No doubt you'll be pleased to hear that I've transferred the money to this Ibeh chappie. Went into town first thing this morning, got to the bank as soon as it opened, withdrew the money from my bank account (it works out at 1,485.10 in proper English money) and went straight to the Western Union johnnies.

Now then. That's where I hit a bit of a problem. Turns out there's a limit to the amount of money you can send from England to Nigeria by Western Union. It's to prevent fraud, or so they said. Damn inconvenient if you ask me. So anyway, I found that I couldn't transfer all that damn money to Ibeh by Western Union after all.

Well, I went straight back to my bank and explained the situation. My bank manager, Nat West, is a damn fine fella, and he recommended that I use a MoneyGram service - the Transglobal Worldwide Automated Transfer System - to get the money to Ibeh. There's no limit to the amount you can transfer with this service, do you see?

So, I transferred the money to Ibeh using this service. Apparently it's damn similar to Western Union. Ibeh can pick up the money instantly at any MoneyGram agent. All he has to do is present a copy of the transfer slip (I've attached a copy to this email) and answer a test question and answer. I've used the question and answer you suggested before. Might be worth him taking along some damn ID just in case, but Nat West told me that wasn't strictly necessary.

So, Ding, get back to me as soon as this Ibeh fella's picked up the money. Trust you can get to work on this properly now.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: I've transferred the money to the damn lawyer

Sent: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 10:26:33

Dear lady,

Thanks for your email. Lovely to hear from you and all that. No need to worry your pretty little head about the lawyer; I transferred the money to him first thing this morning. So, that's good news.

Thanks for taking little Ahmed to task over those damn capital letters. Best to stamp out these things before they become a serious problem. Nip 'em in the old bud, eh, do you see?

Little Ahmed's probably told you that I spent all of yesterday cleaning out the damn caravan for you. Got it as clean as it's ever going to be. You should be quite comfortable in there. Did little Ahmed tell you about the new sheets I've bought for the bed? Bet you're looking forward to trying those out, eh? Tested the bed myself yesterday. It's still a bit damp from having the dogs sleeping on it, but it'll dry out, and the important thing is that it's got damn good springs. Looking forward to putting those to the test.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: DETAIL SENT A SECOND TIME

Sent: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 05:13:28 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

I checked my mailbox and found that you were still asking for the detail which was sent earlier.

Well for clarity's sake I am sending the detail for the Western Union money transfer:

Name: Douglas Ibeh

City: Lagos

Country: Nigeria

Test question: Colour?

Answer: Green

Endeavour to send me the payment control number soon after the transfer is made, sir.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Get with the bloody programme, Ding

Sent: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 13:32:34

Ding,

Get with the bloody programme, man. I made the payment to Ibeh this morning and sent you details of it.

Get up to date with your damn emails for God's sake, and let me know when you've got your hands on my money.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I've transferred the money to the damn lawyer

Sent: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 06:05:00 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

I am glad to hear that you have sent the needed money to the lawyer (Dieng). I would want you to send me the information in which you sent the money with so that I will go to his law office personally and give it to him so that he will hasten up with the documentation.

Regards,

Mimi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: Ding has all the details

Sent: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 14:37:02

Dear lady,

Thank you for your email. I have to say, I'm not very impressed with Ding's performance so far. I sent the man an email as soon as I'd transferred the damn money to him giving all the details he needed to pick it up, and then he responds to an email I sent to him days ago and sends me this Ibeh chappie's details again. I'm waiting to hear back from the man to say that the money I transferred is safely in his hands.

Tell me, my dear, do you know if this man Ding likes his drink? He seems a bit confused if you ask me. Not quite on top of what's going on, if you see what I mean. Needs a sharp kick in the seat of the pants in my opinion. That'd sort him out.

Anyway, do what you can to hurry the fella along. Getting tired of all these damn delays. There's a trip to Spain to organise now that Ding's got his money. Can't say I'm looking forward to it much, but I shall grin and bear it.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. The wife asked me this morning why I was spending so much time cleaning out the damn caravan. Don't worry, I didn't say a word about our little arrangement. Spun her some tale about wanting to rent it out to tourists in the summer, and she seemed to believe me, so that's alright then. There are some things a wife shouldn't know. Sure you'd agree.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Has this fella Ibeh collected the damn money yet?

Sent: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 16:34:27

Ding,

What the hell is going on at your end, man? Has this fella Ibeh collected the damn money yet? Have you started work on my behalf yet?

Don't keep me in the dark, for God's sake. Keep me up to date with what's going on. I've still got that damn trip to Spain to organise, so I need to know what's happening.

Get back to me pronto, there's a good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Mrs Wada Nas mentioned she was going to pop in to see you this afternoon to try and get you to get a move on. Do give her my regards, won't you Ding?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: Have you any idea what the hell Ding is up to?

Sent: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 10:38:28

Dear lady,

Have you any idea what the hell Ding is up to? I transferred the money to him yesterday and I haven't heard a word back from him since. Starting to get a bit concerned to tell you the truth.

Do you know if Ding's collected my money yet or not? Is there anything you can do to hurry him along, my dear?

Get back to me as soon as you can and let me know what the hell is going on. I'm getting sick and tired of Ding's delays.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Will confirm the status of your transfer ASAP

Sent: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 04:06:56 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am in receipt of the payment receipt you sent. I only saw it a few minutes ago when I returned from a court session.

I have handed it over to Mr Ibeh to make confirmation of the status of the transfer. I shall get back to you soon as he returns from the confirmation.

I have put all machinery to work in anticipation that the fund will be released to him today and that we can fix everything at the court tomorrow and see if it is possible for you to travel to Spain early next week.

I shall get back to you later today.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry about not getting back to you yesterday

Sent: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 04:13:58 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

After checking for your confirmation of the payment yesterday and there was no such message I never bothered to check again till this afternoon after the court session. Guess I checked too early yesterday.

I have started work and do solemnly promise to have it concluded by Monday unfailingly because you have made the fund available.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Glad to hear everything's on track

Sent: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 12:21:37

Ding,

Thanks for the email. Glad to hear everything's on track. Wondered why I hadn't heard from you yesterday. Was getting a bit worried to be perfectly honest. That's a lot of money I transferred to you and I don't like the idea of it floating around in the damn system for too long. I'll be much happier in myself when I hear that this Ibeh chappie has picked it up and it's safely in your hands.

Look forward to hearing back from you later.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Any news?

Sent: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 09:35:22

Ding,

Any news, Ding? Has Ibeh collected the money yet? You said you'd get back to me yesterday but I've heard nothing from you. That's not good enough, do you hear? You must keep me informed, man.

Get back to me immediately and let me know what's going on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Any news?

Sent: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 03:59:15 -0800

Sir,

I am sorry for this unusual late response to your mail. I have to sound as brief as possible, because I must return to the hospital where Mr Ibeh is under intensive care. He had a ghastly auto crash with his driver while going to collect the money from the MoneyGram payment outlet, which is quite some distance from the law office.

When he was recovered from the accident scene he lost everything including his international passport and official working identification card, while the driver died on the spot.

Today he is going into the theatre for an operation as he broke his ribs, and I will be foolish to think that he will be getting out soon to collect the money, not with the time limit we are working with. Well, life is full of such disappointments. We must carry on with our duties.

For this reason, I am suggesting that you have the money called back, and have it sent by the Western Union money transfer system. That is better, and if you had used it, this issue of accident would have been completely avoided.

For the transfer, use the following names. They are junior lawyers in my law office and have identifications that will be acceptable. Endeavour to transfer today after withdrawing the money from MoneyGram.

Mr Collins Emme
Mr Samuel Obaje

Use the postage information used previously. Split the money into equal parts so that Western Union money transfer will not refuse for exceeding the limit acceptable like you said.

You know Mr Ibeh cannot in his present state do anything about the money collection, as we are not sure of when he is getting out from hospital. Moreoever, the issue of misplaced identification tools becomes another problem. He has to reapply for another international passport with proof that he misplaced the former and this will certainly take weeks if not months to sort out.

Sir, please do this today and we can get through with the documentation process and have you travel to Spain at the latest Tuesday next week for the conclusion of the transaction.

Accept our sincere apology for inconveniences that this development may cause you.

Waiting for your urgent response.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Situation update please!

Sent: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 04:05:32 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

How are you doing today? What is going on? My mother refused to disclose to me the position of things. She seems not to be happy with the delays.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Ding's bloody henchmen have fouled things up

Sent: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 14:09:33

Wada Nas,

Ding's just got in touch with me with some damn irritating news. Apparently his bloody henchmen have fouled things up.

I transferred the money to a fella called Ibeh on Wednesday. For some unknown reason Ibeh has waited until today to try and pick up the money from the MoneyGram agent. And according to Ding, him and his driver were stupid enough to crash their damn car on the way to the MoneyGram agent! Can you believe it?

Apparently the driver's dead and this Ibeh chappie will be laid up in hospital for a while, so Ding's asked me to recall the money transfer I made on Wednesday and make a new damn transfer to some other johnnies.

This is all damn inconvenient and I won't be able to do anything about it now until Monday. I'm just about to get back to Ding and tell him as much.

You say your mother's unhappy about these damn delays. Well that's nothing compared to how I feel, little man. Every day Ding delays this damn business delays the day when your mother and I get together. And I don't mind telling you, I'm getting damn horny at the thought of that. Delays are the last thing I want.

Bloody lawyers.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: What kind of incompetent goons do you employ?

Sent: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 14:28:31

Ding,

I have just read the astonishing email you sent me earlier today. I can barely believe what has happened. What kind of incompetent goons do you employ? If this Ibeh chappie and his so-called "driver" haven't got enough sense to drive a bloody car without crashing the damn thing, how the hell do you expect them to be able to do anything else with any degree of competency?

This is just unbelievable. The driver's dead, you say? Well, that'll teach him to go driving his bloody car like a damn fool. He won't be doing that again in a hurry. What was the man doing? Was he too busy playing with himself to watch the road? Did he swerve to avoid an oncoming goat and crash headlong into a tree? This pair of fumbling fools have managed to delay our damn transaction. You can tell Ibeh when you see him at the hospital that I'm far from happy with him, do you hear?

And while we're on the subject of this bloody car crash, how dare you have the audacity to blame me for it? None of this has been my damn fault. Ibeh and his bloody driver were just as likely to drive their car like a pair of loons regardless of which method I used to transfer the money to them. If this is anyone's fault, it's yours, for placing such an important task into the hands of Nigeria's own version of Laurel and bloody Hardy.

Now then. You want me to cancel the transfer I made on Wednesday and make a new transfer to these other chappies, Emmet and Obadge, do you? What a damn waste of my valuable time this is turning out to be.

I will do as you ask, but I won't be able to do a damn thing until Monday morning at the earliest; I'm taking Mrs Murray away for the weekend. Going to be visiting her sister. Damn nuisance, if you ask me, but it pays to keep the women - or the men, in your case - sweet, does it not?

Let's just hope that these fellas Emma and Obodge have a bit more about them than Ibeh and his useless driver.

Good God, man, I thought this damn transaction would have been over by now, but it's been nothing but one delay after another. I'm expecting a better performance from you next week. No more cock-ups, do you hear?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: My mother

Sent: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 08:18:32 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

My mother just informed me of the same incident. She said Dieng called her with the bad news. She is so much upset and worried on the whole situation and therefore asked me to plead with you to reconsider your decision for her sake. Although it has never been your fault right from the start but Dieng's, she said you should please try and resend the money again tomorrow (Saturday).

She also said she is aware of the inconvenience, but you should please think of the damages the delay will cause to the transaction. She said you should please and please resend the money again tomorrow so that the documents can be made available by Dieng and his associates earliest next week. She is so anxious of leaving this country for good. So am I.

Sir, I am asking you to please grant my mother's request and I bet you, she will greatly appreciate it.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Sorry, no can do till Monday

Sent: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 16:44:02

Wada Nas,

Sorry, little fella, no can do till Monday. I appreciate how your mother's feeling about these damn delays - no doubt she's as keen to meet me in the flesh as I am to meet her - but I can't do a thing now till Monday morning.

Taking the wife away for the weekend to visit her sister. As she doesn't know a damn thing about this transaction, my hands are tied, do you see? If I were to spend time this weekend transferring money here and there to chaps with funny names, the wife would start asking questions, and I don't want to spill the beans about this whole shebang because then I might let the cat out of the bag about me and your mother. And that wouldn't do at all now, would it? The less people know about our little arrangement, the better. Too many cooks spoil the damn broth, do you see? Especially when one of them's the wife.

Ding will just have to wait until Monday for his money. Tell your mother I'm sorry. Sure she'll understand.

I just hope the new fellas Ding's asked me to send the money to have more than a single brain cell between them. Hopefully these clowns won't foul things up by crashing a damn car like a pair of bloody idiots.

I presume that'll be the last time Ding entrusts a responsible task to that damn fool Ibeh. Heard some chaps down the local pub the other night talking about "posting negative feedback on Ibeh" or something like that. God only knows how the hell they know of the fella, but they obviously knew how useless he was by the sound of things.

Well, you and your mother have a good weekend, Wada Nas. Look after the old girl for me, won't you, my lad?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry for the inconveniences!

Sent: Sat, 05 Mar 2005 07:27:08 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

It is not my intention to blame you for the auto crash, but the prevailing circumstances got me confused with so much medical bills to pay. I had to arrange for the funeral of the late driver too.

Mr Ibeh happens to be one of the best around here in my law office. Hence I have always entrusted him with responsibilities of this nature. Apart from being level-headed, he made a first class in law. So you can see why he has remained my favourite junior.

I guess the problem must have been the driver, who I was made to understand has poor reflexes or else he would have avoided this damn accident as I was briefed by those who witnessed the scene. I am sincerely sorry for the inconveniences and delay these unforeseen contingencies must have caused you and the transaction.

Sir, I noticed in your recent mail that you spelt the alternative names sent wrongly. I am stating the names once again for the avoidance of any error. The names are as follows:

MR COLLINS EMME
MR SAMUEL OBAJE

I appreciate your willingness to effect the changes, adopting the above names. How was your outing with Mrs Murray? Hope you had a nice outing visiting her sister?

I shall be expecting confirmation of the transfer early on Monday morning.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry for the inconveniences!

Sent: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 02:08:17 -0800

Mr Murray,

I am sending this message today. And wishing you will effect the change/transfer early enough to enable me to meet up with the court officials before close of work today, Monday 7th March 2005.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: I've made two more damn transfers

Sent: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 10:38:09

Ding,

Trust you had a pleasant weekend. Mine was merely acceptable. Bit dull to tell the truth. Mostly spent sitting quietly in the corner, reading the paper and smoking the old pipe while Mrs Murray and her sister nattered on about womens' things. Glad to be back home in Gypping in the Marsh to be honest.

Got the email you sent me this weekend. Ibeh was a top class fella, you say? Let down by a dodgy driver with reflexes worse than a dead and decomposing dog, was he? I must say, I've had some bad taxi drivers in my time, but none of them have ever managed to kill themselves at the bloody wheel. Do you not have damn driving tests over there?

Now then, back to business. I made my way into town this morning and cancelled that transfer I made to Ibeh last week. Went straight to the old Western Union agent and arranged for the money to be transferred to these two new chappies. Wrote their names on the back of the old hand so I'd be sure of spelling them right. Slight problem: I mentioned the other week about the transfer limit of 500 that the Western Union johnnies have imposed to prevent fraud. Damn nuisance if you ask me. Well, I transferred 500 to Emmet and 500 to Obodge. That's the most I could transfer in a day. The Western Union agent told me if I came back tomorrow I could transfer the rest of the damn money to them, so that's exactly what I'll do.

I've attached copies of the receipts to this email. Used the test question and answer you suggested. Seemed to make sense.

Hope the damn transfers go through OK. The Western Union agent seemed to be having a spot of difficulty with his damn computer. Took quite a while for the transfers to go through. Told me they were replacing a lot of their damn "network routing equipment", whatever that means. All Greek to me.

Anyway, be a good man and send Emma and Obadge to pick up the money as soon as you can. Get back to me when it's safe in their hands. And tell them to watch themselves on the damn road while they're at it. One damn corpse in this business is bad enough. We don't want another two stiffs on our damn hands now, do we?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

(Click to enlarge)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Got your mail and will let you know soon as the fund is collected

Sent: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 05:27:34 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your transfer.

I have handed the transfer slips to the concerned lawyers who about now have gone to collect the fund. I will be letting you know as soon as they are back.

Please endeavour to send the remaining part very early tomorrow so as to make it easy for me to keep the appointment with the respective approving ministries.

I will confirm to you the status of the transaction with the Western Union money transfer system later in the day.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Good show, Ding

Sent: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 14:05:22

Ding,

So, Emmet and Obodge have scurried off to pick up the money, have they? Good show. I feel like we're making some damn progress at long last. Let's hope they have better road sense than that fella Ibeh's damn driver did.

Let me know as soon as the money is in their hands, and I'll transfer the rest of it in the morning.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Why the damn delay in getting back to me?

Sent: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 17:28:08

Ding,

Why the damn delay in getting back to me? What's happened with Emma and Obhaji? Are they not back from the Western Union agent yet?

How long does it take to collect a bit of damn money? I'm waiting to hear that today's transfers went through OK so that I know to transfer the rest of the damn money tomorrow.

Are you sure these two stooges know what they're doing? Have they picked up my money yet? Or have they spent the entire afternoon sitting in a local tap house eyeing up women and drinking the local moonshine until they're incapable of collecting their damn thoughts, never mind collecting my damn money?

Get back to me immediately and let me know what the hell is going on, Ding.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CALL THE AGENCY AND FIND OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING

Sent: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 00:17:38 -0800

Gilbert,

Emme and Obaje was at the Western Union money transfer system here in Nigeria four times yesterday and three times this morning, and they were told by the agency that the fund has not yet reflected in their computing system. However, Emme told me that the gentleman they met in the Western Union office here advised that you call the agency over there in the UK to know why they have not released the fund to reflect for collection. Please kindly talk to the agency so that they can have the transfer released from their system for collection.

The agency here further furnished us with the details of the agency where you made the transfer from as below:

Agent location details: Going Places, 1 Lancaster Gate, St Nicholas Arcades, Lancaster, Lancashire, LA1 1NB, UK

Tel: +44 (0)152 4383644

Hours:

Monday: 9:00am - 5:30pm

Tuesday: 9:00am - 5:30pm

Wednesday: 9:00am - 5:30pm

Thursday: 9:00am - 5:30pm

Friday: 9:00am - 5:30pm

Saturday: 9:00am - 5:30pm

Sunday: Closed

You can as well see the time frame, and nothing has worked out so far. Can you please try to tell the agency there to release the fund?

Waiting for your prompt response.

Your friend,

Dieng

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: What, more damn delays?

Sent: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 08:52:33

Ding,

Just read your email. I am not a happy man. Are you sure these clowns Emma and Obodge know what the hell they're doing? How difficult can it possibly be to collect some damn money from a Western Union agent? Mind you, at least these two goons didn't die in the attempt, unlike the last man you put on the job. That's something, I suppose.

Never mind, Ding. I'm going to head off straight into town to find out what the damn problem is. I'll get back to you as soon as I find out what's going on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What, more damn delays?

Sent: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 01:04:44 -0800

Kindly tell the agent to transfer the fund to the name and he should know that the country is Nigeria while the city is Lagos.

From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: How are you Gilbert?

Sent: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 02:07:56 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

Sorry for not having written you for while. It was due to constant power failures here. I spoke to Dieng yesterday over the phone and he said the money you sent has not yet reflected for collection. He said they were asked to check back today to see if it has reflected so that they can collect it.

I am hoping that this can be sorted out soonest in order to get the transaction completed as early as possible. To be frank with you Gilbert, I am getting tired of this environment and do hope to wave goodbye to it soonest.

Lots of love,

Mimi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 11:39:37

Ding,

Good news. Problem solved. I went straight back to the Western Union agent this morning to find out what the problem was with the damn transfers I made yesterday. It took a bit of doing, but everything's sorted out now, so Emmet and Obadge will definitely be able to collect the money I transferred to them.

As soon as I got to the Western Union office I demanded to see the manager. Pays to go straight to the top at times like this, do you see? I explained to the manager chappie exactly what had happened. He looked into the problem and found out that it had been caused by some damn work that Western Union are carrying out at the moment on their computer network in the UK. So it wasn't Emmer and Obag's fault after all.

Johnny Manager telephoned Western Union's UK head office and found out that these problems are ongoing, and will be for a couple of weeks. Been a lot of cases like this over the past ten days or so, he told me. Damn shoddy if you ask me, Ding.

Anyway, the transfers I made are definitely in the system - the manager showed it to me on his computer - but they're not showing up on your own agent's computer system, or on the Western Union website by all accounts, because of the work they're carrying out on their damn network.

However Ding, you'll be glad to hear that this isn't a problem. The manager told me exactly what your agent needs to do in order to access the damn money. In fact, he was bloody surprised that your agent hasn't done this already: apparently it's standard procedure. Anyway, what your agent needs to do is to initiate procedure WU-573 on their computer system, entering the money transfer control numbers of the transfers. This procedure will apparently give the agent access to all transfers that have got "stuck" in the system and will mean that Emmet and Obag will be able to pick up the damn money today.

Well Ding, this is good news. Just get your two henchmen to ask the Western Union agent to initiate procedure WU-573 and they will have my money in their hands straight away.

Get back to me as soon as they've collected the money from the Western Union agent, there's a good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: The problem should be sorted out now

Sent: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 11:41:59

Dear lady,

Thank you for your email. Damn good to hear from you. Power failures, eh? Hope they've not been too awkward for you. I know what the wife gets like when the power goes down around here. Gets in a right state if she can't use her damn hair dryer. Expect you're the same.

It's been a bit of a trying week at this end. First of all Ding's lackey goes and gets himself killed in a bloody car crash, and now the two other goons he's put on the job, Emma and Obang, are proving themselves spectacularly useless when it comes to picking up money from the damn Western Union agent.

If you ask me, Ding's not exactly putting his best men on this job. Between you and me, dear lady, I've seen clowns in a circus who display more competence than Ding's mob do. But not to worry, my dear. I've spoken to the Western Union johnnies this morning and they've told me exactly what Ding's henchmen have to do to get their hands on my money. I've sent the information off to Ding, so I'm expecting the money to be in his hands before the end of the day.

So, that's good news, isn't it? With any luck we'll have you out of your current situation and installed in my damn caravan in no time at all. I'm not surprised you're getting sick of your current environment, what with the prospect of living in the caravan lying ahead of you.

I'll let you know as soon as Ding has his hands on the money, then maybe we can start making arrangements for you and your little boy to travel over here.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Have Emmet and Obodge collected the damn money yet?

Sent: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 16:56:01

Ding,

What's going on, man? Have Emmet and Obodge collected the damn money from the Western Union agent yet?

I told you exactly what they needed to do to gain access to the money - that WU-573 malarky - so there shouldn't have been a problem.

What's taking them so long? They've not buggered off down the pub again, have they? I'd have a word with 'em Ding, if I were you. Tell 'em both it's no good sitting on their fat backsides drinking themselves into oblivion when there's work to be done.

Don't agree with drinking on the job at all. Had a chappie in my squadron once back in the eighties who had a bit of a drink problem. Shitfaced Simmonds we used to call him. Decent sort of chap, but he came a cropper in the end. Flying a Harrier back during the Falklands war, he was. Story goes he was up in the air, pissed as a fart. Shot the hell out of a flock of penguins on the ground thinking they were Argies, then topped that off by flying back to the wrong damn ship. Tried to land on the deck of an Argy destroyer thinking it was the bloody Ark Royal. Well, the damn Argies were having none of that and they blew him out of the air with a damn exocet. Waste of a good plane if you ask me. So think on.

Anyway, get back to me pronto with an update on the current situation. Is everything OK for me to transfer the rest of the money to Emma and Obje tomorrow morning? Let me know.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Have you any idea what Ding's up to?

Sent: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 10:09:21

Dear lady,

I've not heard a word from Ding since yesterday morning, when he told me that his goons were having trouble getting their hands on the damn money I transferred to them. I sorted out the problem with the Western Union johnnies, but I've not heard a damn thing from Ding since, so I don't know if his cronies have collected the money or not.

Have you any idea what Ding's up to? I need to know what's going on so I know whether it's OK for me to send him the rest of the damn money.

See if you can find out what's going on my dear, and get back to me. I'm getting sick of these damn delays. If you ask me, Ding and his men are turning out to be as much use as a chocolate control tower.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON

Sent: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 07:26:33 -0800

Dear Gilbert,

I really do not understand what is going on with the transfer. Emme and Obaji have been receiving transfers from our clients around the world and for no reason should Western Union last more than 24 hours. You see the Western Union transfer system is the fastest transfer in the world, so I wonder what is actually wrong with yours.

So try to know what is the problem, because as yet, the transfer has not reflected into the computing system. Try to know what is the problem.

Have a great day. Waiting for your response.

Yours sincerely,

Barrister Abdulkarime Dieng

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Do you mean to say you still haven't collected my damn money?

Sent: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 15:43:52

Ding,

Do you mean to say you still haven't collected my damn money? What the bloody hell have Emma and Obag been playing at for all this time? I sorted out everything with the Western Union johnnies yesterday bloody morning.

What exactly is going on over there? Did Emma and Obag ask their Western Union agent to initiate procedure WU-573 like I told you? They can't have done, otherwise the damn money would have been safely in your hands by now.

What kind of farcical outfit are you running over there, Ding? First of all one of your henchmen gets himself seriously injured and another one gets himself killed trying to access my money, and now these two clowns Emmet and Obhaji seem to be completely incapable of following the simplest of instructions.

This is what happens when you send boys to do a man's job, Ding, you mark my words. If I were you, I'd take a long hard look at the quality of the staff you employ. Going on their performance over the past couple of weeks, I wouldn't trust 'em to clean my damn toilet without constant supervision.

I am growing sick and tired of these damn delays, Ding. I am not a patient man at the best of times, and this damn nonsense is trying my patience to the limit.

There must be some easier way for me to get this damn money to you. Seeing as your goons seem incapable of using Western Union, I suggest we put our heads together and think of an alternative.

I know, Ding. How about I transfer the money straight into your bank account? That'll be quick, cheap and easy, and best of all those trained chimps you employ won't be able to foul things up for us.

What do you reckon? I reckon this is our best bet. Send me your bank account details and I'll cancel the Western Union transfers tomorrow and transfer the money straight into your damn account.

Get back to me as soon as you can, there's a good chap. And give those imbeciles Emma and Obodge a kick in the pants from me for being so damn useless.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Oyez!

Sent: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 10:56:14 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

The talk about system WU-573 seems strange to the agents out here. I am suggesting that you collect the fund and find another Western Union office to send the fund.

I am surprised that all attempts by the agents to track the fund on the internet failed. They consequently advised that you do exactly what I have suggested. Mind you sir, the fault this time around is not in my men but your system in the UK, and worst of all, the entire agent that you used.

It is unheard of that Western Union computers are spoilt for days and that funds transferred cannot be accessed. My men have been made to look stupid over here. At a point I had to go to the Western Union agent with them despite my busy schedule. This does not help matters either.

Sir, it is only with your assistance that this standstill can be eliminated. I am counting on your understanding as usual to have this deadlock resolved. Tomorrow is Thursday and I had worked things out perfectly to allow you to be in Spain by Thursday. Oh, what a disappointment this whole standstill has generated!

Please act fast and get back to me. I wish I had a domiciliary account that could be used for the transaction.

Waiting for your immediate response.

Regards,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: So it's up to me to sort out this mess, is it?

Sent: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 10:14:33

Ding,

So, it's up to me to sort out this mess, is it? I have to say, it sounds to me like the Western Union johnnies at your end don't know what the hell they're doing. I was told this WU-573 procedure was standard across the whole damn network. Perhaps they're new to the job, or they haven't been properly trained or something.

You say your men have been made to look stupid, eh? Well, stupid is as stupid does, as they say. Must have been bloody irritating for you, having Emma and Obag messing things up time after time. Almost as irritating as it's been for me.

Never mind. I'm determined to get this damn thing sorted out, so I'm about to travel into town and see what I can do. I'll do as you say: cancel the two damn transfers I made the other day and make two new transfers at another bloody agent. I suggest you get Emmet and Obodge to try collecting the money from a different agent too. Perhaps they'll be able to find one who knows their arse from their elbow.

I'll get back to you later today when I've made the new transfers. Damn irritating, all this kerfuffle. Never seen incompetence like it in all my life. I've never had any problems like this with the eminent Welsby. You could do with taking a leaf out of his book, Ding, do you hear?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Two more damn transfers made

Sent: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 11:46:23

Ding,

Well, that's two more damn transfers made to Emmet and Obhaji at a different Western Union agent. Let's hope your men have enough wits about them to actually collect the damn money this time, rather than just sitting around scratching their sweaty backsides, which is all they seem to have been doing so far if you ask me.

I've attached copies of the receipts to this email. Used a different test question and answer for each transfer this time. You never know, it might make a difference.

Emma's test question: Sit on what?

Answer: Arse

Obodge's test question: Bendy bit of arm?

Answer: Elbow

Now then. Send your men straight down to the Western Union agent and let's get this business sorted once and for all, Ding. Let's get this damn show on the road. Start as you mean to go on and all that.

And let's have no more cock-ups, do you hear me? You and your men are wasting my valuable time with your damn fannying around. Get back to me as soon as the money is in your hands.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: What in God's name is going on over there?

Sent: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 15:38:55

Ding,

What in God's name is going on over there? It's now almost four hours since I sent you details of the Western Union transfers I made today, yet I haven't heard a thing back from you.

Have Emma and Obodge collected my damn money yet? If not, why not? Time is moving on, Ding. If we don't make some progress with this transaction in the near future, poor old Mrs Wada Nas will be six feet under and pushing up the damn daisies before we have a chance to consummate our relationship.

My patience is nearly exhausted. Good God, man, empires have been formed in less time than it's taken this pair of lamebrained laggards to pick up some damn money from a Western Union agent.

Send me an update immediately, God damn it. I must know what is going on over there, do you hear?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng; Cc: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: Why don't I transfer the money directly into your bank account?

Sent: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 09:52:21

Ding,

What the bloody hell are you playing at over there, Ding? Have you picked up the bloody money or not?

I am getting sick and tired of these constant delays you and your goons keep introducing into this damn transaction. Mrs Wada Nas and the little boy are depending on us, so let's see some bloody action out of you for once, God damn it.

If Emmet and Obodge are still fannying around and failing to pick up my damn money for some reason, let's take action immediately and take this pair of bone-headed bunglers out of the equation. I'd sack 'em if I were you, Ding, and tell 'em to find a job more appropriate to their obviously limited capacities. There are plenty of goats out there that are positively crying out for a damn herder. Emma and Obag might be better suited to that sort of thing.

Once we've got these gallumping goatboys out of the way, let's put our heads together and work out a better way to get the money to you. I suggested the other day that I pay the damn money straight into your bank account. You're a lawyer, Ding. You must have an account I can transfer money into. Transferring the money to you this way has got to be better than faffing around with Western Bloody Union: the money will get straight to you without any messing about at all.

Send me the details of your bank account and I'll transfer the damn money into it today.

This is not child's play, Ding; this is serious business we're trying to conduct here. I suggest you put down your bucket and spade, get out of the bloody sandpit and take action to resolve this damn business immediately.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Barrister Johnson Bright

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Withdraw the cash from Western Union and proceed to Spain immediately!

Sent: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 06:35:32 -0800

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

I am surprised at all your stressful Western Union money transfers (untraceable and impossible transfers). Meanwhile, understand that after you transfer the fund to our law firm, it is going to take our fiduciary agent seven to eight banking days before confirmation. As you may be aware, no bank here in Africa has direct access to receive international transfers without passing through a correspondent bank overseas.

However, I suggest that you make arrangements to fly down to Spain for the retrieval of the consignment from the security company in Spain. As a matter of fact, our law firm representatives in Spain will receive the processing charges in cash from you and simultaneously hand over the documents to you for the consummation of the transaction.

To cap it all, if the above procedure is acceptable to you, I suggest that you let me know instantly, so that I will furnish you with further details on how you can get in touch with the officials of the securities company in Spain upon your arrival to your hotel room.

Have a great day.

Waiting for your immediate response.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: This sounds like a plan

Sent: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 15:04:03

Ding,

Thank you for your email. I wondered if I was ever going to hear from you again after such a long silence. Worried you might have had a damn car crash or something, like that bloody idiot you used to employ who kicked the bucket the other week. Anyway, glad to hear you're alive and well.

Not so glad to hear that Emmet and Obag still haven't managed to collect the money I transferred to them. Damn fools. Do you know how much time I've wasted, going backwards and forwards to and from the bloody Western Union agents to try and sort this out? I am not happy with them. You can tell 'em that from me, Ding, do you hear?

Don't know what the hell you mean by "untraceable and impossible transfers" either, Ding. The Western Union agents over here didn't seem to have any problems with the damn transfers. I blame Emma and Obhaji. Or maybe the Western Union agents over in your neck of the woods haven't been trained properly.

I also don't know what the hell you're on about when you say that I can't transfer money into your damn bank account. What's the use of having a damn bank account if you can't pay bloody money into it, eh?

Anyway, I like the idea of me travelling to Spain and getting this affair sorted out once and for all. Should be no scope for cock-ups if I can hand over your fees in cash to some johnny from the security company. So, Ding, tell me more. Where do I need to go in Spain? It's a damn big place, you know. Send me more information and I'll look into flights over the weekend.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. These new Western Union transfers I made the other day. Exactly how hard did Emmer and Obodge try to get their hands on the money? Are you sure I should cancel them? I'd bet that if your two goatboy goons put a little effort into it, they'd still be able to access the money through Western Union. Let me know.

PPS. Your last email appeared to come from the email account of some chappie called "Barrister Johnson Bright". Who the hell is this? I must say, it's the first time I've come across anyone in the least bit bright since this whole damn business began.

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: What is going on?

Sent: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:21:36 -0800 (PST)

DEAR SIR,

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? I AM COMPLETELY KEPT IN THE DARK IN THIS TRANSACTION. WHAT IS GOING ON SIR? I HAVE WRITTEN MY MOTHER BUT SHE REFUSED TO RESPOND TO MY QUESTIONS ON THE SITUATION OF OUR FUND TRANSACTION. HAVE YOU GONE TO SPAIN AS YOU EARLIER TOLD ME? I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON.

ANYWAY, I AM DOING WELL IN SCHOOL. MY PERFORMANCE IN OUR PREVIOUS TESTS ARE FANTASTIC. IN FACT, I WILL SURPRISE EVERYONE IN MY DEPARTMENT THIS SEMESTER.

REGARDS,

AHMED

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: An update on the damn situation

Sent: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 16:44:59

Wada Nas,

Good to hear from you, little man. So, your mother's keeping you in the dark about this damn transaction, is she? I'm sure she has her reasons, but I don't see any harm in keeping you up to date with what's going on. You'll find you're a lot closer to your mother when you're both set up in my damn caravan, my boy. She'll find it hard to keep secrets from you then, I can tell you.

Ding and his crepuscular cronies seem to have spent the entire week flapping around like a bunch of wet hens. I've transferred the money to Ding so that he can sort out the damn paperwork - three times now, I'll have you know - yet each time the hapless halfwits that Ding seems to employ have completely failed to pick up the money. Wasted a good deal of my damn time, I can tell you. Made my damn blood boil.

Anyway, things aren't all bad, little fella. Ding got back to me this afternoon and advised me to make plans to travel to Spain to meet up with the damn security company. Apparently I can hand over the money he needs to somebody over there. Should be a lot simpler. He's not told me where I'm going yet, but I'm sure he'll get back to me soon with the details I need.

Presuming I can travel to Spain next week, we should have everything done and dusted before too long, so don't you worry.

Do me a favour, will you, Wada Nas? Pass on this information to your mother, along with my warmest regards. Probably best to make sure she knows what's going on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Glad to see you're doing well at school. Well done. Keep it up. Not so glad to see you've reverted to writing in bloody CAPITAL LETTERS. Haven't I told you about this before? Stop it at once, do you hear?

From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Dieng & Co

Sent: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:47:20 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

I am glad to hear from you today. In fact, I was about to write to you before I saw your email.

I am astonished on what is happening with your transfers with the Western Union. Dieng has been complaining to me that they could not withdraw the money you sent them so I suggested to them to look for an alternative to move forward instead of swearing day and night. I believe they will do something before the end of today.

I am really getting tired of this whole delay. Ahmed wrote me from school but I do not know what to tell him, so I declined in responding to his email. Please, press Dieng and Co so that a progressive step will be taken as soon as possible.

Lots of love,

Mimi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: Don't worry, everything's under control

Sent: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 17:16:28

Dear lady,

How delightful to hear from you, my dear. Believe me, I am as sick and tired as you are with these damn delays that Ding and the pitiful poltroons he employs have been subjecting us to. I cannot for the life of me understand what is so damn difficult about collecting money from a Western Union agent. A child could do it, for God's sake.

However, I am pleased to be able to tell you that Ding has suggested that I travel to Spain next week and pay the money to his people over there, in cash. That suits me: it means that Ding's execrable employees will have no chance to foul things up.

I'm just waiting for Ding to get back to me with details of where I need to fly to and who I need to see, then I can make arrangements for this Spanish trip. So don't worry, my dear; everything's under control. It won't be long before you'll be shacked up in my caravan and I can show you exactly how deep my damn feelings for you are.

Have yourself a good weekend, my dear, and think of me when you go to bed tonight. I'll certainly be thinking of you, I can tell you that for nothing.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for the update

Sent: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 11:27:56 -0800 (PST)

Dear Sir,

Thank you so very much for the update. I wrote the lawyer, Mr Dieng, and he responded, saying that he will be furnishing you with the details of the security and finance company in Spain on Monday. He also assured me that everything is in perfect shape as he believes that the transaction will be completed next week.

Sir, we are so glad to have you by our side. May the almighty Allah continue to strengthen you.

I am also glad that in no distance time, we will be joining you in the United Kingdom (my dream place to be).

Do have a wonderful weekend.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Send me this Spanish info immediately

Sent: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 07:00:28

Ding,

I was hoping you'd send me details of where I'm supposed to go to and who I'm supposed to meet in Spain before the weekend, as I asked you to. If you had have done, I could have booked myself a damn flight this weekend. But you didn't, so I couldn't.

The little Wada Nas boy tells me you're going to send me the info today. Send it to me immediately, Ding, and let's have no more of these damn delays.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. What's become of that pair of useless tossers who managed to foul things up so comprehensively last week, Emma and Obodge? Have you sacked 'em yet? You don't want to keep a pair of calamitous clowns like that on your staff, Ding. Bad for your reputation, do you see? Take my advice and give 'em the push right away.

PPS. You still haven't explained who the hell this "Barrister Johnson Bright" fella is.

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Spanish info

Sent: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 04:55:36 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am sending you the details that will enable you to proceed to Spain to consummate the prolonged transaction. Please reach the Spain outfit by mail urgently as you are expected to contact them today. Remember that you have to hand over the money to the representative that will be meeting with you at your hotel room.

Contact person: Dr John Basil

Email: jonbasilmadrid@yahoo.com

Tel: 34-650-288556

The co-ordinator is anticipating your mail. So endeavour to get across to him as soon as this mail gets to you. Please, confirm the outcome of your appointment with Spain when you would have concluded with Dr John Basil.

Thanks for your advice concerning my junior attorneys. I am going to reorganise my office based on your intelligent suggestion.

Sir, accept my sincere apology for the delay that my subordinates and the Western Union money transfer system has caused.

I can assure you that in a matter of days this whole transaction would be consummated. I have explained to madam and young Wada Nas that the transaction is as good as consummated with your decision to proceed immediately to Spain.

You will be briefed by Spain on the requirements for the conclusion of the transaction.

I am certain that you are prepared to proceed within the next few days. Wishing you safe journey when you travel to Spain.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: I'll get onto this Spanish chappie right away

Sent: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 14:36:47

Ding,

Thanks for the Spanish info. Better late than never. I'll get onto this Spanish chappie right away.

Tell me Ding, do you know this "Basil" fella? Sounds more like an English name than a damn Spanish one if you ask me. Well, if the fella's an Englishman, that's all for the good. You know where you stand with an Englishman, wouldn't you agree, Ding? God's own country. Salt of the earth and all that. Feet planted firmly on the ground. You know for certain that when you're dealing with an Englishman he won't turn around and start fiddling with his bloody castanets or poking some poor donkey with a damn stick, do you see?

Anyway, I'll get onto this Basil chappie right now and get back to you once we've made arrangements.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Glad to hear you're planning to reorganise your office. Sounds like you've got a right shower working for you if you ask me. National service, that's what they need. That'd knock 'em into shape, Ding. Think on.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Regarding a deposit you're holding

Sent: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 14:42:09

Basil,

Ciao (as I believe you say in Spain).

My name's Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.), and I've been passed your details by some Nigerian lawyer chappie I've been working with called Ding.

I'm contacting you regarding some consignment which I believe was deposited with you by some fella called Alhaji Wada Nas. He's dead now, but I've been dealing with his son and his widow (a damn fine woman, believe me), and we're trying to arrange for me to collect the damn consignment. I've been told you're the man to sort this out.

This Ding chappie tells me I'll have to travel over to Spain to meet up with you and get everything sorted out. Ding tells me I need to arrange this with you.

Unfortunately, Ding seems to be a bit disorganised. He's a nice enough fella himself, but his law office seems to be staffed entirely by idiots, if you ask me. Anyway, Ding hasn't even told me yet whereabouts in Spain you're based.

So Basil, seeing as we've got to arrange a meeting, when would be good for you? Get back to me by return and we'll see what we can sort out. I look forward to hearing from you.

Arrivederci (as I believe you also say in Spain).

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Your name sounds more English than Spanish to me. Tell me, Basil, do I have the pleasure of addressing a fellow Englishman?

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Hi

Sent: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 09:15:02 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

How are you doing today? I write to say hi and also to know how you are doing today.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I'm still waiting for this damn Spanish chappie to get in touch with me

Sent: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 17:41:33

Wada Nas,

Thanks for the email, little fella. Ding's sent on the details of this chappie I'm supposed to be visiting in Spain and I've sent the fella an email, but I've not heard a thing back from him yet. Probably on a bloody siesta. Just like the damn Spaniards, to be asleep on the job when there's work to be done. I'm not impressed, I can tell you that for nothing.

Tell me, little man, how's your mother? Keeping well, I hope?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. I see you've got those damn capital letters under control again. Well done, my boy. Keep it up.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: No word from this Basil fella yet

Sent: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 11:08:26

Ding,

No word from this Basil fella yet. I'm not very impressed with the speed of his reactions, but I'm not at all surprised, to tell you the truth. Probably off tilting at windmills or something when he's supposed to be working.

It's the heat, Ding, do you see? Living in such a damn hot climate. Gets to 'em in the end. Well, I expect you know all about that. Must be even worse for you, living where you do. Nothing like the cool English climate to give a man a cool head. And that's just what a man needs in business, wouldn't you say, Ding? Live in a damn hot climate and you end up with a hot head, and we all know where that can lead, eh?

Lizards, Ding, that's what they're like, these damn southern European types. Bloody lizards. Come out to bask in the sun, then crawl back under a rock as soon as the going gets tough. Inaction all round, whichever way you look at it.

Well this won't do at all, Ding. Be a good man and see if you can get this Basil fella to crawl out from under his rock for long enough to respond to my damn email so that we can make some progress. Let me know how you get on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thank you

Sent: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 01:53:16 -0800 (PST)

Sir,

Thanks for your kind response. I do hope the security and finance people in Spain have responded to your email, because they cannot afford to delay this transaction. Please,advise them that it is high time they wake up to their responsibility and face this transaction to a successful conclusion.

Our school will soon be going for a break and I will be very happy to join you over there in the United Kingdom. The bad governance of this country is really affecting our means of livelihood. There is so much difficulty in the land, so hasten them so that this fund will be in your safe custody soonest. Have they advised you on when you will be travelling to Spain for the transaction? I hope it will be within this week.

I will await your kind response. My mother is well and healthy. I spoke with her two days back on the phone. I told her I heard from you and you sent your regards. She was happy to hear so.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: How are you dear?

Sent: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 02:14:14 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

How are you and your health? I am really sorry for not having written you since. The fact is that I do not know what to be discussing with you as everything seems not to be moving as supposed. I know we have a lot to discuss in regard to both of us but that will be as soon as this transaction is completed. As you know, this transaction will determine the future of my son and I will do everything possible to secure his future first before anything else. You are much important to me as well.

Dieng told me few days back that he has forwarded to you details of the firm where the fund is, but as of this moment, I do not know what is happening. He kept telling me over the phone that all is under control. I believe him and now keep to my faith that everything is in perfect control, believing that you are there for us and even ready to bear our cross.

I must thank you for your being there for us and do appeal to you to continue being there for us. Ahmed called me few days back from school. He is OK as he said. I so much love my son and believe that the almighty Allah will continue to protect him for me.

Thank you,

Lots of love,

Mimi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Ahmed Wada Nas; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Still no word from this bloody Spanish fella

Sent: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 10:42:46

Hello,

Thanks for your emails. Got 'em in quick succession and thought I'd reply to 'em both at the same time to save the old fingers on the damn keyboard, do you see?

Still no word from this bloody Spanish fella. I don't know what the chappie's playing at. It's days since I contacted him now and I haven't heard a thing back from him.

That's just plain rude, if you ask me. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's rudeness. Shouldn't be allowed. Intolerable. Always try to be the quintessence of politeness myself, and don't see why everyone else can't do the same. Probably too busy knocking back cheap sherry in some flea-ridden den to respond to my emails. Damn Spanish sot.

I have to tell you, if I don't hear something from this Basil fella by the end of the day, I've a good mind to give up on this whole bloody business. Taking up too much of my damn time, do you see? I'm neglecting my damn England for the English campaign work, and that just won't do.

Of course, even if I have to give up on this business, you two Wada Nas' are still more than welcome to come and stay in my damn caravan. Be a shame not to, really, seeing as I've spent so much damn time making the place habitable again.

I just hope this idle Iberian idiot has the courtesy to get in touch with me by the end of the day. Otherwise I'm going to have to reconsider my damn position.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Respond immediately

Sent: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 17:09:41

Basil,

Ciao.

I contacted you on Monday regarding some consignment you're holding. You have not responded to my email.

If you do not respond to this email by return, you can forget this whole damn business. My time is valuable and I am not prepared to have it wasted.

Respond immediately, God damn it.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 13:42:01 -0800 (PST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

Thanks for your mail. I regret the delay in response which was due to workload. Actually, we are in receipt of the consignment but will appreciate you forward to us your valid documents of claim clarifying you as the bonafide beneficiary. This is to avoid wrongful hand over as we shall not be liable for any diversion of the consignment thereafter. As soon as we receive this, we shall give you details of clearance.

Following this, you are expected as a matter of urgency to revert back to me for necessary action.

Thanks,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: What's all this about "documents of claim"?

Sent: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 09:41:27

Basil,

Ciao.

Thank you for the email. Nice to see some action out of you at last. Now then, what's all this about "documents of claim"? Ding, the Nigerian lawyer I've been dealing with, hasn't sent me any damn documents at all. Should he have done?

Probably the fault of one of Ding's junior lawyers. I did tell you that Ding's office seems to be staffed entirely by incompetent ignoramuses. They've been about as useful as a chocolate chinook in this affair up to now.

Ding told me he'd already sorted everything out with you. He obviously hasn't done. I suggest you get onto Ding yourself and see if you can get the documents you need from him. Get back to me as soon as you can and let me know how you get on.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: This Basil chappie's after some "documents of claim" from me

Sent: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 09:43:52

Ding,

Heard back from this Basil chappie in Spain. Turns out he's after some damn "documents of claim" from me.

Don't really know what the blazes he's on about, to tell you the truth. I've certainly got no such documents. I thought you'd sorted all this out with the fella already.

I've told Basil to get straight onto you and get whatever he needs from you. Be a good man and sort it out as quickly as you can, won't you?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Do you know what the bloody hell is going on with this damn transaction?

Sent: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 10:02:09

Dear lady,

Do you know what the bloody hell is going on with this damn transaction? Because I haven't got a bloody clue any more.

Ding put me in touch with this Basil chappie in Spain, who seems about as willing to answer my emails as I would be to insert my John Thomas into a bag of hungry rats.

Basil's told me that he needs to see some bloody document or other from me, which I don't have. I've told him to contact Ding and get the document from him, and I emailed Ding separately to make sure he was aware of what was going on, but I've heard nothing back from either of 'em for days now.

I can tell you now, dear lady, this just won't do. Things have ground to a bloody halt, and I don't see what I can do to get them moving again. Trying to get an answer out of Ding and Basil is about as easy as trying to get sense out of a damn Welshman.

I just don't know what to do, my dear. This is a serious situation: if we can't find some way of getting this train back on the damn tracks - and quickly - I can't see any way of getting you and your little boy over here to live in my caravan in Gypping in the Marsh.

I have made up my mind, Mrs Wada Nas. If I haven't seen some action out of Ding and Basil by the end of the day, I am calling a halt to this whole damn affair. I don't see that I can do anything else. It's up to you now, my dear. See what you can do to persuade these lazy laggards to get up off their damn backsides and start doing some bloody work for a change.

I am counting on you, my dear. Don't let me down.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Have they responded to your email?

Sent: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 05:13:59 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

I write to know if the Spanish firm has responded to your emails. Have they? Let me know please.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: No, they bloody haven't

Sent: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 13:17:26

Wada Nas,

No, they bloody haven't. I'm getting sick of these damn delays. I've emailed your mother to see if there's anything she can do to get this Spanish chappie to get off his fat arse and get to work. Hopefully she'll have more luck than I've had so far.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 06:22:51 -0800 (PST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your response. Kindly liase with your local agent by requesting for the valid documents of claim as we cannot attend to you without proof of ownership from your end.

Thanks,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: I'll get right onto my useless Nigerian lawyer

Sent: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 14:42:06

Basil,

Ciao.

So, you still need these damn "documents of claim", do you? I'll get right onto Ding, the useless Nigerian lawyer I've been dealing with, and see what he can come up with.

I'll get back to you as soon as Ding has provided me with suitable documentation.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Kindly show me the courtesy of addressing me correctly in future, in other words as "Wing Commander Murray". Only the wife and my friends call me "Gilbert", and I haven't got many of them, I can tell you.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Where the hell are these damn "documents of claim"?

Sent: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 14:53:27

Ding,

Just had an email from that Basil fella. He's still after some damn "documents of claim" which he tells me you should have provided me with. Says he can't do anything until I get these documents, whatever they are, to him.

Yet again, Ding, you are delaying this damn transaction. Kindly pull your damn finger out and send me the documents I need immediately.

Get back to me at once, do you hear me? At once, I say.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Dieng and Co

Sent: Sun, 20 Mar 2005 08:55:54 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

I am as tired as you are but can never give up. If Dieng and the security firm has decided to frustrate us, I can never let it happen. The future of my son Ahmed is on the line here and I can never allow it to be messed by any individual or group. Dieng told me last Friday that everything is in control.

He told me about the documents anyway, and also said that everything will be taken care of so that you may leave for Spain before this coming Wednesday. Honey, I am assuring you that Dieng will get back to you tomorrow with full details and updates. I will be in his office first thing tomorrow morning. Please bear with us. Do not leave us now.

Dieng and Co are respecting you so much. They have your fear as their fellow man and someone that knows too well. We are counting on you Gilbert.

Lots of love,

Mimi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: Ding had better get this document to me pretty damn quick

Sent: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 09:12:23

Dear lady,

Thank you for the email, my dear. I hope you can raise Ding into action, and quickly too. Getting sick and tired of the man's inaction, to tell the truth. If it wasn't for the depths of my damn feelings towards you, I would have given up on this whole damn business last week.

Take my advice, my dear, and find yourself another damn lawyer once this whole affair's over and done with. One with a bit more about him than Ding, do you hear? I'll introduce you to Welsby if you like. He's the finest bloody lawyer I've ever come across in my life, and I'm sure he'd be more than happy to handle your particulars if I put in a good word for you.

Well, Ding had better get this damn document to me pretty damn quick. I won't put up with any more bloody delays, do you hear? It's maddening. Absolutely bloody maddening.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: That bloody fool Ding has failed us both

Sent: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 09:38:07

Dear lady,

You told me on Sunday that Ding would get back to me yesterday "with full details and updates". Well, I haven't heard a damn word from him.

You also told me on Sunday that Ding respected me. Well, I beg to differ. If the man had the least bit of respect for me, he'd have contacted me with the document I need to make arrangements with this Spanish fella.

I am sorry, dear lady, but my patience has been tried beyond the limit. That bloody fool Ding has failed us both.

Are you sure Ding is really a lawyer? I'm beginning to doubt it myself. I've certainly never come across anyone so damn incompetent as Ding. In fact I've seen things crawling along on the bottom of ponds that would make more convincing lawyers than he does. The man is a waste of space.

I am sorry, dear lady, but I really can't go on with this damn business any longer. I've spent far too much time on it and I'm neglecting my duties and responsibilities towards the damn England for the English campaign. That just won't do, do you see? I had hoped to be able to help you out and to install you in my little two-wheeled lovenest at the other end of the village, but thanks to that idiot Ding, it looks as if that won't happen.

Take my advice, my dear. Ditch that calamitous cretin Ding and find yourself a decent lawyer. One who's got more than a couple of brain cells to rub together.

Damn sorry to let you down, my dear, but it's Ding who's to blame.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Achmed Wada Nas; Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: I have given up on the whole damn lot of you

Sent: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 09:20:18

Hello,

After the ludicrously incompetent performance you three have put in over the past few weeks, I see no alternative but to have done with the whole damn lot of you.

I've been thinking about this, and having chatted it over with Welsby, I'm beginning to doubt this entire bloody story. After all, it just doesn't ring true: a merry widow who wears hats made out of wallpaper, a son who doesn't know what the CAPS LOCK key is for on his damn keyboard, and a law firm staffed entirely by complete bloody idiots.

Welsby has even suggested to me that this whole damn story might have been some elaborate hoax, with the aim of relieving me of my hard-earned cash. Can this possibly be true? If so, it's a bloody good job you all turned out to be too damn incompetent to get your hands on my money.

I don't know. It's enough to make you lose your faith in human nature. You should damn well be ashamed of yourselves.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. At least it looks as if all the damn work I put into that caravan won't go to waste: I've been getting a few suggestive looks from the barmaid at the Cock and Bull recently. Maybe I'll get to try out those damn bed springs after all.

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You can't possibly do this

Sent: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 03:07:47 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

I am surprised you sound this way. It is quite unfortunate that you are trying to desert us at this point that we need you most. Whoever that advised you to quit is an enemy and not a friend. I told you I live in the university hostel in Ogun State University. Ogun State is hundreds of kilometers from Kaduna where my mother lives. I only travel to Kaduna whenever we are on a break but the only means of communication between us is through the internet.

I am very far from my mother because of my studies and you know that. You are aware that I always make efforts in making sure that Dieng wakes up to his responsibility, but it was you that asked me to keep off and face my studies. You promised to handle things yourself. You also told me that I am a kid and should face my studies. Why then are you blaming me? It is you that always furnishes me with the updates, so what magic do you expect from me when you asked me to keep off? I am highly disappointed that all these words are coming from you whom I always see as a father.

I called my mother on her mobile phone immediately I saw this mail and she told me she was in Dieng's office waiting for him to come. From what she told me, Dieng got an offer of a huge magnitude of money from the people of the Niger Delta states. He was hired by the oil producing states to file a case against the Federal Government of Nigeria and that is why he left our transaction and faced the highly paid one. I threatened my mother before she could open up to me. I accused her of trying to ruin my life with Dieng. I know you can never do this to me now.

Awaiting your response.

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Well how the hell do you suggest we move forward?

Sent: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 12:10:55

Wada Nas,

Just got your email, little fella. If you and your mother really want my help, then I'm still prepared to help you. After all, she's a damn fine filly, even if she does wear wall coverings on her damn head from time to time.

But if Ding's pulled out of this whole shebang, how the hell do you suggest we move forward? Your father's consignment is still stuck there in Spain and I can't get my hands on it without some damn legal documents, and I can't get those without Ding.

Perhaps you and your mother could find us another lawyer who could get hold of these documents for us. What do you think, little man? If you can get hold of another lawyer to work for us, I'm willing to continue. Might be a good thing to have Ding out of the way when all's said and done. The man was an idiot.

But if we're going to move forward, I will need to see some action from you and your mother, and I will need to see it quick. Find another lawyer, get him on the case, and get back to me either today or tomorrow. Otherwise I see no alternative than to pull out of this whole damn business. It's taken up enough of my time already, do you hear?

Get back to me when you've found another lawyer.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: That bloody fool Ding has failed us both

Sent: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 05:36:28 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

I am really sorry for my inability to get back to you with the necessary information and documents that will grant you attendance in Spain. I am pleading with you to accept this delay as a natural uncontrollable situation that came up unexpectedly. Do not for any reason(s) consider this delay and disappointment as figments of inefficiency.

Mrs Wada Nas came to my law office and accused me of wanting to frustrate the transaction. This is not true. You are likely to understand my position better; because you are a man and a breadwinner of a family. I was engaged by a state in Nigeria in the Niger delta that has been agitating for a fair share of the national cake, to institute legal action against the federal government. The state produces the oil that is the mainstay of Nigerian economy.

The state paid up the legal bills, unlike Mrs Wada Nas, who has not paid any money. You must agree with me that no organisation that wants to survive or thrive can afford to be a do-gooder. Only the RED CROSS SOCIETY can afford to operate on a charity level absolutely.

Mr Gilbert, you seem to be confusing issues and making it difficult for us to perfect this transaction in good time. Yes, I say this because I had explained to you in a previous mail that you are going to pay for the documents on arrival to Spain, and that you will be handed over the documents by our appointed representative. This arrangement was reached when I appealed to the high judge to accept that the documents be given to you in Spain on presentation of the amount that completes the processing fees.

Mr Gilbert, please be pacifying Mrs Wada Nas. Don't alarm her, no matter the case. I am highly displeased at your choice of words for my person. I hold you in high esteem, and want you to know that there is nothing on earth that will make me indict you. You should understand that I have done all that is possible within the limitations that I am disposed to in making this transaction a reality. You are blameless and I am blameless too. No attorney I know here in my country will handle this brief without demanding part payment of the professional fee.

Endeavour to get in touch with the Spanish outfit immediately and sort this deadlock out. You declining to continue will only make us all failures, but it will be more pronounced in your case because military tradition has equipped you with the ability to endure things no matter what the situation.

On a final note, all that I am saying is if you are the gallant air force commander that you had made me believe you are, then go to Spain and consummate this transaction.

Wishing you all the best,

Barrister Dieng Abdulkarime

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas; Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: I need the bloody documents from you before I can travel to Spain

Sent: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 14:16:39

Ding,

Thank you for your email. Good to hear from you after all this time. Wondered why you hadn't got back to me for such a long time. Thought you'd come a cropper like that buffoon Ibeh and his dead driver or something.

Now then. You don't seem to understand the damn situation. Let me put it to you as simply as possible, to make sure you get the picture.

I have been in touch with this Basil fella in Spain. He's told me that he can't do a damn thing unless I send him "valid documents of claim clarifying you as the bonafide beneficiary". He's told me that you need to send me those damn documents before I travel to Spain.

Do you get it, Ding? I can't travel to Spain until you send me these damn documents. Basil won't do a thing until he has them in his hands.

I've nearly come to the end of my tether with this man. Now you say you've got contacts over in Spain. Well what I want you to do is to get in touch with them and sort things out with this Basil fella so that I can travel to Spain and complete the bloody transaction.

This is not something I can do, do you hear? I've tried my best, but I've come up against an Iberian brick wall. It's up to YOU to sort this out, not me.

Be a good man. Sort it out pronto and get back to me when you have done so that we can move forward. And let's have no more delays, do you hear? Can't have you swanning off to work on another bloody case just because some corrupt oil drillers wave a bunch of notes in your damn face. Where's your professional ethics, man?

I expect to hear back from you as soon as possible, with the news that everything's sorted out.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I just called Dieng on the phone

Sent: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 09:34:25 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

I am so glad that things are beginning to shape up. I will prove to you that even if I am a small boy, Dieng cannot resist my pressure. I will continue mounting pressure on him until this transaction is completed. I called him on the phone and he confirmed to me that he received your latest email. I believe he will attend to it ASAP.

Please, do bear with my mum as she is trying her very best. She is so upset about this whole thing but has no option. You know she is a woman. I spoke with her again on the phone and apologised for my rudeness to her this morning. I accused her of trying to ruin my future with Dieng which was false. I was angry when I saw your first email today and thought they were not doing anything in moving this transaction forward.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Things had better be bloody shaping up

Sent: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 10:03:27

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Got your email. So, you think things are shaping up, do you? They'd better be bloody shaping up, I can tell you. Do you know if Ding is shifting his lazy backside and sorting out those documents for me at last? I can't do a thing without 'em, you know. Do what you can to hurry the chap along, won't you?

You say your mother's upset, eh? Well, I'm not surprised. She must be looking forward to moving over here and shacking up in my little caravan, but that prospect is looking less and less likely with every damn delay that Ding introduces into this transaction.

It's the Easter weekend coming up. Being a Muslim chappie, you're probably not aware of that. It's an old Christian celebration, do you see? Something about some bearded chap getting nailed to a tree, I think. Not quite sure where the chocolate eggs and bunnies come into it, but there you go. Anyway, won't be able to do much over the Easter break. I'll be helping out the vicar of the local church, Saint Bodkin's, with things. Damn busy time of year for him, and he's been snowed under ever since his verger got locked up for being inappropriate with the kiddies. Can't have goings-on like that in Gypping in the Marsh. It's just not on, do you hear?

Anyway, see if you can get Ding to get these documents to me by next Tuesday at the latest. Then I can get onto this Basil chappie in Spain and make arrangements to finalise this damn transaction.

Let me know how you get on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: What the bloody hell is going on?

Sent: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 11:14:23

Wada Nas,

What the bloody hell is going on over there? You told me last Wednesday that Ding was going to attend to things ASAP, but I've heard nothing from him whatsoever.

What kind of damn outfit does Ding run over there? Surely the man can see that unless he can straighten things out with this Spanish Basil fella, we're not going to be able to make any progress here.

Get onto Ding at once and see if you can shake him into action. If I don't see some action out of him immediately, I'm afraid you and your voluptuous mother can wave goodbye to my help. I've damn well had enough of all this carry-on.

This just won't do, little man. Get things moving and get back to me at once, do you hear? At once, I say.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: We need to make some progress here

Sent: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 09:30:51

Basil,

Ciao.

Still having problems getting hold of these "documents of claim" you need to prove that I'm the rightful beneficiary of this damn consignment you're holding. I've been talking to Ding, my useless Nigerian lawyer, and he's told me that for some reason he can't get the documents to me at the moment. Instead, he's made arrangements for me to pick up the documents on my arrival in Spain from an associate of his. Does he mean you? I'm damn confused, and I have to say, I'm getting more and more confused all the time over this damn affair.

I have to say, this whole affair seems damn disorganised if you ask me. All I want to do is to claim this consignment - which is rightfully mine - and I had assumed that you and Ding had sorted out all the arrangements between yourselves, but this seems not to be the case.

Communication, Basil. Dashed important thing. Learned that the hard way in the RAF when some less than clear orders from above resulted in me accidentally strafing my own damn air force base. Damn inconvenient affair.

So, where do we go from here? This damn thing has been going on for far too long in my opinion. I need to see some action out of you, Basil. Get back to me and let me know what we do next.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The court will release the document today

Sent: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:30:42 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

Dieng is working seriously on the needful documents. He is supposed to get a document from the court today and I believe he will send it to you immediately the court releases them to him today. Work only starts today as holidays ended yesterday.

I am assuring you that I will be in his office in less than an hour and he must round up everything and send you the needful today. Be rest assured.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas; Cc: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: I wish Ding would make his bloody mind up

Sent: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 11:13:38

Wada Nas,

Thanks for the update on this damn "document of claim" that we need to complete this transaction. It's good to hear that Ding has finally agreed to get hold of the damn document, but I wish he'd have let me know what was going on a bit earlier. I emailed this Basil chappie only an hour ago or so and told him there was no chance Ding was going to be able to get hold of the damn document. Now I'm going to have to email him again and tell him the exact opposite. This is going to make me look like a bloody fool. It won't do, do you hear? It won't do at all.

Anyway, best look on the bright side. Tell Ding to send me the document as soon as he's got his hands on it. This damn palaver has been going on for far too long and we need to get it all sorted now, do you see?

I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded on all sides by knaves and fools. Tell Ding to sharpen up his act, Wada Nas. He's gone down a long way in my estimation, and he's got a lot of ground to make up, do you hear me?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Send my best to your mother. Maybe if Ding gets his damn act together, it won't be too long before she and I are getting to know each other better in my caravan after all. But enough of that for now. She's your mother. There are some things it's best a son doesn't know.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: Please disregard my last email

Sent: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 11:15:23

Basil,

Ciao.

Please disregard my last email. I've just heard that my damn fool Nigerian lawyer will be able to get his hands on these "documents of claim" after all.

Sorry for the confusion, but believe you me, I feel as much in the dark about all this as you must do. Ding tells me one thing one day and something completely different the next. God knows what the hell the man's playing at.

Anyway, I'll get these documents to you as soon as Ding sends them to me, then we can make arrangements for me to travel over to Spain to collect my damn consignment.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Where's this bloody document?

Sent: Wed, 30 Mar 2005 08:57:28

Ding,

Where's this bloody document, eh? Little Wada Nas told me you were getting it from the court for me yesterday. If that's the case, why haven't I received it yet?

This isn't some game, you know, Ding. This is international business, man. I am sick and tired of all this messing around. Get with the programme and get me this damn document immediately so that I can make arrangements to travel to Spain and tie things up once and for all, do you hear?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Regards

Sent: Wed, 30 Mar 2005 04:46:23 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

Thank you for the update. I am aware Dieng has not sent the court document to you yet. As of yesterday that I was in his office, he told me he will be sending it to you today unfailingly. I guess he must have sent it to you by now as he promised me yesterday.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I still haven't got that bloody document from Ding

Sent: Wed, 30 Mar 2005 17:01:25

Wada Nas,

I still haven't got that bloody document from Ding. I have lost count of the number of times Ding has promised to do something "unfailingly", and has then proceeded to do absolutely bugger all. The man's promises are about as useful as a chocolate carotid artery.

Will you kindly see exactly what the bloody hell Ding is up to, little man? I have had it up to here with his broken bloody promises and his damn inaction. If Ding was here right now I'd take him outside and beat some bloody sense into him. It's the only way with some people, you mark my words. He hasn't got any Cornish blood in him, has he?

Tell Ding that if he doesn't get that document to me by tomorrow lunchtime, he can go to hell as far as I'm concerned, and so can this damn transaction. A man can only take so much, Wada Nas, do you hear me?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: DOCUMENT ATTACHED

Sent: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 16:05:24 +0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Sir,

Sorry about the problems created by the delay in getting this vital and necessary document approved by the High Court that paves the way for you to be attended to in Spain.

I have had enough trouble trying to attach and forward the document to you. For the better part of yesterday and early hours of this morning I had made frantic efforts to send the attached document to you with so much difficulties.

This situation of things therefore meant that the only option left would have been sending it by fax, not until my secretary suggested that I send it through the Fastermail website.

Sir, your requirement to be attended to in Spain has been met. You should be proceeding to Madrid, when you contact Spain and show this document which is enough proof that you are the fund beneficiary as it were.

I shall be waiting for your confirmation of receipt of the "POWER OF ATTORNEY".

Have a nice trip and enjoy yourself in Spain.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: There's no bloody document attached to your mail

Sent: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 09:43:16

Ding,

What fresh nonsense is this? You send me an email and tell me that you've attached a power of attorney to it, but when I open the damn mail there's no bloody document attached!

For God's sake, man, how difficult can it possibly be to attach a document to a bloody email? A kiddie could do it, so why the hell can't you?

Send it to me again, immediately. And make sure you do it properly this time. Get someone to help you if you find it difficult. Any urchin you drag in from the street will know how to attach a document to a bloody email.

I despair sometimes, I really do.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Your Attention: POWER OF ATTORNEY

Sent: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 04:12:58 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

The document is now attached.

The power of attorney
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: That's more like it

Sent: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 10:38:28

Ding,

That's more like it, man! I presume you did as I suggested and dragged some kiddie in from the street to help you attach the document to the email. Well done.

I'll send this onto that Basil chappie immediately.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: There's a problem with this damn document

Sent: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 11:15:41

Ding,

I've just printed off that power of attorney thing you sent over to me. I was about to send it on to that Basil fella, but I've spotted a problem with the document. The date at the top of the document appears as "29st July 2004".

What the hell's all that about, eh? I didn't even know you in July 2004, so how come this document has got the wrong bloody date on it?

And what's more, how come you didn't spot the mistake, Ding? You're supposed to be a lawyer, for God's sake. Surely you should notice these things.

Now what I know about the law could be written on the back of a damn postage stamp, but from my dealings with the eminent Welsby in the past, I know for a fact that a legal document that's got the wrong date on it is as much use as a chocolate clavichord. It just wouldn't stand up in court, do you see?

This document is completely bloody useless. I can't send it on to Basil in Spain; he'd just laugh at me and tear it to shreds. I may as well use it to wipe my damn backside for all the good it is to me. In fact I'd be damn tempted to do just that if the paper I've printed it on wasn't quite so damn shiny.

This is damn disappointing, Ding. I expected better from you.

Now then. It's up to you to redeem yourself, Ding. There's no time to lose. Get back to court at once and get me a properly-dated document right away. And no mistakes this time, do you hear?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Click here to view the concluding part of this scambust.

The Retired Wing Commander III(part 2 of 3)

The Retired Wing Commander III
(part 2 of 3)