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Gilbert Murray MP's Westminster Blog - New The Gypping in the Marsh Podcast - New The Gypping in the Marsh Village Website - New
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The Inventor III (part 3 of 3)Click here to view the previous part of this scambust, or click here to view the beginning of the scambust. From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: This is most distressing news Sent: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 16:32:08 Dear Mr Clovis, This is most distressing news, my dear fellow. I am extremely surprised that your new secretary has not managed to collect the money I transferred to her earlier today. Are you sure she knows what she is doing? Perhaps she gave the wrong answer to the test question or went to the wrong office or something like that. It is too late in the day to do anything about this now, but I will travel back into town first thing tomorrow morning and sort everything out with the MoneyGram agent. I am sure there will be a simple explanation to all this. I will contact you as soon as I return from town in the morning. Please don't worry, Mr Clovis. Whatever the problem, I am sure we will be able to get everything sorted out tomorrow. Best regards, Gilbert Murray PS. It is good to see from the wording of your email that you seem to have gained a sense of urgency at long last. Well done, my dear fellow. Keep it up. From: Beaker To: Aminata Kabba Subject: I HAVE HEARD SOMETHING TERRIBLE Sent: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 16:48:24 Hi Aminata, Thank you for your lovely email and for telling me that you love me. I love you too. I do not quite know how to tell you what I want to tell you. You know that Professor Yaffle was here this weekend and he was talking to Mr Murray about how to get enough money to pay for their next project which is inventing something secret that I do not know about yet? Well they were deep in conversation most of the weekend and Professor Yaffle is still here as he has decided to stay for a few more days to carry on talking about their plans. Well Mr Murray tried to keep all of this a secret from me but I could not help but overhear some of their conversation through the study door while I was polishing the silverware in the hallway today and I was horrified when I heard what Mr Murray and Professor Yaffle were talking about. I do not know how to put this. It is so terrible and I cannot believe that Mr Murray is thinking of doing such a thing. But I have to tell you this because I love you Aminata. So here goes. From what I heard Mr Murray and Professor Yaffle talking about it sounds like they are planning to use the money that your dad left to you to pay for their project. I heard Mr Murray tell Professor Yaffle that the project was going to be very expensive and that the ten percent you had offered him was not going to be enough to pay for it so they needed to get their hands on all of your money. Mr Murray is worried that if he asked you for the money you would not give it to him so what he is planning to do is to adopt you so that you will be his daughter and then when you come to live with us over here and you are his daughter he is going to murder you and make it look like an accident and then he will inherit all of your money! I cannot believe that Mr Murray is planning to do this but I heard it with my own ears so I know that it is the truth! I do not know what to do my darling Aminata. I cannot tell Mr Murray that I know what he is planning because then he would get very angry and he might hurt me. But I cannot let him do such a terrible thing to the woman I love. I will have to think carefully about what to do my love. Please do not tell Mr Murray that I know what he is planning because I am afraid for my own safety but I will think of something. And please do not say anything to Mr Murray that would make him stop working with Mr Bovis because we need Mr Murray and Mr Bovis to finish what they are doing to get you over here so that we can get married. Do not worry my love. I will think of something. I love you and I will not let Mr Murray kill you for your money. He would have to kill me first. Thanking you, Beaker From: Aminata Kabba To: Beaker Subject: Thanks for the information Sent: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 04:20:44 -0500 (EST) Dear Beaker, Thank you very much for your message and the information you revealed to me. All the same it shows me that you really care about me. But on the other hand I can release the money for any lucrative business venture under good arrangement with Papa. I don't think I have any problem with investing the money since I am going to spend the rest of my life with both of you. Please, you should know better how you want us to go about the whole issue. I love you so much, in fact I can't wait to see you. I must confess that you are so caring. Lots of love from, Aminata Kabba From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: I have made a new transfer Sent: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 10:45:23 Dear Mr Clovis, You will be pleased to hear that I have resolved the problem regarding my transfer of money to your secretary. I went straight into town this morning and spoke to my bank manager. I explained that Ms Kiran had not been able to collect the money that I transferred to her via MoneyGram's Transglobal Worldwide Automated Transfer System. Mr West looked into the situation, and it appears that this system of money transfer has apparently only just been introduced, which could explain why it has not yet reached the desert wastes of Senegal. Mr West apologised profusely for any inconvenience this may have caused, and asked me to pass on his apologies to you and Ms Kiran. He then cancelled the transfer I made yesterday and arranged for the money to be transferred using one of MoneyGram's traditional systems: the Federal United Consolidated Worldwide International Transfer Service. I have attached the receipt to this email. Mr West double-checked and he assures me that this system has been in use by MoneyGram in Senegal for years. Therefore, Ms Kiran should be able to collect the money from your local MoneyGram agent today. Once again, Ms Kiran will have to give my name and address and answer a test question in order to pick up the money. These are the same as they were for the transfer yesterday. I do apologise for the inconvenience, my dear fellow. This is most unfortunate, as it has resulted in yet another delay. I trust that you will send Ms Kiran to the MoneyGram agent as soon as you receive this email, so that she can collect your money and we can move forward with speed. Please let me know as soon as the money is in your hands. I look forward to hearing from you. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: Mr Clovis should be able to collect his money today Sent: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 10:48:43 Dear Miss Kabba, You may have heard from Mr Clovis that there was a slight problem yesterday and that as a result of that he was unable to collect the money that I transferred to him. I am writing to let you know that I have sorted out the problem, and that Mr Clovis should be able to pick up his money today without fail. I do apologise for the delay that this has introduced, my dear girl. I am more desperate than ever now to release your late father's fortune from the bank, free you from the refugee camp and adopt you as my own daughter, in a very real and legally-binding sense. I simply cannot wait to receive the final adoption papers, to know that you are my daughter, and to get my hands on you. I am sure that things will move forward positively today, my dear. Keep putting a brave face on things. We will get you out of there before very long, I promise you. Best regards, Darling Papa From: Beaker To: Aminata Kabba Subject: I WILL SAVE YOU MY LOVE Sent: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 12:30:59 Hi Aminata, Thanks for your lovely email and thanks for telling me again that you love me. I do love you Aminata and I will save you from Mr Murray's evil schemes my love so please do not worry. I listened at the door some more last night and I heard Mr Murray and Professor Yaffle talking about what they were planning to do to you. It was terrible and it was all I could do to stop myself from breaking the door down and running into the room when I heard what they were planning because it is so horrible and I love you so much and I do not want you to die. Mr Murray and Professor Yaffle were trying to decide the best way to kill you. Professor Yaffle suggested that they could strangle you and then dissolve your body in an acid bath but Mr Murray said that would be no good because he would need your body to prove that you were dead so that he would inherit all of your money. Then Mr Murray suggested that they could stab you to death and pretend it was an accident but Professor Yaffle said that might look too suspicious. Then Professor Yaffle suggested that they could poison you and pretend it was an accident but Mr Murray said that the poison might not work and you might survive and that would be no good. And then Mr Murray suggested that they could throw you down the stairs and break your neck and say that you had slipped on a roller skate and they decided that would be a good plan because if you did not break your neck the first time they threw you down the stairs they could drag you up to the top and throw you down again until you did and so that is what they are planning to do. I was in tears when I heard this my love because I love you and I cannot believe that Mr Murray is planning to kill the woman I love for your money. But do not worry my love. I have made up my mind to do something about this before Mr Murray gets the chance to kill you. I have decided to kill Mr Murray first. That is the only thing I can think of that will stop him from killing you. I know it is a bad and evil thing to do but I will be doing it to save your life so maybe it will not be so bad after all. Professor Yaffle leaves this afternoon. I have made up my mind. I just need to work out the best way to kill Mr Murray and the best time to do it and then I will do it. And then we can live happily ever after here in Hemlock Cottage and we can make sweet love and have lots of little children and nasty old Mr Murray will not be around to ruin things for us. I am doing this for you my love. Because I love you. Wish me luck. Thanking you, Beaker From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Please use a familiar system of transfer Sent: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 06:49:30 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, The new transfer did not work either. The MoneyGram agent here told my secretary that the reference number is not correct and that their reference numbers are always eight digits. Send this money through a Western Union agent there in England, or you send by direct MoneyGram agent in the post offices. This new system of transfer doesn't work here in Senegal. The agent here said their control numbers are eight digits, no alphabets, but only numbers. If it is possible, do it today to avoid further delay. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: Are you sure your secretary knows what she is doing? Sent: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 16:03:39 Dear Mr Clovis, This is not good news at all, my dear fellow. I have transferred money to you using two different systems, yet your secretary has failed to collect the money on both occasions. Are you sure she knows what she is doing? Well, I see that once again it is up to me to sort things out. I am not pleased; this is taking up a great deal of my time. I will travel into town again tomorrow morning, cancel the transfer I made today and transfer the money via Western Union. As there is a 500 limit on transfers from Britain to Senegal via Western Union, I will make a single transfer of 500 to start off with. If your secretary has the wit to collect that money, I will then transfer the rest of it. Is there a shortage of decent secretaries over there in Senegal or something? I will get back to you tomorrow when I return from town. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: More bad news, I am afraid Sent: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 18:19:12 Dear Miss Kabba, I have some more bad news to relate to you, I am afraid. Once again, Mr Clovis' useless secretary has completely failed to collect the money I transferred to her. This is dreadful. I have to say, I have never experienced incompetence such as this when working with my own lawyer, Welsby, or with his secretary for that matter. I think Mr Clovis needs to choose his secretaries with a touch more care. Anyway, I am going to transfer the money again tomorrow, using Western Union this time. I only hope Mr Clovis' secretary manages to pick up the money tomorrow without fouling things up again. On another matter, I do hope Beaker is alright. He seems to be avoiding me, and he keeps on looking at me in a very strange way, with an odd glint in his eye. I do hope he has been taking his medication. I know you two lovebirds are quite close. Tell me, my dear, has he said anything to you about him feeling unwell at all? I must go. I have to make plans about what to do with you when you arrive over in this country. Do look after yourself in that refugee camp, won't you, my dear? Don't worry though; all your suffering will soon be over. I will make absolutely sure of that. Best regards, Darling Papa From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: I have transferred 500 via Western Union Sent: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 10:19:47 Dear Mr Clovis, For the third morning in a row I have disrupted my busy schedule and travelled into town to transfer money to your hapless secretary. As soon as I arrived in town, I cancelled yesterday's transfer and went straight to the Western Union agent, where I made a transfer of 500 to Ms Kiran. 500, if you remember, is the maximum amount I can transfer in one go using Western Union. That is why I used the other methods of transfer: to try and make things easier for you. I did not expect your secretary to foul things up so comprehensively. No matter. I have attached the Western Union receipt to this email. The details Ms Kiran needs to collect the money are as follows: MCTN: 3819947825 Sender's name: Gilbert Arnold Murray Sender's address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK Test question: Gilbert's next project? Answer: Marvellous mechanical mouse organ Please send Ms Kiran to your local Western Union agent immediately to collect the money and get back to me as soon as the 500 is in your possession. As soon as I hear that it has been transferred successfully I will return to the Western Union agent and transfer the rest of the money to you. And please, Mr Clovis, let us have no more mistakes. I am growing sick and tired of these delays. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Aminata Kabba To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thank you very much Sent: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 05:36:19 -0500 (EST) Darling Papa, Thanks for your mail. I am very excited the way you are progressing with the lawyer. Please don't be discouraged by the actions of the lawyer's new secretary. It may not be her fault because this place is a French country so their system may be different from your system in the United Kingdom. I will go and see the lawyer to know exactly what happened in the bank. Have a nice day sir. Your darling daughter, Aminata Kabba From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: A dreadful turn of events! Sent: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 11:19:16 Dear Miss Kabba, I am in a state of shock, my dear girl. I cannot believe what has just happened! Beaker just tried to kill me! I returned from town this morning and busied myself with my work in the laboratory, mixing a new formulation to inject into the chickens in my quest for the perfect square egg. Having filled a syringe with some of the mixture, I walked out into the yard to collect a chicken so that I could inject it. I opened the chicken coop and reached in and pulled out a chicken. I then turned round to see Beaker standing in front of me with a large axe in his hands. He had a mad look in his eyes. I didn't know what to do; I just froze. Beaker raised the axe above his head, screamed, and ran towards me brandishing the axe! As he brought the axe down, I just managed to step back out of the way, and luckily the axe missed me completely. However, it did hit the chicken that I held in my hands, and the axe split the poor animal in two, right down the middle! Instinct cut in. Before Beaker had a chance to raise the heavy axe and strike again, I thrust the bloody corpse of the chicken into his face, temporarily blinding him with the blood. As Beaker staggered backwards, he dropped the axe and tried to pull the chicken body off his face. I acted quickly. I reached to my side, picked up a garden spade, and brought it round in a long sweep. The spade connected with Beaker's head with a loud clang, and Beaker fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. I stood back, panting to get my breath back, in shock at what Beaker had tried to do. After a couple of minutes, when I had come to my senses somewhat, I reached down towards Beaker's body and checked for his pulse. I found to my horror that there wasn't one. I have killed Beaker! I don't know what to do now. Obviously, I was acting in self-defence, but that might not be clear to the police if I told them what I had done. People could get quite the wrong idea. I don't know what to do. I think the best thing for me to do is to keep quiet about all this, and to dispose of Beaker's body in Gypping Marsh tonight. Do you think that is wise? I should really tell the police what happened, but they might misunderstand, and they would probably take me into custody, and as well as interrupting my work, that would mean that I would not be able to get my hands on you and your money. Oh, what a terrible thing to have happened. My dear girl, I know that you and Beaker were very close. Can you ever forgive me for what I have done? Can you forgive your darling papa? Oh, what a dreadful day. Please, my dear, please respond to me and tell me that you forgive me. It was an accident. I did not mean to kill him. He tried to kill me. It was an accident, a terrible accident. I only hope that we get some good news from Mr Clovis today. Things are going terribly wrong around here. Why would Beaker try to do such a terrible thing to me? What should I do? What should I do? Best regards, Darling Papa From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Treat as urgent Sent: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 05:00:51 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I went to the Western Union agent with my secretary now but still the same thing. I think there is a mix up somewhere along the line. There is no order for them to pay in the agent's system. The control number is showing invalid or the payment has not reflected. Please call the agent and confirm this because I went there myself. I await your urgent response to this issue. If you want to confirm what I said now then go to www.westernunion.com, then click Order Status. It will give you space to enter your name and the money transfer control number. You can see what I am talking about. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: What the hell are you playing at over there? Sent: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 13:29:37 Mr Clovis, What the hell are you playing at over there? Good God, man, this is the third time I have transferred money to your secretary and this is the third time she has completely failed to collect the money. How difficult can it possibly be to pick up money from a Western Union agent? This is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. Yet again I see you are relying on me to sort things out. As if I didn't have better things to do with my time. Very well, I will go back into town and go back to the Western Union agent again and see what the problem is. However, I will not be able to do this until tomorrow morning. We have had a rather unfortunate accident here at Hemlock Cottage, and I have a lot of clearing up to do and a large hole to dig. I will travel into town first thing tomorrow morning and get this unholy mess sorted out once and for all. In the meantime, where on earth are those documents you promised me? Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: Problem solved Sent: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 10:30:31 Dear Mr Clovis, Good day to you. After a good night's sleep, I am pleased to be able to report that I am in a much better mood today than I was yesterday. I apologise if I was rather short in my last email to you, but please understand that yesterday was extremely stressful for me. I will not bother you with the details; suffice to say that yesterday was absolute murder. Anyway, I would like to put yesterday behind me. Back to our business. I travelled into town first thing this morning to visit the Western Union agent and find out what had happened. I am pleased to be able to tell you that everything is now sorted out, and that your secretary will now definitely be able to collect the money I transferred to her. According to the Western Union agent, the problem with the transfer I made yesterday seems to have been a result of work that Western Union are currently carrying out on their computer network in the UK. I explained to the agent that the transfer number did not show up on your Western Union agent's computer system, and does not show up on the Western Union website. The agent telephoned Western Union's UK head office to enquire about this, and apparently the reason for this is that the UK Western Union organisation is currently in the middle of replacing all of their network routing computers. This has apparently caused a number of similar problems over the past ten days or so. The transfer is definitely in the system - the agent showed it to me on her computer - but it is not showing up on your own agent's computer system, or on the website, because of the work that they are carrying out on their network. However, this is not a problem. The agent told me exactly what your agent needs to do in order to access details of the transfer; in fact, she was extremely surprised that your agent did not do this yesterday. Apparently your agent simply needs to initiate procedure WU-573 on their computer system, entering the money transfer control number that I gave to you. This procedure, which apparently gives the agent access to all transfers that have got "stuck" in the system, will make the transfer available to your agent, meaning that you will be able to collect the money. I am sure you will agree, this is extremely good news. It means that your secretary should be able to collect the 500 I transferred to her immediately, simply by instructing your Western Union agent to initiate procedure WU-573 and entering the MTCN of the transfer. Please get back to me as soon as Ms Kiran has collected the money from the Western Union agent. I look forward to hearing from you. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: The sad demise of your beloved Beaker Sent: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 10:33:52 Dear Miss Kabba, I note that you have not contacted me, your darling papa, since I told you about the horrible accident that happened yesterday regarding your beloved Beaker. No doubt you are too upset to bring yourself to email me. This is not surprising: Beaker told me how close the two of you were getting. However, my dear girl, I would ask you to dry your eyes and cease your sobbing. What is done is done, and there is no way that we can undo it. Beaker is now gone, and we cannot bring him back. Well, having said that, apparently the local undertaker has a new assistant, Igor, who would probably disagree, but let us leave that aside for the moment. I am asking you to forgive me for the terrible thing I did yesterday, my dear child. Can you find it in your heart to rise above your current misery and do that? Can you forgive your darling papa? If it makes you feel any better, I chopped off Beaker's head before I buried him yesterday, wrapped it in cling film and popped it into the deep freeze. I am going to speak to an old friend of mine, Doctor Anders Medics, who is the Head of Research at the Human Cloning Department of Cleethorpes University. Hopefully, with the good doctor's help, we will be able to clone a new Beaker from the DNA of the old one. If Doctor Medics can tinker with the right genes, we may even be able to iron out a few of the problems the old Beaker suffered from: the athlete's foot... the chronic acne... the sociopathic personality... that sort of thing. Now then, regarding your own unfortunate situation. I am pleased to report that we now seem to have sorted out all of the money transfer problems, and Mr Clovis and his secretary should now definitely be able to collect the money that I transferred to them. I am looking forward to hearing back from him later this morning with a confirmation that the money is in his possession. So please don't worry, my dear girl. We will get you and your money out of that stinking camp very soon now, and safely into my care. Best regards, Darling Papa From: Aminata Kabba To: Gilbert Murray Subject: The shocker of my life Sent: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 06:45:27 -0500 (EST) Darling Papa, I received your mail yesterday with shock. Up till this moment I have not recovered from the shock. Is true I have not seen Beaker in person but I am feeling the effect the more. Can this be a joke? Then such a joke is quite expensive. Whatever the case may be, I don't have any other option than to forgive you if it is true because the spirit of God in me encourages me to accept what I cannot change. I saw the lawyer this morning and he complained that the transfer informations is not clear. However, I am pleased to hear to you have sorted things out. I need a little time to regain myself from the shock. Your darling daughter, Aminata Kabba From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: Thank you for your forgiveness Sent: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 12:15:26 Dear Miss Kabba, Thank you for your forgiveness, my child. I feel much happier knowing that you have forgiven me for the terrible act I committed yesterday. You do understand that it was not my fault, don't you, my dear? I would never have done what I did if Beaker had not attacked me with an axe, and even then I did not mean to kill the man. After all, I will now have to search for a new assistant, and that is most inconvenient for me. I still cannot think why Beaker tried to kill me yesterday. It is a complete mystery to me. Granted, we have had our little disagreements in the past - he put rat poison in my food the year before last after I accidentally electrocuted his dog, and he gave me radiation poisoning last year after I shot two of his pet monkeys - but he has never done anything like this before, for no reason whatsoever. I am completely mystified. Incidentally, my dear girl, you asked if this was a joke. I can assure you that it is anything but a joke. Do you really think your darling papa would joke over a matter of life and death in this manner? Shame on you, my girl, for even thinking such a thing. I do hope Mr Clovis gets back to me soon with some good news. I could do with cheering up. There is so much to do around here now that Beaker isn't around any more. Best regards, Darling Papa From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Problem not yet solved Sent: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 08:22:29 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, The Western Union agent here cannot confirm the payment by initiating the procedure as directed by your agent. I wonder why the control number cannot be confirmed in the Western Union website. This is unusual. Let them contact their agent here in Senegal and inform them of the payment. I think that is the only way to solve this problem. You know this place is a French country so they are not familiar with this advanced transfer system. Please, for the last time, let them do it the normal way. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis; Cc: Aminata Kabba Subject: This is getting extremely annoying Sent: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 16:36:51 Dear Mr Clovis, I am not at all pleased to hear that you and your secretary have yet again failed to collect the money that I have transferred to you. Have you any idea how much of my time is being wasted as a result of your incompetence? I am becoming increasingly annoyed at the delays that you and your secretary have been introducing into this business. This is not the sort of performance I would expect from a fully-trained professional lawyer such as yourself. Did you instruct your Western Union agent to initiate the procedure I told you about? You can't have done, otherwise the money would be in your possession by now. The Western Union agent at my end told me that this was standard procedure for Western Union agents around the globe. I did not use an "advanced transfer system", as you put it; I simply used Western Union's standard method of transferring money. As for you wondering why the transfer does not show up on the Western Union website, I have already explained to you what my agent told me this morning. I suggest you read my last email again, and take more notice of what it says this time. Where do we go from here? You have asked me to ask my agent to contact your agent in Senegal and sort the problem out. How on earth do you expect them to be able to do this when you haven't even told me which agent you are using? There could be any number of agents in Dakar for all I know. Send me their details by return and I will see what I can do at the Western Union agent tomorrow. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis; Cc: Aminata Kabba Subject: A suggestion to move things forward Sent: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 08:58:25 Mr Clovis, Why have you not sent me details of the Western Union agent you have been using in Senegal? How on earth am I supposed to sort things out if you do not even provide me with basic information like this? I am not psychic, for God's sake. To be perfectly frank, I have had enough of these money transfer systems. My Western Union agent told me right at the start that they were not suitable for business purposes, and I can see why now: they offer far too much opportunity for legal laggards like yourself to mess things up on a grand scale. The Western Union agent recommended that I should transfer money to you directly from one bank account to another, and given the dog's breakfast you and your secretary have made of trying to collect the money this week, this is the approach I recommend we use to get the money to you. Therefore, kindly send me details of a bank account into which I can transfer the money. I will contact my bank and make the transfer as soon as I receive the details. I realise that the money will probably take a few days to get to you using this method, but anything has got to be better than a repeat of this week's fiasco. This is a time for action, Mr Clovis. The sooner you send me details of the bank account, the sooner you will get the money and the sooner we can release Miss Kabba and her not inconsiderable fortune into my custody. Therefore kindly stop fornicating with your secretary and get to work. Get back to me immediately. Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: Could you have a word with Mr Clovis? Sent: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 11:14:52 Dear Miss Kabba, You will no doubt be aware that things are not going particularly well with the lawyer. Mr Clovis and his secretary have done nothing but delay our business this week with their carelessness and incompetence, and on top of that, the fellow doesn't seem to be particularly interested in sorting things out so that we can move forward. I am getting extremely irritated with the way he is handling things: he has wasted so much of my time over the past few weeks. To be perfectly honest with you, I am not prepared to put up with much more of this. I am bending over backwards here to try and find a way forward, but Mr Clovis is not being very helpful, to say the least. Is there any chance you could have a word with him, my dear? As you will already know, I have asked Mr Clovis for details of a bank account into which I can transfer his fee. However, he has not even had the decency to respond to my email. If I do not see some action out of him by the end of the day, I have a good mind to forget this entire business. Alternatively, are there any other lawyers in the refugee camp who could manage this business for us? Mr Clovis may well claim that he is "accredited by the United Nations", but judging by his lamentable performance to date, I find this difficult to believe. I would not be at all surprised if the United Nations had accredited him to clean toilets rather than to practise law. On another matter, you will be pleased to hear that I have contacted my old friend Doctor Anders Medics regarding the unfortunate accident that happened here the other day. Having explained the situation, Doctor Medics has assured me that he will be able to clone me a new Beaker from the remains of the old one. I am sending him an ear in the post later today: apparently that is all he needs in order to extract the old Beaker's DNA. This is excellent news. Doctor Anders Medics has assured me that even though the old Beaker is now nothing but a spirit in the sky, I will soon have a new Beaker to help me out around the place. Now then, my dear girl, do see if you can make any progress with Mr Clovis, and let me know how you get on. Best regards, Darling Papa From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Account informations Sent: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 08:33:49 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, Yours is received with your wrong choice of words. Anyway that is the system I found myself. You cannot compare the system here with what is obtainable in your own system (UK). However you can send the money to the Barclays bank account informations below: Barclays Bank PLC, 168 Fenchurch Street, London Swift: BARCGB22 Account of: FINANCIAL BANK Account name: LAKEWOOD INTL Account number: 13416139538 Send the payment slip as soon as the payment is effected. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: A query regarding the bank account Sent: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 09:58:26 Dear Mr Clovis, Thank you for sending me details of a bank account into which I can transfer the money. I am sure this will prove less troublesome than the various money transfer systems I tried to use last week. I am planning to transfer the money on Monday, as soon as the bank is open. However, I notice that you have given me details of a UK bank account, not a Senegalese one. Whose bank account is this, and how will the money get to you if I transfer money into it? Please explain before Monday morning. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Answer to your question Sent: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 02:35:38 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, Thanks for you mail. Actually the account belongs to a bank. I told my friend the bank manager about the difficulties we have experienced in receiving the money before he offered to help. As soon as the payment is confirmed in that Barclays bank account, he will give me the money here in Senegal that same day. Inform me immediately the transfer is made and don't forget to forward the transfer slip to me. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: Thank you for your explanation Sent: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 15:39:41 Dear Mr Clovis, Thank you for your prompt explanation. That all seems to make perfect sense. I will transfer the money from my bank account into your nominated bank account first thing on Monday morning, when the bank opens. I will send you a copy of the payment slip as soon as I have done so. Hopefully next week we will make some real progress, in contrast to last week. How is Miss Kabba bearing up, by the way? Is she in good spirits? I am very much looking forward to taking her and her fortune under my wing. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Aminata Kabba To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I have talked to the lawyer Sent: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 15:11:38 -0500 (EST) Darling Papa, I received your messages of yesterday. Immediately I saw the messages, I went for the lawyer and we talked at length, in fact he promised to be up and doing. The only thing he complained is that those payments were not clear. I will email you on Monday. My time is up. Have a nice weekend sir. Your darling daughter, Miss Aminata Kabba From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: I have transferred the money to your nominated bank account Sent: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 10:44:53 Dear Mr Clovis, Good news, my dear fellow. I travelled into town this morning, went straight to my bank and transferred your entire fee to your nominated bank account. I have attached a scanned copy of the payment slip to this email. I asked my bank manager, Nat West, how long the transfer would take to go through, and he told me that the money should arrive within your nominated bank account within three to four working days. This means that you will have the money by Friday at the very latest. I am pleased that we finally seem to have found a trouble-free way to get your money to you. Surely nothing can go wrong this time. With this in mind, I am assuming that you will be able to start work on my behalf with immediate effect. You can make a start by sending me the documents relating to Miss Kabba's father's bank deposit. I have asked you to send me these documents a number of times already, but you have not yet done so. Kindly get them to me by return. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: Good news, my dear girl Sent: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 10:46:02 Dear Miss Kabba, I trust you managed to have a relatively pleasant weekend amidst the dust, squalor, poverty and disease of the refugee camp. I am writing to you with good news, my dear girl. Mr Clovis finally got back to me with details of a bank account into which I could transfer his fee, and I transferred it this morning. This means that Mr Clovis should have the money in his hands by Friday at the latest, so he will finally be able to start work on releasing you and your immense fortune into my custody. I spent a lot of time this weekend cleaning Hemlock Cottage in preparation for your arrival, which hopefully should not be too far away now. I gave the whole house a good spring clean. I dusted the shelves, washed the curtains, vacuumed the carpets, and waxed and polished the wooden floors in the hallway and the landing to a fine shine. I have managed to achieve a particularly glossy finish on the floorboards of the landing: the floor there is now as shiny as an ice rink. To finish off the job and to make the landing look more homely, I have placed a nice loose mat right at the top of the stairs. I think everything is now fully prepared for your arrival. On another matter, I heard from Doctor Anders Medics earlier this morning. He received the old Beaker's ear in the post this morning. He tells me that he will set to work on it today while it is still relatively fresh. Once he has scraped away the dried blood and the years of accumulated earwax, he should be able to extract some of the old Beaker's DNA and begin work on the cloning process. It really is amazing how much science has advanced over the past few years. Do get back to me and let your darling papa know how you are, my dear. Best regards, Darling Papa From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I have received the confirmation Sent: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 02:21:30 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I have received the payment confirmation this morning. I have also noted that the transfer will take about three to four days to reach the Barclays bank account. However, it is advisable to wait till Friday when the payment will be confirmed before we can proceed so that we can be sure of what we are doing. The reason is not far-fetched, because of the series of unconfirmed payments you made last week. I will put in place all the machinery for a smooth take off of this work. Hopefully by Friday I will apply for the remaining documents that are vital for release of the money to your account, legalising of the adoption process and Miss Kabba's travelling documents simultaneously. I will surely send the whole documents to you or if possible mail them to you for safe keeping. Please exercise a little patience till Friday. I suggested a faster means of sending this money to avoid delays but it failed. I will keep you posted if there is any development before Friday. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis; Cc: Aminata Kabba Subject: Can you explain this? Sent: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 09:59:43 Mr Clovis, I have just received the following email from my bank manager:
I am aghast, Mr Clovis. I am in a state of shock. I have attached a copy of the WABITS report to this email so that you can see for yourself. Can you please explain what is going on here? What on earth were you thinking of, asking me to transfer money to a bank account that appears to be being used for criminal activities? I thought this account belonged to a friend of yours. Does this mean your friend is a criminal? I am assuming that you are as shocked by this news as I was, Mr Clovis. What is going on? I want an explanation from you. And I want it by return. Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I am shocked too Sent: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 04:57:30 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I have received your message with shock. In fact I will say that this is the shocker of my life. But all the same I must confess that I don't know anything about the account. Like I told you earlier, it was due to your request for a bank account that made me to meet this young man. I will not want to involve myself in any criminal act or activity. I have my integrity to protect and my job. Please, if you confirm that the account is fraudulent then stop the payment immediately so that we can make an alternative arrangement. I told you from the outset to send this money direct through Western Union or MoneyGram but you insisted that bank account is better. I can't imagine myself being associated with fraud all in the name of trying to render legal services outside my official assignment. If you cannot send this money through a faster known means of transfer I will be forced to reconsider the job. I can't even go back to the man to ask him anything again about the account because I hate fraudulent people. Instead I will prefer to prosecute him. Please withdraw your money from the account and send it via Western Union money transfer because I am not ready to explain what I don't know. I am sorry for the inconveniences it may cause you but it is better to be on the safer side. Let me know your considered opinion. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis; Cc: Aminata Kabba Subject: Do you want me to try Western Union again? Sent: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 14:50:20 Dear Mr Clovis, I am shocked. You are shocked. My bank manager is shocked. We are all shocked at this shocking turn of events which came as such a shock. But are you aghast too, Mr Clovis? Because I am aghast, and my bank manager is aghast. I think it only right and proper that you should be aghast too. I went into town at lunchtime to speak to my bank manager, Nat West, in person about this shocking matter. Mr West made further enquiries on my behalf, and spoke personally to Mr Fudd of WABITS. Mr Fudd told him that WABITS was working closely with the authorities throughout West Africa to enable them to apprehend these fraudsters. Mr Fudd was able to assure us that the Senegalese authorities knew the exact identity of the fraudsters who are using this particular bank account. He said that the fraudsters were currently under secret surveillance, and that the authorities were using the latest techniques such as monitoring their emails and mobile phone messages to keep track of them and gather evidence for prosecution. Apparently the authorities can even track the precise location of mobile telephones nowadays, and this means that they now know exactly where the fraudsters live. Mr Fudd assured us that the Senegalese authorities have already collected enough evidence against these particular fraudsters, and that they are planning to arrest them within a matter of days or weeks. Apparently the usual procedure is to raid their homes at dawn while they are asleep. I am sure you will agree, this is excellent news: before too long, these worthless scum will be behind bars where they will not be able to harm anyone. I am still unpleasantly surprised at the thought that you persuaded me to transfer a large sum of money into a bank account that is being used by fraudsters. Surely the man behind the account must be a friend of yours, otherwise you would not have asked me to transfer money into the account. How do you explain this? Is your friend a fraudster? And if your friend is a fraudster, what does that make you? If you knew he was a fraudster, that makes you a fraudster too. If you did not know, that makes you a fool. So which is it, Mr Clovis? Are you a fraudster or a fool? Logic dictates that you must be one or the other. Anyway, back to the business in hand. Do you want me to try and transfer the money via Western Union again? If I do so, do you think your secretary will have enough wits about her this time to enable her to pick up the money without any problems? Please let me know what you want me to do. I await your response. Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: The way forward Sent: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 11:01:50 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I am neither a fraudster nor a fool but I was overzealous to render your services due to your constant pressure. In my bid to please you I have stepped into the shoes of fraudulent people. However, I thank God for his intervention. Let's assume you transferred the money and they refused to give me the money, will you believe me so easily? The bank man was introduced to me. Anyway, I can proceed if you will be able to go to a Western Union agent and send the money there, then confirm the transfer on their website before sending the information to me. Any other arrangement outside this is not realistic to me. With all sincerity of purpose I will render your services as earlier agreed. The sooner you do this the better for all concerned. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: I will transfer the money to you tomorrow Sent: Wed, 26 Jan 2005 09:32:47 Dear Mr Clovis, Thank you for your email, and for your assertion that you are neither a fraudster nor a fool. For the good of Miss Kabba and her late father's millions, I am prepared to put inescapable logic to one side for the moment and take your word for it. However, even if you are neither a fraudster nor a fool, you would have to admit that you have shown exceptionally poor judgement in this case by asking me to transfer money into a fraudster's bank account. I could have lost my money, thanks to you, and where would we be now if that had happened? Take my advice, Mr Clovis, and sharpen up your antennae. You say that you have "stepped into the shoes of fraudulent people". Well take your feet out of those shoes at once and place them firmly into the sandals of the good and decent. And buckle them in well. You referred in your email to the "constant pressure" that you claim I was putting you under. Pish and tosh, Mr Clovis. The only reason I had to keep on pressurising you was that your performance in this matter was so utterly lacklustre. Besides, surely pressure is part and parcel of a lawyer's life? If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, as they say. I would have thought you would be used to heat, living in Senegal as you do. Anyway, back to business. I cannot transfer the money to you today, as I have a prior engagement at the Human Cloning Department of Cleethorpes University, where an old colleague of mine is working on producing a new Beaker for me (I broke the old one in an unfortunate accident). I will therefore have to wait until tomorrow to get the money to you. I will send you an email tomorrow once I have transferred the money to your secretary. Given the shenanigans of the past few weeks, I am gravely disappointed in you, Mr Clovis. You have a lot of ground to make up. It is time to start impressing me with your performance, otherwise I will find myself another lawyer. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: An update on the current situation Sent: Wed, 26 Jan 2005 09:45:41 Dear Miss Kabba, A quick email to keep you updated on the current situation. As you will no doubt be aware, Mr Clovis inexplicably tried to get me to transfer money into the bank account of a fraudster. If it had not been for the vigilence of my bank, I would have lost all of my money thanks to him. I have to say that I have never come across a more incompetent lawyer in my entire life. Are you sure this man is professionally qualified to practise law? Given his dire performance over the past couple of weeks, I wouldn't trust him to sweep the streets. However, despite my intense disappointment with Mr Clovis, he unfortunately appears to be the only man who can help to release you and your fortune from the confines of the refugee camp. Therefore, I have agreed to attempt to transfer the money to him once again tomorrow. I only hope that he and his secretary show a bit more common sense this time and actually manage to pick up the money. How is life in the refugee camp, by the way? I trust you are managing to steer clear of any diseases and infestations? Is your health good, my dear girl? Do try to keep your spirits up for your darling papa, won't you? Best regards, Darling Papa From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I sincerely apologise for everything Sent: Wed, 26 Jan 2005 05:42:38 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, Yours is received today. I considered it a loss in the real sense of judgement and moral miscalculation for a United Nations accredited attorney like me to advise my client to pay me through a fraud account. In case you don't know, we are trusted and tested lawyers. You cannot continue to insult me with your choice of words, simply because I went the extra mile to give you the best of my services. It can happen to anybody but I think this is an eye opener for me because I didn't believe such things happened here in Senegal. However, I have to apologise to you for whatever damage the account arrangement has done to your good self or your bankers. We will all thank God for his early intervention. Please, if you send the money through Western Union, make sure you confirm the transfer in their website before leaving the agent's office to avoid a repeat of what happened the previous week. I am waiting to hear from you as soon as you have transferred the money. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: I have transferred the money to your secretary yet again Sent: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 10:26:51 Dear Mr Clovis, Thank you for your email. Your grovelling apology is accepted. Just make sure nothing like that happens again and we will say no more about it. I have transferred the money to your secretary yet again. However, given the problems we experienced with Western Union last week, I decided to see if there was any other way of getting the money to you, so I went to see my bank manager again. Fortunately, he was able to suggest an alternative method of money transfer, which he assures me is accepted in all of the major banks in Senegal: the Guaranteed International Money Provision Service (GIMPS). Apparently the money is transferred instantly using GIMPS, so it is rather like Western Union. Using GIMPS, the recipient (Ms Kiran) must go to a bank and ask the cashier for a GIMPS form, which they then fill in with details provided by the sender (me) in order to collect the money. GIMPS sounded absolutely ideal for our purposes: using GIMPS, Ms Kiran should be able to access the money immediately. I have attached a copy of the GIMPS receipt to this email. Ms Kiran simply needs to go to a bank, ask for a GIMPS form and complete it with the following information: Sender's name: Gilbert Arnold Murray Account number: 74053275 Sort code: 21-38-19 Account holding bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK GIMPS code: 23F-57T-674G I have attached the GIMPS receipt I was given to this email. Please let me know as soon as Ms Kiran has collected the money. Then perhaps you can finally make a start working on my behalf. And let us have no more cock-ups from your end this time. I look forward to hearing from you later today. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: Have you picked up the money yet? Sent: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 16:14:24 Mr Clovis, What's going on over there? Have you and your secretary picked up the money I transferred to you yet? Don't keep me hanging on, for God's sake. Let me know what is happening at your end. I am waiting to hear back from you. The entire future of my daughter to be is currently resting upon the cheap, dusty jacket that is undoubtedly stretched tightly across your hunched shoulders. Kindly get off your no doubt corpulent backside, wipe the crumbs from your shiny nylon trousers, and let me know what is going on. My patience is wearing thin. Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: A word is enough for a wise Sent: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 11:07:46 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, Can this be a joke? Enough of this embarrassment. It is a pity that an intellectual like you does not know how to send money through Western Union, or were you deliberately fooling me about the transfer? Thank you so much for insulting my integrity. It is now clear and evident that actually such a system of transfer does not exist as far as Senegal is concerned. My dear friend, I will advise you to be sincere to yourself. Furthermore, I can understand that either you or your banker is up to some game. I wish to tell you categorically that I am not after your money other than to render legal services to you as required by the law. Any time you are ready, you send the money through the conventional means, or you mind your profession and stop deceiving the young girl. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: I am utterly confused by your email Sent: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 10:21:57 Dear Mr Clovis, I have just read the last email you sent to me, and I have to admit, I am utterly confused by what is going on. If I understand it correctly, you and your secretary have yet again failed to collect the money I transferred to you. This is unbelievable. What on earth is going on over there, Mr Clovis? I have transferred money to you via no less than four internationally recognised systems of money transfer - Western Union, TWATS, FUCWITS and now GIMPS - and yet each time you have completely failed to collect the money. How is this possible? These systems are all so simple that a child could use them to collect money. How is it therefore possible that you have failed at every attempt? And on top of this, you have the audacity, the temerity, to blame me for your shortcomings! Shame on you, Mr Clovis. You should learn to accept your inadequacies like a real man, rather than trying to blame other people for your own incompetence. It seems to me that you are the one who is "up to some game", as you put it. I just wish I knew what you were playing at. Time and time again you have frustrated my attempts to free the delicate Miss Kabba and her unfeasibly large fortune from the confines of the refugee camp. Why? Do you have some other agenda here? I just wish I knew what was going on over there. All this is getting us nowhere, Mr Clovis. I suggest we take a step back, calm ourselves down, and start again. You appear to be the only person who is in a position to help me win Miss Kabba's freedom. Therefore, I need you, Mr Clovis. I cannot do this without you. If you wish to be of service to me, please state, clearly and precisely, exactly how you want me to transfer your fee to you. You tell me which money transfer system you are capable of handling, and I will use it. Alternatively, if you send me details of your own bank account, I will transfer the money directly into that. Please do not send me details of anyone else's bank account, after the debacle we had with that fraudster's account earlier this week. As a United Nations accredited lawyer, you must have a bank account of your own into which I can transfer the money. This has gone on far too long, Mr Clovis. Let us apply ourselves to this business with diligence and move forwards towards a successful conclusion. Miss Kabba is relying on us. I await your response. Best regards, Gilbert Murray PS. I do apologise if you feel that I have insulted your integrity. I have to admit, integrity isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think of you, so I was not aware that I had insulted it. From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: You can send the money by yourself Sent: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 04:37:52 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, With all sincerity of purpose, I want to render legal services to you within the confines of the law here in Senegal. I told you earlier that the system here does not accept all these modern means of transfer which are obtainable in your country. However, if you are sincere that you want to assist the poor girl then go to your bank and withdraw the money and go to a Western Union agent and send the money by yourself today, then confirm the transfer on their website before you leave their office. If the payment cannot be confirmed on their website, this means that no transfer has been made. I cannot use my personal account here to do this business because we are being monitored by the authorities we are accountable to. Unless you want another account from someone, but you know what happened a few days back, so to be on the safe side use Western Union. It is faster and safer here. Once the transfer is confirmed on the Western Union website then forward the informations to me for collection of the money. Anything other than this arrangement is not acceptable to me. Thank you. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: Getting the money to you Sent: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 14:09:31 Dear Mr Clovis, Thank you for your email. I am delighted to hear that you still want to render legal services to me. Without you, there is no way I will be able to get my hands on Miss Kabba and her money. As I see it, the only obstacle to us moving forward here is working out the best way to get your fee to you. You suggest using Western Union again. However, given your feeble performance the last time I transferred the money to you via Western Union, I am somewhat unwilling to use this method again. If you failed to collect the money last time, what is there to say you will manage to pick it up this time? I still think that transferring the money directly into your bank account is the best bet. There is so little that can go wrong with a bank to bank transfer. If only you hadn't given me details of a fraudster's bank account last time, the money would be safely in your hands by now. I must say, I really don't understand why you can't simply provide me with details of your own business bank account. You are a lawyer. That means you are in business. All businesses have bank accounts that are used to pay bills and receive payments. Your business must have a bank account: I hardly think a body as august as the United Nations would accredit you if you ran your business out of a derelict shack in some rat-infested back alley and did all of your business in ready cash. Send me details of your corporate bank account, Mr Clovis, and I will transfer the money into it first thing on Monday morning. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Aminata Kabba Subject: An update on the situation Sent: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 14:21:52 Dear Miss Kabba, How are you, my dear girl? I haven't heard from you in days. Please don't keep your darling papa in the dark for so long, my dear child. I am worried about you. We have still made no progress in getting the money to Mr Clovis. I have tried every way I can think of to get the money to him, but he has failed to collect it every single time for one reason or another. It is beyond me, my dear girl: I really can't understand it at all. However, I have asked Mr Clovis for details of his corporate bank account so that I can transfer the money directly into that. Once he provides me with the details, I am confident that we will be able to move forward with speed and get you and your money out of that horrendous refugee camp. Good news on the Beaker front, by the way. Doctor Anders Medics has been in touch to inform me that he is making good progress in his attempts to clone the old Beaker's DNA. He assures me that I will have another Beaker with me in Hemlock Cottage before too long. That is marvellous news, I am sure you will agree. I only wonder whether you will feel the same way about the new Beaker when he arrives as you did about the old one. Will the flames of passion stir in your womanly loins once more when you see the familiar shock of red hair? We shall see. Do send me an email and let me know how you are, my dear girl. Best regards, Darling Papa From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: New information Sent: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 00:40:47 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I cannot understand why you refused to send this little money via Western Union. You know I am going to use this money immediately I receive it. I cannot release my bank account because your services is beyond officialdom and as such may raise suspicion on my side. If you really want my services, send this money through Western Union and confirm on their web that the transfer has been effected. Or alternatively you can pay to the account informations below: Bank of Taiwan, Cheng Cheng Branch, 47 Ching Tao Road, Taipei, Taiwan Swift: BKTWTWTP045 Account Name: Young Fast Optoelect Account Number: 045007000723 Beneficiary: Legal Partners Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: You want me to transfer the money to Taiwan? Are you serious? Sent: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 13:11:29 Dear Mr Clovis, I have just read the email you sent to me this morning. I am extremely bemused by it, to say the least. You say that you cannot understand why I will not send the money via Western Union. I have already explained this to you, but to make it absolutely clear, I am unwilling to send the money via Western Union for two reasons:
As for you refusing to give me details of your corporate bank account, this simply does not make sense. You said in your email that "your services is beyond officialdom and as such may raise suspicion on my side". Leaving aside the appalling grammar, what in God's name are you on about, man? I am asking you to carry out a number of perfectly legitimate legal services on my behalf, and as such, there is no reason at all why I should not pay you for them directly. Why should a lawyer carrying out legal work for a client and getting paid for it raise suspicion? This does not make any sense. And now you are asking me to transfer money to some stranger's bank account, in Taiwan of all places! What is this latest nonsense? Why should I transfer the money to a complete stranger in Taiwan, for God's sake? You sent me details of some fraudster's bank account in London the other week. How am I to know that this one is legitimate? What planet are you living on, Mr Clovis? Have you received a heavy blow to the head recently? Or perhaps you have been over-indulging in some local gut-rot, distilled from palm leaves and God knows what else? Or perhaps years of over-exposure to the blazing heat of the desert has impaired your already limited mental faculties? You are simply not making any sense, Mr Clovis. Reading your emails is like reading the ravings of a lunatic. I am beginning to think that you are not serious about this entire business, Mr Clovis. I have had more professional business relationships with the beggars in the street than I am having with you. And I have to say, most of them speak a lot more sense than you do, even when they are off their heads on meths and glue. My patience with you is now wearing thinner than the shiny seat of your cheap nylon trousers, Mr Clovis. Wake up and smell the coffee. Act like a man for once and grasp the nettle firmly with both hands (rather than grasping your John Thomas firmly with both hands, which is all you seem to have been doing so far in this whole escapade). The only possible reason for you withholding details of your corporate bank account is that you have have something to hide. No other explanation makes any sense. Either send me the details of your corporate bank account by return, or you can forget about this entire business, and you can wave goodbye to me and my money. Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: The choice is yours Sent: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 07:13:09 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I got your mail with all the abusive words you can remember as at the time you were writing me. The true position is that we are working with guidelines and laid-down rules of which you are not meant to know. If that your money is a bait on a hook I will reject it totally. Sincerely speaking, all your words sounds like that of a gambler to me. Anyway, if you cannot send the money through the two options I gave to you in my last mail then I will suggest you look for another lawyer. I have seen that you are not straightforward in your dealings. I wish you the best of luck with your new lawyer who will be ready to tolerate your unguided statements. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: Taiwan it is then Sent: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 16:14:58 Dear Mr Clovis, I am disturbed to see that you are still refusing to send me details of your corporate bank account. Surely transferring money into this would be the simplest solution for all concerned, rather than transferring money all the way around the world and back, as you are suggesting. Nevertheless, it remains true that my only chance of getting my hands on Miss Kabba and her considerable fortune seems to rest with you. With this in mind, and against my better judgement, I will transfer your fee to the Taiwanese bank account that you specified. At least I can be assured that if there is anything remotely dodgy about this bank account, Mr Fudd's WABITS should pick it up and cancel the transfer before I lose my money. I only hope for your sake that there is nothing remotely dodgy with this new bank account, Mr Clovis. The last account you persuaded me to transfer money to turned out to be being used for fraudulent purposes. If I were to discover anything similar about this new account, that would be a serious blemish on your already tarnished reputation. My bank is closed now. I will go into town and transfer the money tomorrow morning. Things had better go according to plan this time, Mr Clovis. Your professional reputation, such as it is, is now on the line. Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: My bank manager tells me you are probably a fraudster Sent: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 10:30:26 Mr Clovis, I travelled into town this morning, intending to transfer the money to the Taiwanese bank account that you nominated yesterday. However, I was keen to avoid a repetition of the fiasco that ensued when you gave me details of that fraudulent English bank account the other week, so I asked my bank manager if it was possible to check out this new bank account before actually transferring the money. Nat West telephoned Mr Fudd, the WABITS chap, and gave him the details of the Taiwanese account. Mr Fudd ran the details through his computer, and to my amazement, this account also turned out to be flagged as a "potentially dangerous" account in WABITS! Nat West asked Mr Fudd what this meant. To quote Mr Fudd precisely, he told Nat West that the Taiwanese account was "suspected of being used for cwiminal puwposes, specifically advance fee fwaud, and that a West Afwican gang of fwaudsters was cuwwently under investigation for illegal activities welated to the account" (Mr Fudd has a slight speech impediment). Nat West therefore advised me not to transfer money to this account under any circumstances. He asked me for more details of why I was attempting to transfer this money to Senegal, and when he heard what I had to say about you and Miss Kabba, he advised me that in all probability you were an advance fee fraudster, and that Miss Kabba did not actually exist. He told me I was fortunate that you had turned out to be such a pathetically incompetent advance fee fraudster: if you had more than a couple of brain cells to rub together, you would have succeeded in picking up the money I transferred to you on no less than four occasions and I would have lost out financially. He also told me that "David Clovis" was probably not your real name, and that it was almost certain that you were not a lawyer. No lawyer worth his salt would have made such a series of calamitous cock-ups such as the ones you have made over the past few months. He told me that you were more likely to be a stupid, sweaty conman who spends his time in internet cafes trying to con money out of decent, hardworking people like myself. How do you answer Mr West's allegations, Mr Clovis? Is this true? Are you a lawyer, or are you in fact a stupid, sweaty conman? The evidence against you does seem rather conclusive. If this is true, you must be a complete disgrace to your entire family. I look forward to your explanation by return. Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: My bank manager tells me you are probably a fraudster Sent: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 08:40:58 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I have seen your submission about my person. You are entitled to your own opinion. That is a fundamental human right. I owe neither you nor your bank manager any proof to my profession. Senegal is not in the moon, neither is it an island. A visit to Senegal will tell you the true position of things. When the young girl first came to me, I told her that you are not sincere about assisting but she insisted that you are a gentleman. Now you can see that the truth is beginning to unfold. I also told her that you didn't send any money but she couldn't believe me. Did you remember to tell your bank manager that you first contacted me as a United Nations accredited attorney attached to the refugee camp here in Dakar, Senegal? If I am fraudulent I don't think the UN will have anything to do with me. Their allegations are unfounded and cheap blackmail. I cannot continue this business with your manager please. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: I need proof if I am to believe you Sent: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 17:08:58 Mr Clovis, You are still protesting that, despite all evidence to the contrary, you are a United Nations accredited lawyer. I have seen no proof of this whatsoever from you. Only you can prove that you are indeed a lawyer and that you are not a stupid, sweaty conman. You can do this by emailing me a scanned copy of your qualifications, and of your UN accreditation. If you are who you say you are, you will have these documents to hand and this will be a simple task for you. If you are a stupid sweaty conman, you will not have these documents to hand. Sending me these documents is the only way you can prove to me that you are for real. If I do not receive them from you, I will know for certain that you are nothing but a contemptible fraudster who scratches a living by preying on those more fortunate than himself. If you do not send me these documents, there is no way I am prepared to attempt to get the money to you again, because I will know that you are a despicable, pathetic criminal. Get back to me. Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I WILL NOT SEND MY CREDENTIALS JUST LIKE THAT Sent: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 00:45:22 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, I will not send you my credentials unless I see the seriousness in you to engage my services as a lawyer. On the other hand you can send your stupid bank manager to come and do the verifications for you. If I should be frank to you, money is not my problem. My salary here is enough for me to take care of my family. If you are not convinced to deal with me, please forget about me forever, but if you are sincere that you want my services then comply with my directives on how to send the money. I hate dealing with gamblers. My impression about your bank manager suggests something close to a gambler. I know that a lot of crimes are going on in the world today but that does not justify the allegation that an accredited attorney of the United Nation is a fraudster. If I should take this matter up do you think the body will allow him to go free just like that? Finally Mr Murray, I am not convinced that you know exactly what you want or else you will not allow your bank to decide what you do. All in the name of protecting your interest. Tell yourself the truth. Yours in service, David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: The real reason you are not willing to send me your credentials Sent: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 09:41:42 Mr Clovis, The real reason you are not willing to send me your credentials is perfectly obvious. It is because you do not have any. You are one of the least convincing lawyers I have ever come across. A dead baboon in a wig would make a more convincing lawyer than you do. However, I have to say that your gullibility and lack of intelligence have proved to be extremely diverting over the past few months. In particular, your frequent fruitless attempts to collect money have been very entertaining. I only wish I could have been there to see you get turned away time after time with your tail between your legs. How embarrassing that must have been for you. As you are no longer willing to put yourself through further embarrassment, I have decided to stop toying with you. I have now passed all of your details onto the authorities, and I am confident that before too long you will be seeing the world in a completely different way: from behind the bars of a crowded and vermin-infested prison cell. Farewell, "Mr Clovis". It has been extremely amusing doing business with you. Gilbert Murray From: David Clovis To: Gilbert Murray Subject: A fool at 40 is a fool forever Sent: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 03:00:26 -0800 (PST) Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, One adage says that who you can fool is wiser than you. Just look at yourself. I am so sorry for your stupidity. Anyway your conscience will definitely judge you. You can deceive, a liar and an ungrateful element I have ever come across in my lifetime. Shame unto you and your family. David Clovis From: Gilbert Murray To: David Clovis Subject: You have proved yourself to be the fool Sent: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 09:32:53 "Mr Clovis", You have proved yourself to be the fool in this affair. I am not the one who has wasted my time going from bank to bank attempting to cash a succession of exceedingly dubious-looking payment slips, no doubt to the intense amusement of the bank cashiers. Thank you for your little lecture on morality. It did smack somewhat of the pot calling the kettle black. Have you ever considered going out and getting a proper job? One that does not involve scamming innocent people out of their life's savings? If you are lucky, perhaps the jail you end up in will run education classes to enable to you learn a proper, decent honest trade. On the other hand, perhaps they will simply lock you up for twenty-four hours a day in a stinking, overcrowded cell where you will be forced to spend your time being the sexual plaything of a large and violent man called Bubba. Goodbye, "Mr Clovis". Who knows? We may meet again in one of my other guises... Gilbert Murray Copyright 2003-2024 www.gilbertmurray.co.uk. All rights reserved. Copyright notice |
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