If you thought that I was ridiculing you in my last email, then I can only apologise and tell you that nothing could have been further from my mind. I think you must have misunderstood me, my dear fellow.

Please read the last email I sent to you again. If you do, you will find that I said that (and I quote) "If your wife is in need of drugs and you're not in a position to be able to pay for them yourself, I'd be only too happy to help you out." How is this ridiculing you, my dear chap? I am offering to help here. Now tell me which drugs your wife needs and I will see what I can do to help.

As for the bank, Mr Koffi contacted me yesterday and told me that they were waiting for some information from me. I replied to him and asked him exactly what information they were waiting for, but he has yet to get back to me. Hopefully he will get back to me before the close of business today.

I have to say, I don't think much of this bank's customer service. It's very poor: they take ages to respond to my queries.

Get back to me with details of the drugs your wife needs, my friend. The sooner you do, the sooner we can put an end to her suffering.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I said I would be happy to help you out

Sent: Wed, 24 May 2006 12:26:11 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Thanx to ur response. I am sorry if both of us has misunderstood ourselves, as for me I have no problem with you my dear friend, I am just a simple man by nature.

But I do believe that since both of us has some link, nothing stops us from sharing even our private issues as either friends or partners.

The situation at hand is even more pathetic as the doctor is requiring for five pints of blood, due to my wife's pregnancy that the illness has caused, already I have managed to get the drugs this morning which the doctor has administered on her, though the remaining ones are not that expensive, they are intravenous injections that I can afford to buy.

Each pint of blood is about 80,000 CFA equivalent to $200 and I cannot afford this right now. In fact I am so confused, coming out from one problem and facing another. I am just pleading that even if it is just two pints u can afford to assist me with I will try my best to get the rest hopefully by tomorrow or next.

Concerning the delay from the bank, I think they are taking their time. They will surely get back to u as soon as they are through. I hope so. If I am chanced tomorrow I will try to breeze in and see the Director myself to know exactly what is happening.

Waiting hearing from u.

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Still no word from Mr Helmet

Sent: Thu, 25 May 2006 09:23:55

Dear Mr Sezier,

Still no word from Mr Helmet or Mr Koffi at the bank, I'm afraid. Is there any chance you could do as you suggested yesterday and pop in there to have a word with them? They say that they're waiting for some information from me, but unless they get back to me and tell me exactly what it is they need, I don't see how we are going to move this business forward.

What a shame your late client didn't deposit his money in a more customer-oriented bank. The staff at my own bank, Bartletts, are the quintessence of customer service. Mr Helmet and his henchmen could learn a lot from them.

Regarding your wife, I am delighted to hear that you have managed to pay for the drugs she needed. You say that she needs blood now? Well, I would consider it an honour to be able to help you out in your time of need. It's the least I can do, given the good turn you've done me by introducing me to this transaction. Tell me, my friend, what blood group is your wife?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Christian Helmut

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Find as required?

Sent: Thu, 25 May 2006 10:09:23 GMT

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

From the desk of Mr Christian Helmut

Sir,

The following informations were requested from you to enable us to have an update on your file prior we proceed to approve your payment as were informed earlier in our last correspondence to you. You also failed to fill your phone & fax numbers respectively in the application letter.

Find as follows:

Death certificate from where the family were confirmed death.
The last working place of the deceased.
What age was he before he died?
A copy of your international passport/driver's licence for proper identification.

Regards,

Mr Christian Helmut

Director of Foreign Remittance Operation, Ecobank, Lome, Togo

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: They have already sent a message to u!

Sent: Thu, 25 May 2006 05:25:24 -0700 (PDT)

Hello Mr Murray,

I was at the bank this morning and was informed by the Director of Foreign Remittance Mr Christian that they have already written u this morning in respect to ur last correspondence with them. Though I did query him for their delayed response, and he promised expediting action when next ur matter comes to them.

The blood group my wife belongs is "O" as requested by u and I am just returning from the blood bank to ascertain if they have such in stock and I was informed by the manager of the firm that they have just eight remaining.

According to the doctor the blood is required today or tomorrow morning to enable him to commence operation, although I promised providing them as soon as possible.

I am waiting to hearing from u soonest!

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Christian Helmut

Subject: I will get back to you

Sent: Fri, 26 May 2006 09:55:21

Dear Mr Helmet,

Thank you for your email. Close as I was to my late uncle, I do not have a copy of his death certificate to hand at the moment, so I will have to look into getting a copy for you.

I will get back to you as soon as I have the documentation and information you require.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Mr Helmet wants to see Mr Murray's death certificate!

Sent: Fri, 26 May 2006 10:08:53

Dear Mr Sezier,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier. I have been working flat out to get the shop sign finished for Mr Panis the greengrocer. I just have to put the finishing touches to it today, then I will be able to deliver it to him this afternoon.

Mr Helmet has been in touch. Apparently he needs to see a copy of Mr Murray's death certificate. What are we going to do, my friend? Obviously, I don't have a copy. Do you? If neither of us has a copy, how are we going to get our hands on this money?

On top of this, Mr Helmet wants to know where Mr Murray was working when he died, and what age he was. I don't know the answer to either of these questions. What should I do? Should I make it up?

I'm worried, Mr Sezier: if we can't satisfy Mr Helmet that I was related to the late Mr Murray, we won't be able to persuade the bank to let us have his money. I don't know what to do. Please advise me, my friend.

Now then, about this blood that your wife needs. I've been speaking to my own wife, Elizabeth, about this, and she agrees that we should definitely do whatever we can to help you out.

You said that the blood bank wanted to charge you $200 for each pint of blood, and that your wife needed five pints. That comes to $1,000! That's an outrageous amount of money to charge someone in dire medical need. The people at the blood bank ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Well don't you worry, my friend, because Elizabeth and I have worked out how we can get your wife the blood that she urgently needs without having to pay the blood bank such a ridiculously high amount. After all, why pay for blood when we've got perfectly good blood running around in our veins that we can get to for nothing? As it happens, both my wife and I are blood group "O" - and so is our son, Gilbert Jnr - so we are all the same blood group as your wife... well, my wife is fairly sure that she's blood group "O". It's either that or blood group "A"; she can't quite remember. But anyway, I'm sure that won't matter when it's all mixed together. It'll be mostly type "O".

Right, here's the plan. We have some syringes in the bathroom cabinet. They're a throwback to Gilbert Jnr's days as a smack addict (don't worry, he assures us that he's been clean for months now, and he only used to share needles when there was absolutely no alternative). We've decided that the three of us are each going to donate just over one and a half pints of blood. Given Gilbert Jnr's experience with syringes, it shouldn't be a problem for him to take the blood from us. We'll put the blood into a couple of thermos flasks, pack them well with some insulating polystyrene foam, and have the package couriered over to you right away.

I'll get the courier company to deliver the blood to your business address (14 Rue de Boulvard, Lome, Togo). We've arranged for someone from DHL to come and collect the blood from us later this morning. I'm paying for their express delivery service, so they reckon they'll be able to get it onto a plane tonight and delivered to you early tomorrow morning.

So, you tell your wife not to worry. There'll be five pints of the finest Murray blood arriving on your doorstep tomorrow morning. As soon as it arrives, you can take it straight to the hospital and get them to syphon it into her or whatever it is that they do. I'm only glad that we have been able to help you out in your time of need. Well, that's what friends are for. One good turn deserves another.

I'd better go and wake up Gilbert Jnr so that we can make sure we get the blood all safely packaged up before the courier arrives.

Do get back to me and let me know what you think we should do about this death certificate business, and about those questions Mr Helmet is asking. I'm depending on your advice here, my friend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: My blood is on its way to you as we speak

Sent: Fri, 26 May 2006 15:16:37

Dear Mr Sezier,

Good news, my friend: the DHL courier has just been to collect that blood for your wife. Hopefully it should be with you tomorrow as planned. Do let me know when it arrives so I know that you've got it.

Taking the blood actually turned out to be fairly traumatic: although Gilbert Jnr knows his way around a syringe, he did point out that he was more used to injecting things into his bloodstream rather than drawing blood out of a vein and into a syringe.

He had particular difficulty in finding a suitable vein in Elizabeth's arm. In fact he made such a hash of the whole affair that the poor woman fainted. That wasn't altogether a bad thing, as it turned out; it was much easier for Gilbert Jnr to find a vein while Elizabeth was out for the count, as she didn't move around so much. In fact he found it so much easier to draw blood out of her inert body that by the time she came round he'd drawn nearly two and a half pints out of her. When I told her that, she fainted again.

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that a nice cup of tea and a chocolate digestive restored her back to her normal self. And now all that's over and done with, the blood is on its way to you as we speak.

Could I ask a favour of you, my dear fellow? Could I ask you to hang onto the two thermos flasks after your wife's doctor has poured the blood out of them? We're coming up to summer now, you see, and they come in ever so handy for picnics. On top of that, they're done out in the same tartan pattern as our picnic rug, so we really don't want to lose them. I'd appreciate it.

I'm off now to deliever the sign I've been working on all week to Mr Panis. I do hope he likes it. I look forward to hearing from you regarding how we deal with Mr Helmet's requests.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Mr Helmet wants to see Mr Murray's death certificate!

Sent: Fri, 26 May 2006 12:42:20 -0700 (PDT)

Hello Mr Murray,

Many thanks to ur response. I am well pleased with ur effort and that of ur wife concerning my wife's situation. I was persuaded by the doctor's order this morning that I have to travel down to my village to raise some money in order to get the five pints of blood requested, so I have sent them to the doctor before coming to meet ur response. This took me the whole day running round to ensure the safety of my wife's life who is about to give birth. I think it wouldn't be necessary for u to bother urself as regards to this very matter. I must say thanks for ur concern.

Coming to that of my late client:

Late Mr John Murray was a contractor with Shell Development Company here in Lome.
Late Mr John Murray was 63 years old before his untimely death.

Concerning the death certificate issue I will be visiting the hospital where late Mr John Murray and his family members were confirmed dead by tomorrow morning to find out what will be required to get this document out. Although tomorrow will be Saturday I am afraid if the medical doctor who conducted the autopsy will be on site as I read from a newspaper recently that he was among doctors slated to travel to United States for an exchange programme.

That wouldn't be much problem as I will talk to the associate doctor whom I met the day the report of their death came to me. Say me well to ur wife and son. Tell them that my family appreciates ur concerns and efforts so far. I will do my best to ensure that we achieve our aim from this end.

You should keep these informations as they are yet to be completed. Have u reached the bank concerning the required infos? Then I will advise that u keep fit for now until we have succeeded in obtaining the rest of the information.

Until then I remain urs sincerely,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Did the blood arrive safely this morning?

Sent: Sat, 27 May 2006 15:02:52

Dear Mr Sezier,

Did the blood I couriered over to you arrive safely this morning? I trust that it did and that the doctors were able to pump it straight into your ailing wife's veins before her situation worsened too much. Do let me know.

Thank you for the information regarding your late client, by the way. I will do as you suggest and wait until we have Mr Murray's death certificate before contacting the bank again.

Bad news regarding that sign I made last week for Mr Panis. In my rush to get the sign completed in time I made a tiny little mistake with his name. I was only one letter out, but it was enough to make him very angry indeed. It's a bank holiday over here this weekend, but I'll be spending most of it repainting the sign for Mr Panis. I really will have to take more care over my work in the future.

Anyway, do get back to me and let me know whether the blood arrived safely... and let me know what you manage to find out about that death certificate we need. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Don't forget to hang onto those thermos flasks for me, will you? If you could give them a good wash once the doctors have poured the blood out of them, that'd be great.

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Did the blood arrive safely this morning?

Sent: Mon, 29 May 2006 04:51:50 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Compliments of the new week. I am yet to receive the package as u did mention. Did u include my phone number in the package? Though upon arrival it wouldn't be necessary as I have already informed that I have gotten the required number of pints needed. My wife will be discharged in fourteen days time from now as the doctor rightly said. I have to run round for the hospital bill as soon as she has been discharged.

Well coming to our negotiation, I met the associate doctor this morning as u were informed, and I was directed to obtain clearance from the Ministry of Health prior such document will be issued to me and I have been in touch with the concern and after obtaining the clearance I was asked by the associate doctor to pay CFA 400,000, equivalent to $850 for the procurement. This is how far I have gone so far, how do we get this done as u are already aware of my financial position?

I am waiting to hear from u soonest so that we shall sort this matter out immediately.

Regards,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I am concerned to hear that the blood hasn't arrived yet

Sent: Mon, 29 May 2006 20:05:33

Dear Mr Sezier,

Thank you for your email. While I'm glad to hear that your wife is going to be OK, I'm rather concerned to hear that the blood I couriered over to you hasn't arrived yet. I poured the blood into our two best thermos flasks, and if they've been lost by the courier company I won't be best pleased, I can tell you that for nothing. Keep an eye out for the package will you, and be sure to let me know as soon as it arrives. The wife will hit the roof if she thinks I've lost her best flasks.

What's this document you were talking to the doctor about this morning? Is this something to do with your wife's illness? And why does the man want all that money for it? I don't understand.

Anyway, back to business. What about this death certificate you were going to find out about? Is there any news about that? Do let me know as soon as you find out something about it.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Do give my best wishes to your wife. I'm sure that the blood she finally ended up with won't be the same quality as mine and my wife's, but tell her I hope that it does the trick for her.

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I am concerned to hear that the blood hasn't arrived yet

Sent: Tue, 30 May 2006 06:36:02 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

I have explained in my last mail that the doctor is requesting $850 including stamp duty to issue the death certificate. So this is the true position of things here. I am yet to receive the package as at today. If only like I met the doctor who conducted the autopsy things could have been different as I did explain in my mail before. We have no choice for now.

Thanks and God bless,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Oh, I see what you mean now

Sent: Tue, 30 May 2006 15:06:28

Dear Mr Sezier,

Oh, I see what you mean now: the doctor is asking for $850 to let you have a copy of John Murray's death certificate! I thought you were talking about some document to do with your wife's illness.

Tell me, Mr Sezier, how can the doctor possibly justify demanding $850 for a copy of a death certificate? How difficult can it possibly be for the man to get a document out of a filing cabinet and photocopy it? If everybody had the audacity to charge $850 simply for photocopying a single document, office juniors would be amongst the highest-paid people in the land!

If you ask me, my friend, the doctor is trying it on with you. If I were you, I'd go right back to him and tell him exactly where he can stick his demand for $850... then tell him that if he doesn't give you a copy of John Murray's death certificate - free of charge - by tomorrow, you're going to report him to whatever passes for the BMA in your country and have him struck off.

It pays not to mess around with these people, Mr Sezier. You've got to show them who's boss.

Get back to the doctor as soon as you can and let me know how you get on, and please try to get a move on, my friend: this thing seems to be taking forever. I'm going on holiday at the end of next week and it'd be nice to have everything done and dusted before I go away.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I'm going to get onto DHL about those flasks of blood I sent you to see if I can find out what's happened to them. I'm getting very worried now about those flasks. My wife will do her nut if she thinks you've lost them.

From: Christian Helmut

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Reminder from Ecobank

Sent: Tue, 30 May 2006 15:08:35 GMT

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

From the desk of Mr Christian Helmut

Sir,

I am pleased to inform you that we are yet to receive the required informations to enable us to carry out our duty promptly.

Upon the receipt of this informations the Security Document Department (SDD) will clear your application letter for approvals to be issued prior to the transfer. Never, you failed to include your phone and fax numbers respectively for us to communicate with you as the transfer process progresses.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Christian Helmut

Director of Foreign Remittance Operation, Ecobank, Lome, Togo

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Christian Helmut; Cc: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Re: Reminder from Ecobank

Sent: Tue, 30 May 2006 16:44:06

Dear Mr Helmet,

Thank you for your email. I am well aware that you have yet to receive the information that you requested from me. I currently have everything you need apart from a copy of my late uncle's death certificate, and I am doing my best to obtain that as quickly as possible.

Please bear with me. I will get back to you with everything you need as soon as I can.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Mr Helmet is hassling me to send him the information

Sent: Tue, 30 May 2006 16:48:42

Dear Mr Sezier,

As you will have seen from the email I have just forwarded to you, Mr Helmet is hassling me to send him the information. How are things going at your end regarding getting your hands on a copy of the death certificate? Have you made any progress with that doctor?

If you don't mind me saying so, Mr Sezier, you don't seem to be treating this matter with quite the urgency it deserves. There is $24.5 million at stake here, my friend. I would have thought that would have been all the justification you needed to move this business straight to the top of your list of priorities, but obviously not.

Given all the worry that your wife's ill health must have caused you recently, I did wonder whether you were finding it difficult to cope with everything at the moment. With this in mind, I wondered if it might be worth me having a word with my own lawyer, Welsby, to see if he could help us out here and take some of the weight off your shoulders. Welsby's a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. As I may have mentioed before, he also charges extremely reasonable fees.

Welsby's got the sharpest legal brain I've ever come across. He proved invaluable the other year after an unfortunate incident involving a particularly heavy shop sign I had designed, a couple of rather inadequate mounting brackets, a group of schoolchildren who were sheltering beneath the sign to keep out of the rain and an unusually heavy gust of wind.

Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges against me dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved families.

I can't recommend Welsby highly enough. Let me know if you'd like me to contact him, my dear fellow. I am sure he would be able to help us out in this business.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Mr Helmet is hassling me to send him the information

Sent: Wed, 31 May 2006 02:49:05 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Many thanx to ur response. As at today I haven't yet received the package from the courier company. My children go to school and nobody is at home for now. Maybe the courier company have tried to deliver directly to my home without the presence of someone around, that's why I asked if my phone number was indicated in the package.

As u are already aware I have tried my best, both by obtaining the clearance form from the Ministry of Health with CFA 45,000 which I have submitted to the doctor for him to issue the death certificate.

If u think it otherwise for ur lawyer to issue the certificate that will be better, but wouldn't the bank here query why it wasn't issued where the accident occurred?

Like I did inform in my last email, if only the doctor who conducted the autopsy were around things could have been easier for us. You also mentioned why can't I use my position as a lawyer to dictate for the doctor while he is carrying out his administrative duties. For now there is nothing I can do to help as I am presently financially incapacitated. U already know. I am even looking for ways in which I will get some money ready in case my wife is discharged from the hospital in a fortnight from now. She is responding to treatment.

Have u written to the bank informing them that u will soon produce what they are demanding for? If u wouldn't mind Mr Murray let's approach this doctor and get this done without all this argument. I would have even preferred that u come down here and get things done by urself to avoid further suspicion or questioning.

Thanks and God bless,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I don't understand what the problem is

Sent: Wed, 31 May 2006 11:20:55

Dear Mr Sezier,

I'm confused, my friend. On Monday you told me that you would have to pay CFA 400,000 to get hold of the late Mr Murray's death certificate, and that you couldn't afford that much money. Today, you have told me that you have paid CFA 45,000 to obtain the certificate.

Can you can understand why I am confused, Mr Sezier? I can only presume that you took my advice and went to see the doctor to tell him that CFA 400,000 was a ridiculous amount to demand for a copy of a death certificate, and that he subsequently reduced his demand to CFA 45,000, which sounds like a more reasonable amount. Is that what happened?

But given that you have just told me that you have paid the doctor CFA 45,000 for the certificate, what's the problem now? Presumably now that you have paid the doctor he will give you a copy of the death certificate, so we will be able to forward it on to Mr Helmet and his gang. When do you think you will receive a copy of the death certificate from the doctor?

I told you yesterday that I am going on holiday in just over a week's time, my friend. It would be nice if we could tie everything up before then, which means that time is now of the essence.

Let me know when we can expect to receive a copy of the death certificate so that I can get back to Mr Helmet.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Regarding the blood that I sent you, I didn't send it to your home address; I sent it to your work address. DHL are looking into its whereabouts right now. I'm hoping they're going to get back to me with an update later today. I don't mind telling you that I'm starting to get seriously worried about those thermos flasks. If they've gone missing, my wife will never forgive you, Mr Sezier.

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: There is no problem only u failed to understand my explanations

Sent: Wed, 31 May 2006 09:18:32 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Mr Murray you shouldn't draw back my words as I have explained time without number that I was asked by the doctor to obtain a clearance certificate form from the Ministry of Health prior to the death certificate could be issued to me and I paid CFA 45,000 to get that form from the ministry. On getting to him for the issuance he said their charges to issue such a document "death certificate" is $850 equivalent.

Where have I made u confused? It's quite simple my dear friend. If only I was able to pay for this document, do u think I have to call on u to be hearing all this? You should understand that I have a lot of things to think about as such I really want that we move straight to the point rather than this repetition of mails. The problem is for all of us hence I contacted u Mr Murray but u should have realised my position otherwise we don't need to be talking about all this issue any more.

I am sorry for late responses as I have to be moving from my office to the house and to the hospital. All this are for me as my children are all in the boarding school.

I am waiting,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Ah, I see what you mean now

Sent: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 09:40:39

Dear Mr Sezier,

Ah, I see what you mean now. I was getting confused. I thought you meant that you had already paid the doctor for the death certificate, but now I see that you have only paid the Ministry of Health for the clearance that is required before you can obtain a copy of the death certificate.

Perhaps if you had explained things a little more clearly, I would have understood things more quickly. You lawyers are all the same: you never seem to use one word when you can use a hundred. May I suggest that you try and put things a little more simply in the future, my dear fellow? Let's have less of your dense, abstruse legal verbiage. You're not writing a legal document now, you know.

Anyway, I think I see what the problem is now: you need to pay the doctor $850 in order to get a copy of the death certificate. Is that it?

I still think that's an awful lot of money to demand for a single document. However, if you don't think there's any way you can persuade the doctor to accept less, I suppose we have no option but to pay the man and have done with it.

You say you can't afford to pay this yourself. Can I help out in any way? Let me know.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. DHL seem to be having some difficulty in tracking those flasks of blood that I sent you. Have they turned up at your work address yet?

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Ah, I see what you mean now

Sent: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 04:17:48 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Happy reading from u. Like I did explained b/4 that since my wife is not at home and my childrens are all in the boarding school, so it will not be easy for DHL people to see anyone upon delivery and besides, my secretary hasn't told me such as I have repeatedly demanded from her if anyone has delivered any package.

I have tried to persuade the doctor this morning, but according to him he said it's the laid down procedure and besides, the government imposed certain levies to raise enough money for the Togolaise national team going to the World Cup.

The earlier we get this document done the better for our quest to receive this money from the bank. It seems it's only the document that is delaying right now. As u can see the only money I have now is just CFA 70,000 and I got this money through my in law who arrived from Abidjan yesterday afternoon to see the sister and that for now is for security in case my wife is being discharged from the hospital. Even my first son came this morning saying that money is required to get some handout for his exams, but I couldn't risk giving him the money because I don't know what the doctor's charge will be.

I will advise that if u can help get this done I will be willing to handle the issuance through the doctor here as I am still having the clearance form with me. If u don't mind u send the money with the name of my secretary Miss Susan Ete or my name Barr Zeng Sezier by Western Union money transfer or MoneyGram for easy collection. Also do send the transfer informations along.

I await ur reply soonest,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: How much money do you need?

Sent: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 15:14:41

Dear Mr Sezier,

Thank you for your email. So, the doctor is having to charge so much money for the death certificate in order to pay for the Togo football team to visit the World Cup, is he? It hardly seems worthwhile, given Togo's dismal chances of making it past the first round.

Do you realise that the money we give to the doctor will merely be going towards helping your country to humiliate itself on the worldwide sporting stage? If you ask me, your team may as well stay at home, put their feet up and watch the World Cup from the comfort of their own homes. It'd save a lot of unnecessary disappointment.

I don't know... football seems to be taking over nearly every aspect of modern life. I expect everyone in Togo has started flying the national flag in preparation for the World Cup? Over here there are England flags flying everywhere you look. There's a retired Wing Commander who lives in the village who is flying so many England flags in his front garden that you can hardly see his house. Mad old goat.

Anyway, enough about football. Back to business. How much money do you need me to send you, my dear fellow? Let me know and I'll see what I can do. I'm just putting the finishing touches to a new shop sign I'm making for the local grocer, Mr Wickhead, and I'm expecting him to pay me in cash once I've installed it above his shop tomorrow, so I shouldn't be short of a few bob.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Any sign of those thermos flasks? It looks as if the weather's going to be good this weekend, and the wife's talking about going for a picnic.

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: How much money do you need?

Sent: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:56:38 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Thanx to ur response. As I have explained severally to u, you can see my financial position. As u can see I have presently just CFA 70,000 left with me which my in law gave to me in case my wife is discharged from the hospital, except u will like me to spend it in place of its original purpose.

I don't have money. That's why I am fighting hard to ensure the transfer of this money, because I know after this I will have enough money to take care of every problem around me. Please do hesitate for us to conclude this very matter with the bank since there is every indication for them to transfer this money to ur account after satisfying them with their requirement.

Look, the week is almost coming to an end. Let's face new development by next week Mr Murray by getting this document issued. After writing u yesterday I have talked to the secretary to the Minister of Health of Togo concerning this very matter. She confirmed with the doctor's demand, so I was satisfied that we are not being ripped off by the doctor.

If I should get the money from u in time today definitely the document will be issued and I will forward it to u immediately. I have written u how u can send ur part over here.

The government has allowed the footballers to dictate what they want to be paid knowing fully well that they are not a match to any other World Cup team. I am not a real follower of the Togolaise team because I know they would not satisfy my love for football.

Regards,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Shall I send you a cheque then?

Sent: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 10:14:33

Dear Mr Sezier,

Thank you for your email. I really am sorry to hear that you're so strapped for cash at the moment. You barristers really don't make a lot of money over there in Togo, do you? It must make you wonder whether it was worth spending all that time and effort studying for a degree in law when despite being in the legal profession you don't appear to be any better off than your average goatherd.

Never mind. It seems that the only way we're going to make any progress here is for me to bail you out. You reckon you need $850, do you? Well how shall I get it to you? Shall I pop a cheque in the post? Let me know.

I must say, I think it's terrible the way that your government seems to have allowed your footballers to fund their wages out of your country's health service. Just imagine what it'd be like if the British government funded our World Cup team in the same way: "So, you want a hip replacement, do you madam? Well David Beckham's after a new Ferrari, so that'll be 120,000 thank you very much". It just wouldn't be cricket.

Anyway, get back to me and let me know whether a cheque will be OK for you. I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Still no sign of those thermos flasks, I take it? Have you thought of asking around your legal chambers to see if anyone on your staff has signed for them when you were away at the hospital? Given the fact that you lawyers seem to be paid peanuts over there, I wouldn't be surprised if someone had signed for the flasks and then flogged them down at the local market to make a few extra quid. Find out for me, will you?

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The better option

Sent: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 04:57:46 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

I have suspended my activities of the day just to see that we sort this issue out once and for all. Cheque wouldn't be viable as its arrival here will take some time and also considering the processing of it from the bank again.

Just send the money through Western Union money transfer or MoneyGram. I think that will be more better for all of us, instead of going through another hard process again. I wish to receive the money today and then see the doctor immediately for the issuance of the certificate.

Regards,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I'll transfer the money to you on Monday morning

Sent: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 15:44:28

Dear Mr Sezier,

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, I won't be able to transfer the money to you today; I'm just putting the finishing touches to Mr Wickhead's sign, and then I'll be popping over to his shop to install the sign above the door, so that's my afternoon completely taken up.

There really was no need for you to take the afternoon off, my dear fellow. In fact, given the pitifully small amount of money that you appear to earn, taking the afternoon off doesn't seem like a very sensible thing to do at all. If I were you I'd get right back to work and earn some more money. It sounds as if you need all the money you can lay your hands on at the moment.

Seeing as you'd rather I didn't send the money to you by cheque, I'll transfer it to you first thing on Monday morning. I'm sure the local post office does MoneyGram transfers, so that shouldn't be a problem.

Do have a pleasant weekend, my dear chap. I'll get back to you on Monday as soon as I've transferred the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Have you asked around at work to see whether any of your staff knows anything about those thermos flasks full of blood that I sent you? I really am getting worried about their whereabouts now.

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Have a wonderful weekend!

Sent: Sat, 03 Jun 2006 01:48:58 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Thanx to ur message. Actually yesterday was a kind of free day here, there was some kind of campaign for free donation to the national team of Togo, so most areas was quite busy. That's why I decided to stay back in the office.

However, the weekend is almost finished, though tomorrow I will be travelling to my village to settle some matters with my family members and I will be back by Monday morning. By Monday I will ask members of my office if they did receive any package on my behalf.

Thanx and have a wonderful weekend and extend my warm greetings to ur family.

Regards,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I have transferred the $850 to you

Sent: Mon, 05 Jun 2006 09:31:27

Dear Mr Sezier,

I trust that you had a pleasant weekend with your relations in the village and that the family goat is keeping well. My weekend could have been better. Unfortunately I made a small mistake when painting Mr Wickhead's sign last week - I got his name slightly wrong - and he wasn't best pleased when he saw it hanging above his shop door. I was only one letter out, but I still had to spend the whole weekend repainting the sign to correct my error.

Anyway, you will be pleased to hear that I visited the post office this morning and transferred the $850 to you via MoneyGram. According to the postmistress, you will need the following information to collect the money:

Sender's name: Gilbert Arnold Murray
Recipient's name: Zeng Sezier
Amount sent: $850
Test question: The grocer's name?
Answer: Mr Wickhead
Reference number: 86926465

The postmistress also informed me that you may have to show some identification when you go to collect the money, so it would probably a good idea to take your passport or driving licence along with you.

Please get back to me as soon as you have collected the money. Presuming you pick it up this morning and get it to the doctor today, how long do you think it will be before the doctor is able to let you have a copy of the death certificate?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Have you collected the money yet?

Sent: Mon, 05 Jun 2006 16:34:58

Dear Mr Sezier,

How are things at your end? Have you collected the money from your nearest MoneyGram agent yet? If so, have you given it to the doctor, and when do you think he will be able to get a copy of the death certificate for you?

Please get back to me as soon as you can and let me know the current situation. I am keen to move things forward with Mr Helmet at the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I am yet to collect the money

Sent: Mon, 05 Jun 2006 10:09:46 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Thanx to your message. Today is Pentecost Day, so it's being observed here as such workers have a free day. Definitely tomorrow morning as soon as I get the money out from the MoneyGram office I will surely go to the doctor immediately.

From the look of things it wouldn't take that much time for him to issue the certificate since I have already obtained the clearance form from the Ministry of Health and it's with him the doctor. I must surely do my best from this end to ensure that the document be issued tomorrow.

My regards,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The information is incorrect!!

Sent: Tue, 06 Jun 2006 06:14:18 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

I have been to the bank this morning and they said the infomations are incorrect. Could you pls resend the exact informations as there seems to be some problems.

Upon the correct informations I will again visit the bank to collect the money for the said purpose. The number to be precise is incorrect.

Until then I remain sincerely,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I am terribly sorry, I made a mistake

Sent: Tue, 06 Jun 2006 15:19:22

Dear Mr Sezier,

I'm terribly sorry, my dear friend, but I've made the silliest of mistakes: I made an error when I was typing the MoneyGram reference number into the email I sent to you yesterday. Having looked again at the receipt I got from the post office, the reference number is actually 86920465, not 86926465 as I mistakenly told you yesterday.

It was an understandable mistake - the postmistress doesn't have the neatest of handwriting - but I apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Now that you have the correct reference number, I trust that you will be able to go back to the MoneyGram agent and collect the money straight away. Please do get back to me as soon as my money is safe in your hands.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I am terribly sorry, I made a mistake

Sent: Wed, 07 Jun 2006 05:33:23 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

What is happening? The informations u sent could not be traced. Why? You keep sending inaccurate informations. I think u know what u are doing. I thank u for that.

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I don't understand. Here's the receipt

Sent: Wed, 07 Jun 2006 13:55:12

Dear Mr Sezier,

I don't understand what the problem is. Granted, I made a mistake when I first gave you the MoneyGram reference number, but you've definitely got the correct one now. I've attached a copy of the MoneyGram receipt to this email so that you can see for yourself.

I have to say, I'm not too happy at the thought of my money being stuck in the system like this. $850 is a lot of money, my dear fellow. I do hope the MoneyGram people haven't lost it.

Have you thought of going to a different MoneyGram agent? Perhaps the agent you've been going to doesn't really know what they're doing. Try going to a different agent and let me know how you get on, my friend.

I'll be busy for the next couple of days - until I go away on Thursday night - making a new shop sign for Mr Gumshot the jeweller. He specialises in pearl necklaces and he's asked me to make a new sign for his shop that includes his new logo: "Come to Gumshots for a perfect pearl necklace".

Anyway, get back to me as soon as you can and let me know how you get on at a different MoneyGram agent: I'm starting to get worried about this.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: What's going on at your end?

Sent: Wed, 07 Jun 2006 15:58:22

Dear Mr Sezier,

What's going on at your end? Have you sorted out the problem? Have you collected the money from a different MoneyGram agent?

I'm going on holiday for ten days tomorrow evening. If we don't get this sorted out by then, I don't know what we're going to do. I suppose we'll have to wait until I get back, and I'd rather not leave things that long.

Please get back to me immediately and tell me what the current situation is. I'm extremely anxious about this whole affair. Everything I send you seems to go missing: first of all it was those thermos flasks full of blood, and now my $850. Does anything work properly over there in Togo?

Get back to me at once, Mr Sezier. I am waiting.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This is the situation for now!

Sent: Wed, 07 Jun 2006 12:20:07 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

Thanks to ur message. I have tried my best throughout the day to sort this out with the MoneyGram office. Therefore I would advise that by tomorrow morning if I do try again since there is only one MoneyGram office here to please see that u resend this through Western Union money transfer.

I will keep u updated before u depart for ur travel as there are many Western Union money transfer offices in different locations here. Besides the MoneyGram office here is a beehive where many people rushes for collection making it so difficult for the staff to sort one's problem out.

It's never my fault Mr Murray as I have suffered enough since yesterday to see things through. You should know that this is a third world country where things do not work like in the western world.

The good news is that my wife just put to bed of a baby boy today evening, so should help thank God for the great thing he has done for my family despite my wife's recent illness.

Until tomorrow morning,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: This is most annoying

Sent: Thu, 08 Jun 2006 09:42:21

Dear Mr Sezier,

This is most annoying, my dear fellow. These delays at your end are becoming extremely irritating. What on earth is going on at your end? How difficult can it possibly be to collect the money that I have transferred to you?

It's all very well telling me to transfer the money via Western Union, but unfortunately my nearest Western Union agent is quite some distance away, and given all the things I've got to do before I go on holiday this evening - as well as packing and getting the car ready for the journey, I've got to finish Mr Gumshot's new shop sign and install it above his shop before the end of the day - I simply won't have time to travel all the way to the Western Union agent to transfer the money to you.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pop down to the post office right now and see if there's anything I can do at this end. I'll only be gone for half an hour or so, and I'll get back to you as soon as I return. Hopefully the postmistress will be able to sort something out.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Please give my congratulations to your wife on the birth of your son. Are you planning for him to follow in your footsteps as regards his choice of career, or are you hoping for him to go into something slightly better-paid?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Thu, 08 Jun 2006 10:19:42

Dear Mr Sezier,

Good news, Mr Sezier. I've been back to the post office and I think I've managed to find out what the problem is.

I explained to the postmistress that your local MoneyGram agent hadn't been able to locate my transfer. The postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the middle of upgrading their computer hardware in the UK. This has apparently resulted in what she called "internet connectivity" problems, and apparently mine is not the only transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. What this means is that the transfer is definitely in the system - the postmistress showed it to me on her own computer - but it is not showing up on your local MoneyGram agent's computer system because of these "internet connectivity" problems.

However, the postmistress explained that there's a simple solution to this. She told me exactly what your local MoneyGram agent needs to do in order to locate my transfer on their computer and gain access to the money. Apparently all they need to do is to initiate procedure MG-RV8 on their computer system, entering the reference number of the transfer that I gave to you. This will apparently give your local MoneyGram agent access to all transfers that have got "stuck" in the system, and will mean that you will be able to collect the money there and then.

The postmistress was rather surprised that your local MoneyGram agent hadn't initiated procedure MG-RV8 already: apparently it is standard procedure for MoneyGram agents when things like this happen. She even showed me the procedure in her MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. She said to me that if your local agent hasn't heard of procedure MG-RV8, they probably don't know their job very well and that they could probably benefit from some more training. Perhaps you ought to suggest this to the MoneyGram agent when you go back to collect the money. After all, their ignorance of their own procedures has wasted not only your time, but - more importantly - mine as well.

Anyway, regardless of the problems you have had over the past couple of days, I'm glad we've got it all sorted out now so that you'll be able to collect the money. Please get back to me as soon as you have been back to the MoneyGram agent to let me know that the money is safely in your possession. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The problem is still there!

Sent: Thu, 08 Jun 2006 07:14:09 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

I have tried my best and have also taken the shame as I have visited the MoneyGram office several times today to sort things out without any success. For the interest of all I will suggest that you send the money through Western Union money transfer to avoid all these problems.

In fact I am pissed off, Mr Murray. I cannot even spare time to see my wife who just gave birth yesterday just because of this issue. If really u need things to be sorted out once and for all, send the money through Western Union money transfer as the agents are visibly seen in every locality here in Lome.

I also want u to send ur phone number. In case there is any problem they can call u for any confirmation as regards to this.

I am waiting,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I don't understand what's so difficult about this

Sent: Thu, 08 Jun 2006 16:04:57

Dear Mr Sezier,

I have just read your email. First of all, I have to say that I was shocked and offended by your intemperate use of language. I would very much appreciate it if you would kindly remember that you are addressing someone with rather more delicate sensibilities than yourself, and rein in your offensive language in the future. Using base words like that is absolutely fucking disgraceful, Mr Sezier. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Anyway, regardless of the way in which you addressed me in your last email, I simply don't understand what's so difficult about this. I have transferred $850 to you via MoneyGram. All you have to do is go and collect it. How hard can that possibly be?

Did you do as I suggested when you went back to the MoneyGram agent? Did you tell them to initiate procedure MG-RV8? You can't have done, otherwise the money would have been safely in your hands by now.

I do not appreciate the fact that you are leaving it up to me to sort things out, when the problem is clearly at your end. Well it's too late for me to do anything about it now, that's for sure. I've just put the finishing touches to Mr Gumshot's new sign (in a bit of a hurry, unfortunately), and as soon as I've run over there to install it above his shop door I'm leaving for my holiday. I won't be able to do anything else until I get back, and that's not until 19th June.

Listen, Mr Sezier, here's what I suggest. I won't cancel the MoneyGram transfer before I go away; I'll leave the $850 in the system. This will give you a chance to go to a different MoneyGram agent to collect the money. Even if this means that you have to travel some distance to another agent, I really think you ought to try this: it sounds as if your local agent doesn't have a clue what they're doing.

So, you do your level best to pick up the money while I'm away. Hopefully I'll return to find an email from you telling me that you've managed to collect the money successfully and that you've obtained the death certificate from the doctor. If all else fails, we'll just have to leave things until I get back on the 19th and take it from there.

It's up to you, my friend. Do your best for the both of us while I'm away. I'm relying on you. Don't forget to email me and let me know how you get on.

I'll get back to you when I return from holiday on the 19th.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This is my idea for now

Sent: Thu, 08 Jun 2006 14:08:07 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

I have gone through ur mail and I never saw where I really offended u, but all that I know for sure is that u over there knows exactly what u are doing.

I have gone severally to the MoneyGram office and I think I wouldn't go there any more as I have earlier informed u. I do appreciate ur effort so far, but not to subject me to a kind of moving to and fro without success. For me Western Union is the best option for now, nothing more, nothing less.

Thanks and good bye,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I am back from my holiday

Sent: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 09:44:12

Dear Mr Sezier,

I am back from my holiday. I am pleased to report that my wife and I had a marvellous time away and have come back completely refreshed.

How are things with you, my friend? Have you managed to collect that money from a MoneyGram agent yet? I would have thought that whatever technical problems MoneyGram were experiencing, they must have sorted them out by now.

Do let me know. If you're still having problems, I'll see what I can do about getting the money to you by some other means.

Talking of problems, I had Mr Gumshot the jeweller banging on my front door early this morning. He's not at all happy with the sign I made for him the other week, which I put up over his shop just before I went away on holiday. Unfortunately I rushed the work slightly and managed to spell his name incorrectly. I was only one letter out, but Mr Gumshot isn't at all happy with it. He says that it gives people completely the wrong idea of what sort of business he's running. Apparently he's had all sorts of unsavoury people coming into the shop looking for services which he definitely doesn't offer. I'm going to have to take the sign down today and repaint it for him.

Well, enough of my problems. Do get back to me and let me know what the current sitation is about the money. I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You are welcome back

Sent: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 13:52:34 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

It's nice reading from you again, I can see that you have had enough of the holiday as explained by you! You are quite welcome back.

Back to track, I have repeatedly told you that it has not been easy for me to get this money through the way you sent it. In my last email I did emphasise that if really you want the interest of this negotiation to go on I will simply advise you to recall the money from the MoneyGram office and then resend it through the easier way which is the Western Union money transfer system with the correct informations for easy collection.

In case you recall it back whatever charges the Western Union money transfer office charge for the transfer I wouldn't mind adding it up down here to see that we meet up with the bank requirement, that's the death certificate. I am really sick and tired with this situation, I must be frank with you, though the problem is not from you or me either. I presume you do this as quick as possible cos I don't even have an idea of the bank's intention since your holiday.

For the sake of keeping in line with our negotiation I will just add that we must save time which is of essence from the look of things as you can see for yourself.

Thanks and God bless

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Western Union it is then

Sent: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 17:41:55

Dear Mr Sezier,

Thank you for your email. It's good to hear from you.

Given that you've completely failed to pick up the money that I sent you via MoneyGram, I'll see what I can do about sending it via Western Union. The nearest Western Union agent is quite some distance away, but I'll see if I can manage to pay them a visit tomorrow morning.

Could you just clarify something for me? In your last email you referred to the Western Union charges I will have to pay, but I wasn't quite sure what you meant. Were you trying to say that you'd be willing to pay those charges yourself? If so, that's very good of you. It would be much appreciated. Please get back to me and let me know.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Zeng Sezier

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I await hearing from you soonest!!

Sent: Wed, 21 Jun 2006 03:54:58 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Murray,

What I mean was that if it was paying another charge for transferring the $850 required for the document through Western Union then I can supplement the cost of transfer from here since it wouldn't be the same amount you will have after making the payment. If I have the $850 do you think I have to wait till you return from your holiday? Without procuring the death certificate which is for the interest of all of us?

Mr Murray I am a very simple man by nature and I think things should done in the right way to avoid time waste.

I will advise that you try just for the interest of this ongoing negotiation to drive to the Western Union office please and resend the money today, though we are observing Armed Forces Day over here today, so today is a public holiday.

Thanks while I await hearing from you with the accurate details of payment.

Regards,

Barr Zeng Sezier

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I have transferred the money via Western Union

Sent: Wed, 21 Jun 2006 15:34:28

Dear Mr Sezier,

Thank you for your email. I see what you meant now. Perhaps if you made an effort to put things more clearly in the first place when you write to me, I wouldn't have to keep on asking you for clarification all the time over what you actually mean.

But please don't put yourself down, my friend. You may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I certainly wouldn't call you "simple". Well, not to your face, anyway. A tad unsophisticated perhaps, but certainly not simple.

Anyway, good news, my dear friend! I cancelled the MoneyGram transfer this morning, then travelled straight to my nearest Western Union agent, where I made a new transfer to you. I've attached the Western Union receipt to this email.

Presumably this means that you'll be able to collect the money pretty much immediately. I do hope so: I'm getting sick and tired of all these delays at your end. The bank must be wondering what on earth is going on.

I had some more good news this morning. The owner of the local video rental shop saw the new sign I had made for Mr Gumshot (the newly-corrected sign, that is, not the one with his name spelled incorrectly) and he was so impressed with it that he has asked me to produce a new sign for the front of his shop. Business really is picking up for me at the moment. I'm certainly going to do my best with this latest commission so that Mr Titwang ("Soapy" to his friends) has no reason whatsoever to complain about the standard of my workmanship.

Please get back to me as soon as you have collected the money from the Western Union office. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I forgot to mention the test question and answer. The test question is "Mr Titwang's nickname?" and the answer is "Soapy".

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: Have you collected the money yet?

Sent: Thu, 22 Jun 2006 15:34:19

Dear Mr Sezier,

What's going on at your end? Have you collected the money from the Western Union agent yet?

I'm hoping that now I'm back from holiday we'll be able to make some real progress this week. Please get back to me at once with an update on the situation.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Zeng Sezier

Subject: I am very disappointed in you

Sent: Mon, 26 Jun 2006 09:21:36

Mr Sezier,

I am very disappointed in you. You have proved to be a terrible business partner. All the way through this transaction you have done nothing but introduce one delay after another and act like an imbecile. And now, to top it all, you break contact altogether.

What is the reason for this sudden lack of communication? I can only assume that all those visits to the MoneyGram and Western Union agents have left you too exhausted to lift your hands to your computer keyboard.

As a result of your poor communication and your all round incompetence, I am sorry to have to tell you that I am pulling out of this business deal. I have been offered a far more lucrative deal by a nice chap called Abacha, who comes across as being a good deal more professional than you.

Before I sign off though, you still owe me for those two thermos flasks that you lost. My wife isn't at all happy about losing them, and I expect you to reimburse me the cost of replacing them.

Therefore, please send me the sum of 45 immediately. Either Western Union or MoneyGram would do nicely... that's if you can show your face in either of those two places any more without the staff throwing you out into the street as a timewaster.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray