meanwhile I would like you to send immediately your photograph. On return I will send mine as well. Best regards, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Regarding the unfortunate Mrs Gardner Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 16:14:24 Dear Mr Adam, Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray, vicar of Saint Bodkin's church in the parish of Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire. I have been corresponding with the poor unfortunate Mrs Elizabeth Gardner, regarding the transfer of her late husband's millions into my own church's bank account. As the poor lady does not have long left in this world, she has no use for the money herself (other than perhaps to purchase a coffin for herself), and therefore wishes to donate it towards the restoration of my church's magnificent organ. Mrs Gardner may have mentioned to you that I have the largest organ in Lincolnshire. Mrs Gardner has asked me to contact you to ask you to prepare a power of attorney in my favour. She tells me that she has already contacted you, so I imagine that you have been expecting me to get in touch. In case Mrs Gardner has not passed on my contact details, here they are: Full name: Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK Telephone: 01927 58367 As I have already mentioned to Mrs Gardner, a good deal of my work involves travelling around the parish and attending to my parishioners, so I can be difficult to reach by telephone. You will probably find it easier to contact me via email. I would appreciate it if you could set the wheels in motion, my dear fellow, and contact me once you have made some progress. May the Good Lord bless you, your family, your pets, your neighbours, and people you pass in the street. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. I trust you are a good Christian gentleman? From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: Regarding the late Mr Gardner's millions Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 16:17:01 Dear Dr More, Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray, vicar of Saint Bodkin's church in the parish of Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire. I have been corresponding with the dying Mrs Elizabeth Gardner, regarding the transfer of her late husband's millions into my own church's bank account. As Mrs Gardner is close to shuffling off this mortal coil, she wishes to donate the money towards the restoration of my church's magnificent organ. Mrs Gardner may have mentioned to you that I have the largest organ in Lincolnshire. Mrs Gardner has asked me to contact you to arrange matters. She asked me to quote reference INDO 90 CC. I trust this means more to you than it does to me. In case Mrs Gardner has not passed on my contact details, here they are: Full name: Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK Telephone: 01927 58367 I have already contacted Mrs Gardner's lawyer, a Mr Adam, who is apparently dealing with things. I would appreciate it if you could prepare the appropriate consignment ready for transportation to my home in the UK. May the Good Lord smile sweetly on your daily doings. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. I take it you are a Christian gent? From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: The Lord has set the wheels in motion Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 16:19:54 Dear Mrs Gardner, Thank you for your email. I am so pleased to see that you have not yet died. I have offered prayers to God for your continued existence on this earth for a little while longer. You will be pleased to hear that I have contacted Mr Adam and Dr More and asked them to set the wheels in motion. I am getting very excited at the prospect of seeing Saint Bodkin's organ restored back to its original state. The thought of a craftsman's skilled hands working away at my organ makes me go weak at the knees. I shall continue praying for you, my dear lady. What is more, I shall ask the boys of the local youth club to pray for you as well, after I give them my views on the evils of onanism tonight. I am sure that our combined prayers will give you strength to fight the good fight for a few days longer. You asked for my picture. I have attached it to this email. It is taken from last month's parish newsletter, in which I wrote a stirring article on the importance of hourly prayer and weekly self-flagellation. We are all sinners, and we all deserve to suffer for it. I am sure you agree. Please contact me as soon as you hear more on this matter. With the current state of your health, we have no time to waste. May the Lord Jesus grant you lots and lots of nice things. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Dr Morris More To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Transaction Schedule Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 11:50:59 -0500 Attention Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray, Dear sir, We humbly wish to confirm your mail of today and thanks for indicating your security reference code number INDO 90 CC, containing family valuables. However, the management of this company have resolved to grant your plea by transferring your consignment to your doorstep in the United Kingdom through diplomatic courier service, so you are advised to comply with the following:
Please note that your consignment will be despatched and will arrive to your nominated address upon receipt of the above mentioned fee and documents within 72 hours of departure. You are advised to send the money through Western Union money transfer to the name of our Chief of Protocol, Mr John Ogadimma Nwanyanwu, address: Diplomatic House, PO Box 3000 OSU, Accra, Ghana. We look ahead to receiving the payment control number and password. Kindly call the undersigned for more information. Sincerely yours, Dr Morris More (Director of Operations) Tel: 00233-244-847712 Fax: 00233-21-411788 From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: Thank you for your prompt response Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 17:16:35 Dear Dr More, May the Lord bless you for your prompt response, and for offering to transport the late Mr Gardner's consignment to my home address, which is Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK (as stated in my last email). Thank you also for informing me what I have to do in order to arrange the transfer of the consignment. I can see that I will have to consult with dear old Mrs Gardner's lawyer on this matter. I will get back to you as soon as I have the documents you requested, and then, God willing, we can get things moving. I cannot wait to have my magnificent organ restored back to full working order. God bless your little cotton socks. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. By the way, you did not mention whether or not you are a Christian. From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Regards to your mail Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 14:12:35 -0800 (PST) ATTENTION: REV GILBERT MURRAY, I AM IN RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL DATED 23RD MARCH 2004, CONTENTS ARE WELL UNDERSTOOD. FIRSTLY, I HAVE CONTACTED MRS GARDNER TO VERIFY YOUR REQUEST AND I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE TWO DOCUMENTS WITH ME CONCERNING THE DEPOSIT WITH DIPLOMATIC SECURITY AND SERVICE LTD AND I SHALL SEND THEM TO YOU TODAY. BY TOMORROW I SHALL GO TO COURT FOR SWEARING OF POWER OF ATTORNEY AND I WILL ALSO SEND IT TO YOU IMMEDIATELY I OBTAIN IT. HOWEVER, I HAVE MADE NOTE OF YOUR PERSONAL DATA, WHICH I WILL USE TO PREPARE THE POWER OF ATTORNEY IN YOUR NAME. ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME ANYTIME YOU NEED MY ASSISTANCE. REV GILBERT, I AM VERY HAPPY TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM A FULL CHRISTIAN BELIEVER AND STRONG IN THE LORD. LOOKING FORWARD TO READ FROM YOU AGAIN. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER BABIKER ADAM 00233-277-524700 From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Thank you for your email Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 23:10:05 Dear Mr Adam, Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that you seem to have everything in hand. I have received an email from the security company that currently looks after the late Mr Gardner's consignment. They tell me that they require a power of attorney document, a change of ownership document, and a certificate of deposit from me. Will you be able to provide me with these three documents? I am pleased to hear that you are a Christian gentleman. I do so hate dealing with heathens. God be with you, my good friend. Incidentally, you may be interested to hear that I gave a stirring speech to the boys from the local youth club this evening, warning them about the dangers of onanism. My talk went down very well indeed. I trust that you abstain from this terrible sin yourself, Mr Adam. One has only to look at the Verger to see the awful damage it can cause. May God grant your seed much fruitfulness. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: One more point Sent: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 23:15:12 Dear Mr Adam, I forgot to mention in my last email. You wrote your last email entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS. As well as being difficult to read, Christian teaching tells us that using entirely CAPITAL LETTERS is the work of the Devil. I would appreciate it if you could abstain from using entirely CAPITAL LETTERS in your future emails to me. May the Good Lord bring delights to your private life. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: I am concerned not to have heard from you Sent: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 18:00:14 Dear Mr Adam, I am concerned that I have not heard from you today. You mentioned yesterday that you were going to send me some documents. Perhaps you have been delayed: I am sure that you are a busy man. However, I would appreciate it if you could keep me informed of what is going on. Our Lord may be all-seeing, but I am not. I look forward to receiving a status report from you by return. May the Lord bless your garden with sunshine. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Progress update Sent: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 18:03:53 Dear Mrs Gardner, Have you received the photograph I sent you, my dear? Your silence concerns me. I do hope you have not died. Please let me know. You will be pleased to hear that I am making excellent progress, both with the security company and with your lawyer, who seems to be a splendid chap, despite his over-use of capital letters. I am confident that we will be able to conclude matters without delay. Let me know how you are, my dear lady, and do send me that photograph you mentioned. I would like to see the face of the person at whom my hourly prayers are aimed. May Jesus place a bun in your oven and a fish in your pond. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: The documents Sent: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 11:30:25 -0800 (PST) Attention Gilbert Murray, Sorry for my late updating. I was complete busy today at the high court. However I wanted to send you all the documents together to enable you complete the transaction immediately with the security company. Kindly see the attached below. Feel free to call me on the phone as soon as you receive this email attachment. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker Adam Tel: 00233-277-524700 From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Thank you for the documents Sent: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 22:52:21 Dear Mr Adam, Thank you so much for sending on those documents to me. I quite understand the delay. Now, where do we go from here? What do I need to do with the documents? I am wondering whether I should cycle into town tomorrow and pop my head around the door of my lawyer, Mr Welsby. He is a very sound man, and has always given me excellent advice on all sorts of matters. What do you think? I am so pleased that we are making progress. The restoration of my organ is getting closer: I can feel it! Talking of my organ, I had the pleasure of showing a party of local schoolboys around the church earlier today. Their mouths dropped open in awe when I showed them the size of my organ. But that was nothing compared to the looks on their faces when I showed them what a volume I can get out of the thing. One of the little boys was quite overcome at the sight, and asked me if he could touch it himself. I was happy to help him up into the organ loft and let the little chap sit on my lap as he gingerly touched my organ. I think we may have a future organist on our hands. I must go to bed now. I have to be up early to work on next Sunday's sermon. I look forward to hearing from you with advice on what I should do with the documents. May Jesus grant you peace, serenity and success in your love life. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Reply Sent: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 04:13:22 -0800 (PST) Attention Reverend Gilbert Murray, I am in receipt of your mail with thanks. I think the best way forward is to comply with the security company immediately since all the required documents needed from you have been completed. Send them across to them immediately to enable them to complete the transaction with you. If you deem it necessary you can go ahead to show your lawyer the documents. But I think the most important thing now is to make sure you finalise this transaction with the security company to enable you to complete your project in your church. Endeavour to call me on the phone so that we can have a brief oral discussion. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker Adam From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Are you sure I have all the documents I need? Sent: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 12:29:37 Dear Mr Adam, Thank you for your email, and for your sterling advice. You say that I now have all the documents that I need to send to the security company. However, if I recall correctly, Dr More at the security company told me that I needed to send him a power of attorney document, a change of ownership document, and a certificate of deposit. You have sent me a change of ownership document, a certificate of deposit, and a depository agreement, so I am still lacking a power of attorney document from the court of justice. When can I hope to receive this from you? I have worked all morning on this Sunday's sermon. I have decided to talk to my congregation about the importance of honesty in all aspects of our daily lives. As I am sure you will agree, the Devil places evil and temptation in our paths every hour of every day, and we must do our best to walk the path of the straight, narrow and true, to avoid everlasting damnation in burning hellfire. It is a strong sermon, and I think it should make an impression on the churchgoers. Incidentally, have you heard from poor old Mrs Gardner recently? The old dear promised to send me a photograph of herself, but I have not heard from her for a while. I know the poor lady was ill. I do hope that she has not died quite yet. I must busy myself this afternoon cleaning the church: we are being visited tomorrow by Bishop Briggs, so everything must be sparkling clean in preparation for his arrival. I cannot wait to tell His Grace all about Mrs Gardner's generosity, and how this will result in the restoration of Saint Bodkin's organ. Bishop Briggs is a keen antiquarian, and enjoys examining my organ closely each time he visits. I look forward to receiving the power of attorney document from you as soon as possible, my dear fellow. May the Lord grant you the strength not to stray from the path of truth and honesty. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Regards Sent: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 18:15:38 +0100 (CET) Dear Reverend Gilbert Murray, Thank you for your concern and your kindness. Please my Reverend, I have received your picture and I will send mine as soon as my hospital attendant is free to do that for me. I am so sorry for my late response. It was due to my hospital attendant. She was not able to send mail for me for a few days. I am very happy to hear that you are making excellent progress towards this mission. I have instructed my attorney to send all the documents to you without further delay, and I'm hoping to hear that you utilise this fund for the benefit of the poor and your church as well. Thank you once again. May the Almighty keep on blessing you abundantly. Amen. Best regards, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: I am delighted to see that you are not dead yet Sent: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 17:41:39 Dear Mrs Gardner, Thank you for your email. I am so relieved that you have not yet died. My prayers are obviously working! I will continue to pray for you. I am being visited by the Bishop tomorrow. I shall ask him to pray for you as well. With the power of both our prayers, we can only hope that God may grant you slightly longer on this earth before consigning you to oblivion. Your lawyer seems to be a splendid chap. He has already sent me a number of documents. I am just waiting for one more from him - a power of attorney - and then I believe we will be able to proceed. Please, me dear lady, look after yourself. May God prepare a comfortable chair in Heaven ready for you. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I will send it tomorrow Sent: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 12:07:29 -0800 (PST) Attention Gilbert Murray, I am in receipt of your mail with thanks. All your comment has been noted and be rest assured that by tomorrow first business hour, I will be at high court to stamp the power of attorney and immediately send it across to you. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker Adam Tel: +233-277-524700 From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Re: I will send it tomorrow Sent: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 22:21:47 Dear Mr Adam, Thank you for your email. This is splendid news. I look forward to receiving the document. Please look after yourself while you are at the court tomorrow, my dear fellow: I have heard that courts can be unpleasant places, full of nasty criminal types. Take care not to get yourself mixed up with anyone unsavoury, won't you? May the Good Lord protect you from criminals and other evil types tomorrow. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: I am disappointed not to have received the power of attorney yet Sent: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 17:07:05 Dear Mr Adam, I am rather disappointed that I have not yet received the power of attorney document from you yet. No doubt you are a busy chap, but I had thought that you were treating this business with some sense of urgency. After all, poor dear Mrs Gardner is hanging onto life by a thread, and could kick the bucket of eternity at any moment. I will expect to receive the document from you some time tomorrow. I must go now: I am due to have tea with Bishop Briggs, after which we are going to play with my organ. Wishing you a pleasant weekend. May the Good Lord send angels to sing you to sleep. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thanks for your very self Sent: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 11:07:20 -0800 (PST) Attention Gilbert Murray, It was all round busy for me today, but I thank God that I finally secured the document today. Below is the document. Thanks for your very self. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker +233-277-524700 From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Slight problem Sent: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 15:28:23 Dear Mr Adam, Thank you for sending me the power of attorney document. I very much appreciate the effort you are putting into making this business a success. God will no doubt bless you for your good work. The Verger has just helped me to print out the document. Unfortunately, we have noticed a problem: the document contains two spelling mistakes. In point 1, your name is spelt incorrectly ("Bakiker" instead of "Babiker"), and the sentence just above the signatures contains the phrase "Bakiker Chambers" instead of "Babiker Chambers". I have to admit that I am not too well-versed in legal matters, but the Verger tells me that he has had one or two dealings with the law in the past, and he assures me that spelling a name incorrectly on a legal document such as this can be very serious, and probably invalidates the entire document. Therefore, I am afraid that I will have to ask you to obtain another power of attorney document from the court and send it to me. Seemingly insignificant errors such as this could jeopardise this whole endeavour, and I cannot risk that happening. I am sure you understand. I have to say that I am surprised that someone with such a sharp legal mind as yourself did not notice such glaring errors in this document. You did mention that you were very busy: perhaps you are suffering from overwork. Never mind. "To err is human, to forgive, divine", and I am sure that the Good Lord will forgive you. I look forward to receiving the revised power of attorney document from you. I can appreciate that you will probably not be able to get this to me until Monday at the earliest: I should hope that the court does not sit on the Lord's holy day. Could I ask you to ensure that the new power of attorney is completely free of errors before you send it to me this time? May the Good Lord improve the accuracy of your spelling in legal documents. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Accept my apology Sent: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 08:22:32 -0800 (PST) Attention: Rev Gilbert Murray, I'm extremely sorry for that big mistake. It was a typing error from my secretary and also my inability to preview the document before she sent it to you. This kind of mistake can jeopardise all the effort I have put in this matter. Please accept my apologies. I was too busy the last four days. I will send it across to you myself on Monday, hence I have little thing to attend. Anyway, I will deal with my secretary very well in this situation. Please once again accept my apology and thanks for the correction. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker Adam +233-277-524700 From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: We all make mistakes Sent: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 17:14:03 Dear Mr Adam, Thank you for your email. I am pleased to see that you are going to take prompt steps to resolve this problem. Of course, I accept your apology, my dear fellow. I see that it was not your fault. However, I would urge you to impress upon your secretary the gravity of her mistake, and to leave her in no doubt about the inconvenience and delays her rank incompetence has caused. I know a few devotees of the Old Testament (Bishop Briggs, for example) who would probably suggest that a few lashes with a whip would be an appropriate punishment: one for each spelling mistake. However, our Lord Jesus told us to do unto others as we would be done to ourselves, so I would suggest docking her a week's pay instead. Perhaps you could do as Solomon did, and allow her to choose her own punishment: two lashes with a whip, or a week's pay docked. Please let me know which punishment you decide is most appropriate. The Verger and I are having a splendid time entertaining the Bishop. He is an old-fashioned chap, and people sometimes knock him for his views, but I feel that it is wrong to bash the Bishop. We had a marvellous time earlier today. Bishop Briggs is quite an accomplished musician, and has a very aggressive playing style, especially when he plays one of his favourite hymns. The Verger told me that watching the Bishop play with my organ in such an aggressive manner brought tears to his eyes. I must go now. I wish you a peaceful sabbath, my dear fellow. I look forward to receiving the revised power of attorney document from you on Monday. May God forgive your secretary for her atrocious spelling. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Could I beg your indulgence? Sent: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 10:59:31 Dear Mr Adam, Good day to you. I trust you had a pleasant weekend, and enjoyed your day of rest yesterday. I trust also that you attended church like a good Christian. I have had a splendid weekend entertaining Bishop Briggs, who left us this morning. I told him about being contacted by Mrs Gardner and explained that with the dear lady's help, we would be able to restore Saint Bodkin's organ to its original condition. Bishop Briggs was delighted to hear this good news, and assured me that he will include Mrs Gardner in his daily prayers. May I beg your indulgence, my dear fellow? We are conducting a campaign here at the moment to try and get the "British Counties" series of guidebooks to include my organ in their book on Lincolnshire. To this end, we are sending out petitions and collecting signatures from people who feel that my magnificent organ should be included in the guide book's "Top Ten Things To See In Lincolnshire" list. I have attached one of our petitions to this email. Could I ask you to add your name to the petition, my good friend? You would be doing me a huge favour. Perhaps you could get your secretary to sign it too. Just make sure she spells her name correctly. If you could get any other signatures while you are at it, that would be splendid. God will thank you for your assistance in this matter. Just print it out, add your details to the list, scan it in, and send it back to me. May the Good Lord bless your law firm with numerous contracts. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: I am delighted to see that you are not dead yet Sent: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:52:55 +0200 (CEST) Dear Reverend Gilbert Murray, How are you today? Hoping that all is well. Please, what is the position of the matter now? I will be glad to read from you soonest. May our good Lord grant you success. Best regards, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Progress report Sent: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:30:12 Dear Mrs Gardner, Thank you for your email. I praise the Lord that he has granted you enough strength to raise your tired hands to your computer keyboard and type. You must be in a splendid hospital if you have internet access. No doubt our own National Health Service could learn a thing or two. Just because someone is nearly dead, that is no reason to deprive them of their emails. You asked for a progress report. Unfortunately, Mr Adam sent me a power of attorney document that was riddled with spelling mistakes (his secretary's fault, apparently). As soon as I pointed out the errors, Mr Adam promised to return to the court and obtain a new power of attorney, and promised to get the spelling right this time. I am expecting him to send me the power of attorney either later today, or tomorrow morning. Once I receive that, I think the phrase is "all systems go". Such delays are regrettable, but the Verger assures me that one cannot be too careful with legal documents. I only hope that you can manage to hang on to life for a few days longer, so that we can conclude this business before you are dead and buried. I am sure that you would not want to die without knowing that your money has been successfully transferred into the Saint Bodkin's organ restoration fund. Talking of the organ restoration fund, I have attached a petition to this email. We are trying to get the "British Counties" series of guidebooks to include my organ in their "Top Ten Things To See In Lincolnshire" list. Could I ask you to add your name to the petition, my dear lady? You would be doing me an immense favour. If you could get anyone else at the hospital to sign the petition before you send it back, that would be marvellous. Simply print it out, add your details to the list, scan it in, and send it back to me. You can send me that photograph you promised me at the same time. Be sure to get it back to me by the end of the week, and God will bless you for your effort. May the good Lord smooth the bumps out of your hospital bed. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Document Sent: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 07:52:45 -0800 (PST) Attention: Rev Gilbert Murray, Please find attached the correct document. Thanks for your patience. Barrister Babiker From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: This document is incorrect too Sent: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 17:21:02 Dear Mr Adam, Thank you for sending me the new power of attorney document. The Verger has just helped me to print it out. Unfortunately, one of the errors I pointed out to you in the original document has not been corrected in this document: in point 1, your name is still spelt incorrectly ("Bakiker" instead of "Babiker"). I can only assume that this gross error is once again the fault of your secretary. Mrs Gardner will be most displeased. The Verger tells me that once again, this foolish mistake completely invalidates the entire document. Therefore, I am afraid that I am going to have to ask you to obtain yet another power of attorney document. Please ensure that you obtain the new power of attorney as soon as possible, my dear fellow: although I try to have the patience of a saint, these delays are becoming tiresome. Might I also suggest that you consider looking for a new secretary? Secretaries that cannot spell or type would seem to be about as useful as a chocolate crucifix. Please let me know when I can expect to receive the new power of attorney document from you. May God speed your progress at the court once again. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. You did not mention the petition I sent you. When can I expect to receive it back from you, my friend? From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: This is the correct document Sent: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 10:16:51 -0800 (PST) Attention Rev Gilbert Murray, We are very sorry for all these mistakes. I hope you have forgiven us. Please find attached the correct document with no mistakes. I will respond to your request by tomorrow as soon as I get to my office. We thank you very much for your co-operation and patience. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: This document isn't right either! Sent: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 22:37:52 Dear Mr Adam, My heart leapt when I saw that you had sent me a new power of attorney document so quickly. However, once I had read it, my heart sank once more: this document isn't right either. Although you have corrected the mistake in point 1, the sentence just above the signatures contains the phrase "Bakiker Chambers" instead of "Babiker Chambers". This error appeared in the original document, was fixed in the second draft, and has now re-appeared in your third attempt. Therefore, this document is also invalid, and I need you to send me a fourth power of attorney. Please, Mr Adam, do your best to ensure that these errors do not appear in the next draft. This is getting beyond a joke. Imagine what would have happened if God had made spelling mistakes like this when he gave Moses the ten commandments. Imagine the confusion that would have been caused if he had carved "Thou shalt not spill" into the tablet of stone instead of "Thou shalt not kill". People would probably be going around slaughtering each other quite happily, whilst being extremely careful not to spill their cups of tea. That would not do at all. I look forward to receiving a fourth draft of the power of attorney document as soon as possible, and to receiving my completed petition. May God give me strength. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: A slight hitch Sent: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 11:18:52 Dear Mrs Gardner, I thought that I should keep you up to date with the latest developments. Unfortunately, there has been a slight hitch. Mr Adam has so far sent me three power of attorney documents, but each one has contained serious spelling mistakes, which render the documents invalid. I informed Mr Adam last night that his latest attempt was still flawed, and am waiting for him to send me a revised copy of the document. I am praying that this next version is acceptable: we cannot afford delays such as this. Mr Adam has blamed his secretary, and I have advised him to look for a new one: preferably one who can spell and type. However, I feel that some blame for these mistakes must lie on Mr Adam's shoulders: surely he should check these documents before sending them out? To be perfectly frank, if it were not for the fact that you are close to death and will soon have no need for a lawyer, I would be tempted to advise you to place your legal affairs in the hands of someone else. Talking of your impending death, have you made your peace before God, my dear lady? Is there anything you would like to confess to me before the lights go out and you slip into the infinite void? It must be a relief to know that you have lived a completely honest and blameless life: you will surely be going to Heaven. Imagine what it must be like for someone who has lived an evil, dishonest life: the knowledge that one is going to spend an eternity roasting in the red-hot fires of Hell must be difficult to bear. I am sure that Mr Adam will send me an error-free power of attorney document soon, and then we will be able to move forward. I look forward to receiving the completed petition from you, by the way, as well as that photograph you promised me. May God send angels to plump your pillows. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: How are things progressing? Sent: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 17:30:41 Dear Mr Adam, I am concerned that I have not heard from you today. Have you managed to obtain another power of attorney document from the court (one without any errors this time)? Perhaps your other business has meant that you have not been able to visit the court again yet? Perhaps you have sacked your secretary and are currently having to do the work of two people? Whatever the situation, please let me know how things are progressing, and when I can expect to receive the power of attorney from you. I am extremely keen to complete this business as soon as we possibly can so that I can begin to get Saint Bodkin's organ restored. I look forward to hearing from you by return. May the Good Lord in His infinite wisdom bless you and your staff. Even your secretary. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: What is going on, for God's sake? Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 17:20:24 Mr Adam, I have not heard from you now for two days. This simply will not do. After making a reasonably promising start, you then went on to make one foolish mistake after another with the power of attorney document, and have now simply stopped communicating. To be perfectly honest, I am not sure that you are capable of carrying out this business. Your standard of professionalism is lamentable, and I now have very little confidence in you. How can one have confidence in a person who cannot even spell their own name correctly? I have prayed for guidance, and I am sorry to say that I am now going to contact dear old Mrs Gardner and tell her that in my opinion (and in God's opinion too), she needs to find herself another lawyer. One with some degree of competence. You were supposed to be a help in this business. You have instead been a hindrance. May the Good Lord teach you how to spell your name correctly. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. I would still appreciate that petition back from you. Send it on as soon as you can, there's a good chap. From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: I think you need to find another lawyer Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 17:26:12 Dear Mrs Gardner, I am sorry to have to say that thanks to the incompetence of Mr Adam, this whole business has ground to a halt. What a fiasco. The man cannot even spell his own name correctly. Are you sure he is a fully-qualified lawyer? In my opinion, he would be much better suited to a less demanding profession. Herding goats, for example. Assuming that you are not dead yet, I urge you with all the seriousness I can muster to find yourself a new lawyer. Mind you, I have not heard from you for a while... perhaps you have now died? Oh well, these things happen. As it happens, I have been approached by a very nice man called Mr Abacha, who has put forward a most interesting business proposal, which I am confident will raise more than enough money to restore my magnificently large organ. So if you are dead, it's not the end of the world. Well, it is for you, of course. May God forgive you your sins. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I'm still alive Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 18:39:36 +0200 (CEST) Reverend Gilbert Murray, Sorry, I have never died. God is with me, and I thank you for your advice. I urged with Mr Adam about all his mistakes and incompetence but he said it was all his secretary's fault and he has promised to provide a new one today by himself. I hope he will do that as soon as possible. I will send to you my picture and your request as soon as my hospital attendant is able to do that for me. Once again, thank you for everything. May our Good Lord grant you wisdom. Amen. Best regards, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Re: I'm still alive Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 20:54:04 Dear Mrs Gardner, Praise the Lord! You are alive! I am overjoyed at this news! I am also overjoyed at the news that Mr Adam will be providing me with a new power of attorney document. I look forward to receiving the document from him as soon as possible so that we can move forward. Hopefully Mr Adam will prove me wrong, and prove his worth as a decent lawyer. Thanks be to God for your life! May God keep you hanging on in there. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. Please send me my signed petition when you send me your photograph. I look forward to receiving them both by return, my dear lady. From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Find the attachment Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 13:34:53 -0800 (PST) Attention: Rev Gilbert Murray, I'm in receipt of your mail and its contents are well noted. I must have to be sincere to you. I'm a very busy person, I have had no chance to go to the high court for another power of attorney, but as God may have it, I tried my best to get a new one for you. With due respect, I don't love your manner of approach to me. I'm just assisting the poor widow for God's sake with my money and time. I hope that this power of attorney will enable you to further your business. Thank you for your advice and may God bless you. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker Adam From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: I thank you from the bottom of my heart Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 22:53:02 Dear Mr Adam, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your email. I would also like to thank you sincerely for all the trouble you have had to go through in order to provide me with a power of attorney document that is free of spelling mistakes. I am pleased to be able to say that your name appears to be spelled correctly on this document. God must surely have been looking over your shoulder as you prepared it. And I imagine you must have let your useless secretary nowhere near it. I would also like to apologise for any harsh words I may have used that have upset you. It is no excuse, but I hope that you can appreciate that I was extremely distressed. Mrs Gardner had kindly offered to donate a large sum of money to me for the restoration of my large organ, and when I did not hear from you I feared that something awful would happen and that my organ would not be restored after all. Please forgive me, Mr Adam. Now that I have received the correct document from you, could you please tell me what my next step is? I have found all this to-ing and fro-ing of documents most confusing. May Jesus bless your window box with pretty flowers. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray PS. Any sign of that petition? From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: I now have all the documents I require Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 10:07:34 Dear Mrs Gardner, How are you today, my dear lady? You will be pleased to hear that I now have all the documents I require: Mr Adams sent me the power of attorney document late last night, and I am delighted to be able to tell you that he managed to spell his name correctly this time. It only took four attempts. So, now that I have all the documents I need, what should I do next? I had a thought this morning whilst sitting in the bath, applying a loofah to my back and humming "Onward Christian Soldiers". Have you any plans for the disposal of your body once you finally succumb to your illness and pop your Christian clogs? As you said that the rest of your family were Muslims, I wondered if you might have problems arranging a Christian burial. I would be more than happy to offer you a final resting place in the graveyard of Saint Bodkin's. Given the amount of money you are donating to the church, I think this is only right and proper. The graveyard has been in use since Saxon times, and I have a particular plot in mind that I could reserve for you, if you so wished. It is a beautiful, peaceful plot at the far end of the graveyard, in between the Verger's shed and the septic tank. Do let me know if you would like me to reserve it for you, my dear lady. As for transporting your body over here after your death, I suppose Dr More could place it in one of his consignment boxes and ship it over by diplomatic courier. I am getting very excited now at the prospect of having my organ restored. As we must be drawing near to the conclusion of this transaction, I am about to start consulting restoration specialists about the work that will be involved. I am going to start with the organ's wooden case, which needs a good polish. The Verger tells me that he picked up a card from a telephone box in town last week, advertising the services of a Miss Sadie Stern, who apparently lists "French polishing" as one of her services. The Verger tells me that the card advertises a "full personal service, clean and discrete, with complete satisfaction guaranteed". This sounds like just the sort of craftsperson I am after. I shall give her a call later today and see what she can do for me. Let me know what our next move is, my dear. May Jesus smile in your general direction. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Send the documents to the security company Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 03:02:52 -0800 (PST) Attention: Rev Gilbert Murray, Send the documents to the security company and follow their instructions. Yours faithfully, Barrister Babiker Adam From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: The late Mr Gardner's millions - INDO 90 CC Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 11:14:21 Dear Dr More, Following on from our emails last week, please find attached the documents you require to effect the transportation of the late Mr Gardner's consignment to my address in the UK. As you requested, I attach a power of attorney document, a change of ownership document, and a certificate of deposit document, which have been obtained for me by Mrs Gardner's lawyer. I trust this is all the information you need for us to move forward. Kindly let me know what our next step is. May the Lord be with you night and day. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Dr Morris More To: Gilbert Murray Subject: We have confirmed the documents correctly Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 07:01:46 -0500 Attention Rev Gilbert Murray, We have today confirmed the receipt of your mail with the attached documents as required. We are hereby to notify you that all the documents are correct and authentic, therefore all we need from you now is to complete the shipment cost as we mentioned in the first mail to you. Kindly send the required 6,500 (six thousand five hundred pounds) only, which represents the cost of shipment and the cost of obtaining an insurance policy against loss or damages in transit. Also you are advised to reconfirm your mailing address to ensure a successful delivery to your doorstep. Please note that your consignment will be despatched and will arrive to your nominated address upon receipt of the above mentioned fee and documents within 72 hours of departure. You are advised to send the money through Western Union money transfer to the name of our Chief of Protocol, Mr John Ogadimma Nwanyanwu, address: Diplomatic House, PO Box 3000 OSU, Accra, Ghana. We look ahead to receiving the payment control number and password. Kindly call the undersigned for more information. Sincerely yours, Dr Morris More (Director of Operations) Tel: 00233-244-847712 From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Regarding Dr More's fee Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 12:57:02 Dear Mrs Gardner, I have sent the documents that I got from Mr Adam to Dr More at the security company. Dr More has got back to me already and confirmed that they are all present and correct. Now then, he is asking me to pay a fee of 6,500 for the transportation of the consignment to my home. There is a slight problem here: as a simple country vicar, I do not have that amount of money hanging around. We vicars receive our rewards in Heaven, rather than down here on earth. Of course, there is always the money that we have collected so far for the restoration of my organ, which would more than cover the cost, but I don't want to have to use that unless I strictly have to. This presents me with a problem. However, I have an idea. Could we ask Dr More to open one of the trunk boxes and take the fee out of that? I think this would be easier for us all. Please advise. Incidentally, I telephoned the "furniture restorer" who was recommended to me by the Verger earlier today. I got the shock of my life: it turns out that she isn't a furniture restorer at all. When I told her that I had an extremely large organ and I wanted to get it polished, she replied "Yes love, that's what they all say," and went on to describe the services she provides in detail. I was completely shocked. When I told her that I was a vicar, she asked me if I wanted her to dress up as a nun. And when I told her that I thought I had got hold of the wrong end of the stick, she replied "I'll bet you'd like me to get a firm hold of the wrong end of your stick, wouldn't you?" At that point I hung up the telephone. I will have to tell the Verger to be more careful in the future. Let me know what you think about my idea regarding the payment of Dr More's fee, my dear lady. And send me my petition by return: I need it back, you know! May God protect us all from "furniture restorers" who advertise in telephone boxes. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: I will get back to you on this matter Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 13:59:12 Dear Dr More, Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that all the documentation is present and correct. I will get back to you on the subject of the fee: I am currently waiting for some advice on this from Mrs Gardner. May the Good Lord place bread on your table and tea in your pot. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Kindly respond to my emails, dear lady Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 09:23:21 Dear Mrs Gardner, I am most disappointed that you have not yet responded to the emails I sent you yesterday. There is an important outstanding question that I need your help with before we can move forward. I am jumping through hoops here in an attempt to bring this transaction to a speedy close, but to be frank my dear lady, you do not seem to be treating this business with the urgency it deserves. I appreciate that you are ill, but I am praying for you on an almost hourly basis. Are my prayers not having any effect? As the good book tells us, being on the verge of death is no excuse for not answering one's emails promptly. Well, in so many words. Let me repeat my question to you. Dr More has asked me for a substantial fee, which I would only be able to pay by using the money we have collected so far for the restoration of Saint Bodkin's organ. I am loathe to do this if I can avoid it - if the Bishop found out, he would be furious, and I could get into serious trouble - so I was wondering whether I should ask Dr More to crack open one of the trunk cases and take the money he requires out of that. What do you think? Also, you have not let me know whether I should reserve the plot in Saint Bodkin's graveyard for you. On top of this, you have still not sent me a photograph of yourself, or the petition I sent you. I need that petition back today - I am waiting for it so that I can send the petitions to the guide book publisher. Dr More is waiting for me to get back to him. Kindly respond to me by return so that we can move forward. Get your nurse to type out the email for you if you are too weak. May God give you the wisdom to reply to your emails more promptly. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Urgent action required Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 09:37:58 Dear Mr Adam, I am sorry to bother you, my dear fellow, but I need your urgent help with two matters. Firstly, I am waiting for a response from dear old Mrs Gardner on a query I sent to her. Dr More at the security company is waiting for me to get back to him, but I cannot move forward until I hear back from Mrs Gardner, who is being extremely tardy at responding to her emails. I am concerned about delaying this any further. Would it be possible for you to pop round to the hospital to see her and get her to deal with my query as soon as possible? You could take her some flowers at the same time. That would be a nice gesture. Secondly, I need that petition back from you today: I am waiting for it so that I can send it off to the guide book publisher. You promised me that you would deal with it, but as yet I have not received it back from you. This is getting urgent now, so kindly send it back to me by return. May God grant you success in your legal cases. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: I am sorry for the delay Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 17:28:57 Dear Dr More, I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I am still waiting for dear old Mrs Gardner to get back to me with an answer to an important query. As soon as she gets back to me, we will be able to get things moving again. Wishing you a pleasant weekend. May Jesus smile at your children. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Reply Sent: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 21:07:40 +0200 (CEST) Reverend Gilbert Murray, Kindly reserve the graveyard of Saint Bodkin's for yourself. Thank you. I will appeal to you to arrange the fees to the security company since that will be the last hurdle to cross in this mission. I will be so happy if you can comply with Dr More. You must understand that the security company do not know that what my late husband deposited with them is physical cash. Therefore, to avoid jeopardising this effort, I will plead with you to settle them with their request to enable them to ship the consignment to you as agreed upon by the security company. I would have love to shoulder every expense, but my condition now cannot warrant me, based on the fact I have spent my last resort money for hospital and have nothing left with me again. Reverend Gilbert Murray, do not hang up this mission on the half way because of the security company's request. Try to borrow or take from the church money to complete this mission, so that as soon as you collect this fund, you can put back all your expenses before investing the money into charity organisations and other places as we agreed upon. Please, my most concern is to make sure this money is with you so that all our dreams will come to pass. I know the money that the security company needs is big, but it is nothing to compare with what we are talking about. Do all you can to ensure all our efforts will not be in vain. I have no scanner. I would have sent back the form to you as early, but as soon as my hospital attendant finds a scanner, I will instruct her to send the form. Thank you and God bless. Best regards, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Thank you for your reply Sent: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 22:31:07 Dear Mrs Gardner, I thank God for your email. Having not heard from you since Wednesday, I once again assumed the worst and thought that you had died. As it seems that there is now other way of getting the money that the security company requires, I will do as you suggest, and borrow the money from the church organ restoration fund. Hopefully I will be able to replace the money before anyone finds out that it is missing. I could get into terrible trouble if anyone found out that I had withdrawn money from the fund. I will contact Dr More and inform him that I shall get the money to him early next week. Hopefully we will be able to conclude things soon after that. May the Good Lord bless the nurses that keep you clinging to life. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: Regarding the fees you require Sent: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 22:34:41 Dear Dr More, A quick note to inform you that Mrs Gardner has got back to me with an answer to my query. I shall therefore arrange for the fees you require to be with you on Monday or Tuesday. Could you please reconfirm the details that I need to get the money to you? I want to ensure that I have the correct details so that the money gets to you without any problems. I look forward to hearing from you by return. May God speed my money transfer this week. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Dr Morris More To: Gilbert Murray Subject: FROM DIPLOMATIC SECURITY & SERVICES Sent: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 04:17:29 -0500 Attention Reverend Gilbert Murray, This confirms the receipt of your mail dated 3rd April 2004 with thanks. Please kindly send the fees through Western Union in the name of our Chief of Protocol: Name: Mr John Ogadimma Nwanyanwu Address: Diplomatic House, PO Box 3000 OSU, Accra, Ghana Question: Purpose? Answer: Shipment We look forward to receiving the payment information and password. Kindly call the undersigned for more information. Sincerely yours, Dr Morris More (Director of Operations) Tel: 00233-244-847712 Fax: 00233-21-411788 From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: I have transferred your fee to you Sent: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 12:01:36 Dear Dr More, Thank you for sending me the information I requested. As soon as I received your email, I headed straight into town to transfer your fee to you. I had to travel into town this morning anyway as it happens, to pick up some books I had ordered from the Christian bookshop. I have never transferred money in this way before, and I must say that I was very impressed with how easy it all was. The Western Union agent did experience some difficulty in processing the transfer: she explained that they were experiencing some technical problems with their network. However, she managed to process the transfer successfully in the end, and told me that the money would be available to you instantly. What speed! I never knew how simple it was to transfer money around the world. I believe that you need a control number from me in order to access the money. This is 3752969588. Please let me know as soon as Mr Nwanyanwu has collected the money. I trust that we can then arrange the transfer of the consignment to my home address. I look forward to hearing from you. May the Good Lord assure you a place in Heaven. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Dr Morris More To: Gilbert Murray Subject: FROM DIPLOMATIC SECURITY & SERVICES Sent: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 07:01:16 -0500 Attention Reverend Gilbert Murray, This confirms the receipt of your mail with thanks. Please, I want you to send me the full information of the payment to enable Mr John to pick up the money tomorrow morning. I would like you to send by attachment the payment receipt of the money from Western Union, because the information required at the Western Union is not complete. Also, we need the address where you paid the money from, reconfirm the control number, the sender's name, test question and answer. The Western Union needs the full information. Kindly scan the receipt and send it immediately since you have made the payment. Best regards, Dr Morris More From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: The information you requested Sent: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 13:46:01 Dear Dr More, I opened your email thinking that I was about to read the good news that you had collected the money I transferred to you. I was disappointed to read that you have not yet done so. I would have thought you had all the information you needed. Just in case you have not, here it is again: Sender's name: Gilbert Arnold Murray Sender's address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, UK Control number: 3752969588 Recipient: Mr John Ogadimma Nwanyanwu Question: Purpose? Answer: Shipment You asked for a scan of the Western Union receipt. Unfortunately, I am a bit of a duffer when it comes to technology, so I will have to wait until the Verger arrives: he will be able to scan it in for me. However, the charming young lady at the Western Union office told me that the recipient did not need a copy of the receipt to collect the money, so you should be able to pick it up without any problems. Please let me know when you have collected the money. May Jesus grant success to your business dealings. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Progress report Sent: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 14:28:52 Dear Mrs Gardner, How are you, my dear lady? I thought I would brighten your day with a brief update on the progress I am making regarding the transfer of your husband's consignment to my home address. You will doubtless be pleased to hear that I travelled into town this morning and transferred Dr More's fee to him. As soon as Dr More's associate, Mr Nwanyanwu, has collected the money, Dr More should be able to arrange the transfer of the consignment. I am most excited at the prospect. You may be interested to hear that I had a visit from a Mr and Mrs Belial this lunchtime. They are organ fanatics, and have been travelling through Lincolnshire, visiting churches to inspect their organs. As you know, I am only too happy to show my organ to anyone who asks, and Mr and Mrs Belial were most impressed when they saw it. While Mr Belial played with my organ, Mrs Belial told me that he has an organ of his own that he had rescued from a parish church that was being demolished. She told me that although her husband's organ was abnormally large, she had never seen one quite as big as mine. I smiled and told her that size wasn't the most important thing; it's what you do with it that counts. How are you getting on with my petition, my dear lady? Send it back as soon as you can, there's a dear. If I can get my organ listed in a guide book, I can expect to have the pleasure of showing it to lots and lots of people. May the Good Lord keep your life support system functioning correctly. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Elizabeth Gardner To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Progress report Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 10:48:51 +0200 (CEST) Dear Reverend, Thank you for your mail. Please, I would appreciate it if you could send to me the copy of the money you paid to Dr More for my records. Looking forward to hear that you have received the fund. Thank you for your effort towards this transaction. Best regards, Mrs Elizabeth Gardner From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: The Verger has had an excellent idea Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 10:24:41 Dear Mrs Gardner, Thank you for your email and for your kind words, my dear, dying lady. The Verger came to me yesterday with an excellent idea. If you remember, you mentioned to me in an email that you were keen for the money you are donating to go towards helping orphans. Well, the Verger has been doing some research on the internet, and he tells me that he has found a website that enables you to purchase young orphans from Thailand. He has suggested that we use some of the money you are donating to purchase a young Thai orphan - he suggests that a girl aged between 12 and 14 might be appropriate - and put more of your money towards her upkeep and education. The Verger tells me that he would be only too happy for the little orphan girl to stay with him at his house: he lives alone and has plenty of room there. The Verger also tells me that he has a circle of male friends who he is sure would also be willing to put up young Thai orphan girls. And boys, in some cases. I think this is a splendid idea. Your money would go towards providing young orphans with safe, secure and loving homes, and a good Christian upbringing. God bless the Verger for his generosity. I am looking forward to Dr More contacting me with news that he has collected the money I transferred to him. God willing, his associate should be collecting it today, so that we can move forward with speed. May God bless you, my dear lady, Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: Has Mr Nwanyanwu collected the money yet? Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 12:41:29 Dear Dr More, Has Mr Nwanyanwu collected the money I transferred to him yet? I was hoping that he would have collected it this morning so that we could arrange the shipment of the consignment this afternoon. Please let me know what the situation is. I am waiting here on tenterhooks. May God bless you, Mr Nwanyanwu, and all your other colleagues. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Dr Morris More To: Gilbert Murray Subject: There is no such payment at the Western Union Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 09:04:41 -0500 Attention Gilbert Murray, It is quite unfortunate that Mr John could not see the money at the Western Union office here in Ghana. The staff at the Western Union office said there's no such transfer. Could you send the transfer slip to me by scanning immediately to enable us present the slip at the Western Union office here in Ghana as evidence and proof of the payment? I have personally went to the Western Union website with the information you gave me to verify what Mr Nwanyanwu was telling me and I finally found out that there's no such payment. I am completely confused. You can as well visit the website yourself at www.westernunion.com, then you select Africa and click on Ghana, then apply the information you gave to us and you will notice that there was no such payment. If you really made the payment, kindly send without delay by attachment the payment slip so that Mr John will present it at the Western Union office as evidence. Yours sincerely, Dr Morris More From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: Please accept my sincere apologies Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 15:46:22 Dear Dr More, I was distraught to read in your email that Mr Nwanyanwu was unable to collect the money I had transferred to him at his Western Union agent. As soon as I read your email, I got in touch with my local Western Union agent and explained the problem to them. I spoke to the same charming young lady who dealt with me when I visited the office to transfer the money. She looked into the problem, and told me that due to a technical fault in the Western Union computer network, the money transfer had got "stuck in the system" (to use her words). If you will recall, I mentioned that she seemed to have problems putting the transfer through when I made it. Anyway, the young lady assures me that she has now solved the problem, and that the money transfer has now gone through correctly. I asked her if I would be able to check the Western Union website to view details of the transfer, and she told me that it can take up to two days for transfers to be registered online at the moment: apparently they have installed new computer software in their head office and they are having "teething troubles" (again, to use her own words). However, she assured me that the money transfer would now show up on any Western Union agent's computer screen. Therefore, if Mr Nwanyanwu goes to his local Western Union agent again, he will be now able to collect the money. The young lady apologised profusely. As well as passing on her apologies, I would like to apologise to you myself for any inconvenience this has caused you. However, as I am sure you can see, this problem has been caused by Western Union, not by me. Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to scan in the payment slip that the Western Union agent gave to me. However, I am expecting the Verger to pop in either later today or tomorrow morning. I will ask him to scan in the slip for me as soon as I see him, and send it on to you. Apologies once again, my good man. Kindly let me know as soon as Mr Nwanyanwu has collected the money. May God solve the problems in the Western Union computer network. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Progress update Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 17:24:57 Dear Mrs Gardner, I thought it best to keep you informed regarding developments. Dr More contacted me today and told me that Mr Nwanyanwu had been unable to collect the money from his Western Union agent. I got in touch with my local agent as soon as I heard this bad news to see if there was a problem. The agent looked into it and discovered that the money transfer had got held up in the system, due to a technical fault. Luckily, she was able to resolve the problem straight away. I contacted Dr More and explained this to him, giving him both my apologies and those of my Western Union agent. You will be pleased to hear that Mr Nwanyanwu will now be able to collect the money from his agent without any further problems. I have asked Dr More to inform me as soon as he has done so. I regret the delay this has caused, and I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news such as this. But as Saint Paul said in his letter to the Liverpudlians, "shoot ye not the messenger, our kid". God willing, I will be able to bring you better news tomorrow. May Jesus prevent the worms from burrowing into your coffin when you are dead and buried. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: I have attached the receipt Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 09:14:51 Dear Dr More, Please find attached the receipt from the Western Union transaction I made the other day: I am sorry it has taken so long to get it to you, but it has been difficult to get hold of the Verger over the past couple of days: he is a very busy man. Now then, has Mr Nwanyanwu collected the money from the Western Union agent yet? Please keep me informed, my good man. May the Good Lord bless you. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Another progress update, and another good idea from the Verger Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 09:17:09 Dear Mrs Gardner, Another progress update for you. I have just emailed a scanned copy of the Western Union receipt to Dr More, as he requested. I know that you asked me for a copy as well, for your records, but I didn't think it was worthwhile: as you're not going to be with us for much longer, you really shouldn't worry too much about keeping records. No doubt they'll all be thrown away when you're dead and gone. I have still not heard from Dr More whether he has collected the money. I am hoping to hear from him today. Regarding my organ, the Verger has come up with another first class idea. He told me that if I really wanted to publicise my organ, I should set up a website. The Verger tells me that he spends many long hours late at night surfing the internet, and that he has come across a large number of websites featuring people with unusually large organs. Apparently a lot of them are based in Sweden and Holland. The Verger tells me that if I set up a website containing photographs of me proudly displaying my organ, I could expect a large number of visitors. I am seriously considering the idea. I thought about calling it "www.gilbertslargeorgan.com". What do you think? May God pity you. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More Subject: Kindly let me know what is going on Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 13:49:38 Dear Dr More, I am concerned that I have not heard back from you yet. I can appreciate that you are probably a busy man, but your lack of communication is becoming rather irritating. Please respond to my email immediately and tell me whether Mr Nwanyanwu has picked up the money I transferred from his Western Union agent yet. I am keen to conclude this business as quickly as possible, and the constant delays from your end are becoming intolerable. May God grant you the good sense to reply to my emails with a touch more urgency. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More; Cc: Elizabeth Gardner Subject: Respond immediately, or Mr Abacha gets my business Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 17:36:10 Dear Dr More, I am now deeply concerned that I have not heard back from you. Perhaps I should not only worry about Mrs Gardner's health; perhaps I should worry about your health as well. Are you too sick to send me an email and let me know what is going on? I am sorry to say that I am so desperate to have my remarkably large organ seen to that if I have not heard from you by tomorrow morning, I shall be forced to travel into town, cancel the Western Union money transfer I made, and give up on this whole affair. God help me, but I simply cannot put up with the laziness and incompetence that you have shown throughout this affair. As I have already mentioned to Mrs Gardner, I have been approached by a delightful fellow called Abacha, who has put forward a very lucrative business proposal. Mr Abacha shows a good deal more professionalism than you have ever shown, and I have a mind to move forward with him. I have prayed for guidance, and God has suggested to me that this might be the best course of action for me. So, Dr More, either contact me immediately with a status report, or you can forget this whole business. May Jesus save you from an eternity in Hell. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Dr Morris More; Cc: Elizabeth Gardner; Babiker Adam Subject: I have had enough of your incompetence Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 12:05:52 Dear Dr More, I warned you yesterday that unless you replied to my email, I would cancel my Western Union money transfer and move forward with the alternative business proposal put forward by that nice Mr Abacha. As you have not responded, this is precisely what I have done. I travelled into town this morning, cancelled the transfer and paid the 6,500 back into the organ restoration fund. I am sure that Mrs Gardner will be deeply upset by the fact that your incompetence has caused this transaction to fail. If she's still alive, that is. As I have not heard from her for a while, she may well be pushing up the African daisies. I must say, this has been a very strange episode. A dying multi-millionaire widow in a hospital bed with constant internet access, a lawyer who is incapable of spelling his own name, a security company that can't even collect money from a Western Union office... what a bizarre bunch of people you are. The Verger has actually suggested that you might not be who you say you are, and that you might have been trying to defraud me of the money in my organ restoration fund. The more I think about it, the more I think this might be the case. As the Easter weekend is almost upon us, I will be spending the rest of the day composing my Easter Sunday sermon. I think I will give a topical sermon and talk about our Lord Jesus on the cross: a decent, honest man, surrounded on all sides by despicable criminals. Have you ever felt like you're surrounded on all sides by despicable criminals? I've been feeling like that a lot over the past couple of weeks. Ever since I started dealing with you, in fact. I shall think of you over Easter when I run my fingers over my magnificently large organ. May you learn the error of your ways. Either that, or look forward to everlasting torture in the unquenchable infernos of Hell. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray From: Babiker Adam To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: I have had enough of your incompetence Sent: Thu, 8 Apr 2004 04:32:24 -0700 (PDT) Fuck you. I've no business with you. From: Gilbert Murray To: Babiker Adam Subject: Shame on you, Mr Adam Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 14:06:31 Dear Mr Adam, Shame on you for addressing a man of God with such base language. I would not be surprised if the Devil inserts red hot pokers into your backside for eternity as a punishment for your wickedness. By the way, might I recommend that you obtain a book on basic spelling? You're going to have terrible problems in your legal business if you carry on spelling everything so badly. May God have mercy on your pathetic soul. Amen, Reverend Gilbert Murray Copyright 2003-2024 www.gilbertmurray.co.uk. All rights reserved. Copyright notice |
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