I am writing to you concerning a piece of business I am transacting with an unfortunate Iraqi, Mr Rahim Alali, in conjunction with the BIAO Bank. I'm dealing with a splendid couple of chaps at the bank - Bapou and Alali Bali, who happens to be the brother of this Rahim fella. No need to bother your pretty head with all the details at this moment in time, but basically Bapou has told me that you're going to act as attorney for us throughout this business.

Now I'm a cautious man, and before I proceed with this business, I need some assurance that you're capable of handling this matter with the professionalism and dedication one would expect. I have always used my own lawyer in matters such as these before - a Mr Welsby, well-respected in Lincolnshire law circles, don't know if you've come across the chap - and I'm a little nervous about placing my particulars in the hands of a new lawyer. Especially one of the female persuasion. Bapou suggested I contact you directly for some reassurance.

Now nobody could call me sexist, but I have to say I'm a bit unsure about female lawyers. Never used one before. Can you assure me that you'll be able to handle this business properly? Don't want to go ahead if you'll be sitting at your desk with your head full of thoughts of pretty handbags and designer shoes while there are important legal documents to deal with.

Also, I'd like you to provide me with details of your professional qualifications, and with a couple of references from satisfied clients. You know the sort of thing. Put my mind at rest.

Now time is of the essence here, my dear lady, so I'd appreciate a quick response.

Thank you in advance.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Elizabeth Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: I hear that you are not well

Sent: Sat, 22 Sep 2003 13:49:09

Dear Mr Alali,

My husband Gilbert has just told me that you are not well. Please accept my sympathy. I do hope that you are not ailing with anything serious, and that you will soon be better.

Hopefully, with Gilbert's help, you will soon be able to leave Iraq. I am sure that you will be able to receive better medical attention when you arrive in this country.

Gilbert tells me that things are going well enough, but that the bank he is dealing with has been causing delays. He has found this most irritating. I do hope that the bank are able to sort things out quickly for you.

Do let me know how you are getting on. Please send my kindest regards to your family.

Yours truly,

Mrs Elizabeth Murray

From: Equity Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ATTN: SIR

Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 17:44:58 +0200 (CEST)

Sir,

Your mail was well received, and this legal firm is here to give to you a satisfactory services so relax your mind.

To be precise, your fund requires clearances and these will be secured from the Ministry of Finance and Ministry of Justice, Cote d'Ivoire.

To authenticate your fund transfer for a smooth remittance of your fund to your nominated bank account, we are to secure the clearance certificates from the ministries to have your fund cleared from relating to any criminal activities such as drug trafficking, illicit diamond trading and money laundering, etc.

Upon securance of the above mentioned clearance certificates, BIAO Bank will transfer your fund immediately without wasting any time.

To secure the required clearance certificates and actualise this transaction, you are to send immediately the sum of 6,800 Euros by Western Union money transfer for quick receipt, in the name of associate Mrs Chinwendu Okafor.

Send the transfer information to this mail account, such as control number, test question and answer, including the name of the sender.

The above is all it requires for your fund to be transferred to your account.

Thanks.

Yours in service,

Mrs Boma Manuel Esq.

EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Equity Chambers; Cc: Bali Alali; BIAO Bank

Subject: Hold your horses, woman!

Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 17:31:28

Dear Mrs Boma Manuel,

I am in receipt of your email. Now wait a minute, madam. I think you are trying to run before you can walk.

I asked you in my email to provide me with details of your professional qualifications and a couple of references from satisfied clients, to satisfy me that you are a suitable attorney to use in this venture.

Have you done what I asked? No, you have not. You haven't answered my questions at all. Instead, you've wittered on about drug trafficking, diamond trading, money laundering and other nonsense. On top of this, you seem to assume that I have already agreed to use your services. Nothing could be further from the truth. I will not agree to use your services until you provide me with the information I requested, satisfying me that you are suitable.

This is precisely the kind of woolly-headed folderol I was afraid you would come out with. As I said in my last email to you, I feared that, being a woman, your mind would be too full of make-up and gossip to concentrate on the matter at hand. From reading your email, I have to say that this appears to be the case.

Now then, madam. Try again. Sit yourself down, empty your head of all the feminine nonsense that's obviously cluttering up your thought processes, re-read my original email and see if you can answer my questions. It's not difficult. I simply want details of your professional qualifications and a couple of references from satisfied clients. Ask your husband for some help if things get too difficult.

I look forward to your prompt response.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Knew someone who went by the name of Manuel, some years ago, down in Torquay. The chap was a waiter if my memory serves me. Short fella, none too smart. Don't suppose you're any relation? Small world and all that.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali

Subject: Are you sure this woman is a lawyer?

Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 17:33:08

Bapou,

You'll have seen the email I just sent to this lawyer woman you've suggested using. As you can see, she's not made the best of starts. Seems to me to be a bit of an air-headed bimbo.

Are you sure this woman is a qualified lawyer? Going by her email, I'd say she's spent quite a bit of time at the bar, but not necessarily at the right kind of bar, if you get my drift.

The woman has a lot of ground to make up. I have very little confidence in her. Let's hope she makes a better hash of responding to my last email.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I will change you as the beneficiary

Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 18:34:39 +0100 (BST)

Mr Gilbert Murray,

Please, I do not like the way you are handling this transaction, you always find fault in people.

You have to understand the situation of my brother and his family. Please, this will be my last mail to you if you continue with this rubbish.

I personally am not ready to plead to you. All I am going to do is to apply for change of your account as the co-beneficiary, and find someone who is more capable to handle this transfer.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: Re: I will change you as the beneficiary

Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 20:48:56

Alali,

I am in receipt of your astonishing email.

Firstly, may I remind you that I am going out of my way to help your brother and his family. I am spending my valuable time, out of the goodness of my heart, to help out a fellow man in need.

Secondly, you say that I always find fault in people. Well I speak as I find. Always have done. Always will do. If I find fault in people, it is only because there is fault to be found. I speak my mind. If I find myself surrounded by a bunch of cloth-headed dunderheads, I will say so. I make no apologies for this. Plain speaking like this has got me where I am today.

Thirdly, the question of the lawyer. I asked this lawyer of yours a couple of questions. She completely failed to answer them. I therefore asked her to address my questions once more. You are obviously an intelligent man. Would you not do the same if you were in my position? I imagine this whole shebang is going to cost me a bit of money when all's said and done. Now I am willing to use my considerable financial resources to help your brother out. But if I am going to part with my hard-earned cash, I want to be sure that things are going to be done properly, do you see? I don't want to pay a useless lawyer who is going to muck things up and get things wrong, potentially costing me a lot of money in wasted legal fees in the process. Surely you can see the sense in this? I asked for more details of the lawyer precisely to ensure that they were capable of doing the job efficiently. This lawyer appears not to be capable of this. She may yet prove me wrong. I hope so.

Fourthly, you say that you are about to find someone else to do business with. Well, feel free to do so if you wish, but believe me, you would be making a mistake. In me you have found a trustworthy, reliable, honest and decent person, who is willing to go the extra mile to help your brother out. I am willing to put my personal and financial resources at your brother's disposal. Do you really want to throw this away?

Yes, I may be outspoken. But I speak as I find for a reason. I do not suffer fools gladly, and if I find myself dealing with an incompetent buffoon (such as the lawyer), I will say so. I firmly believe that this has played a large part in my success in life.

If I have insulted you or your brother, then I sincerely apologise. I have no problems with either of you. But, going on her performance so far, this lawyer will have to pull her socks up. I have already said that as soon as the lawyer provides me with details of her qualifications, I will send the bank their completed form. I suggest the lawyer applies herself to this as soon as possible.

Now. I propose that we both take a step back from the brink, take breath, and start again. I want to help you and your brother. Do not throw away my honest offer of help.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. I would very much appreciate it if you would address me correctly. I have mentioned this before.

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WHY?????

Sent: Tue, 23 Sep 2003 03:41:59 -0700 (PDT)

Attn: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

We expect that you send the bank remittance form to enable your fund transfer be processed.

Also, it is surprising that instead of you to follow with instructions, you rather argue unnecessary things.

Our bank accredited attorney is a senior advocate who has been soliciting for this bank for years and is in the best position to secure all fund clearances from the ministries on your behalf to enable your fund have a smooth remittance to your nominated bank account without any problem.

Take this fact and let us move forward.

Bank thereon is waiting to receive the remittance form.

Thanks,

Management

BIAO BANK

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers

Subject: Re: WHY?????

Sent: Tue, 23 Sep 2003 22:21:49

Bapou,

I am in receipt of your email. Despite my severe reservations about the seemingly incompetent attorney you propose to use, which have been exacerbated by her pathetic performance so far in this business, I am willing to accept your recommendation and move forward.

I do not accept that I have been arguing over "unnecessary things", as you put it. Rather, I have been trying to ensure that the people I am dealing with are competent. I am satisfied that you and Alali Bali are worth your salt; I remain to be convinced about the lawyer. Hopefully she will prove my suspicions wrong.

You cannot expect me to simply follow your instructions without question, if following your instructions mean that I end up dealing with a foam-headed muppet like this so-called Mrs Boma Manuel. I expect all those who I deal with to show at least an ounce of professionalism. This woman has not yet done so.

Therefore, despite my reservations, I attach the completed remittance form for you. I hope that we can now continue with this transaction smoothly and without upset.

I warn you though. Any more signs of incompetence from this lawyer woman and I will not be a happy man.

Now that you have received the form from me, I expect your full attention to this business. Let's have no more delays. Rahim Alali is depending on us.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

The completed remittance form
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers

Subject: Get a move on, man

Sent: Wed, 24 Sep 2003 13:43:59

Bapou,

I sent you your completed remittance form yesterday. And yet I have heard nothing back from you. What is going on over there? You've not been taking lessons in time wasting from that empty-headed lawyer woman, have you?

Now. Let's have some movement from you. This whole hoo-hah has been going on too damn long for my liking. The longer you delay, the longer my good friend Rahim Alali's health is at risk. On your head be it if anything happens to him while you're busy sharpening your pencils.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers

Subject: I am ready to complete this transaction

Sent: Wed, 24 Sep 2003 21:17:33

Bapou,

I sent you the completed remittance form. You did not respond.

I emailed you urging you to act. You did not respond.

How many times do I need to say this before I get through to you? I am now ready to move forward and complete the transaction. You now have everything you need from me to proceed.

For god's sake, man, let's get this show on the road. I am sick of your prevarication.

What is our next step? Rahim Alali is depending on us. Stop fraternising with your secretary or whatever it is you're doing and get on with it, man.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: How do we pay for the clearance paper works?

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 10:55:52 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I want to inform you that the lady lawyer you are insulting is our bank accredited attorney who has worked for our bank for so many years. The director who directed you to this woman is not stupid, she is not collecting any money for her services because the bank is paying her for working for our clients.

All we need to pay for is for the documents she is going to acquire from the Ministry of Justice and the Ministry of Finance as clearance to enable the bank effect the transfer to your account without any questioning here.

I met with this woman this morning. She was not happy because of the type of mail you wrote to her, and this nearly made her to push me out of her office, but I pleaded to her with other people in her chambers who made her to calm down.

Sir, let me know from you how we are going pay for the clearance certificate? The woman told me that the two documents will cost 6,800 Euros. This is the only thing that is holding up the transfer.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: FUND TRANSFER

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 03:42:01 -0700 (PDT)

Sir,

With due respect to your personality, we wish to advise that your fund can only be wired to your bank account only when you co-operate and follow with directives, which is by coming down here to secure all required clearances from the Ministry of Finance and a sworn affidavit of claims from the Ministry of Justice, Cote d'Ivoire, to enable our bank to effect your immediate fund transfer to your nominated bank account.

You have been notified earlier by the attorney for notarisation which they informed you to send the amount of 6,800 Euros via Western Union for fast receipt and securance of the clearance certificates so that your fund be transferred as instructed.

Contact the attorney immediately and send the amount so that the clearances be secured ASAP.

Upon receipt of the secured clearance certificates from the resident attorney, the bank will transfer your fund and you will confirm receipt of your transferred fund in under 48 hrs.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Management

BIAO BANK

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers

Subject: Regarding your emails

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 12:05:51

Bapou/Alali,

I am in receipt of your emails. Good to see the train is back on the rails. Thought it was stuck in the station for a moment with the signal on red and the driver having a smoke behind the engine shed. This is good news.

You both seem to have confidence in this lawyer woman. Well fair enough. I trust your judgement. I shall take your word for it that she knows what she's doing. I will contact her forthwith and sort out whatever needs to be done next. This is no time for hanging about.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Bapou - could you please confirm that the form I sent back was up to scratch? Got all the information you need, I take it?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Equity Chambers; Cc: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali

Subject: This fund transfer business

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 12:13:33

Dear Mrs Boma Manuel,

Been corresponding with Bapou and Alali Bali about this fund transfer business. Despite my initial reservations on your competency, Bapou and Alali have convinced me to move forward with you. They seem to have confidence in your abilities, and who am I to argue? You're obviously not as stupid as your email suggested. Good show. Well done.

Now. Apparently there is some money to be paid up front. Alali mentioned a figure of 6,800 Euros. Fair enough. Not a problem.

What I want from you is the following. Please read this carefully so that it sinks in - I do not want to have to ask you twice for this information:

A detailed breakdown of precisely what this money is for.
Instructions on the best way to get this money to you. Bapou was blathering on about something called "Western Union". Not come across this before. Need more information.
An estimation of how long it will take to get the necessary clearances you require.
Is there any chance we could carry out this transaction in Pounds Sterling, rather than Euros? Don't hold with all this foreign currency malarky myself if I can help it.

I can arrange the money transfer as soon as you get back to me with this information.

I am placing my trust in you, my dear lady. Please do not let me down a second time.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. It is Mrs Murray's birthday next week. Not got a clue what to buy her. With you being a woman and all that, any advice you could give me on suitable presents would be much appreciated.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: The petition I sent you

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 14:05:37

Alali,

Quick reminder that I need that petition I sent you returned by tomorrow. Has to be back to me by then so I can forward it on to Jock McTavish, Campaign Manager for England for the English. Hope to see a good number of signatures on it.

Look forward to receiving it from you tomorrow, if not before.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Equity Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 15:14:54 +0200 (CEST)

Sir,

Your mail was well received with contents noted.

The amount you are required to send is for securing a fund clearance certificate from the Ministry of Finance, and also a sworn affidavit of claims from the Ministry of Justice, Cote d'Ivoire, which clears your fund from any illegal activities here in Africa and enables a smooth remittance of your fund to your account.

Yes, Dr Paul Bapou is very right by advising you to send the amount by Western Union transfer, which will make it be received faster and secure your clearance certificates the same day, and be submitted to the bank for onward wire transfer of your fund to your account.

You are therein to send the amount in the name of associate:

Mrs Chinwendu Okafor

Country: Cote d'Ivoire, West Africa

And send the transfer informations to this mail address, such as test question and answer, including the control number.

Sir, you can convert the worth of 6,800.00 Euros to Pounds Sterling and send the equivalent.

Consider your fund transfer done, once the clearances are obtained.

Thanks.

Yours in service,

Mrs Boma Manuel Esq.

EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The form will be completed very soon

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 14:51:19 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I have been doing my best to see the form filled completely. I have been going to some important personalities to see that this form is completed. It remains only five people to complete the form.

Some of the ministers that gave me an appointment for them to sign the form gave me a date of next week.

Sir, the form will be ready by Thursday next week. Then I will send it back to you. Please, you have to bear with me because it is not an easy task.

Please sir, let me know if you have been able to hear from the lady attorney.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: Sending back the petition

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 17:31:04

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Glad to hear you're making progress with the petition. McTavish won't be pleased that it's late, but if as you say it contains some decent signatures on it, I should be able to placate him. Just make sure it's no later than next Thursday, else McTavish will have my guts for garters, do you see?

On the subject of the petition, I sent one to your brother in Iraq too, but I've not received his back yet. Could you do me a favour and push him in the right direction please? I'd be obliged. Is he any better, by the way? You must let me know how he is.

Now. The lawyer. She has indeed been in touch, and I have to tell you she made a lot more sense this time around. Maybe it was her time of the month or something the last time she emailed me. Women, eh? Can't live with em, can't live with em, as Squadron Leader Manning used to say. Take my mother in law, no really, go on, take her, and all that.

Regarding this transaction. Things finally seem to be moving freely at last, so don't you worry about a thing. I'll co-ordinate everything with this Manuel woman and we'll have everything sorted out before you know it.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Equity Chambers

Subject: FAO MRS BOMA MANUEL

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 17:33:59

Dear Mrs Boma Manuel,

I am in receipt of your email. Pleased to be able to tell you that you made a lot more sense this time. Much better. Well done. Keep up the good work.

Now then. I see why the money is required. No doubt you know what you're doing. I trust you have the necessary contacts at the appropriate ministries and are able to get the ball rolling, smooth its progress, etc. Expect your feminine charms come in handy at this juncture, if you know what I mean? Amazing the hoops a man will jump through when confronted by a well-turned leg and the hint of a petticoat. Know that well from my time in the RAF. Anyway, no need to tell you your job. Sure you're used to it. Lie back and think of England. Or the Ivory Coast in your case. Hope your husband doesn't mind.

You talk about this "Western Union". Sorry if I sound like a bit of a buffo, but I'm a novice in the world of international finance, and I don't actually know what "Western Union" is, or how I go about using it. Or even where to go. I'm going to have to ask you for more information. Is this something my bank will be able to handle, or is it something that's specific to the Ivory Coast? And what do you mean by "test question and answer", and "control number"? Please explain.

If this is a problem for you, I can always contact my own lawyer, Welsby, who I am sure will be able to put me right on the ins and outs of international finance. Wouldn't be any trouble for the man. Could contact him at the drop of a hat if need be. Please advise.

Glad to hear we can do the business in Sterling, by the way. Much more to my liking. Don't hold with all this Euro nonsense.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. You made no mention of Mrs Murray's birthday. I asked you for your ideas on a suitable present. I really would appreciate the advice of a woman on this. What do you reckon? Shoes? Handbag? Jewellery? A new vacuum cleaner? Help a man out, there's a dear.

From: Equity Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: LEARN TO TALK AND BEHAVE LIKE A MAN

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 20:00:03 +0200 (CEST)

Sir,

Do not deceive yourself, because England has one of the biggest operational Western Union money transfers in the whole world.

Also, you may be delaying your fund from being remitted should you keep on deceiving yourself.

Please on a more serious note, you are warned to abstain from using useless words to me because I am married and blessed with children who are even married, so stop using such stupid words of yours to me, OK!!!!

Your fund remains untransferred should you keep on delaying sending the amount for securing clearances or rather visit the offices yourself here in this country.

Talk sense and stop talking like a fool.

Bye.

EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Equity Chambers; Cc: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali

Subject: The money is ready. Why will you not answer my query?

Sent: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 20:54:41

Dear Mrs Boma Manuel,

I am in receipt of your email. I am baffled. I have asked you for more information on how to send you money via "Western Union", because I genuinely have not heard of this before, and need advice on how I use it. At present, I do not even know where to go in order to send you money via Western Union. I have never seen a Western Union branch in any town that I have visited.

And yet, what do you do? You do not send me information on how I can send you money via Western Union. Instead, you send me a bizarre email in which you accuse me of delaying sending you the money.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SEND YOU MONEY VIA WESTERN UNION. I do not know how else to put it.

It is all very well you telling me that "England has one of the biggest operational Western Union money transfers in the whole world". But this information is of no use to me if I have never heard of it, and have never seen one of their branches.

The money is here, ready and waiting to be transferred to you. I simply do not know how to do this. I need more information from you on Western Union. Is there a website you can direct me towards, perhaps?

Furthermore, I do not appreciate you calling me a "fool". This is no way to talk to a client who is preparing to transfer thousands of pounds to you. I would advise you to watch your mouth, my dear lady, or you can forget about this entire deal.

I do not deal with people who insult me. I have dealt with a number of lawyers in the past, and I have never come across a lawyer as insolent and unhelpful as you.

Alali, Bapou, can either of you help with this matter? It would appear that your lawyer is unwilling to pass on the information I need.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Equity Chambers; Cc: BIAO Bank; Bali Alali

Subject: Western Union

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 08:56:27

Dear Mrs Boma Manuel,

I have decided to travel into town this afternoon. Mrs Murray needs a bit of shopping and wants to look at a few hats. I am sure you understand.

If I have not heard from you by lunchtime with further information on this "Western Union" business and how I should go about using it, I shall pop my head round the door of my lawyer Welsby, and ask him for advice on it. Sure he will have heard of "Western Union". You never know, he might also be able to give me a bit more advice on this whole matter. Sure he's dealt with things like this in the past.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please ask your bank

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 10:01:53 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This woman call my office this morning and was angry the way you wrote her yesterday.

Please sir, I have respected you so much and don't know why you want to make things difficult for us. I don't believe that you don't know anything about Western Union money transfer.

Anyway, it might be true. Sir, just go to your bank and ask them that you want to send money through Western Union and they will direct you how you can do that.

Please sir, we have to use this morning hours to see that we end this matter than making thing that is very easy to become difficult. Go to your bank. They will direct you how you can make a Western Union transfer.

Sir, make a move so that this woman will get this clearance today to allow the bank do the transfer today.

You know my Rahim is very sick. We need to see that we can a least send a good news to him that the transfer has been effected.

Expecting your response.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers

Subject: Re: Please ask your bank

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 13:09:02

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Appreciate your response. I shall visit my bank while I am in town this afternoon and ask them for advice on this "Western Union" business. I should have plenty of time to talk this over with them and find out what I need to know. In fact, given the time it normally takes Mrs Murray to choose a hat, I will probably have time enough to arrange a mortgage, sort out my pension arrangements, revise my life insurance policies and draft a will. Not that I need to, you understand. Women and shopping, I don't know.

I cannot for the life of me understand why you expect me to know all about this "Western Union" thing. I have never transferred money in this way before. Put yourself in my shoes, man: I know all about flying Vulcans and Harriers in a combat situation, but I would not expect you to know anything about this. It is not your field. International finance is not mine.

So, good news for your sick brother. You can tell him that it's all go. Pass on my regards, will you? What exactly is it that's wrong with the man? I still don't know.

Now. This lawyer woman. She is angry with me, is she? I am the one that should be angry with her. The bloody woman called me a fool yesterday. And she completely failed to provide me with any suggestions on what to get Mrs Murray for her birthday next week. What use is that? I never put up with that sort of insubordination in the RAF, I can tell you. However, for the sake of your afflicted brother I am willing to ignore her insults and move forward. Just you tell her to keep a civil tongue in her head, that's all. A man can only be pushed so far, do you see?

I will get back to you as soon as I return from town.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers

Subject: Western Union money transfer

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 15:51:49

Alali,

I have just returned from town. After much deliberation at the milliners, Mrs Murray finally plumped for a fine looking blue pillbox affair that will be very fitting for her appearances at England for the English rallies. Most suitable.

While Mrs Murray was immersing herself in the world of fashionable headwear, I popped round the corner to my bank, and gained an audience with the bank manager, Mr Nathaniel West. Decent chap. Doesn't stand on ceremony or anything. Asked me to call him "Nat". Perhaps a tad over-familiar, but there you go. I think it's what they call "customer service" these days. Take note, Bapou.

Well, this West chap was most obliging and told me all I need to know about "Western Union". Sounds like an excellent method of transferring money around the world. Turns out my bank doesn't deal with Western Union itself, but there are a couple of agents in town. However, West proved himself very useful, and suggested to me that a simpler and cheaper method of getting the money to you would be a straight bank transfer. This would cut out all the fees and overheads charged by Western Union, and would also save you from having to go anywhere to pick up the money. Seeing as you work in a bank yourself, this makes it even easier. Can't think why you didn't suggest this yourself.

So. To make things easier for all of us, I propose to transfer the money directly from my bank account into a bank account nominated by you. West tells me that all I need is your sort code, account number and account name, and we are in business. Obviously, I already have all the other details I need about your bank.

The bank is obviously closed now, and we can't do much over the weekend. However, get me this information sometime over the weekend and I'll transfer the money straight over first thing Monday morning. What could be simpler? Good show.

Hope you have a fine weekend planned. Mrs Murray and I are heading over to a fundraising comedy night on Saturday in aid of the England for the English campaign. Light entertainment, you know the sort of thing. Dai Llewellyn, our Fundraising Manager, has managed to book a few rather impressive names for the night, including none other than The Chuckle Brothers, The Krankies, Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear, and the star of the show, Bernie Clifton. That man has me in stitches. Especially that thing he does with the ostrich, do you know? Should be a marvellous evening. Looking forward to it immensely.

Well now. Get me the banking details I need, and we'll have the money transferred to you on Monday morning. Then that Manuel woman can get to work on our behalf and start earning her salary.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Follow instructions for safe transfer

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 08:26:37 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

With due respect, we humbly ask that you work in line with the bank accredited attorney's instructions, because the amount which you are sending is not meant for this bank or the attorney's fee, but rather it is for the purpose of the lawyer securing the government required clearance certificates to enable your fund have a smooth inflow to your bank account.

Good thing that you have known what Western Union money transfer is, so send the money today by Western Union as the attorney instructed to enable them receive it quick and secure the clearance certificates since the time difference here is same London time.

The Equity law firm has their operating bank account with which they do receive money, and will be willing to give it out to you to transfer the amount but that will take some days to clear which will delay the transaction. As such, the best way to sort out such international fast transfers are by Western Union money transfer, which is being received immediately after payment.

But if you must insist to send by bank to bank, then the Equity Chambers will be very willing to give you an account for the transfer, but remember it will delay.

We have informed you.

Congrats to you and madam.

Thanks,

Mrs Regina Koyi

Secretary

BIAO BANK

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Equity Chambers

Subject: Regarding your email

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 16:52:01

My dear Mrs Koyi,

I am in receipt of your email. Thank you for the information. Most useful.

Have to say, I'm confused. Is this your email address or Bapou's email address? Well, no matter. Apologies if I've been addressing you as "Bapou" all this time, madam. But here's a tip: it helps if you always put your name at the end of each email you send, rather than simply putting "Management". You signed your name at the end of your last email. Well done. Good work. I suggest you ask Bapou to start doing the same. Saves unnecessary confusion and all that, do you see? Perhaps a change in banking procedures is called for here? You'll be thanking me for that little tip, no doubt. Not a problem. Don't mention it.

Now then. I hear what you're saying about the pros and cons of Western Union versus bank transfer. What you said made a lot of sense. That Manuel woman could learn a thing or two from you, my dear. As I'm back home now, it's too late to send the money either way until start of business Monday morning, so I will mull it over in my mind over the weekend and decide which method to use. Keen to avoid delays, as ever, so from what you say, it'll be worth going the Western Union route come Monday, even if it does cost a little more.

Assuming I do go via Western Union, I'm assuming that this Manuel woman is capable of picking up the money as required once I've transferred it. Wouldn't normally ask, but it seems to me that the Western Union method requires a bit more user interaction at your end than a simple bank transfer, and I've not been that impressed with Mrs Manuel's performance so far. Wouldn't like to think I'd sent the money through only for her to mess it all up at your end.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Equity Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This is their website: www.westernunion.com

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 17:55:57 +0200 (CEST)

Sir,

We the entire staff of Equity legal firm, apologise for any insult passed on you, and do hope that you will understand that we are out to help you.

You will find informations and locations of Western Union money transfer in this website: www.westernunion.com.

Then you will find that it does exist all around you.

Make the payment to have the clearance secured.

It is very important you note that bank can be blamed but not to say that they will pay, it is absolutely impossible as banks all over the world encounter such errors in the Telex Department, and in such situations the beneficiary can not abandon his or her fund than to meet with the requirements to enable such funds be released.

Hope you would not allow your fund stay for too long or even get confiscated by any authority.

Thanks,

Mrs Regina Koyi

Secretary

BIAO BANK

From: Equity Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This is their website: www.westernunion.com

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 17:58:55 +0200 (CEST)

Sir,

We the entire staff of Equity legal firm, apologise for any insult passed on you, and do hope that you will understand that we are out to help you.

You will find informations and locations of Western Union money transfer around you in this website: www.westernunion.com.

Then you will find that it does exist all around you.

Make the payment today to have the clearance secured and for BIAO Bank to transfer your fund.

Thanks,

Equity Chambers Cabinet

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: We work half day tomorrow

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 09:33:04 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Sir,

Thanks for your prompt response, and know that we want your fund remittance to be among the first transfers that will be handled by next week.

Also, take to instructions so that we achieve your successful fund transfer to your nominated bank account.

Send the money by Western Union tomorrow as we work half day.

Website: www.westernunion.com.

You will find England location centres where you can send from.

Please sir, I am the Secretary to Dr Paul Bapou, the Director of the Foreign Remittance Department, BIAO Bank, and the mail address is the bank's mailing address.

I am sometimes instructed to type our clients' message and send.

Thanks,

Mrs Regina Koyi

Secretary

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers; Cc: Bali Alali

Subject: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 17:35:42

What the bloody hell is going on here?

I get two emails, in quick succession, both from the same email address, equity_chambers03@yahoo.fr, which I thought was the lawyer's email address. The two emails both have exactly the same title. The two emails also have exactly the same content, apart from the end, where one purports to be from "Mrs Regina Koyi" of the BIAO Bank, and the other purports to be from "Equity Chambers Cabinet" - the company that Manuel woman is supposed to work for. And yet both emails have both obviously been written and sent by the same person.

Explain yourselves!

Who wrote these emails? Mrs Koyi or Mrs Manuel? What the blazes is the Secretary of the BIAO Bank doing sending emails from that Manuel woman's email address? Or did Mrs Manuel write them both? From what I can see, it would appear that "Mrs Koyi" and "Mrs Manuel" are the same damn person! Or perhaps that Manuel woman has multiple personalities? Or is this just another one of her interminable cock-ups? And why do this Manuel woman's emails appear to come from someone called "Bob Manuel"? Is this a cross-dresser we're dealing with? A transvestite? Confused about his/her gender, are they?

I think there's something fishy going on around here. I've a nose for it. Explain yourselves, god damn it!

And what about this Bapou chap? Does he actually exist, or is he the same person?

I demand an explanation from you IMMEDIATELY. And it had better be a good explanation at that. I demand to know EXACTLY what is going on here. I've never come across anything quite so bizarre in all my dealings with banks and lawyers in all my life.

No money is leaving my hands until this matter is cleared up to my absolute and complete satisfaction.

This is no way to run a business transaction. And it is certainly no way to run a bank or a legal firm. I'm appalled. Absolutely bloody appalled.

Let's have an explanation by return, or you can consider this whole matter CLOSED.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Equity Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: We are sorry sir

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 18:43:58 +0200 (CEST)

Dear Sir Murray,

Please do not misunderstand me, I am ready and willing to render my good professional services to you and you will at its end be satisfied.

I am sorry if I have used harsh words, which was simply because I need to protect my married status.

I ask that you send the amount through Western Union money transfer which is the best way to receive the money faster and eradicate the outstanding situation of securing the clearance certificates.

I expect that you send it tomorrow and guarantee to secure your fund clearances to enable the bank to transfer your fund.

In case you find it difficult to locate a Western Union office, you should lodge in this website to find the nearest location: www.westernunion.com.

Please sir, do not be annoyed as I am here to render you good services.

Thanks.

Yours in service,

Mrs Manuel Esq.

EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I will apply for change of account

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 19:16:44 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I am very surprised on all this you are talking about, you have started finding another fault.

Please, if you don't want to assist on this transaction for this fund to be transferred, you make it open to me in time so that we will look for someone else. You have delayed this transaction so much and don't even care what my brother and his family is passing through over there in Iraq.

Sir, you are the one making all this mistake which is very wrong. You send mail and you will copy it to the bank, it is very wrong.

I have never come across a man like you before. You make simple things look difficult and if you are corrected you will still claim right, which is very wrong. You are the person sending copies of mail of another address to another person.

If you are not ready to continue, then stop. Let me look for another person to take over your place, because I will not waste my time with you and blame myself if something happens to my brother and his family.

If this transaction does not finish on Monday, I will apply for change of beneficiary account and look for a more capable hand that will handle this transaction.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers

Subject: You have not explained what is going on here

Sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 23:29:38

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Stop your blustering, man. It is you and your brother who need this transaction to succeed, not me. I am not a fool, so stop treating me like one.

How dare you go on about me "finding another fault"? As a result of the emails I have received today, it has become perfectly obvious that "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" are one and the same person. Instead of complaining, you should be thankful that I have uncovered this now obvious deception.

I asked for an explanation for this. So far, none has been forthcoming.

It is now blatantly obvious that "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" are actually same person. It is not worth trying to deny it. The question that remains is who they are trying to deceive - me or you? If you know that they are the same person, I must presume that you are in league with them, trying to deceive me. If you were not aware of this fact, it would appear that they are trying to deceive you as well as me.

Despite all that has happened so far, I still trust you. However, I now have absolutely NO trust in "Mrs Regina Koyi" or "Mrs Boma Manuel", who as far as I know, are probably one and the same person.

As I said in my last email, the money is ready to be transferred to enable this transaction to continue. However, NO money is leaving my hands until this disturbing matter has been thoroughly explained to my satisfaction.

And for the record, I do care what happens to your brother. Believe me, I am a compassionate man, and it matters greatly to me.

The matter is with you now, Alali. Explain these deeply worrying inconsistencies or wave goodbye to my assistance, and to my money. Then try explaining that to your sick brother.

Get back to me by return.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Equity Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: TALK GENTLY ALWAYS PLEASE AND NOT BEING HARSH

Sent: Sat, 27 Sep 2003 15:36:10 +0200 (CEST)

Sir,

We are surprised that instead of you following with procedures of remitting your fund, that you find more time instead in looking to areas that does not affect your transaction.

BIAO Bank is our client bank and we notarise and legalise funds for smooth remittance, our staff secretary is attached with the bank for emergency handling affairs so the mail sent to you has nothing strange about it as this is the operational code unit.

Should you need our services, we will proceed to procure the clearances on your behalf.

Thanks.

Yours in service,

EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This is all I have for you

Sent: Sat, 27 Sep 2003 18:13:30 +0100 (BST)

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

All I have to explain to you and stand the fact is that Mrs Regina and Mrs Boma Manuel are two different persons.

I have it in mind that you are not sending any money to me. If you say you are not going to continue, I will never in his life plead to you, but all I will do is to get someone who will take your place and I will apply to the bank for change of account to new person's account.

So do not think you are doing any good to me. If you continue or not, I have already given you my mandate that if you can not complete this transaction by Monday, I will take my action, because you have delayed this transaction and I will not continue waiting for you while my brother and his family are suffering in Iraq.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers

Subject: Despite my reservations, I will move forward

Sent: Sun, 28 Sep 2003 20:51:52

Alali,

Despite your abrupt (some would say rude) email and your complete failure to provide me with any explanation as to how "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" are able to send me identical emails from the same address, I am willing to proceed. This is purely out of my concern for the wellbeing of your poor brother in Iraq. However, I still retain my suspicions. Be warned: I fear that whoever is pretending to be "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel" is probably trying to deceive us both. Watch your back. I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them.

Now then. This so-called Manuel woman instructed me to send the money to a "Mrs. Chinwendu Okafor". Who is this? Does this woman actually exist, or is she the same person as "Mrs Regina Koyi" and "Mrs Boma Manuel"? Have you ever seen these three people in the same room together?

Provide me with information on who this woman is, first thing tomorrow morning, and I will travel into town and transfer the money as required.

But I warn you. The first sign of any monkey business from any of these so-called women and I will come down on them like a ton of bricks.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. You still have not told me what is wrong with your brother. How difficult can it possibly be to put this information in an email? Tell me at once for god's sake.

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Do not be afraid of anything

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 11:22:57 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I have told you that these two people are not the same. Mrs Koyi is our bank's Secretary and Mrs Manuel is the bank's accredited attorney.

I called Mrs Manuel's office this morning to ask her about Mrs Chiwendu Okefor. She informed me that she is one of the associates in her chambers that will go to pick up the money immediately you send it.

Sir, I don't know why you will have fear when I am here to see that everything went well. Please send them the money, then inform me with the copy of the transfer information so that I will follow up to see that they will get the clearance today and also effect the transfer.

About my brother's illness, the wife informed me that the doctor said that he had heart attack, and up till now he is still in coma.

Expecting your urgent response.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers

Subject: The Western Union payment has been made

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 12:03:58

Alali,

Just got back from town and read your email. Dreadful news about your brother. Heart attack, you say? In a coma eh? Terrible news. Poor show. Sure the doctors are doing all they can. Hope the man will be well enough to leave Iraq as planned when the time comes. Preferably walking, and not in a box, do you see? My sympathy.

Anyway, to business. Pleased to be able to tell you that I popped into town early morning and have made the money transfer via Western Union. Never used the service before. Surprisingly easy after all that kerfuffle we had earlier.

As I refuse to have anything to do with all this Euro nonsense, I have converted the amount you quoted into good old English Pounds Sterling. Came to 4711.29. Rounded it down to 4711.00 to make the figures easier. Trust this is acceptable. Presume you can collect the amount in groats or beads or whatever you use for currency down there.

Now. You'll need the details of the payment so you can collect the money. Slight problem at the bureau de change - couldn't find the piece of paper on which I'd written this Chinwendu Okapi's name and couldn't remember how to spell it - but not to worry, I made the payment out to that Manuel woman instead. Trust she can pop her head round the door of her local Western Union office and pick up the payment without any trouble.

So. Here's the details you need:

Receiver's name: Mrs Boma Manuel

Test question: My favourite song?

Answer: The Urban Spaceman

Had a bit of trouble thinking of a suitable question. Came up with this one off the top of my head. Favourite song. By the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Quintessentially English group. Marvellous.

Talking of light entertainment, Mrs Murray and I had a cracking time at the England for the English fundraising comedy night on Saturday. Bit of an awkward situation when The Krankies turned up and they turned out to be Scottish - can't have any Celtic types performing at one of our rallies for god's sake - but Dai Llewellyn called in a few favours and managed to get hold of Max Boyce, who stepped in at the last minute and gave a damn good performance.

To be honest, nobody was too disappointed not to see The Krankies. Something damn odd about a grown woman dressing up like a schoolboy and sitting on her husband's lap if you ask me. Shouldn't be allowed. Have to say, Bernie Clifton was undoubtedly the star of the show. That ostrich may be looking a bit threadbare after all these years, but I laughed so much I nearly soiled myself. Not his legs, do you see? Fake ostrich and all that?

Now. Back to business. Let me know as soon as you've collected the money and give me some idea of what our next step is. I gather this is where that Manuel woman tugs a few strings at the relevant ministries. As long as that's all she has to tug, do you get my drift? And let's have no more of these interminable delays. Best foot forward and all that.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Informations not complete

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 13:47:25 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I just called the attorney's office and the woman informed me that you did not give her the complete informations of the transferred amount, such as the control number and sender's name.

It is quite obvious that the lawyer will secure the clearances once received the amount from you, so please avoid any delay so that this fund can be transferred to your bank account today after getting the clearances.

Sir, send to her the control number and the sender's name so that she can collect the money today and secure the clearance certificates.

Expecting your urgent response.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers

Subject: Re: Informations not complete

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 14:03:33

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. I omitted the sender's name as you know it already! It is my name, for god's sake. I only have the one name.

As for the control number, it is written down somewhere, but the young girl at the bureau de change informed me that it was not that important - that all you really needed to pick up the money was the test question and answer.

The paperwork is in the study somewhere, but I've no time to go rooting through my piles of correspondence this afternoon to find a number you don't need.

More delays. This is no way to carry on when your brother is in a coma. Contact me when that Manuel woman has collected the money.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Informations not complete

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 14:59:46 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I believe that you are not ready for this transaction. I have met with this woman and she told me that I should forget you, that you are joker, that you are not ready to help my brother, that no reasonable person will be behaving the way you are doing.

Sir, like I told you, I have only today with you and let me tell you, this woman has decided not to write you any longer till you prove yourself to be a normal person. They all take you as to be irresponsible.

The Bank Director said that you are drunk and that you can not handle this transaction, so sir, since this transaction began I have never seen any thing serious in you like they have said.

If you are being truthful to yourself, send the woman the slip you used in making the transfer.

Please, this will be my last mail to you. If I do not see anything fruitful from you, then today I will apply for the change of your account and another person will take your place.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank; Equity Chambers

Subject: How dare you speak to me like that?

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 15:33:01

Alali,

I am in receipt of your astonishing email. How dare you speak to me like that, you impudent cur? Your so-called lawyer calls me a "joker", the so-called director of your so-called bank calls me a "drunk", and you sir, you add insult to injury by telling me that I am not serious. You can tell your bloody "bank director" to shove his remittance form up his APACS, for a start.

I am doing all I can here to help your brother, and what do I get from you and your bunch of indolent cronies? Insults! Bloody insults! And all this while your poor brother lies in his sick bed!

Before you start insulting me, sir, I suggest you take a long hard look at the knaves and varlets you appear to be surrounding yourself with. I have never in my life seen such a breathtaking display of incompetence like this. And I have been to Wales, sir, and they know a thing or two about incompetence there, let me tell you.

Unless I receive a full apology from you, Bapou and "Mrs Boma Manuel", I am going to revisit the Western Union office and withdraw the money transfer that I made this morning. And then you can all go to hell as far as I am concerned.

Returning to the business in hand, let me put this to you, clear and plain. I have given you all the information you need to collect the money I transferred via Western Union this morning. Here is the information once again, in the hope that it sinks in this time:

Sender's name: Mr Gilbert Arnold Murray (that's me, for god's sake)

Receiver's name: Mrs Boma Manuel

Test question: My favourite song?

Answer: The Urban Spaceman

As for the control number, I have rifled through the piles of paperwork in my study, and I believe that the number is 8455390274. Although as I have told you already, you do not need this number to collect the money.

Be thankful that I am not there with you in person, or I would treat you like my computer and punch the information into you.

Now. Get that so-called lawyer's lazy arse into gear. Tell the woman to stop painting her nails and send her to collect the money forthwith so that we can proceed.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Attach the transfer slip and send to the woman

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 16:19:11 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

The woman told me that she called the Western Union and gave them the information and they said that there is no such transfer.

You need to send the slip through attachment to prove to them that you are telling the truth.

I was there. Even I was mad with the woman, but when she called the Western Union office I was disappointed. I am writing you now from her office.

If you know what you saying, please attach the transfer slip to her and copy to me. This is the only thing that will make me believe you because the woman is taking me to be a fool, that since she started doing such transactions with people, that this is the only different one that everything is a lie.

Please prove yourself.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Equity Chambers

Subject: How dare you impugn my honesty?

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 16:53:49

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email.

Two things.

ONE. You have not apologised for the unforgivable insults you directed towards me in your last email. Nor have I received apologies from that Manuel woman, or from Bapou. I demand an apology.

TWO. You are now calling me a liar. I cannot believe this. I am an Englishman - my word is my bond - and my reputation is extremely important to me. How dare you imply that I am being in any way deceitful? Are you taking the word of the shady "Mrs Boma Manuel" over my own word? I have told you that I have transferred the money via Western Union. And yet you have the nerve to doubt me. Why the blazes would I lie? What in god's name could I possibly stand to gain from lying to you in this caper? It makes no sense, man.

THREE. I will not jump through hoops on your command, simply to satisfy your so-called lawyer's fevered whims. Are you playing games with me, man? Besides, even if I wanted to scan in the transfer slip and send it to you, I could not do so; I have lent my scanner to the England for the English Vice-President, Colm O'Reilly, so that he can produce more campaign literature.

Okay, that's three things, not two. No matter.

Now. Have you considered that your local Western Union agent might be at fault? They may have some problem with their computer system, for example. Alternatively, your local Western Union agent may simply not know their arse from their elbow. Perhaps Mrs Boma Manuel and your local Western Union agent attended the same school and they both received the same lamentably poor standard of education.

I suggest you do two things, immediately:

ONE. Send me an immediate apology.

TWO. Get down to your Western Union agent and sort things out. Perhaps if you were to accompany that Manuel woman, you might be able to get some sense out of them. If you want something done properly, do it yourself, man.

I knew a simple bank transfer would have been easier. What did I tell you last week? It would have saved all this pissing around and we would have been home and dry by now.

I await your response.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: How can my brother trust a man like you?

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 18:31:25 +0100 (BST)

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I went to the Western Union office with the woman attorney. In my own presence they told us that there is no money sent with the informations you sent. You just made us look stupid before the officers.

Sir, I informed you that I will be applying for the change of account today and that is what I will do. Thanks for your effort so far.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: What is the matter with you?

Sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 20:56:31

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. I am at a loss for words. What can possibly be so difficult about collecting this money? It was a simple task for me to send it to you via Western Union. Surely it is a simple task for you to pick it up?

You work in a bank, for god's sake. Surely you are used to dealing with money transfers. How on earth have you managed to make such a lamentable cock-up of this affair?

I'll bet your brother won't be pleased when he hears about your incompetence in this matter. It's lucky for you that he is currently in a coma. Otherwise I expect he would be wanting to tear a strip off you.

And don't blame me for making you look stupid at the Western Union office. If you ask me, that's something you do spectacularly well on your own.

What should I do about the money I have transferred via Western Union? It is still there waiting for you. Surely you don't want me to cancel the transaction? Wouldn't want to think I was wasting my time with this caper.

Let me know how we proceed from here.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Looking forward to receiving that completed petition from you on Thursday. Can't wait to see what signatures you've collected for me. The entire England for the English campaign will be most grateful for your efforts.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: My petition

Sent: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 12:03:26

Alali,

Expecting to receive that petition from you today. Make sure it gets to me by the end of the day, will you? It's late already.

Chop chop, man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Answer me

Sent: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 15:27:54 +0100 (BST)

Gilbert,

Are you OK?

Are you a fool?

Are you a drunk?

Please let me know.

Thanks,

Bali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: I now consider this matter closed

Sent: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 16:36:10

Alali,

How many times do I have to remind you, the correct manner of address is "Wing Commander Murray"? Show some respect when talking to your superiors, god damn it.

I take it from your impudent email that you will not be returning my petition. Well, so be it. I don't know you try to do something decent to help out your fellow man, and what do you get in return? Nothing but insolence and ingratitude.

We'd have soon whipped you into shape in the RAF, let me tell you.

As a result of your insolence and your astonishing level of incompetence and stupidity, I now consider our business relationship over and done with. I have therefore cancelled the Western Union money transfer and retrieved my money.

I have to say, it's your brother I feel sorry for. If you were incapable of making a success of this business with me, I doubt you'll have much success with anyone else.

Please pass on my regards to your incompetent colleagues.

I now consider this matter closed.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

The Retired Wing Commander(part 2 of 2)

The Retired Wing Commander
(part 2 of 2)