Thank you for your email. Now we are getting somewhere. The fact that you have been willing to reduce the outrageous fee you were attempting to extract from me by $75,000 at a stroke only goes to prove how extortionate your original demand was in the first place.

Princess Moreen told me that you were a UN-accredited attorney. I was only willing to use your services in this business because I assumed that a UN-accredited attorney would charge according to a reasonable scale of fees. However, you have sadly proved that this is not the case; you seem to make your fees up as you go along. Tell me, does Mr Annan know about the shameful way in which you attempt to overcharge your clients, Mr Aka?

Anyway, enough of this. You may have attempted to rip me off at first, but I am pleased to see that you are willing to listen to reason and adjust your fees accordingly. Now we can begin serious negotiations.

You are now suggesting that I should pay you $15,000 for three days' work. This works out at $5,000 per day, which roughly equates to about 2,800 per day in real money.

My own lawyer (the eminent Welsby, the creme de la creme of the Lincolnshire legal world) is a fine lawyer with a completely unsullied reputation - there is no way he would attempt to rip off a client in the way you have just done. When one employs Welsby, one employs the best. Despite this, his daily rate is approximately half what you are still attempting to charge me. Given the vast difference in the standard of living between the UK and the Ivory Coast, this means that your latest request for money is still completely outrageous.

I am a reasonable man, Mr Aka, but I am not prepared to bankroll your retirement plans in return for a mere three days' work. Therefore, on top of the $9,000 fee for obtaining the required documents, I am prepared to pay you a personal fee of $7,500 for your services - and not a penny more.

This is my final offer, Mr Aka, and I think it is an eminently reasonable one: with that amount of money, you would be able to buy all of the goats at your local market, and still have enough money left over to buy everyone else at the market a bowl of couscous.

As I say, Mr Aka, this is my final offer: I will not be making another one. Get back to me by return and let me know if it is acceptable to you. If it is, then we are in business.

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: My darling Gilbert

Sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 13:13:12 +0100 (CET)

My darling Gilbert,

How are you doing today my dear? I hope you are in good health and doing well that is my prayer. Thanks for your mail. I have gone through your mail with Mr Aka and you are very wonderful to talk to him like that.

The certificate you asked I have it but is not ready to attach to you now. If you want me to give it to Mr Aka I will do that OK.

My darling by the way in my dream I saw where we was together and your wife was giving me and you too much problem. Anywhere we go she will locate us in that my dream I hope your wife is not going to kill me or be making problems with me when I come? What do you think? Have you told her about me?

My darling please I want you to do everything fast with Mr Aka. Please I want us to do everything urgently so that I will leave here and come and stay with you.

You know that the dog will be disturb me soon because I did not pay the bill finished and I promised them one week as I hope we will do the transfer by then.

Please try and make him Mr Aka help us urgently.

I am waiting.

Your darling princess

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: Don't you worry about a thing, my dear

Sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 12:39:16

My darling princess,

Thank you for your email. Don't you worry about a thing my dear; as you can see, I'm doing the best I can to reduce the outrageous fee that Mr Aka is asking for. Can you see what a perfect person I am to look after your money, my dear? I've got your best interests at heart, and I'm not about to allow some shiny-trousered solicitor dupe you out of thousands of pounds of your inheritance.

I think Mr Aka and I are very close to reaching an agreement over his fees. I'll let you know as soon as we've come to an arrangement.

And don't you be worrying about the wife either, my dear girl. Trust me, she won't be a problem. If she kicks up any fuss when you move over here and I kick her out on the street, we'll be able to use some of your inheritance to shut her up. If we bung her a few grand that should keep her quiet.

I've got to nip out on business this afternoon: I'm visiting a client of mine, Miss Slattern, who is having a problem with her front door. It seems as if the wood in the door has swelled up as a result of the rain we have had this winter, and as a result of that she can't actually open her front door at all and is having to use her back door all the time. She's not very happy about that, especially seeing that in order to get to her back door you have to walk down a long, dark and dirty passageway.

She tells me that her boyfriend is getting particularly annoyed at this state of affairs. Apparently he has been complaining that every time he visits her he has no choice but to enter by the rear and come into her dirty back passage.

Never mind; I've told her that a few minutes with a sharp wood plane should sort out her problems once and for all.

Incidentally my dear, I'll be away again this weekend. I'm going to visit an old school friend and we're going to reminisce about old times. I can't wait to tell him all about you! He'll be so jealous when he sees your picture!

I'll keep you informed about my discussions with Mr Aka. In the meantime, you have a good weekend, my dear... and let's hear no more about you selling your ring, is that clear?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Don't you worry about a thing, my dear

Sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 16:18:27 +0100 (CET)

My darling Gilbert,

Thanks for your email update and thanks for all your effort and communication with Mr Aka. I am seeing everything so keep me inform of everything OK.

About your wife since you said I don't worry no problem but what if you use my money to kick her or intimidate her you may plan to kill us with high killers OH so that is not a good things to do her. Well I believed you that you will never be a problem.

Please you should not tell anybody about me or show anybody my picture please for God sake whoever it is new friend OH or old friend OH please don't talk anything about me until I come over and will meet them and from there you can introduce them to me in my presence.

I hope you get me clear?

I will wait to hear the good news of what you have agreed with Mr Aka.

With much love and kissssssss.

Your princess

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: You are too modest, my dear

Sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 15:46:18

My darling princess,

Thanks for your email, my dear girl. I've just got back from my visit to Miss Slattern. I'm happy to report that I managed to sort out her swollen front door without too much difficulty. No doubt her boyfriend will be pleased when he next visits to find out that he no longer has to fumble around in her back passage.

Now then, my dear, why do you say that you don't want me to tell anyone about you? You are too modest, my darling princess. Obviously I've not told the wife a thing about you, but I'm looking forward to telling my old school frield all about you and how lucky I've been, to have you contact me with such a lucrative proposal and then to fall in love with me. Why on earth shouldn't I tell the whole world about how lucky I am?

Perhaps you're worried that I might mention the fact that you were willing to sell your body to the guest house manager in order to pay the rent. Well don't worry, my darling, I won't breathe a word of that. I will keep that little secret strictly between the two of us. That's in my interest as well as yours: after all, I don't want people to go around thinking that I've got myself involved with a dirty little whore now, do I?

And what's all this fuss and nonsense about me planning to kill you? What on earth gave you that idea? I can assure you my dear that thoughts of that nature could not be further from my mind... and as long as you remain unstintingly faithful to me when you move over to England, that's the way things will stay.

As for Mr Aka, I put a final ultimatum to him earlier and I'm still waiting to hear back from him. Hopefully he'll respond before I go away for the weekend. But regardless of this, I'm confident that we'll manage to wrap things up next week.

Do you have anything nice planned for the weekend? Whatever your plans are, do try to keep yourself as pure as possible for me, won't you my darling?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry, but that is the least we can charge

Sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 08:36:27 -0800 (PST)

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

I am sorry, but that is the least we can charge! Anything less than that are not accepted.

Do you think that anyone with LLB, BL or AMNMA can proceed to the mentioned various institutions and obtain the documents you have required? Or because I told you how long it will take me with my position that bring up you counting my charges per day?

Don't you know I have to compensate some officials from my own pocket before it will be easy to get the documents?

Listen if I work with UN I don't work with Ministry Of Finance and other institutions you require those documents from and will not direct the person in charge on what to do unless he or her is compensated!

Do you realise how much you want them to sign out for you?

I have to work with them all and I know how I do work with them. So, if you feel it is something of per day and so simple you have every right to seek for someone else to get the job done.

I repeated that is the least we can charge non-deductible even cent. So if that is not acceptable you go get the service done elsewhere.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: Do you mean to say that you are going to have to bribe people to get this work done?

Sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 16:51:57

Dear Mr Aka,

I have just read your latest email. Do I understand you correctly? Are you trying to tell me that you are going to have to bribe people in order to get this work done? Is this why you are demanding so much money from me?

If this is indeed the case, why on earth are you going to have to do that? I would have thought that obtaining the documents I require would be a simple matter of applying to the appropriate people and following due process. Why the need to bribe people?

I'll be honest with you, Mr Aka, I'm not sure that I agree with the whole concept of bribery. There's something intrinsically dishonest and unfair about the whole thing. Surely, as a UN-accredited lawyer, you don't condone such heinous practices?

Please try to understand where I am coming from, Mr Aka. This is not my money we are talking about here; it is Princess Moreen's inheritance. I am merely going to be looking after the money on her behalf once it is transferred into my bank account until she is old enough to look after it herself. This is why I am being so careful and negotiating so hard with you: I have a duty of care to the poor girl. Her father would have wanted nothing less, I am sure.

But your mention of bribery and corruption sheds a whole new light on this affair.

Look, Mr Aka, I am going to have to give this matter some serious consideration over the weekend. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could give me some idea of who you think you will have to bribe in order to obtain these documents... and how much you think it will take.

Get back to me with further details over the weekend. I will mull things over and get back to you with a decision on Monday.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I am sorry, but that is the least my chamber are going to charge you once after the successful of the transfer of the fund

Sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2006 12:09:48 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

You may understood it anyhow you like, but that is the least my chamber are going to charge you once after the successful of the transfer of the fund.

If you agree please confirm your readiness by replying to this mail. If not you should not expect any more mail/explanation from me regarding this service and its charges.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: You are too modest, my dear

Sent: Mon, 27 Mar 2006 12:01:15 +0200 (CEST)

My darling Gilbert,

How are you doing and how was your weekend? I hope you had a wonderful one.

I did not and feel lonely and have no one to go to and no place to go but I feel you did had a nice one and dream of me.

I come to read from you to know your last discussion with Mr Aka and when he is starting the job but I did not read anything like that in your mail. Please I really need to leave here I want us to conclude everything soon. I will be soon having a problem with the guest people as the date I promised to complete the money is at hand.

Please remember I have nothing again to sell and I have no place to run to stay.

Please do all your best and see you make Mr Aka to get the documents soon so that the bank will transfer the money.

I am waiting to hear from you soon.

Your princess

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I am willing to move forward with Mr Aka

Sent: Mon, 27 Mar 2006 11:26:12

My darling princess,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy your weekend, because mine was absolutely splendid. I had a marvellous time catching up with my old school friend.

I must say, he was extremely jealous when I told him all about you. I showed him the photographs you sent me, and he couldn't get over how lucky I have been to have come across "such a horny little goer" as he put it.

Anyway, back to business. I have considered Mr Aka's final offer, and although I still feel that he is charging us an outrageously high fee, I have come to the conclusion that I have no option but to accept his final offer. At least we have managed to bring down his legal service charge from $90,000 (which was ludicrously expensive) to $15,000 (which is only ridiculously expensive).

I am just about to contact Mr Aka and tell him that I am accepting his offer. Hopefully we will now be able to make some real progress.

Keep your chin up, my dear. I have a feeling in my bones that we are now very close to concluding this transaction successfully. Perhaps you ought to give some thought towards packing your bags in preparation for travelling over to England? Oh, I forgot... you don't have any possessions to pack... or any bags to pack them into.

Well never mind. Once you arrive here in Gypping in the Marsh I will be happy to buy you all the bags you want. And although you may not have any bags to unpack when you arrive here at Hemlock Cottage, I am certainly looking forward to unloading my sacks in the bedroom pretty much as soon as you get here.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I have no choice but to accept your charges

Sent: Mon, 27 Mar 2006 11:30:21

Dear Mr Aka,

Thank you for your email. I have been deliberating over this matter long and hard this weekend - I cannot emphasise how long an hard my deliberation has been - and I have come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to accept your charges. I do not feel at all comfortable about the idea of condoning backhanders and bribery as you so obviously - and so surprisingly, given your links with the UN - do, but if that is the only way to get this business concluded, then so be it.

In order that we can move forward with this matter, could you please therefore confirm that the total charges I will have to pay relating to this business are as follows, and that no other charges will be payable by me:

$4,500 for the affidavit of oath from the Federal Ministry of Justice.
$2,700 for the change of ownership certificate.
$900 for the fund approval certificate.
$450 for the letter of guardianship and trust.
$450 for the irrevocable power of attorney.
$15,000 for your legal service charge.

Please also confirm that the first five charges (totalling $9,000) are to be paid upon the commencement of this business, while your legal service charge of $15,000 is to be paid upon the successful completion of the fund transfer.

Once I have received this confirmation from you, I will be ready to move forward.

Please note that I still consider your charges to be unreasonably high and unwarranted and that I am agreeing to pay them merely because I see no other means of completing this transaction. Please also note that considering the large amount of money you are going to be paid, I expect to receive nothing but the very best in terms of your service and that I will not stand for anything less.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: See the attached

Sent: Mon, 27 Mar 2006 12:33:21 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

I received your mail and hoped that the attached is what you need!

Please if this meets you kindly sign and return to me with the required fees of $9,000.

Please know I may be out of the country if this service cannot proceed in the next two days.

You are also allowed to draft your own guarantee to your own test for my inspection/sign if mine did not meet you well to proceed with us but be rest assured of my words and know you will not be asked for any cent after the required $9,000 until the funds is transferred into your account.

Good night.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

A letter of guarantee from the lawyer
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I am happy to proceed

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 09:41:49

Dear Mr Aka,

Thank you for sending me that letter of guarantee. Having read through it, I am happy to proceed: that was just the sort of guarantee I wanted from you.

Incidentally, I note that the text of the bulleted list in your letter was a direct copy of the bulleted list in my last email to you. What a good idea of yours to copy my text and paste it into your letter, rather than typing it all in again manually. As well as saving you some time, copying my text has resulted in the bulleted list being refreshingly free of the grammatical errors and misspellings that unfortunately characterise the rest of your writing.

If you don't mind a few words of friendly advice, perhaps when this transaction has been successfully completed you might like to give some thought towards taking a night class in English? You would appear far more professional than you currently do if you were able to express yourself more clearly in your written communications with your clients, and once you have received your $15,000 fee I am sure that you would be able to afford a few night classes.

Anyway, back to business. How should I get the $9,000 to you? Should I write you a personal cheque and pop it into the post, or would you like me to transfer it directly into your bank account?

Let me know by return and I will pop to the bank later today and sort it out.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: My darling Gilbert

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 13:11:36 +0200 (CEST)

My darling Gilbert,

How are you doing today? I hope you are in good health and doing well.

I read what you are discussing with Mr Aka and I am happy that you have reached to concluding everything with him.

Please keep me update of everything and let me know once you send him the money so that I will follow up with him.

Thanks for all your effort and may God bless you.

Your darling princess

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Mr Gilbert

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 03:35:26 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

Thanks for your advice, I knew I need it more, we leaned English here as it wasn't our country speaking!

Regards to the guarantee letter, that was prepared by my clark (sic) and I directed her to do it to your own satisfaction according to the content of your mail.

Regards to the payment option, please kindly send the money with the information below through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEYGRAM INTERNATIONAL MONEY TRANSFER is the fastest way:

Name: Aso Obinna Kingsley
Address: Siporex LG 7 Bat 188 P-Buret 08 Bp 883, Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire
Tel: +225 07394854

Note: please forward to us immediately you send the money the WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEYGRAM INTERNATIONAL MONEY TRANSFER slip/money transfer information as listed below:

Sender's name
Sender's address
Sender's city/state and country
MTCN number
Test question and answer

Also forward to us your personal detail such as:

Your full resident address
Telephone/fax number
Copy of your ID/international passport and the signed copy of the drafted guarantee.

Anticipating your earnest response.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I would much prefer to transfer the money directly into your corporate bank account

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 14:27:55

Dear Mr Aka,

Thank you for your email. So, it was your clerk (you may like to note the correct spelling of the word for future reference) who drafted that letter of guarantee, was it? If her spelling and grammar is anything to go by, perhaps you should look into enrolling you both into a night class in English. I am sure that you would both benefit from it immensely.

Now then, you have asked me to pay the $9,000 either by Western Union or MoneyGram. To be perfectly honest with you Mr Aka, I would much prefer to transfer the money directly into your corporate bank account. From what I have heard, Western Union and MoneyGram aren't actually very suitable methods of transferring money in a business transaction, as they provide very little comeback if anything goes wrong. In this country they appear to be used mainly for sending money to friends and relatives overseas, and by people who are too poor to have a bank account.

You run an established legal chambers. You must have a corporate bank account into which you get your clients to pay their fees. Send me the details by return and I will make the transfer immediately. I'm sure that would be far better for both of us: it would certainly be far more secure than using one of these paupers' systems of transferring money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I would much prefer to transfer the money directly into your corporate bank account

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 06:05:38 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

I will prefer you send the money as I have directed as it will enable us to commence immediate action to the service. I have been making use of Western Union for years now and it is very secured easiest way of receiving money and it is conformable the same day likewise bank account that will take up to two weeks beside the money was not going directly to my bank rather for the service you have required.

Right now I have no available account to receive any international bank transfer unless you will pass the fund to us through your local partner.

Please if you choose us to do this service for you do as I have directed and use the information I gave to you or the same address and telephone number and make the receiver name my name (Forgan Aka) if not pass the required fee through your local partner.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: What do you mean, "pass the required fee through your local partner"?

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 16:16:39

Dear Mr Aka,

Thank you for your email. If I read the email correctly, you seemed to be offering me two methods of getting the money to you: to either send it by Western Union or Moneygram, or to "pass the required fee through your local partner".

To be perfectly honest with you, I don't understand exactly what you mean by "pass the required fee through your local partner". Which "local partner", and how can I pass the money through them? Please explain what you meant by this: if it is a reasonable alternative to sending the money via Western Union or MoneyGram, I would be interested in pursuing it.

I look forward to receiving clarification from you by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Surely you cannot be serious when you say that you don't have a bank account that enables you to receive international bank transfers? You are a UN-accredited lawyer, for God's sake. How do the United Nations pay you for the services you carry out on their behalf? I'll bet you don't expect Mr Annan to wander off to his nearest Western Union office clutching a bundle of dollar bills. Any international lawyer worth his salt has a proper bank account, so why don't you?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: Things are moving along nicely

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 16:48:02

My darling princess,

How are you today, my dear girl? I do hope that you are having a pleasant time and that your ring has stopped stinging after all the action it saw last week.

As you will have seen from my email correspondence with Mr Aka, things are moving along nicely regarding the transfer of your fortune into my bank account. All we have to do now is to agree how best to get the $9,000 to Mr Aka, then he can start work on our behalf.

I have to say, he's not exactly being very co-operative over the matter of transferring the money into his bank account. He's refusing to send me his bank account details for some reason. If he'd done so when I first asked him for them, the money would be safely on its way to him by now.

Hopefully the man will see sense in the not too distant future and start being a bit more co-operative. We wouldn't want him to start delaying things now, would we?

I must go now and return to my work. I am currently refurbishing a fine old set of doorknockers for a client of mine, Mrs Cyprian. I applied a good coat of polish to them a bit earlier. All I need to do now is to smother her knockers in oil and give them a good rubbing down.

Do look after yourself, my dear girl. I look forward to your next email.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Mr Gilbert

Sent: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 10:43:19 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

Do you come to know me or to seek for my service? Or how I get paid from UN?

Please don't discuss more than the service you required with me. We both have accept to proceed according to my drafted guarantee and I cannot receive the fees for the obtainment of the documents you required through any of my personal bank accounts for now and for some reasons which I can't explain to you.

Please if you really want me to work for you as we have agreed on kindly send the money through Western Union as I have directed or you send it direct to your partner Miss Kabba so that she will hand it over to me.

Please if you want to get this service done through me, confirm to me that the money will get to me before ending of this month if not so I will not be around until further notice.

Good day.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I will send you the money via MoneyGram

Sent: Wed, 29 Mar 2006 09:45:27

Dear Mr Aka,

Thank you for your email. I see now what you meant when you referred to my "local partner". I didn't realise at first that you were referring to Princess Moreen.

If you are absolutely certain that there is no way I can transfer the money directly into your corporate bank account, it seems as if I have no choice but to send the money to you via Western Union or MoneyGram. Now, as I explained to Princess Moreen the other week when she was begging me to send her a bit of money to pay off her debts, my nearest Western Union office is quite some distance away. However, I'm fairly sure that the post office in the village acts as a MoneyGram agent, so I will send the money to you via MoneyGram.

Seeing as the amount I am going to be sending you is over half my life's savings, I do hope that you are right when you say that Western Union and MoneyGram are secure ways to send money. I simply can't afford for anything to go wrong with this transfer, Mr Aka, do you understand? That's why I would have preferred to transfer the money directly from my bank account into yours.

Anyway, you obviously know what you are talking about, so I will take your word for it. I will pop into the bank later this morning and withdraw the money, then take it straight to the post office and send it on to you. I'll get back to you once I've done so.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I will send you the money via MoneyGram

Sent: Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:35:11 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

Thanks for your mail. Your partner just left my office and I told her all we have gone and what holding the service.

She may tell you all I said to her both my bad words and good. I was asking her what kind of person you are that you have not been responding to me well and with respect. This is what I told her and I was telling her I don't think you people are ready to carry out my service and she was there when my family called me to know when I will be coming to visit them.

I am leaving the country soon, in fact the only job I had in my chambers that I am to do by myself is this yours and if not so I would have left since yesterday. Know that if you cannot be able to send the money today that means you will wait until when I get back to you. I don't want anything to stop me of celebrating the Easter with my family.

Remember that you have not sent your personal information I requested from you and that is very important.

The MoneyGram here is also very far from me and I may not be able to go by myself when you send the money so you should send it with the first information I gave you to the name of my driver Aso Obinna Kingsley with my full address as was given to you.

Western Union and MoneyGram are secure to send money so feel free and send it as I have directed you through Western Union or MoneyGram and forward to me the slip used for sending the money.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Things are moving along nicely

Sent: Wed, 29 Mar 2006 11:53:15 +0200 (CEST)

My darling Gilbert,

How are you doing today? I hope you are doing fine? I am fine here. I read your mail yesterday and I feel going to Mr Aka office but it was too late that time and this morning I have go to meet him and he was telling me that he is not delaying us. He said that you are the one delaying and it did not take he will not be the one to help us that he is going to spend time with his wife and his two children he see last for a year now.

He said that he have account many but if he have you the money will not come here and the account he have here he don't want to use it to receive the money for some purpose. He said that the Western Union is good and MoneyGram.

He said that you are doing as if you know everything and want everybody to do as you say. He said if you become president in power you will put everybody under you. Let's leave that by the way is just a talk.

Please as you can see he said he is not the one delaying us please try sending the money the way he suggested. He will travel as I see so let's meet up and conclude everything with him please unless you don't want us to use him he said even if we are going to pay him more than the money we agreed he will not because of it stop going his travelling if we keep delaying till he is ready to travel.

So please try and see you do everything with him urgently as you know that the guest people is expecting me to pay them soon.

I will wait to hear from you.

Thanks and with much love,

Your darling princess

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I would thank you to watch your tone when addressing me

Sent: Wed, 29 Mar 2006 12:21:13

Mr Aka,

I have just read the last email that you sent to me. To be quite frank with you, I didn't like your tone. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I found it rude.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I also received an email from Princess Moreen, who tells me that you've been mouthing off about me in front of her.

Let us get one thing straight here, Mr Aka. I am paying you a large amount of money to carry out a service on my behalf. As I told you the other day, given the outrageously high fee that you are demanding for such a small amount of work, I expect nothing but the best service from you. What I most emphatically DO NOT expect is for you to address me in a discourteous manner and to badmouth me in front of the woman with whom I intend to spend the rest of my life.

And what's all this about you leaving the country? Why didn't you mention this earlier? I'll tell you something, Mr Aka, you'd better not leave the country until you've completed this work for me, otherwise I'll be extremely annoyed.

Princess Moreen tells me that you haven't seen your wife and children for a year now. Well it's not my fault if you're a bad father. You say that you want to see them over Easter. Well Easter is weeks away, so unless you're planning to travel to see your family by dragging your prostrate body along the dusty ground by your fingertips, you've got plenty of time to get there. And anyway, if they haven't seen you for a whole year, then a few more days won't make any difference, will it?

And kindly get your story straight. First of all you tell me to get you the money by the end of the month, then you tell me to get you the money by the end of today. I'd thank you to stop making these impertinent and contradictory demands. I'd also thank you to start showing a decent amount of deference towards me, seeing as I'm the one who's paying your bills... and no doubt financing your trip to see your wife and children.

I don't mind telling you, Mr Aka, you've made me extremely angry. You really have.

Now then, back to business. I have just come back from the bank, where I intended to withdraw the $9,000 so that I could send it to you. Unfortunately, I discovered that my bank demands to see some form of photographic ID before they are willing to pay out such a large amount of money, and I didn't have my passport on me so I couldn't withdraw the money. Never having withdrawn such a large amount of money before, I wasn't aware of this requirement.

On top of this, today is early closing day in the village, so the bank and the post office are now shut for the afternoon. This means that I won't be able to withdraw the money until tomorrow morning. I am very sorry about this, but there's nothing I can do about it until tomorrow.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I will go back to the bank as soon as it opens tomorrow morning - with my passport - and withdraw the $9,000. I will then go straight to the post office and transfer the money to you.

I am doing all I can here to move things forward as fast as possible. While you are working on my behalf, I would thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head and to remember who it is who's paying the bills around here. Do I make myself clear?

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I can't say sorry

Sent: Wed, 29 Mar 2006 04:12:21 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

I can't say sorry to you for what I have said against you because you always use bad mouth to me! Now you said you are angry and on top of that using bad mouth to me again.

You can't insult me just because I bring down myself to render my service to you. Are my not leaving before you contacted me? How much do you think the $15,000 is to me? Mr Gilbert if all this is play let's stop it please and please for God's sake. Beside the month is finishing in two days time.

Well I will wait for your mail tomorrow as soon as you send the money as you promised.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: You are a very rude man

Sent: Wed, 29 Mar 2006 13:55:28

Mr Aka,

You are a very rude man. I am surprised that you have any clients at all if this is the way that you speak to them. I'll bet you don't speak to Mr Annan the way you speak to me.

My father always taught me that good manners cost nothing. However, this is obviously not the case with you, my good sir. In fact, having seen the scale of your fees, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that you charged extra for them.

For the sake of this transaction - and for the sake of the fragrant Princess Moreen - I will do my best to ignore your impudence and put your insolent remarks to the back of my mind.

I will contact you again tomorrow as soon as I have transferred the money to you.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I have transferred the $9,000 to you

Sent: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 09:20:16

Dear Mr Aka,

As promised, I have transferred the $9,000 to you via MoneyGram.

The postmistress who processed the transfer told me that you will need the following details in order to collect the money from your local MoneyGram agent:

Sender's name: Gilbert Arnold Murray
Recipient's name: Forgan Aka
Amount transferred: $9,000
Test question: Gilbert's profession?
Test answer: Knobs and knockers
MoneyGram reference number: 42378658

The postmistress told me that she wasn't sure whether or not you would have to show some form of identification when you went to collect the money, but that it might be an idea for you to take some ID along with you just in case.

I have tried scanning in the MoneyGram receipt as you requested, but my scanner is playing up at the moment and I'm having a few problems. Fortunately, the postmistress told me that you wouldn't actually need to produce a copy of the receipt in order to collect the money.

Please get back to me as soon as you have collected the money. May I presume that as soon as the money is in your hands you will be able to start work on this business?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: Hopefully Mr Aka will be able to start work for us immediately

Sent: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 11:23:17

My darling princess,

As you will have seen, I transferred the $9,000 to Mr Aka first thing this morning. Hopefully he will now be able to start work for us immediately and it won't be long before the documents we require to transfer your inheritance into my bank account are in our hands.

So, now is the time for you to start making preparations for moving over here. I have started making preparations for your arrival already (unbeknownst to the wife, of course). I went to the shops this morning after I came back from the bank and bought you a number of new items which I am sure will come in handy. I am particularly pleased with the new ironing board that I purchased, and I managed to get a job lot of cleaning materials for you at a knockdown price.

Trust me, my dear, you won't be bored once you've moved into Hemlock Cottage; the place will need a damn good clean once I've kicked the wife out, so there will be plenty to keep you occupied during the day. And of course we both know how I intend to keep you occupied during the night...

No doubt you are looking forward to the time when you can tell that odious guest house manager exactly where to go, as you leave the guest house for the last time on your way to the airport. Tell me, my dear, have you started looking into booking yourself an airline ticket yet?

I must go now: I have some free time today so I am going to spend it working on Hemlock Cottage's door furniture. I shall be thinking of you as I apply oil to my door hinges and polish my knob.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I have received your mail/the money sent information

Sent: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 04:36:42 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

I have received your mail/the money sent information and will be driving down to the MoneyGram office right away. I will get back to you once I cashed it and will commence action immediately.

Please forward to me your full personal details as I have requested before: your resident address, telephone number and a copy of your ID or international passport number.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Forgan Aka

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Mr Gilbert

Sent: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 06:58:00 -0800 (PST)

Mr Gilbert,

The money sent information you forwarded to me was very wrong. You send no money and if you are sure you do kindly attached the MoneyGram transfer slip to me and give me a call once you have done that on +225 07394854.

Yours sincerely,

Barr Forgan Aka LLB, BL, AMNMA

Legal adviser, West Atlantic Bank of Abidjan, Equitybank, Abidjan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: I must apologise: I seem to have made a small mistake

Sent: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 16:19:58

Dear Mr Aka,

I was most perplexed when I read your last email. If I read it correctly, you seem to be saying that you have not been able to pick up the money that I have transferred to you.

Well don't worry; I think I may have found the reason for your failure to collect the money. I've had a closer look at the MoneyGram receipt that the postmistress gave me, and I can now see that the MoneyGram reference number is actually 42398658, not 42378658 as I mistakenly told you earlier. The postmistress has rather bad handwriting, you see - the poor dear is getting on a bit and her hands are a little shaky when she writes - and her 7s look very similar to her 9s.

Please accept my sincere apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you, Mr Aka. I am terribly sorry.

On a more positive note, you will be pleased to see that I have managed to send you a copy of the MoneyGram receipt: although my scanner is still playing up, I had the bright idea of taking a photograph of it with my digital camera. I'm sure you'll be able to understand how I came to make such a mistake when you see yourself just how bad the postmistress' handwriting is.

Now that you have the correct MoneyGram reference number - I really can't apologise enough for my little mistake - I suggest that you go back to the MoneyGram agent as soon as you can and collect the money so that we can start work on this business without any further delay.

Please get back to me as soon as the money is safe in your hands. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: Have you collected the money yet?

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 08:36:27

Dear Mr Aka,

Have you collected the money yet? Please inform me as soon as you have done so: Princess Moreen and I are relying on you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Have you collected the money yet?

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 11:00:06 +0200 (CEST)

Darling Gilbert,

I hope you are doing fine.

I wonder what is going on? Yesterday I went to see Mr Aka and he was not happy with us. He said that you are just wasting his time and telling stories. He said that you did not send any money as he had confirmed from the MoneyGram for the second time. He said that he even printed the documents you forwarded to him to the MoneyGram and they check and say that the information is wrong and somebody like you have not sent any money.

He said that the MoneyGram people said they see $9,000 sent to here but is not matched with your own information so they won't give it to him and said to him if the money was not the one he was expecting they will come to his office and collect it back so he said he will not contact you until he confirms from them.

He said that you have no personal information sent to him that he did not see you as.

This is all so I don't understand what is going on. You should go back to the place you sent the money and find out what is going on.

Mr Aka said that he will not go again and when you are ready to send it you should use his driver's name not his own name as he will not try such again running up and down for that.

So be yourself.

Bye.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba; Cc: Forgan Aka

Subject: I don't understand what the problem is

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 10:21:11

My darling princess,

I have just read the email you sent me. I have to say, my dear girl, that I'm baffled. I really don't understand what the problem is.

I must say that I'm rather concerned at the idea that the $9,000 I transferred to Mr Aka seems to have gone missing. That's half my life savings that seems to have got lost somewhere.

I'm going to take immediate action to sort this out: I'll head straight off to the post office and see what's going on. I'll get back to you as soon as I have any news.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 11:08:08

Dear Mr Aka,

Princess Moreen contacted me earlier this morning and told me that you'd experienced some problems when you went to pick up that money I transferred to you. I didn't like the idea of my $9,000 getting lost in the system, so as soon as I heard the news I went straight back to the post office to see what the problem was.

The good news is, I've found out what the problem was, and I've sorted it out.

When I explained to the postmistress that you were having problems getting your hands on my money, she explained to me that MoneyGram in the UK are currently in the middle of upgrading their computer hardware and that this has apparently resulted in what she called "internet connectivity" problems. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but apparently mine isn't the only transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. Apparently these problems meant that although my transfer was in the system, it wasn't showing up on your local agent's computer system.

But not to worry; it turns out that this isn't a problem. Apparently there's a simple solution. The postmistress told me exactly what your local MoneyGram agent needs to do to access details of the transfer and gain access to the money. Apparently your agent just needs to initiate procedure MG-RV8 on their computer system, entering the reference number of the transfer that I gave to you. This procedure apparently gives the agent access to all transfers that have got "stuck" in the system.

The postmistress was rather surprised that your local agent hadn't done this already: apparently it's standard procedure for MoneyGram agents when things like this happen. She even showed me the procedure in her MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. She said to me that if your local agent hasn't heard of procedure MG-RV8, they probably don't know their job very well and that they would probably benefit from some on the job training.

Anyway, the postmistress assured me that if you go back to your local MoneyGram agent and tell them to initiate procedure MG-RV8, you'll be able to pick up the money instantly.

I can only apologise for the inconvenience this must have caused you yesterday, but as you can see Mr Aka, it really wasn't my fault. How was I to know that MoneyGram were having technical problems at the moment? It was you who insisted on using MoneyGram in the first place. If we'd have carried out a simple bank-to-bank transfer like I suggested, we wouldn't have had any of these problems.

Still, now that I've found out what the problem was, I'd appreciate it if you could go and collect the money immediately. Time is moving on, and I don't want my money to be hanging around in the MoneyGram system for too long.

Get back to me as soon as the money's safe in your hands. I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Problem solved

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 12:39:12 +0200 (CEST)

Darling Gilbert,

I have read your mail and I have inform Mr Aka of what you have just said. He said that he is not interested in your story and he can't go anywhere even if he is less busy.

He said that you should go back to the post office where you sent the money to collect it back and go to WESTERN UNION and send it with the name of his driver if not we should forget about the service.

He said that he or his driver will never waste time to go further than his office street because of this money again and he will never because of the money go to any Western Union or MoneyGram office.

So you should go back there and pick your money and go to Western Union and send it with the name of Aso Obinna Kingsley so he can be able to help and go at the back of the Western Union in his office to cash it.

I don't know what again to do so think of what to do.

But the people that send the money are very stupid. Why didn't she tell you that the system is not working?

I leave you here and please tell me whatever you have gone on this. Mr Aka is not ready to go anywhere he said. Please you can call him and beg him and see what he will do.

Your darling

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba; Cc: Forgan Aka

Subject: What is Mr Aka's problem?

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 12:05:06

My darling princess,

I was extremely dismayed to read your last email. What is Mr Aka's problem? He's supposed to be working for us on this transaction, yet all he seems to be willing to do is to sit on his sweaty backside and blame me for the inadequacies of a money transfer system that he himself insisted we should use!

If he had sent me the details of his bank account as I requested in the first place, we wouldn't be having these problems now.

I am bending over backwards here to try and move this business forward, but I am not about to allow some two-bit legal laggard to dictate terms to me.

I have had just about enough of Mr Aka and his unhelpful and obstructive attitude. I am not willing to beg Mr Aka to do anything. Either he wants this job or he doesn't.

Here is the current situation. I have transferred the $9,000 to Mr Aka. Granted, there was a problem with the initial transfer, but I have sorted that out this morning and sent Mr Aka full details of what his local MoneyGram agent has to do in order to access the money. However, Mr Aka is, for some reason that I cannot begin to comprehend, unwilling to go and collect the money.

I have done more than my fair share of work here. I am simply not prepared to go back to the post office and then travel all the way to my nearest Western Union agent, simply because Mr Aka cannot be bothered to shift his fat arse and go to collect the money.

Mr Aka's attitude throughout this whole affair has been shameful, if you ask me. I am sorry, my dear, but either Mr Aka goes to collect the money that I have transferred to him, or he can forget about this entire business. I am not prepared to waste any more of my precious time simply because that slothful solicitor can't be bothered to shift his lazy butt.

The $9,000 is there, waiting for Mr Aka to pick it up. If he wants this job, he will go and collect it immediately. If I haven't heard by the end of the day that he has collected the money, I will be going back to the post office, cancelling the transfer, and we will have to find ourselves another lawyer. It's as simple as that.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Forgan Aka; Cc: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: The money is there. Either you go and pick it up or you can forget about this whole business

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 12:12:51

Mr Aka,

I presume that you will have read the email I have just sent to Princess Moreen. In that email I said pretty much all that I have to say on this matter.

To summarise: the money is there, waiting for you to collect it at your local MoneyGram agency. Either you want this job or you do not. If you want the job, go and collect the money before the end of the day. If you do not want the job, I will cancel the transfer and Princess Moreen and I will find ourselves a lawyer who is actually willing to do some work.

This is your last chance. Get back to me when you have collected the money. I am waiting.

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What is Mr Aka's problem?

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 13:40:01 +0200 (CEST)

My darling Gilbert,

Please I want you to send me your telephone number very urgently. Please do this soon.

I am waiting.

Your darling princess

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba

Subject: Mr Aka has until the end of the day to collect the money

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 14:24:21

My darling princess,

I'm not going to send you my phone number! For God's sake girl, if you were to telephone me the wife could pick up the phone, and then where would we be? She knows nothing about you at the moment, and that's the way it's going to stay... right up until the moment at which you arrive at Hemlock Cottage and we kick her out onto the street. Talk sense, girl.

All of this is distracting us from the main issue here. I repeat, Mr Aka has until the end of the day to collect the money that I have transferred to him.

If he decides in the end that he doesn't want this work, I suggest we go to my own lawyer, Welsby, and ask him if he knows of any good lawyers in the Ivory Coast. He has connections all over the world, so he may well know of a decent lawyer over there. Who knows, he may even have heard of Mr Aka through his contacts... although I'd be surprised if he'd heard anything remotely good about him.

Time is running out, my dear. The ball is in Mr Aka's court. Let us hope he sees sense and goes to collect the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Mr Aka has until the end of the day to collect the money

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 17:42:40 +0200 (CEST)

My darling Gilbert,

What is all this? I have tried convincing Mr Aka and we went to the MoneyGram office and they check everything and say our information is not valid. I am disappointed.

What is going on? They even showed us the screen and everything is showing incorrect.

I don't know what to say again.

Bye bye,

Unhappy darling

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba; Cc: Forgan Aka

Subject: What do you mean, the information is not valid?

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 16:55:18

My darling princess,

I have just read your last email. Frankly my dear, I don't know what to think. What do you mean, the information is not valid? Of course it's valid. I should know: I transferred the money myself.

Did Mr Aka instruct the MoneyGram agent to initiate procedure MG-RV8 like I told him to? He can't have done, otherwise he would have my money in his hands by now.

Has Mr Aka actually been reading my emails properly? Has he been taking proper notice of what I've been telling him? He can't have been doing so. Or maybe it's the MoneyGram agent he's going to who is the problem. Perhaps Mr Aka should try going to a different MoneyGram agent?

This is becoming extremely irritating. Mr Aka seems to be incapable of carrying out the simplest of monetary transactions. Perhaps we ought to give some thought towards finding a new lawyer?

I am going away for the weekend, so I won't be able to do anything about this until Monday at the earliest. In the meantime, please ask Mr Aka to use his initiative and try going to a different MoneyGram agent. If he still can't collect the money, we will have to think of some other way to get his fees to him next week.

Get back to me before Monday with an update on the situation. I look forward to hearing from you.

Do have a pleasant weekend my darling princess. I shall be thinking of you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Princess Moreen Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What do you mean, the information is not valid?

Sent: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 18:14:24 +0200 (CEST)

My darling Gilbert,

We go to many and Mr Aka did ask them to do as you directed and everything still showing incorrect. So you know what you are talking about?

Mr Aka even told me to forget about you that you are not ready to help me rather to delay me or playing with me. He asked me where I want to continue my living and where I want my money to be for me that he can do that but what he cannot is about investing it but can introduce me to people that can direct me on that.

First he said that if you are serious you would have called for one day and give telephone to call you.

He said that if you are serious you would have forwarded the information he requested from you to do the job you see so reasons?

Why are you doing like this? I am believing Mr Aka.

So please stop saying all this. I witness everything as I go with him. What are you telling me?

The man even said that the stamp branch is not recognised.

So bye.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba; Cc: Forgan Aka

Subject: Mr Aka is obviously an idiot

Sent: Mon, 03 Apr 2006 09:25:51

My darling princess,

I have just read your last email. I am completely confused by what is going on. I simply cannot believe that Mr Aka has been unable to collect the money that I transferred to him. I can only deduce that Mr Aka is a complete idiot.

As I see it, the only option open to us now is to drop Mr Aka's services and find ourselves another lawyer. One who - unlike the useless Mr Aka - is capable of carrying out a simple monetary transaction. One who - unlike the grasping Mr Aka - charges reasonable fees. One who - unlike the under-educated Mr Aka - can string together a sentence in plain English. One who - unlike the underbred Mr Aka - displays a decent amount of respect towards his clients. One who - unlike the dunderheaded Mr Aka - is not a complete cretin with the brains of a dead amoeba.

I will cancel the MoneyGram transaction this morning, but it's up to you to find us another lawyer, my dear. Get back to me with the details of a new lawyer by return and we'll see if we can sort this whole mess out. If I haven't heard from you by the end of the day with details of a different lawyer, I'll pop in and see the eminent Welsby and see what he can do to help us out.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Princess Moreen Kabba; Forgan Aka

Subject: According to Welsby, you are a pair of fraudsters!

Sent: Tue, 04 Apr 2006 09:04:09

"Princess Moreen" and "Mr Aka",

As you did not get back to me yesterday, I popped in to see my lawyer, Welsby, at the end of the day in order to ask him if he would be able to help us out in our business.

After I had explained the situation to Welsby, I was extremely taken aback when Welsby informed me that your entire proposal was a scam! Welsby explained that this kind of thing was depressingly common and that in your part of the world it is apparently known as a "419 scam".

Furthermore, he explained that the chances of the two of you being a real princess and a real lawyer were about on a par with the chances of Gypping in the Marsh being twinned with the Moon. Welsby explained to me that it is far more likely that you are nothing but a pair of dirty, smelly conmen with the mental capacity of a dried cowpat who spend your time shuffling your stinking bodies between the internet cafe and the nearest barrelhouse and attempting to con good, honest people like me out of their hard-earned savings.

Is this true? Are you really nothing but a pair of dirty, smelly conmen with the mental capacity of a dried cowpat? If so, you should be ashamed of yourselves. I am sure that your poor mothers would be devastated if they knew how low their offspring had been willing to stoop.

On a brighter note, Welsby told me that I had been lucky: the two of you are obviously the most imbecilic, gullible and cretinous conmen in the history of the 419 scam. Welsby told me I should thank my lucky stars that you have been too moronic to get your grubby little hands on my money.

And to think that I was willing to kick my wife out onto the street for you. To think that you were evil enough to try and con me out of my life savings. Shame on you both.

I'll tell you this for nothing: I've come across a fair few knobs in my time... but nothing compared to you two.

I shall sign off by damning you with the traditional door furniture specialist's curse: may your bell ends hurt every time you touch them, and may your knobs drop off from lack of use.

Gilbert Murray

The Door Furniture Specialist(part 2 of 2)

The Door Furniture Specialist
(part 2 of 2)