I have just read your email. It sounds to me as if you don't actually know much about what's going on in your own company. My bank has reported to me that the bank account that is being used by your revenue collector is being used for fraudulent purposes. Surely as a security company you should know if your employees are involved in anything criminal? Surely at the merest whiff of anything fraudulent, your procedures - and your modalities, whatever they are - should mean that you come down on the individual in question like a ton of bricks?

Well I want to know what you're planning to do about this, Mrs Okoye. At the very least, I presume that you are going to sack the individual in question. After all, the reputation of your security company is at stake. On top of that, I'm presuming that you're going to go to the police and report this crooked revenue collector.

Mind you, from reading between the lines of that BIAFRA report I sent you, it sounds as if the authorities are closing in fast already on your revenue collector and his criminal gang. And a good thing too, I'm sure you'd agree. String 'em up, that's what I say.

So, Mrs Okoye, what are you planning to do about this crooked individual? I demand to know.

Gilbert Murray

PS. There is no need for me to withdraw my money from that fraudster's bank account: my bank automatically stopped the transfer as soon as it became apparent that something was wrong. You'd have known that already if you'd have bothered to read my emails properly. Given that you work in the high pressure world of international security, you're not very meticulous, are you?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: So you think that the security company is involved in sponsoring terrorism, do you?

Sent: Mon, 08 May 2006 13:04:38

Dear Mr Mah,

So you think that the security company's agents are involved in sponsoring terrorism, do you? That's an appalling state of affairs, my friend! Why on earth are we getting involved with such a bunch of criminal scum?

And what about the fraudsters that were mentioned in the BIAFRA report? Do you think that the security company is riddled with fraudsters? Is that what you're telling me?

Something very fishy is going on around here Mr Mah. I repeat, I'm not prepared to transfer any more money to anybody until we've got to the bottom of it. I'm not prepared to condone the sponsoring of terrorism, and neither should you be, for God's sake!

I'm still not convinced that this security company is on the level. Do you think we should go to the police, Mr Mah? Do you? Well? DO YOU?

Gilbert Murray

From: Stella Okoye

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: HOLD ON

Sent: Mon, 08 May 2006 13:13:06 +0100

GLOBAL SECURITIES/FINANCE LIMITED
GLOBAL PLAZA
WUSE
ENUGU
NIGERIA
TEL/FAX: 042 882300

SIR,

HOLD ON.

Note that we have sent this unpleasant report to the Managing Director to look into and he is already making contacts with our mother company in China as delay in this may cause a detrimental impression to this honourable company.

We advise that you hold on and let him dig in to find out what is actually going on since this particular agent also has their main office in China.

Also be aware that this security company cannot and will never be a party to criminal activities and be rest assured that at the end if it is proven that such our agent has such criminal intentions that we shall stop our contract with them and at the same time let the Chinese authorities to get hold of them.

Our regrets.

Yours faithfully,

STELLA OKOYE (MRS)

Secretary to the Operations Manager

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: They cannot be

Sent: Mon, 08 May 2006 05:28:35 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

I really do not think that the security company can be supporting terrorism because that will be so bad of them. About two minutes ago I got their Operations Manager on his direct number and alerted him of this development and he sounded so bad though he is a Nigerian and a Christian by faith and he told me that from the time he was employed in the company that something of this sort has never happened and that whatever the case may be that their money collectors' agents may have the answer to this and that his manager who hails from Asia should know the agents.

Anyway, I am happy that your bank was fast to have noticed that the account was associated with terrorism or something like that and stopped the transfer but my friend this is a blessing to us, note that.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Stella Okoye; Cc: Williams Mbah

Subject: But what about the fraudsters in Africa?

Sent: Mon, 08 May 2006 14:20:02

Dear Mrs Okoye,

Thank you for your email. Although I am pleased to see that you have started to investigate this disgraceful lapse in security (one that is almost unforgiveable, given the fact that you are in fact a security company), from what you are saying, it sounds as if you are confining your investigation to your crooked associates in China.

Have you forgotten that the BIAFRA report referred to the fact that the account was "known to be used by West African 419 advance fee fraudsters"? This suggests to me that your crooked asian associate must have one or more contacts in West Africa... possibly within your own security company.

The way things stand at the moment, I am extremely disinclined to transfer any more money to your company. If it does indeed turn out to be riddled with fraudsters, what guarantee do I have that my money will be safe?

I think you need to widen the net of your investigation, Mrs Okoye. It sounds to me as if your company is rotten to the core. I for one will not be transferring any more money to your company until I am confident that you have taken steps to stamp out any hints of criminality throughout your organisation.

I need convincing that my money will be safe if I transfer it to you, Mrs Okoye. A signed statement from your Managing Director, guaranteeing the safety of my money, might do the trick.

The ball is in your court. I shall await developments.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Let us wait and see what the security company comes up with

Sent: Mon, 08 May 2006 14:25:42

Dear Mr Mah,

This whole affair has been a huge shock to me. To think that I came so close to sending my money to a fraudster... and one who was employed by a so-called "security company".

Mrs Okoye appears to be taking steps to get to the bottom of this matter. I am not convinced that she is doing enough, but all the same, I think we should do as she suggests and await the outcome of the security company's investigations.

I will be unavailable for the rest of the day: I have to attend the meetings that I postponed this morning. Hopefully when I check my emails again tomorrow morning, Mrs Okoye will have got back to me with some good news, and with the reassurance I have asked for.

If this affair proves anything, my friend, it's that you just can't trust anybody these days... present company excepted, of course.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: A SOLUTION

Sent: Mon, 08 May 2006 22:09:35 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Good morning. I had a restless night and I kept thinking about a solution out of this ugly situation and I think that there is a way out.

I suggest that since we already have an appointment with Mr Debie and the security company today that I should go on with the appointment to sign the final documents.

What I mean is that it will be good for you to write to the security company and openly tell them that you are sending the lawyer and your representative for the signing as agreed before with the processing fees cash. Tell them that you do not want to transfer any money through any account and that you want to pay them cash.

To this effect I will then go to my bank and get money from my account and hand it over to Mr Debie to pay for the processing fees.

Why I suggested this is because time waits for no man and I know what I have passed through in planning this deal and I do not want the security company's internal problem to affect my life and after all if we move this $40.5 million out of the security company we will have nothing to do with them again.

Please write to them this morning and inform them so that Mr Debie and I will conclude with them today.

Digest this suggestion because I believe it is a way out for us.

WILLIAMS

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WAITING

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 00:43:00 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Please where are you?

Get back to me let me know what step to take today.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Please clarify exactly what you mean

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 09:21:16

Dear Mr Mah,

Thank you for your email. I was so worried about what has happened with the security company that I too was barely able to sleep last night. My wife complained that she was finding it difficult to sleep as well, with me lying next to her tossing all the way through the night.

I'm afraid that I don't quite understand what you are suggesting. Are you suggesting that I don't transfer any money to the security company, but that you will withdraw the $9,700 from your bank account and pay the security company in person when you visit them today with Mr Debie? Is that what you are suggesting?

How is that possible, my friend? I thought you didn't have the $9,700. Given that last week we were scraping around to raise enough money to pay all the various fees relating to this transaction, how come you are suddenly able to withdraw $9,700 from your bank account to pay the security company? Where has this money suddenly appeared from? Or have I misunderstood you?

If this is indeed the case - that you do in fact now have the $9,700 readily available - then this is excellent news: we will be able to get the money to the security company without going through their crooked revenue collector.

Please get back to me as soon as you can with clarification so that I can write to Mrs Okoye and let her know what is going on. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: REMEMBER

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 02:10:50 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Have you forgot that last week I raised $10,000 from Joe my in law and raised $20,000 from the mortgage of my jeep?

Have you forgot that Joe later sent me $3,000 instead of the $6,500 he promised?

Have you forgot that my junior brother sent me $2,000?

Have you forgot that all this money is still intact with me waiting to be disbursed?

Why I suggested that I go on with the security company this morning is for us to move ahead so that if you send to me by Western Union later today I will use it to replace the $9,700 and the $8,500 for make up and pay to the diplomatic unit for transportation of the consignment.

Please think back and you will understand this arithmetic very well.

I suggested to move on with the security company this morning because of the delay in sending money to me.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: REMEMBERED

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 10:40:11

Dear Mr Mah,

Ah, now I see what you mean.

I do indeed remember that last week you raised $10,000 from Joe your in law and raised $20,000 from the mortgage of your jeep.

I do indeed remember that Joe later sent you $3,000 instead of the $6,500 he promised.

I do indeed remember that your junior brother sent you $2,000.

I do indeed remember that all this money is still intact with you waiting to be disbursed.

Now that I understand what you mean, I think you have come up with an excellent plan. I will contact Mrs Okoye immediately and let her know that she can expect you and Mr Debie sometime later this morning with the $9,700.

Do get back to me as soon as you have completed things with the security company... and please forward on scanned copies of all of the signed documentation once you and Mr Debie have finished your business.

I also expect to receive a scanned copy of a receipt, showing that the security company has received the $9,700 from you. I don't mind telling you that after everything that happened yesterday, I wouldn't trust the people in that security company as far as I could throw them. Whatever you do, DO NOT leave their offices without a receipt that you can send to me.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Stella Okoye; Cc: Williams Mbah

Subject: A change of plan

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 10:40:38

Dear Mrs Okoye,

There has been a change of plan. Rather than transferring the $9,700 to you via some other bank account which may or may not have been compromised by fraudsters and other criminals, I have arranged with Mr Debie, my lawyer, that he will bring you your fees in cash.

Therefore, please expect to see Mr Debie walk through your door (along with my associate, Mr Mah) later this morning to sign all of the relevant paperwork and to hand over your fees to you.

Please ensure that you give Mr Debie and my associate a receipt for the $9,700. I have instructed them to forward me a copy of the receipt as soon as they have completed their business with you.

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANK YOU

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 03:01:55 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Now that I have put you clear, go and send to me in my name as I guided you yesterday the $9,700 and $8,500 so that as soon as I come back from the security company then I will proceed with the security company to pay their $38,000 for the transportation of the consignment to Madrid because as far as I am concerned Thursday is still a reality to be in Spain.

You can send the money in two instalments of $9,000 and $9,200.

Please do this immediately so that I will pick them up as soon as I come back.

WILLIAMS

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WE ARE GOING NOW

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 04:45:39 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Mr Debie has arrived in Enugu and I am going to meet up with him. From there we will proceed and I hope to give you good news before the end of today.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Don't forget to get a receipt

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 13:16:38

Dear Mr Mah,

That is excellent news. Good luck to you both at the security company... and whatever you do, don't come away without a receipt from them. I want to see a copy of that - and of the documents that Mr Debie signs - before we go any further, to ensure that things are on track.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: How did it go at the security company?

Sent: Tue, 09 May 2006 16:24:18

Dear Mr Mah,

How did it go at the security company? Did things run smoothly for you and Mr Debie? I do hope that the security company staff didn't have any suspicions about my relationship with your dead boss. Presumably if they did, Mr Debie was able to persuade them that we were indeed related.

I am looking forward to receiving the scanned copies of the signed documents and the receipt from you. I've got to leave the brewery now to interview a potential new Marketing Manager, and I won't be back in the office until the morning. I look forward to perusing the documents first thing tomorrow.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Good news: my credit controllers, Grant and Phil, have just got back. They've done an excellent job of persuading some of my creditors to pay up - it's amazing how persuasive two large men with baseball bats can be - and as they collected in cash as instructed, we now definitely have all of the money that we require to complete this transaction.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Did everything go to plan?

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 08:57:19

Dear Mr Mah,

How did it go at the security company? I'm surprised that you didn't get back to me yesterday to give me a progress update. Did Mr Debie get all the documentation signed as planned?

Get back to me as soon as you can, my friend - with scanned copies of the documentation and the receipt from the security company: I'm on tenterhooks here, waiting to find out if everything went well.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Attached is the receipt

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 01:01:31 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR GILBERT,

Good morning. Yesterday was fine and smooth.

We excelled through, there were no stumbling blocks.

The booklet where the forms and documents signed are with me now and I will come along with it to Madrid and there is no need tearing them to be able to scan.

The consignment is waiting for lifting and you must send the required money this morning as I directed you yesterday so that I will pick them up and make up for the $38,000 to pay to the diplomatic unit.

Attached is the receipt from the security company.

I also completed Mr Debie's fees yesterday and he promised to send to me the receipt by email attachment this morning as soon as he gets to his office and I also gave him your own email address so that he will forward it to you.

Please do not waste time to get back to me with the details of the Western Union transfer.

WILLIAMS

(Click to enlarge)

From: John Debie

To: Williams Mbah; Cc: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM MR JOHN DEBIE

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 01:32:17 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR MR WILLIAMS,

Find attached the cash receipt as we agreed yesterday. I also sent across the receipt to Mr Gilbert as you suggested.

The original will come to you today by IFEX COURIER SERVICE so please keep us informed as soon as you pick it.

Thanks a lot for your understanding.

Kind regards,

Debie JU

(Click to enlarge)

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: OK

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 01:50:54 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Please confirm to me if you received the receipt from the security company and also the one I forwarded to you from MR DEBIE.

I will come along with me the booklet containing the forms and documents to Madrid because there is no need tearing it to scan.

I am waiting for you to get back to me with Western Union details to enable me to pay the diplomatic unit today.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: I will go straight to the Western Union office

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 09:53:53

Dear Mr Mah,

Thank you for your email. I'm delighted to hear that things went well yesterday. Please give Mr Debie a pat on the head from me when you see him by way of thanks.

Thank you also for sending me a copy of the receipt. I trust that you can understand why I was so keen to see it: after what happened the other day, I don't trust that security company at all. I'll be happy when we've concluded our business and we don't have to have anything more to do with them. I received the copy of Mr Debie's receipt too, by the way.

I was extremely disappointed to see that you hadn't scanned in the rest of the documentation as I requested. Still, as long as you bring the documents along with you to Madrid, I suppose that will be alright.

Right, to business. I will go straight to the Western Union office to transfer the money to you. I'll get back to you as soon as I return. My nearest Western Union agent is quite some distance away, so I might be some time: I will probably be away for most of the morning.

I don't mind telling you that I'm getting very excited now: I feel as if I can almost taste the money!

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WAITING

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 02:00:20 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Please remember to transfer the money in two instalments as follows: $9,200 and $9,000.

Just tell the agents that you are sending the money to your schoolmate that resides in Africa. Do not go discussing much with them or telling them about this deal.

NAME: WILLIAMS MBAH
ADDRESS: ENUGU, NIGERIA
TEST QUESTION: WHAT IS YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT NUMBER?
ANSWER: A2636050

I am waiting.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: A major problem

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 11:48:41

Dear Mr Mah,

I've just got back from my nearest Western Union office - which isn't actually very near at all - and I'm afraid there's a major problem: I won't be able to transfer the money to you via Western Union.

I explained to the Western Union agent that I wanted to transfer a large amount of money to someone in Nigeria, but the agent told me straight away that I wouldn't be able to. Apparently there is a 500 limit on the amount anyone can transfer from the UK to someone in Nigeria within a thirty day period. The Western Union agent told me that this limit had been introduced to cut down on the number of fraudulent transactions that originate from Nigeria that involve Western Union transactions.

She handed me a leaflet called "Consumer Fraud Awareness" which explained all about it. I've had a quick read through it, and by the sound of it there are an awful lot of fraudsters over there in Nigeria. It must make you feel terribly ashamed to know that there are so many criminal scumbags in Nigeria who are besmirching the good name of your country around the world.

Once she had handed me the leaflet, the Western Union agent started asking me an awful lot of questions about who I was transferring all this money to. I may have been mistaken, my friend, but I got the distinct impression that she thought that I was in danger of falling victim to a fraudster! Of course, I laughed off her concerns, and assured her that I would trust the person I was transferring money to with my life.

Anyway, that's beside the point. What concerns me is that I won't be able to use Western Union to transfer this money to you. Well, I could do, but as I can only transfer 500 every thirty days, I reckon that it would take me about a year and a half to get all of the money to you! And I don't think the security company will be willing to wait that long for us.

I do have a suggestion though. If you can persuade the diplomatic unit to accept cash on delivery, I could bring the money with me to Madrid - in cash - and we could pay them when we collect the consignment.

That wouldn't be a problem for me; I've withdrawn the money from the bank already and it's sitting here in my desk drawer. What do you reckon, Mr Mah? Do you think you'll be able to persuade the diplomatic unit to accept cash on delivery? Or do you have a better idea?

Please get back to me as soon as you can: this is extrememly troubling. What's more, we're supposed to be in Madrid tomorrow, but I still haven't booked myself a ticket. If the diplomatic unit can still make the delivery to Madrid tomorrow, we need to get things sorted out as quickly as we can so that I can get myself a last minute ticket.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Just relax

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 04:23:09 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

In order not to waste more time I am going off now to pick a local flight to Abuja to discuss this issue with the diplomatic unit and if they agree I will pay to them with the leftover in my account and then ask them to hold on so that we pay them cash on delivery in Madrid.

Just go back to the Western Union office and transfer 500 to me now so that I will use it to get the stamp duty in Abuja.

I hope that by the time I get to Abuja in the next 1 hour 30 minutes you must have transferred it.

I will get back to you after discussing with their boss through a nearby internet centre there.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: You've never mentioned stamp duty before

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 12:42:23

Dear Mr Mah,

Thank you for your email. I'm glad to hear that you seem confident that you will be able to persuade the diplomatic unit to accept cash on delivery.

However, what's all this about stamp duty? You've never mentioned this to me before. Is this some new charge that we've got to pay? Given that we're strapped for cash anyway, I must insist that you tell me about any new charges that come our way as soon as you are aware of them: we can ill afford to pay anything extra.

Unfortunately, it's not going to be possible for me to go back to the Western Union office today; as I have told you on a number of occasions, it's actually quite some distance away from me, and I have meetings that I simply cannot afford to miss this afternoon.

However, this shouldn't be a problem for us. Have you forgotten that last week you raised $10,000 from Joe your in law and raised $20,000 from the mortgage of your jeep?

Have you forgotten that Joe later sent you $3,000 instead of the $6,500 he promised?

Have you forgotten that your junior brother sent you $2,000?

Have you forgotten that apart from the $30,700 you paid out yesterday to Mr Debie and the security company, this money is still intact with you waiting to be disbursed?

By my reckoning, you must still have a good few thousand dollars in your bank account, so you can easily afford to pay for this stamp duty yourself: you don't need me to transfer 500 to you.

Now then, Mr Mah, please get back to me as soon as you can this afternoon and let me know if we're still on for a meeting tomorrow in Madrid. If you ask me, we're cutting it a bit fine. Personally, I think we'd be better off postponing things for a couple of days to enable us to make proper arrangements. I mean, neither of us have actually booked our flight tickets to Madrid yet. What do you reckon? Should we put it off until next week?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WE ARE STILL GOING

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 06:36:36 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Things are not going bad anyway.

Mr Paya who is heading the unit said that their payment must be complete for them to deliver the consignment for us and he accepted the conditions that I pay to them here if I can but I explained to him that I am only representing you who is the beneficiary to the family treasures so we made the agreement that I will pay to them today the $18,000 remaining in my account cash and then you transfer to his account today the remaining $20,000 for them to carry on the transportation.

He gave me the account to be transferred the money into in Madrid, Spain as follows:

BANK NAME: LA CAIXA
ACCOUNT/IBAN: ES 8221004810192000003400
BIC/SWIFT: CAIXESBBXXX
ACCOUNT HOLDER: MANUEL MICHEAL PAYA
ADDRESS: CALLE VICTORIA 2, 28001, MADRID, SPAIN

Please for us to be on the fast side try and transfer the $20,000 to his account today and let me have the slip by attachment so that I will give it to him here in Abuja handy because what it means is that I will stay back here till you send to me the transfer slip to enable me to hand it over to him because after writing this mail to you I will take his second to the nearest branch of my bank here in Abuja and pay them the $18,000 that is left there in my domiciliary account (my dollar account).

WILLIAMS

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THIS IS TO PUT YOU CLEAR

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 06:39:01 -0700 (PDT)

This mail is to put you clear.

Remember that before paying $9,700 to the security company yesterday that I had a total of $35,000 in my account. And after paying $9,700 I paid $6,000 to complete Debie's fees.

Remember that I had paid Debie $15,000 as a deposit for this work which he said that he will not give me a receipt until I complete his fees so yesterday I completed it by paying $6,000 to him after the signing of the documents.

I have to put you clear so that you do not get confused because you thought that I paid Debie's complete money from the $35,000. I only spent $15,700 out of it yesterday. The $15,000 that I used to pay to Debie last week was from my savings.

I gave you these details so that you don't get confused.

All that we need now is for you to transfer to the diplomat's account $20,000 to complete for the transportation cost and let me have the slip to hand over to them here before I go back to Enugu to get prepared for Madrid.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Your email has only served to confuse matters

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 15:47:03

Dear Mr Mah,

Thank you for your email. I am glad to hear that you arrived safely in Abuja, despite the lamentable safety record of your country's airlines. No doubt your heart must be in your mouth each time the plane jolts, not knowing whether you are about to fall straight to the ground like a stone or whether you have merely hit a spot of turbulence.

Now then, you say that the diplomat is demanding cash in hand before he will arrange for the transfer of the consignment. Well if I transfer the money into his bank account, he won't have cash in hand; my bank has advised me that it takes between three to seven working days for international bank transfers to be completed. This means that even if I transferred the money today, it might not appear in his account for over a week.

If you ask me, it would be far better for me to take the cash with me to Madrid and to hand it over to the diplomat in person. It would be easier for all of us... and much quicker too. Transferring the money into his bank account would take far too long.

As for the question of money, I'm sorry to say that your attempt to clarify the situation has only served to confuse matters further. You said in your last email that I need to come up with $20,000 to complete this transaction. But up until then, I was only expecting to have to pay $18,200.

How has this amount suddenly increased from $18,200 to $20,000, Mr Mah? I'm having to effectively steal money out of the brewery's current account as it is to come up with the $18,200... I certainly can't afford an extra $1,800!

I thought you had the rest of the money, Mr Mah. What's happened to it? Why are we suddenly $1,800 down? You haven't squandered it on wine, women and song, have you? This money is important, for heaven's sake: the success of this transaction rests on it! We can't afford to have you go pissing $1,800 up the wall right in the middle of things!

Furthermore, it's all very well for you to tell me that we are still going to Madrid tomorrow, but let us look at the facts of the matter:

We are still not sure whether or not the consignment is actually going to be delivered to Madrid tomorrow. Unless the diplomatic unit will agree to accept cash in hand, it's looking as if it won't be.
Neither of us have booked plane tickets yet.
Absolutely no arrangements have been made for meeting up in Madrid... with each other, or with the diplomatic unit.

I am sorry, Mr Mah, but this is turning into a complete shambles. If you don't mind me saying so, your organisational skills leave something to be desired.

Well, first things first: the money. I can only come up with $18,200. I cannot come up with a penny more. Do you have the rest of the money that we need to complete this business, or not? Because if you don't have it, we're stumped.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. What on earth is a Spaniard doing working as a diplomat for the Nigerian presidency anyway?

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 08:45:32 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

This is not the time for you to be laying blames on me after all I have been very careful in spending the monies that I got.

I am just coming out from the bank and what was left in my domicilliary account was $19,000, out of which I withdrew and paid $18,000 to him.

Please Gilbert, even though that you are not here but you can still imagine what I am going through trying to put things in order. Listen to me, please find means and transfer to their account the $20,000 today so that this deal will be concluded this week because from what I am seeing we are not moving tomorrow but let it not exceed this weekend so that by this time next week we shall be resting and talking of investment.

To make things easier, take that money to another bank and transfer it. Do not use the online bank because it seems that they delay in transfers. Use a ground bank instead and not online so that we can be fast.

I am waiting for the slip please.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: So, we are not going to Madrid tomorrow after all

Sent: Wed, 10 May 2006 16:59:12

Dear Mr Mah,

So, we are not going to Madrid tomorrow after all. Didn't I tell you that I thought we were rushing ahead of ourselves? In fact I've told you that on a number of occasions if my memory serves me correctly.

Look, Mr Mah, I'm getting sick of all these long emails that don't seem to get us anywhere. Let us cut to the chase. Here are the facts:

I don't have $20,000; as I have told you on a number of occasions, I only have $18,200. We are now $1,800 down for some reason, and that's nothing to do with me. What have you done with the money? If you've squandered it on gin, whores and the like, that's your problem. I can only afford $18,200 and not a penny more. You will have to make up the rest.
My views of transferring money overseas from one bank account to another have been clouded somewhat by the unfortunate incident this week involving that Chinese scoundrel's bank account. I am therefore - understandably in my view - extremely wary about transferring money into another stranger's bank account. I would much rather hand over the money in person.

I have the cash here in my desk drawer, Mr Mah. If you can come up with the $1,800 that you seem to have somehow squandered, and if you can persuade the diplomat to accept cash in hand as I suggested, then I will hand over the cash to him in Madrid. That would be far simpler and far quicker than transferring the money from bank to bank.

It's up to you now, Mr Mah. Go back to this Paya chap and use your powers of persuasion to get him to accept cash on delivery. Then we can make arrangements to travel to Madrid one day next week and complete this business.

I am going out for the evening, so I won't be checking my emails again until the morning. Hopefully you will have some good news for me by then.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent urgent

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 01:12:31 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Good morning. Please as soon as you read this mail kindly write to the security company and inform them officially that diplomats from the diplomatic unit of the presidency headed by Mr Manuel Paya will be arriving in their office at 10am this morning to lift your inherited family treasures for delivery to Madrid, Spain.

Get yourself ready to be in Madrid tomorrow (12/05/06) because I will be arriving late because of distance.

All you need to do is to get your ticket ready this morning and tidy up anything that might delay you because the consignment will leaving in your name and you are supposed to be there ready before any other person for clearing, signing and collection.

Later this morning I will give you the procedures on how we will meet in Madrid because the diplomats said that they will give me phone numbers and the hotel address where we shall meet with proper directions so do not worry about this.

Please note that this is the last stage and that we are all here in Abuja all through the night tidying the process.

Gilbert, I have longed to meet you in person and in less than 24 hours from now we shall be jubilating.

Get your ticket now and let me have your flight name and arrival time so that I will let them know.

WILLIAMS

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: DIRECTIVES

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 01:13:48 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

This is directives on how things will work out for us.

I agreed with the diplomats that on arrival that we will hand over to them the remaining $18,500 as I will give them $1,000 this morning when we get to Enugu because they have waived the $500 on top after my pressures and a lot of explanations yesterday night.

Please Gilbert, do not go about engaging them in arguments because they are considerate enough to have agreed with me to this extent. Please take note to have 100% co-operation with them because they will give us all the assistance we may need until the funds are lodged in a bank in Madrid.

I agreed with them that they will give me details of a hotel and phone numbers and an address of how we will meet on arrival and I will forward to you all these details later today.

Please note that as soon as you meet with them that you will hand over to them the remaining $18,500 before they will release the consignment to us. According to them they will use part of it to clear the consignment and pay for landing tax there because this is why they charged us up to $38,000 to deliver to us the consignment.

Please note that this time you and I need 100% co-operation because for me I am looking at myself as a millionaire now.

Gilbert, my days of lacking money has expired and I am now a millionaire.

I will see you tomorrow.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: This is excellent news!

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 09:51:16

Dear Mr Mah,

This is excellent news! Thank heavens that you were able to persuade the diplomats to accept cash on delivery! I knew you'd be able to do it if you tried hard enough, my friend. Well done!

This is all terribly exciting. I will write to Mrs Okoye immediately and inform her that Mr Paya and his associates will be collecting the consignment this morning.

I have cancelled all of my meetings for tomorrow. But before I go ahead and book a flight to Madrid, I will need to know what time I need to get there, and how long I will need to be in Madrid for: will I be able to fly home later tomorrow, or should I leave my return flight open? I have a good mind to leave the flight open so that you and I can have a night out on the town in order to celebrate our good fortune. Please advise me about this as soon as you can.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Stella Okoye

Subject: Information

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 09:53:55

Dear Mrs Okoye,

Please be advised that diplomats from the diplomatic unit of the presidency headed by Mr Manuel Paya will be arriving in your office at 10am this morning to collect my inherited family treasures for delivery to Madrid, Spain. I would appreciate it if you could give them all the assistance they require.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. How are your investigations into that fraudster going? Have you handed the man over to the Chinese authorities yet?

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SO FAR

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 02:54:01 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Please note that we will be in Madrid for not more than 48 hours and I want you to make sure that you arrive Madrid at the early hours of tomorrow because the diplomats are leaving today so that you will be with them before my own arrival.

You are the principal person now because the consignment is in your name and you are the person to hand over the $18,500 to them.

I am waiting for them to communicate me with the details of how you will locate them on arrival and I will detail you also.

Please go straight and get your ticket and let me have your travel details so that I will also let them know.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: I have booked a flight to Madrid

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 11:28:56

Dear Mr Mah,

Thank you for your email. As soon as I received it I logged on to British Airways' website to book myself a flight to Madrid.

You told me to get there as early as possible. Well, the first flight tomorrow doesn't get into Madrid until nearly midday, so I have actually booked myself onto a flight later today that gets into Madrid late this evening. I have booked myself onto British Airways flight number BA0462, which leaves London Heathrow at 19:50 this evening and arrives in Madrid at 23:00 (local time). I have left my return flight open so that I can travel back whenever is suitable.

Tell me, Mr Mah, who will I be meeting in Madrid? And what time do you think you will be able to arrive in the city tomorrow? I thought maybe we could go out for a meal and a few drinks tomorrow night to celebrate. We will certainly have a lot to celebrate! What do you think?

Please let me know as soon as you receive more information from the diplomatic unit: I will need to know who to look out for.

Given that the diplomats are travelling today, do you think there is any chance that they could meet me at the airport when my flight comes in tonight? I'm terrible at foreign languages and it would make it a lot easier for me if they could. Perhaps they would be willing to take me to a decent hotel - perhaps the one where they will be staying - ready for us to conduct our business in the morning?

It would be useful if you could send me the contact details of the diplomats. Well, come to think of it, send me as much information as you possibly can, to make things easier.

I am so excited, Mr Mah! This time tomorrow we will be millionaires! The first drinks tomorrow night will be on me, my friend!

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Please get back to me as soon as you can, my friend: I will have to leave midway through the afternoon to get down to Heathrow in time for my flight.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: I need those details from you urgently

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 13:57:17

Dear Mr Mah,

I am distressed to see that you haven't yet got back to me yet with details of who I will be meeting in Madrid - and when and where I will be meeting them.

I need to leave for my flight in two hours, Mr Mah, so you need to get back to me before then with details of the arrangements you have made.

I will take my laptop with me, so we should be able to keep in touch by email during my travels, but I need to know the basics before I leave. First and foremost, will somebody be able to meet me at the airport tonight?

I am waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Contact in Madrid

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 06:09:08 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR GILBERT,

They have concluded with the security company and they are now boarding at the PORT HARCOURT INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. It will take them at least five hours from now to land.

Below is the hotel where they want you to call now and make reservations for the two of us.

NH Mercader

Crta Villaverde-Vallecas Km 3,800, 28053 Madrid

Tel: +34-917-866-320

Overview

Photos

How to Book or Cancel

Guest reviews

More photos

Score from 29 reviews: 8.5

Newly built hotel located in the vicinity of Mercamadrid, the biggest food supplying centre of Madrid. Very close to the M40 highway, offering easy access to the city, the airport and other roads. The hotel has 124 fully equipped rooms, fitness room, sauna and jacuzzi.

Rooms: 124

Hotel Chain: NH Hoteles

Availability: please enter the dates of your stay to check availability

When would you like to stay?

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: More info

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 06:10:30 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Please they instructed that as soon as you land in Madrid and check into the hotel that I sent to you in my last mail that you should contact me on phone and email and let me have your hotel room and phone number so that they will come and take you.

My phone number remains +234-80-59881154.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Kindly answer my questions

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 14:23:12

Dear Mr Mah,

What was that tripe you sent me about hotel photos and reviews and such? If you are going to copy and paste information from a website, at least take the time to get rid of any extraneous information before you send it to me.

And how on earth do you expect me to phone ahead and book a hotel room when you know that my telephone is out of action? Your telephone is in full working order, so why not make life easier for us, my friend? You call the hotel and book us a couple of rooms.

Besides, all this stuff about hotels is nonsense. You haven't answered my questions. Who will I be meeting in Madrid? I want names and descriptions to help me to recognise them. And when will you be arriving in Madrid, my friend? Have you booked your flight yet? Send me your flight details immediately.

And most importantly, I asked you to see if there was any chance that the diplomats could meet me at the airport. They're going to be arriving in Madrid considerably earlier than I am, so presumably this won't be a problem for them. I presume that you have their contact details. Well kindly contact them and instruct them to meet me at the airport when my flight lands at 23:00 tonight. I'm no good on my own in a foreign country and I tend to get rather confused by everyone gabbling at me in a foreign language.

I shall expect to be find the diplomats waiting for me in the arrivals hall when I touch down in Madrid. Now send me their names and descriptions at once.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Let me know when you've reserved us our hotel rooms, won't you? If you put the rooms on your credit card we can sort it out when we meet up.

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: More info

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 07:16:11 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

JAMES IGWE is the diplomat you will meet in Madrid.

He instructed that you copy out the hotel address and give it to any taxi driver on your arrival and the taxi driver will bring you to the hotel for you to check in.

He made me understand that they will not go out to pick you up on arrival and that they will be close to the consignment to avoid misplacements and any unforeseen cases.

He instructed that once you arrive and pick any taxi and give the taxi the hotel name and address that you will arrive at the hotel safely and check in.

Right now I am going to pick up my passport from my travel agency to be able to know the ticket he bought and flight time but I know that I will land in Madrid on time tomorrow.

Please do not leave the reservation for me because I still have many other things to tidy here so that you don't be stranded please.

The hotel address again:

NH Mercader, Crta Villaverde-Vallecas Km 3,800, 28053 Madrid

Tel: +34-917-866-320

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Please send me Mr Wigwe's contact details

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 15:53:42

Dear Mr Mah,

Thank you for your email. I am disappointed to hear that the diplomats will not be there to meet me when my flight lands in Madrid. As I said before, I don't speak any Spanish and I do tend to get rather flustered when I find myself in a foreign country where nobody speaks my language. I suppose I will just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Nevertheless, provided I manage to find the hotel without any problems, I should be able to meet up with Mr Wigwe tomorrow morning. As I am arriving in Madrid so late tonight, I won't email you after I land until tomorrow morning; I'll probably be so tired when I arrive that all I will want to do is fall into my bed and go straight to sleep.

It might be useful if you could send me Mr Wigwe's direct contact details though... and will I be meeting up with Mr Paya as well?

As it happens, I was chatting to one of our forklift truck drivers just now and I mentioned that I was travelling over to Spain later today. When I mentioned that I was worried about not speaking a word of Spanish, he told me that he'd been to Spain quite a few times, and he very helpfully wrote down a few handy Spanish phrases that he thought might come in useful over the next few days:

Soy Gilbert, mama mi pene, tu zorra sucia - My name is Gilbert, and I would like a room.
Ola, tu esta un loco necio - Hello, I am pleased to meet you.
Pon su tetillas en mi boca - A cup of coffee, please.
Beba mi urina, tu mono afeminado - I am looking for the toilet.
Quiero eyacular en el bolso de su madre - I would like a table for two.

What a helpful chap he is. I'm sure those phrases will come in very useful. Perhaps you would like to make a note of them too for when you arrive in Madrid tomorrow?

I am just going to finish off here, then I am going to leave for the airport. I look forward very much to meeting you tomorrow, Mr Mah.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave making the hotel reservations to you: for one thing I've got no phone and for another thing I'm just about to leave for the airport.

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FORWARD

Sent: Thu, 11 May 2006 18:53:39 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

I read this your mail when you must have gone or on the air.

You forgot that this is Africa where we do not operate credit cards like Europe or America.

Up till this moment I have not gotten any other information yet from the diplomats but I know that when I wake up from bed in the morning that they must have written me but my agreements with them is that since you will land before me that you have to give to me your room number and your room phone number so that they will contact you and meet up with you before my arrival.

From the look of things you people will be on business before my arrival and my arrival will be for our celebration and travelling back together to Lincolnshire.

Please as soon as you wake up forward me the details of how they will meet up with you so that if they contact me early morning I will give to them for them to meet up with you.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Please send Mr Wigwe to meet me at once

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 08:45:21

Dear Mr Mah,

Well, here I am in Spain. I don't mind telling you that I haven't had a very easy time of it so far. My flight arrived on time, and I found a taxi driver without any problems. My problems began when I arrived at the hotel.

It was gone midnight by the time I got there. I introduced myself to the chap on reception, using one of the phrases that my forklift truck driver had taught me. I couldn't work out what the man said in response to me, but I know for a fact that it wasn't anything pleasant. He was terribly rude for some reason.

I then found to my dismay that you hadn't made any reservations for us! What were you thinking of, Mr Mah? I told you I wouldn't be able to do that myself, so I was relying on you there. Do I have to do everything myself? Anyway, when I told the chap on reception that I would like a room (using another one of my forklift driver's handy phrases), he gave me such a black look that I thought for a moment that he was going to strike me! He was so unpleasant to me that I decided to leave and find myself another hotel.

I hailed another taxi, and asked the driver (who just about understood English) to take me to another good hotel. And that is how I ended up here, at the Hotel Silken Puerta Castilla on the Paseo de la Castellana.

It was extremely late when I arrived here. When I introduced myself to the receptionist and told her that I would like a room, I found to my surprise that she was just as rude and unpleasant as the receptionist at the NH Mercader. Perhaps it is a Spanish trait. Who knows? Anyway, I was tired out, so I persevered and - ignoring the glares of the receptionist - I booked myself a room for the night.

Thankfully I slept very well, so I am feeling well refreshed and ready to meet the challenges of the day. I have just finished my breakfast and checked out of the hotel. I am currently waiting in the hotel lounge with my luggage, and with a briefcase containing the money.

Hopefully when you arrive in Madrid we will be able to find ourselves a hotel where the staff aren't quite so surly and insolent. Even the waitress was giving me black looks at breakfast, when all I did was ask her for a table for two and a cup of coffee. What is it with these people? I'm certainly not staying in this hotel for another night, that's for certain.

Anyway, please contact Mr Wigwe and ask him to meet me here in the hotel lounge as soon as possible. Please tell Mr Wigwe to hurry: I feel uncomfortable sitting here with such a large amount of money on me. The sooner I can get it off my hands and safely into Mr Wigwe's custody, the better.

Please tell Mr Wigwe that he will be able to recognise me as I am wearing a dark business suit with a white shirt. Please tell him to be as quick as he can.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. What time does your flight leave for Madrid? What time will I see you today, my friend?

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 03:31:50 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Please hold on for me because I will arrive with evening flight.

I got across to the diplomatic unit to get information and I was told that they are still trying to bring out the consignment to come and meet with you.

They instructed that you should check into a hotel room and send to me by mail immediately the hotel name, hotel room number and hotel phone number because they cannot transact with you in a hotel lounge.

Please no matter what the condition is check into a hotel room and forward to me the details as they requested so that we will have a smooth transaction.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: I'm not staying another night in this hotel

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 11:50:16

Dear Mr Mah,

I am not a happy man. I have been waiting here in this hotel lounge all morning, and Mr Wigwe still hasn't had the courtesy to show up.

I have already told you that I am not prepared to stay another night in this hotel; the staff have all been extremely rude to me. Why, I asked the concierge where the toilets were a while ago (using another one of the phrases that my forklift truck driver helpfully wrote out for me) and the man swore at me and looked as if he was about to punch me. I really don't know what their problem is. I had to find the toilets myself in the end.

And what on earth does Mr Wigwe mean when he says that he cannot carry out this transaction in the hotel lounge? It's a very nice lounge. It's very spacious, and there have been a number of other business people coming in and out throughout the morning, none of whom seem to have had any problem at all conducting their business here.

In fact, I got talking a bit earlier to a very nice Nigerian chap called Mr Adaba. What a coincidence, to bump into another Nigerian here in Spain. He put forward what sounded like a very attractive business proposition. It was a shame that I wasn't able to take him up on his offer. It sounded as if it would have been extremely lucrative.

My patience is running out, Mr Mbah. I repeat, I am in the lounge of the Hotel Silken Puerta Castilla on the Paseo de la Castellana. Kindly inform Mr Wigwe to make his way here immediately. It's very rude of him to keep me waiting like this.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. What time does your flight get in? Send me the details at once. We need to make arrangements to meet up tonight.

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 04:27:54 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

The instruction is that you check into a hotel room and stay in there for them to come and meet with you.

Please follow the instruction given to you. Do not do things the way you like.

These diplomats know why they asked you to check into a room.

Understand that unless you do what they say and follow their instructions that they will not meet with you.

Please I beg of you to co-operate with them so that I don't regret over this deal.

Please do exactly as they instructed.

WILLIAMS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: I am sick and tired of all this messing about

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 12:41:53

Mr Mah,

I am sick and tired of all this messing about. I am not, repeat not, wasting my money by booking myself into this damn hotel for another night. The staff are just too insolent.

I cannot for the life of me see why Mr Wigwe is insisting on meeting me in a hotel room. There are plenty of quiet corners in the hotel lounge where we can conduct our business in private.

I am quickly losing patience. Tell Mr Wigwe to make his way to the hotel to meet up with me AT ONCE, and let's have no more of these ridiculous delays.

If he's not here within an hour and a half, I am seriously tempted to get in touch with Mr Adaba and pursue the proposal he put to me this morning.

I am off to get some lunch. Mr Wigwe had better be here when I return... or else.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Period

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 04:52:08 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

If you cannot do as you were told then you can go back to Lincolnshire.

From: Williams Mbah

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FOLLOW THIS

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 05:07:06 -0700 (PDT)

GILBERT,

Simply go to the hotel they directed you yesterday and check in if you have come to receive the consignment and this your behaviour is suspicious to me.

I feel you have another thing at the back of your mind.

Do you have the intention to run away with the consignment before my arrival or what?

I have instructed to them not to release it to you until you go back to the hotel that was given to you yesterday and check in and let me have your room number and phone number of the room.

I demand that you call me now so that we talk or else no business between us.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: How dare you address me like that?

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 14:22:38

Mr Mah,

How dare you address me like that? We are supposed to be business partners, for heaven's sake, you you are addressing me as if you are addressing a small child.

And how dare you accuse me of wanting to steal this consignment? How dare you accuse me of having dishonest intentions. I am as honest a man as you are, Mr Mah.

And as for my behaviour being suspicious, if anyone's behaviour here is suspicious, it's yours and Mr Wigwe's. You, for one thing, are supposed to be travelling over here to meet me in Madrid today, but despite me asking you on numerous occasions, you have consistently failed to provide me with details of the flight you are supposed to be taking... and you are showing no sign whatsoever of leaving for the airport. Are you coming to Madrid, or not?

As for Mr Wigwe, why the hell won't this tedious little man come and meet me in the hotel lounge? I cannot think of a better place in which to conduct business: it is comfortable, spacious, and discreet. Why is he insisting on meeting me in a hotel room? That makes me suspicious of what his intentions are: what is he planning that he can't do in public?

I did actually think that Mr Wigwe had deigned to turn up a little while ago, when a short, sweaty, smelly man in a cheap and dirty suit shambled his way over to me and started gibbering at me incomprehenibly. But he turned out to be nothing but a passing vagrant, so the hotel staff threw him out into the street.

Funnily enough, I got chatting to another Nigerian fellow over lunch: a chap called Abacha. As it turns out, he too has a very profitable business proposal which he explained to me over a shared dish of paella. I'll tell you what, Mr Mah, you Nigerians with lucrative business proposals are like buses: you can wait around for ages without seeing one, and then three turn up together.

Well, I don't mind telling you that Mr Abacha's business proposal sounds extremely tempting... and as I'm over here in Spain with a briefcase full of cash - and as Mr Wigwe shows no sign whatsoever of wanting to do business with me - I am very tempted to drop this transaction of yours and move forward with Mr Abacha instead.

But I have decided to give you and Mr Wigwe one last chance. I have told Mr Abacha to come back two hours from now. If Mr Wigwe still hasn't shown up by then, I will take up Mr Abacha's proposal.

It's up to you, Mr Mah. Either you instruct Mr Wigwe to get his lazy arse down here on the double, or you can wave goodbye to me and my money.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Mr Wigwe has twenty minutes left to get here

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 16:01:54

Mr Mah,

The two hours is nearly up, and there is still no sign of Mr Wigwe. I can't believe that we're paying this chap $38,000 to deliver this consignment when the lazy tike can't even be bothered to drag his fat arse across town to come and meet me.

Well Mr Wigwe only has twenty minutes left. After that, I'm expecting Mr Abacha to return. If Mr Wigwe hasn't shuffled in through the hotel door by then, I've made up my mind to go ahead with Mr Abacha's proposal. Seeing as Mr Wigwe is proving to be an incompetent, unco-operative moron, I think I'd be a fool not to.

The clock is ticking, Mr Mah. If Mr Wigwe doesn't hurry up, all our hard work will go up in smoke. And it will be all your fault.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Williams Mbah

Subject: Time's up, Mr Mah

Sent: Fri, 12 May 2006 16:35:22

Mr Mah,

Time's up, Mr Mah. I've wasted the best part of a day here in this hotel lounge, waiting for the execrable Mr Wigwe to turn up. I don't appreciate being treated like that.

Well, I did warn you what I'd do if Mr Wigwe didn't show up. Mr Abacha has just returned, and I have made up my mind to work with him on his business proposal. Before too long, Mr Mah, I will be an extremely rich man.

Even though I was annoyed at first that you had persuaded me to travel all the way to Madrid seemingly on a wild goose chase, I suppose I should thank you really: if it hadn't have been for you, I would never have met up with the charming Mr Abacha... a man who has promised to make my fortune.

What a shame that your own business proposal came to nothing. If you ask me, it's partly down to your business associates: your cretinous lawyer, that dubious security company and the egregious Mr Wigwe. If only you'd had the common sense to pick yourself more reliable, decent and honest business associates - people more like myself, for example - I'm sure you wouldn't have come across quite so many problems.

Mind you, we can't blame all of this on the people you've chosen to work with. I think we can ascribe a large part of our failure directly to your own appalling organisational skills. I can barely believe that the late Mr El-Sahedi employed you as his personal assistant. I'd be surprised if you were capable of putting your trousers on in the morning without falling over.

Oh well, such is life. Think of me counting my millions while you're scrabbling around looking for a new way to get your hands on your late employer's money, Mr Mah.

Gilbert Murray

PS. I have explained all of this briefly to Mr Abacha. He has asked me to tell you that in his opinion you are a "bingo mumu mahu" and a "mugu". I'm not at all sure what those phrases mean... but then my command of Spanish is almost as bad as your command of English.