I've just come from from the local post office, where I transferred the 700 you need to your secretary, Miss Kalu. I've never used MoneyGram before, so I asked the postmistress what details Miss Kalu would need to collect the money at your end. Here's the information she said you'd need:

Sender's name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Recipient's name: Ugomma Uchechi Kalu

Amount: 700

MoneyGram reference number: 85124163

Test question: Gilbert's hotel?

Answer: Murray Towers

According to the postmistress, your local MoneyGram agent will probably want to pay out the money in US dollars rather than pounds sterling, so she's arranged all that. The amount in dollars comes to $1,249. The postmistress told me that the money will be available for Miss Kalu to collect immediately.

Listen, Mohammed, presuming that Miss Kalu collects the money this morning, how long do you think it will be before I'll be able to pick up this consignment from one of your collecting centres? You see, I had to take the 700 out of the hotel's petty cash tin and I want to be able to replace it as soon as possible so that the wife doesn't find out. I haven't told her a thing about this affair - if she found out that I was doing a bit of business with a pretty young thing like Miss Sahili she'd probably jump to all sorts of conclusions and get completely the wrong idea - and if she finds out that the money's missing there'll be all sorts of questions to answer. Obviously, you haven't met the wife, but believe me, it'll be like the Spanish inquisition if she gets wind of this.

Now then, these collecting centres of yours. I don't suppose you've got one in Torquay, have you? It'd be ideal for me if you have. Let me know.

I must go now and see what a hash Manuel has made of breakfast today. I didn't want to leave him in charge, but seeing as I wanted to get to the post office as soon as it opened this morning to transfer the money to you, I had little choice.

Get back to me as soon as Miss Kalu has collected the money and let me know what our next step is. Presumably your lawyer will now be able to swing into action.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 11:13:01 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

We received your mail and we heard what you said that you have made the payment through MoneyGram and we have received the information and our secretary is going to collect the money from the MoneyGram later today.

As soon as we received the money from MoneyGram we will let you know and also to update you the next step to follow.

Thanks for your co-operation,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 12:11:17 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

This is to inform you that our secretary is just returning from the MoneyGram office here and the MoneyGram officer told her that the control number you forwarded to us is not correct.

Below is the number you forwarded to us: 85124163. Please try to cross-check the number and get back to us. Maybe you made a mistake on the number.

Thanks for your co-operation,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: Sorry Mohammed, my mistake

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 11:31:39

Mohammed,

Sorry, Mohammed, old chap, my mistake. I've looked again at the MoneyGram receipt and I appear to have made an error when I transcribed the MoneyGram reference number into the email I sent to you earlier today. Looking closely at the receipt, I got one of the numbers wrong: there's a nine on the receipt that looks rather like a one, so the correct reference number is 85124963, not 85124163 as I told you earlier.

Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you and your secretary. It's no excuse, but I have to admit that I did type out my email in rather a hurry: I was keen to find out exactly what a mess Manuel had managed to make of serving breakfast this morning.

Anyway, I've attached a copy of the MoneyGram receipt to this email. You'll probably be able to see for yourself how I got the numbers confused: our local postmistress has terrible handwriting.

Now that you have the correct reference number, I trust that Miss Kalu will be able to collect the money this afternoon. If you get her to scurry along to the MoneyGram office as soon as you receive this email, how long do you think it will be before I can pick up the consignment from one of your collecting centres?

Talking of your collection centres, you never answered my last question, Mohammed. Do you have one in Torquay or not?

Do get back to me as soon as Miss Kalu has collected the money, there's a good chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 13:14:32 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

We received your mail and the correct control number. As soon as our secretary collected it from the MoneyGram we will update you today.

Thanks for your co-operation,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 15:31:07 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

This is to inform you that our secretary have returned back from the MoneyGram and nothing was found in the control number which you sent to us and nothing was shown that you sent the money through MoneyGram.

Are you sure that you are not joking in this transaction? Please try to find out and to know what is happening, whether your servant made a mistake in sending the money to another organisation.

You should ask him whether he sent the money through MoneyGram or Western Union.

Try to find out what is happening because I am annoyed about the whole issue and try to get back to us as soon as possible.

Thanks for your co-operation,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: What on earth are you doing over there?

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 14:51:02

Mohammed,

I have just read the email you sent me, with a mixture of disbelief and indignation. What on earth are you doing over there? Are you sure your secretary knows what she's doing? The local postmistress assured me that Miss Kalu would have no problem picking up the money, so what on earth do you think you are playing at?

And how dare you accuse me of "joking"? We are conducting a serious business transaction here, Mohammed. Miss Sahili's consignment is extremely important, both to Miss Sahili and to me. I'm a busy man, Mohammed, and I've no time to waste "joking" where business of this magnitude is concerned.

I sent the money to Miss Sahili via MoneyGram, not Western Union. Did you not see the receipt I attached to my last email? The one that clearly says "MoneyGram" in the top right corner? Why are you wittering on about Western Union? Has your secretary been to a Western Union agent by mistake?

I have better things to do with my time than to waste it bandying words with you over your secretary's inexplicable failure to collect the money I have transferred to her. May I suggest that you personally go to the MoneyGram agent with your secretary and check for yourself that she knows what she is doing. You have a copy of the MoneyGram receipt, for God's sake. Surely you must be able to pick up the money? If you ask me, your secretary probably doesn't know what she's doing. New, is she? Young, and a bit air-headed, most likely. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was the problem.

Get back to me when you've been to the MoneyGram agent yourself. If you still don't have any joy, I suppose it is possible - although highly unlikely, if you ask me - that there has been some kind of problem at my end. I'm far too busy to see to this today, but if you still can't collect the money, I will go back to the post office first thing tomorrow morning and see if there has been a problem with the transfer.

Get back to me as soon as you've been to the MoneyGram agent with Miss Kalu. I'm willing to bet you ten-to-one that you'll come away with the money this time.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Scolla Sahili

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT FROM SCOLLA

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 15:54:09 +0200 (CEST)

My Dear Gilbert Murray,

There was a big problem. The security company director Dr Kone Mohammed just called me on my telephone this afternoon and informed me that their secretary have returned from the MoneyGram office and they did not receive any money and they did not see your name and the control number. It did not appear on their computer list. That shows that you did not send the money to them.

What is happening on your side? You have to ask your servant whether he sent the money through post office or MoneyGram. Please let me know exactly what is happening in this transaction.

Are you sure that he really sent the money to the security company or not? In fact the director of the security company is not happy about the way you are doing in this transaction and myself is not happy too.

Please try to find out what is happening.

I am waiting to hear from you soonest.

Thanks and God bless you,

Scolla

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Scolla Sahili

Subject: I don't know what Mohammed's playing at

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 15:16:55

Dear Miss Sahili,

I don't know what Mohammed's playing at over there. I transferred the money to him first thing this morning via MoneyGram, yet he tells me that his secretary can't pick up the money.

I've never used MoneyGram before, but the postmistress assured me it was easy. So why on earth Mohammed's secretary is having problems collecting the money is anyone's guess. I even sent Mohammed a copy of the MoneyGram receipt, for God's sake, to try and make things easier for him.

It's typical of Mohammed to try and place the blame for this at my door, but I'm having none of it. I've told him to accompany his secretary to the MoneyGram office himself. If you want a job doing well, do it yourself, that's always been my motto. If you entrust something like that to a young, inexperienced secretary, who is probably paying more attention to the boys at the local bus stop than to the job at hand, you can only expect things to go wrong.

I've told Mohammed to get back to me when he's been to the MoneyGram office himself. If he still can't collect the money, I'll go back to the post office first thing in the morning and see if there's been a problem at this end.

As if I haven't got enough to do already, what with this hotel to run, guests to keep happy, useless bloody Spanish waiters to look after... it always seems to be left to me to sort these things out.

Anyway, don't worry, my dear girl. I'm sure that if Mohammed goes to the MoneyGram office with his secretary, he'll be able to pick up the money without any further delay.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 17:41:26 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

After reading your mail myself as the director of the security finance company went straight to the MoneyGram office with the information and my secretary to find out what is happening and they told me that the money is not there yet. Maybe there was a problem from the postmistress whom you gave the money to transfer. It may be she has not yet transferred the money through MoneyGram.

If the money have been transferred to MoneyGram the computer of the office of the MoneyGram will show that the money is there with all your information and after cross-checking, your name and your information did not appear in the computer because we have been always receiving money from the MoneyGram without any problem and our secretary knows her job. She used to go to MoneyGram and collect money always.

I will advise you to go to the local postmistress and find out what is happening and why she is delaying to transfer the money to us through MoneyGram and try to get back to us as soon as you verified the mistake.

Thanks for your co-operation,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: Very well, I'll go back to the post office in the morning

Sent: Thu, 01 Sep 2005 17:09:38

Mohammed,

I have just read your email. If you are absolutely sure that your secretary knows what she is doing, then very well, I'll go back to the post office first thing in the morning and see what the problem is.

God only knows I've got more than enough on my plate already at the moment: I've just heard a rumour that the hotel inspectors are in the area. The last thing I need is to be running to and from the post office to sort out some trifling little problem with a money transfer when the future of my hotel is at stake.

Oh well, it seems as if it's up to me to sort out the problem, as always. Leave it to me, Mohammed. I'll get back to you as soon as I get back from the post office in the morning.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 09:16:57

Mohammed,

I've just got back from the post office. Good news: everything's sorted. It turns out that it's not a problem at my end, as such; it sounds more as if your local MoneyGram agent doesn't really know what they're doing.

I explained to the postmistress that the reference number of my transfer didn't show up on the computer at your local MoneyGram office. The postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the middle of upgrading their computer hardware. This has apparently resulted in what she called "internet connectivity" problems, and apparently mine isn't the only transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. What this means is that the transfer is definitely in the system - the postmistress showed it to me on her own computer - but it's not showing up on your local MoneyGram agent's computer system because of these "internet connectivity" problems.

However, it turns out that this isn't a problem, because there's a simple solution. The postmistress told me exactly what your local agent needs to do in order to access details of the transfer and gain access to the money. Apparently your agent simply needs to initiate procedure MG-ZS180 on their computer system, entering the reference number of the transfer that I gave to you. This procedure, which apparently gives the agent access to all transfers that have got "stuck" in the system, will make the transfer available to the agent, meaning that Miss Kalu will be able to collect the money.

The postmistress was rather surprised that your local agent hadn't done this already: apparently it's standard procedure for MoneyGram agents when things like this happen. She even showed me the procedure in her MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. She said to me that if your local agent hasn't heard of procedure MG-ZS180, they probably don't know their job very well. She suggested that your local agent could benefit from some more on the job training.

If it was me picking up the money, I don't mind telling you that I'd tear a strip off the MoneyGram agent for wasting so much of our time. There's nothing worse than people who don't know their jobs, if you ask me. I suggest you tell Miss Kalu to have a strong word with the MoneyGram agent about it, and get them to read up on their operating procedures.

Now then Mohammed, get back to me as soon as your secretary has collected the money from the MoneyGram agent, then we can start making some real progress here. And, for the third time of asking, have you got a collecting centre in Torquay or not?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOUR VERIFICATION IS NOT CLEAR FROM VIGA

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 10:55:38 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

How did we believed that you sent the money, is it post office or MoneyGram office? Why can't you send the money direct to MoneyGram? Post office have nothing to do with MoneyGram.

Try to be specific on your words in this issue.

Thanks,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: Good God, man, it's perfectly clear

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 10:21:49

Mohammed,

What are you wittering on about? Good God, man, it's perfectly clear. My nearest MoneyGram agent is my local post office. What on earth is unclear about that? Do I have to spell it out for you in words of one syllable? Maybe I do. Very well then, I go to my post off-ice to trans-fer mo-ney vi-a Mo-ney-Gram. Is that better?

Have you even looked at the copy of the receipt I sent to you yesterday? It's got the word "MoneyGram" printed on it in the top right hand corner, in big, easy-to-read letters.

As I have told you countless times, I SENT YOU THE MONEY VIA MONEYGRAM. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Why do you insist on making things difficult? I am sick and tired of this endless prevarication. Will you kindly stop messing about and send your secretary to the MoneyGram agent to collect the money immediately?

Good God, man, you're doing nothing for my blood pressure, I can tell you that for nothing.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Cc: Scolla Sahili

Subject: Has Miss Kalu collected the money yet?

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 14:02:31

Mohammed,

What is going on at your end? Has Miss Kalu collected the money yet? And if not, why not?

Get back to me at once with an update on the situation. You are delaying this business, and I am not a happy man. I can assure you that my partner, Miss Sahili, will not be happy with you either unless you buck your ideas up.

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 18:09:40 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

We just returning from the MoneyGram office this afternoon, both your partner Miss Scolla Sahili and our secretary, after reading your mail of today as you told us that you sent the money through MoneyGram. After investigation there is no information which show that you sent any money to us.

I will advise you to withdraw the money from MoneyGram and send it through Western Union transfer. If you know that you are ready to assist your partner Miss Scolla Sahili in this transaction try to do so.

We have no time to be wasting in this transaction.

Thanks for your co-operation,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: This is infuriating

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 17:23:09

Mohammed,

What the hell are you playing at over there? This is infuriating, absolutely infuriating. I cannot for the life of me understand why you have failed to collect the money I transferred to Miss Kalu.

Did you instruct the MoneyGram agent to initiate procedure MG-ZS180 like I told you to? You can't have done, otherwise you would have the money in your hands right now.

I won't have the time to do anything about this now until Monday morning; weekends are always very busy here in the hotel. Have you thought of trying a different MoneyGram agent? It seems to me that the one you've been visiting doesn't know their arse from their elbow.

Try another MoneyGram agent and let me know how you get on. If you still don't have any luck, let me know and I'll see what I can do on Monday morning.

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 18:45:44 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We received your mail and we have tried so many MoneyGram in order to find out whether the information of the money is there and after our investigation from different MoneyGram stations there is nothing like that.

What are you playing in this transaction? And you should understand that I am a director of a company and I don't have time to be wasting in this transaction again. If you are not going to follow my instruction in order to send the money through Western Union you better let us know so that we will tell your partner Miss Scolla Sahili that you are not serious in this transaction and you are taking this transaction as a childish play. This transaction is not a childish play for your information.

Thanks,

Dr Kone

From: Scolla Sahili

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM SCOLLA

Sent: Fri, 02 Sep 2005 19:15:42 +0200 (CEST)

My Dear Gilbert Murray,

I received all your mails which you forwarded to the security company and the director of the security company call me and explain me the whole situation regarding the payment in MoneyGram and I follow them to the MoneyGram office and after checking the computer the name and information didn't appear in the sender's list.

Why should you do that for me in this transaction which I trusted you in this transaction? I did not believe myself that you will do such a thing to me in this transaction. We have gone to three MoneyGram offices today yet nothing was found.

Please you should try to recall the money from the post office and make the payment through Western Union for easy collection so that we can proceed in this transaction. Maybe the mistake is from your servant that stupid Manuel whom you instructed to send the money to the security company.

I am worried to hear from you immediately.

Thanks and God bless you,

Scolla

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Cc: Scolla Sahili

Subject: I will transfer the money again on Monday

Sent: Sat, 03 Sep 2005 07:53:11

Mohammed,

I have just read your last email. Once again, I found that its tone bordered on being rude. Can I ask you to keep a civil tongue in your head for the remainder of this transaction? Like me, you work in a service industry, and it doesn't make sense to be rude to your customers. Well, most of the time, anyway. Kindly remember who is paying your bills, my good man, and remember your manners.

I had no idea that the simple job of transferring money to you was going to prove to be so damn difficult. For your information, I have followed your instructions to the letter so far. It's not my fault if your local MoneyGram agents don't know what they're doing, so don't try to lay the blame on me, my man.

I have a very busy weekend - we have a party of German guests staying at the hotel - but I shall cancel the MoneyGram transfer as you suggest on Monday morning. I will then go into my bank and ask them to suggest the best way to transfer the money to you. I am determined to get this money to you one way or another.

Await my next email on Monday.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Sat, 03 Sep 2005 10:49:57 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

We received your mail and we heard what you said on your mail that we are using bad words to our customer. We are not using bad words on you rather I am only telling you that this transaction is not a childish play.

Try to understand our point that the money was not shown in the computer of the MoneyGram list here. That is the reason why we told you to withdraw the money from the MoneyGram and send it through Western Union transfer to avoid any hitch along the line.

We heard what you said that you are going to resend the money through Western Union on Monday.

If you send it try to get back to us so that we can proceed in this transaction as soon as possible.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Scolla Sahili

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM SCOLLA

Sent: Sat, 03 Sep 2005 12:52:38 +0200 (CEST)

My Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your mail and I heard what you said that you are going to send the money to the security company on Monday. After reading the attached message which the security finance company sent to you I found out that the director of the security company was annoyed because of what happened yesterday in the MoneyGram office.

Please you should not be annoyed for the harsh words the security company is using on you in this transaction. He left his office and accompanied us to the MoneyGram yesterday for verification and after nothing was found that you sent the money to them.

That is the reason why he was annoyed. I am very sorry for that. You should try as you can to send the money to them through Western Union on Monday so that it will enable them to get all the necessary documents regarding this transaction and to proceed to arrange for the shipment of the trunk box of the fund to you.

If you send the money on Monday try to let me know as soon as possible.

I am waiting to hear from you.

Thanks and God bless you,

Scolla

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Cc: Scolla Sahili

Subject: I am well aware that this transaction is not "a childish play"

Sent: Mon, 05 Sep 2005 09:43:25

Mohammed,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to see that the somewhat hysterical and accusatory tone that has typified your recent emails has been replaced by one of contrition.

I am well aware that this transaction is not "a childish play", thank you very much. The success of this transaction is extremely important to Miss Sahili and I, and I do not need to be reminded of its importance by a mere security company official such as yourself.

And before you go accusing me of acting childishly, kindly remind yourself that it is not I who has been scurrying from one MoneyGram agent to another in a pathetically futile attempt to get your hands on my money. The local postmistress assured me that collecting money that had been transferred via MoneyGram was so easy that even a child could do it. You appear to have proved her wrong.

I have had a very busy weekend looking after our German guests. It has been terribly exhausting, constantly having to make an effort not to mention the war. I did slip up and mention it once, but I think I got away with it.

Despite my state of exhaustion after the stresses and strains of the weekend, I am going to leave the hotel after breakfast to cancel the MoneyGram transfer I made last week. I will then travel to my bank and ask my bank manager, Nat West, for advice on how best to get the money to you. My nearest Western Union agent is about twenty miles away, so if I can find an alternative way of getting the money to you I will do so.

I will get back to you when I return from the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Mon, 05 Sep 2005 11:47:52 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

We received your mail and we heard what you said that your postmistress have assured you that MoneyGram is the easiest way to collect money. Of course she is right but she did not send the money in the MoneyGram after we have went to so many MoneyGram offices.

You should understand that I am not begging you to send any money to me or for my own use, rather I want to assist you and your partner Miss Scolla Sahili so that our representing attorney will help you people to obtain all the necessary documents. I don't see the reason for you making such a statement that I want to receive your money.

Try to go back to the MoneyGram and sort things back to them and resend the money through Western Union. If you need an account number we will forward it to you so that you will send it through an account number but you should understand that an account will take some days before it will clear from the bank.

I will advise you to send it through Western Union as soon as possible with the former name which we forwarded to you.

Thanks for your co-operation,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Scolla Sahili

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM SCOLLA

Sent: Mon, 05 Sep 2005 12:37:07 +0200 (CEST)

My Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your mail and I heard what you said that you are going to meet your bank in order to know what to do in order to send the money to the security company. Try to do so as soon as possible so that we can proceed in this transaction.

I am worried about the whole situation and the way things are going in this transaction. I don't like it. You should withdraw the money from the MoneyGram and send it through Western Union money transfer. I hope that your servant stupid Manuel is causing the whole problem in this transaction.

You should do as I told you in order to send the money through Western Union.

If you send the money to them try to let me know.

Thanks and God bless you,

Scolla

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Cc: Scolla Sahili

Subject: I have transferred the money to Miss Kalu again

Sent: Mon, 05 Sep 2005 12:05:39

Mohammed,

You will no doubt be pleased to hear that I have transferred the money to Miss Kalu again. As my nearest Western Union agent is some distance away, I went to see my bank manager and asked him for his advice on the best way to transfer the money to your secretary.

As soon as he heard that I wanted to transfer money to the Ivory Coast, he suggested that I use something called the Guaranteed International Money Provision Service - or GIMPS for short. He told me that his son did some work for an international aid agency in the Ivory Coast the other year, and that he regularly transferred money to him via GIMPS. It's a small world, isn't it Mohammed?

I'd never heard of GIMPS before, but Nat West assured me that all of the major banks in the Ivory Coast are members of the GIMPS network, and he tells me that it's very easy to use. It's very like MoneyGram and Western Union, in fact.

All Miss Kalu will need to do is to go to a bank and ask the cashier for a GIMPS form. She needs to fill out the form with the information I am about to give you, answer a simple test question, and the cashier will give her the money, in cash and in a currency of her choice, immediately.

Here is the information Miss Kalu will need to get hold of the money:

Sender's name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Recipient's name: Miss Ugomma Uchechi Kalu

Amount: 700

GIMPS code: 22G-67T-874G

Test question: Don't mention what?

Answer: The war

To make things even easier for Miss Kalu, I have attached a scanned copy of the GIMPS receipt to this email. I don't think she actually needs this in order to collect the money, but I thought it would be worth sending it to you in any case. It might also be worth her while taking along some form of identification, such as a passport or a driving licence.

Incidentally, when I called into the post office to cancel the MoneyGram transfer I made last week, the postmistress was at a complete loss to explain why you had been unable to pick up the money. The transfer was definitely in the system. She reckons that your local MoneyGram agents must be completely useless.

Please let me know as soon as Miss Kalu has collected the money. I am hoping that we can manage to avoid any more delays this week: they are becoming extremely tiresome.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Why on earth didn't you tell me before that I could simply transfer the money into your bank account? That would have been far simpler and you knew I was going to the bank this morning. Oh well, it's too late for that now that I've transferred the money via GIMPS.

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Scolla Sahili

Subject: Mohammed's secretary should be able to collect the money immediately

Sent: Mon, 05 Sep 2005 12:07:03

Dear Miss Sahili,

How are you, my dear girl? Keeping well, I hope. As you will have seen from the email I just sent to Mohammed and copied to you, I have cancelled the MoneyGram transfer and transferred the money to his secretary using a system that has been recommended by my bank manager, so Miss Kalu should be able to collect the money immediately.

Please don't worry yourself, my dear girl. Mohammed and his useless secretary may have managed to foul up this transaction so far, but having taken my bank manager's advice, I am now confident that we will be able to make some real progress this week.

And don't worry about Manuel causing us any problems. After the problems he caused me with the local builders, I'm keeping him well away from this whole affair.

I am expecting good news from Mohammed later today. I will let you know as soon as he tells me that his secretary has collected the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: Has Miss Kalu collected the money yet?

Sent: Mon, 05 Sep 2005 16:37:11

Mohammed,

What's going on over there, man? Has Miss Kalu collected the money yet? Hours have passed since I told you that I'd transferred the money, so I can only presume that she has picked up the money and that your lawyer is now hard at work drafting that power of attorney for us.

You must keep me informed of what's going on at your end, Mohammed. I'm champing at the bit here, waiting for us to make some real progress, and my business partner Miss Sahili is also keen to see things move forward with speed.

With this in mind, kindly get back to me immediately with an update on the situation. There is work to be done, and this is no time for you to be sitting back in your wicker chair and toying with your paperclips while indulging in idle fantasies about the contents of your secretary's undergarments.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: STOP FOOLING YOURSELF FROM VIGA

Sent: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 10:23:33 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

Stop fooling yourself. You did not send any money to us and you are taking this transaction as a joke.

There is nothing like this GIMPS here in Cote D'Ivoire. If you don't want to follow our instruction in order to send the money through Western Union, stop further communication with us.

Thanks,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: How dare you be so insolent to me?

Sent: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 10:28:32

Mohammed,

I have just read your last email. How dare you be so insolent to me, you grubby little man? I am the man who is paying your wages in this transaction - and those of your lawyer as well - so I would ask you to address me with a modicum of courtesy and respect.

And how dare you suggest that I have not sent you any money? I have transferred money to you twice now, using two different internationally-recognised systems of money transfer: MoneyGram and GIMPS. And yet for some reason you have failed to collect the money on both occasions.

What is wrong with you, for God's sake? What are you playing at over there? My bank manager told me that GIMPS was accepted by all of the major banks in the Ivory Coast. Have you actually shifted your no doubt considerable backside out of your chair and gone to visit a bank with your secretary? You can't have done, otherwise you would have the money in your hands by now. How many banks did you try, for God's sake?

If anyone is "taking this transaction as a joke" as you put it, it would appear to be you, my man. I have been bending over backwards here to try and get this transaction moving, yet I have been met with nothing but a staggering level of either indolence or incompetence - or quite possibly both - from your end, accompanied by a succession of whining emails in which you consistently attempt to place the blame for your own inadequacies at my door.

Well it won't do, Mohammed, do you understand? I have very nearly had enough of this. If you ask me, you need to take a long hard look at your disastrous performance in this transaction up until now, and buck your ideas up.

Seeing as you and your secretary are obviously incapable of collecting money that has been sent via a simple system such as MoneyGram and GIMPS, I am loathe to attempt to send you the money via Western Union. How am I to know that you won't cock that up as well and waste even more of our precious time?

You said that you could send me details of your bank account. I suggest that you do so immediately, so that I can transfer the money directly into it. Why you didn't do this in the first place is completely beyond me. It would have saved us a lot of time.

Send me your bank account details. It may take a couple of days for the money to be transferred, but that way, nothing can possibly go wrong.

Get back to me immediately with your bank account details and I will transfer the money into it.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Scolla Sahili

Subject: Mohammed has failed to pick up the money again!

Sent: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 10:32:39

Dear Miss Sahili,

As you are probably aware, that idiot Mohammed has failed to pick up the money yet again! I sent him the money via GIMPS yesterday, but he sent me a very rude email first thing this morning, claiming that there was no such thing as GIMPS in the Ivory Coast!

That's plainly ridiculous: my bank manager assured me that all of the major banks in the Ivory Coast were members of the GIMPS network. If you ask me, Mohammed and his useless secretary probably haven't tried very hard to collect the money. They've probably just shuffled round the block to the nearest backstreet money lender, rather than taking the time to go to a proper bank.

I am sure you will agree, my dear girl, that the incompetence of this man is unbelievable. I do wish that your late mother had had the foresight to entrust her fortune to a security company that wasn't entirely staffed by educationally subnormal cretins, like this one appears to be.

Never mind. I have instructed Mohammed to send me details of his bank account so that I can transfer the money directly into it. That way, there is no way for Mohammed to foul things up.

I can only apologise for the way in which Mohammed is delaying this transaction, my dear girl. I am sure that you are finding it just as annoying as I am.

Hopefully once Mohammed sends me his bank account details we can get things moving properly at long last.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ACCOUNT INFORMATION FROM VIGA

Sent: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 16:33:22 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

We received your mail and we heard what you said that we should forward you account details information in order to make the payment as soon as possible.

Below is the account number:

Bank account details

Name: ATTOBRAT MOULOUBRA CLEMENTINE

Name of bank: BIAO-CI

Account: 22834341708X

Swift code: BIAOCIAXXX

If you make the payment try to forward us the payment slip and you should update us the exactly date the money will be cleared from our account.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Cc: Scolla Sahili

Subject: At last, we are getting somewhere

Sent: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 15:56:17

Mohammed,

Thank you for your email. At last, we are getting somewhere. Now that I have the details of your bank account I will be able to transfer the 700 directly into it and there will be no scope whatsoever for you or your secretary to mess things up.

Actually, I've just had another look at the account details you've sent me. This isn't your bank account, is it Mohammed? And it doesn't appear to be your corporate bank account either; surely the name of your corporate account would be "Viga Assistance Security Finance Company" or something like that.

Who or what is this "Attobrat Mouloubra Clementine" that you want me to transfer the money to? I insist that you explain who this person is. I'm not transferring money to someone I've never heard of before... especially not to someone who appears to be named after a fruit. That would just be stupid.

Get back to me with an explanation of who on earth this is. If you can get back to me today with a satisfactory explanation, I will travel into town first thing tomorrow morning and arrange to transfer the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 17:24:14 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

We received your mail and we noted your question about the account number which we sent to you.

The account was provided by the chairman of our company and we have been using this account for receiving money from our clients here in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire. You should proceed to transfer the money immediately.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Scolla Sahili

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ARE YOU REALLY SURE THAT YOU WANT TO ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSACTION FROM SCOLLA

Sent: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 17:53:48 +0200 (CEST)

My Dear Gilbert Murray,

I received all your mails and you are asking about the account number which the security company forwarded to you in order to send the money to them. There is no problem about the name of the account whether it is VIGA or not the most important thing is to give you the account to send the money to them in order to obtain the documents.

Are you really sure that you want to help me in this transaction? The way you are asking questions. I don't like the way you are behaving in this transaction. You requested an account to send the money to the security and they have forwarded you an account number. Now you are asking them another question.

If you are not ready to assist me in this transaction you better let me know so that I will look for another person to assist me in this transaction. I am not feeling OK because of the way things are going in this transaction.

If is your wish to assist me in this transaction you better transfer the money to them. You have been keeping one question from one question to another because of 700. You should consider my present condition here in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire and also the huge amount of fund involved in this transaction is not something to be joking with.

If you transfer the money to the security company try to let me know.

I am waiting to hear from you soonest.

Thanks and God bless you,

Scolla

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Scolla Sahili

Subject: Don't worry about a thing, my dear girl

Sent: Wed, 07 Sep 2005 09:21:22

Dear Miss Sahili,

I have just read the email you sent to me yesterday. You sounded quite upset. Mind you, that doesn't surprise me: I've been upset too at the way in which Mohammed and his useless secretary have managed to foul up everything in this transaction so far.

But please don't worry about a thing, my dear girl. Now that Mohammed has sent me details of his chairman's bank account, I will transfer the money into it this morning.

Don't worry, my dear girl. We'll get this consignment released from the security company before too long. You'll see.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: I will transfer the money this morning

Sent: Wed, 07 Sep 2005 09:24:51

Mohammed,

So, this Clementine fellow is your chairman, is he? Marvellous. I trust that he's got a bit more going on upstairs than you or your secretary seem to have.

I will travel to the bank this morning and transfer the money into your chairman's account. Await my next email.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Cc: Scolla Sahili

Subject: I have transferred the money into your chairman's bank account

Sent: Wed, 07 Sep 2005 11:04:35

Mohammed,

As you will see from the attached receipt, I have transferred the money into your chairman's bank account.

My bank advised me that the transfer will take a few days to go through. However, given the delays we have experienced already in this transaction, I was hoping that your lawyer would be able to start work on the power of attorney straight away. Do you think this will be possible? After all, nothing can possibly go wrong now, can it?

Also, despite me having asked you on numerous occasions, you still have not let me know whether you have a collecting centre in Torquay where I will be able to pick up the consignment at the end of this transaction. Please advise.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

Gilbert's forged bank transfer receipt
(Click to enlarge)

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Wed, 07 Sep 2005 17:34:59 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

We received your mail and we heard what you said that you have made the transfer to the account number we forwarded to you.

We have to wait until the money arrived and clear from the account before our lawyer will proceed to obtain the two documents.

If you are sure that you send money in the account, you should update us the exactly date the money will be cleared from the account number.

Thanks,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Cc: Scolla Sahili

Subject: We need to make arrangements for the collection of the consignment

Sent: Thu, 08 Sep 2005 09:48:19

Mohammed,

You have asked me for the precise date on which the money will appear in your chairman's account. If you had read my last email properly, you would already know that my bank told me that the transfer would take a few days. They could not say exactly how long it would take; apparently this depends to a large extent upon the efficiency of your chairman's bank. I suggest that you ask your chairman to start checking his account on a daily basis next week to see if the money has been transferred.

Now then, we need to make arrangements for the collection of this consignment. I have lost count of the number of times I have asked you if you have a collection centre in Torquay. Why are you not answering my questions? I can't work out if you're being rude or if you're just ignorant. Either way, this won't do. We have arrangements to make.

So that I can start to make plans, I would appreciate it if you could provide me with answers to the following questions by return:

Will you be able to deliver the consignment to Torquay for me to collect it? If not, please state where I will be able to collect it from.
What size is the trunk box? I need to know if it will fit in the boot of my Austin 1100.
How heavy is the trunk box? Will I be able to carry it myself, or should I bring Manuel along to help me lift it into the boot of the car? Or will one of your goons be able to assist me?
How soon after all the legal work has been completed at your end do you think I will be able to collect the consignment? Perhaps you could suggest a tentative date so that I can start to make plans.

I look forward to hearing from you by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Scolla Sahili

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM SCOLLA

Sent: Thu, 08 Sep 2005 12:26:43 +0200 (CEST)

My Dear Gilbert Murray,

I received your mail and I read your mail very carefully and I understood that you did not take the transaction serious and why are you mentioning my chairman's bank account? I am not feeling comfortable with that statement and Dr Kone Mohammed called me yesterday and showed me that payment slip which you sent to him and he told me that this is not a payment slip and the payment slip did not have any bank stamp and it is not genuine and after I cross-checked the payment slip with other peoples' payment slips it shows that your own is not genuine.

You should be wasting your time to writing to me hence you know that you are not trustworthy and honest and serious in this transaction and you are not following the instructions of Dr Kone Mohammed to send the money through Western Union. Up till now you are doing your own way.

Thanks.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Scolla Sahili

Subject: I am confused and hurt by your email

Sent: Thu, 08 Sep 2005 11:46:57

Dear Miss Sahili,

I have just read the last email you sent me and I have to say, my dear girl, that I am confused. Mind you, I don't seem to be the only one who's confused around here.

What do you mean when you say that you are "not feeling comfortable" when I refer to the chairman of Mohammed's security company? Mohammed gave me details of his chairman's bank account. That's who I'm referring to. So what are you on about, my dear girl? Is the heat getting to you?

And what is all this nonsense about the payment slip I sent to you not being genuine? Of course it's genuine: it's as genuine as that certificate of deposit you sent me the other week.

On the subject of payment slips, I was intrigued to hear that you had cross-checked it against other peoples' payment slips. How many other people have you persuaded to send you money, Miss Sahili? I thought I was the only one helping you out here. You haven't gone behind my back and got someone else involved in this business, have you? I do hope not.

And what is this rubbish about me not following Mohammed's instructions? He asked me to transfer the money via MoneyGram, so I did so. He asked me to transfer the money into his chairman's bank account, so I did so. The problems we have encountered in the course of this transaction have not been of my doing, my dear girl. I have followed Mohammed's instructions to the letter. It's his incompetence that has been to blame for these delays.

You appear to be doubting my integrity and my honesty, Miss Sahili. I find this most hurtful. I am trying to help you, my dear girl. To what do I owe this insult? I can say with my hand on my heart that I am as honest a person as you are.

The 700 is on its way to the bank account that Mohammed asked me to transfer it to. Let us wait until the money arrives. That will prove my honesty and integrity to you. In the meantime, I feel that you owe me an apology: you have hurt my feelings.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed

Subject: What have you been telling my business partner?

Sent: Thu, 08 Sep 2005 14:33:27

Mohammed,

I received an email from my business partner, Miss Sahili, this morning. She tells me that you've been making some rather nasty insinuations about me. To be specific, she tells me that you've told her that the bank transfer receipt I sent you is fake.

What on earth are you playing at, man? For one thing, what possible reason would I have for sending you a fake receipt? I have better things to do than to play kiddies' games with the likes of you. And for another thing, where do you get off, spreading completely unfounded rumours about my reliability, trustworthiness and honesty?

I have my reputation to think about, Mohammed. If word of any of your malicious rumours got back to the Lincolnshire Hoteliers' Association, I could be in a very sticky situation indeed. I'm hoping to be elected to the ruling council next year, and rumours like the ones you are spreading could scupper my chances of being elected.

I've a good mind to consult my lawyer, Welsby, about this. I could sue you for defamation of character or libel or something. So just you watch your mouth, do you hear me?

I demand an apology from you, Mohammed. I've never been so insulted in all my life. Wait until that money is transferred into your chairman's bank account. Then we'll see if that bank transfer receipt is genuine or not.

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Kone Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: INFORMATION FROM VIGA ASSISTANCE SECURITY COMPANY ABIDJAN

Sent: Fri, 09 Sep 2005 10:15:56 +0200 (CEST)

Attention to Mr Gilbert Murray.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

This is to inform you to recall your money back from the account number which you sent to us. We are not interested in your money and your transaction.

After we have discussed in the board meeting we found out that you are insulting us in this transaction. We have told your partner to look for another person to help her because you are not the right person and you are not straightforward.

Try to recall your money back from the bank and stop further communication with us.

Thanks,

Dr Kone Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Kone Mohammed; Scolla Sahili

Subject: You are a fraud!

Sent: Fri, 09 Sep 2005 09:44:49

"Miss Sahili"/"Mohammed",

So, you have just found out that I have been insulting you in this transaction, have you? You must have had to gather your finest minds together to come to that conclusion.

And you say that you're not interested in my money? That's strange: you were interested in it enough last week to travel backwards and forwards to the MoneyGram office like a complete fool, and to travel from bank to bank in a vain attempt to find one that would cash the GIMPS receipt I sent you. What has changed things since then?

Mind you, your discovery that I have been insulting you in this transaction is nothing compared to what I found out this morning. I have just returned from town, where I visited my lawyer, Welsby, in order to discuss the possibility of suing you for libel and defamation of character. I explained the whole situation to Welsby, and he asked to see copies of the emails that you had sent me, which I had printed out and taken with me.

Welsby examined the emails carefully - both your own emails and those that Miss Sahili had sent to me. Imagine my shock and horror when Welsby pronounced that in his opinion you were not in fact a director of a security company, and that you were in fact nothing but a detestable little conman!

I asked Welsby to justify the conclusion he had reached. He explained to me that in order to be a director of a security company, one would probably have to be considerably better educated than you obviously are. He also pointed out that a director of a security company would probably have a good deal more common sense than you, and that it would be highly unlikely that someone of that calibre would have wasted so much of their time going back to the MoneyGram office like an idiot, or going from bank to bank in an attempt to find one that accepted GIMPS.

To add to my shock, Welsby pointed out that the emails that had been sent to me by you and "Miss Sahili" shared a number of striking similarities: the same atrocious spelling, the same appalling grammar, the same wheedling, whining tone. Welsby pronounced that in all probability, you and "Miss Sahili" are actually one and the same person: some grubby little criminal sitting in an internet cafe trying to con honest people like myself out of our hard-earned cash.

Well, as soon as I heard this, I went straight to the bank and cancelled that bank transfer I made the other day. The 700 is now safely back in my possession. I can only be thankful that you have proved yourself to be too hideously stupid to get your hands on my money.

Shame on you, "Mohammed". Have you no common decency?

Anyway, you will be pleased to hear that Welsby has a brother who works in the anti-fraud department of Interpol, and he has forwarded all of your details onto him. I am confident that it won't be long before you find yourself where you belong: behind bars, where hopefully you will be forced to share a cell with a large, violent man called Bubba who will force you to be his sexual plaything.

Still, things could be worse: you could be a guest in my hotel.

Gilbert Murray